You don't have a romantic partner or children. You live in your apartment alone, maybe with a cat or dog. If this is not the case, imagine yourself in such a situation. Now imagine what you say to relatives, friends, colleagues and just casual acquaintances: “I’m alone, and I like it.” Most likely, no one will believe it. Everyone will think that you are simply denying the pain that loneliness inevitably causes.
Even if they believe you, they are unlikely to pat you on the shoulder approvingly. Here is confirmation from an interesting experiment. Participants were given short biographies of single people to read. Some described themselves as happy people who chose to live alone. Others found their loneliness painful and admitted: they wanted love, they were just unlucky. The attitude towards loneliness is the only thing that distinguished loners, who were actually invented. But the participants who read the biographies did not think so. They rated people who chose life without relationships as more lonely, unhappy and selfish.
Do you want more concrete evidence that single people are not very popular? According to statistics, when renting an apartment, owners give preference to a married couple over a person planning to live without a partner. Other data shows that men who live alone have lower salaries - by 19-26%. These figures are cited by sociologist Bella DePaulo, who herself chose a single life for herself and is researching it. DePaulo's goal is to prove that being alone is great, and the only bad thing is the stereotypes that surround loneliness. And that we believe in them.
Decide who you want to be
Using three adjectives, describe the kind of person you want to be.
Perhaps the image will change over time, but the very fact of its presence is very important: the selected qualities will serve as your value guide and the basis for decisions and actions. Perhaps some qualities will be relevant for a short time, for a specific task or goal. Others will stay with you for a long time. Decide for yourself. Adjectives don't have to be serious. You may have gone through difficult times, so cheer yourself up. Consider whether you want to be: positive, brave, kind, skillful, strong, motivated, calm, optimistic, wise, gentle, loving, resilient, generous, compassionate, open, effective, friendly, active, energetic, patient, happy, generous , passionate, disciplined, responsible, caring.
Act like the person you would like to become and you will eventually become that person. Be your own beacon and guide.
Overcoming loneliness - psychology of desires
System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan also shows that people with other vectors (there are eight in total) can experience what is commonly called loneliness. This can happen for various reasons, and in each vector loneliness will have its own manifestations and causes.
People with a muscle vector are not able to be alone for a long time
It is important for them to be among people, to be part of a team, to be like everyone else
People with a visual vector need bright colors and vivid emotional experiences. They simply adore everything beautiful and are able to appreciate culture and art. Therefore, places remote from civilization can make them feel melancholy or terrible and depressing boredom, or a feeling of internal emotional discomfort.
For people with an anal vector, the past has a high value. They also honor family ties and relationships. Therefore, far from their country, home, relatives and family, they may experience a feeling of loneliness and severe homesickness. But really, it's nostalgia.
For people with the skin vector, loneliness is not a problem. They are mainly busy increasing their social rank in society and material wealth. Therefore, loneliness is not a threat for such people; they do not have time to experience an unbearable feeling of loneliness. People with the skin vector are constantly on the move, they surround themselves with people with whom they can create profitable relationships, and they value their time very much.
And only people with a sound vector are able to truly fully experience the feeling of unbearable loneliness. In fact, loneliness is the other side of the mental properties inherent in them that require filling. As system-vector psychology shows, only those who are clearly aware of their separateness and uniqueness can experience internal despair and an oppressive feeling of loneliness.
Control your reactions
Very often you will have to mobilize all your internal resources to remain strong and courageous. You must admit that you cannot run away from unpleasant emotions or shrug them off. You must face them, acknowledge these feelings, understand them properly and learn to control them.[…]
It's important to remember this when people hurt your feelings, either intentionally or accidentally. They themselves are not always aware of the impact of their words and actions. At such moments, I try not to forget that people are only projecting their own attitude towards themselves onto me. By impulsively reacting to your interlocutor’s remark, you give him your strength. If I see that a person is really trying to hurt me, then I mentally raise a shield with a mirror facing him in order to protect myself and show him that now he is not talking about me, but about himself.
Of all the advice I have received in life, one of the most useful was the following: you cannot influence how people will treat you or change some situations, but you can control your reaction to them.
You cannot change the direction of the wind, but you can control your sails.
The same goes for living alone: perhaps you would like to share shelter with another adult or have a family, but the reality is that there is no one nearby, so how joyful such a life will be for you will depend only on your attitude to the current situation .
As my own life experience shows, difficulties strengthen us. A grain of sand in a shell turns into a pearl. Therefore, perceive any troubles - and they will be - as veils, through which you will become stronger and wiser. And if you urgently need to throw out your seething emotions, take a dozen eggs and go for a walk in the forest; Throw the eggs into the trees with all your strength - and feel how satisfaction replaces anger!
Loneliness is not what it seems
Being alone is harmful. This would seem to be confirmed by research. Lonely people exercise less and drink and smoke more. They are more likely to have depression, hypertension, cardiovascular disease and high blood sugar. Their lives are shorter and they earn less. But before you stigmatize loneliness, it’s worth thinking about: what exactly are scientists researching? In most cases, we are not talking about single life, but about social isolation. That is, about the absence not of a romantic partner, but of deep connections in general: with relatives, friends, colleagues. We really don't tolerate this well.
Social isolation does not always happen to those who live alone. On the contrary, the social life of single people is more intense, and married people are more often isolated from the rest of the world. DePaulo came to this conclusion when she analyzed studies that compared the social lives of single and married people. It turned out that single people see relatives, neighbors and friends more often than married people. You may have noticed this yourself if you were in a serious relationship: there is less and less time for communication, especially when you and your partner move in together.
Moreover, the difference in social activity between married people and those who have never been married is much stronger than between married and divorced people. It looks as if social ties are destroyed with marriage, but even after divorce they are not fully restored. And this does not depend on age: young, mature, and elderly people have more close friends if they live alone. So who is lonely anyway?
The correct answer is: he who feels lonely is lonely. This feeling does not ask whether there are people nearby and how many there are. It occurs both in the company of friends, if they do not understand and do not accept you, and next to your partner - sometimes even if you love him and he loves you. People with an anxious attachment style, for example, feel lonely at the slightest sign of their partner's distance. Let’s say he’s tired and doesn’t want to talk right now. A person with an anxious attachment type may understand that their partner just needs to rest. But his feelings will tell him: “You are alone in the whole world.”
Look down on loneliness
The mere fact that no one is around doesn't mean anything. The problem is the feeling of loneliness, which appears under different masks. It can be hidden behind sadness, apathy, indifference, fatigue, depression. It's tangible. It's real. It won't go away that easily. How to defeat him?
Understand that this is normal. Accept your loneliness and move on with your life. There is no escape from the feeling of loneliness. It is a fact. Everyone I talked to while working on the book touched on the topic of loneliness. Everyone experiences this feeling: some to a greater extent, some to a lesser extent. It's like you're driving through hilly terrain and occasionally descending into dark valleys. This feeling is expected. The main thing is not to linger in the lowlands, do not set up camp there.
You can fight the oncoming feeling of loneliness with moral and physical means. The first ones are much more important. You can, of course, physically surround yourself with people, but your sense of self has nothing to do with them. This is an internal attitude. There is no hiding from him; you will only run away from yourself. So accept it, come to terms with it and move on with it.
Accept that loneliness, like happiness, sadness, death, birth, love and delight, is an integral part of being human.
Resign yourself and move on with your life.
A reason to think about life
Is it possible to live your whole life alone? The answer to this question depends on the personal characteristics of the individual. Some people feel great without loved ones and friends. But if this condition depresses a person, it can be dealt with without entering into a disordered relationship.
Loneliness is a reason to rethink life. Some are afraid of this phenomenon due to lack of material support. Others complain that there is no one to help them solve problems, to listen, to give advice. Still others begin to consider themselves unattractive to people of the opposite sex. Loneliness is an excellent reason to get rid of such complexes. Often the feeling of uselessness begins in childhood, when parents devoted too little time to their son or daughter and did not take into account the interests and needs of the little person. Sometimes this feeling is due to the fact that the individual puts himself above other people and closes himself off from society.
Some people deliberately refuse to communicate, fearing a repeat breakup or betrayal. Being in isolation, a person is afraid to admit to himself his experiences. But they need to be extracted from the subconscious. It is for this that a person should use the free time that he has due to loneliness.
Replace "loneliness" with "solitude"
Paul Tillich wrote: “Language wisely separates two sides of one phenomenon. There is a word for loneliness that means suffering without others. And there is a word, “solitude,” which means bliss without others. Turn away from loneliness with its criticism and isolation. Turn to face its more welcoming brother - solitude.
Solitude is closer to a conscious decision and allows you to maintain your self-esteem. Solitude is a personal choice, while loneliness is a condition imposed by circumstances.
An old Buddhist saying goes, “A tenth of an inch is the difference, and heaven and earth are separate.” Solitude and loneliness are also separated by a tenth of an inch, but it is crucial for our sense of self.
When you live alone, you have to rethink your worldview, and this is not all the changes. Don't even think about considering living alone as a prison sentence that you have to serve. Change your perspective. Reframe the concept. Solitude is not a stone around your neck, but a protective capsule. A means to achieve a goal. Learn to draw strength from it - and you will be rewarded.
How a vicious circle is formed
There is an interesting theory that explains how a vicious circle is formed. Every person depends on the environment. Being part of society is necessary to feel safe. When a subject is isolated from society, he feels a constant threat. There may be no real danger, but he perceives things as a threat.
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When a person is used to being alone, he is more likely to interpret another individual as a source of danger. For example, if someone has a neutral look, a lonely person will think, “He doesn't like me,” “He's going to cause harm.” It is difficult to break this circle, since it is unlikely that anyone will want to communicate with a person who perceives his environment as hostile and demonstrates unfriendliness. Then subjective loneliness becomes objective isolation.
However, there are individuals who are never lonely, regardless of the circumstances. People really differ in how much and what kind of social contacts they need and how much communication they desire. For example, having a romantic partner is important to some. They feel lonely if the chosen one is a theorist and not a lyricist. Others don't care about romantic relationships. They feel good when they are alone.
Happiness at will
“If you want to be happy, be happy,” said Tolstoy. He knew something about life even before scientists began to seriously study the problem of happiness, and authors raced to write their practical guides for those who wanted to find the joy of life.
The world is as you see it. So if you feel like you missed your chance or that life has treated you unfairly, that is your reality. I'm not saying you should think positive thoughts with a fake smile on your face, but research (and common sense) indicates that a positive inner attitude leads to positive outcomes. In the morning, as soon as your feet touch the floor, think about how you would like to live the coming day.
Experts have proven that feeling happy contributes to success, and not the other way around.
The benefits of solitude: how to hide from the world and have fun
Greg McKeon is an educator and researcher who has worked with companies such as Google, Facebook, and Twitter, and writes a column for Harvard Business Review. In all of his projects, Greg professes essentialism - a practical philosophy that helps to bring order to life and abandon the unnecessary. In his book “Essentialism,” recently published in Russia, he explains how to achieve this and describes the main steps to focus on what matters most. We're sharing an excerpt from the book that explains how to make the most of solitude.
Frank O'Brien is the founder of Conversation, a marketing company based in New York. It is ranked in the top 500 of thousands of privately held American companies with the fastest growing rates. In contrast to the frantic pace of work in a modern office, O'Brien introduced an unusual tradition into his company.
Conversation employs only 50 people, and Frank calls all of them to his office once a month. Mobile phones are prohibited here, and so is email. These meetings have no agenda, and the task of the participants is to create a space together in which they can think and talk. What's most interesting is that Frank organizes these meetings not on Fridays in the middle of the month, when the workload drops, but on the first Monday of the month. This tradition instills internal discipline not only among employees. Conversation clients also know that there is no point in contacting .
Frank understands that it's difficult for people to prioritize their work if they're constantly getting calls from clients. They need space to think about what is happening and highlight what is most important. Frank himself says: “I think it’s very important to take time for yourself to look around, take a deep breath and analyze the situation. For a company to grow and innovate, its employees must think clearly.” In addition, such meetings help Frank understand whether his employees are spending too much energy on unimportant things: “If someone says they can’t come because they’re too busy, I know that either that person is not working effectively or we We need to hire more staff." If his people are too busy to think, then they really are too busy.
To learn to separate the important and the unimportant, we need free space. Unfortunately, today it is not given by default, and it has to be planned. One manager I worked with admitted to staying at his job five years too long. Why? He was so busy with the internal affairs of the company that he did not even have time to figure out whether he needed these matters. Daily tasks did not allow him to take a step aside and properly analyze his situation. The vice president of a large international technology firm once told me that he spent 35 hours a week in meetings and was so engrossed in them that he could not even spare an hour a month to think about his own career or the company's strategic plans. Instead of creating space for himself to discuss what really matters, he wastes time on endless presentations and meaningless reports that have no meaning.
Before determining what is important and what is not, you need to explore all the available options. Ordinary people automatically respond to the latest offer, jump at the last chance, or respond to the latest email. Essentialists create space for reflection and analysis.
Space for creativity
I once again realized the importance of the surrounding space for reflection and research when I began working in d. School - Stanford School of Design (or, as it is officially called, the Hasso Plattner Institute of Design). I was asked to give a course of lectures there, and the first thing I noticed when I entered the classroom was the lack of chairs. Instead, there were foam cubes in the office, which, as I soon realized, were quite uncomfortable to sit on. Of course, this was not done by chance. The students sat there for just a few minutes, and then got up and began moving around the room and talking to each other. This was the essence of the idea. The school used physical space to encourage new kinds of communication and thinking.
In addition, there is a secret hideout in the school - the “noir booth”. This is a tiny room that can fit no more than three people. There are no windows or any objects that distract attention, and the walls are covered with sound-absorbing material. According to Scott Doorley and Scott Witthofft, authors of Make Space, “It's not just low tech, it's no tech at all.” "Booth Noir" is located in the basement of the school, far from the usual student routes. People come here for the sole purpose of thinking. Here students have the opportunity to think clearly and focus on a problem that interests them.
It is important for us not only what to concentrate on, but also where to concentrate.
By the way, the word “concentration” evokes the wrong associations in people. Many people believe that the focus of attention (like choice) is an object. Yes, each of us has the ability to concentrate, but concentration is not only a subject, but also a process. When I talk about focus, I don't mean that you should pick one question or option and not think about anything else. I mean creating a space where you can analyze a hundred of these questions and options. An essentialist focuses on a problem in the same way that our eye focuses on a physical object, that is, constantly adapting and adjusting to the current field of vision.
I recently attended another meeting at the Stanford School of Design. This time there were no desks or chairs in the classroom, but the entire room, from floor to ceiling, was covered with marker boards and sticky notes of all kinds of colors. At this meeting I met Jeremy Utley. Together we are developing a new course for the school, which Jeremy, in a burst of inspiration, called “Life Design.”
Its essence is to create a space for students in which they can plan their own lives. Every week they will have a lesson on their schedule dedicated solely to reflection. In our classes, they will have to turn off their laptops, smartphones and tablets and completely immerse themselves in themselves. We will give them practical tasks to distinguish between important and unimportant things. But you don't have to be a Stanford student to do all this. Each of us can learn to adjust the surrounding space to suit ourselves.
Space for concentration
One CEO I know is a very smart and motivated person, but he is constantly distracted. Every second, Twitter, Facebook and email are updated on his computer and several chats are open with different people. In an attempt to break the habit, he one day asked his assistant to unplug all the Internet cables from his computer. But even after that, my friend found ways to get online. During one large-scale project, he had to take drastic measures: he left his Blackberry at home and moved to a motel without the Internet. After eight weeks of such seclusion, he managed to complete the project.
Personally, I find such drastic measures a little sad, but my friend had good intentions. He knew that to be most effective at a task, a person needs space to think. Think of Sir Isaac Newton, who spent two years working on his Principia Mathematica, his famous work on gravity and the three laws of mechanics. All this time he hardly communicated with anyone, and it was voluntary solitude and continuous concentration that allowed him to make a breakthrough in scientific thought.
Historian Richard Westfall, who wrote a biography of Newton, notes: “When Newton was at the height of his fame, he was asked how he discovered the law of universal gravitation, and the scientist replied: “I thought about it all the time.” This and only this thought constantly occupied his consciousness.” In other words, Newton created a space in which he could concentrate on the ideas that interested him.
Inspired by Newton's story, I decided to use the same approach (perhaps in a less radical way) to write my book. Every weekday I gave myself eight hours (from five in the morning to one in the afternoon) to work. During the specified time, I did not look through mail, did not answer calls or talk to my family. I was not always able to achieve this fully, but discipline still did its job. I even set up an autoresponder in my email that sent out messages to everyone who wrote to me that I was working in “hermit mode.”
It’s hard to overstate how much freedom this approach has given me. I created space for myself to explore, think, and create, and thus not only wrote the book faster, but also learned to control the rest of the day. Now I’ll ask you a very trivial question: when was the last time you took time away from work to just sit and think? No, I don’t mean those five minutes on the subway on the way to work, during which you have time to think about your plan for the day, the program for today’s business meeting and a new project. I'm talking about consciously choosing a time and place and giving yourself over exclusively to reflection, without being distracted by extraneous stimuli.
Of course, in today's world full of gadgets and stimulation, this is not easy to achieve. One manager asked me on Twitter: “Do you even remember what boredom is? It seems we are no longer bored." And he's right. Just a few years ago, stuck at the airport or waiting for a doctor's appointment, people would just sit, stare at the wall, and get bored. Today, in such a situation, everyone will immediately turn their attention to smartphones, tablets or laptops. On the one hand, this way we prevent ourselves from getting bored, but on the other hand, we take away time from ourselves that could be used for reflection.
Here's another paradox for you. The busier and larger your project, the more time for reflection you need to build into your schedule. The more noise there is, the stronger our need for a quiet place where we can concentrate on our thoughts.
No matter how busy your schedule is, you can give yourself time and space to think. Jeff Weiner, CEO of LinkedIn, leaves two empty hours in his schedule every day. He divides them into 30-minute chunks, but doesn't plan anything during that time. This simple habit has stuck with Jeff since the days when he had so many meetings a day that he didn’t even have time to think about their results. At first, these two hours seemed like a luxury and a waste of time, but gradually he realized that they increased his productivity. Jeff believes that this is the only way he can control his day, and not surrender to the will of circumstances.
He says: “I remember one day when I was on my feet from five in the morning until nine in the evening: either participating in conference calls or attending meetings. I was very upset that my own actions did not depend on me. Everything was decided by circumstances. But behind the frustration came relief when I realized that such a day had happened only once in the last few years of work.”
In his free time, Jeff ponders big questions: What will his company be like in three years? And in five? How can its products be made even better and meet customer needs? How to increase competitive advantages or reduce the gap from competitors? In addition, during these two hours Jeff recharges himself emotionally. He can then move from problem solving to the teaching and counseling that is expected of him as a leader.
For Jeff, creating your own space is not just a healthy habit, but an entire philosophy. He saw how the disorganized pursuit of a big jackpot ruined the fate of companies and their managers. Jeff believes that personal space is not a slogan or a cliched phrase, but a philosophical, if not spiritual, concept.
Reading space
Another role model is Bill Gates, the former CEO of Microsoft, who is known to regularly take a week off and devote it to thinking and reading. I once attended Bill's press conference at the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation headquarters in Seattle. At this point, Bill had just finished another “week of reflection.” I had heard of this practice before, but I didn't know that Bill started doing it in the 1980s and never deviated from it even when Microsoft was at its peak. Even in the most difficult and stressful times in the history of the company, he devoted two weeks a year to solitude, reading articles (record - 112 articles in seven days) and books, studying technology and reflection. And today Bill takes time for himself to escape from everyday worries and think properly.
If you feel like a whole week of free time is too much, you can give yourself a “mini week of reflection” every day. For example, I devote the first 20 minutes of any morning to reading classic literature (but in no case blogs, newspapers or pulp fiction). This way I managed to get rid of the habit of checking email immediately after the alarm went off. Plus, those 20 minutes become the center of my every day. They expand my understanding of the world and remind me of truly important topics and ideas that have stood the test of time.
Personally, I prefer spiritual literature, although, of course, everyone has their own taste. But if you're interested, I can recommend a few books: Zen, The Reason of Unreason; Tao, to Know and Not Be Knowing; As a Man Thinketh; The Essential Gandhi; "Meditations" by Marcus Aurelius, as well as the Torah, the Upanishads, the Bible, Commentary on the Koran, the Book of Mormon and Henry Thoreau's autobiography "Walden, or Life in the Woods." In general, there are a lot of options. The main thing is to choose a book written before our century and considered a classic. I'm sure it will change your perspective on what's truly important. Even if the day is scheduled minute by minute, learn to set aside time for yourself, and it doesn’t matter whether it’s two hours a day, two weeks a year, or five minutes in the morning.
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Increase your power with a totem
We single people are like aerial acrobats in a circus, performing without a safety net. Criticism and sarcastic comments can throw us off balance in no time, and I am continually surprised and saddened by the number of them. Some come from strangers, some from friends and enemies pretending to be friends. Most of these people do not know what it means to live alone, and do not even suspect the extent to which their statements hurt us.
Okay, don't worry, life goes on. Without false optimism, I am sure that difficulties strengthen us and give us the opportunity to learn something, even if it may take many years to master the lesson. Perhaps our abusers are learning something too.
We must become thick-skinned. Wrap yourself in an imaginary protective cloak and let it ward off all grievances.
I learned resilience from three animals and began to consider them my totems. These are wild dog, lioness and bison.
Wild Dog Solo
As a child, I was given the book Solo by Hugo van Lawick. It tells about a wild dog puppy. After the death of her brothers in a fight with other dogs, Solo is left alone. She joins someone else's pack and tries her best to keep up with it. Strangers ignore her, but she does not give up. For me, this dog with sparkling eyes and torn ears from numerous fights is the embodiment of resilience. Her story serves as an example for me.
Lioness
During that period of my life, when the divorce process was going on, I accidentally came across one image that made a deep impression on me. On a bas-relief in the British Museum I saw an Assyrian lioness: wounded, she continues to fight. Now I see myself as a lonely lioness, restored to strength, restrained and proud.
Buffalo
Did you know that during a snowstorm, of all living creatures, only bison instinctively turn around and go straight into the heart of the storm, knowing that this is the shortest path to salvation. Perhaps I'm too carried away by anthropomorphism, but it is impossible not to fall in love with an animal that rushes towards difficulties without blinking an eye.
Solo's tenacity, the lioness's desperate resistance, and the buffalo's ability to face difficulties remind me that I should not give in to the negativity of pessimists, spiteful critics and imaginary friends.
How to love your loneliness
Even if you are not single at heart and without a romantic relationship you do not feel like you are living life to the fullest, loneliness does not have to weigh on you. Treat it as an opportunity - and then you will be happier even before the right person appears nearby. Here are some perks of living without a partner that will help with that.
Personal growth.
Without relationships, you are more likely to learn, try new things, build a career. A five-year study of the relationship between marital status and psychological well-being revealed such a pattern. When it came to personal growth, people who were single throughout the study were more likely to agree with the statement: “For me, life has been a continuous process of learning, changing and growing.” Married people, on the other hand, tended to respond like this: “I have long given up trying to make big improvements or changes in my life.”
Freedom.
Solitude gives freedom. And this is not just a common phrase. Many stories told by single people end with the phrase, “I couldn’t do this if I were married.” For the sake of relationships, people give up their dream job, hobbies and friends, stay in a city where they don’t want to live, or, conversely, leave the place they love to be with someone.
Personal space.
The pandemic, isolation and the increased number of divorces against its background have shown: it is not so easy to love a person if he is nearby 24/7. Personal space is so necessary that some couples live separately, even if they are married and have children. Additionally, people sleep better when they sleep alone. So maybe living alone isn't so bad?
Turn your lonely life into a project
Why not write a book about your single life story or document it? What helps you? What advice would you give to other people in the same situation? What challenges have you faced and what lessons have you learned from them? How did the process of changing your sense of self from “I’m alone” to “I’m on my own” develop?
Many women have written about their experiences of secluded life, including Joan Anderson (A Year by the Sea), Anne-Morrow Lindbergh (Gift of the Sea), and Alix Cates Shulman (Drinking in the Rain). Read it. Perhaps you will find something inspiring in these books.
A full life alone is an internal attitude that cannot be formed on its own. Explore new experiences as if you were in a strange land, and draw a map of your life alone, as if it were an island. What is good about this island, and where are the problems? What beauties are you proud of? What corners have not yet been explored?
Stressful state
Not everyone is able to perceive loneliness correctly. This feeling causes a negative reaction in both women and the stronger sex. Many people believe that life without a loved one or friends has no meaning. Feelings of loneliness provoke discomfort and fear, and this is normal. Experts say that this condition is a stressful situation. Nevertheless, it gives a person an excellent opportunity to unwind, work on his own personality and look at life calmly, judiciously, as if from the outside. It is important to find a reasonable balance between the time spent with others and the minutes and hours that the individual devotes to himself. Avoiding loneliness at all costs is not a good idea. After all, this is how you can end up in a society of dishonest people. Some individuals have a circle of distant acquaintances with whom they constantly communicate. But this often leads to serious problems.
Be kind to yourself
We women are prone to harsh self-criticism, and it seems to me that living alone exacerbates this quality of ours. Sometimes I feel like the central mast of a circus big top - when I have to be responsible for everything at once - and I don’t always cope with this load successfully. We demand too much from ourselves, and when we don't meet our own expectations, it significantly undermines our self-esteem.
Not everything is going smoothly for everyone. So don't think about others. Congratulate yourself on the progress you have made and do not be afraid of what remains to be accomplished. Everything will work out.
Each of us has our own path, and it is different for everyone.
Anxiety arises
Constant companions of loneliness are internal fear, which gives rise to anxiety. Especially in the initial stages, there is no hiding from this. The reason lies in the genetic memory of a person, because in ancient times, people expelled from their clan simply died.
When the state of loneliness drags on, anxiety develops into a fear of communicating with other people. This development of events is fraught with exclusion from society. A person is slowly shielding himself from everyone whom he could join and find new friends and like-minded people.
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Find your ikigai - your purpose
The Japanese have a concept called ikigai - the reason that makes them get up in the morning. This is a person’s healthy craving for what fills his life with meaning; in other words, the goal. Finding it means finding the direction of movement; it's like marking a destination on Google Maps.
If you don’t set yourself such global goals as finding a higher goal or calling, if you’re not at all interested in that, don’t worry. Not everyone is born for a great mission.
There are many threads of experience in our lives that point the way to our goal. It happens that it is already known, but perhaps it is hidden on the periphery or in the past. Look into the depths of your consciousness and search hard. The goal does not have to be global and great. The main thing is that it suits you. She will be found; and you don't have to chase it too hard. Life constantly talks to us and gives us hints. Our job is to listen.
Losing the meaning of familiar things
Lonely people become so accustomed to their condition that they sometimes plunge headlong into it, completely losing the meaning of previously valuable things. For example, someone refuses to start a family or stops dreaming about fatherhood/motherhood. There is only one argument: “It’s not bad for me alone.” But such a change in outlook on the world leads to prolonged loneliness and increased depression.
Often loneliness “eats” a person’s productivity - he becomes lazy, loses his job and loses the motivation to earn money for a living, which is why he slides into poverty. There are also opposite examples, when single people immerse themselves in their careers - in this case, they deprive themselves of family happiness and entertainment. In addition, excessive passion for work is fraught with emotional burnout, which gives rise to even deeper depression. Vicious circle.
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Nikolai Fomenko's secret daughter Darina forgave her father who abandoned her
Be your own good company, encourager and supporter.
You are your own team. One person team. You spend more time with yourself than anyone else, so try to be your own good company. I'm lucky. I feel good alone with myself. But if everything is wrong with you, how can you improve the situation?
People rarely compliment or praise others, so fill that vacuum yourself. Don't wait for someone to tell you "well done" or "great job." Pat yourself on the back systematically. You do not lose heart and move on - this is already worthy of praise.
List of books
People suffering from loneliness will find it useful to read special literature that will help them better understand the situation:
1. Psychology and psychopathology of loneliness and group isolation. Lebedev V.I.
2. Psychology of loneliness. Korchagina S.G.
3. Me and the world of objects. Experience in the philosophy of loneliness and communication. Berdyaev. ON THE.
4. Labyrinths of loneliness. Pokrovsky Nikita.
5. Mastering loneliness. Pokrass Mikhail.
The main thing is to recognize the problem in time and take steps to eliminate it. Sometimes it is better not to let things take their course, which can aggravate the situation, but to seek the help of a specialist in a timely manner. After all, living without sadness is much better.
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Slam the door in the face of all negativity
If you are tormented by negative thoughts, do not brush them aside, but acknowledge them. You can even give them names if it helps: “you are pettiness”, “you are impatience”, “you are tired and frustrated”. Now, with Nora's determination, slam the door in their face so they don't ruin your life anymore.
Instead of complaining about how and why you ended up in a particular situation, find the nearest reflective surface and say out loud what you are going to do about the situation.
Of course, anything happens in life. I don't live in a fantasy world and don't wear rose-colored glasses. My heart still shrinks a little from the sound of my “thank you” to the cashier at the supermarket, said in a voice hoarse from a whole day of silence. And sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and can’t sleep from worry. I miss the calming feeling of having someone nearby who I can rely on.
The thoughts in your head are not idle, and negativity always does its dirty work. They whisper in your ear: “You are old. You're ugly. You're a loser. You are fat. Is it possible to love you? What good are you to the world?” Women are very strong by nature, and it is doubly offensive that we voluntarily become hostages of these vile voices in our heads.
Fight them as best you can, do not succumb to their corrupting influence. We must deprive them of their strength, otherwise they will take root and bloom magnificently. Don't let yourself get bogged down in habitual dissatisfaction with everyone and everything: this is an emotional dead end. Pull yourself out of the swamp, shake off the dirt and move on. You choose your thoughts.
Depression sets in slowly
Being alone for a long time gives rise to depression, which first appears periodically, and then covers the head for years. The cause of depression is a lack of communication with the outside world and interaction with other people.
Finding himself alone, a person begins to experience not just boredom from the monotony of life, but also his uselessness to the world around him. Against the background of depression, stress begins to develop, due to which not only the mood worsens, but also health problems begin.
Finding himself alone, a person begins to feel helpless, dissatisfied, he becomes a pessimist with low self-esteem. Against the background of these conditions, his life begins to deteriorate, its level drops.
Act as if...
The words we choose significantly influence our sense of self, our approach to many things, and the outcome of our actions. The more often you say “I want...” or “I need...”, the less likely you are to get what you want. Instead, act as if everything has already happened and you are reaping the benefits. Replace “I would like to be successful” with “I am successful” and “I would like to have a job that I like” with “I have a great job” and behave accordingly. You will immediately notice dramatic changes in your attitude towards the world. This inner mindset is much more likely to lead you to success.
I am confident in the effectiveness of this technique, because I myself was forced to look for a full-time job when I was already over fifty, and everything worked out. Now I have to do it again. A harmful inner voice whispers: “I’m too old, no one will hire me.” I understand that such prophecies turn into a disaster, so I consciously changed my internal attitude to “Now I bring a lot of benefit to my clients. I am calm about my abilities, confident in them, I have significant valuable experience behind me.”
However, sitting at home, doing positive auto-training, reading “The Secret” and eating crumpets, I’m unlikely to find a job. To do this, I have to shake up my connections and send out a resume with a compelling cover letter. Now I approach this task with confidence and act as if...
If you can’t act on the “as if…” principle, try rephrasing the problems in a positive, pragmatic way, look at them as problems for which you simply need to find solutions.
- It was: “I can’t afford this.” It became: “How can I make it so that I can afford it?”
- It was: “I can’t.” It became: “How can I do it?”
- It was: “I find this difficult.” It became: “I’m working in this direction.”
- It was, “I should have.” It became: “I will do it.”
In general, the idea is clear.
How to deal with the situation
In order to restore mental balance, to feel not alone, but harmoniously, even without a partner, to be able to find a common language with everyone around you, it is enough to perform a rather simple manipulation of a psychological nature: to work through this internal feeling of uselessness, which was inherent almost in childhood.
The process of establishing psychological contact with parents should be carried out. Moreover, physical contact with them is not always required. In real life, relationships may not change at all. But after working on yourself, you can feel calmer, more holistic and more fulfilled. After this, a person will calm down inside, feel more mature and will be able to build more harmonious relationships with others based on the type of exchange, rather than looking for those who can plug the hole of loneliness in the soul.
An effective self-help practice that helps in this case is as follows:
- Letter practice . You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is take a piece of paper and a pen and write letters to mom and dad, pouring out absolutely all the complaints that you have accumulated throughout your life. Everything you remember. Don't analyze. In the first days it may not work out well, but over time the feelings will rise and you will be able to free yourself from the burden. Just write every day.
- Keep a reflective journal . Every day, write down your feelings and emotions: what offended you, what scared you and what upset you.
There are several reasons for painful loneliness. External is laziness to look for a partner, friends, hobbies and passions. A person just sits at home and nothing happens in his life month after month. Then the realization comes that this is complete loneliness. Action is needed here.
Why do large families live longer? More details
Or a person goes on dates, invites friends, but the meetings do not produce results. Then you need to learn to communicate, make friends, trust. This is a matter of technology.
An internal cause is the presence of psychological trauma, which in the present moment significantly affects the quality of life, reactions, mood, and behavior. Against the background of trauma, a person may be afraid of intimacy, remain abandoned, rejected and betrayed, and experience this pain again. And you can’t handle this on your own: you need the help of a specialist.
Classification of the condition according to the criterion of life circumstances. Situational and chronic loneliness
Psychologists who adhere to this division of loneliness into categories emphasize: in most cases, loneliness for a person is a temporary state. Sometimes it can be an unpleasant feeling of abandonment due to a canceled date or a failed meeting with a friend. Loneliness lasts longer after a divorce or due to the death of a loved one. In this case, it can torment a person for months and years.
Psychologists call loneliness that arises for objective reasons situational. It is provoked by a certain situation - the inability to be close to a loved one, the emergence of a conflict or death. But if the feeling of abandonment does not weaken over time, such loneliness is called chronic. It means that regardless of what happens, a person feels abandoned by everyone.
People with low self-esteem, modest, and withdrawn suffer the most from chronic loneliness. Getting rid of this type of loneliness is more difficult than situational loneliness. Usually in these cases it is impossible to do without long-term work with a psychotherapist.
Is it possible to feel alone in a family environment?
Feelings of loneliness in the family are not uncommon. When a person lives among those people who do not share his interests and views on the world, life under the same roof becomes very difficult, even if these are immediate relatives. It is recommended to work through the feeling of internal vacuum together with a psychologist to find out its true causes. If a person does not know how to build relationships with family members, then establishing a communication process with family and friends will help overcome this problem. If you can’t establish contact, perhaps you should think about living separately. Ultimately, no one is obligated to satisfy a person’s spiritual needs. If your mother, father, or spouse is acting distant, it may be time to think about other people who can help fill the feeling of emotional emptiness.
Voluntary and forced loneliness
In addition to other types of seclusion, it can also be forced or voluntary. People often experience the first type when they are left alone for a period of time, or when they lose family and friends. This also includes imprisonment. But if a person refuses to let go of a loved one who is no longer there, or if he refuses to find friends, then this person experiences a second type of loneliness - voluntary. The same hermits can also be called people who have decided on voluntary solitude.
Prevalence of the problem
Living alone is not as rare a problem as it might seem at first glance. Sometimes it seems that the world is often filled with family people or those who have close people and friends. But in reality, there is no person who, at some stage in his life, would not experience the heavy burden of loneliness. Only the embryo in the womb is protected one hundred percent from this feeling. The rest of the time - from birth to death - all people are periodically doomed to experience it. Is living alone a good thing or a bad thing? In reality, everything here depends on the situation.
