Rossana Snee
Family psychologist.
When we finally meet our person and marry our “one” or “one,” it seems to us that mutual understanding will last forever. No more lonely nights, we found each other! Unfortunately, this is not always the case.
Loneliness in marriage is experienced by millions of couples around the world. Suddenly one of the spouses feels abandoned, and more often this feeling is born in women. Perhaps the connection weakens over time, or the partners practically stop talking, but begin to argue and quarrel a lot.
The emotional coldness of your spouse is not a death sentence for your love
Dear Maria, starting a conversation about the problem of emotional loneliness in a magazine that is read by thousands of people, I must immediately make an important disclaimer.
Two people can help you in this situation. The first (and I tell you this as a believer to a believer) is a priest. The second (and I say this as a graduate of the Faculty of Psychology) is a psychologist. Only after face-to-face communication not only with you, but also with your spouse, will they help you understand in detail all the circumstances of the current situation. And of course, we should always remember that asking for help from other people is not an alternative to God’s help, which we all constantly ask from the Lord in all our troubles and problems.
I deeply understand your experiences, but I still ask you not to consider this article as some kind of direct answer or recommendation.
Your story is private, and it needs to be understood, as I already said, separately and not “in public.” But the manifestation of the emotional coldness you mentioned in one form or another is actually encountered by many, many married couples at different stages of their lives together. The reasons for this can be very different. We will look at some of the most common of them here and try to find out what spouses who want to save their marriage should do in such cases.
Thesis one:
What to do if you feel lonely in your marriage
This feeling is not necessarily a sign that it is time to end the relationship. There are several ways to correct the situation and establish contact with your partner.
Go on dates every week
When you try to regularly devote time to each other and go to a concert, exhibition or just to a cafe, there is no room left for loneliness in family life. Weekly dates will not only help you share news and keep in touch, but it will also become an enjoyable tradition that you will look forward to every time together.
Talk
Most misunderstandings usually arise due to poor communication or lack of communication. Partners lose touch because they stop communicating - everyone goes about their own lives, hoping that the situation will resolve itself. Spoiler: it doesn't happen.
You need to take the first step yourself, start a difficult conversation and honestly share your experiences. And more than once. Regular communication is the key to a healthy relationship.
According to marriage and family therapist Marnie Feuerman, communication helps strengthen relationships and creates the intimacy and trust that many crave in marriage. It is important to share with your partner the main successes and failures of the week. You can talk about anything: unrelated topics or things that are interesting and close to only the two of you.
Remember the past
One Valentine's Day, my husband decided to reminisce. He packed a picnic and took me to the park where we met. We had lunch and reminisced about the past. And then we drove past the high-rise building with our first apartment and a couple of other places that are connected with our love story. It was an amazing day. We talked about what a great time we had then and how we grew in this relationship.
A walk through places that are memorable for your couple can bring back the lost spark to the relationship and even relieve the feeling of loneliness. This will help us find connection again with each other and with the love that arose in those parts.
If you can't go there in person, look at old photos and discuss your fondest memories together.
Don't forget about the little things
When we think about how to improve our marriage, grand gestures often come to mind. In fact, everything is much simpler. Even pleasant little things, if done regularly, can revive a union.
Make your loved one coffee in the morning, make the bed, pour water into the bottle that he always carries with him to work. Such small acts of caring demonstrate love and respect. Gradually, your partner will notice these gestures and begin to please you in the same way.
Find a hobby together
When partners start doing something together, the feeling of loneliness recedes. Try to choose a hobby that you both enjoy. Maybe you'll enjoy doing large, complex puzzles, playing board games in the evenings, or riding your bikes in the park on the weekends. Even watching and discussing a new series together will strengthen your connection, and therefore your marriage.
The reason for isolation may be not only the fear of experiencing pain, but also a special type of narcissism
Another version of emotional insensitivity is described in the ancient myth of Narcissus. This hero once saw his reflection in the water and fell in love with it so much that he could not take his eyes off his own beauty. As a result, he died of hunger, and at the site of his inglorious death a flower grew, which was later named after him.
In everyday life, the image of a “narcissist” often means a sleek, handsome man who loves to twirl in front of the mirror, demonstrate his outstanding qualities to others and is quite pleased with himself. At the same time, for some reason, the fact is ignored that for Narcissus from the myth, his obsession with himself did not bring any joy. On the contrary, she forever cut him off, first from the world around him, and subsequently from life itself.
In psychology, the narcissistic personality type is the constant internal duality of a person between opposite poles - a sense of one’s own grandiosity and a feeling of one’s own insignificance.
Photo by Ivan Kashirin
What makes a narcissist imagine himself great is fear of the thought of his own ordinariness and shame for his lack of greatness. The reason for this sense of self is also childhood trauma, when emotionally cold parents ignored the child’s successes and achievements, did not rejoice at his small victories, but on occasion used his abilities to improve their own status. For example, they put him on a chair in front of the guests and forced him to read poetry, sing or play the violin.
As a result, such a child developed the belief that he can only be loved for his outstanding achievements. And he created in the depths of his soul the image of a certain “double” - grandiose, brilliant and superior in all respects to the ordinary people around him. Moreover, often this image can be based on his very real talents and merits, but in isolation from the rest of his personality, which he himself considers weak and insignificant.
The tragedy of a narcissist’s life lies in the replacement of his own integrity with this artificial “double”, which expresses only his strong part. The narcissist also really wants to be loved. But he believes that being like everyone else is shameful and unworthy of love. Therefore, he is very afraid to enter into close and trusting relationships. After all, anyone who comes too close to him can see his ordinariness. And for a narcissist, this is the worst thing that can happen to him.
Such people are very different in their behavior. Along with enchanting and bright egocentrics who love to be in the focus of everyone's attention, narcissists can also be withdrawn, experiencing their “grandiosity” exclusively in the depths of their own souls. And the closer another person gets to him, the greater the danger of “exposure” seems to the narcissist.
Then, in order not to feel the pain of shame for his own ordinaryness, he shows anticipatory rejection - he rejects others first, without waiting for such a terrifying outcome. A narcissist may claim that he doesn’t need anyone, devalue relationships, hide from loved ones behind a mask of cynicism or misunderstanding. But in fact, behind this external self-sufficiency lies enormous loneliness and desire for love.
Thesis four:
Long separation
When our partner is away for a long time, we may feel lonely, and this is quite normal. Very often, such emotions manifest themselves in people whose careers involve business trips or shift work.
To support your partner during a long separation, you need to show your love more often. For example, call or send encouraging messages with a touching text. The way you and your partner communicate via text can reveal a lot about your relationship.
If you have the opportunity to “see each other” via video call, be sure to use it - such communication better allows you to express emotions. And if you are forced to spend the holidays away from each other, use delivery services so as not to leave your other half without a gift.
Seemingly indifferent adults can grow out of babies who were once very frightened
Not far from the Museum of Cosmonautics in Moscow there is a monument to Tsiolkovsky, who, as we know, became the founder of this very cosmonautics. Here Konstantin Eduardovich looks like a funny eccentric who sits on the grass and looks dreamily into the sky. Such a monument most accurately conveys the essence of this amazing person. Tsiolkovsky was a scientist who looked at the world through the eyes of a poet and artist. And no other person would have been able to discern the future starships in the hissing firecrackers. At that time, cars were just learning to drive, steamships were learning to sail, and airplanes were just learning to fly. However, Tsiolkovsky believed that someday people would create a completely different technology - rockets, with the help of which they would be able to escape beyond the Earth. As we now see, he was right.
But every coin has a downside. In his autobiography, Tsiolkovsky writes about his wife: “...It was time to get married, and I married her without love, hoping that such a wife would not twist me around, would work and would not stop me from doing the same. That hope was fully justified. Such a friend could not drain my strength either: firstly, she did not attract me, and secondly, she herself was indifferent and impassive. ...Was it good: married life without love? Is respect enough in a marriage? For those who have given themselves to higher goals, this is good. But he sacrifices his happiness and even the happiness of his family.”
This confession very convincingly demonstrates the emotional coldness of people with a schizoid personality type. It is immediately necessary to clarify that this is not a psychiatric diagnosis, but simply some feature that in itself does not in any way characterize a person’s mental health. People of this type often become scientists, artists, and writers. It is among them that geniuses like Tsiolkovsky are found, through whose efforts culture develops and civilization moves forward. However, the price for the richness of the inner world for schizoids is emotional restraint, the inability to clearly express their feelings.
The reason for this imbalance in development is again childhood trauma of a threat to life or loss of a sense of security. For Tsiolkovsky, such an injury was severe scarlet fever, from which he almost died at the age of ten. The deafness that developed as a result of complications cut the boy off forever from the world of sounds, and at the same time from studying at school, full-fledged communication, and playing with peers. From now on, all the forces of his soul were concentrated on the inner world of his own ideas, fantasies, and reflections. Communication and expression of one's feelings took a back seat.
However, a traumatic situation can arise even before the birth of a child, during the prenatal period. For example, if the pregnancy was unwanted and the mother was wondering whether to have an abortion, or the father demanded to get rid of the child, or there were simply loud quarrels with scandals in the family.
Naturally, the baby in the womb is not able to understand the meaning of what is happening, and during this period he still has nothing to understand. But he is a living being, closely connected with his mother by common metabolism. Accordingly, all the stress hormones that the mother experiences are transmitted to the baby. He does not yet understand that he can be killed, but he already quite realistically feels a threat to his life.
What does a living creature do when it senses danger from which it is unable to defend itself or escape? In such a situation, all living things usually freeze, trying to attract attention to themselves as little as possible. The body itself suddenly becomes your enemy, you want it to take up as little space as possible or disappear altogether. People who have been under fire at least once during hostilities know this well. And if such a traumatic experience was received by the baby even before birth, with a high degree of probability it can be assumed that its further development will occur according to the schizoid type. Science today does not provide an exact explanation for this dependence; it is only a theoretical model. But among practicing psychologists it does not raise any objections: each of them had many clients of the schizoid type who, as it later turned out, were unwanted children in their family.
For such people, the content of their inner world is much more important than the events happening in the world around them. They perceive their own body not as a part of their personality, but as an annoying burden that prevents a pure mind from cognizing the secrets of existence, thinking, and creating. That fear of death, which once forced them to shrink and pretend to be dead, continues to operate in them on an unconscious level.
Such people, as a rule, have poor contact with their body; they do not like it and care little about it. And since emotions act in the body and through the body, people of the schizoid type also have big problems in this area. Schizoids are poor comforters and insensitive listeners. It is difficult for them to have compassion for others or to be happy for someone, but not at all because they are heartless egoists. It’s just that their body is not accustomed to responding to feelings. Such people often do not know how to cry and be moved, are not able to easily start and maintain a friendly conversation, joyful laughter is almost unknown to them, and even an ordinary smile requires conscious effort. Therefore, it is not surprising that communicating with them can hurt loved ones. Especially if these loved ones themselves do not belong to the schizoid type and cannot understand the reason for the apparent coldness of these talented grown-up children, who were once frozen with fear for their lives and were never able to get out of their emotional stupor.
Thesis five:
Long breaks or lack of intimacy
Proximity plays a big role in establishing and maintaining a connection. When you live in the same house but are not physically together, it increases feelings of loneliness.
It is important to discuss why this happens. Don't jump to conclusions that he no longer loves you or that you no longer seem attractive.
Often the reason for the lack of sex can be fatigue due to a busy work schedule, or taking medications that reduce libido. Many couples turn to a sexologist or psychologist if they want to improve their intimate life.
And if the reason really lies in the fact that your partner has “burned out” towards you, think about whether it’s worth continuing the relationship.
The fact that a person is unable to express his feelings does not always mean that he does not experience them
There is an old joke about a couple in love. The girl asks her boyfriend:
- Tell me some kind word.
- Sweatshirt.
- Well, what are you like... And is it even warmer?
He, after thinking, says:
- Two sweatshirts.
This parable very accurately conveys a symptom of another emotional disorder - alexity. Literally, this term means “there are no words for feelings.” We can say that alexithymia is an emotional muteness in which a person is unable to verbally express the feelings that he is experiencing. For him there is no connection between certain emotional states (which he, of course, experiences) and such words as “grief”, “joy”, “anger”, “sadness”, “delight”, “pity”, as well as all other verbal descriptions of the huge palette of human feelings.
Not being able to express his experiences in words, such a person is very poor at recognizing other people’s emotions, because where there are no words, dialogue is impossible.
As a result, he either has to do without expressing feelings at all, or he invents his own language for them, which usually comes down to describing bodily sensations like “presses,” “burns,” “warm,” “cold,” or the already mentioned “sweatshirt.” from a joke.
Alexithymics have very poor imagination, and, unlike talented schizoids, they are almost incapable of artistic creativity. However, at the level of communication with close people, these two very different personality types show surprising similarities, although for different reasons.
People with alexithymia are practically unable to experience empathy: it is very difficult for them to empathize with others, to be sympathetic and sympathetic interlocutors. But they are not soulless egoists or insensitive blockheads. It’s just that people with such a disorder sincerely do not understand how all this can happen, what “muscle” they need to strain in order to become “correct”. Therefore, it is easier for them to avoid communication or get off with cliched phrases. Moreover, the intelligence of such a person can be very high.
It must be said that this is not some rare exotic. Studies have shown that approximately 20% of our contemporaries have manifestations of alexithymia to a greater or lesser extent.
Moreover, due to traditional restrictions on emotional reactions in men - “boys don’t cry” - their level of alexithymia is higher than in women.
Thesis six:
The script for relationships is laid down in childhood
We worked with the client for a long time, and found out that the roots of unsuccessful relationships with chosen ones go back to the distant past - to childhood. where a woman, as a little girl, observed her parents’ relationship. It often happened that they argued, and the mother sought solace in the company of her daughter. But after a while the parents, as expected, made peace. And mother transferred her attention, tenderness, energy to father.
In the moments when the mother did not communicate with the father and gave all her love to her daughter, she felt needed and important in the life of the parent. When mom and dad made peace, the girl felt betrayed and abandoned.
Therefore, having matured, he attracted partners with whom she experienced similar feelings - at first she bathed in love, affection, attention; after some time, the partner moved away from her, although he was still physically close. When she was abandoned, she tried to regain her favor, but her efforts were in vain.
And now, in the last relationship, she is again covered by an unconscious relationship pattern. The husband began to pay more attention to entertainment, and his wife became less attractive to him.
I described this personal story of a real relationship with one purpose - to show that the problem is not in the inconstancy of a man, but in the internal, unconscious state of a woman.
Lack of warmth and care
When the “candy-bouquet” period passes, we express our feelings a little more restrained. If this makes you feel lonely, talk to your partner about what you're missing.
But if coldness and aloofness suddenly appear in a relationship and you notice that your partner often behaves as if he frankly doesn’t care, you need to look for deeper reasons for this behavior. Analyze why this happens: perhaps you often quarrel, and your partner harbors resentment against you, or he does everything to end the relationship, but does not want to be the initiator of the breakup. Ask him honest and open questions that will lead to specific decisions and answers.
