Crises of family life: which years occur and how to overcome them

All couples standing on the threshold of the registry office hope for a long and happy marriage and are confident that betrayal, quarrels, and especially divorce will not affect them. However, the cruel statistics are inexorable: in Russia in 2017, 1 million marriages were officially registered, and more than 600 thousand broke up. Psychologists carefully study these figures. Since the middle of the 20th century, they have been collecting and summarizing them, highlighting the most turning points - the so-called crises of family life, when the likelihood of a divorce process is maximum.

Today, family psychology has extensive data on this issue. This allows spouses to be warned about upcoming difficulties at one stage or another and to prepare for them. In the future, this should reduce the number of divorces. If you feel that something has changed in your relationship with your significant other, you may simply be in the state of one of these crises.

What it is

According to psychology, a family crisis is a state in a couple when homeostasis (self-regulation aimed at maintaining internal constancy and dynamic balance within the system) is disrupted, and this leads to frustration (dissatisfaction). Usually the impetus is some new situation that cannot be resolved using the usual model of behavior.

Example. The crisis of the first year of family life is most often associated with the birth of a child, which is the very impetus. Spouses can no longer maintain homeostasis (as before, visiting guests, traveling, just watching TV in the evenings), i.e., internal balance is disturbed. The wife is in a state of frustration because her husband is not helping her. He, in turn, is dissatisfied due to the lack of attention on her part. Habitual models of behavior no longer work: if previously the negativity of a quarrel could be extinguished by conversation, reconciliatory sex, or a conversation with a friend, now the problem has to be solved in other ways.

Over the years, experts have collected information about exactly what stage of the life cycle family crises occur at, and this allowed them to create several classifications.

Afterword

Family development can be compared to personality development and age-related development. Each person goes through age-related crises in the same way as a family: if successfully overcome, he develops, if unsuccessful, he degenerates.

The modern Russian family is characterized by isolation, tightening of external and unclear internal boundaries, and the predominance of internal stabilizers. Perhaps this is what explains the increase in crises and the increase in requests for psychological help.

How to determine who is in charge in the family and stop making trouble? Find out from the video.

Classifications

Regulatory crises

The main current classification of family crises is named after the famous American psychotherapist Virginia Satir. She calls them normative and identifies 10 main problematic issues that every couple faces:

1. Birth of the first child.
2. A child's acquisition of speech.
3. His admission to school.
4. His teenage period, which overlaps with his parents' midlife crisis.
5. “Empty nest” syndrome – children leaving the family.
6. Children creating their own families.
7. My wife's menopause.
8. Decreased libido in husband.
9. Mastering new roles - grandparents.
10. Death of one of the spouses.

It is easy to see that the first normative crises are based on growing up and raising a child. The viability of this classification is proven by statistics: couples who do not have children either divorce in the first 3 years, or continue to live and never break up (after 3 years of marriage, divorce in such families is only 5%). This suggests that they do not have to live through most of the difficulties highlighted by Virginia Satir and associated specifically with children.

Non-normative crises

Psychologists Eidemiller and Justitskis identify other crises in family life that are associated with unfavorable living conditions and problems that arise at different stages. These include:

• illness of one of the spouses;
• socio-economic processes (financial crisis, war);
• adultery;
• conflicts with other people;
• housing problems;
• change in the social status of one of the spouses;
• excessive load;
• state of divorce;
• domestic violence;
• adoption, guardianship.

Non-normative crises can overtake a family at any period of life and even overlap one another, which aggravates an already precarious situation.

Psychology and impact of these difficulties

There are several reasons:

1. Firstly, forewarned is forearmed. A crisis period is inevitable, whether the couple wants it or not.

   Therefore, it is better to know in advance about its existence and onset and be prepared to deal with it.

2. Secondly, many people, not knowing about the existence of crises in marriage, consider the problems that have arisen as a reason for separation.

   Although in fact, it is almost always enough to sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk, talk about your feelings and listen to your partner.

Periodization

Based on V. Satir’s classification and many years of research into the causes of divorce proceedings in psychology, periods of crisis in family relationships were identified by year. It’s worth mentioning right away that the time frames are set arbitrarily, and for each individual pair they can occur either a little earlier or a little later.

Main periods of crisis:

• 1-2 years - birth of a child;
• 3-6 years - the child masters speech;
• 7-9 years old - entry to school;
• 10-14 years - adolescence + midlife crisis;
• 15-19 years old - empty nest syndrome;
• 20-24 years old - children getting married, mastering the roles of grandparents, aging;
• 25-30 years - menopause in the wife, decreased libido in the husband.

In each period, the psychology of family crises identifies a peak that accounts for the maximum number of divorces:

• 1 year;
• 3 years;
• 7 years;
• 10 years;
• 15 years;
• 20 years;
• 25 years.

Each crisis is characterized by its own problems and, accordingly, ways to solve them. What will help you get out of an impasse in the first year of married life will no longer work after 10 years.

It is difficult to say how long each period lasts. It depends on the character and behavior patterns of both halves. Someone may wait patiently for the situation to be resolved for months, dragging it out. Others, due to their temper, cut the Gordian knot right away. As practice shows, on average, a conflict matures within 6-12 months.

General points

Psychologists identify three symptoms that indicate the onset of a crisis:

1. Stopping confidential conversations when spouses stop sharing their own experiences with each other.
2. Decline in sexual activity.
3. Irritability towards your significant other.

There are only 2 ways out of every crisis:

1. Constructive when the marriage survives.
2. Destructive when a couple files for divorce.

If earlier in family psychology it was believed that a constructive way out of a crisis is always positive, and a destructive way out is always negative, now such a gradation of assessment has been abolished. It often happens that a husband and wife decide to stay together because of the child, so as not to traumatize him. However, both are unhappy, can barely tolerate each other and take it out on the one for whom they saved the family. The result is psychological trauma for everyone. And sometimes, freed from oppressive relationships, people gain peace of mind, peace and a new value consciousness, which contributes to their further personal growth.

How to overcome the first crisis in family relationships?

Books on family psychology advise overcoming the first of the crises of family life by becoming as open as possible to your partner and to joint discussions. First of all, you should establish your own rules by which the young family will live. You should immediately discuss the responsibilities of the spouses and their distribution. For example, you should immediately discuss (at least in general terms) how to distribute the budget, who will cook and keep the apartment clean, how often you need to spend time with friends.

These conversations often seem routine to young people, devoid of romance, and newlyweds do not want to waste time on their honeymoon, inspired by love, on such trifles. However, these points need to be discussed either before starting life together or as soon as possible after it begins. In the future, this will allow you to avoid quarrels and conflicts - you can always point out to your partner the agreement, and new demands will not come as a surprise to both.

You should definitely discuss with your significant other what kind of model of future family life both partners imagine. It is necessary to discuss controversial issues and develop a compromise solution. We need to think together about whether the spouses will turn on their parents’ families, behave in the same way as them, or develop a completely different strategy.

Another important point is that conflicts that arise cannot be hushed up. If one of the spouses has dissatisfaction or questions related to living together, it is necessary to discuss them in a calm, restrained manner with your husband or wife. The interlocutor, in turn, should be as open as possible to listening to complaints and correcting his behavior. This is not called “nagging” - this is an important stage in establishing a life together, during which the nuances of each other’s behavior should not be hidden.

1-2 years

Peak - 1 year (calico wedding).

a brief description of

The first year of married life for most couples is the honeymoon and the continuation of the bouquet and candy period. They establish a common way of life, they like to be independent and not depend on anyone, so arranging a nest is accompanied by increased enthusiasm.

However, after 1 year, the first, and quite serious, problems begin to appear. The fact is that by this time the spouses get used to each other, elementary embarrassment disappears, and then it turns out that the prince on a white horse can walk around the house in torn socks, and the miss beauty can wear curlers and a greasy robe. It’s exaggerated, but the fact remains: the chemistry of love ends, the household boat rocks more and more, and to this is added the birth of a child (most often).

Causes:

• discrepancy between the ideal of the beloved and his everyday image;
• uneven distribution of responsibilities around the house;
• mother-in-law/mother-in-law syndrome, which often causes discord in a young family;
• mismatch of biorhythms (husband is a lark, wife is an owl or vice versa);
• financial problems (especially if both spouses are too young, do not work, depend on their parents);
• living together with parents.

Most often, the crisis of the first year of family life is associated with the birth of the first child, when a young and inexperienced mother gets tired of the burden of everyday problems that fall on her shoulders. A newborn may have difficulty sleeping, eating, walking, and visiting a doctor regularly. Added to this are problems with lactation and postpartum depression. And what “finishes off” her is the need to keep up with everything around the house: cleaning, washing, ironing, cooking, eating. She is guaranteed to be in a state of stress. She begins to get angry with her husband, who disappears all the time at work and does not help her.

The young father is also in a state of shock at this time. The child does not allow you to get enough sleep at night, and in the morning you have to get up for work. There is not enough money for anything, as expenses have increased sharply, either on diapers or on formula. The wife turned from a well-groomed phyto-nurse into an eternally dissatisfied aunt with blurred forms after childbirth and dark circles under her eyes. And no sex either, because she has no time for that.

Psychologist's advice

To overcome a crisis, it is necessary to find out its root cause. After all, not every couple immediately has a child, however, they also have to face the difficulties of everyday life and relationships with new relatives. Starting from a pressing problem, you need to look for a way out. What psychologists advise:

1. Each spouse must first decide for himself whether it is possible to continue to preserve the marriage with minimal losses for everyone.
2. Discover new facets of personality in your spouse, look for positive aspects, turn a blind eye to shortcomings.
3. Schedule housework duties down to the smallest detail so that they are distributed evenly.
4. Establish relationships with mother-in-law / mother-in-law as much as possible.
5. Together, try to find sources of additional income to improve your financial situation.

If the crisis of 1 year is ripe, the spouses need to sit down and talk openly about all the problems and ways to solve them. A wife should not forget to take care of herself. The husband should not disappear all the time at work.

If the cause of the crisis is the birth of a child, all problems can also be solved. It is imperative to involve grandparents to help with the baby. In case of postpartum depression, a mother needs to undergo a recovery course. Dad should, to the best of his ability, take on some of the responsibilities around the house. And most importantly, they must pay enough attention to each other and in no case refuse intimacy.

Universal advice. Romantic dates at least once a week will help save a marriage after 1 year of family life. You can ask someone to sit with your baby for a couple of hours. And constantly change the place: it could be a cozy cafe, an interesting movie, a Ferris wheel, just a trip out of town, admiring the sunset - there are many options. The main thing is to change the environment and enjoy each other’s company.

3-6 years

Peak - 3 years (leather wedding).

a brief description of

If the first crisis of family relations has been successfully overcome, there is usually a lull for a year: the child grows, becomes more independent and interesting, parental responsibilities become a habit. However, this respite will not last long. According to statistics, most divorces occur after 3 years of marriage.

Psychologists call the crisis of three years the most dangerous of all. The couple recovers from the shock of becoming parents, and many begin to look at their partner with completely new eyes. Love transforms into a habit; not a trace remains of the former passion. Everything seems too gray, everyday and ordinary. If the spouses managed to maintain friendly relations and respect for each other, they will easily overcome this period. Otherwise, they will face divorce.

Moreover, this crisis may be quite long. It covers a period from 3 to 6 years, and the peak can fall on any of the intermediate periods. Some psychologists separately single out 5 years (wooden wedding) as the most problematic moment, since by this time the child becomes old enough, does not require special care - and the couple finally makes the decision to separate, which has been long overdue.

Causes:

• lack of common interests;
• fading feelings for each other and increasing irritability;
• against the background of the previous two factors - adultery;
• the problem of living space: if in the 1st year of family life living together with parents had its advantages, then over time this worsens the situation;
• lack of finances: the family is becoming more and more independent, you can no longer ask your parents for money, but you want to go on vacation and buy a new TV;
• the appearance of a second child;
• career growth of one of the spouses.

Virginia Satir saw the growing up of a child at the heart of this crisis. He is growing and requires more and more effort and time: to educate, develop, arrange and take him to kindergarten every day. And then it turns out that dad has no time to do all this, he shifts the responsibility to mom (in some families it happens the other way around). Or it suddenly turns out that spouses have different models of raising children. The husband grabs the belt to punish his son for his prank, and the wife rushes to the defense - a conflict is inevitable.

How to behave

1. Avoid open conflicts and quarrels.
2. Don't allow yourself to get irritated. Review your photos together more often, remember the moment you met, the wedding and the feelings that once connected you. This will help revive the extinguished flame of love.
3. Take care of yourself (dress well, exercise) so as not to give reasons for betrayal.
4. Try together to solve financial and housing problems.
5. Don't rush into having your second child.

This is the only crisis when psychologists do not recommend constructive and trusting dialogue as a way to overcome the difficulties that have arisen. As practice shows, at the moment each spouse has little secrets from each other that they will hide, and conversation will only aggravate the situation and kill mutual trust. Most often, this is an affair on the side, which it is better not for the other half to know about. In 90% of cases it turns out to be insignificant and starts only to take a break from everyday life. So you shouldn’t open a meaningless scratch so deeply.

Universal advice. To save the family at this stage, you need to fall in love with each other again. Arrange a supposedly accidental acquaintance and start everything from scratch: bouquets, dates, lace lingerie, sex in unusual places. Psychologists advise the two of you to go on a romantic trip for 2-3 weeks. Such a reboot of relationships benefits everyone - including the child, who is always happy to see happy parents together.

Family types

There are several family typologies. Each type has its own characteristics and has its own influence on both the development of adults and the development of children.

By structure

1. Nuclear. Parents and children, that is, only two generations.
2. Advanced Nuclear. Parents, children, grandparents and other relatives are part of the family structure.
3. Full family. Children and both parents.
4. Single-parent family. Children and one parent.
5. Functionally incomplete. Children and both parents, but one parent for certain reasons cannot fulfill family responsibilities.

It has been noted that families living separately from their parents experience fewer quarrels, crises and conflict situations.

By power

1. Egalitarian family. Power is equally distributed between husband and wife.
2. Patriarchy. The family is led by the husband or older man (father-in-law, father-in-law).
3. Matriarchy. The family is led by the wife or another older woman, such as a mother-in-law or mother-in-law.

The best option is the one that suits both spouses.

In relation to children

1. Traditional. Children are subject to the authority of adults. As a result, children have a developed sense of duty and well assimilate social norms, but experience problems in communication and establishing contacts, and lack initiative.
2. Child-centric. The family functions for the child and for his sake. As a result, as a rule, the child suffers from high self-esteem, is conflicted, self-centered, and maladaptive.
3. Democratic. Each family member is independent and independent, relationships are built on trust and respect. A child from such a family is active, independent, friendly, self-confident and emotionally stable. But sometimes he may not obey social requirements. Conflicts in the family rarely arise and are easily resolved.

The latter type is preferred.

7-9 years

Peak - 7 years (copper wedding).

a brief description of

According to statistics, a surge in divorces occurs after 7 years of marriage. By this point, life usually improves and gets back on track: the financial situation is more or less stabilized, the problem with living space has already been at least somehow resolved. And the spouses certainly don’t argue over who should take out the trash can. So what happens to people who have walked this path hand in hand?

This is where physiology comes into play and there is no escape. By this time, the spouses are usually 30 years old, during which there is a surge in sexual activity, and it does not find a way out. Many people no longer see their partner as an object to satisfy their desires and fantasies. They thoroughly know not only each other’s habits, but also every mole on the body. The novelty is lost, sex becomes a mechanical fulfillment of a marital obligation.

If the family adheres to Christian or simply traditional moral principles, it will endure this. But as soon as one of the spouses gives in, betrayal and divorce cannot be avoided.

Causes:

• sexual dissatisfaction;
• adultery;
• a change in the social status of one of the spouses or rapid career growth (it is inconvenient for a diplomat husband to have a wife who is a dishwasher);
• rupture of physical and emotional connection between spouses;
• life, routine, monotony.

Virginia Satir connects this crisis with the fact that the child needs to be sent to school. Parents need to make a joint decision about which institution he will study at, who will drop him off and pick him up, what clubs to choose for him, and who will go to meetings. When there is no mutual understanding, all these questions only make things worse. Quarrels are inevitable.

At the same time, the child is already developing as a person, understands a lot and begins to ask questions to which parents do not always have answers: why they don’t sleep in the same bedroom, why dad stays late at work, why they don’t go anywhere together. And such “whys” are heard every day. Such psychological direct pressure from children only widens the gap in the couple.

Parents often divorce when the child turns 8: they finished first grade together, put up with each other, and that’s enough. Unfortunately, few people are interested in developmental psychology, which strongly advises against doing this during this period. A student experiencing a divorce may have problems with social adaptation and academic performance.

How to get out of a family crisis 7 years

1. Seek help from a family psychologist.
2. Actively involve your spouse in raising the child.
3. Diversify intimate relationships, try to establish a sexual connection.
4. Find a balance between work and home.
5. Try to balance your educational level and learn a new profession.
6. Do not hold grudges and irritation within yourself, express everything in a constructive dialogue and try to find joint solutions.
7. In case of betrayal, either forgive or divorce.

Universal advice. This is the very crisis that needs to be solved through the satisfaction of sexual needs. It's time to add variety to your intimate life. Go to specialized stores together, buy something new, try, experiment. If you want to save your relationship, the two of you make an appointment with a sexologist.

Psychotherapeutic function of the family

Not so long ago, among the usual functions of the family, psychologists began to highlight the psychotherapeutic function. It is of particular interest within the framework of this article.

The psychotherapeutic function of the family means the ability of its members to create a psychologically favorable climate and comfort. This is implemented in two directions:

• meeting the needs of children, tenderness, affection, care;
• satisfying the needs of spouses for emotions and loving warmth, providing psychological support, inspiring each other for social, professional and personal achievements.

10-14 years

Peak - 10 years (tin wedding).

a brief description of

Psychologists call this crisis of family relationships the second most difficult after the three-year one. Several problematic situations overlap here.

First, both spouses are experiencing a midlife crisis. It is characterized by a depressive state associated with the fact that the dreams of youth have not been achieved, opportunities to achieve something have been missed, and old age is already on the threshold. Overestimating your own experience can result not only in antidepressants and a job change, but also in divorce. After all, the first person who prevented you from achieving your goals is your significant other, who has been dragging you down all this time.

Secondly, the child begins adolescence (12-13 years old), in most cases it goes beyond the control of adults and becomes difficult to manage. Against the backdrop of conflicts with him, the parents enter into confrontation with each other. Phrases are heard more and more often: “You raised him this way,” “No, he is like this because you didn’t raise him,” etc.

Causes:

• prolonged depression, emptiness, emotional burnout;
• loss of interest in family, work, hobbies;
• change of environment, new connections;
• job change;
• the onset of aging (excess weight, wrinkles, gray hair);
• comparison with other, more successful people of this age.

All this is aggravated by the child’s adolescence, which requires increased attention to itself and does not receive it because the parents are going through their own problems. A situation develops in the family when everyone sits in their room with the doors locked and minds their own business. No dinners together, no going to the movies, no talking. In the end, one of the spouses cannot stand it and files for divorce.

How to overcome

1. Don't focus on your inner state. Try to help your other half.
2. Pay more attention to the teenager, talk to him, take part in his life, support healthy hobbies and interests (for both parents).
3. Expand your circle of mutual acquaintances.
4. Do not get involved in social networks and computer games.
5. Do not hush up problems, solve them as they arise.
6. Make an appointment with a family psychologist.
7. Have another child.

Universal advice. To save your marriage at this stage, find a common hobby for the whole family. New impressions, acquaintances, and a change of scenery will help you overcome your midlife crisis and improve your relationship with your teenager. This could be river rafting, cycling, hiking, dancing and much more.

Recommendations for overcoming and preventing crises

To strengthen the family, it is important to focus on the following provisions:

1. To be an independent person in the family of your parents, the role of the husband (wife) should prevail over the role of the son (daughter).
2. Maintain a balance between spousal unity and personal independence. If there are no internal boundaries, then each of the partners is unable to bear responsibility for themselves and the family itself.
3. Every person has the right to different interests, desires, plans. They may diverge from the interests of the spouse, but should not contradict the interests of the family.
4. Create a safe internal space where spouses can express anger, disagreement, and not fear the outcome. Any choice or contradiction is a potential conflict and crisis. It is important to be able to discuss situations and make compromises.
5. It is useful to develop rules for resolving conflicts. For example, solve them only at home and in private, do not resolve conflicts before work, do not resort to insults, do not touch on sore topics (what?).
6. Develop a sense of humor. It prevents small quarrels, and neutralizes large ones.
7. Satisfy each other's needs for sympathy, respect, recognition, emotional support, psychological protection, that is, perform the psychotherapeutic function of the family.
8. The communication skills of each spouse are another factor in resolving crises. Even if, during a normative crisis, the family is approaching imbalance, then the ability to communicate, and not just change flexibility, will allow a return to stability.

15-19 years old

Peak - 15 years (crystal wedding).

a brief description of

This crisis has a specific name - empty nest syndrome. By this age, children go to school, join the army, start their own families, and get a job. In a word, they begin to build their own lives and become independent. The couple, who may have been held together by children all these years, feels abandoned and lonely. It may turn out that they no longer have common interests. Such a discovery often leads to divorce even at this age.

Causes:

• children leaving the family;
• emptiness in the house and emptiness in the soul;
• lack of common interests;
• loss of attraction to each other;
• Each spouse lives a separate life.

How to improve relationships

1. Talk to each other.
2. Find new common ground.
3. Joint efforts to help children arrange their new lives.
4. Go on a long trip abroad together.
5. Let's start realizing the dreams of our youth together.
6. Do not stoop to mutual reproaches.
7. Have another child.

Universal advice. As a rule, by this time people achieve a certain financial independence. Take advantage of this. Make your spouse's dream come true. Buy him an expensive watch that he has always dreamed of, or a ticket to travel around the world. This will allow both to understand that life is not over: on the contrary, it’s time to start living for yourself.

Common symptoms of difficulties with your husband

As mentioned above, the onset of a crisis can be determined by how the attitude towards the partner changes. He no longer attracts, but, on the contrary, irritates .

And this is only the first alarm bell. There are a number of others:

1. Almost complete absence of intimate life.
2. Disagreements on any, even the most trivial issues.
3. Reluctance to hear the spouse’s opinion, the need to always be against everything.
4. Lack of any emotions towards the partner. The husband or wife no longer wants to share with their partner what is important, what is happening to them, what they feel, what they dream about.
5. Monotony, boredom.
6. Unilateral decision-making that does not take into account the opponent’s opinion.

You can add to the list the desire to spend more and more time separately, alone or with friends.