When a person experiences addiction, it immediately comes to mind that we are talking about drugs or alcohol, but this is not always the case. Sometimes people can be dependent on their lovers, friends, relatives; this feeling is defined by the word “addiction”. The consequences of such a situation can be negative, because too pronounced obsessive manifestations will lead to personality disorder and the development of other psychiatric ailments. A dependent attitude manifests itself in constant control, an unhealthy craving to be always nearby and a loss of self-control. In this article, I will tell you in detail how to get rid of the state of psychological dependence, which is expressed in attachment to a person, and I will describe how this relates to psychology.
What is this feeling
This type of dependent relationship can take several forms:
- love;
- psychological.
The first involves obsession with a partner, parent or friend, teacher, artist. If such a feeling arises, the best option would be to immediately contact a psychologist.
Such attachment can lead to the main danger - a negative and destructive impact on the mental state of the dependent person. Such a person does not see the problem and wants to completely dissolve in his beloved, fulfill all his dreams and requests.
There is also psychological dependence on other people, the development of which is to blame for culture and society. In many films, books and theatrical performances we see true, sincere and heroic love, which gives rise to unhealthy behavior in us, the desire for the same romantic and loud relationships as in literary works. Another reason for the occurrence of such an illness is the primordial female image: a girl is obliged to love her husband with all her heart, fulfill his whims and care for him.
When a person does not build his personal boundaries, attachment develops on a psychological level. This manifests itself if the individual does not see the line where his influence ends and begins. He will not be able to clearly say which desires belong to him and which belong to his parents, partner, management. He also doesn’t listen to his body well, for example, he is unable to say “no” to his loved one in intimacy when he doesn’t want it at all. Such a person lives the life of another person, she is absorbed in him, and meanwhile her dreams, aspirations, desires act as ghosts.
But there is another reason for the appearance of such attachment - the loss of a close friend, spouse, parent. If an individual experiences this, he is traumatized. This event left an imprint of fear of loss on his life. Because of this, he becomes intrusive, overly responsive, and uses all his strength to maintain close relationships.
What's bad about emotionally dependent relationships?
Well, what's so scary about that, you might think? Women can be small and weak, but for men, on the contrary, it is important to feel their importance and take care of the lady of their heart. The fact is that in dependent relationships there is strong emotional tension all the time, and therefore both partners feel unhappy. For example, a woman is always worried that she will be abandoned, and a man is angry because she always demands something from him and does not give him freedom. He wants to go fishing with friends, but she whines that he doesn’t love her and leaves her “all alone on the day off.” In dependent couples, relationships are always unstable - from merging, when the couple walks somewhere together, cooing, holding hands, to a new wave of alienation, when tired of the merging, the man slams the door and leaves for the night, and the woman sobs and tears herself up. hair in alarm that she was abandoned after all. Then the lovers make up, and the cycle repeats again. Over time, tired of such tension in the couple, the man, as a rule, leaves, once again justifying the woman’s alarming fears - “I really was abandoned, no one needs me.”
Very often, it is in such relationships that abuse develops, when a man, realizing his power and importance, shows aggression, manipulates his other half, realizing that he will not be abandoned anyway. A dependent partner, by his behavior, seems to constantly deny his own value, unconsciously signaling to his beloved - “I don’t know if I’m good enough for love, you evaluate me.” And naturally, at some point, the other half begins to take advantage of this.
Causes
To understand how to overcome and overcome dependence on a person, you need to know why it develops. A dependent state is a strong attachment of one individual to another. There are several reasons for the appearance of this disease:
- The emergence of a desire to avoid responsibility. It manifests itself even in childhood, if the child was under the overprotection of his parents. In his childhood life, all problems were solved by adults, so he is not able to overcome all difficulties on his own. Such people do not feel protected, so they strive to be under the care of their husband or wife and always hope for their help.
- Harassment. Children who have experienced violence from adults need support, care, tenderness and love most of all. And everyone who shows such tender feelings towards them finds an obsessive friend. The most important thing is the timely recognition of attachment and the prompt fight against excessive need for attention. If this process is started, it will lead to the development of addiction, which, in turn, can drive people crazy.
Take responsibility
In this step, you need to become determined to get rid of your addiction. You must understand that now your fortune and happiness will depend only on you. From now on, you will take deliberate steps to become an independent, self-sufficient person.
People who did not receive enough love in childhood become dependent on others. This doesn't mean your family didn't love you, they just might not have been able to express it in an accessible way. Now you are trying to get this care and love from another person, to become a child again, to merge with your partner. But this is impossible - no one will become your parent and give you love again.
Now you are an adult. And you will learn to give yourself everything you need on your own.
You can leave the relationship or stay in it. In the second case, your partner will either follow your changes and begin to change too, or leave. Because dependence always exists through the efforts of both. And if he becomes uncomfortable around you, he may end the relationship. Accept this opportunity in order to free yourself from attachment.
Signs of love and symptoms of emotional dependence on a person: main differences
I will describe in detail the difference between genuine love attraction and simple attachment to a partner. Only a mature person can love; an infantile person will not be able to show such deep feelings, since she has not yet matured enough to do so. Of course, she is capable of experiencing strong attraction, but this is only proof that she is dependent on a person.
Psychologist Daria Milai
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Every year our body grows up with us, then it begins to age, we cannot change this. However, not all people achieve psychological development, because it implies responsibility for their actions and for their relatives and family. Some people are put off by this and find an easier way.
Even a small child is capable of loving, but such love is consumerist. He respects his parents because they take care of him, educate him, and support him. The baby is very afraid of suddenly losing his mother, since it will be difficult for him to survive without her. If you educate him, not only fulfilling his whims and needs, but also develop him psychologically, explaining unobtrusively how to do the right thing, and what actions it is better to refuse, giving life instructions. He will subsequently move away from his mother and become independent, learn to thank loved ones and notice that his family is living people who must be respected and supported.
To find out if you are dependent on other people, you need to study the differences between love and affection:
- Personal boundaries. Healthy relationships of mature and wise people have the trait that they use the pronoun “we” in family life (“we are planning to go to Spain on vacation”), but the “I” is always preserved. The main sign of emotional attachment between partners is the absence of boundaries. They constantly say “we”, using it in every situation and sentence. They often make decisions for each other, sometimes prohibit their partner from having their own free time, arguing that they need to spend more time together, and use things (a comb, a toothbrush) without asking permission.
- Control. Love is manifested in respect, trust and care for the loved one. Partners do not limit each other’s freedom; they calmly respond to the request of a companion - to go to a bar with friends, or a companion: to go shopping with friends, to go to the movies, to go to their parents for the weekend. Dependence is expressed in constant control of the beloved, as they are haunted by the fear of being abandoned. Such people believe that control provides them with security, so they act as tyrants, dictating their will to their companion.
- Show respect and maintain equality. A truly lover respects and values his soul mate, giving him the right to choose. But the infantile personality does not experience feelings of respect, but only contempt. Such a spouse behaves aggressively, discusses shortcomings behind their back, and makes fun of them. There can be no talk of equality in such relationships.
In what cases is this necessary?
To find out how to get rid of attachment, you need to understand and feel what it is. The feeling can be so strong, but at the same time absolutely invisible, that a person simply does not notice how it changes his life.
Attachment can be considered emotional support from the object of dependence, received in order to improve one’s well-being.
Most often, a woman becomes attached to a man or a guy to a girl, because this person evokes positive emotions and a sense of security in them. But you cannot be attached only to “good” feelings or emotions. It’s easy to become attached to a loved one, tasty but unhealthy food, alcohol, the Internet, even laziness.
Enjoying life is natural. There is no more bad in affection than in love. Suddenly, all attention is concentrated on enjoying the process of communicating with a person, from the awareness that he is nearby. If this feeling suddenly arises, there is no need to scold yourself or try to figure out why this happened. The most important thing is not to let addiction develop.
Affection can come in different forms:
- Normal - an emotional connection arises when meeting a person, but when he leaves, the need disappears.
- Obsessive (neurotic) – if a person is not around, strong emotional experiences arise. The sensations are reminiscent of drug withdrawal, only not on a physical, but on an emotional level.
At first, addiction resembles a habit. It manifests itself after long-term communication, regular meetings, and a feeling of closeness. Habituation develops when experiences are constantly repeated. It is necessary to know how to get rid of attachment to a person, since addiction interferes with emotional peace and deprives one of freedom.
Even between strangers who meet, spend time together or live in the same area, attraction or dependence will arise.
What are the types of addiction called and why does it occur: signs of attachment to a person
The dependent state has its own varieties, their main difference is in the object towards which such obsessive feelings are manifested. An advanced stage of emotional psychological illness leads to suicide and the development of mental illness.
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Love
It is one of the most common types. Its danger is manifested in its consequences. At first, lovers spend a lot of time together, begin to forget about friends, and cannot imagine life without each other. People in healthy relationships do not prohibit their partner from meeting friends and allow them to travel and engage in hobbies. But there are such relationships when family representatives cannot mind their own affairs, but devote all their free time to their beloved.
In most cases, girls and women experience such affection, since for them any avoidance of a meeting, even if there was a good reason, is perceived as:
- he lost interest in me;
- he is dating someone else;
- he decided to break off relations with me;
- he doesn't appreciate me.
The main signs of dependent feelings of a woman and a man:
- relationships are impossible without constant interaction;
- love relationships are a difficult process, but its absence is harder;
- jealous feelings are the norm;
- presence of constant threats of separation.
Attachment and fear complement each other. The addict is tormented by frequent anxiety and negative thoughts, he loses the ability to normally perceive the world around him without his loved one, but he also refuses to acknowledge the developing mental illness. If you find yourself in such a situation, sign up for a consultation with me, I will definitely help you get through this period and describe how to never return to it again.
Friendly
If your friend left for a couple of weeks, a month on vacation, on a business trip, and you start to get bored, because you have no one to discuss your day with and no one to hug. But to distinguish a normal friendship from a dependent one, pay attention to freedom. If two people experience sincere friendly feelings for each other, then they can spend time in the company of other people, without feeling uncomfortable and depressed. However, if everything is the other way around, one of the friends is jealous, does not like to spend time with strangers and gets angry if his friend meets a new friend - he has become a victim of addiction.
Parental
Adults sometimes put a lot of pressure on their child, providing excessive guardianship. From childhood, they begin to control every step of the child and try to prevent mistakes. Time passes, the baby grows up, and parental care increases. If parents show strong attachment, this indicates their reluctance to separate and let the child build his life outside the home where he grew up.
What does overprotection lead to:
- children are not able to make independent decisions;
- do not have the courage to stand up for their loved ones and themselves;
- if a problem arises, be sure to call your mother;
- in any dangerous situation he falls into a state of panic.
Prepare for difficulties
In the process of your renewal, you may break up with the codependent person. In any addiction, there is such a thing as withdrawal syndrome - this is a period when you will feel sadness, loneliness, and fear. It can be bad even on a physical level.
I recommend at this time not to fight your emotions, but to accept them. Treat them consciously. Expect this pain to pass soon. Learn how to cope with feelings of loneliness.
There is also a very useful NLP technique called “Drying Out”, it will help you let a person go. Here is a video with a version for women, this author has a similar one for men:
Stages
To understand how to stop depending on a person and remove addiction from your life forever, you need to study all the stages of its development, then you will know what stage you are at. I will list the main stages of attachment formation:
- Lack of dependent relationships. With equal rights between spouses who value and protect their feelings and are one whole, healthy and harmonious relationships arise.
- The emergence of obsession. If one of the partners uses manipulation, resorts to control, wants to be around every free minute, this indicates the development of attachment, which helps the addict drown out his internal conflicts. This stage is dangerous because the personality begins to degrade: self-esteem decreases, behavior becomes overly emotional, and it becomes more difficult to plan life.
- Problems arising due to relationships. The addicted person gradually stops making contact with close friends, since all his time is focused on his spouse. He also experiences frequent touchiness, jealousy and loses self-control. In addition, such a person fully admits his guilt, but cannot do anything about it and suffers because of his behavior.
- The emergence of difficulties within relationships. The last stage of the disease is characterized by dissatisfaction and a lack of positive emotions, but thoughts of change frighten dependent individuals. Gradually they become indifferent to everything except their attraction to their loved one.
What are the consequences?
What happens if you successfully complete all these stages?
If you stay in a relationship, you will notice that your feelings have changed. It will be easier for you to recognize healthy and unhealthy behavior in your partner. Fear, worries and groundless jealousy will pass. Your space will appear. The fact that another person has his own boundaries will no longer traumatize and frighten you.
It is likely that you will take off your rose-colored glasses and look at your partner differently, and maybe even lose interest in him. This is quite normal, because you have grown and become better able to understand what kind of person next to you really is.
If you have left a relationship, you will now see people as separate, whole individuals, and not as “donors” of resources useful to you.
Test
To find out for sure about your addiction, get tested. Answer the following questions:
- Do you often feel anxious about your relationship?
- Do you have difficulty saying no?
- Are you constantly seeking his approval?
- If he praises you, does your mood improve?
- Do you panic if your partner is not happy with something?
- Can't imagine your life without him?
- Is he not interested in your goals?
If you only have 1-2 positive responses, this means that you are in the early stages of addiction. If there are already three “yes”, you are at the second stage, in order to prevent the development of the disease in a timely manner, sign up for my consultation, I will help you get rid of it. If 4-7 positive answers, you have the last stage of attachment.
Stop tolerating
Dependent people often make certain sacrifices on their part, hoping in this way to earn the recognition of their partner and get what they want from him. This manifests itself even in small things. For example, you hate ironing shirts, but you do it for a man. And if he doesn’t appreciate it or takes it for granted, you get offended and angry. Or you are offered a sexual experiment that frightens or disgusts you, but you agree in the hope of getting special treatment.
It is very important to stop being dependent, stop doing what you hate. Refuse if you do not want to comply with the request. Do not tolerate if there is abuse, humiliation and other unacceptable things in a relationship. Stop making sacrifices.
A little life hack to make things easier: when you feel like you’re tolerating something again, tell yourself: “I made that mistake last time. But this time I won't do that. Now I take care of myself and won’t do anything I don’t like.”
Always remember your intention to get rid of addiction.
