A stubborn child is a child whose behavior causes problems of an emotional and educational nature (in the family, kindergarten, school), such as the presence of constant disputes and disagreements on serious issues and because of minor trifles, reluctance to hear someone else’s point of view, as well as situations , causing an increase in danger to the child’s life (lack of obedience on the roadway, neglect of home safety rules, etc.).
Raising a stubborn child becomes a test for the nervous system of parents, but you can ease your fate a little by knowing that the first signs of stubbornness will appear at the age of two, accompanying the crisis of the third year. During this period, the most common thing you can hear from a previously sweet and obedient child is protests and negative responses. Such behavior is associated with the discovery of one’s own boundaries and difference from the outside world, after which the desire is born to test these boundaries and consolidate one’s individuality through opposition and disobedience.
This is a way of testing the world and one’s own capabilities and ability to stand up against others. A further increase in stubbornness is expected for the next crisis (around five to seven years), where the motivation will be the same desire to assert one’s position and value in the world, but if at a younger age these were monosyllabic protests and refusals, now the child begins to resist whole sentences, subject to their own logic, which is often difficult to argue with, but at the same time it is quite offensive to loved ones. Children do not yet know how to filter their statements, anticipating the painful reaction of those who are dear to them, while they feel their own victory over an adult and omnipotent species, seeing how their parents become weak or become emotionally defeated.
A very stubborn 5-year-old child is capable of upending the entire family system with his energy, since he enters into confrontation at the slightest hint of infringement of his opinion, even where this was not planned. Any means are used to prove independence, but there is still no understanding that any independence carries not only constant indulgence, but also responsibility, i.e. fear and restrictions during protest behavior are practically absent.
The next stage, when parents again encounter the stubbornness of their child, is adolescence, as the most famous and severe personality crisis. The child begins to rebel against the whole world and it is good if by this time the relationship with the parents has already been clarified, and they can remain a reliable rear and place, otherwise what is happening at home may begin to resemble a war or lead to a severance of family ties.
How to raise a stubborn child
To figure out how to raise a stubborn child, it is worth delving into the mechanisms of the emergence and development of such a trait. The predisposition to manifest stubbornness to the extent that surrounding adults begin to anxiously seek answers is the very character of the child, which develops in the process of upbringing and the type of his nervous system, which is determined genetically. It is difficult to do anything with the manifestation of innate qualities; the only options left are adaptation and taking into account existing features. Therefore, the main attention should be paid to the characterological aspect, because children do not begin to be stubborn on their own - this is a response to crisis moments of growing up and the relationships of significant adults.
The most common reason for stubbornness is the desire of parents to completely subjugate the child, leaving him neither the right to choose nor his own opinion. In such a picture of the world, a child’s inability to do what is required (for example, start reading at three years old or tying his own shoelaces after two demonstrations) or disagreement to do something (go to those who offend him, choose clothes for which he is teased) are perceived by adults without taking into account objective reasons and the subjective perception of the child, but are immediately regarded as malicious intent. From this point of view, there is only one solution - to break the protest by force, and then the confrontation intensifies. And the child remembers that he needs to defend himself loudly and using all possible resources, since the parent is not on his side.
Such relationships have an impact on future fate. Typically, such children are quite cruel to their peers, lack trust, and are all traumatized by cold family relationships that are based on confrontation of forces, and not on support and warmth. There are two paths of development here, and both of them lie at the extreme poles - either the child learns to manipulate and becomes a rather tough dictator in his own family, or he loses all activity and submits to outside demands. Such subordination at a young age in adolescence is transformed into a strong crisis period, where all parental systems break down, and those around them receive all the accumulated destructive energy suppressed in childhood.
Stubbornness can appear as a result of the normal development process, for example, a very stubborn 5-year-old child does not want to do everything in defiance of his parents, he just now realizes his independence and separateness, begins to understand his personal desires and their satisfaction becomes an extremely valuable task in the formation of his personality. And when such aspirations meet resistance, the share of stubbornness increases.
Another point at which stubbornness appears is any changes in the child’s life (daily routine, place of residence, new people, many impressions) - this happens as an adaptation mechanism and if you return the child to a familiar environment, then the stubbornness will disappear, or it will take time to get used to it. Bad mood, fatigue, hunger, lack of sleep make the baby very sensitive, capricious and stubborn, and he cannot obey until he satisfies his basic physical needs. A large number of prohibitions, especially unmotivated ones, provoke stubbornness without explanation, but also cause permissiveness caused by a lack of parental attention (here stubbornness is a way of attracting attention).
There is also neurotic stubbornness, which develops from a long confrontation between parents and child, when instead of looking for other ways, the parent decides to take the same tactics and a competition of stubbornness begins. The only difference is that the child’s psyche has not yet strengthened and it is precisely defending one’s opinion that now shapes one’s personality, which turns out to be impossible. The consequences of such upbringing result in childhood neuroses and stuttering, groundless fears, insomnia and speech problems, including refusal to speak.
The absence of a clear line in the behavior of parents makes the child unstable. When the parents' actions are consistent, the demands are always the same and the child understands what to expect and knows that his needs will be heard, the age of stubbornness passes much easier for all family members.
Reasons for stubbornness
It is extremely difficult for parents to understand the origins of children's stubbornness. It would seem that preschool children have a completely carefree life - they don’t even need to learn homework yet. However, psychologists claim that stubbornness first appears in children at the age of 3, when they begin to evaluate themselves and their personality in a new way. It is during this period that children become acquainted with new emotions, which they still cannot fully control. The result is an overly strong reaction to events and words, manifested in the form of disobedience, resentment, whims and sometimes even hysterics.
To correct a child’s behavior, it is necessary, first of all, to establish the reasons for children’s stubbornness. Most often, the following factors lead to disobedience in preschoolers:
Crisis of three years. It is believed that at 3-4 years a child goes through his first age crisis, during which noticeable changes in behavior are observed. One of the most striking manifestations is stubbornness. Emotional background in the family. Stubbornness can become a child’s natural reaction to frequent conflicts between parents and other family members.
In this way, he tries to divert the attention of loved ones to himself. Features of education
Too gentle an attitude towards a child often leads to him feeling like the center of family attention. The baby responds to any “disobedience” on the part of the parents with stubbornness. A similar reaction is possible in families where strict rules of upbringing are practiced. Individual characteristics of a preschooler. Do not forget that a child is an individual, which means he develops his own character, his own temperament. Perhaps stubbornness is simply an integral part of his character.
Dealing with children's stubbornness is more difficult than, for example, stopping them from calling names. However, with the right approach to solving the problem, parents will be able to minimize their child’s disobedience.
Stubborn child - how to set boundaries
The idea that parents are most often to blame for the development of a child’s stubbornness is not new and is well founded, so there is an urgent need to develop an education system that would help avoid such distortions. One of the most popular methods is the Mackenzie system for setting the boundaries of what is permitted for a stubborn child. The author believes that the basis of stubbornness is temperament, which corresponds to many scientific studies on the relationship between stubbornness and the strength of the nervous system, and accordingly it is a kind of innate style of behavior and knowledge of the world, which can have both soft and invisible forms to others, and take on the scale of tragedy for an individual taken family.
The first thing parents need to do is to reconsider their own parenting styles, since some of them only provoke aggressive and stubborn behavior in such children. Thus, the authoritarian style, where force is taken as the basis, the child is brought up by submission and fear, is quite firm, but there is no respect in it. For gentle and obedient children, such an attitude is too intolerable, and they choose to obey when those who are stronger emotionally do not tolerate such an attitude and start a riot, responding to disrespect with disrespect, and to intimidation with evil and protest.
It may seem that the most effective here will be a respectful and non-strict style of education, when parents expect the child to independently understand the need and take steps towards it. The problem is that such an attitude is conniving and does not give the child an understanding of the boundaries of this world, which he is not able to form on his own; this requires adults with a fairly strong position. As a result, such freedom can turn into a dictatorship of a child, anarchy and the absence of any control. Alternate alternation of such approaches does not produce results - it only confuses the child, throwing him into different extremes and finally cutting the ground out from under his feet. The only possible option that works with stubborn people is a democratic style, when parents are quite firm in their beliefs and actions, but at the same time the child is given the opportunity to make decisions, make choices, and solve problems in areas available to him. Power is not taken away completely and placed at anarchic disposal, but the child’s zones of influence on the situation are clearly defined, with full responsibility for the choice he makes.
The strength of the parent’s position will be constantly tested by the child, so it is necessary to strictly adhere to your own rules (i.e. if you said that you will not buy this toy, then you do not buy it, even if they beg you, suck up, threaten, negotiate or fight in hysterics at floor). It will not be easy to withstand the test attacks the first few times, but in the future there will be fewer of them, and communication will improve, and it will become clearer for the child himself to navigate in a world where what is said remains indestructible.
When you express your dissatisfaction, it should sound as specific as possible and be accompanied by actions - statements that you will be angry or that the child will be punished in the evening are not perceived by children in any way. It is best to outline which actions of the child will lead to what consequences (disobedience in the park - to returning home, refusal to do homework - to the absence of evening games) and, most importantly, then implement what was said. Remember that your words are checked for accuracy every time. You should not enter into disputes or agreements, since all this calls your boundaries into question and gives rise to the idea that, if not for good, then they can be moved by tougher methods. At the same time, if you notice that you yourself went too far in showing aggression and somewhere violated the child’s boundaries, then apologize and explain your behavior from an emotional point of view, tell them that you were very upset, but still love him. Such examples also help the child find more constructive methods of interaction.
“I don’t want to turn off the TV!”
It's time to go to bed, and you begin your nightly performance: “Masha!
When will you turn off the TV and go to bed? - "Now!" - Masha answers and continues to watch cartoons until you turn off the TV yourself. If such behavior has already become a habit for the child, then most likely the reason for the disobedience lies with you. And the child only behaves the way you allowed him to. Why is this happening? Because instead of a specific request, the child hears a vague question from you, which allows him to not immediately fulfill his mother’s request. And even if you insist that the child go to bed right away, you still allow him to watch TV for another 5-10-30 minutes (“Okay, watch another 10 minutes and then immediately go wash and sleep!”). By doing this, you let the child know that your parent’s word means nothing.
What to do?
- Address the child in a concise and clear manner. For example: “It’s already nine o’clock. You should take a shower and go to bed."
- Develop the rules of the game with your child: stipulate the time he can spend in front of the TV screen. For violating the rules, you can come up with penalties, for example, excommunication from the TV for a couple of days.
- Come up with a replacement that will distract the child from cartoons without the use of “heavy artillery” in the form of threats and punishments. For example, a walk before bed or a family tea party. Then the baby will effortlessly tear himself away from the TV.
Stubborn child - what to do
The main thing for understanding how to raise a stubborn child is the desire to maintain a balance between maintaining his independence and strength, while suppressing the belief that the whole world is subject to his every whim. The desire to completely change a child should not appear on your list of tasks, since stubbornness is not his whim, but an innate quality, a feature that has both positive and negative sides. The parental task includes developing strong and practical aspects and leveling out the frustrating effects.
Your task will be to strictly adhere to your boundaries, while you must provide your child with an area of influence. Most stubbornness is caused by a lack of choice, so you can provide it, but within your limits. Those. You don't ask a child where he wants to go and then silently fulfill his whims or prohibit a choice that is not available to you - all this is in the realm of violence. You give him a choice from what will suit you initially, i.e. two specific places to choose from that you are ready to visit. The same should happen with clothes; if you understand that you need to dress warmly, then you do not let the selection process take its course by handing over the child, but give him the opportunity to decide for himself whether to wear a warm jacket with a hood or a hat. This style forms a partnership where there is a clear primacy of your boundaries, but the child does not act as a silent, submissive toy.
In moments when you are unable to achieve understanding quickly and the child continues to be stubborn, then instead of pressing with force (which will cause even greater resistance), put aside your haste and start listening to the child, his arguments and description of his emotional state. This will help you understand him better and perhaps find another way out, because there are times when parents are wrong, on the other hand, the more the child describes his condition, the more aggressive stubbornness will be replaced by a feeling of helplessness and impotence. It is stubbornness in its most severe form that indicates that the child simply does not know how to change the situation, he needs your help and support, but he cannot ask for it directly, since at the time of the conflict you are not on the same side. Your task, by listening to your child, is to show him that there are rules and requirements, but this does not mean that you have abandoned him, he must understand that you are always on his side.
Monitor your behavior and the frequency of refusals - children copy the behavior patterns of adults, and if the child hears refusals to most of his requests or suggestions, expressed desires, then soon you will begin to hear refusals. The baby will do this unconsciously, because he will perceive this way of reacting as normal, and therefore comments and punishments for this will undermine his worldview. In such a case, you should start with yourself and try to formulate the answer as positive, perhaps making certain amendments, but be sure to carry out what was said. And before you fight stubbornness, exclude real facts (perhaps he does not resist writing, but is simply left-handed, perhaps this is not a rebellion against dinner, but his grandmother recently fed him), because to fight stubbornness when this is far from it, and parents are against tyrants can break both your relationship and the child’s psyche.
Making contact
It is very difficult to come to an agreement with a stubborn child. He always has his own opinion, disagreement with which can lead to a serious conflict. And attempts to force or even simply persuade him to do something, as a rule, end in a bright emotional outburst. You can’t give in to this behavior, but you shouldn’t engage in “resistance” either. The best way to solve the problem is to establish contact with the child and then begin to re-educate him.
Parents must understand that a child’s stubbornness is most often not a behavioral vice, but a manifestation of internal emotional stress. Accordingly, the usual system of punishments and rewards will not give the desired effect, and, perhaps, will only aggravate the situation. Start with a simple thing - communicate with your child as often as possible, even when whims appear, try to react calmly, do not stop the dialogue and do not go to another room, but do not give in to manipulation. Perhaps even this will be enough - the child will understand that stubbornness as a tool of pressure on parents is ineffective, and will stop using it.
“I won’t put my toys away!”
But this is pure manipulation - the child seems to be testing the adult’s strength: “What will you do now if I still don’t put away my toys?” And do you usually put away the toys yourself? Do you force your child to remove them? Or calmly leave the room, saying, let the toys lie around, in the end the baby will get tired of it and he will remove them himself? As a rule, parents choose the first option of behavior or try to achieve the desired result by shouting and spanking.
What to do?
- First, share responsibility with your child. After all, it can be difficult for a child to put away all the toys at once, so the fear of a large amount of work pushes him to the answer “I don’t want to, I won’t.”
- You can easily cope with this situation if you invite your child to compete to see which of you can collect the toys faster. Or come up with a game in which you definitely need to collect all the toys and hide them in that box or that basket so that some fabulous evil Gray Wolf doesn’t get them.
- Or you can appoint your child as your most important assistant and offer to clean his room together, and then move together to the kitchen or living room.
As a child grows up, he has a need to feel independent, he demands respect for himself and his point of view from others, and wants to be taken into account. What do we adults do? We prohibit, saying “you’re still small,” “no one is asking you,” “shut up.” We demand unquestioning obedience. And how should a child who strives for independence, but is constantly being interfered with, behave? Obviously, the stubbornness of a son or daughter is nothing more than a manifestation of protest. “Yeah, do you forbid it? Don't respect me? - as if children were saying to their parents. “Then I’ll start being stubborn, and we’ll see who wins.” So our children are not born stubborn; it is we ourselves, through our wrong actions, who instill in them obstinacy and the desire to do everything in defiance. And if you think about it, what quality do we need to achieve our goal? Yes, yes, it’s stubbornness, because without healthy drive it’s difficult to achieve anything in life. And in fact, children’s manifestation of stubbornness is a guarantee that they will grow up persistent, self-confident, be able to defend their point of view and generally be self-sufficient people.
Psychologists' studies have shown that children of overly strict parents who overprotect their children are overly demanding and petty, and stubborn much more often than those children whose parents are reasonable in their pedagogical influences.
“Buy me this toy now.”
Children sobbing in the store to buy “that doll” or “that car” are not uncommon. And it would be too simple to explain their bad behavior only by the fact that the parents are raising their son or daughter incorrectly. In fact, such stubbornness arises not only due to the age crisis or errors in upbringing. Sometimes massive advertising has a bad influence on a child: and then he can’t resist demanding another toy from his parent.
What do you do when your child makes a fuss about another doll or computer toy? Do you give up and buy, just so as not to disgrace you in front of the whole store? Would you say that they don’t buy toys for such a bad boy or girl, especially such expensive and beautiful ones? Will you try to switch your baby's attention to something else?
What to do?
- If you understand that the child is not yet able to control himself in the toy store and will definitely start a scandal, do not take him with you.
- If you do decide to go shopping together, explain to your son or daughter in advance how much money you are taking with you and what you can buy with that amount. Calmly say that if he (she) makes a scandal, then “we will have to leave the store, and we will not buy the toy.”
- It’s still not worth ignoring children’s dreams and desires. And since you know what your baby dreams and sees, then make sure that his dreams sometimes come true.
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