Self-love is the basis of a happy, harmonious life. When you experience this amazing feeling, your life begins to change for the better, and your body becomes healthy. Self-love is a miraculous force that heals your body and soul. If you love yourself, then everything in your life happens easily. Luck and success smile on you. You look attractive, people around you like you.
Do you want to meet your soulmate or have you already met, but something is wrong in your relationship? Are your friends not appreciating you? Are your loved ones rude to you? Love yourself and everything will change. Other people will begin to appreciate and respect you. Psychologists have come to the conclusion that thought has the property of a magnet. And if you think badly about yourself, then in life you will be treated accordingly.
Remember an important rule: what thoughts and feelings you give to yourself, others give you the same.
Self-love: selfishness or a vital necessity
People born up to the 90s of the last century were brought up in strictness. From childhood, they were taught to put everyone first, but not themselves. This is how several generations of people grew up completely devoid of self-love. The reason is simple: in the ideology of the past, a person was considered only as a unit of society, and not as an individual.
Children were not taught to respect and love themselves, but they were taught to share, to please others to the detriment of themselves, to care about others and not about themselves. These attitudes were instilled from early childhood, learned in kindergarten and remained with the person for life.
The parents were so afraid that the child would grow up to be selfish that they not only did not teach them to love and respect themselves, but did their best to shift the child’s focus away from themselves. Thus, self-dislike often went hand in hand with other problems, such as low self-esteem.
However, self-love is not selfishness, but a vital necessity. If a person does not love himself, he is not able to love others. Spiritual Economics says: “Love your neighbor as yourself” (RBM, Mark 12:31). Accordingly, if you do not love yourself, you will not be able to love others. This has little in common with selfishness, since self-love does not fixate a person only on his own personality, but, on the contrary, helps to build harmonious relationships with others.
Selfishness is a quality that makes you put yourself and your interests above others. Self-love helps you understand what is best for you and how to achieve it. At the same time, selfishness often harms others, since an egoist does not value other people’s needs. At the same time, self-love helps you find a solution that will not harm you or others.
Why is it so important to love yourself
Loving and respecting yourself means understanding and accepting yourself as you are. This is a necessary skill in order to live in harmony with yourself, the world and other people.
Self-love helps:
- build relationships with other people;
- use your strengths and weaknesses correctly;
- feel confident in yourself and in your life;
- set the right goals and easily achieve them;
- value and respect other people's feelings.
If a person does not love himself, he cannot build harmonious relationships with others. This is especially evident in personal and professional life.
In Spiritual Economics there are these words: “Love one another with brotherly love, strive to show respect to one another” (NRT, Romans 12:10). However, one who does not love and respect himself cannot treat others properly. Thus, a person who does not know how to love himself will sacrifice himself and his interests in family relationships, even if he is not asked to do so. The lack of self-love is very much felt subconsciously; accordingly, such a person will try to compensate for the lack of this love with the feelings of another person. This is how codependent relationships arise, in which one partner constantly puts himself in the position of victim and demands more love, compassion, and attention from the other.
In the professional sphere, a person who does not love himself will be used by other people. He will not be able to build personal boundaries in the team, so they will constantly ask him for favors, they will begin to saddle him with additional work, and at the same time take advantage of the results of his work. Spiritual Economics says: “Let no one try to please himself, but let him be concerned about what benefits others” (NRT, Cor. 10:24). At the same time, it is impossible to bring good if you do it to the detriment of yourself, so you always need to start with yourself so that you have the strength to help others.
Why we don’t love ourselves - the main reasons
As a rule, self-love and respect are established in early childhood. In many ways, education plays a role here. Although the Soviet model of education is already a thing of the past, its echoes still resonate in people, and accordingly, they instill these same qualities in their children.
What attitudes from childhood prevent a person from loving himself:
- “You are selfish and think only about yourself!” - this phrase forces you to prove that a person is not what they think about him. This thought is transformed into the attitude of “not thinking about yourself”, as a result the focus of attention shifts from your feelings, emotions, desires to pleasing others.
- “Do as you are told!” - with this phrase, parents often let their child know that he is worthy of love only when he meets their expectations. Expectations of others and self-love are mutually exclusive concepts.
- “You’re doing everything wrong!” - this phrase sows a feeling of guilt in the child, on the basis of which healthy self-love cannot grow.
- “First help others, then help yourself” is a powerful negative attitude that turns a person against himself.
Lack of self-love often arises from criticism and comparison with others. A common parenting trick is to set someone as an example for the child, expecting that this will become his motivation. It doesn't really work that way. If a person is constantly told that others are smarter, more capable, more beautiful or more successful than him, he will believe it. It is difficult to love and respect yourself if you have been told since childhood that others are better.
It is worth noting that self-dislike is often inherited. The fact is that the listed attitudes are often a consequence of the fact that parents do not love themselves. Thus, a woman who does not respect and love herself will definitely pass this quality on to her daughter through upbringing, and she will pass it on to her daughter, and so on, until one of the descendants is able to break these hereditary attitudes. It is for this reason that the problem of self-dislike is so global.
Interaction with loved ones
Self-love allows our character to become more open, kind and honest. It is these qualities that make it possible to achieve family happiness and mutual understanding with relatives. And best of all, a woman’s self-esteem is felt by her children. They immediately copy their mother’s behavior and grow up healthy and confident.
If you accept yourself and love yourself as you are, then many family conflicts will seem nonsense and a waste of time. You will be able to make peace with everyone with whom you quarreled over some emotional trifles.
Signs of self-dislike
There is no need to guess that a person does not love himself - it is easy to notice. As a rule, these are quiet and timid people who are content with little and are accustomed to denying themselves everything. They are easy to recognize in a crowd - by their stoop, modest clothing, and tiredness in their eyes. A person who does not love himself cannot be happy.
What signs indicate that you have problems with self-esteem and self-love:
- Low self-esteem. A person with such a problem belittles his dignity, is not aware of his strengths, does not know how or does not want to use his potential to improve his own life.
- Shifting the blame. As a rule, those who do not love themselves tend to blame others for their troubles. The inability to bear responsibility is another symptom indicating that it is time to learn to love yourself.
- Saving on yourself. There is nothing wrong with rational saving, however, if instead of buying yourself the necessary thing, you repeatedly postpone the purchase or spend the saved money on others - this is a reason to take care of yourself.
- Everything is for the sake of others. Another sign of a lack of love is the inability to refuse others.
- Problems in your personal life. You cannot build a harmonious and happy relationship with another person if there is no self-love. People with this problem constantly feel unhappy in relationships.
- Thirst for approval. A person who loves and respects himself does not need additional approval. However, those who cannot build a relationship with themselves try with all their might to earn praise.
This is only a small part of the signs. These include neglect of one’s interests, untidiness, lack of concern for health, inability to accept compliments and much more.
Summary
The psychology of self-love is a topic whose roots are difficult to find, but it is a fact that it will never lose its relevance. This is how the world works: we run after success, recognition, we look into the eyes of others, looking for approval in them, we think that our interests will wait, and we give up pleasure in favor of self-flagellation and exhausting work. What then? Poor health, lack of a decent environment, partner; the feeling that life is disappearing into emptiness.
Happiness begins with self-love. Each of us has a sun inside us that needs to be unleashed. It attracts good luck, fills you with energy, makes those around you happy and fills life with special meaning. So why hide it? Do what you love, listen to your heart, hug your family more often and don’t forget to love yourself simply for being you!
We wish you success!
We also invite you to take a short survey:
We also recommend reading:
- Storytelling
- 10 Steps to Healthy Self-Esteem
- Conflicts in relationships: a selection of useful materials
- Secrets of a happy relationship: a selection of useful materials
- How metaphors change the way we think about our own experiences.
- Raising children with love
- Sue Johnson, The Feeling of Love. A New Scientific Approach to Romantic Relationships"
- Why does a person need a relationship: answers from psychologists
- Healthy relationships: what they are and how to build them
- Self-love is the key to a happy life
- Sternberg's three-part theory of love
Key words: 1Psychoregulation, 1Self-knowledge
How to start loving yourself: practical recommendations
Once you start loving and respecting yourself, your life will immediately change for the better. To learn this, you need to change your thinking. Self-love begins with acceptance. This is serious internal work that needs to be reinforced every day.
In Spiritual Economics, inner torment is described in these words: “I am exhausted and overwhelmed beyond measure; I cry out because of the torment of my heart” (MDR, Ps. 37:9). This is exactly what a person who does not love himself subconsciously experiences. And here the following steps will come to the rescue.
Accept your appearance
Loving yourself in general begins with loving the body in which you live. The body needs care, but first you need to accept your appearance. This problem mainly concerns women who, due to self-doubt, do not feel beautiful and worthy of love, including their own.
You should start by stopping perceiving your body as something alien or temporary. Do this simple exercise: stand in front of a mirror and carefully study the reflection. Look at yourself through someone else's eyes and find 5 beautiful traits. Do this exercise every day until you begin to accept your appearance as it is.
The important thing here is not to convince yourself that you are beautiful, and not to indulge in narcissism, but to accept and love what is given to you by nature.
Take care of your body
The second step is to start taking care of and respecting your body. What is this concern:
- attention to health;
- proper balanced nutrition;
- playing sports;
- walks in the open air;
- contact with the body.
Taking care of your body is taking care of your health. Sign up for a full preventive examination, get rid of excess weight if it threatens your health, start eating well and varied.
Sports will help you connect with and accept your body, while at the same time strengthening your mental health and improving your self-esteem. This does not mean that you need to train to the point of exhaustion; sport in a person’s life should come from self-love. Accordingly, you need to choose activities that you like and train as much as you feel comfortable with. This could be dancing, swimming, cycling, a ten-minute run in the morning - whatever makes you happy.
Get to grips with your desires
To begin to respect and love yourself, you need to understand what exactly you want. Understanding true desires can be difficult, since a person with low self-esteem often mistakes other people's desires for their own.
Do a simple exercise. Take a piece of paper and write down everything you want: from simple inexpensive purchases to the most daring and grandiose desires. Then roll up the sheet and set it aside or even throw it away. The next day, repeat the exercise right in the morning and write down everything that comes to mind. Repeat this way for 45–60 days. For the last few weeks, the same items will appear on the sheet every morning - this is what you really want.
This exercise is great for helping you focus on yourself and discard the values imposed by other people.
Smile more often
A smile transforms a person not only externally, but also internally. To love yourself, start smiling at your reflection in the mirror every morning, smile at your thoughts and don’t be shy to smile at a colleague or neighbors you meet on your way home.
Set yourself a unique plan - at least five sincere smiles throughout the day. A couple of days of practice and you will feel happier.
Don't scold or criticize yourself
To love yourself, you need to start respecting yourself. To do this, you need to stop criticizing, scolding and comparing yourself with others. Every time you feel the urge to say something unflattering about yourself, stop. Instead of exclaiming, “I’m such a fool!”, tell yourself, “I made a mistake, but I allow myself to make mistakes.”
This simple exercise helps you begin to respect not only yourself, but also the people around you. In the future, instead of criticizing someone, you will think carefully. In addition, this technique is perfect for those who do not want to unknowingly impose negative attitudes on their children.
Respect your decisions
Perhaps this is one of the most difficult points on the path to healthy self-love - to begin to take responsibility for your decisions and respect them. This is difficult to learn, you will have to make an effort.
Any time you need to make a decision, you need to slow down and have an internal dialogue. Ask yourself what this decision will lead to, whether it will make you happy, whether it will help you achieve your goal. Be sure to ask if you really want it and how it will make you feel.
For example, a colleague asks you to help with work. You completed your part of the work a long time ago and were already getting ready to go home, but now you need to stay longer at his request. You have to ask yourself if this will be beneficial.
It’s one thing if a colleague helped you out, he is a good person whom you really want to help - then the help is justified and will not harm you. It’s another matter if you do this out of a desire to please and an inability to refuse, then this decision will work against you. However, no matter what decision you make as a result, do not scold yourself - this is self-respect.
Follow your heart
To establish a connection with yourself and love yourself, you need to start listening to your heart, that is, doing what you want, and not putting it off until later.
The problem with people with low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence is that they act as it is convenient for others, and not as they themselves want. Spiritual Economics says: “If you want to say yes, then just say “yes,” and if you want to say “no,” then just say “no” (ERV, Matt. 5:37). This phrase is about how important it is to be able to refuse.
It's never too late to start building personal boundaries. To do this, you need to track your feelings and emotions and, if possible, reduce to a minimum everything that is unpleasant for you. You should start doing as your heart tells you, and not out of a sense of duty, guilt, or because “it’s customary.” Don't let anyone manipulate your feelings and decisions.
A simple example: you met a friend and decided to go to a restaurant. Your friend loves Chinese cuisine, you love Italian. A friend, without asking you, reserves that much at a Chinese restaurant, knowing that you will agree to everything. Starting to love yourself means not allowing anyone to impose their opinion on you. Therefore, in this situation, you need to tell your friend about your desire to go to an Italian restaurant. If she doesn’t want to, it’s okay, together you can come to a compromise and choose a place that suits everyone. However, if you absolutely do not want to go to the place that she has chosen without consulting you, you have every right to refuse her. This is a manifestation of self-love.
Engage in self-development
Self-love manifests itself in self-care, spiritual and personal growth. It’s worth starting to engage in self-development if you feel insecure and lack of self-respect. Our courses will help you start loving yourself. First of all, pay attention to the training “How to remove self-doubt from your head. And in just 14 days, believe in yourself, your strengths and never doubt your abilities again” - this is a very powerful tool for increasing self-esteem and gaining self-confidence.
At the training “I am loved and desired” you will understand how to program yourself for love. The training will help you build harmonious relationships with the opposite sex, and will also teach you to love and respect yourself, because without this, love for another person is impossible.
My experience
Here's what helped me love myself:
- Getting rid of toxic people, things, activities. For 1-2 months, I observed and analyzed a lot, and kept a diary of emotions. I tracked what and who drained me, when and why my mood deteriorated. Soon I was able to make a list of what I would have to say goodbye to if I wanted to maintain a stable level of performance and be happy. Then she started saying goodbye.
- Finding something you love. The criteria for the job were as follows: it is related to my education (psychological and pedagogical), does not require leaving home, does not limit development and provides maximum freedom, can feed me. I tried different options for working via the Internet, analyzed my feelings and eventually came to copywriting. And although not all people consider this type of employment stable, I have a feeling of confidence in the future. As a last resort, I know that I can definitely master something else.
- Choosing a hobby. Each person should have their own outlet. You can choose a new hobby or return to old ones. For example, I returned to playing a musical instrument. I also relax when I prepare desserts or bake something.
- Getting rid of complexes. My main complex that I had to fight was being overweight. Because of him, I couldn't accept myself. Having gone through all the stages of “grieving” from the search for a magic pill to strict diets, I came to the only adequate approach: moderate and regular exercise + moderation in food. A well-known joke helped me: “To lose weight, I ate the same thing as everyone else, but half a bucket less.” Of course, food problems also had psychological reasons. I had to work with this too. I had to track when and why overeating or weight gain occurred.
What else happened? A lot of everything. For example, changing your image and developing your taste in clothes. Mastering skin and hair care skills. Fostering a responsible attitude towards health: preventive examinations, treatment if necessary, prevention of various problems. Etc. and so on. - all of what we have already mentioned earlier. For example, I had and still have a daily hour for myself and a day a month for myself.
The main thing is that I stopped comparing myself to anyone other than myself.
Breaking yourself is difficult. At first it looks like a daily struggle with myself. You have to move only on one belief: “this is necessary and it’s useful, it works, you have to wait.” But gradually real results become noticeable. And then you begin to move more actively, everything happens easier.
For example, at first I hated playing sports. This was accompanied by hysterics, insults directed at themselves, and much more. But now I feel that I physically need the load. I feel worse without her. Similarly, I feel how certain foods affect me, changes in sleep patterns, attempts to go against myself in something, etc. Awareness is very important in accepting yourself and developing self-love. You need to learn to feel at different levels everything that happens to you.
Interesting! When you love yourself, you will change externally and internally. You will become calmer, more balanced, more energetic, more positive. Your face will radiate light and warmth. People will be drawn to you. People around you will notice your changes.
