You've probably encountered a situation where you don't want to fulfill a request, but for some reason you still sign up for it. You can easily explain this to yourself as friendship, sympathy for a person, but the problem arises when you have to step over yourself and your interests in favor of others. In this article, I, psychologist Daria Milai, will give advice on how to learn to say “no” to people correctly and not feel guilty.
Reasons for the inability to refuse
- Fear of offending the person asking for a favor by refusing. It is worth accepting the fact that there is absolutely nothing to be offended by in this situation. Who said that your personal plans are less important than the affairs of a friend or acquaintance? If you explain the reason for disagreement, there can be no question of dissatisfaction. You don't owe anyone anything.
- Fear of losing a good attitude towards oneself. In fact, if a person sincerely expresses his sympathy for you, your reluctance to fulfill the request cannot radically affect his opinion. On the contrary, when a demonstration of resentment occurs, you can judge that this is a manipulator.
- Fear of looking impolite. Such thoughts in most cases are the costs of education. Adults teach children that disobedience is bad. It is extremely important to learn to distinguish whether a person really needs your help or whether he is quite capable of coping with the problem on his own. If the former, then the decision rests solely with your conscience. If the latter, we are again talking about manipulation.
- Fear of getting rejected. If your friend is ready to help only in return, and not disinterestedly, you should think about whether communication with him is really so valuable.
- Low self-esteem. It happens that personal affairs seem less significant than the plans of others. Then you need to work on realizing your own worth.
Problem situations
In most cases, refusal is completely justified. You shouldn't work for free on your day off or watch a movie that annoys you.
However, saying “no” in a problematic situation is much more difficult.
Example 1. There is a corporate event planned at work, and you don’t like noisy companies and parties. On the one hand - your desire. On the other hand, friendship and team unity.
Example 2. You have not loved your spouse for a long time, but do not divorce because it is convenient (status, children, acquired property, common past). How to constantly deny him sexual intimacy, vacations together, and other everyday little things that irritate him in the absence of love?
Example 3. Who should you refuse: your parents who ask you to come over on the weekend and dig up the garden at their dacha, or your boss who offers you a good part-time job on the same days?
Sometimes situations seem hopeless, but not from a psychological point of view. In fact, everything is completely solvable. You need to learn how to set priorities correctly and act in accordance with them. Make a list of what is most important to you, in descending order of importance. For example:
- Family (wife, children).
- Parents.
- Health.
- Spiritual life.
- Job.
- Friends.
- Trips.
- Self improvement.
- Hobby.
- Personal comfort.
A person with such a list of priorities will not wonder how to refuse colleagues a corporate party, because they are more important to him than personal comfort. He will come to terms with the fact that there is no love in marriage, and will maintain the relationship for the sake of children and status, since the family comes first for him. And, of course, he will go to dig his parents’ garden and will probably find another way to earn extra money and be able to say “no” to his boss.
Consequences of trouble-free behavior
Wasting energy and time (which is always in short supply) on useless, unnecessary activities will definitely bring nothing but constant fatigue and missed opportunities. In addition, if you take on a task that you end up not being able to complete, you will feel a strong sense of guilt.
By putting aside your interests in favor of other people, you can ultimately make others understand that they can afford to be “consumers” in relation to you. In this case, help will be perceived as the norm, and refusal as an insult.
You look great, but I don't quite understand it
What to do if a friend bought a dress that, to put it mildly, doesn’t really suit her. Here the dilemma arises: “who is more friend” —
the one who will tell the truth, or the one who will say that she looks great in all her outfits?! This applies not only to appearance, but also to the choice of apartment, job and life partner, in the end.
But who are we to talk freely about fashion? If we were, for example, famous designers, then we could criticize and immediately offer several other options to choose from.
And if not? Then either tell it like it is, if you are confident in the adequacy of your girlfriend or boyfriend, or turn the arrows on some celebrity from the fashion world.
Why you need to be able to say “no”
Trouble-free individuals are considered weak-willed. Without the courage to defend your interests, it is impossible to gain respect in society. Eventually, your soft-heartedness will simply be exploited. To feel your integrity, you must find a balance between concession and your own desires. Of course, by constantly refusing, you risk spending your life completely alone. But when you have to step on the throat of your principles, you need to learn to defend them.
Often, a situation where we cannot refuse arises if, before giving an answer, we do not analyze the pros and cons, but act impulsively. In the end, such a decision will only benefit those who receive help.
Become a "broken record"
When people persistently ask for help, New York Times journalist Eric Barker recommends using the “broken record” technique. First, say that you cannot help the person. When he repeats the request, giving reasons and conditions for your agreement, repeat the original answer.
Don't get angry, don't be nervous, don't raise your voice. Calmly repeat the prepared phrase. This exercise will help you develop perseverance, which is useful in all areas of life. The main thing is not to give the manipulator a chance to persuade you to take unwanted actions.
Tips: how to say “no” correctly and beautifully, defend your opinion and not offend a person
First of all, it is necessary to accept that everyone has the right to refuse any offer or fulfillment of a request.
Algorithm for polite refusal
- Demonstrate your attitude to the situation. This could be irritation, wariness, regret, or lack of interest. It is important to express the emotion that has arisen in order to prepare the interlocutor for the subsequent response.
- Clearly, but without aggression, say the word “No.”
- State the reasons why you are refusing. Don't make up excuses. If you simply don't want to do it, say so. Your opponent should also respect your interests.
- Suggest another solution to the problem.
- If the person asking begins to insist and persuade you, listen to him and repeat why you will not perform the service. At the same time, there should be no uncertainty in your voice.
What you need to consider in order to learn to say “no”, and how to refuse people without offending them - psychology
Understand that anyone can put themselves in your position just as you would. If you hear any signs of resentment or aggression in response to a refusal, think about whether you want to contact a person who absolutely does not respect your interests.
Psychologist Daria Milai
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Don't let others stop you from achieving your goals. When a request interferes with the execution of your important plans, you do not need to sacrifice yourself for the needs of another. After weighing the significance of your affairs and the tasks of the person asking for the favor, make a decision that will not harm you.
To learn to refuse, you need to clearly define your life priorities. For example, consciously put comfort in the sphere of relationships in first place, self-realization in second place, and relaxation and entertainment in third place. Then you will be able to focus on these values when a controversial situation arises.
Find your determination and work on improving your self-esteem. Always understand the motives of the person asking, evaluate how important his request is for you too. Confidently express your point of view to your opponent. At the same time, speak from “I”, briefly but succinctly justifying your position. Showing signs of uncertainty is extremely undesirable, because the interlocutor will easily seize on your doubts and lead you to another “yes”. Be firm and concise, leaving no room for escape or persuasion.
If you are once again scared, not remembering how to say “no”, record this moment and analyze it. Why did it happen? What thoughts were in your head? What emotions did you experience? How do you look at the situation now? What should have been done? Can you still refuse the responsibility you have taken on now?
Benefits of giving up
- You don't waste energy. Stop wasting your internal resources, which are not so easy to replenish, on activities that have no value for you. Having learned to cut off unnecessary things in a timely manner, you will be able to organize your day more productively and effectively and devote the freed up time to your development.
- You achieve a balanced life. There are days when you feel like you could have done more. And this applies not only to work: each of the areas of life needs to be given enough attention, without focusing on any one. By saying “no” to additional work or other items that are outside your plan, you can establish this balance.
- You do not lose power over your own existence. By staying in control of every situation, you don't let other people control your life. As a result, self-confidence and level of self-esteem increases.
- You can build relationships based on the reaction to your refusal. Needing constant approval from others is not doing you any good. Think about how you would react if your request was denied? Will you be disappointed? Long-term relationships are possible only with mutual respect for the interests of each party.
Suggest an alternative
One of the easiest ways to refuse a person is to offer him an alternative in the form of feasible help. At the same time, you don’t need to completely take on other people’s problems.
The “consolation prize” offered must be truly useful to the opponent. It could be:
- link to an article or book;
- specialist contacts;
- recommendations for completing a particular task;
- sample report with which you are asked to help.
It is not worth offering something just because of remorse. The main goal is to be useful, not to feel less guilty.
We must learn to say “no”: 7 best ways
- Show the person asking for the favor that you are currently completely focused on another task that you need to complete by a specific deadline. If in general you don't mind helping him, designate another time when you can return to this issue.
- Explain that you are currently overwhelmed with work and simply physically cannot find a “window” to fulfill the request efficiently. It is unlikely that he will be satisfied with the “fuck off” option of help.
- Express your refusal with the phrase: “I would like to help you out, but, unfortunately, I can’t do it right now.” It is not always necessary to explain your intentions. This way you will show that you are not ready to share all the circumstances of your personal life; set the boundaries of your private space.
- Ask for time to think about the offer. Let your interlocutor know that you will think about it and make a decision later. This way you can analyze what is happening, weigh everything and respond not impulsively, but rationally.
- Be upfront about how consent doesn't align with your priorities.
- The phrase “I’m sorry, but you turned to the wrong person for this” is also effective. You don't have to have an inexhaustible supply of experience, skills and knowledge to do any job. Sometimes it really is worth finding a more competent specialist.
- Share with the person asking that you are currently working on your ability to say “no” to things that make you uncomfortable. You can only be praised for such a desire.
Take a time out
When an opponent insists on the importance of a request, many people say “yes” under pressure. Without thinking and weighing the situation, they agree to additional work, unwanted dates and other inconveniences. It is not worth allowing such a development of events.
You are not required to respond to all inquiries and requests immediately. Release the pressure and think carefully about the issue. This is what Patty Brightman, the author of the bestselling book How to Say No Without Remorse, recommends. According to an American psychologist, you can gain time in this case by replacing a direct refusal with the phrase:
- I need to think.
- I'll check my schedule and respond later.
- First I have to discuss everything with my spouse (partner, colleagues).
- I'm busy and will call you back in a few minutes.
Say these phrases in a polite, affirmative tone. This will help cool down your opponent’s ardor and give you time to assess the situation.
How to Learn to Say No Without Feeling Guilty: Pexels
Types of failure
In psychology, there are several other options for politely and convincingly refusing a request.
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Frank
If you don’t have any justified reason for disagreement, there is no need to come up with excuses and justifications. You can briefly and clearly say: “I’m not interested in this,” “I won’t be able to find time for this.” If your opponent begins to persuade you, be persistent, defend your position until the person asking realizes that he should turn to someone else.
Sympathetic
This method is suitable when communicating with people who are accustomed to putting pressure on compassion. If you do not want to spoil a warm relationship with such a person, show your concern about the problem: “I’m really sorry, but I can’t help.”
Reasonable
This approach involves explaining the real reason that prevents you from agreeing to the service. Keep it short and to the point.
Deferred
If you know you're prone to making impulsive decisions, ask for a delay to think about your response. Tell them you'll respond later when you've reviewed your plans.
Compromise
You may not refuse at all, but offer your own conditions under which the request will be fulfilled. If they suit your interlocutor, agree. This method will allow both of you to remain in an advantageous position.
Diplomatic
Try to find a different solution to the problem together. For example: “Today I have a lot of other plans, perhaps tomorrow you will need my help?”
We consolidate the acquired knowledge
Friends, if you want to continue to develop and take your communication skills with people to a new level, I recommend that you take the online course “Effective Communication” from the famous training platform “Vikium”. The course lasts 30 days, it includes 33 video lectures, 26 exercises, 6 tests.
This course will teach you:
- Manage your emotions
- Communicate more effectively with your surroundings
- Overcome difficult emotional situations
- Manage conflicts
- Understand the other person's feelings and thoughts on a deeper level
- Build harmonious relationships
The author of the course is Oleg Kalinichev. Expert in nonverbal behavior, emotional intelligence and lie detection. Accredited trainer PaulEkman International. Managing Director of PaulEkman International in Russia (PEI Russia).
Now let’s return to the topic of the article and discuss another important point.
How to learn to politely say “no” to someone: 6 steps
By doing something that you don’t want to pay attention to, you are serving others while depriving yourself. Right today, from this moment, start mastering the skill of refusal so that everyone remains with their own area of responsibility. To do this, use the action diagram described below.
Train your brain
If you are used to constantly pleasing others and rarely think about your own interests, first let your mind adapt to the skill of refusal. Let your mind get used to the word “no”: repeat it out loud more often, use it in extended phrases. Rehearse various options for declining requests to get rid of unnecessary fears and anxiety.
Ask a question
To switch to a new worldview, practice and habit are needed. Having expressed an illusory refusal 80 times, you can easily voice it in a real situation, since for the brain it will no longer cause resistance.
Little denial
Practice on small things and with those people who are not difficult to refuse. These should be situations after which you will definitely not be tormented by a feeling of guilt, because they practically do not entail damage to others. But, having gained experience in small refusals and understood how not to offend a person, you can prepare for more serious decisions.
Track the moment
Whenever you need to decide something, allow yourself to pause and analyze what is happening. Remember your goal of learning to say “no” and understand what answer will be favorable based on your aspirations.
If it suddenly seems to you that your judgments are somewhat selfish, think about whether the behavior of others towards you is selfishness. Listen to your desires: agree when you want it, refuse otherwise. You only have one life and it's up to you to decide what to do with it.
Stop pleasing others
Realize that you have personal boundaries and principles that people you know should not cross. Be prepared that if you stop being good to everyone, you will lose some people from your environment who will not agree to adapt to your metamorphoses. And this is great: you will see for whom you really represent value as a person, and who just liked to take advantage of you.
The ability to say “no” makes you extremely inconvenient to others. They will probably point out to you that you have become completely different, it has become more difficult to communicate, and so on. Just ignore these attempts to make you soft, flexible and obsequious again. There is no point in living for people if you do not want to lose your own individuality and integrity. Let society know who you really are, what your values, principles, desires and interests are. Show us what you can do.
Be strong, unwavering and decisive.
How to learn how to properly refuse people’s requests and say “no”: start respecting yourself
Remember: every time you refuse someone, you come to an agreement with yourself. You definitely deserve to act based on your needs, and not the demands of society.
Self-love is the basis of any stage of development. Unfortunately, it is beneficial for society to make it easier for a person to be pushed around, controlled and used for its own purposes, so the desire to love one’s own “I” has been mixed with the concept of “selfishness.” In fact, selfish people do not just act within their own interests, but manipulate others for their own good. And to love yourself means to feel valuable, significant and worthy of more.
Become an independent person
Refuse to play the victim. Learn to interact with the surrounding space, feeling like a full and important part of it. To do this, sign up for my consultation and take a big step towards a new stage in your development.
What phrases to use to competently refuse?
So, if you still decide to say no, then you need to do it firmly and without hesitation. The following formulations are very suitable:
- “I refuse because... this will cause me a lot of inconvenience”;
- “I’m sure you can cope with this without my help”;
- “Now it will be extremely inconvenient for me to help with this”;
- “It looks like you just don’t want to bother yourself”;
- "No. To perform this work, it is better to contact ... (taxi driver, loader, plumber, etc.)"
- "I do not want to do this";
- "I don't have time for this."
So, these 7 formulations maintain the optimal balance between politeness and sufficient categoricalness, and at the same time, simple enough to refuse an inconvenient request. But in fact, what you say is not so important, what matters most is how. The main thing is that the confidence and firmness in your decision is obvious to the interlocutor, and his attempts to persuade you are not crowned with success. I think this is all clear. Now let's look at a few important rules that will help you learn to refuse without experiencing moral discomfort.
