How to accept yourself: 7 ways to learn to accept yourself

To find the right strategy, look at the current one. This is how we usually “accept ourselves”:

1. We look at ourselves without digging too deep.
2. We ignore all the horror of what we saw or are touched by it, like a mother obsessed with her child.
3. We decide to change something.
4. We forget in a day.

If you are angry now and brush it off, saying it’s not me, breathe out and think again. Honestly.

You don't like yourself too much. Sometimes or always. You are dissatisfied with something about yourself, but it’s hard to change, and psychologists or compassionate friends pour treacle: “You are who you are. You’re okay, just accept yourself.”

Let’s just experiment for a second and decide that not everything is okay with you. That the number on the scale makes you sad not because you cannot accept yourself, but because you are fatter than you want to be. That if you earn half as much as your friends, the solution is not to not compare yourself to them, but to earn more.

Accepting yourself in the sense in which inspirational quotes on social networks describe it means the unthinkable - you have to come to terms with it. Decide once and for all that you are fat and will remain so. You can surround yourself with a comfortable reference group (“you even look fat,” “not like that skinny Jolie”) so as not to go crazy from the constant “condemnation of society.” Change your friends to others who are poorer. Then you can compare until you’re blue in the face, because you’re cooler than them.

Accept yourself? No problem. Just lower your expectations. In a choreographed world, where nothing reminds you of your shortcomings and past ambitions, it will be dry and comfortable. Potentially for a lifetime.

Why can't a person accept himself?

It's all about the complexes that someone else instilled, and the habit of comparing oneself with other people, which was also instilled by the environment. Usually the problem goes back to childhood. Until the age of 7, a child has not developed critical thinking, so he perceives everything that his parents say as the ultimate truth. If parents tell a child that he is doing everything wrong, that he is bad and unworthy, that he has a disgusting appearance, etc., then the child grows up with these very beliefs. Gradually he adopts the attitude of his parents and becomes a tyrant for himself.

And it happens that the family treats the child well, but peers bully him for some characteristic, for example, for being overweight. Victims of bullying spend years recovering from the trauma. Even in adulthood, not all people can get rid of this shadow of the past.

Note! Non-acceptance of oneself is associated with ignorance of oneself. A person does not know what he is capable of and what he wants. He demands from himself the impossible and alien. He is attracted to the happy and successful lives of other people, but he does not understand that all people are different and everyone has their own path to happiness.

Your touchiness goes there

We're talking about resentment here.

Is it not because you are offended by people because deep down in your soul you hate yourself?

And when people say something offensive to you, or do not take you into account in any way, or betray your trust and do not meet your expectations, you are offended, because you subconsciously perceive this as confirmation of the truth of all those reasons that your hatred justified to oneself.

That is, you see confirmation

that you
right
to hate yourself.

What does this mean?

Non-acceptance of oneself is expressed in a person’s isolation and aggressiveness, irritability, and touchiness. Those who do not accept themselves often get sick. His personal life is not going well, and problems arise at work. He's unhappy.

Some people try to isolate themselves from society because they are afraid of criticism, attention, insults, and also believe that they are not worthy of love and happiness. Other people try to assert themselves at the expense of others, and also, as a defense, create the image of a selfish, narcissistic, arrogant person.

A subject who does not accept himself cannot accept other people. And he is also incapable of falling in love. He does not know how to accept and give compliments, or care about someone. Only by accepting oneself can a person become open and friendly towards others.

Non-acceptance of oneself is caused by an internal conflict - the contradiction between the real self (what a person is at the moment) and the ideal self (what a person would like to be). The problem is that in traumatized people these images are distorted. They cannot create an objective image of the Real Self and create an image of the Ideal Self that is unattainable specifically for them.

For example:

1. An introvert blames himself for being tired of contacts with people, unable to maintain small talk or work in a team, and dreams of becoming the life of the party, a speaker, a training leader, etc.
2. A person with a disciplinary type of thinking (the ability to study one activity in depth) scolds himself for the lack of creative thought and dreams of becoming a famous artist.
3. A woman for whom her career is a priority and who manages to build a business scolds herself for not wanting to have children. She believes that this makes her flawed, wrong.
4. A girl who does not have enough height or other characteristics for a modeling career revels in self-pity instead of finding an area where her height and other characteristics will be in demand.

Every person has something that he cannot change: temperament, inclinations, type of nervous system, height, shape of the nose and ears, eye shape, etc. Yes, external and internal features impose restrictions on certain types of activities. It happens that our interests and desires do not coincide with our capabilities. But each person has hundreds of options on how to combine opportunities and abilities. You just need to find the strength to stop focusing on one thing and look at the world and yourself more broadly.

Note! A person who does not accept himself always has problems in communication. Some people find it difficult to speak and carry on a conversation. Others constantly find themselves in conflict.

Don't panic

Let's be mature. True self-acceptance looks like this:

1. You look carefully at yourself and inside yourself, and then around. You realize what you are like, including in comparison with your current environment.
2. Realistically assess the horror of what you saw. You agree that now you are exactly like this and no other.
3. You try to be kind to who you are, like a good but intelligent mother would do.
4. You decide what is already good (and there will definitely be good), what you cannot change (never or now), and what you want to change and can.
5. Start making changes.
6. …
7. PROFIT.

Now let’s figure out how to go through these complex steps (if they were simple, everyone would have done them long ago) efficiently and without losses.

What are the differences between self-acceptance and rejection?

Let's present the comparative analysis in the form of a table:

Where to begin

How to learn to accept yourself? Acceptance means stopping comparing and evaluating yourself. This means that a person simply accepts all his characteristics as facts. He accepts and knows all his strengths and weaknesses of character, desires and interests, true inner impulses, external characteristics, abilities, mentality and personality, temperament, etc. He allows himself to be himself, does not try to become like someone else or adapt to someone else's standards.

Self-acceptance also presupposes a person’s forgiveness of past mistakes, renunciation of self-flagellation, guilt or shame. And even mistakes in the present are accepted as a normal element of human life. A person allows himself to be wrong or in a bad mood, to doubt, make mistakes, be afraid, etc. He accepts any of his emotions, feelings and reactions.

Important! When you start working on self-acceptance, be prepared for the fact that it will be a long and difficult journey. Both characteristics depend on how much your self-esteem has dropped, how much you have been consumed by complexes. But, one way or another, you shouldn’t expect changes in a day or a week. The first results can be seen in about a month, and a sustainable improvement in life can be seen in at least a year.

Will a psychologist help me?

I said from the very beginning that advice and counseling from psychologists most likely will not help you.

Why?

Because a psychologist will not work with you to work through all the contents of your mind. Most likely, he will consider this problem, this one, and that one with you in consultations. And so on.

A psychologist is a person who helps you solve problems, right?

But here we are faced not just with a problem, but with the basis of all foundations. Here we are faced with what we rely

your problems.

How exactly will a psychologist help you eliminate self-hatred if most, if not all, of your problems are based on it?

Also, think about the amount of work you have ahead of you.

How much consultation will you have to pay? How many hours do you need to spend on this?

Can you imagine, in general, how many of your problems, from your childhood to the current moment, are caused by your self-hatred? How many negative, traumatic episodes and negative emotions associated with them?

How many of your decisions...

How many of your limiting beliefs...

How many complexes do you have...

How many good intentions do you have ...

What percentage of your internal dialogue...

... caused by self-hatred?

Do you think that because you and a psychologist will sort out and work through a problem like “my dad neglected me as a child, and therefore I developed such a trauma, and against the backdrop of this, I developed such an attitude towards myself, and that’s why I don’t earn much now,” then will you stop hating yourself?

No.

To stop hating yourself, you need to shovel everything

your subconscious, from the beginning of your life up to the present moment, and eliminate from there everything, everything, everything that is at least in some way connected with self-hatred.

And then, with this approach to working through, when working through everything in general

, sooner or later a key insight will come - awareness of all your self-loathing and how you have had it all your life, conscious and not entirely.

You will see how it was programmed into you by your beloved parents. And how it developed further, up to the present moment.

And when you are completely overwhelmed by this insight, healing will begin.

But the work doesn't end there.

If after this insight you continue to work in the spirit I suggested, then you will most likely soon have another insight. And it will be even more powerful and fundamental than even the previous one.

And it will touch you personally.

Ways to accept yourself

Let's look at the basic advice from psychologists on how a person can accept, understand and love himself for who he is. We will also consider popular psychological techniques that help with self-acceptance.

Get rid of excessive demands on yourself

There will always be someone better or worse than you. You cannot always be the first in everything. All people get tired, everyone experiences setbacks. Understand this and stop asking yourself to “be a steadfast tin soldier.” Set goals that are a little more challenging than what you have already achieved. But it's a little more complicated. This is the only way to develop without breakdowns and self-flagellation.

Free yourself from judgment of yourself and others

Learn to praise others and yourself, see virtues and achievements. Right now, make a list of what you can thank yourself for, what you respect yourself for. And then make the same list for your friend. Start communication with a compliment, gratitude or praise. Learn to step into another person's shoes. To begin with, you can do a written analysis of problematic situations - gradually it will become a habit and you will do it mentally.

Get rid of envy

People envy only one thing - happiness. This can take any material or intangible form, but the essence is one thing - everyone wants to be happy. The problem is that there is no universal secret to happiness. People think that if they have something to envy, they will automatically become happy, but this does not happen.

For example, some provincial residents dream of moving to Moscow, and when they succeed, they realize that there was no happiness, and maybe there are even more problems. This happens because it's about them, and not about where they live or anything else. For example, it turns out that a person simply did not have enough work to his liking in his hometown. Due to internal problems, he could not understand what his calling was.

Act

Self-acceptance does not mean that a person should not change anything about himself. On the contrary, a lot will have to be changed and broken. Self-hypnosis and compliments alone won’t get you far; you need to back it up with actions. For example, volunteering will help a person regain a sense of self-worth. And getting rid of bad habits will strengthen your self-confidence. Developing the inclinations invested by nature will help you achieve success in your profession. Expanding your horizons will allow you to become an interesting interlocutor. And all this in general will help increase self-esteem.

Accept the possibility of error

Fear of error is associated with dependence on public opinion, fear of punishment, decision-making and responsibility. You need to understand that you only have one life and only you have the right to manage it. To obey someone or to live to please someone means not to live at all. And finally allow yourself not only to live according to your desires, but also to gain personal experience. And this is impossible without mistakes - we learn from them.

Accept your appearance

First, find a famous person on the Internet who has a similar external feature to you, and study her life story. For example, for many curvy women, Ekaterina Skulkina became an idol and motivator. Her weight and shape are not just a feature. This is her feature and one of the components of her popularity.

However, note that self-acceptance also includes self-care. For example, if doctors say that you need to lose weight, then you need to do it. It is also important to exercise, take care of your skin, and eat a balanced diet at any weight.

In general, learn to take care of yourself and think about what makes each of your external features attractive.

Important! Self-acceptance has nothing to do with laziness and a person’s indifferent attitude towards himself.

Work with moral qualities

The main moral qualities include: honesty, sincerity, truthfulness, integrity, self-criticism, conscientiousness, loyalty to one’s convictions and duty. It's easier to appreciate and respect yourself when you have all this in you. Develop these qualities in yourself.

Please note that you need to demonstrate them not only in relationships with others, but also in relationships with yourself. When was the last time you were honest with yourself? Do you have an unshakable system of principles and beliefs? Do you know what you won't tolerate in a relationship with yourself? It's time to decide on all this.

Pleasure + benefit + flow

A good mood has a fairly simple formula: [desire] + [embodiment] = [pleasure]. Happiness is a little more complicated.

[Useful desire] + [embodiment] = [pleasure] + [benefit].

For example, the embodiment of the desire to eat a burger gives you a buzz now, right away. The embodiment of the desire to eat something tasty and healthy gives a buzz (for those who know how to enjoy the taste of healthy food) and health in the future.

To change bad habits to good ones, you need to gradually learn to enjoy useful things, but not through willpower: it won’t last long, because acting through “I can’t” is stressful, and the brain will avoid it with all its might in the interests of self-preservation. This is one reason why dieting is usually followed by a feast of gluttony. It is much better not to break yourself, but to change circumstances to make it easier to achieve your plans.

Have you noticed how easy it is to go to dance classes if there is a young lady you like? How do you want to skip to the gym if you fall in love and looking good is so important for your loved one?

This is the flow. Pleasant emotions overcome the stress of doing something new and difficult.

Look for opportunities to create flow. Go to the gym with your favorite friend. Set yourself a goal publicly (on social media, for example) and publicly track your progress. Let your friends' comments support you. Finally, sign up for the training. The goal of any good training is to create flow. Just don’t get hooked on these trainings as if they were likes. They charge you with emotions, but if this charge goes only into dreams, you will waste your money and time. The flow must be caught and directed to useful activities, only then will your life change.

My experience of self-acceptance

Not accepting myself made me angry, irritable, and restless. I lashed out at others “just like that,” and was extremely inconsistent and contradictory in my desires, actions, and thoughts. My head and life were in chaos. To restore harmony within myself and in relationships with the outside world, I made a self-acceptance plan:

1. Make a list of character strengths and weaknesses. Learn to demonstrate the former advantageously and start correcting the latter. For example, I didn’t like that when I was tired, in a bad mood or angry at someone, I would lash out at whoever came to hand. I kept a diary of emotions, learned to track this state, and before the “explosion” I spoke out my state and asked the person not to contact me yet. And at the same time, I mastered techniques to develop self-regulation skills and minimize irritating factors in my life.
2. Make a list of complexes, fears, grievances and other psychological problems. Work with each point step by step. A universal method for dealing with anything: return to the point when you first encountered this feeling, emotion, thought. Remember the situation down to the smallest detail. Analyze it with the eyes of an adult. For example, I looked at a photograph of myself as a child and sincerely did not understand why this child was called fat. An ordinary child. Yes, he’s overweight, but he’s not scary and certainly not bad. And even then the weight could be easily adjusted. Why the parents didn’t notice this and did nothing is another question. Just like a tangle, unravel one problem after another, talk to yourself, find solutions and let go of the past.
3. Study yourself. Understand your temperament and type of nervous system, abilities. Think about where all this is in demand, how it will help me and be useful in my life.
4. Create a realistic image of what I can be. This applies to appearance, inner world, worldview, and self-realization in the labor sphere.
5. Make a step-by-step plan for getting closer to this image and follow it.

In self-acceptance, it is important to separate what can be corrected from what you cannot influence in any way. If you can’t figure this out on your own, then turn to scientific psychological literature. Two queries will help you: innate individual characteristics and acquired individual characteristics. For example, character and habits can be corrected, but temperament cannot be changed - you just have to accept that someone is hot-tempered, and someone is phlegmatic (indifferent, in simple terms), someone is vulnerable, and someone perceives everything with humor and etc.

How to accept yourself as you are

Any adequate person is characterized by a bit of doubt about his own mind, appearance, and intelligence. Every individual tends to scold himself periodically. A feeling of dissatisfaction with one’s own person can sometimes appear even in the most confident person. This is fine. However, the ever-present feeling of dissatisfaction with oneself greatly complicates existence and causes harm. It’s as if a person immediately admits his own inadequacy in any undertaking, programming himself in advance for failure. Therefore, you should learn to accept your own person without embellishment and changes, stop complaining about life and notice happiness in the most insignificant everyday trifles.

First of all, it is recommended to stop looking at others, looking for traits in them that are absent in your own person. Such behavior only gives rise to complexes and a depressive mood. If you are not satisfied with something in your appearance, life or character, then this is a reason to become better. First of all, you should clearly formulate your so-called “shortcomings”, as well as the traits you want to acquire. You can also write down what you want on paper. After which you need to comprehend each point, outline a plan to get rid of the disadvantages and achieve what you want.

How to accept yourself? If an individual is dissatisfied with his excess weight or hair thickness, then fixing this is quite simple. The main thing is desire and persistence. Visiting the gym, morning jogging, evening walks, exercises, contrast showers and many other completely inexpensive methods will help you correct your figure. Folk remedies that are cheap can also help with thinning hair.

If the situation is a little worse and the person is not satisfied with the nose, legs, chest, then you should not immediately seek help from plastic surgery. First of all, you need to look around and understand the main thing - the people you meet in everyday life are not at all ideal. For most human subjects, their imperfect lip shape, imperfect bite, and imperfect eye shape do not at all hinder career growth and self-realization in family life. Therefore, in order to be happy you don’t have to be perfect.

Most often, what prevents a person from enjoying life is his inner mood, and not the lack of a generally accepted model appearance. After all, it is quite difficult and almost impossible to love a subject who is not satisfied with himself and does not love his own person. Only parents are able to adore their child, who is dissatisfied with his own characteristics. It is necessary to understand that initially a person cannot be worse or better than his environment. It’s just that an individual who is dissatisfied with his own appearance is simply devoid of perseverance, unable to identify goals, make plans and implement them. Because awareness of one's own shortcomings is not enough to make changes. It’s better to start your own transformation small. For example, stop being late and then you won’t have to come up with excuses, deceiving others.

Any changes do not come suddenly. Therefore, it is recommended to set a goal and break its achievement into thematic stages. Upon achieving each intermediate goal, you need to praise yourself and be proud of your own success.