“Don’t beat yourself up!” How to cope with suspiciousness: advice from psychologists

• August 1, 2019
• Psychology of Personality
• Ekaterina Gordeeva

Sometimes you hear from relatives and close friends: “Stop beating yourself up.” It's easy to say. But what to do when all sorts of different thoughts about the future pop into your head, and they are far from joyful?

There is a category of people who take everything to heart. Such individuals tend to worry about everything. They take many things too seriously. Therefore, they are often told: “Don’t push yourself.” So, how can you avoid this “overthinking”? This and much more is written in the article.

Why is this happening?

Sometimes in a specific situation a person begins to panic. “Stop it, don’t screw it up!” - you beg yourself, but it’s of little use. The thoughts become even more overwhelming. Why is this happening?

From ignorance of the future in the first place. The second point is excitement. And the third is fear, inherent in every person.

Let's give an example. The child is studying at the institute. He should have been home a long time ago. But I still haven't arrived. Doesn't answer calls. What thoughts come into parents' heads? The worst. I want to drop everything and run in search of my son. It’s dark outside, the child doesn’t know where he is. And it doesn’t occur to the mother that the phone could be dead, and the child was delayed at the institute. She is visited by terrible thoughts: something happened, she got into an accident or was hit by a car.

But in fact, an over-aged child went on a spree with his classmates. Mom got nervous, working herself up to the fullest. Why did she cultivate terrible thoughts? Out of worry for your child. Perhaps the example given is not the best. Any mother will worry when she doesn’t know what’s wrong with her child.

What is the danger of making bad things happen?

Our brain perceives fictional events and reality in the same way - it reacts as required by the vivid picture that has arisen in our head. Scary scenarios that we come up with ourselves provoke the brain to act; it “believes” that the worst has already happened and begins to save the body out of the blue, causing defensive reactions (the release of adrenaline, the appearance of fear, anxiety, stress, rapid heartbeat, readiness for rapid reactions).

Constantly scrolling through gloomy pictures in your head causes adrenaline to flow into your blood regularly. And this is already fraught with the occurrence of hypertension, diseases of the gastrointestinal tract, insomnia, manifestations of symptoms of chronic depression and increased blood sugar. In addition, due to frequent “use”, brain tissue and organs responsible for the production of hormones are depleted.

As a result, a person acquires many chronic and somatic ailments that interfere with life.

Example

This example from the category of “don’t cheat” is more understandable than the previous one.

My husband is late from work. And the wife sits and thinks that he is with his mistress. Why such a thought? From self-doubt. The wife is afraid of losing her soul mate, and she lacks confidence. So she begins to think that her dear husband has found a replacement for her.

Then he comes home, his wife starts a scandal. The psyche cannot withstand the excitement, it is necessary to discharge. Let off steam on the object that caused her this suffering.

What's the point? She came up with it herself, got offended, and then yelled at her husband. Isn't it easier to fight your own suspiciousness? How?! More on this below.

help yourself

What does it mean to “twist yourself”? This means inventing something for yourself that does not exist. People work themselves up out of excitement, fear and suspiciousness. And others - out of resentment.

Surely everyone is familiar with the situation: there is, for example, a person in a team. Good to everyone, but terribly touchy. If you tell him something about work, expect trouble. He will immediately get upset and say that he is not appreciated, it’s time to retire (or quit, depending on his age). And then he goes around sulking all day.

What to do if you recognize yourself in such a person? Try to understand that the problem is not with the people around us. They don’t really have anything against us, and they make kind comments. It's better to have a colleague make a remark about work than a boss. The latter will not stand on ceremony, he will call you “on the carpet” and go ahead.

Listen to what your colleagues say. And don’t blame them, it’s better to watch yourself carefully. Perhaps the work was done carelessly? According to the “bugger-bugger” principle? It is not surprising that colleagues made a remark.

In general, be attentive to yourself. Watch your actions and actions.

Portrait of a man with negative thinking

What is he like - a person who is used to creating a bad script for himself?

1. Often reasons based on personal negative experience.
2. Almost any incident is interpreted as an obstacle to peace and happiness.
3. Avoids new events and changes.
4. Thinks and speaks specifically about bad events and dangerous phenomena.
5. Sees the negative in most situations.
6. Doesn't know how to look at what happened from another person's perspective.
7. Does not admit that he has a problem.
8. He proves, both to himself and to his surroundings, why negativity is happening all around.
9. At the first unsuccessful experience, I am inclined to see the reason anywhere, but not in myself.
10. Often experiences apathy and is prone to depression.

Depressing thoughts

How to stop giving yourself bad thoughts? Sit down and think about what I can change in a specific situation.

Let's return to the described situation with the husband and mistress. Let's say that the spouse holds a leadership position. He has a secretary. If you really can’t wait, call him at work and ask to speak with him. If your husband left the workplace, you will know. As well as about an unscheduled meeting.

The husband left the office, but he is not home yet, and the phone is not answering. The device could be discharged, or the other half turned it off. There may be traffic jams on the roads, look at how congested the road is on which your spouse always goes home.

There are no traffic jams. He's definitely with his mistress! Not at all, I went to the store and decided to buy something tasty for dinner.

Think this way instead of being nervous.

GuruTest

Inventing mythical problems, unfounded and even unrealistic, is a “side” function of human nature. We know how to think, compare and predict the development of events. This allows a person to develop: for example, he set a goal to buy an apartment, and then came up with a plan to earn money in order to purchase it, and implemented it. That is, he used thinking to obtain good.

But you can also think up bad things, simply by developing an ordinary event according to a negative scenario and grieving in advance from a fictitious misfortune. Then no good will be added to life, only problems will begin. This means it’s time to think about how you can stop worrying about anything and making a big deal out of nothing.

Remember past “cheats”

Since you like to worry about everything: about yourself, about your children, about your relatives, your neighbor, your country and the world, then remember the many mental “catastrophes” you have built and their real results. Now think about how many situations you were right, how much of what you “prophesied” came true? Probably less than a percent, be honest. Therefore, reconsider your ability to exaggerate, do not overthink yourself and your loved ones.

Learn to perceive things realistically and not exaggeratedly

Any situation is neutral by definition, only a person decides for himself whether it is good or bad. Therefore, try to look at things realistically, and do not invent unnecessary things. Learn to simply perceive the course of events and concentrate on the solution. If a child gets wet during a walk, then he’s just wet - dry him, give him dry clothes and warm tea, and don’t immediately shove medicine and don’t call your relatives, telling them what trouble happened to you. Take everything realistically and act appropriately.

Stop trying to control everything

Soberly assess your capabilities and interests. Does the whole situation in the world really concern you so much that you don’t sleep at night, and can you change anything in this world? So why worry if your capabilities are limited, and most worries do not concern you. Let the unnecessary things go out of sight!

And let go of some of what is still happening in your life. Don’t even try to control all of its characters and think through the development of events. You shouldn’t worry whether your sister’s husband earns enough and whether they have enough for repairs, for example. What do these experiences give you personally? Again, what will you do - force her husband to develop his career? No, then why worry. Learn not to think about everything at once.

Imagine the worst case scenario

The essence of the experience is that, having thought up a negative ending, the person who likes to “wind up” himself stops at the bad result and exaggerates it, intensifies the damage and suffers from it, and all only mentally. But behind the result, albeit tragic, there is further life. Even if a person falls and breaks his arm (which is a bad result), his life will not end - the arm will recover and everything will go as usual. Therefore, if you are one of those amateurs, look a little further than your sad predictions, maybe then the desire to “wind up” yourself from scratch will disappear.

Break the pattern of past failures and today

Living in the past is like walking backwards. Past fiascoes do not mean that future tragedies are inevitable. That is, if your first marriage failed, this does not mean that everything is lost, that you should not even try further. Break the habit of finding sad endings by projecting onto all past failures, yours and especially those of others or fictitious ones. Forget everything and live now. Give yourself a chance for good things!

Think about the harm of negative thoughts, worries and fears

Do you know how negative energies affect us? They may spur some people on, but mostly they destroy us. From constant worries and fears, sleep deteriorates, mood disappears, headaches develop, and appetite is lost. This alone is enough to stop doing this business.

Meditate, develop spiritually

Learn to control the course of your thoughts - meditation, yoga, dancing, whatever, but learn. Otherwise they will “eat” you. There is nothing difficult about not thinking about anything or driving away bad, destructive thoughts. Simple training in concentration on a subject will already advance you in this.

Knowing how to “not think”, you will launch a thought at will and decide whether to develop it or not. This means you can interrupt the chain of your fears at the very beginning. But, most importantly, if you continue to meditate and develop spiritually, you will realize the futility of such behavior.

Get busy

Maybe you are simply engaged in useless thoughts out of idleness? Perhaps you have a lot of time for this? So fill it with something to do so that it distracts you from your favorite “wind-ups”. Do something useful, completely, to the end, so that not an ounce of attention is left for worrying about it or without it. This will bring a more tangible result in the form of money or a clean apartment, which is much better than depression and wasted time, isn’t it?

By solving the problem of excessive anxiety and the habit of exaggerating the situation, you will greatly simplify your life. Whatever it is, change the very quality of your life - joy, laughter, happiness and other pleasant attributes will return to it. Therefore, do not delay this “healing”, and if you are just starting a career as a lover of “twisting” yourself, then quit immediately. Live positively!

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09.04.2018 02:01

Get busy

How to stop worrying and stressing yourself out? The best way to distract yourself from bad thoughts is work.

And housework falls under the same theme. If you are waiting for your spouse to get home from work, but he is late, start cleaning up your apartment. Here you need to brush off the dust, but over there there is dirt on the floor. By the time you clean up, your husband will arrive home safely.

Switch your attention

How to quickly calm down when you're angry or nervous? You need to distract yourself by all means. Many people blame their problems on alcohol. This is only a temporary solution that can ultimately send a person to the bottom. Get down to business: clean the apartment, beat out the carpets, do the laundry. The more boring and difficult the work, the better.

A busy person has no time to think about boors, an unfair boss or gossips giggling behind their back. By shifting your attention, reduce or get rid of the feeling of anxiety. Practicing psychologist Alexey Chudochkin recommends switching to communication with other people to relieve anxiety.

What do psychologists say?

How to stop beating yourself up? The advice from psychologists is the same - you need to distract yourself.

We've sorted out the first two options for how to get distracted. What else is included here?

• Walk. Psychologists say that 20 minutes in the fresh air helps to collect “thoughts in a heap.” That is, switch from negative thoughts to positive ones.
• Music. Turn on your favorite music and lose yourself in it.
• Phone conversation. Call your mother, relatives or friend with whom you communicate most often. Casual conversation is a great way to combat bad thoughts.
• Reading. A book is the best interlocutor. Pick up your favorite book and immerse yourself in reading.
• Sport. In order to do it, you don’t have to go to the gym. You need to get rid of your thoughts here and now. So start doing physical exercises. Turn on some upbeat music and go ahead.
• Do some digging within yourself. It is easier to follow the call “don’t beat yourself up” when a person understands the reasons for mental negativity. What makes you think about bad things? Fear of a particular situation, lack of self-confidence, anxiety - try to find the root of the problem. Then it’s easier to deal with it.

Super-fast ways to calm down and stop freaking out

Sometimes timely reassurance even saves a life. You say: “How?” For example, you are driving and an unusual situation occurs involving pedestrians on the road. If you don’t react in time and give in to panic, you may end up causing a collision.

Therefore, it is important to know how to calm down in a matter of minutes or even seconds, how to quickly get rid of fear and anxiety. Get ready to learn new skills:

1. Irritability occurs when a person is especially vulnerable. Therefore, it is important to feel support on a physical level. If you see that nervousness is “rolling over” you, find physical support: sit comfortably in transport, lean on the back of a chair, a wall, remove high-heeled shoes or classic shoes if possible, place your feet on the floor for stability.
2. Breathe deeply. Deep breathing helps restore physiological processes that occur during anxiety or irritation: rapid heartbeat, frequent shallow breathing, spasms in the digestive tract, etc.
3. Take a break. This is extremely important - if you need to make important decisions, and you are in terrible discomfort, find a good reason to leave the room. Switch your attention to a flying bird, dripping rain, other natural phenomena, people's behavior, pleasant objects. A pause will help you calm down, and then you will return to the office in a normal state.
4. Find support. This is not shedding responsibility for decisions made in stressful situations. Having found support for your opinion, you will understand that you are not alone in this vast Universe. In any issue that really worries you, try to talk with someone close to you - together it is easier to cope with the problem.
5. We respond tactfully even to rudeness. It is important to respect other people's and your own boundaries. Responding to rudeness with rudeness is the last thing that even a defensive animal can handle. If someone made a sharp attack in your direction, you should gather your emotions into a fist, talk like an adult to a child, instructing, and not throwing mud at them.

Friends, you can contact Sergei Litan, a psychologist and psychoanalyst. It will help if you want:

1. Get out of depression.
2. Bring back the joy in life.
3. Get your inner state in order.
4. Get rid of fears, phobias and panic attacks and much more.

In this article I tell you how I managed to get rid of internal fear and anxiety in just 1 month with the help of Sergei’s advice.

The most important tip

Many people tend to imagine the outcome of a certain situation. And for some reason he is seen in a negative way. Bad thoughts creep into the head when a person begins to replay possible events in his head. As a result, this leads to a depressed state and the inability to overcome your bad thoughts.

Stop! This way we will not be able to overcome despondency. We will become even more ossified in this state. So let's solve problems as they arise. This is much more effective than overthinking yourself.

How suspiciousness is dangerous for a person

Constant fears and worries for oneself and loved ones, often arising without reason - this is what suspiciousness is. People prone to it are afraid of making the wrong choice, do not trust others, and invent problems. They are often said about them: “They make mountains out of molehills.”

Suspicion is an excellent breeding ground for the development of various disorders:

• anxiety – a strong feeling that something bad will happen;
• hypochondria - a constant search for illnesses in oneself, the feeling that one is terminally ill;
• low self-esteem - lack of self-confidence;
• phobias – uncontrollable and irrational fear;
• paranoia – development of crazy ideas, excessive suspicion, jealousy.

Constant fears, as I already mentioned, are a feature of the psyche, so it is very difficult to completely eradicate it. But, thanks to the works of psychologists, you can apply some practices to learn how to manage this condition and make your life easier.

If you believe in God

For those who consider themselves Christians, there is separate advice. You begin to mentally say: “Don’t beat yourself up! Pray.” If possible, stand in front of your home iconostasis and ask God for help. Ask him to help drive away bad thoughts.

A little consolation for each of us: we all walk under God. Everything is according to His will. God wants to save every person. And he leads him to salvation in a certain way. Therefore, when you are scared, it seems that everything in life is falling apart, and there is emptiness and darkness ahead, remember this. Everything is according to the will of God. God will not allow more than we need.

Trip to nature

Another very pleasant way to distract yourself from bad thoughts is to connect with nature. Go to the forest or lake this coming weekend. And if you have tents, a fire, songs with a guitar and camp porridge - this is an ideal option.

Do you remember going hiking in your youth? And mosquitoes, rain, and snow did not bother us. They took backpacks, taller than themselves, dressed warmer and walked. There were no cell phones, and we weren’t afraid of anything; we spent the night in the forest. A larger group will gather, jokes and laughter, singing with a guitar near the fire. It was a golden time!

Now everyone has grown up, everyone has their own things to do. But why not remember your youth? And don't go camping with your family. At least for two days. And you will be distracted from bad thoughts, and the children will be happy.

Analysis and analysis of fears

To get rid of the constant worries that are so annoying every day, you need to do a lot of work on yourself. If you don’t do this, you will interfere with the lives of not only yourself, but also those around you. To live without worrying and without spending a lot of energy on stress, learn to deal with all your fears. Divide them into two lists: solvable and unsolvable.

Let's start with the problems that can be solved. If you understand that with due effort you can easily cope with them, then you should not waste your nerves worrying about this. Now let's look at another list. Ask yourself, can I change anything? And if the answer is no, then stop worrying about something that has nothing to do with you.

Live one day at a time

We left work in the evening, and there were a lot of thoughts in my head. The report was not completed, it will come from the boss. And the letter was not sent to an important supplier, and a hundred more mistakes were made. We begin to think about how embarrassing we will be in front of our boss tomorrow. And about how much needs to be done tomorrow. What if we don't make it in time? What if we do something wrong? What if this is it? What if this is it?

Let's leave the "if". Is here and now. Live today, now. Look around, the world is beautiful. Take a deep breath of fresh air and smile. Everything is fine, you have this evening, this hour, this minute. Live it, and tomorrow you will think about what to do. Remember? We solve problems as they arise. Let's enjoy today's moment.

Tip 8. Set an acceptable level of anxiety

To control excitement and anxiety, you need to mentally set a “limiter” on your emotions. Just assess the situation and determine the acceptable level of anxiety that should not be exceeded.

As you can see, Dale Carnegie's recommendations are quite simple and easily applicable in everyday life. The main thing to do is to firmly decide to change your thinking. You can also study the nature of stress and master relaxation techniques - look at the instructions in the free online course “Stress Management”.