When starting a family, each spouse believes in a long and happy married life and discards any hint that something might go wrong. But a crisis in family relationships is an integral part of living together, which, under favorable conditions, helps to move to a new level of relationships. And for this to work, you need to carefully study each other, be able to share painful things and know how to behave when one of the spouses is experiencing personal age-related changes or other stages of family life.
Causes of conflicts in the family
Family conflicts are an integral element of family life. Two people cannot live together and never have conflicts.
IMPORTANT: But it’s one thing when conflicts are quite rare and quickly resolved. But protracted or completely hidden conflicts are a serious and dangerous matter for the family.
If you are faced with conflicts with your husband/wife, then try to find the reasons for their occurrence:
- Unpreparedness for family life. It appears when a couple got married hastily or under the influence of circumstances (pregnancy is the most common unforeseen circumstance). The situation leads to the fact that people are simply not ready to put up with each other’s shortcomings or are not at all ready to limit themselves to certain family responsibilities (more often it arises due to age, in simple terms “they haven’t had enough time”). If there is no strong love, then any little things in your partner and family life will irritate you. The result is conflict
- The concept of family formed since childhood. If one of the spouses grew up in a family in which quarrels and conflicts were frequent, then the likelihood of the same problems in his family is high. A person is given a certain model of behavior from childhood. Having created his family, he continues to act according to this model
The cause of conflicts in the family: repeating the mistakes of parents
- High/low self-esteem of one of the partners. Inflated self-esteem does not allow one of the spouses to admit their guilt, leading to constant blaming of the partner. And low self-esteem leads either to your partner’s disrespect for you (he begins to allow himself too much), or to constant attempts to assert himself
- Desire for power . When one of the partners tries with all his might to be in charge and manage all family issues. As a rule, the second spouse sooner or later gets tired of being a puppet and demands respect for his opinion. But often it is too late, because the other half will have strong confidence in its supremacy
- Accepting the blame . As soon as you start saying “I’m to blame” in any situation, your partner will become bored. This way, of course, you will avoid some conflicts, but you will incur another conflict - lack of interest and desire
Cause of conflict: accepting blame
- Lack of interest and desire . Sometimes it is a consequence of a previous cause. And sometimes it appears when one spouse wants something together, but the other does not. As a rule, the wife wants to walk together in the park every evening, and the husband wants to either sit in front of the TV or go to friends
- Revenge. Once you start taking revenge on your partner, you start ruining your peaceful life. Revenge will never solve the previous conflict, but it will create a new one
- I'm always right. A spouse can take such a position, but it will most likely end in insults to the other half. There is no person in the world who is always right
Conflict in the family due to character
- Hot temper . When offended, a woman or man may become angry and aggressive. Don't let this happen. If you feel like shouting your point, do the following. Within 30 seconds, the partner calmly and without humiliation speaks his point of view. At the same time, the one who listens should not interrupt and behave only openly and good-naturedly. For the next 30 seconds, the listener retells the essence of the complaint in the same calm tone. Then you change places. This exercise will allow you not to offend each other with angry words and listen to everyone’s opinion
- Selfishness . The selfishness of one of the partners sooner or later leads to resentment on the part of the other. Every person wants to be respected and appreciated. Living with an egoist is difficult. And the saddest thing is that it is even more difficult to rehabilitate an egoist
- Reluctance to help with housework. Many men may say that housekeeping is a woman's business. For the most part, yes, but, firstly, men also have their own responsibilities, and secondly, sometimes you can replace your wife in her household chores and give her a rest. Otherwise, instead of your once passionate wife, you will find a sad housewife at home.
Family conflict due to wife's fatigue
- Different concepts about the responsibilities of husband and wife . This issue should be discussed at the beginning of family life. It may take you a lot of time to understand everyone’s thoughts on this issue, during which time you will already have time to ruin your relationship
- Different temperaments . The sanguine person will continually try to pull the phlegmatic person out of the cozy home chair. Against the background of resistance to desires, conflicts will arise
- Financial situation . If your financial situation is for a long time lower than what you would like. Every now and then you will look for the cause of material difficulties. And this will lead to someone being to blame
Family quarrels over money
- Sexual dissatisfaction . Men have a simpler attitude towards intimacy, and they have problems with libido much less often. This is how rare sex becomes the cause of conflicts. If the quality of sex does not suit one partner all the time, then a conflict will also brew sooner or later. At best, you will resort to measures to meet each other's needs. In the worst case scenario, one of you will go looking for sexual pleasure on the side
- Bad habits. Smoking by one of the partners will sooner or later provoke the second into conflict. The love of alcohol outside of home celebrations will also sooner or later become a cause of family troubles
- Children. Different views on raising a child or a spouse’s reluctance to help his wife with a small child lead to frequent and unresolved conflicts
Conflict over raising children
Common problems in modern marriages and couples
Family relationships have changed over the past few decades. Together with them, the scope of what is permitted has undergone changes, restrictions have been erased, and the rules of behavior between spouses have become a thing of the past. Young people have more options for building their personal lives. They are not too afraid of divorce a year or several years after the wedding. And children are no longer a “slower”, as they used to be in traditional families.
What problems most often lead to crises?
Unstructured communications
Often the problem in communication is not an inability to understand another point of view, but an unwillingness to accept that others have a right to have their own opinion. In many relationships, people focus on defending their vision without being too interested in what their partner thinks.
Unresolved past problems
Obviously, a person who grew up in a conflict environment will react to disagreements differently than a person who grew up in a calm family. Moreover, conflicting partners often formulate a strategy for their own family relationships. Communication in such families usually does not lead to the development of reasonable decisions.
Unfulfilled Expectations
One of the saddest things about couples' problems is the emergence of disappointment due to unfulfilled expectations that partners had for each other and for the relationship. We often know what we want. However, our partner does not always understand our needs. The most unpleasant situation arises when we ourselves do not know well the nature of our expectations, but we expect our partner to guess them and realize them.
Sex and intimacy
Problems with sex are one of the most common problems in a partnership or marriage. Problems in this area can also be a signal of disturbances in other areas of the relationship. If hostility and insecurity dominate daily interactions, it is difficult to expect a successful sex life.
Resentment
Resentment kills relationships. The turning point in therapy for family problems is the discovery of unconscious or unspoken regrets and grievances. Each partner becomes responsible for determining their role in the emergence of these emotions, as well as for the actions that they must take to change the situation and overcome the crisis.
Infidelity
This is the most common reason for loss of trust and sense of security. Cheating is considered a peculiar consequence of problems in relationships. Happy and satisfied partners rarely look for satisfaction in other relationships. Betrayal is intended to improve well-being or get rid of problems in the family.
The above-mentioned problems have dominated in recent years and are becoming increasingly universal. But each of them has potential that can be used to restore relationships.
If you notice that something important is missing in your relationship, think about what you yourself bring to it? Feelings of dissatisfaction and disappointment are certainly not conducive to achieving the best results. And investing our energy in relationships gives us a chance to heal them and improve their quality.
First crisis of family life
- More often, such a crisis comes to couples who met little before marriage, or couples under 22 years old, or who married out of necessity
- You don't know all of each other's cockroaches yet
- At first, you will compare your family life with the one in which you grew up.
- And you will either agree to live like this or you won’t.
- Often you will hear phrases like “my parents did this” from each other.
- Dating a person (walking together, having fun) and living together are two different things
- You will encounter each other's everyday habits: reluctance to wash the dishes after yourself, reluctance to help with housework, reluctance to keep clean
- Plus, you will have to maintain a general budget. And your opinions regarding costs may also differ
How to survive :
- Establish routines immediately
- Discuss how each of you sees life together. Find a general solution. Decide whether you will look back on your parents' family
- Don't be silent if you don't like something. This doesn't mean you should get drunk on each other whenever the opportunity arises. You must explain to your partner the essence of the complaint in a calm tone. Otherwise, after a while, when you get tired of enduring it, your partner will not understand your nagging. After all, before this you were “suited to it”
- Designate a place for parenting councils
First crisis of family life
What to read on the topic - recommendations
A crisis in a relationship can affect even those who were inseparable until recently. These books will help you better understand your partner and his needs:
John Gray "Men are from Mars, women are from Venus"
What prevents us from creating strong relationships and how to fix what seems irreparable? The author, a German psychotherapist and journalist, explains the nature of our emotionality. A refreshing and educational experience.
Geri Chapman "The Five Love Languages"
One of the most popular and recommended reference books for married couples. It is based on the assertion that husband and wife do not use a common language of love, which is why they often do not understand each other's needs and expectations and, as a result, cannot meet them.
John Goth
Professional guidance based on scientific psychological research and the author's observations over several years. The result is a book that sets forth principles that guarantee a successful marriage.
Dean Delis and Cassandra Phillips "The Paradox of Passion"
The authors, famous psychologists, suggest checking whether there is passion in your relationship and help you deal with the fading of feelings.
Conflicts in a young family
Conflicts in a young family arise for reasons that have already been discussed above: during the first crisis of family life and the crisis of 3-5 years.
Additionally, you can only add:
- In a young family, the spouses are full of ambition. And sometimes your other half's requests to change habits or hobbies can affect your ego
- Of course, some changes still have to occur when a family is born. But don't let your partner completely change you.
- In young families, you are more likely to hear offensive words. This is all connected with the same affected ego and inexperience
- To avoid conflicts, follow the tips below
Conflict in a young family
Concept
In simple terms, a crisis period is a revolutionary life cycle in a family, provoked by the reluctance of partners to live the way they lived before .
In history, all revolutions ended with a transition to another level, the introduction of new foundations and social rules.
In a family, as a rule, there are 2 options for ending it: maintaining the relationship and divorce.
In connection with crises, a completely natural question arises: why are they needed? Like age-related crises, family ones contribute to development (in this case, relationships). This is an opportunity to get to know each other better, understand your partner, and strengthen your feelings.
It is worth noting that crises also occur in relationships before marriage. But they have some differences from family ones. The main thing is that before marriage, crisis periods are predominantly cyclical, that is, they come in any case, and after the start of life together they are mainly situational. This means that in addition to crises over the years, there are those associated with certain circumstances, for example, the birth of children.
How to avoid quarrels and conflicts in the family?
IMPORTANT: You will not be able to completely avoid quarrels and conflicts. However, you can reduce their number or make them more effective.
- Communicate . Never hush up a grudge. This does not mean that you should constantly point out your partner's shortcomings. If you feel a strained relationship or your partner has seriously offended you, talk. But conversations must be correct, according to the three principles below
- No insults . Insults will never lead to resolution of the conflict. Even if you want to call your partner a bad word in connection with his bad action, remain silent. Say “what you did was very ugly,” but don’t say “you’re an asshole, etc.”
- Listen to each other . Even if you consider yourself the injured party, listen to your opponent’s position. It may well be that you did not notice something in your behavior. Be sure to listen fully to how your partner explains his behavior. Once you find the cause, you can eliminate it
Conversation to avoid conflict
- Compromise. Without compromising, you risk not returning to the old happy times. Be prepared that if your partner demands to behave differently, you may receive a response demand. Agree. This is the only way to improve your relationship
- Personal space. You are people. You may be tired of everyday work. You want to relax and unwind. Each spouse should have a place of privacy in the home. If you have a small child, then agree on the order of privacy for each of you: today mom is with her child, and dad is sitting at his favorite computer game; tomorrow dad is with the child, and mom is calmly taking a bath and making face masks. Without personal time and space, you will begin to run away from home in search of that very personal relaxation
- Praise each other. Often spouses end up hearing only reproaches: “dinner wasn’t a success,” “what kind of hair do you have today,” “you didn’t change the light bulb.” Stop blaming when something doesn't work out. Praise when something worked out: “what a delicious lunch today”, “you’re so great, I didn’t even notice when you managed to fix the tap”, “you look good”
Avoiding Conflict
- Say nice things. Remember the candy-bouquet period of your relationship. It was nice to hear “I love you”, “Come quickly, I missed you”, I love your jokes.” You didn't just end up together. You are united by mutual feelings, so keep their fire alive
- Smile. It is clear that sometimes after a working day you want to relax, but your mood desires better. When you come home, say: “Darling, I’m so tired, it’s good that you’re with me.” Then hug your spouse and smile. You'll see, such actions will return your relationship to its former tenderness.
- Farewell. No matter how hard you try to avoid quarrels, they can still happen sometimes. If the quarrel is clearly the fault of one of the spouses, forgive me. Of course, there is a limit to everything. But if the spouse’s guilt is not very terrible, then forgive. Maybe not right away, but sorry. But provided that your spouse sincerely asks for it
Apologies to avoid conflict
- Don't remember past grievances. If you have forgiven your loved one for his action, then erase this action from your memory. Stop collecting in your head all the mistakes of your spouse. Otherwise, at every opportunity you will begin to reproach for what you have already been asked to forgive. Firstly, it will only increase the scale of each subsequent conflict. Secondly, the guilty party will not see the point in apologizing in the future.
- Respect each other's hobbies. If your partner has a favorite hobby, then instead of saying that it’s useless, praise how good he is at it: whether it’s tennis, trinkets, or a computer game.
- Remember that both are to blame for the conflict. Do you consider your half to be the culprits of all the troubles? Listen to the other side and find out where you are to blame
- Remember who you are to each other. When another quarrel or conflict approaches, think: can you live without this person? If not, then tone down the negativity and follow the tips above.
Preserving the Family
Help from psychologists in conflict resolution
- Once again, carefully study the tips above. Try it this way
- If the advice did not help you improve your relationship, then contact a family psychologist
- General advice alone will not be enough when the conflict has already dragged on and includes many other conflicts. It is already difficult for spouses to figure out where and who was wrong
- Often only one of the spouses agrees to see a psychologist. Convince the other person about the need to visit him to save the family
- For some more advice from psychologists, watch the video below.
Help from psychologists in conflict resolution
Ways to overcome
Surviving a crisis period is not easy, but, fortunately, it is possible. Psychologists recommend following a number of simple tips :
- Do not try to shift responsibility for what is happening to your partner. In most cases, both spouses are to blame for problems. Therefore, first of all, you should look at yourself.
- Make surprises. Signs of attention lift your spirits like nothing else in difficult times. You don't have to buy an expensive gift. The main thing is to show that the person is still needed.
- Show gratitude. It is important to say “thank you” for everything your partner does. And this must be done sincerely, with all my heart.
- Defuse the situation, take a break. Why not, for example, look at general photos. They will help you remember the moments when everything was fine in the family, when love and mutual understanding reigned between the spouses.
- Don't forget about sex. Intimacy is one of the building blocks on which strong relationships are built.
Finally, we can say about a positive attitude. It is important to maintain joy despite any difficulties. Believing in the good will help you cope with all of them.
