How to cope with jealousy: advice from a Moscow psychologist

Mild, borderline and severe mental disorders can be accompanied by morbid jealousy.
In particular, delusions of jealousy can occur against the background of schizophrenia (F20, ICD-10), schizotypal and delusional disorders (F21–22, ICD-10), as well as pathology of the endocrine and nervous systems (for example, with the use of psychoactive substances, hormonal drugs). The treatment tactics for delusions of jealousy depend on the identified mental disorder (the true cause) and the nature of the course of the disease. In some cases, pathological jealousy can be eliminated during sessions of individual and/or family psychotherapy (6–8 sessions); in others, selection of pharmacotherapy is required.

Our clinic sees male and female sexologists, as well as psychotherapists with extensive clinical experience specializing in relationship problems.

The prognosis for the treatment of delusions of jealousy comes down to a therapeutic assessment of the underlying disease, resistance to pharmacotherapy and the presence of concomitant mental disorders. The chance of relapse of the disease after discharge is quite high, so you should attend follow-up examinations, follow recommendations for taking medications, and do not neglect individual and family psychotherapy.

Consultation with a doctor for the treatment of delusions of jealousy:

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• Selection of therapy on an outpatient basis, anonymously
• Help from a psychotherapist and psychiatrist

Psychologists about jealousy

From the point of view of a psychologist, jealousy is one of the phenomena of the human psyche, which in many situations is a normal reaction to the emerging conditions of a lack of attention from a significant person. That is, it is assumed that in any normal healthy person this feeling is possible. Jealousy is a negatively colored experience and therefore causes suffering. Like any negative emotion (envy, humiliation, guilt, desire for revenge, etc.), jealousy has a “useful meaning”, allowing our psyche to better adapt to external stress factors. According to psychologists, the so-called unconscious jealousy is especially insidious and “toxic”. Unconscious jealousy is manifested by aggressive or codependent behavior with loved ones, self-aggression. At the same time, the person himself does not understand that he is jealous and is trying in this way to regain attention, recognition or love.

Risk group for the development of pathology

Doctors were able to establish that more often people experience delusions of jealousy who:

• abuse alcohol;
• take psychoactive substances;
• suffer from hallucinosis, paranoid personality disorder;
• have been abused in the past;
• experience difficulties interacting with members of the opposite sex;
• have pronounced sadistic tendencies.

Psychiatrists about jealousy

From the point of view of a psychiatrist, jealousy, in addition to being a negative emotion and a complex feeling, is also a symptom. Symptom - because jealousy causes suffering and can cause mental pain. And because for many mental illnesses it is a specific indicator.

What diseases can jealousy be a symptom of (“pathological jealousy”):

• Paranoia.
• Psychoorganic syndrome (encephalopathy).
• Dementia (dementia).
• Mild mental retardation.
• Personality disorders (psychopathy).
• Alcoholism.
• Epilepsy.
• Depression.

Based on modern knowledge about the physiology of the brain, jealousy can be classified as a type of anxiety (fear, phobia). Just like with any anxious state, with jealousy there is overexcitation of certain structures in the brain. Only in cases of jealousy (unlike most phobias) does the focus of overexcitation exist for a long time, contributing to an imbalance in the processes of inhibition and excitation throughout the brain and changes in chemical processes in neurons.

Causes of the disease

Psychiatry today is not able to indicate the exact causes of delusions of jealousy. Psychiatrists use several theories of the occurrence of “Othello syndrome,” each of which is quite viable. Many factors that can influence the development and course of the disease have not yet been fully studied by specialists.

The main reasons for the development of the disorder in men include:

• delusional disorders, schizophrenia;
• alcohol addiction;
• sexual problems;
• long-term depression, dysthymia;
• cerebrovascular diseases;
• hormonal disorders;
• reduced self-esteem.

The main reasons for the development of delusions of jealousy in women include hormonal disorders in the body and chronic alcoholism. Since this condition is often accompanied by depression, the likelihood of suicide is high.

Delirium is a common symptom of a considerable number of mental disorders, but it cannot be considered the initial stage of the disease: for example, in the case of schizophrenia, it develops much later.

How to get rid of feelings of jealousy

If jealousy arises as a reaction to real external events (the departure of a loved one for another, unrequited love, lack of attention), then there is no need to specifically get rid of it. In such cases this is normal. Psychologists recommend waiting it out (“press pause”), switching gears (going on vacation or working with your head), working with your anxiety and your, usually in such cases, low self-esteem. Psychologists have a lot of exercises and activities in their arsenal for this type of help: special trainings, psychotherapy using the symboldrama method or emotional-imaginative therapy.

In cases where a feeling of jealousy covers the entire consciousness, subordinates behavior, changes perception, then the help of a psychotherapist or psychiatrist will be required. In mild cases, pathological jealousy manifests itself in the form of obsessive thoughts; a person may remain critical of his condition and understand that he cannot cope with it on his own. In severe cases, the preoccupation turns into delirium (erroneous conclusions that cannot be dissuaded), critical understanding is lost, and here help is only possible in cases where relatives notice this and can arrange an examination by a psychiatrist. Only treatment can get rid of such feelings of jealousy.

What symptoms accompanying feelings of jealousy should be noted as dangerous and requiring the help of a doctor:

• Checking someone else's phone, mail, social networks and other personal correspondence. Checking personal belongings. Regularly and for no reason.
• A strong belief that “he (she) is definitely cheating on me” without evidence of cheating.
• Sleep disturbances in the form of late falling asleep and (or) early awakenings.
• Decreased appetite, weight loss.
• Aggression.
• The feeling that others are “discussing, judging or hating me.”
• Guilt.

How to cope with jealousy: advice from a Moscow psychologist

Jealousy is one of the common reasons why women turn to psychologists. Many women tend to experience a constant painful state of internal fear, fear of losing an object that is significant to them. According to experts, everyone has jealousy to one degree or another. We can be jealous of friends, colleagues, family members, it all depends on the degree of emotional closeness. What is jealousy and where does it come from, says Nina Kizrina, a psychologist at the Nadezhda branch of the Crisis Center for Assistance to Women and Children.

Bring peace back to the family

32-year-old Tatyana contacted the Crisis Center for Women and Children. She has been married to Mikhail for 12 years, her husband holds a leadership position and spends a lot of time at work.

Until June 2022, the woman had no idea that her husband could cheat on her. But after her best friend’s long-term and happy marriage collapsed before her eyes due to infidelity, Tatyana became seriously worried. In just a few weeks, she got so worked up that she couldn’t sleep a wink. The woman began to feel that Mikhail had been deceiving her for a long time. This is how endless surveillance of her husband began, and over time this led to frequent conflicts in the family that had not existed before. Tatyana realized that causeless jealousy would not lead to good, and turned to professional psychologists for help.

“The psychologist developed a plan for individual conversations. Meetings with Tatyana took place once or twice a week for three months. In the process of work, we managed to restore the emotional background, relieve obsessive and disturbing thoughts, harmonize the relationship between spouses and restore peace to the family,” says the specialist.

What kind of jealousy is there?

Jealousy is a strong, negative, emotional feeling of possessiveness, enhanced by selfishness, the desire to completely control another person, which is usually expressed in distrust, suspicion, and painful doubts about fidelity and love.

Psychologists distinguish three types of jealousy: rational, irrational, delusional jealousy.

• Rational jealousy occurs when there is actually a real threat of losing the object of love.
• Irrational jealousy is not related to reality and is based mainly on imagination and fantasy. It occurs in people with a vivid imagination, who suffer from inferiority complexes, and who suffered mental trauma in childhood.
• Delirium of jealousy is inadequate, unreasonable jealousy, reaching the point of mental pathology. This type of jealousy mainly occurs in people with mental disorders (schizophrenia, paranoid disorder, alcoholism, drug addiction).

How jealousy is born

Feelings of jealousy develop between one and three years of age. In the family, the child learns how to interact with each other, what the relationship between parents should be. The baby sees how mom and dad communicate, take care of each other, and solve problems.

As a rule, a jealous woman in most cases chooses as her husband a man who will stimulate this feeling. The origins of the causes of jealousy come from child-parent relationships - lack of love in childhood, physical or sexual abuse, genetic predisposition, childhood psychological trauma. Growing up, a jealous woman on an unconscious level begins to play out her scenario from childhood - the psychological trauma of rejection, fearing its repetition. Later, such behavior acts as a form of prevention of betrayal.

“The reasons for jealousy may be competition between brothers/sisters who claim a special status with their parents; identifying with the betrayed parent when the other parent is unfaithful; dysfunctional relationships in the parental family - alcoholism, physical violence, infidelity by a parent of the opposite sex,” says the specialist.

The reasons for jealousy in adulthood are self-doubt, low sexual self-esteem, the presence of an inferiority complex, uselessness, and underestimation of one’s own abilities and capabilities. Also, the causes of jealousy can be emotional dependence, fear of losing the object of love or loneliness, an excessive sense of ownership, an unlimited right to possess another person.

One of the ways jealousy manifests itself is sadomasochism. Experiences of jealousy here are closely related to self-torment, with manifestations of masochistic tendencies.

“The jealous person gets a kind of pleasure from the torment experienced during constant surveillance, looking for evidence of her partner’s betrayal,” notes Svetlana.

An important reason for jealousy is the neurotic need for control. If a jealous woman misses the opportunity to control her partner, then she begins to panic and jealousy increases significantly.

Another reason for jealousy is the provocative behavior of a partner. In this case, the partner unconsciously provokes jealousy in order to receive “evidence of love,” focusing on the formula “being jealous means loving.” Therefore, such women always have a dramatic relationship with their partner; she constantly needs confirmation of love. This indicates a high degree of codependency.

“If there is silence at home, there are no manifestations from the husband, declarations of love, scandals and manifestations of jealousy, then it becomes unbearable for her - she needs an emotional shake-up, a release that she is used to receiving in her parents’ dysfunctional family,” says the psychologist.

How to get rid of jealousy

1. If you decide to fight this negative and destructive feeling, then always proceed from the idea that your partner is faithful to you. If you keep thinking about him cheating on you, you will never be able to overcome your jealousy.
2. Realize that the reason for your jealousy lies not in the actions of your partner, but in your own fears of the horrors that your imagination draws: infidelity, betrayal, loneliness.
3. Having realized that the reason for your jealousy is fears and complexes, do not expect your partner to do something magical that will make jealousy go away. Won't take it off. The only person who can pull you out of the swamp of jealousy before it completely destroys you completely is yourself.
4. Replacing fear. The best way to deal with fear is another fear. Stop being afraid that your loved one will cheat on you, start fearing that with your suspicions, scenes of jealousy and hysterics you will completely destroy your relationship. When you are truly afraid of this, the feeling of jealousy will leave you forever.

If you find it difficult to cope with feelings of jealousy on your own, sign up for a consultation with professional psychologists. The specialists at My Family will help you in such a difficult situation.

Press service of the Department of Labor and Social Protection of the Population of Moscow

What methods do doctors use to treat morbid jealousy?

Pathological jealousy is difficult to treat. Therapy is preceded by the doctor’s determination of the psychological, social and biological characteristics of each specific patient. The greatest successes in therapy can be achieved with the help of psychopharmacotherapy: specific neuroleptics, mood stabilizers, neurometabolic therapy, sedatives. Psychotherapy and physiotherapy are used in combination with medications. Isolation from the familiar environment (for example, hospitalization in a hospital) can have a positive effect on the prevalence of ideas of jealousy.

If you or your loved one exhibits the symptoms described above, please contact us. We provide psychological assistance and, if necessary, treatment of pathological jealousy.

Treatment of delusions of jealousy in our clinic

Treatment of delusions of jealousy should be carried out in a psychoneurological hospital and under the supervision of experienced psychiatrists and psychotherapists. This is due to the fact that the patient is not able to adequately perceive many things. In addition, exacerbation of delusional disorder can pose a threat to the patient or those around him. This requires constant monitoring of the patient.

Treatment of delusions of jealousy in a hospital has another undeniable advantage - it allows for a full diagnosis of the body, identifying all mental and physiological deviations from the norm. Also, during treatment in a hospital, you can choose and apply the most effective therapy, while protecting the patient from factors that provoke an exacerbation of the condition.

Treatment of delusions of jealousy in men and women is carried out in the following areas:

• treatment of the underlying mental disorder;
• prescription of psychopharmacological drugs;
• conducting cognitive behavioral and family psychotherapy.

The earlier the disorder is identified, the more effective and efficient the therapy will be.

What does male jealousy lead to?

She always spoils the relationship between partners. Sooner or later, those who are constantly reproached and suspected of non-existent sins feel unbearably cramped living under the same roof with a jealous guy.

Think about the children: rest assured, quarrels based on unfounded suspicions always have a negative impact on their psyche and behavior patterns.

Look at the situation from the other side: if you instill a feeling of guilt in your partner for many years, unreasonably declaring that he is a cheater, sooner or later groundless suspicions can become a reality.

In addition, the degree of tension in relationships is always increased. In small doses, jealousy may not have a negative effect. But sometimes, overwhelming suspicions can make the jealous person himself so jealous that the criminal police will have to respond.

Treatment of this disease

Usually they resort to the help of psychotherapists and psychiatrists. Jealousy can be dealt with easily by simply isolating the cause of its manifestation. This will not work with pathology. In addition to eliminating the source of pathology, it will be necessary to normalize the person’s mental state, which was disturbed during this period of time.

Diagnostics

• Analysis of the patient’s behavior during the period of pathology;
• Personal conversation with a psychotherapist;
• Collecting information through surveys, drawing up questionnaires and passing tests;
• Interview with close relatives and friends.

Based on a set of data, the specialist makes his verdict on the diagnosis and condition of the person.

How to deal with a jealous spouse

An interesting pattern, but the more a man assures a lady of his innocence, the less she believes him.
Persuasion and persuasion will not help here. In love, women behave illogically and irrationally. You can't lie to a jealous woman. Honest confessions, expressing real thoughts - all these actions can prove to the wife that there is nothing to hide from her. Trust in each other is one of the main feelings in a relationship.

If the wife is more or less adequate and listens to common sense, then you should just calmly discuss all the sensitive moments with her. Organize, as it were, an “outside view” - simply list the events, but do not start conversations on the topic “guilty or not of treason.”

You need to respect your wife’s experiences, but you shouldn’t try to make amends for your “imaginary” sins with sweets, flowers, or affection. This will only add firewood to the huge fire of her suspicions.

If your spouse is jealous of you for a specific object, then you should stop communicating with the woman your wife suspects. You need to tell your wife more often how much he loves her.

What happens next?

Of course, women feel humiliated and insulted: after all, they are suspected of sexual infidelity or, at least, of striving for this infidelity, while they do not even think about cheating. Constant persecution “all over the field” quickly exhausts the psyche, and a year or two after the start of their life together they fall into real depression. The depressive state of a woman, tormented by suspicions of infidelity, is unusually insidious: it creeps up slowly and unnoticed - after all, the jealous person “rolls over” his victim gradually, his suspicions unfold week after week, month after month. And the victim, gradually falling into depression, firstly, does not clearly connect her condition with her husband’s behavior, and secondly, forgets how cheerful she was before she fell under the skating rink of suspicion.

It is the depressive state that prevents the victim from escaping from her partner - she does not believe in herself, does not believe that she can live independently, can provide for herself, raise a child, start a new family, or at least find a permanent friend. She believes that - with all his shortcomings - this and only this man loves her, and he “must be held on to,” and his suspicions and reproaches “must be endured.” “Who needs me like that?” – the patients say in one voice, completely forgetting that just a few years ago they had many contenders for their hand and heart. Trying to escape depression and decreased self-esteem, a significant portion of these women actually start an affair or at least a short-term (one or two) sexual relationship. They have been humiliated so many times that they rightly believe that they have the right to some kind of moral compensation. This is the main paradox of jealousy: the goal of the jealous person is to prevent potential betrayal, but, as a rule, he achieves the completely opposite situation.

Jealousy always looks through a telescope that makes small objects big, dwarfs into giants, suspicions into truths.

Miguel Cervantes de Saavedra