Still, how to talk to people correctly, the psychology of this issue is extremely important. The fact is that our whole life, if we look at it honestly, is woven from communication. 90% of the human body consists of water, and in the same way our whole life consists of 90% communication.
We communicate with loved ones at home, we communicate with friends on vacation. We communicate at work with our colleagues, bosses, and employees. We communicate with clients, we communicate with sellers. We communicate with complete strangers.
We communicate with a person whom we really like. We communicate with a person who simply infuriates us. We communicate, communicate, communicate... And sometimes communication makes us happy, and sometimes it makes us sad. Our whole life is communication.
There are important things about communication, about how to communicate correctly. They will come in handy when communicating with completely different people. Anyone who knows these rules and knows how to skillfully apply them becomes much more successful and happy. And this person becomes head and shoulders above those around him.
And we will start with the most obvious rule. So basic that sometimes they completely forget about it.
The forgotten skill of communicating with people
The first most important thing is the skill of communicating with people, which has been forgotten in our civilization. Being here and now is what is constantly overlooked. It is very important, extremely important, when a person, for example, drives a car. Because if his thoughts flew away somewhere - boom! Accident. And it’s good if the accident is minor: scratched or something else. What if something serious?
It often happened that I was not present at lectures at the institute: I woke up during the break. It was very difficult to listen to lectures and, in the end, I was finally convinced that sleeping on a pillow was much more comfortable than on hard desks.
Surely you also have examples when someone was not present during communication.
This often happens at school, for example, Sidorov sits and thinks about girls. And then the teacher lifts him up from his seat: “Repeat to me Sidorov, what did I just say?” Ah... But Sidorov cannot repeat it, because in his mind he was at that time on the beach with the girls.
There is also a situation when a person tells something, and the other person is in the clouds somewhere. This can often be observed when a couple walks: a husband and wife, and the woman tells how her day went, that she can buy such and such a locker, and so on. And he said to her: uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh...
And if you ask him, “What, dear, did I just tell you?”, he: uh-uh... This is a specific problem in communication. When such a situation occurs, the person is not there. And, accordingly, there simply cannot be communication. Such a bummer.
This is actually the most basic thing.
What kind of interesting interlocutors are they?
It turned out that an interesting interlocutor is a person who has three key traits:
- The ability to listen.
- The ability to improvise.
- Love for life.
Let's take it in order. By “listening ability,” experts mean a keen interest in another . People love to talk about themselves. But if everyone is focused only on their own person, it is unlikely that an interesting, rich conversation will begin between people.
The golden rule: one speaks, the other listens.
The ability to improvise is the ability to maintain a conversation on any topic . Flights to Mars, Fitzgerald's early work, North Korean foreign policy - you cannot know in advance what interests your opponent. But you don't need to. If his sphere of interests does not come into contact with yours, but you are interested in this person, it is enough to say, “I don’t know anything about this, but I’m very interested. Tell me more!”
And this is where the ability to love life and take an active interest in it will come in handy. Simply put, stay curious. Read, watch movies, scroll through the news. Develop in those areas that make you burn. This will make you attractive to others, and at the same time tell you how to communicate with them.
View and rules of communication with people
The second thing in the rules of communication with people is your gaze, the perception of your interlocutor through the eyes. Just look at each other, note what mood the potential interlocutor is in, or something else. Because this is not enough, just to be here, eyes, they are also intended for something.
One of my friends, at one time he could not communicate looking into the eyes. He kept walking away from it and grumbling while looking at his phone. I don’t know what he was doing on that phone, maybe he was playing tic-tac-toe or naval battle - I didn’t spy.
It was a little strange. But it was simply difficult for him to communicate, so he ran to the phone. And when he finally got out of his gadget, it turned out that he was a cool guy, he was looking at you, and communication went much easier.
When, for example, there is some kind of quarrel, you can see a husband and wife looking in different directions. They don’t look at each other, they don’t want to - it’s hard to communicate. A person who makes you angry doesn’t want to look at him in a painful way.
Not just being here, but also perceiving your interlocutor is important. It’s not for nothing that there are video calls in which you can not only hear the person, but also see them.
Emotions, things that cannot be expressed in words - they are read in a person and it is very, very important for people to see each other. And this also doesn’t just happen sometimes. When a person is angry, or you are embarrassed, or he is so formidable, the boss is so serious... By the way, a person in anger perceives a look as aggression - you need to be more careful here.
Or when there is such a beauty that a person is not even worthy of at all, so he has no right to even look at her. And if he doesn’t look at her, then how can he propose to her? Just like that, he turns away from her and says: “Let’s go to the registry office.” What it is?
This is the second very important rule.
Causes of communication difficulties
Why is it so difficult for us to start talking to strangers, establish communication in a new company, or even feel comfortable in a familiar group?
The reasons often come from childhood and adolescence. Parental “don’t talk nonsense”, painful speeches at the school board, ridicule from classmates - all this invariably leaves an imprint and creates difficulties in communications already in adulthood.
Due to low self-esteem, lack of self-confidence, or even problems with diction (for example, stuttering, defects in the pronunciation of sounds and letters, etc.), many fears arise:
- to be ridiculed, misunderstood;
- make a mistake, say something wrong;
- to tell your opinion;
- cause general disapproval, be rejected, not accepted.
An insecure person is constantly worried about what others will think of him, whether they will like him, and how they will treat him. Thus, his attention is concentrated around himself, his problems and shortcomings.
It is generally accepted that introverts, whose mental state is directed towards the inner world, most often experience difficulties in social communications.
But as I already stated at the very beginning of the article, every person with any experience and with any psychotype can learn to communicate without experiencing discomfort.
Let's see how to do this.
What is the real art of communicating with people?
The third thing is not very simple - this is the real art of communicating with people. And this is important in any conversation - this is a certain sense of tact on the one hand, and on the other hand - an understanding that we are all far from ideal. For example, a wife may know perfectly well what infuriates her significant other. For example: “Ahhh, you never hung up that shelf!”
And he simply has an aversion to these shelves. He knows it himself, and he kicks himself for not hanging her. And she still adds heat, pours salt into the wound. This can drive him into a white heat. And in some cases, she does this on purpose - she makes her husband angry on purpose.
For example, a man during a conversation says something that is unpleasant for a woman. He swears, for example. This is wrong, of course, you should behave like a gentleman with ladies. At the same time, people often do this not intentionally, not at all in order to specifically harm their interlocutor.
Often this happens because he did not think that this might be unpleasant to his interlocutor. He’s a man, he knows things about himself, but not so much about others, he can’t get into his head. Therefore, it happens that you step on someone else’s sore spot - not knowing what you are doing.
In such a situation, it is highly recommended to count to 10, and then tell him: “Vasya, please, don’t swear.” This may work a little better than a tantrum.
This rule is to count to 10 - it is definitely good. However, not everyone will succeed without training, because people are different, situations are different: someone yells, screams, stamps their feet, someone whines, cries, another lies down, recovering from drinking.
And this is not the most serious thing. So there are different situations when the communication that another person gives you simply infuriates him. To be a person who can withstand serious loads, there are special trainings. They require time and effort, and you need to know where they are carried out.
And if you don’t have such an opportunity to pump yourself up properly, then try to count to 10. It won't always work out, especially at first. But water wears away stones. This will come back to you in that people will appreciate you. Very, very strong. Because you don’t immediately yell, don’t be rude, but explain in a human way what’s what. Don't blame him.
“Vasya, swearing in the company of men is the right thing to do. If you don’t swear, they will look at you as if you’re not a man. And now we have a date, evening, romance. And I want to hear pleasant, gentle, beautiful words from you.”
And he can really hear you. After all, you are not teaching him to live, but simply explaining him in a human way. You talk about your callus, and at the same time you do not step on his callus. After all, this guy, and any of us, really likes making mistakes and being wrong.
This applies to diseased calluses.
Oratory
How to learn to speak competently
Do not neglect reading good literature - give preference to the classic works of Dostoevsky, Pasternak, Tolstoy or other famous writers. Gradually you will learn to construct sentences correctly and enrich your vocabulary.
Train your memory - memorize interesting quatrains or passages from books. This will help you in the ability to express thoughts beautifully - now you will not try to frantically remember some word that would be appropriate in your phrase, but was forgotten.
How to develop good speech
Go to a bookstore and ask the clerk to recommend a book on public speaking. A reference book on speech culture would also be useful. It is worth noting that various rhetoric classes are quite popular now, both for children and adults. Also, we should not forget about video lessons, which are present in abundance on the Internet.
There are many fun and good exercises that will help you develop your speech. Every day, choose one word (verb or noun) for yourself. During the day, try to select various synonyms and antonyms for the chosen word. For example, your choice fell on the word “attractive”. Synonyms – beautiful, pleasant, delightful, attractive, etc. Antonyms – ugly, ugly, unpleasant, etc.
There is another interesting exercise. Turn your gaze to any object that at first glance may seem completely uninteresting - it could be an iron, a watch, a cup, a slipper, etc. Now you need to describe this item for 3 minutes, talking about its purpose, advantages and disadvantages - do not repeat yourself in the characteristics. The next day, choose another item and increase the description a little to 5 minutes. Throughout the week, if you have free time, do this exercise at least once a day, and you will notice how positively it will affect your speech.
Learn to express your thoughts beautifully and culturally
It is almost impossible to achieve a beautiful speech if it contains slang or, even worse, swear words. You may think that using such words will give your speech a special charm, but, as a rule, this is not at all the case. Many people are simply put off by obscene expressions, and not everyone understands the meaning of slang words.
Watch what and how you say, do not clutter your speech with uncultured words, because this way you can create the wrong impression of yourself. It is important to be able to highlight in your story what the listener should pay special attention to. There is no need to delve into unnecessary details and start with long prefaces - this may only be interesting to you, but boring to your interlocutor.
You can practice conveying the essence of your story. Write some exciting story that happened to you that you would like to share with someone. Re-read your text. Now look, what sentences can be removed from the story so that it does not lose its original meaning and conveys the main thing to the listener? Thus, do this every time - remove the unnecessary in correspondence and leave the important. Gradually, this skill will appear in “live” speech.
Learning to speak Russian quickly
To learn to speak quickly, try starting with speed reading. It is important to note that we are talking about reading aloud. Read a couple of paragraphs with expression, at a normal pace - note how much time it took you. Next time, try to speed up a little until you achieve the desired result. Even when reading quickly, it is necessary to maintain clarity of pronunciation - no “swallowed” endings or incorrect accents. Also pay attention to expressiveness.
The ability to speak quickly can be very useful, but there is no use for using it unless absolutely necessary in everyday life. Many people do not like it when their interlocutor chatters; they do not have time to grasp the meaning of the spoken phrase and communication becomes quite problematic.
How to talk to people with your ears - the psychology of listening
The next important thing in any communication is delivery. Getting your message across to people. It often happens that a person says something indistinctly or not loudly enough - he simply cannot be heard.
This has probably happened to you when the connection on the phone is bad and it starts to irritate. The person can’t hear well; he has to repeat the same thing several times. He asks you to come to the window, and you have been standing at the window for so long, you even went out onto the balcony to make out what he was drilling there. Yes, I’m already at the window, on the other side! Raise your own... 5th point!
Messages are not being received. And as a result, relationships deteriorate, even love can suddenly become shipwrecked if one of the lovers does not convey something important to the other in time. To prevent this from happening, you need to try to convey your idea to your interlocutor.
Convey to him clearly, loudly enough. And such things as emotions: you don’t always need to say something rudely, for example. At the same time, different emotions are needed in a given situation. There really are no bad emotions, but emotions should be used appropriately. Just like the volume of your voice: sometimes you need to yell for a person to hear you.
Somehow, a friend and I began to conflict, but the common intention was to work together, and therefore we talked through some sensitive moments, it turned out that no one wanted to put a noose around the other’s neck and friendship was restored. It even somehow became warmer with this person.
On this wave, I began to tell him some story from my childhood. And as soon as I started telling it, my soul, as they say, just turned around... And he banged: he suddenly had an urgent need to go somewhere - I have to go, I’m running away.
Only I began to open my soul. When you understand that you are important to him, that the common cause is valuable for both, and on this basis, goodwill and trust naturally increase. You begin to unfold, to open up... And he cuts it off.
It is communicating something to others and listening to the other person.
Correct diction when speaking will help you speak beautifully.
Diction is the precision and clarity of speech pronunciation. Sometimes good diction requires a struggle.
Start with a warm-up exercise. Take a small pencil between your teeth. Say a phrase that consists of at least a dozen words. Continue to hold the pencil tightly. Take it out and repeat the same phrase.
Do some diaphragm training. Choose any vowel letter. Take a deep breath. As you exhale, “stretch” (vocally) the chosen letter until your breath ends. Try to repeat this exercise at least several times a day.
Get into a relaxed position. Keep one hand at chest level. Bring the second one to your mouth so that you can check your breathing. Say "moan" with all the vowels you know. You should feel a feeling of freedom in the throat area.
How to Effectively Communicate with People You Can't Shut Up
If your interlocutor talks incessantly, then it becomes completely unclear how you can effectively communicate with such a person. There is a serious desire to use rope and tape...
This situation especially often arises when a person tells you something not for the first time. And at a certain point it becomes simply unbearable to listen to. Well, once I listened, well, twice in the end it all went well. But why the hell is he telling me this for the 10th time!?!
Has this happened to you?
And it happens that you tell another person something, but it’s not clear whether he listened to you or not - he doesn’t say anything in response. In situations like this, when you wanted to tell someone else something, but he simply didn’t let you know that he heard you. In such situations, you want to say it again, and again, and again, and again, and again...
In the end, a person can simply go crazy because you’ve been telling him the same thing 100 times already. To prevent this from happening, he would simply say: “Dude, I heard you.” And sometimes it is enough to say: “I see.”
And the person magically realizes that he was heard. And he won't bother you with it anymore.
Sometimes it is difficult for the speaker to understand that he has conveyed his thought to you, and he needs to repeat it much more powerfully: louder, brighter, longer - to explain that he conveyed it to you. You may even have to use some interesting words from the local dialect.
It is important to confirm to the person that his message, his thought, was conveyed to you. He understands that he was heard. He really was heard and he no longer wants to repeat it to you. That's it, the message has arrived. It is done. And it doesn't bother him anymore.
This concerns such an important thing as confirmation.
Lessons on correct speech - rhetoric exercises
It is important to breathe correctly when speaking
Surely, while listening to the smooth speech of an announcer or some charismatic presenter, you caught yourself thinking that you yourself would like to be able to speak like that. Of course, this can be achieved if you develop your speaking technique. However, first of all, for this you should learn to breathe correctly - deeply, calmly and imperceptibly.
Please note that speech breathing is different from normal breathing. This is a controlled process. As you know, diaphragmatic-costal breathing is considered the most convenient for speech. In this case, inhalation and exhalation are performed using the diaphragm and intercostal muscles. The most capacious part of the lungs (lower) comes into activity. In this case, the shoulders and upper chest remain practically motionless.
You can learn to control your breathing on your own. Place your palm between your stomach and chest - on the diaphragm area. When you inhale, the abdominal wall will rise slightly and the lower part of the chest will expand. Exhalation will be accompanied by contraction of the abdominal and chest muscles. When speaking, the inhalation should be light and short, but the exhalation should be smooth and long (the ratio is approximately one to ten).
When the process of speech occurs, the importance of exhalation increases to a large extent. Before speaking, you should take a quick and deep breath, which is taken both through your nose and mouth. Meanwhile, during speech exhalation, only the mouth is involved.
Correct speech breathing can be called the basis for a beautiful sounding voice. If you breathe incorrectly, this will lead to instability of your voice.
Speak confidently, clearly and clearly
When speaking, try to avoid muttering - speak clearly, distinctly and confidently. Practice reading books out loud - do it slowly and with expression, sometimes speed it up, but continue to speak with expression. Gradually, you will develop the skill of speaking this way in everyday life.
You need to constantly train your gestures and facial expressions
Gesticulation and facial expressions can be called non-verbal means of speech, which should also be trained. Try speaking in front of a camera or mirror to see if you are gesturing too much and “out of line.” At times, this can greatly distract the interlocutor from the topic of conversation. It is also important to observe your facial expressions - both an indifferent facial expression and excessive expression of emotions are unacceptable. In the second case, it may simply look ugly.
Your gestures and facial expressions should look harmonious, smooth and natural, and only sometimes emphasize the meaning of what was said. It is important that the listener still focuses on the meaning of the text, but not on your face or hands.
Ability to communicate with shy people or when the interlocutor finds it difficult to speak
Another important skill is to communicate with people, for example, shy people. Some things are hard to say, certain topics are hard to communicate on. For example, it can be difficult to tell a girl that you love her.
Or, for example, it’s difficult to admit to something that you did wrong. Or it may just be difficult to explain certain things to another person; it’s not entirely comfortable to discuss them. Situations require help.
How to do this? In one office this technique was called the “Uh-huh Method.” You encourage the person to continue the conversation, you pull the string and the person, in the end, tells you everything, expresses everything that was difficult for him to tell you.
As a result, he feels relieved and you feel understanding about the situation. Often this resolves various kinds of problems, a great understanding of each other, trust, and true friendship arises. It is very valuable that the communication is completely completed, so that the person tells everything completely.
And you help him by saying: uh-huh, yes, continue, and what next... - you pull the string when he begins to experience difficulties, when he begins to slip. And then, when he has fully expressed himself, you confirm to him: “I understand you.” Thus, you confirm to him that everything he told you really reached you.
Often a person doesn’t even need to know your opinion regarding all this; he doesn’t need your advice at all. It often happens that you tell about your situation in business or family and they immediately begin to advise you, teach you, and share their opinions.
And you haven’t even fully told what happened there yet. You don’t need any advice, you just need to talk it out. You just want to tell the other person about it. That’s why there are such troubles when a person tells something to another, speaks out, and then they start teaching him, or they don’t even listen to him at all.
As a result, it is difficult for a person to talk about certain things. He just had a lot of problems with it and now it’s become difficult to do it. Therefore, we have to help and pull these things out of him.
And so he gave it all to you: phew! He's fucking cool about it. And you feel like a real master of communication. But that’s all: you just listened to him, you just helped him speak out a little.
Listening is the ability of a true friend.
A universal way to get along with children in all situations
There is one trick that works almost always and with all children. You've probably seen other adults use it, and maybe you've used it yourself.
Cover your eyes with your hands. Keep them like this for a while. Then slowly spread your fingers and look at the baby. A smile will appear on his face. After several repetitions, laughter and joy will fill the baby.
This list cannot be completed without your participation. If you have anything to add, write it in the comments below.
How to succeed in communicating with people - the secret way
And for starters, another secret way to help you achieve success in communicating with people. You need to understand that people are not always in good shape. Even the best of us find ourselves in situations where we need a little management.
So you buy tangerines from a southerner, and he says: “Listen, it turned out to be 2 kilos - 150 rubles in total.” You give him 1000, he takes it, gives you tangerines and begins to tell you that his grandmother really likes to eat these tangerines: “You won’t believe it, you won’t believe it, the most delicious tangerines.”
You tell him: “Well, okay, then give me the change.” He says to you: “Yes, yes, I’ll give it to you now, listen: grandma, my grandma, she’s very smart and she never tires of repeating that the tangerine is the most valuable fruit!”
And you tell him: “Still, dear, I understand you about your grandmother. But please give me some change.” In the end, surrender finally comes to you. That is, sometimes some management of the conversation is required to achieve results.
It happens that a person needs such control when he lacks attention - he jumps from one thing to another. And it also happens that it is not profitable for him or he wants to make more money on you. Or for some other reason, he tries to deliberately move away from this topic.
In both of these cases, you can, with the help of competent communication, bring the process to the result you need.
Eliminate the words “parasites” from your colloquial speech
Basically, parasitic words are used by those people who do not know how to connect words with each other. They are also abused by those individuals who are completely unprepared for the conversation, who are taken by surprise. The use of “parasitic” words indicates a poor vocabulary. They can tell a lot about a person.
“In short” is said by hyper-sociable people who do not control the degree of their talkativeness. Their desire to “shorten” speech is never crowned with success.
“By the way” belongs to those who feel uncomfortable, but want to be in the spotlight for at least some time.
“Actually”, “so to speak” - these are words - parasites that have become the habit of an intelligent, erudite, educated person.
The people who are most liked are those who maintain an average conversational speed. Such people are classified as responsible and reliable individuals. It is associated with logic, consistency and awareness. However, it is almost impossible to change the speed of speech, since it depends on temperament.
Normal speech rate is from sixty to one hundred words per minute. Make sure this number applies to your speech as well. Take a stopwatch and a voice recorder. Select a text and read it for sixty seconds. This is how you will find out what speed is “hidden” in your speech. Do everything to keep your readings within normal range (sixty words per minute).
Gestures are an “additional” language. Remember: there shouldn’t be too many of them. Learn to control your own body so as not to irritate or repel others with your gestures. Watch every movement, think through all the gestures (from small to sweeping). Facial expressions are the charm that can enhance the power of perception. Stand in front of a mirror and practice. This is the so-called “mirror training”.
Passive-aggressive people fear conflict
I remember coming home very late one day as a teenager. We had an elderly relative visiting us, and the next morning at breakfast she said to me, “I hope you had a good time? Yes, probably, since you didn’t come home until twenty minutes past two!” This was said with enthusiasm, and I seemed to have to smile in response, but I perfectly understood the subtext. What she really wanted to say, in front of my mother, was, “You woke me up when you came home!” That's why she knew exactly what time it was.
The goal of passive-aggressive behavior is to criticize or complain without going into open conflict. We all do this sometimes, but for some people it's the norm when they're upset or angry. Typically, such people are afraid of conflict, usually because they have some unpleasant memories associated with it, but they do not want their disappointment to go unnoticed. In fact, passive-aggressive behavior is completely pointless because it doesn't solve any problems. It just makes everyone feel uncomfortable.
I once had a colleague who always turned in any work at the last minute so that everyone else would work harder. Technically he was on time, but the rest of the team always tried to help each other to finish everything early. This man was angry with us and thus tried to punish us. He couldn't say that he had some kind of problem because he was afraid of provoking our aggression. I still have no idea what exactly he was angry about, but whatever it was, it was never resolved. I suspect he is still angry at those he works with today.
One of the biggest problems with this type of behavior is that if you directly confront the person with the claim, they will definitely deny everything. “I didn’t do everything at the last minute on purpose. It just took longer than I thought." And it turns out that you are unfairly accusing the person. And he seems to have the right to feel offended.
What should you do if you have such a passive-aggressive boss, partner, mother, colleague, child? First, recognize that this is aggressive behavior, no matter how well veiled it may be. Otherwise, you will feel guilty that you are “unfairly” blaming him. If you let him continue like this, it will be bad for both of you.
Sometimes humor works. In our family, any behavior of this kind is usually met with a joke: “You don’t need to be so passive-aggressive with me!” Even if this person denies everything, after such words he can no longer continue to behave this way. More persistent violators should be pinned to the wall. But at the same time, you need to show them that expressing their disappointment or resentment does not necessarily lead to conflict. They are afraid of this and will not change their behavior unless they understand that there is no reason for their fear. Just tell it like it is and show them that you want to work out a solution to their problem that benefits everyone.
Also, it pays to be specific. There is no need to say: “You always turn in your work at the last minute.” Give specific examples and let the person know that this is unacceptable. Under no circumstances try to respond to the aggressor in kind, for example, do everything for him at the last moment. This will make you even more passive aggressive than him. What then is your moral superiority?
When to sound the alarm
At first glance, many of the strange signs of adolescence are normal. But we should not forget that everything should have reasonable boundaries.
Here are situations when it is better to go to a psychologist with a teenager:
10 thoughts about my depression
- A teenager cannot make friends among classmates or neighborhood kids. With an acute need for communication, which he cannot satisfy in any way, it is possible that he will end up in a company associated with crime. Such companies fit perfectly into the teenage value system: communication, protest, violation of all adult values and demands. A whole cocktail of emotions and feelings, thrills, romance...
- He communicates with guys much older than himself, who have a bad reputation, commit offenses and even crimes.
- I started smoking, drinking alcohol, and trying drugs.
- He almost never leaves the room, often cries, and does not communicate with his parents and friends. Perhaps he is in trouble or even depressed.
