How to decide to make changes in life - advice from a psychologist. How to overcome indecisiveness?

September 17, 2018
Psychology of Personality
Evgeny Zagoretsky

It is impossible to fully study the spiritual world of man. Each has its own characteristics, each has its own pros and cons. Some people quickly join a new society, but for others it’s torture. Every day a person is faced with making one decision or another, some people just don’t notice it and do it automatically, while others require lengthy analysis. It is the latter who display indecision traits in a person.

General provisions

If a person is faced with the question of what to drink: tea or coffee, he will immediately give an answer, paying attention to his tastes and preferences. But if a task arises, the solution of which could change his life, then such an individual will be more reasonable and will not make a decision quickly.

If we take people in high-ranking positions, then every day, both at work and in their personal lives, they need strong determination, because they are responsible for all their employees, but for the latter it is already easier, part of the responsibility has been removed from them.

Although everyone has life dilemmas and difficulties: how to decide on this, on that?). Moreover, they can be complicated by a series of “traps”, which will be described below.

Make a bet with someone close to you

A great incentive to achieve goals is to involve outsiders as spectators and judges. This is why publications on various social networks of statements like “I pledge to lose 10 kg in 30 days and post the results every week” have become so popular recently. This is an excellent motivator, because if you fail, you will be ashamed not only in front of yourself, but also in front of the public.

If you do not want to expose yourself to such public scrutiny, and in order to add additional enthusiasm to this very “public” in monitoring your results, make a bet with someone close to you. Believe me, he will turn into the most attentive judge of your success.

The main pitfalls

“Traps” make life much more difficult. They only move us away from the answer to the question of how to decide to take an important step in life. Here are some of them:

The effect of multiple outcomes. To better understand what we are talking about, it is worth presenting a regular test question. Even if there are only two possible answers, the probability of a correct and an incorrect answer is the same. Increasing the number of answers to 3 increases the likelihood of choosing the wrong one. Consequently, a person will analyze longer, because he is afraid of making a mistake (his psychology is structured this way). This is where a trait called indecision comes into play. In real life, everything is even more complicated, because life events easily change conditions. How to make a decision in this case? There is advice: each situation should be led to 2 solutions. After selecting an answer, you can add 2 new conditions and so on.
Fear of committing or repeating wrong actions. When making a decision, everyone is afraid of choosing the wrong path. Things get more complicated if the wrong path has already been identified in a similar situation. For example, there is a chance to invest money in a developing project and get good capital out of it in the future, but events emerge in the psyche that once there was an investment in something similar, and there was a failure. Now, the seed of doubt has been sown. In such situations, it is necessary to perceive any wrong decisions as life experience, which is a kind of brick from which the core of the personality is built.
Tendency to immediate gain. Not the best side of the human psyche, frankly speaking. A person is afraid to leave his own comfort zone, but this, undoubtedly, can play a cruel joke on him in the future. To understand, it is worth translating this into the relationship between parents and children. Until they reach adulthood (sometimes longer), children ask for permission to perform certain actions, but if in childhood it might be: “Dad, can I have a chocolate?”, and a negative answer will only result in a moment of resentment, then in the future this goes on to “Dad, can I go to the pool party, my boyfriend will be there?” Here the father understands in his heart that this may not end in the best way, but on the other hand, he is in every possible way afraid of upsetting his daughter, and gives a positive answer. It is important to remember that avoiding a serious conversation with your daughter does not solve the problem.
Striving for ideal. Finding the best solution to a problem is certainly commendable. The question is: is this always correct? A trivial example: a girl has two options for men who are good-looking for her, but psychologically she has an image of the only one built in her head. So, she will delay making a decision (in search of the right one), and in the end she will be left alone. This is the case when you had to turn off your perfectionism and make a choice. It is important to clarify that, firstly, such an example is only a personal opinion, and secondly, it does not call for hanging on to the first person you meet, just to avoid being left alone.
Situations with two solutions, both leading to negative consequences. Let's say a friend asks to hire his girlfriend, but the recommendations show that she will not bring any benefit. Two solutions: refuse and offend your friend, but save the company from an incompetent employee, or agree, remain on good terms with your friend and include a useless employee in the team. In such cases, a decision must be made quickly so as not to lose in the future due to the changed conditions of the situation. It is worth remembering: you always need to look into the future, think ahead. A friend will forgive over time, and the company will not suffer from an unnecessary employee.
Regret about wasting material resources. People go to work every day to provide for their material needs, so even when they see that the decision they made has led to negative consequences, they put up with it and move on with their lives, and this is the main mistake that leads to hesitancy to change direction in life. A fashionista girl bought herself some much-desired shoes that looked perfect in the store. But, having been like them for only half an hour, she feels that this is not her heel. The girl wears shoes only because she paid money for them, and continues to torment herself. Don't be afraid to change your mind!
Chasing two hares. And again the choice! But in this situation you have to choose between two interesting events. Let's say you were invited to two birthdays on the same day (one friend and the other). In this case, it is worth remembering: you will definitely have to upset one birthday girl and please the other. You need to weigh the pros and cons, explain everything, any person, if he is not a stranger, will understand the situation. Don't be afraid of people's reactions.

If you see these traps, then you can successfully fight them and in the future not ask the question of how to change everything in your life, but simply start changing.

Results

Each of us wants the best for ourselves. Some people want to develop, achieve social or spiritual goals. Some people are helped by the scheme of dividing their life into zones - comfortable, growth, discomfort (panic). And any of these methods motivates positive changes in life.

The main thing is not to despair when difficulties arise and to continue moving forward. And here you can rely on the words of Spiritual Economics: “The worker is worthy of reward for his labors” (SYN, Luke 10:7). If you work, you deserve to be happy. And there are a lot of ways to get there. Choose yours and act!

Tips for dealing with indecisiveness

If such a feeling often manifests itself, it is worth thinking about this problem and taking the path to improving your personality. Indecisiveness causes strong emotional stress. Here are some recommendations from psychologists:

Awareness of the presence of a problem. Every person is not immune from difficulties. What is meant by problems? These are unmade decisions. You need to accept the presence of a dilemma, identify solution options and choose, in no case delaying the moment until later.
Don't sugarcoat the situation. Sometimes a person, in order to protect himself from reality, psychologically prepares himself that everything is fine. So, there is a job you don’t like, misunderstandings with your boss. It would seem worthwhile to think through the options of events: either change your place of work, or talk with the director. But because of indecision, the worker convinces himself that everything is not so bad.
Rules of three criteria for decision (“need”, “want”, “will”). Each problem has its own leading criterion from those previously presented. You need to set your priorities correctly. Although it is worth remembering that prolonged analysis will lead to confusion.
Taking responsibility. How can a person who is afraid of responsibility decide to make changes? The underlying factor is indecision. The fear of negative consequences consumes a person, and he begins to doubt everything. A full-fledged person must think outside the box, creatively, include intuition, imagine all the outcomes of events and be responsible for the decisions she makes.
Once you decide, don't give up. Life is a constant series of obstacles. We must remember that only the weak immediately go astray. Making a decision does not mean a successful result. This is just the beginning. The confidence with which it was started is the same with which it is necessary to carry it through to the finale.

Step out of being a victim

Well, how long can you be patient - denying yourself everything for the sake of your loved ones, carrying a carload of other people's problems, considering suffering as a measure of holiness? No one will pat you on the head for betraying yourself.

Photo on Unsplash

Learn to put your needs above the habit of maintaining unnecessary illusions. Loneliness in a relationship is a bad omen. You also deserve happiness, love, good treatment. Stop being a victim, defend your right to a better life.

Reasons for a person's lack of confidence in their decisions

Here are some of them:

Heredity. This deficiency may have been passed down from our ancestors, but the future generation is created to find new ways to solve the problems of the past generation.
Upbringing. It is always necessary to let children solve problems (even if at first some are not serious) on their own; you can give them some advice, but do not take the initiative into your own hands. This will be a direct path to destroying the child’s self-confidence.
Social influence. There is no need to betray your principles under the pressure of public opinion. Since childhood, many people have been trying to instill other people’s opinions, to make people the same, stereotyped. The main advice is expressed by the quote: “Just because you are in the minority - and even in the singular - does not mean that you are mad” (George Orwell).

Come up with a decent motivation

Imagine the situation. Two women start playing sports at the same time. But one of them is getting married in 3 months and has already bought her dream wedding dress 2 sizes smaller, while the other decided to lose weight just for herself. Which of them do you think is more likely to achieve the goal? I am sure that the first one will run around the house even at night.

Proper motivation is very important. Picture this situation in your head. For example, how, when you go abroad again, you will no longer stutter, frantically grasping for a dictionary, but will calmly talk with the locals. Or, for example, when undressing in front of your man, you won’t have to suck in your stomach and turn off the lights at the most interesting moment, but will be able to go out enchantingly in new chic underwear without worrying about extra folds. Imagine this as realistically as possible. This will serve as great motivation.

READ ALSO: Cheating on your wife with your boss or colleague: what motivates a woman

Advice from a psychologist: how to decide to divorce your husband?

Modern couples are increasingly devaluing their relationships. As soon as they see problems along the way, many do not want to preserve the family home, but take extreme measures - divorce. It has been statistically found that women are more likely to make such decisions.

What to do in such a situation? How to decide? To solve the problem, you can use the algorithm that will be described below.

Analyze what you really want to change

At this stage, it’s worth sorting out your values, true desires, or going from the opposite - what bothered you the most in life? Tired of work? Tired of this relationship? Can't live in the same apartment with your parents anymore? It is logical that in such cases the goals will be to change jobs, break up relationships and buy an apartment. These are global goals, but to realize them you need to achieve a lot of smaller goals - quit your job and find a new one, find the strength to talk to your partner, find the necessary housing, etc.

It is also important to decide what means you need to do this (for example, learn English for your new dream job, etc.). It is important to build an accurate plan, set a time frame, but at the same time sensibly assess your capabilities. Write it all down in detail in a beautiful notebook - let it please the eye.

Algorithm of actions

How to make a decision about divorce/family preservation:

Ask questions: will it be better without a husband/wife? Is this really such a significant problem that it is worth leaving your life partner? If only pity stops you, this is a major mistake, because it will be emotional torture for both spouses.
Strength and sincerity of feelings. If the feeling of love remains, and the reciprocity of the husband/wife is felt, it is worth thinking about what a shock this will be for both spouses. You need to be alone, discuss everything with each other. In most cases, there is mutual understanding between people.
If the previous two points have not been stopped, then you need to immediately inform your husband/wife, but the main thing is to remain calm and balanced, without wasting energy on the showdown, because there are many organizational issues to be resolved ahead.
Many people face disagreement from their husband/wife in this decision. There is only one answer: he/she is trying to save the family. So, maybe the initiator of the divorce got carried away, and it’s worth giving a second chance, preserving the social unit.
When children become the main obstacle. There is no clear answer in this situation. Children, of course, can grow up happy in a divided family, but what if this doesn’t happen?

Sometimes a psychologist's advice on how to decide to divorce your husband can be unhelpful. Sometimes a person himself feels better whether he needs it or not, without the help of specialists.

This decision can radically change lives, so it requires a long recovery. Measure seven times, cut once.

Don't create an idol for yourself

It’s stupid to think that leaving your ideal partner is a disrespectful reason. Yes, a person can be kind, caring, promising, good in the classical sense of the word, but you cannot deceive the heart. Do not be fooled by the provocations of the mind, which insists that you will never meet anything like this again. Good does not mean suitable.

Imagine that you like your coffee black without sugar, and the barista hands you a delicious latte, sprinkled with dark chocolate, accompanied by a slice of cake. The set is gorgeous, but you don’t eat sweets and generally ordered espresso. It’s the same with relationships: a person’s “goodness” does not mean that he is right for you.

Psychological advice on deciding on a second child

Mothers often have a fear that they may not be able to cope with the additional workload. How to decide on a second child? What if the woman physically does not have time to do everything that is necessary for the babies? There are other fears, such as material fears: what if it won’t be possible to give everything the baby needs? How to decide on a second child in this case?

It’s worth turning on your imagination and immersing yourself in a world where the couple already have two children. Need to:

Think through all the difficulties that you may encounter and ways to solve them.
Buy helpers for household chores (this will greatly simplify life with children).

It’s a good idea to think about all the positive things that a second child will provide:

The priceless smile of a baby.
Improving maternal qualities.
Saving material costs (maybe the first-born’s clothes will fit him?).
A feeling of ease due to previous experiences.

Now imagine the happiest outcome

What is the best and most desirable thing that will happen to you if you take the first step and everything works out? Where will you find yourself, who will surround you, how will you feel, what will you look like? Imagine one day from your future in detail. Do you like what you see? Do you want to achieve all this? Then take the first step!

Algorithm for thinking about moving

How to decide to move:

Estimate material costs. You should write down how much money you will need for initial living until a job is found. The best option for the list: renting a home for several months, utility bills, food, travel, and purchasing medications in case of illness. When there is confidence that there are enough funds available, a feeling of calm should gradually fill the state of mind.
Consider the possibilities. Assess the economic and social level of development of the place you want to move to. Analyze possible jobs, salaries, compare with existing ones. Calculate how much you will spend on rent and compare it with the current one. After all, it may turn out that there will be even fewer prospects there than there are now.
Study the labor market. There are employment agencies that you can contact, advertisements in newspapers looking for employees. Before moving, it is wise to submit your resume to a number of companies in advance and wait for a response. And only then move with great peace of mind, knowing that there will definitely be work in the new place.
Fear of loneliness. Family, friends, just acquaintances - they will need to be left. This is what stops many: the fear that there will be no one to support them in difficult times, no one to share their impressions or problems with. But if you decide that you need to change your life, you should be able to turn off emotions, be focused only on the prospects that await you, on the success that you can achieve, thereby helping your family and friends. No one forbids you to find friends in a new city online so that they can help you at first.
Study the culture and mentality of the place you plan to move to. This way you can easily fit into the routine of everyday life.

Having thought everything over and calculated, you need to immediately start implementing your plans and not stop.

In other words, how do you decide to move to another city? It’s very simple: you need to weigh the pros and cons, turn off your emotions and just start acting.

Don't make preparing for change a separate process

Very often we delay action by convincing ourselves of the need to first thoroughly prepare - make inquiries, find out as much information as possible, read a couple of dozen books on the topic, etc. It seems to us that we are already in the active process of moving towards the goal, however, in fact, we stand still and look for excuses and more and more new sources of information, thus, as it were, reinsuring ourselves against possible mistakes.

So you can limit your whole life to just reading smart books and visualizing future actions and die enlightened, with ready-made plans for transformations for several lives, but never getting off the ground. It’s better to make mistakes but move forward than to be safe from everything but never do anything.

Psychological advice on changing careers

This is what Confucius said:

“Find something you love and you will never have to work”

When a person is forced to do work, he is unlikely to become a fan of this work, because his character traits are not comparable to the requirements of the work. As a result, the individual will be deeply unhappy. But you shouldn’t waste time, you need to change the direction of your life path. What should I do? How to decide to change jobs?

Keep a diary

Many people and everywhere talk about the need to keep a diary; it seems that these are just empty words. However, it is not. A diary is a useful tool that helps you organize your thoughts and systematize literally everything.

The act of writing really helps. Expressing your feelings, summarizing your thought process can be cathartic. In some ways, it's like therapy—you don't necessarily get feedback, but you can benefit from pouring out your thoughts and emotions, says Sheri Jacobson, director of harleytherapy.com.

Algorithm for making a decision on changing jobs

Here's what psychologists recommend:

Identify the negative aspects of this work. What repels? This may be failure to realize potential, or not the best relationship with the director.
Ask yourself: what are your true goals in life? Was this what you dreamed about? It is worth opening and understanding your inner world to find out your true intentions.
Analyze your current life position. If a person goes to a job he doesn’t like, then this is vital: he needs to feed himself and his family. Initially, you should find a job you like and only then, having settled in it, leave your old one, so as not to end up with nothing. At the same time, it is useful to try to find something positive from your current job in order to stop emotionally burning out at a breakneck speed.

How to understand: is our desire to change something serious?

According to the expert, if the desire for change is dictated by certain natural reasons (marriage, the birth of a child, graduation from college), then, as a rule, they occur as planned and consistently.

“In other cases, in order to understand the seriousness of your intentions, it is better not to act impulsively, but to take a break - time to think,” the specialist recommends. During this period, it is better to try to somehow switch - go on vacation, take care of the garden at the dacha, and then return to the original desire and evaluate your motives.

In assessing motives, Tatyana Zakhartsova advises using the following technique: “Think about yourself after a long time - 5-10 years: how do you see yourself in your fantasy? Now try to get to the point where you are now in five steps. How do the desired changes fit into these steps?

Throw away false restrictions

We drive ourselves into a dead end when we say: “We need to make a decision by tomorrow morning.” “If I don’t decide on a relationship in a week, everything is lost!” Not all solutions are simple, it is important to stop escalating the situation.

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Relax, let go, let everything go at its own pace, just give yourself time. The more pressure, the more mistakes, fuss and stupid things you can make. Take your time, turn off your inner critic, become an observer - this will make it easier to make the right decision.