How to learn to trust people and is it worth it?

Many people wonder whether they should trust those who have already been caught in a lie.

After all, no one wants to be deceived again.

This question will be answered by an expert from the BelNovosti network publication, psychologist Sergei Krotov.

Have you ever had a similar situation where a trusting relationship was undermined by deception?

Photo: Pixabay

Our life is multifaceted and unpredictable. It happens that you know a person all your life, you trust him as if you were yourself, but he violated the fine line of trust and confidence in him.

Of course, similar situations occur in the life of any person. It is impossible to avoid them. Sooner or later, everyone deceives, and the consequences of deception can be unpredictable.

It is difficult to answer the question posed, since this requires a lot of work. Each person knows for himself how to relate to deception and to what extent he can accept it.

If a person lies, it means that he has only one reason for this - “the benefit of the deceiver.” It may consist in avoiding punishment, in obtaining approval or material benefits, in getting rid of unnecessary “headaches”.

But let's try to be objective using specific examples.

Why does mistrust arise?

Due to a lack of trust, misunderstandings, resentments and discord in relationships arise between people. As a result of this, in any person’s actions, we see a catch or an attempt to offend.

Mistrust can arise for several reasons.

Mistrust since childhood

A child under 2 years of age begins to develop trust through his relationship with his mother. He will not learn to trust if his mother is not confident in herself. A feeling of trust appears in him when he feels loved, surrounded by care and attention. The mother must come to the baby’s aid at the first call. The child must understand that he is the most important for her, and then everything else. This lays the foundation for trust in everyone around you.

In older children, mistrust may arise due to psychological trauma. Parenting is a difficult process, so parents make mistakes.

The mother may not pay enough attention if there is another child in the family. The elder will not understand why the mother moved away, and mistrust will form in him. In life, this feeling will leave its mark on relationships with other people.

Life experience

Situations often arise when a person stops trusting others. It closes itself from them in the following cases:

• betrayal;
• treason;
• lack of support in difficult life situations;
• deception;
• other situations.

After disappointment, the individual does not find the strength to trust people. It seems to him that anyone can deceive or betray. He keeps his distance and doesn't let anyone get close to him. The person himself is not comfortable in such a situation; it will interfere with him both in his personal life and in his professional life.

Diffidence

Individuals who are not confident in themselves and their abilities blame others for their failures. Because of their complexes, they see flaws in everyone. They believe that no one wishes them well, does not love or respect them. Subconsciously, such people have formed the opinion that they do not deserve to be treated well. The roots of this problem lie in the depths of consciousness and can be associated with various factors: a problem from childhood, psychological trauma, etc.

Each person judges by himself and his actions. If he thinks that his partner can cheat or commit a vile act, then he himself is capable of doing so. Such an individual does not understand that others may act differently.

Information flow

Society receives a large flow of information from television screens and the Internet. It is mostly negative: disasters, murders, road accidents, armed conflicts, etc. People have the idea that danger awaits them everywhere. Often the information is not true. Having had a negative experience, people are wary of everything and doubt whether they can trust others. The result is distrust of all individuals.

Where does trust or mistrust come from?

The level of trust depends on a person's life experience. In this sense, the most important experience is acquired in the first year after birth.

It is also believed that from birth a person initially has trust in the world. During this period, the whole world for him is represented by his mother. And if she loves her baby and takes care of him, then trust is not violated. The child even learns to remain without her for a short time and not show concern, knowing that the mother will soon return and will not disappear without a trace.

But if the mother does not show feelings, does not care for the child as she should, then he develops anxiety towards her. In the future, this anxiety is transformed into distrust of the world.

Thus, how calm and comfortable a person felt in early childhood determines his character and worldview, as well as whether he knows how to build relationships with other people.

Ways to learn to trust people

Relationships between people are difficult to build without trust. Thanks to this feeling, relationships between loved ones and friends become harmonious. In the professional sphere, without trust it is impossible to conclude contracts and transactions.

5 ways to learn to trust people

To start trusting others, use the following methods:

1. Forgive people who have offended you. Let go of the grudge and it will be easier. Experience with people who failed in a certain situation or acted ugly is just experience. You need to learn this lesson and be careful. You don’t need to assume that everyone will treat you badly. Each person is individual and has many good qualities.
2. Don't expect from others what they cannot give. When we trust friends or loved ones, we want them to be completely immersed in our problem or life. They can, due to their character or temperament, advise and console. But in the future they will not remember our problem. By expecting more, we become disappointed and lose trust.
3. Develop self-confidence. Confident and self-sufficient individuals are not afraid to trust people. They are not affected by criticism from others. They know how to properly divide people: who is worthy of trust and who is not. Individuals who are confident in themselves attract others like them.
4. Trust trusted friends. Situations often arise that we trust unfamiliar friends. And this could turn against us. Therefore, you should trust only those in whom you are confident that they will not let you down or set you up. When meeting new people, do not rush to “open your soul.” You should be careful, look closely and check their integrity.
5. Don't be afraid to trust your loved ones. Many people expect their partner to understand that we want to share our experiences. It's worth taking the first step yourself. The reaction on the part of the interlocutor can be anything, you need to be prepared for any development of events and react correctly.

Trust your feelings, thoughts and words to people in whom you are confident. When communicating with new acquaintances, do not “open your soul.” It is important to understand whether you can begin to trust this person.

Trusting a person means being prepared for any reaction.

You can learn to control your emotions and feelings, but you cannot control another person. Most often, by trusting, a person expects that his experiences will be perceived positively, they will respond to them and will always help. But the fact is that to trust means to be prepared for any reaction, even not the most expected one.

So, for example, a girl telling her friend that she is pregnant expects a positive reaction from her, congratulations and discussion of plans for the future. But in fact, a friend’s reaction cannot be predicted; she can be either happy or upset, and these will be her experiences.

In order for the reaction to trust not to cause frustration and despondency, it is necessary to be prepared for negative reactions and accept that a person cannot always react the way he would like.

How to understand: to trust or not

To understand whether you should trust people, carefully observe them during communication:

• an honest person, during a conversation, looks into the eyes and does not look away when asked a question. Experienced liars know how to control themselves, so watch your pupils. Dilated pupils – he is not telling the truth;
• Crossed arms on the chest means the interlocutor is closing himself off from you and does not trust you. If a person turns sideways during a conversation or hunches over, this means that he is not interested in the topic of conversation. Gestures such as pursing lips, stroking hair, looking at fingers - may indicate that the interlocutor is lying;
• honest and decent people do not cancel a meeting. This applies to both business and friendly relationships. Friends who suddenly change plans, without good reason, cannot be relied upon;
• ask tricky questions. An interlocutor who has nothing to hide will answer honestly and openly;
• ask about something personal. The one who strives for trust on your part will answer. And the liar will transfer the question to you;
• deceivers rarely use the pronoun “I” in conversation because they are subconsciously afraid to take responsibility. In their speech they use words that express negative emotions - “sad”, “hopeless”, “sad” and others. They may give examples that support their story when they are not asked to do so;
• business relationships and friendships should not be established quickly. If this happens without your desire, it means that the new acquaintance is exerting pressure;
• turns against old friends and relatives - you should not communicate with such a friend. He may be pursuing some goal.

Analyze the behavior, gestures and movements of new acquaintances. Based on these characteristics, you can get an idea about them and understand whether the people in front of you are honest or not.

It is impossible to protect yourself 100% from dishonest people, but you can exclude obvious liars from your life.

How to cast aside all doubts and trust a man

Here lies the most important paradox. On the one hand, for a woman to gain trust in a man, he must earn it. But on the other hand, as practice shows, distrustful women attract men who are capable of meanness - treason, deceit, betrayal. Due to regularly repeated sad experiences, the situation worsens - instead of starting to understand themselves, ladies begin to show even more aggression and distrust of men - a vicious circle begins.

To break it, first of all you need to understand that the world is filled with a variety of men - good and evil, decent and not so decent, caring and indifferent. Therefore, if you come across only negative heroes on your way, look at yourself from the outside, at how you think and evaluate candidates. Perhaps at this stage you will need the help of a psychologist who will help you unearth internal problems and change your way of thinking.

Women who cannot trust men are victims whose self-esteem is based on external factors. Therefore, it will be very useful to realize your own value, which does not go away even after deception and betrayal by men. If a woman respects herself, loves and values, trusts herself, then she will definitely trust others. You need to learn to live here and now, without making illusory plans for your partner in the future - to evaluate a man based on his actions and deeds, giving an advance of trust in advance.

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Useful advice from psychologists

Psychologists are often asked for help to learn to trust family and loved ones. Sharing your experiences is a necessary human need. Psychologists advise the following:

• To trust others, you need to start trusting yourself. This concept includes accepting ourselves as we are, with all our shortcomings.
• Analyze the situation that caused distrust of others.
• We must learn to share our experiences with parents, partners or friends. You cannot isolate yourself and close yourself off if one of them did not listen to you under other circumstances. Only a truly adult person is able to accept this without offense and entrust them with their worries again.
• Speak out loud and write down on a piece of paper what prevents you from trusting others. Now try to refute these judgments. If you think that all store sellers cheat customers, remember the cases when they did the opposite. Our views are not always correct, and we see many things from the wrong angle.
• Don't be critical of others. Set yourself up in a positive way. Remember that everyone has the right to make mistakes. A single wrong act does not indicate a person’s meanness.
• You cannot control your loved ones and your partner. This shows your distrust of them. It’s hard for everyone to live in such an environment. They do not understand why they are not trusted and move away. The person who controls everyone is afraid to loosen control. We must give our relatives the freedom to make mistakes and be responsible for them themselves. Then they will know that they are trusted too.

To trust or not is the choice of each of us. You shouldn’t be gullible indiscriminately, it’s so easy to be deceived. You need to trust, within reason, close and dear people whose support is needed in difficult times.

Behavior of pistanthrophobia

No one wants pain, but if we lose the ability to trust, we lose the basis of any interpersonal relationship. The consequences for people with pistanthrophobia are not limited to emotions, but also extend to other areas of their lives: work, family and romantic relationships.

Their self-hypnosis causes them to become antisocial and isolationist. Some of these behaviors:

1. Avoidance of activities that involve close interpersonal contact.
2. Closed because they are afraid of criticism. There is an exaggerated fear of being judged, rejected or betrayed.
3. Don't attend events or meetings where they have to meet strangers they don't know will like.
4. They do not take risks that could compromise their emotions. They are very reluctant to communicate with other people. They feel afraid when it comes to opening up to others. For this reason, they sometimes seem lonely, withdrawn and even like “hermits”.
5. They avoid intimate relationships for fear of being disappointed again. They are reluctant to find a relationship again due to the risk that their trust will be misplaced again.

All of these consequences worsen the more emotionally involved a person with pistanthrophobia is with another.