Hello friends. Pavel Butor is in touch, and today I will try to open your eyes to things that we sometimes don’t even think about. But if you don’t correct this in yourself, then you can live your whole life in suffering. Yes, yes, in this article we will talk about how to stop being offended by people, and why exactly this bad habit can put a big end to the path to success.
FULL LIST OF BAD HABITS
What is resentment
From a psychological point of view, resentment is a person’s emotional reaction to the action of another person. Moreover, this reaction is negative and subjective. So, someone does not react to the same event at all, but someone feels like a “wave has rolled in.” It can be controlled: accepted with all the ensuing consequences or ignored.
Touchiness is an acquired character trait. It is completely absent in children. Although many will argue, telling how funny their baby “pouts”. But this is just an imitation of adults. At first. Subsequently, the child quickly learns to manipulate others, causing the offender to feel guilty and getting what he wants.
Resentment is revenge on oneself.
Often the roots of excessive touchiness lie in childhood. Parents do not explain to the child the essence of the phenomenon, the correct reaction, and possible consequences. They feel sorry for the offended child and indulge his whims. Children without experience in overcoming negativity grow up to be immature individuals. They do not take responsibility and are dependent on the opinions of other people. The slightest discomfort in life entails bitterness and anger.
Resentment is an abstract phenomenon. It doesn't exist on its own. It cannot be touched or measured. Its birth is spontaneous: manifested in changes in appearance (pallor, rounded eyes), physiological indicators (pulse, blood pressure). Next, the choice is up to the offended: to succumb to emotions, harboring hatred, or to overcome stress without consequences for the relationship.
In the first case, the resentment takes on the characteristics of the person in whom it has settled. She runs his life, makes decisions, and hatches plans for revenge. The victim is deprived of his will, mentally replaying the situation over and over again, experiencing aching pity for himself. The appearance changes: the calm face becomes gloomy, “eternally dissatisfied.” So the person himself becomes the embodiment of resentment.
You are often offended. Look within yourself for the reason.
Maybe you have noticed that when you are dissatisfied, you are in a bad mood, then everyone treats you badly - the salesman in the store was rude, you stepped on your foot on the bus, your boss scolded you at work, and you are offended by them because They do this to you, it would seem unfair, because you haven’t done anything bad to them in particular. But in fact, the people around you are just like mirrors reflecting your attitude towards yourself, it is you who scold yourself, and on a mental, intuitive level, those around you also scold you, they are also dissatisfied with you.
For example, if a girl considers herself ugly, then those around her will intuitively feel and express their thoughts to her about her appearance, hint to her that she needs to change her wardrobe, hair color, or go to a cosmetologist.
If we love ourselves and accept ourselves as we are, and do not scold ourselves for mistakes, for weaknesses, then the people around us will treat us friendly, because we will radiate joy, and people subconsciously feel this.
So, if someone did something bad to you, offended you in some way, then you don’t need to be offended by it, we ourselves provoked this person’s behavior with our negative thoughts, because thoughts always materialize, sometimes through other people. We need to understand how we provoked his behavior towards us, change the root cause in ourselves, forgive the “offender” and thank him for his valuable life lesson. And your resentment will immediately be replaced by positive emotions.
Why does resentment arise?
Many people feel pain from the words and actions of people. There is nothing reprehensible here. The question is the degree and duration of the reaction. For example, I am a touchy person. Even too much. I hope I manage to analyze and correct the situation. In my opinion, there are three reasons for the wounded reaction.
Immature personality
Claims against offenders arise from infantile people with an inadequate assessment of themselves. Either it seems to them that they are being neglected, or, on the contrary, they are being shouldered with an exorbitant burden. This is typical for people who are insecure and often self-centered. Like a child who has grown up but still thinks the world revolves around him.
Selfishness does not allow you to enter into someone else's position, not to get angry at every occasion. An adult in the position of a child requires constant proof of his own importance. They just “want”, they cannot make mistakes, so they blame others for everything. They avoid responsibility. They do not want to forgive, they are vindictive. Being good manipulators, they harass others in order to achieve personal goals.
Damaged pride
When treated with disrespect, our pride suffers. Frequent criticism, ridicule, and teasing cause irritation and annoyance. Discontent grows, provoking a painful reaction to the next attacks of others. A person is uncomfortable with this state. The reason may be inflated self-esteem or emotional insecurity.
Insult is an unexpected source of insult, undisguised aggression, a targeted thrust with a sword. It touches a nerve and hurts greatly. As a rule, it generates a lightning-fast reaction: rudeness or tears. The offended person experiences stress and is overwhelmed by emotions. An offensive word brings pain and suffering. Apologizing to the offender can smooth the consequences.
While we haven’t gone far, I immediately recommend that you take a look at the materials on how to stop crying and how to stop whining.
Unjustified expectations
We all tend to hope. Make plans, imagine a happy future. This is good, positive. But there is another side to the coin. It happens that we draw pictures of upcoming events, but they turn out to be not so rosy, sometimes quite the opposite. Disappointment sets in, the desire to blame a loved one for failure, to be offended.
The girl gave her groom a parachute jump, but he is afraid of heights. The wife prepared a delicious dinner, and the husband ate at work. The parents saw their son as a doctor, and he entered the construction industry. Ultimately, failure to achieve the desired result leads to dissatisfaction. Irritation grows and complaints are voiced. It's time to hold a grudge.
Don't lose your awareness
What you shouldn't do in life is lose your composure in stressful situations. You must always be aware of where you are and what you are doing. If what you are doing now is not bringing you any benefit or moving you towards your goal, then you are living your life in vain. There is no benefit to be gained from resenting another person. By being offended by a relative or friend, you are, at best, marking time, and at worst, you are degrading. If you constantly repeat to yourself the phrase: “I have control over the situation in which I am now,” then no one in the whole world will be able to offend you. Therefore, try to observe your actions from the outside, so as not to become part of the game called “Resentment.”
Dangerous consequences of touchiness
Resentment is a destructive feeling. Aggression directed inwards. It poisons, corrodes, and makes you depressed. Tying his master hand and foot, he directs all his attention to emotional experiences. The offended person dwells on his offense, thinks about it, considers it from different angles. His character is spoiling. He becomes nervous, capricious, and vindictive.
Being offended and indignant is like drinking poison in the hope that it will kill your enemies. Nelson Mandela
Illusions replace adequate perception. A person expects someone to take responsibility, to regret it, to fix everything. Relationships between close people deteriorate. Children are alienated from their parents, friendships are upset. Few people will tolerate whining, accusations, and rudeness for a long time.
Once settled in the soul, initially trivial grievances grow. Living under stress leads to very real health problems. Mental disorders, cardiovascular diseases, oncology are only some of the possible complications.
It is difficult for touchy people to build a career. They are not liked in the team, they are ignored - no one wants to feel guilty. The bosses do not entrust them with important tasks, subconsciously or quite consciously not wanting to adapt to the “difficult character” of the subordinate. How to point out shortcomings to an employee if he is offended? A constructive approach in this case is impossible.
Parable
One day a resident of a small town came to the Sage.
“Sage, why are you always in a good mood? Why are you never angry and have excellent health? – the man asked. “Teach me this.”
“Okay,” answered the Sage. - Every time you are offended, put one raw potato in the bag. Always carry this package with you.”
After some time, the townsman returned to the Sage with a heavy, foul-smelling package.
“I did as you told me,” he turned to the Sage, “but I no longer have the strength to carry this load. People avoid me, I can’t do my job, the smell has made me ill.”
“Now you see,” said the Sage, “what happens to you when you are offended. Your soul, like this package, is filled with the poison of resentment. And only you can decide whether you need this cargo.”
How to stop being offended
If a person is very touchy and “sulks” over trifles, it is unlikely that he will be able to stop being offended just like that. First of all, this is a lot of work. But the main thing that needs to be understood is that everything is in our hands! We have instilled this feeling in ourselves - we have to get it out of there. It will resist and resort to tricks. We must work until the bitter end.
The first thing to do is to honestly recognize the problem. Recognize that you have reacted incorrectly to certain life events. See the tendency to be overly touchy. Trace the response feelings to unpleasant actions and words of people. Perhaps some pattern will emerge. What bothers us? Rudeness, unfulfilled desires?
No one can hurt you without your consent. Mahatma Gandhi
Always, in all areas, work on developing adequate mature self-esteem. Read, go to the theater, to exhibitions, play sports. Get unusual skills, travel. Protect your receptive nature, shift your attention.
Learn to clearly describe your desires. Don't hide, avoid understatement. Listen to others, delve into their problems, try to understand and help. Forgive your offenders, eradicate self-pity by all means.
How can you not be offended by people, friends, loved ones, parents? Try the following methods.
On other people
- Abstract yourself from the situation. Look at it from the outside, as if it doesn’t concern you at all. The conflict is separate, you are separate - everyone has their own path.
- Imagine how you will feel about current disagreements as time passes. Will they be relevant to you? Most likely no. Then why waste precious health on them?
- Take criticism constructively. Use it to improve your results, nothing more. Don't get too personal. If you did something wrong from the point of view of the critic, it is your right to agree or not. Make your choice, stay calm.
On friends
- Imagine your friend as a small child. You know him so well, it won't be difficult. Are children offended?
- Put yourself in your friend's shoes. What is he experiencing, does he want to offend you? Remember his positive qualities, show sympathy. Everyone has the right to make mistakes.
- Hear what they want to tell you. Don't cling to individual harsh words. Tune in to the meaning of the statements. This is how they can attract your attention and ask for help.
For a loved one
- Talk to your loved one. Tell him directly about your dissatisfaction. Listen to his arguments, find a compromise. Agree on a “red line” that none of you should cross.
- Accept your lover for who he is. People do not change. Quarrels and confrontations will not change another person, they will only poison life, making it unbearable.
- Don't build castles in the air, be reasonable in your expectations. Take some of the responsibility upon yourself, make efforts to achieve results, then they will bring joy.
For parents
All parents wish their children happiness. They devote their lives to them, give them love, care, attention. Despite this, family relationships can be difficult. As children grow up, they hold grudges against their mothers and fathers. Without getting rid of the heavy burden, the child will not find happiness. His children, in turn, will not be happy either.
Understanding the importance of parents will help break the vicious circle. Accepting their mistakes, mitigating, understanding. Resentment will be replaced by gratitude, which will turn into a feeling of guilt for one’s own hard-heartedness. Sincere repentance will free the soul and fill life with colors. Call your loved ones, talk, meet.
Learn to take responsibility for your actions
Only those people who do not know how to accept responsibility for their own actions cry from resentment. Do you think it’s not your fault that someone close to you offended you? How guilty! After all, you could simply ignore these words. And now, instead of engaging in self-development, you are shedding tears into your pillow and looking for an answer to the question of why life is so unfair. Some time will pass and you will realize that the reason for the offense was actually quite petty, but the time spent cannot be returned.
You should understand that life can be very cruel. Anything can happen. However, some people continue to move towards their intended goal, despite the difficulties that arise, while others remain in place and try to find an excuse for themselves. Understand that resentment will not lead to anything good. Even if a person apologizes for his actions and promises to improve, this is unlikely to make you feel much better. Steel is hardened under high temperature. In real life, the role of temperature is played by various everyday situations that can break you or harden you, like a steel blade.
A few useful things to help you
There are many good projects online that help you become better, smarter, learn to communicate, and overcome inhibitions. There are also some among them that are simply necessary for very touchy people.
In almost every article on psychology, I recommend to readers the Vikium project - it offers various courses, many free programs, tests, and simulators. Below I will briefly describe what may be useful to touchy people.
Before offering courses to your attention, I recommend these two simulators:
- Emotional intelligence test - you will practice identifying types of emotions, you will be able to better understand the range of your feelings in different situations. When you are clearly aware of what you feel, you can move on to working specifically on these feelings.
- The “Identification of Emotions” simulator is the same, but the format is slightly different. It is advisable to exercise on this simulator regularly. You will learn not only to understand yourself better, but also to easily recognize the feelings of other people.
Both simulators are free, go through as many times as you want.
Course "Emotional Intelligence"
Description : This course is about emotions in general, not just resentment. Teachers will teach you how to understand yourself correctly. You will learn where the roots of each emotion are, learn to compare your reactions to the world around you with the reactions of other people.
What I like about this course is that the teachers talk about the subconscious basis of every emotion. For example, what causes anger, is depression or panic attacks due to external reasons only. When you complete the training, you will learn how to properly reflect, analyze yourself, and not be led by emotions.
I think it will immediately become easier for you to communicate with your family, build relationships, and move up your career ladder. And most importantly, you will become happier and calmer.
Author : Oleg Kalinichev (director of Paul Ekman's company in Russia).
Cost : 1,490 rub.
Find out more and sign up
Brain detoxification course
Description : Remember what was going on in your head the last time you were offended. Most likely, you have replayed the situation that caused offense several times, “listened” to the words spoken, and tried to respond somehow. These chaotic thoughts were running through your head and you couldn't stop them.
This is the case with most negative emotions. But most often - with resentment or fear. “Brain detoxification” will help you “cleanse” your head of emotional toxins, learn to concentrate on the positive, and smile. You will become stronger mentally, you will know how to “push away” stress from yourself.
The course is relatively small, including only 10 lessons. The material is only practical, no tedious theory. There are many exercises that you can use on your own in the future when someone tries to throw you off balance. Course format: reading text, video and audio materials.
Author : Victor Shiryaev (specialist in developmental psychology).
Cost : 1,490 rub.
Find out more and sign up
Course "Effective Communication"
Description : I recommend it to anyone who suffers from resentment, misunderstanding, or inability to build communication. And also for those who still do not have relationships filled with happiness in their lives.
Classes last exactly one month, the curator maintains contact with each student, answers questions and comments. Additionally, webinars are held with practicing psychologists and personal development specialists.
The teacher promises to help everyone who suffers from the words and actions of others. You will know how to control your emotions, how to respond correctly to those who want to humiliate or offend you, how to build constructive communication with colleagues, bosses, friends, and children. If you want to learn how to influence people, lead them, and not just be followed, this is the place for you too.
In each block of lessons, you will first listen to a video lecture, then complete a practical task, discuss it in a webinar with the teacher and other students, and take a test. When you complete the course completely, you will receive a certificate that can be attached to your portfolio.
If within 7 days you decide not to continue your studies, the administration will return the money in full.
Author : Oleg Kalinichev.
Cost : 1,490 rub. for the self-study rate, RUB 2,490. for a tariff with the support of a curator. I recommend the second one, don’t skimp on yourself.
Find out more and sign up
Another very interesting thing is the neural interface from Vikium. This device allows you to analyze electrical fluctuations in the brain during different emotional states: anger, resentment, joy, melancholy. The neurointerface will transfer the material to your computer, from it you will transfer it to Vikium, the site will tell you exactly what you feel, how harmful or dangerous it is for the body as a whole, what to do to replace “bad” vibrations with “good” ones.
That's all for now. If you personally know good training programs, courses and simulators, please tell us about them in the comments, I will add to the article.
Don't take everything to heart
“Never mind” - this expression has become so cliched that we have stopped thinking about its true meaning. Unfortunately, words depreciate over time if you do not think about their essence from time to time. How often do we try to apologize to another person, but he simply tells us: “Never mind,” while being deeply offended. Because of such personalities, we then simply stop believing other people, and such expressions become consonant with the message to go to hell.
However, we really shouldn't take offense to heart. Don't load your head with thoughts that shouldn't be there. With a high degree of probability, the person who offended you probably simply did not know how you would react to it. Few people have the intention of offending everyone they meet. However, even in this case, you can take the spoken words as a joke, and then forget about them as something of little significance.
