Every mentally healthy person is able to maintain eye contact with the interlocutor. In addition, this skill is one of the foundations of effective communication.
Look at the children. It is natural for them to look into the eyes of any person around them. A child may come up without smiling, without returning your smile, and just look into your eyes. Then he calmly turns around and leaves. He came up, looked, and ran about his business. Easy and relaxed.
Some parents unknowingly discourage their children from making eye contact. For example, by their behavior when they interrupt visual communication during communication. Or they directly say that “it is indecent to look so closely into the eyes.” And sometimes they even get angry if the child does not look away. As a result of such moments of upbringing, the child is deprived of an important ability. Over time, he loses the habit of maintaining visual contact and is deprived of a source of valuable information. After all, everything most intimate that happens to a person, in the depths of his soul, is reflected on his face and in his eyes.
What happens to those children who are not under pressure from adults? Who continue to peer into faces? Basically they become leaders. According to research, eye contact during everyday conversation is maintained for 20-50% of the total communication time. Lovers keep the bar at 60-80%. For managers and professionals, it is nothing to overcome 80 and reach 100%.
It is absolutely natural when a self-confident, mentally healthy person looks at his interlocutor without hiding his gaze.
Rules for making eye contact without embarrassment
There is an opinion that the norm is 70% maintaining eye-to-eye contact. It is not without meaning. Many of us need to acquire the skill of looking our interlocutor in the face. At the same time, compliance with the measure is required here in the same way as in everything else. If you see that a person does not feel very comfortable under your gaze, do not put pressure on him. Redirect your attention to the other side, think at the same time.
And one more detail that characterizes a good interlocutor, which is even more important than time - the way you look. Calm or anxious? Is your gaze supportive or oppressive? If you have decided to learn to look at your interlocutor without taking your eyes away, avoid this mistake: do not try to look closely at the area of the so-called “third eye” or at the bridge of the nose. This technique puts pressure, and the opportunity to observe the face and facial expressions of the interlocutor is lost. And the very habit of staring with your eyes, unceremoniously staring at the faces of others is not the ability to maintain visual contact, but a manifestation of elementary bad manners.
Where should you look in this case? Unexpectedly, but exactly where a driver with experience behind the wheel of a car usually looks. He does not look at one point: nowhere and everywhere at the same time, that is, at the situation on the road as a whole. It is necessary to develop the habit of looking with an unfocused, wide gaze.
If your goal is not to put pressure on the interlocutor, you should not look at him closely. Unfocus your gaze, look not into the person’s eyes, but only in the direction of his face. Thus, there is a transition to peripheral perception, in which you are not distracted and can catch any unconscious micromovements of a person and his face. If the interlocutor is pleasant to you, your gaze will also radiate warmth.
The most effective exercises for concentration
How to look into the eyes correctly?
In everyday conversation between people, direct eye contact should be at least 30% of the time and no more than 70%, as is considered in psychology. If the level of contact is insufficient, the interlocutor may feel like the conversation is undesirable, and if it is too high, he may feel as if he is being “itched” with his eyes. Everything should have its own measure.
Also, the look should not be “strained”. During a neutral conversation, you need to look into your eyes the same way as you look at everything else around you.
“The eyes are the mirror of the soul,” as the well-known wisdom says, they can convey the current emotions and mood of the interlocutor, it is important to be able to “tune in” correctly, i.e. feel into the person’s state, which will improve contact, both verbal and non-verbal. This is especially important when you want to console someone or cheer them up in a difficult situation.
Read more: Exercises to develop the power of your gaze
When making casual eye contact on the street, you should use your peripheral vision, i.e. look into the eyes, moving only the muscles of the eyeball, without turning your head. With tunnel vision, you can miss important details on the sides, and if you are too interested in eye contact, you can scare the other person.
Causes of fear
Being afraid to look people in the eyes – this problem has a name. Ommatophobia is the fear of looking into the eyes. A fairly rare mental disorder in which an ommatophobe is not just afraid to look into the eyes, he even experiences horror. But more often the cause of fear is not a phobia, but simpler reasons. Let's look at several reasons why a person avoids eye contact.
Lie. One of the assumptions why a person avoids direct gaze is an attempt to hide some information.
Perhaps he does not want the other person to understand his true emotions or intentions. If a person tries to lie, in addition to avoiding eye contact, they may exhibit the following signs:
- avoiding the topic of conversation, being distracted by unnecessary details;
- change in skin tone: pallor or redness;
- touching the nose or lips;
- body tension - posture, face;
- high speed or slurred, unclear speech.
But it is worth noting that the probability of lying with such behavior cannot be 100%. A person may simply not want to go into any details. For example, he wants to hide his negative attitude - disapproval, envy, indifference.
Low self-esteem . A shy, insecure person may also look away in dialogue. When communicating, such people tend to be afraid to say or do something wrong. Perhaps he has some feelings for his interlocutor. This can cause severe embarrassment, especially if your cheeks turn red. Or a person has experienced some kind of psychological trauma, as a result of which, when getting close to people, he begins to hide his experiences.
Lack of mood. Also, a participant in a dialogue may have some personal reasons for a bad mood that do not depend on the topic of the conversation or the current situation. One can also assume an attempt to hide the attitude towards the interlocutor - for example, irritation. Anger can be identified by constricted pupils.
Uninteresting topic. Avoidance of direct gaze may be due to conversation fatigue. Perhaps the topic of conversation is uninteresting or unpleasant. In this case, the flow of unnecessary information becomes too large, the person gets tired of it and switches attention to his thoughts. Therefore, he will not look at his interlocutor.
Why is it necessary to look into the eyes?
Continuous eye contact is an animal instinct that has been preserved in humans through the process of evolution. Animals have a continuous gaze directly into the eyes - a sign of aggression and conflict between individuals. It’s enough to imagine a picture of two cats in the spring, looking at each other, ready to pounce on their opponent with their claws. And the cat who is the first to give up and look away will be the loser in the fight.
In humans, eye contact has become one of the indispensable methods of non-verbal communication and a tool for determining the character, temperament and mood of the interlocutor. Continuous gaze into the eyes of the person opposite can be both a way to conquer and embarrass the girl you like, and to control the actions of your opponent in a conflict situation.
For many, constantly looking into the eyes is unbearably difficult: embarrassment begins, the nervous system gets excited, and in some situations, you just want to run away to get away from a stressful situation for yourself. The ability not to look away at the wrong moment is one of the keys for strong mentally individuals, as well as for training communication skills.
Eye contact without embarrassment and confidence between a guy and a girl
Mastering the skill of maintaining eye contact is an important part of pickup.
If a girl, when meeting a guy, sees his gaze downcast or darting around, she will immediately feel his insecurity. Moreover, this can give rise to thoughts about unclean intentions. It’s better for the woman to look away first.
Why is it so important to maintain eye contact when meeting people? Why do pickup artists from all countries use this technique? The thing is that a confident male gaze can evoke strong emotions in a woman, often reminiscent of falling in love. This is explained quite simply: if a man looks straight and openly, then he belongs to the category of courageous, strong “males”. And the girl’s subconscious quickly reads this. If suddenly a young man begins to look away while talking to a girl, this raises doubts and does not characterize him from the best side. Confidence shines through in the behavior and look of a real male; he does as he wants, without fear of anything. Especially if it’s the look of a stranger you like.
Maintaining a confident gaze is difficult, but you can learn it
Behind the insecure glances of those who avoid eye contact, complexes are hidden. There may be a lot of them. For example, psychological problems, parenting, something that affected self-confidence.
Step-by-step instructions for men and women on where to start self-development and self-improvement
How to learn not to look away?
There are several exercises that will help you learn not to look away during a conversation, as well as generally improve your peripheral vision abilities and give your eyes a “piercing” quality.
All exercises must be performed so as not to overdo it. If, after starting to perform various movements, you begin to feel dizzy or your eyes water, you should stop immediately and continue the next day.
Also, the reason for looking away is often simple self-doubt, which needs to be overcome during conversation sessions with a psychologist; exercises are only a necessary part of the training.
Eye muscle training
The first exercise is to train the muscles of the eyeball.
- On a simple office sheet of paper, you need to draw a dot in the middle and place it in front of you at a distance of one and a half to two meters. Look closely at it for 2-3 minutes, constantly keeping it in focus and without distraction.
- When you have managed to tune in, you need to slowly make circular movements with your head, first along a small radius, gradually increasing it, for 10 minutes. The pattern of movement should be similar to the pattern on a snail shell.
- Also, for 10 minutes, moving only your head and keeping your gaze on the point, make various patterns as you wish, periodically accelerating.
If it becomes difficult during the exercise, you should take a break and continue after a few minutes.
Concentration
The second exercise is to improve concentration and learn not to blink too often.
- You should place the same sheet of paper in front of you and look at it without blinking for as long as possible.
- Then close your eyes, and, without moving your head, just your pupil, begin to look at any point on the ceiling for 5 minutes, blinking as rarely as possible.
- You also need to look at any point on the floor, concentrating your gaze on it and without blinking.
Read more: How to make eye contact when speaking? 5 Principles of a Strong Look
Don't look away
And the third exercise is aimed at learning not to look away for a long time.
- You should sit comfortably in front of the mirror and look at the bridge of your nose for as long as possible without blinking. Continue performing for 15 minutes.
- After this, alternately look into the right and then into the left pupil, also for 15 minutes.
- After this, you should try to express various emotions with your eyes, without resorting to other facial muscles. This will help you learn how to react correctly during the dialogue.
The ability to not look away is a skill that comes after diligent, but very light work on oneself. A strong and “piercing” gaze is a necessary trait for a person to be successful in society.
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Adapt to your counterpart’s communication style
If you and the other person are not close, it can be difficult to determine the reasons for his or her behavior, and asking a direct question can add even more tension to the situation. A reasonable solution in this case would be to simply adjust and try to use other criteria to understand whether the interlocutor is following what you are saying and whether he agrees with you.
You can pause more often and ask if everything is clear or if clarification is needed. Listen carefully to the answer and smile encouragingly at the person.
In the end, if it suddenly turns out that your interlocutor, for example, has Asperger's syndrome (one of the types of autism spectrum disorders), it will be easier for you to adapt to him than it is for him to adapt to you.
Recommendations
- Share with your friends and loved ones what is bothering you. Unless, of course, they already know about your problem. By telling about your experiences to another person who is ready to listen and provide support, you legalize most of the tension that tends to accumulate, provoking the occurrence of various diseases. This is human psychology. Feelings have energy that, without finding a way out, has a destructive function, both for the body and for relationships with other people. It's like cooking soup with the lid tightly closed. Sooner or later it will be blown away, literally exploding, if you don’t periodically let off steam.
- Use the method of positive affirmations. These are positive statements that, influencing a person at the subconscious level, help get rid of complexes and fears. Changing his worldview, behavior style, reactions, and so on.
- Before going to bed, analyze the past day. What was interesting, or maybe sad, about it. What can you be proud of, what is worth paying attention to in the future. Just try to carry out this analysis without evaluatively, that is, without giving a general description. Moreover, without blaming yourself for failures. If you didn’t manage to meet your interlocutor’s gaze, note for yourself exactly what the difficulties were, what feelings and thoughts you encountered. Such an analysis will allow you to increase your level of awareness and identify patterns in behavior, which will subsequently make it easier to work on your own limitations.
- Practice meditation. It will help not only achieve a sense of inner harmony, but also increase the level of awareness. Because the whole process a person is concentrated on his feelings, he notices thoughts, not driving them away, but simply watching how they appear and disappear. This approach is effective, especially when you need to make a decision, figure out how to deal with a problem, and so on. By relaxing the body and brain - insight, that is, insight, happens on its own.
Trying to concentrate
Psychologists Fiona Phelps and Gwyneth Doherty Sneddon in their work “Gaze-Disgust” tried to determine the dependence of the duration of the gaze on the method of obtaining information and the level of its complexity. They conducted an experiment in which two groups of 8-year-old children were asked easy and difficult questions, with the former receiving information face-to-face and the latter through a video monitor.
It turned out that the more complex the question, the more often the child looked away in an attempt to concentrate and find the answer. It is interesting that a similar situation was observed more often in groups where the dialogue was built face to face.
Visual, auditory or kinesthetic?
Neuro-linguists offer their explanation. Whether a person likes to look into the eyes or tries to quickly look away - it depends on the way he thinks. Visual learners think through visual images, which is why it is so necessary for them to focus on their eyes in order to “read” the missing information.
For auditory learners, sounds are important - they are more likely to listen to the timbre and intonation of the voice, looking somewhere to the side. Kinesthetics, based on intuition and tactile sensations, during communication try to touch the interlocutor, hug, shake hands, while they usually look down.
