How a woman can come to terms with loneliness in her personal life: advice from a psychologist

Sometimes fate turns out in such a way that a woman finds herself alone. There can be many reasons for this:

• divorce or separation; • death of a loved one; • tense relationships with the opposite sex, etc.

And so fate turned out like this. There is no one to go to the cinema or theater with, no one to set the table for and put an extra plate and cup on, no one to buy beautiful dresses or underwear for. And a simple walk in the park is now more like going to the store for bread, rather than a romantic date.

Photo by Biel Morro on Unsplash

There is no one to discuss the latest news with, watch TV or listen to your favorite music. In addition, if there are always children nearby, then the situation is complicated by the fact that there is no breadwinner in the family, no one to dress and put on their shoes.

Unfortunately, this has happened at least once in every woman’s life. When a man disappears from the radar, you just want to disappear from the face of the earth, because many problems appear. But how to deal with this and how not to become a man in this situation?

Is there a chance?

The first thing to understand is that everyone has a chance to get married. A certain doctor Torsunov in his works cited various birds and animals as examples. This is the so-called “one pair of each creature” rule. In the animal world, almost every bird and every animal finds a mate.

For example, swans. They don't suffer from not having a mate. Cats do not suffer from a lack of attention from a cat, and dogs, and lions, and tigers, and wolves. Nature has provided for everything, and in any case, everyone will find their “soul mate.”

Photo by Micael Widell on Unsplash

It may take months and years, but eventually any woman will have a partner. And at this moment the main thing is not to spoil anything and not to miss it. It’s worth fighting, trying to maintain this relationship and constantly analyzing your behavior in it (primarily your own, not your partner’s) so that this relationship lasts as long as possible.

Nature is such that the man will come anyway. All the same, in the life of every woman there will be a man who will love her, respect her, carry her in his arms and raise children with her. However, what to do if it does not appear at the moment. It is difficult to live without a man, if only because there is no one to help around the house or satisfy any sexual desires.

Three steps out of loneliness

STEP ONE.
Honestly admit to yourself that you are tired of your loneliness. Everything in this world has its own philosophy. Have you ever thought about the fact that it also exists in loneliness? At a minimum, this is either loneliness-rest, or loneliness-tragedy. But this is really a general conclusion.

What can a person who is afraid to fight loneliness come up with to justify his voluntary imprisonment! What kind of philosophy does he not justify his voluntary seclusion! I am engaged in self-knowledge... The world is boring to me... I am taller than all people... Loneliness is the lot of the chosen few... Being lonely is cool, being sociable is trash... I am quite self-sufficient...

Who knows what other “philosophies” someone who wants to justify their loneliness will invent? The prover will immediately and joyfully offer hundreds of arguments in favor of the fact that this particular philosophy is not just correct, but the only correct one.

Here, please, the verdict is ready for you - final, not subject to appeal, and even with a reasoned basis. In fact, a person always feels whether he is tired of his loneliness or not. I emphasize: he does not understand, but feels. Yes, we have a Prover in our heads who will prove anything to us. But in feelings there is no Prover. Therefore, you can deceive your thoughts by coming up with any arguments to justify any of your existence.

But it is impossible to deceive your feelings. And when your friend or acquaintance complains of loneliness, the first thing you need to understand is: is he ready to take this first step or not? Is he really tired of his loneliness?

Can a single person live a harmonious life?

Any person who has consciously chosen their life can live a harmonious life. It is not life itself that is a sign of harmony, but the fact that you chose it consciously.

Feelings cannot be deceived. And if you feel that loneliness is a tragedy for you, you need to admit it to yourself.

This step is difficult, but necessary.

So, you understand: you don’t like loneliness, for you it is a tragedy. Life needs to be changed. They understood not with their heads, but, as they say, “with every fiber of their soul.”

So what should I do? Go to crowded places? But it will also be lonely there... Exchange one loneliness for another? Does it make sense?

Psychophilosophy believes that loneliness can also be divided into two groups:

1. Loneliness in the desert.
2. Loneliness in the crowd.

It is clear that these terms are metaphorical and figurative, but I am sure: you understand what we are talking about.

A person who is accustomed to loneliness in the desert is always afraid of being alone in a crowd.

He was used to being alone without witnesses. He is sure: if anyone witnesses his loneliness, he will feel even worse, even more painful, even more lonely...

A person accustomed to loneliness in his home desert does not think that being alone in a crowd offers a chance. Actually, it’s the only thing that gives a chance and nothing else.

If you want to seriously overcome your reclusiveness, you must make a conscious decision: to exchange loneliness in the desert for loneliness in the crowd.

This is step two.

STEP TWO. Realize that you are ready to exchange loneliness in the desert for loneliness in the crowd.

You need to understand well: when you come out of seclusion, you will not find yourself in a fairy tale - in some beautiful, bright life, full of friends and communication. Not at all, you will find yourself from one loneliness to another.

Are you ready for this? Are you ready to demonstrate your loneliness, or is it better for you to sit in your solitary confinement and look for all sorts of excuses for your lonely state?

How do you feel better? Answer this question not with your mind, but with your feeling. Answer yourself, rather than listening to someone else’s advice and recommendations: what will be best for you?

If you took the first step honestly, it means that you admitted to yourself that you are tired of loneliness. Well, you don’t want to spend your life in solitary confinement anymore.

What results from this decision? Since the basis of your life for many years was solitary confinement, as soon as you decide to leave it, the fear will almost certainly settle inside you that you need to change, albeit a boring, but established life. The second step is designed to destroy this fear.

Listen, if you are a lonely person, then you have one serious and necessary skill for everyone: you know how to talk to yourself!

Imagine how much experience you have in talking to yourself!

Well, use it! Convince yourself that you must exchange loneliness in the desert for loneliness in the crowd.

However, we must remember: no fear is destroyed by reflection. Reflection is the soil from which action must necessarily grow. Hence the third step.

STEP THREE. Leave the house and go to people.

Do you remember who you are: the person who decided to leave the house? It was not just a man who left the house and decided to wander around in search of adventure. No! A man came out of the house who, firstly, understood and admitted to himself that he was tired of loneliness. And secondly, someone who consciously goes to crowded places because people are more interesting to him than the walls of his own home. Can you imagine the energy that is born inside you as a result of all this?

Fine. We left. We came to crowded places. For once we didn’t refuse someone’s offer to go to a party. They agreed to come to the birthday party. By themselves - it happens! — went to a disco or a “dating evening.” What's next?

After all, a very specific problem immediately arises: “How to start a conversation?” It seems that you are convinced: sitting for a long time in solitary confinement in your own apartment taught you to communicate with yourself and completely forgot how to communicate with others.

Are you a stone or what? Have you forgotten that you are a process? Yesterday you didn’t know that you were tired of loneliness and that you would want to fight it. But today - a completely different calico, as they say! Let's get down to business...

What to do in such a situation?

First of all, understand yourself. Perhaps during all the time without a man, the woman stopped wearing makeup, wearing dresses and heels, and generally resembles the main character from “Office Romance.”

Alisa Freindlich film Office Romance-2

Subconsciously, men will avoid such women, because they already have enough of one man in the house. They want to see and feel a gentle and trembling creature next to them, and not the plumber Misha from the next door.

Or maybe it's the other way around? When a woman tries to look beautiful, this is right, and perhaps she attracts the admiring glances of men. At the same time, she is strict and unshakable, she does not radiate joy, does not smile, and does not even show any signs of attention to the opposite sex.

Such a Snow Queen will repel men. They, again, want a gentle and romantic woman next to them, who will smile radiantly at even the stupidest joke and have fun to the fullest. There is only one life!

Reasons and roots

Childhood

According to psychologists, we all come from childhood, and that is where we should look for the roots of our problems.

There are only three of them:

1. Parents' attitude towards us.
2. Parents' relationship with each other.
3. Parents' relationships with other people.

Of course, there are many more, but these three are the main ones, everything else is their derivatives.

These three components are already quite enough to get to the bottom of many of the causes of our problems.

Here's what I found out:

1. In my family, father and mother did not love each other. The mother used the father, and he deceived her.
2. My parents always ignored my needs because they were too busy with themselves and quite selfish.
3. They blamed each other and me for everything. I always felt guilty for their failures, which led to the development of a severe guilt complex.

Childhood jealousy, resentment, feelings of rejection and inferiority - that's what childhood brought with it.

Maybe,

Smoking and other addictions

Smoking is associated with many diseases, from diabetes to lung cancer. This addiction affects almost every organ of the body. Statistics show that lonely people are more likely to become addicted to various substances.

Although often the feeling of loneliness will become a factor in the fact that a person becomes a victim of bad habits. Smoking, alcohol and drugs can provide a false feeling of good mood. But in no case will this last long - over time, the person will need more and more doses.

Overweight

Lonely people, among other things, are most prone to overweight and obesity. This, again, is due to changes in the level of physical activity. Overeating is added to a passive lifestyle: lonely people eat more for the sake of calm, and also because of the huge amount of free time - instead of spending time with family or friends, lonely people often while away their days in front of the TV with a package of snacks or cookies while drinking tea.

If your weight suddenly begins to increase, you need to study not only the menu, but also your own emotions.

How loneliness affects the mind and body

Some people believe that loneliness is purely an emotional reaction, but chronic loneliness can seriously affect a person's mental and physical health.

Increased anxiety and stress caused by loneliness cause the body to increase cortisol levels, which leads to a variety of physical and mental problems.

Some of these problems include:

Decreased activity

An active lifestyle can help maintain health, both physiologically and psychologically. One of the biggest mistakes a lonely person makes is stopping exercise. In the case of such behavior, at first people will not see how their condition is changing for the worse. And if they see you, it will become difficult to return to your previous form. For this reason, experts encourage single people to express extraordinary energy in their workouts.

The main reasons for female loneliness - so why am I always alone?

• Shyness Previously, it was believed that modesty makes a girl beautiful. And many parents raised their daughters in accordance with this opinion. This is how a generation of indecisive women grew up, literally afraid of men. Excessive modesty does not contribute to communication, and the less a woman communicates, the fewer potential suitors around her.
• Many ladies wait their whole lives for a prince on a white horse. Having created an ideal man in their minds, they cannot find its analogue in reality. And too high demands ultimately lead to loneliness.
• Inaccessibility A beautiful, sociable, intelligent, but overly serious lady scares men. They are even afraid to talk to such a woman.
• Infantility Many women expect a man to appear on his own, appear on the horizon and take her to her dream. Infantile women do not take any action to find a companion. In addition, they expect that the husband will arrange her happiness for the rest of her life. But this happens too rarely.
• Difficult character It is no secret that relationships involve compromises. It is a rare man who can get along with an iron woman who does not make concessions.
• Full dedication to work A woman is first and foremost a wife and mother, as nature willed. If a career woman does not have enough time for her family and her husband, then the likelihood that she will remain single is close to 100%.

You're lonely?

Communication and social interaction seem easier than ever—with just a few taps on your smartphone, you can instantly connect with any friend, family, or other loved one.

But in recent years there has been a huge surge in loneliness, to the point that many psychologists call it a modern loneliness epidemic.

Over the past few decades, loneliness has doubled in many developed countries, such as the United States.

Nearly half of all people feel lonely or isolated, and around one in four respondents feel that there is no one in their life who understands them.

How much communication do we need in order not to be lonely?

Photo by Dmitriy Ganin: Pexels
This is especially pronounced among the older generation. When the closest people, your family, whom you came to visit, ask from the doorway: are you getting married? If the answer is no, then a reaction of sympathy follows. As if loneliness is some kind of indecent disease that needs to be gotten rid of as quickly as possible.

On the other hand, it cannot be denied that man is a social being. It has been proven that a person, both on a physical and emotional level, has a need for communication. But the level of this need is very individual.

If we consider loneliness as an unsatisfied need for communication, and at the same time abstract from the norms imposed by society, then it will become clear that everyone has their own need. In general, there is no norm for feeling lonely. One person will feel lonely after two weeks in isolation.

Another one a day later. If no one paid attention to him all day, wrote something on social networks, or gave him a compliment, he will feel lonely. And the third person will feel lonely even when talking to someone close.

What programs for women lead to loneliness?

One person thinks that the more friends he has, the less lonely he is. Another person only needs one friend whom he sees once a month or year. Such contradictions arise even in one couple. When one partner needs to spend two hours together, and the other does not have enough for twenty hours.

Develops suspicion and skepticism towards others

Usually, a person who loses people who are emotionally important to him will become lonely: for example, subsequently his lover betrays him. To withdraw into oneself after such stress and isolate oneself from the whole world is a natural state of a person, but there is no need to be overzealous with hermitism, since the atmosphere and psychology of loneliness itself further creates distrust of people.

Be your own good company, encourager and supporter.

You are your own team. One person team. You spend more time with yourself than anyone else, so try to be your own good company. I'm lucky. I feel good alone with myself. But if everything is wrong with you, how can you improve the situation?

People rarely compliment or praise others, so fill that vacuum yourself. Don't wait for someone to tell you "well done" or "great job." Pat yourself on the back systematically. You do not lose heart and move on - this is already worthy of praise.

Will you stop feeling lonely if you find love?

If you don’t have a husband, but have friends, parents, like-minded people and admirers, are you lonely or not? Our society imposes on us a stereotypical attitude: if there is no partner, that is, a love relationship, then the woman is labeled “lonely.” Despite the fact that many women, even being in a relatively prosperous, strong marriage, live with a devastating feeling of loneliness.

And not only women. Men who have wives or girlfriends, children who live with caring parents. Why do they continue to feel lonely? Why, when you are in a big, cheerful company, do you suddenly feel acutely loneliness?

People who are oppressed by the feeling of loneliness think that when they find a partner, they will immediately become happy, all their problems will be solved. What if loneliness does not depend on the presence or absence of a partner? Then what does it depend on?