Fear of loneliness: fear of loneliness in women, how to deal with the fear of loneliness

Loneliness. For many it is their own. Some people suffer from this phenomenon in a crowd, while others suffer from the absence of loved ones nearby. One thing is clear - it can drive you crazy and cause fear. What is the fear of loneliness and how to deal with it? We figured it out especially for you.

We are sure that you have often come across the thought: “What am I going to do alone?” Yes, most people often cannot be alone with themselves. Often this condition affects their emotional stability and life in general. The fear of loneliness is especially evident in women. So let's look at this issue in detail.

In psychology, the fear of loneliness is defined as autophobia. It manifests itself in constant restlessness, spiritual emptiness, boredom and anxiety when a person is alone.

However, a person does not have to be lonely. Discomfort arises even from the thought that he is not loved or ignored. Moreover, the disease affects women and men differently.

Fear of loneliness in women

Fear of loneliness affects the emotional state of women. The fear of being alone is not only sometimes upsetting, but also affects the personal life of the fairer sex. As a result, many decide to take rash actions. Namely:

They marry someone they don’t love or have children “before it’s too late.”
They save the family when there is nothing left to save.
They live with scoundrels, gigolos, alcoholics, so as not to be left alone.
They meet the first person who pays attention.
They build their lives around a person.

In principle, this list can go on and on, but here it is important to understand why the fear of loneliness arises and what to do about it.

Is it possible to solve the problem of loneliness?

Not judging yourself for being lonely is an important first step. Blaming and scolding yourself for being lonely is ineffective and wrong, at least from the point of view that such feelings in the absence of significant connections are completely normal. Today's mobile and emotionally charged society may have increased the challenges of forming and maintaining relationships, so accepting that loneliness is part of the human condition can help channel energy toward finding a solution.

Some psychologists suggest that the roots of deep loneliness are associated with a lack of love in early childhood. Sometimes deep loneliness is accompanied by physical differences or mental disorders that lead to discrimination and isolation. Loneliness can also be caused by negative teenage experiences, such as being bullied in school, according to other scientists. Loneliness in childhood appears to be associated with loneliness in adulthood, including increased sensitivity to it.

Unfortunately, there is no one good recipe or path for moving from feeling lonely to feeling satisfied with your social life, but there are general ideas that seem to work. The first step is accepting yourself and how you feel without judgment. The second is contacting a specialist.

Finally, if you are new to the feeling of loneliness, it may be difficult to understand how devastating the experience can be. In this sense, we can all make the world a little better by being kinder to people who are alone - whether it is their conscious choice or not.

Why are we afraid of loneliness

The fear of being alone arises from the beliefs that girls have been fed since childhood.

A woman must get married before the age of 30.
Behind every woman is a successful man.
If a woman is not in a relationship or married, there is something wrong with her.

Whatever one may say, such attitudes of society or family influence the subconscious. Over time, you begin to fear: “Am I going to spend my whole life with cats?” Self-esteem plays an important role here. Often girls don’t like themselves so much that they can’t imagine anyone treating them well, and if such a person appears, they cling to him with all their might.

It's all due to immaturity

One of the reasons for fear is the girl's immaturity. Psychologically, the woman was unable to separate from her mother or father, so she is constantly looking for a person who could replace her parent. What can I say, some are so afraid of being alone that they plunge headlong into relationships and see nothing else around them. When the relationship ends, they cannot return to normal life for a long time, falling into deep depression.

Fear is a relationship destroyer

Most relationships also fail due to the fear of loneliness. A girl who prefers to live and engage in any activity only in those moments when her beloved is nearby, becomes so attached to a man that all love turns into fear - fear of loss.

Men are loners by nature, so they need freedom. When a lady of the heart does nothing and is not interested in anything other than taking care of her boyfriend, it begins to depress even him.

As a result, you start to quarrel with your boyfriend or spouse; it seems to you that he is moving away and spending little time. And he may just live...

Who takes a breakup harder?

Breaking up a relationship with a loved one is always a difficult experience. Especially if it was not you who initiated it... In such a situation, you want to quickly get rid of depressing experiences, forget about lost love and start living again.

What do you think a woman will do for this? That's right: she will invite all her friends to visit, spend the evening talking about treacherous men and the vicissitudes of fate, hear words of support addressed to her and receive a charge of optimism. Having made sure that “she is the best and everything will be fine,” a woman will be able to cope with the breakup more easily and prepare for a new relationship.

For a man who finds himself in a similar situation, events develop according to a different, more complex scenario. He will not show his emotions to others, because, in his opinion, this is a sign of weakness. In the best case scenario, the man will casually mention the breakup with his lover and go to a bar with friends to “celebrate” his newfound freedom. But indifference is only an appearance: deep down, our hero will suffer greatly and have a hard time withstanding the breakup. In addition to internal experiences, men also have an acute social assessment of what is happening: for him, it is humiliating to be abandoned by a woman, and this is a serious blow to self-esteem. He tries to get rid of this problem as quickly as possible, suppressing his feelings and resentment, but in doing so he only prolongs the process and turns it into so-called “chronic grief.” This can lead to a man starting to drink a lot, becoming a womanizer and a misogynist, or, on the contrary, idealizing his ex-lover and remaining faithful to her, thus trying to protect himself from new relationships.

What makes men feel so acutely about a breakup is in many ways too serious claims on themselves sexually. Each representative of the stronger half of humanity has his own list of fears related to the sexual sphere, which are actualized first of all if a woman leaves him. There is a firmly established stereotype in the male mind: no one can leave a good lover. And if this does happen, he will immediately consider himself sexually incompetent. It doesn’t even occur to a man that a woman could have completely different reasons for breaking up - for example, she was not satisfied with his passive life position, addiction to alcohol or infidelity.

I recently read a story on the forum. A man was talking about his breakup with a woman who left him for someone else. However, he mentioned this only in passing: most of the narrative was a very emotional description of the opponent’s shortcomings and his own advantages. This example clearly illustrates another male fear associated with breaking up a relationship - losing to another man, another male. Competitiveness is inherent in the stronger sex; they need to constantly prove their superiority over their rivals in order to maintain a positive image of themselves.

In this situation, a man is upset not so much by the fact of a broken relationship, but by wounded pride and lowered self-esteem. He will not blame himself for not keeping his beloved, but he will condemn his excessive gullibility: he did not notice obvious signs of betrayal, which means he did not have time to leave the deceiver first.

How to overcome the fear of loneliness

When dealing with any fear, you just have to face it. By identifying the cause of your phobia, you can take a fresh look at the situation and reevaluate your experiences. Perhaps the granted loneliness is not a punishment at all, but, on the contrary, a gift of fate. This is freedom that you have the right to use exclusively for your own personal pleasure. To accept and overcome the fear of loneliness, we advise you to try the following.

Assess your importance

Nothing makes us as weak and susceptible as low self-esteem. Of course, you shouldn’t consider yourself better than everyone else. However, it is difficult to perceive life without self-love and respect. This is where the fear of loneliness arises. A person who does not love himself feels uncomfortable alone with himself, as if he is not loved. This is not strange, because in fact he treats himself this way. Re-evaluating your importance will help you get rid of this.

Write down or identify your best and worst qualities. This will help you understand what kind of person you are and what you need. Once you know yourself, your inner world, you will understand your value.
Ask your friends or family what they see in you. Maybe you yourself don’t notice how beautiful you are.
Define for yourself the meaning of the word “loneliness.” Its scale can be interpreted in different ways. Suddenly your situation is not so global. Otherwise, you will know what exactly your fear is and can learn to overcome the emotions it causes.
Do something interesting. Even if you don’t feel like it, still try to entertain yourself. Watch a movie, TV series, go to the cinema, go shopping, have a spa treatment. Do something yourself that will bring you pleasure and energy, rather than looking for it on the side.

Take care of your health

Problems with emotional health make you want to lean on someone's shoulder, get support and help. Nerves can make a woman feel weak and unwell. Men are rarely ready to take on the role of “comforter” or “nurse”. In order to rid yourself of thoughts of loneliness or even uselessness, it is better to get your nerves in order, learn to enjoy little things, and not just be sad. Yoga, gymnastics, breathing practices, herbal medicine and other sports will help with this.

Convinced bachelors

When constructing an impromptu classification of male loneliness, it is impossible to bypass this, albeit small, category. There is, after all, such a character type. They are completely consciously lonely, they really don’t need anyone, and they have everything figured out, including the classic question of who will give them a glass of water in old age. They save for old age and insure it in every possible way. Don't worry about who will serve them this glass.

Many of them tried more than once to live a family life or a semblance of a family life, and each time loneliness turned out to be the lesser evil for them. And they, as a rule, are not biryuks at all. On the contrary, they are often sociable and charming people, the life of the party. But they are lonely by nature.

This is such a special kind of “people”. There are very few of them, just a few, but they still occur.

How to live alone as a woman with children after divorce

Divorce is especially difficult for couples who will still have to communicate after the official dissolution of the marriage. For example, due to the fact that they have children together. And although personal relationships have ended, the children continue to be common. Therefore, the former spouses will have to take care together of what they will eat and what they will wear.

If the reason for the divorce was not increased cruelty on the part of the husband, then the mother should not be a hero and pull the children on her own. It is believed that difficulties strengthen. But not if you take on all the troubles associated with children.

Therefore, mothers with children after a divorce should adhere to the following rules:

Do not interfere with the father's attempts to communicate with the child.
Accept any help from your ex-husband’s parents and other relatives.
Do not sort things out with your ex-husband when he is communicating with the children.
Keep personal interactions to a minimum.
Do not discuss his father’s behavior with your child, do not talk badly about your ex-husband or have a negative attitude towards the child.
Avoid comparing children with your ex-husband.

During a divorce, it is just as difficult for the child as it is for the parents, so they need help too. You need to spend more time with them and pay attention. And if you feel coldness and detachment in a relationship, it is better to involve a psychologist.

Male loneliness after divorce

Usually men in relationships are less emotional. This is primarily caused by upbringing and stereotypes in society. Every man heard in childhood: Don't act like a girl. Therefore, in a difficult situation, he does not know how to properly cope with surging emotions and survive this negativity. Therefore, in the event of a divorce, a man not only suffers, he does not know how to cope with it.

Most often, after a divorce, a man strives to get what he was deprived of in marriage: female attention. It is important for him to prove to himself that he can still be attractive to the opposite sex. This is a kind of attempt to escape from the fear of loneliness. In order not to think about failure in the family, a man prefers noisy companies and female society.

At the same time, he is not currently seeking a new long-term relationship. Moreover, he tries to avoid them. The pain of divorce has not yet subsided, so it is difficult to let a new person into your life.

After a divorce, a man is more drawn to people. But this does not save him from inner loneliness. You should not ignore this problem; it is better to work through your fears. But as practice shows, men after a divorce extremely rarely turn to psychologists or resort to other qualified help.

Most often, in order to solve his psychological problems after a divorce, a man enters into a new long-term relationship after a few years.

Self-therapy (several recommendations)

To alleviate the fear of loneliness, you need to do several exercises from the “Guide to Changing Yourself”

I also recommend that you start drawing your negative state on paper. It could be circles, triangles or something very unimaginable. Draw how you feel and it doesn’t have to be meaningful. Just give in to the impulse of your soul.

I also recommend starting to dance your state. Just move as you move and you will start to get what you get. Further, the condition will improve, and accordingly the dance will begin to change. Dance as you feel.

The third simple technique is called square breathing. Start breathing like a square. Inhale for 3-7 seconds, then pause for 3-7 seconds, exhale for 3-7 seconds, pause for 3-7 seconds. The main thing is that the time periods are the same, for example, 5 seconds.

Do this exercise for 10-15 minutes and it will help you cope with any negative state.

Diagnosis of a phobia

How to understand whether the fear of loneliness that periodically visits every normal person has developed into a phobia requiring treatment?

One of the symptoms is inexplicable anxiety that occurs when you have to spend several weekends or even one evening without communication. The autophobe tries to avoid such situations and plan his time so that he is not without company for a long time. He may ask to visit a friend for the fifth time in a week, annoy him with calls to acquaintances - just to find someone to talk to.

A clear sign is panic attacks that occur as a result of quite ordinary situations: separation from family for several days, unavailability of a subscriber, or an unanswered SMS message.

Feeling of uselessness. Persons suffering from isophobia harass their friends and loved ones, demanding constant confirmation of their love and eternal friendship. Despite all the assurances from relatives of the sincerity of their feelings, the neurotic’s doubts do not go away.

The autophobe remains suspicious. He expects that sooner or later his family will turn away from him, abandon him, and diligently finds confirmation of this - “he looked at him coldly,” “he answered indifferently,” “she refused to meet with me last week.” In extreme cases, in an attempt to keep his other half, an autophobe may resort to blackmail and threaten physical harm or suicide in case they try to leave him.

The fear of unbearable loneliness pushes single men and women into unhealthy relationships. Autophobes may be promiscuous in sexual and romantic relationships. They are ready to date the first person they meet who finds them attractive, and if they break up, they rush into a new relationship without hesitation. They cannot leave their partner, even if he behaves dishonestly. They forgive him any insults, just so as not to be left alone.

The fear of loneliness is directly related to chemical and behavioral addictions. In an attempt to cope with anxiety, an autophobe resorts to alcohol, food, and smoking. The fear of loneliness can be hidden behind computer and gaming addiction, workaholism, and the habit of spending hours on social networks. The problem is aggravated by the fact that the true cause of the addiction is repressed, and the autophobe and those around him do not understand that with his destructive behavior he is simply trying to fill the inner emptiness.

If you don't want to get rid of loneliness...

So, you don't want to struggle with loneliness, but, nevertheless, you want to live in harmony with yourself.

I remember the advice of the broker performed by Vladimir Basov from the film “For Family Circumstances”: get a dog.

Indeed, get a pet with whom you will not be lonely, for whom you can take care, and for whom you will be the only light in the window. After all, a pet is a responsibility, and any responsibility brings discipline. Discipline in conditions where no one is looking after you will come in handy.
Play sports. It's a fun activity if you get into it. Sports tend to occupy everyone's thoughts. It will be a pleasure to look at you. Non-professional sports, unlike professional ones, are good for health. By exercising you will prolong your life, move away the state of helplessness and expand your social circle. It’s rare that anyone engages in physical exercise in splendid isolation, much less playing sports. It’s better to choose not general physical education, but a sport that you really like and that you will strive to practice.
Well, what I already mentioned above: favorite pastime, hobby, hobby. Do something for your soul. The same philately, numismatics or amateur radio - a whole world that is quite capable of replacing many things in your life. Maybe you had a knack for drawing as a child? Or to music? It's never too late to develop. Become a passionate fisherman or mushroom picker. In short, you have a whole alternative universe in front of you, which is not a sin to master.

As you can see, at first glance it is obvious that you can get rid of loneliness on your own and quite effectively. But to study and understand yourself more deeply, avoid pitfalls and even, don’t let this word scare you, dangers, and find your optimal one and, perhaps - it’s not harmful to dream - working with a professional will help you find the ideal option. That’s why he’s a professional, having studied psychology at university for six years, and every day helping people overcome their loneliness.