Author of the article: Naumenko Alexandra Igorevna Family psychologist, child psychologist. Practical work experience: 8 years.
In relationships with family, friends, work colleagues, and even with ourselves, we appear in a certain role. Whether this role is a victim or a winner depends on individual character traits, upbringing and experience. It is interesting that the roles of the participants taking part in communication are distributed a few seconds before the start of interaction, and this happens most often on an unconscious level.
Personality psychology is directly related to how well a person is able to experience negative experiences and stress, and what efforts he makes to solve problems. It depends on this what role he will play - the winner or the victim. Often this choice depends on the nature of the stress, willpower and temperament of the individual. Today we will talk about the position of the victim in psychology.
Everything you see is a lie
You can play the role of Victim, Aggressor or Rescuer for years. Sometimes this becomes a life strategy and is fixed in character traits. But the Karpman triangle is dynamic. People in a codependent couple change roles - this can happen several times in an hour (for example, during a conflict). And sometimes the roles seem to remain stable - there was simply no corresponding trigger.
“The ultimate goal of this game is to become a victim. Rescuers will put themselves in the position of the hunted in order to then move into the position of the victim. For example, they may subconsciously offer someone the only necessary and correct help. The rescuer may also try to help someone who does not need help. In this case, he may be rejected - then he will feel resentful and become a victim.”
Source
Here's how the drama inside a triangle can unfold:
“I was just trying to help you (the Rescuer comes on stage, he is annoyed, disappointed) ... Not only did you not appreciate my help, but you also attacked me with claims that I was minding my own business! (The Rescuer goes into Victim mode.) Sorry, but what you answered me is already too much... I didn’t want to say this, but now I have to!.. (The Victim is “forced to defend himself” - and becomes the Aggressor).”
American psychologist and psychotherapist Claude Steiner believed: “The victim in reality is not as helpless as he feels. The Rescuer is not really helping, and the Pursuer has no valid claim against the other.”
“Victim” - a term and a life scenario
Many people are probably familiar with people who complain about life all the time, but at the same time do not want to change anything, believing that others are to blame for everything. The position of the victim in psychology is simple: instead of taking control of the situation and making every possible effort to solve it, a person shifts all responsibility to others and, complaining about fate, submits to any outside influence.
No one is immune from the victim mentality. Unresolved problems and increasing stress, coupled with the inability to overcome life's difficulties, often drive a person into a trap. The danger is that this role can “stick” to a person for many years - he gets used to complaining about life and can no longer imagine himself in another role.
The victim is easily recognized by his dull gaze, low shoulders, and lack of ability to enjoy life.
The psychology of the victim in a relationship is determined by the following markers:
- complaints, claims and grievances. The victim is confident that others are discriminating against him. With her lamentations and suffering, she in every possible way emphasizes her importance. At the same time, a person may not realize that he is putting himself above others. After all, suffering is “so painful”, “sad”, “unique”, and only he is able to “endure the misfortunes that befall him”;
- the need for love, attention, understanding, sympathy and support from others. Often people are afraid to directly, openly ask for love or attention, which makes it seem that the only right decision is to try on the role of the victim. In psychology, this position is a kind of “martyrdom” request for interaction. At the same time, it does not matter to the victim that this is just a surrogate for attention mixed with negativity. The main thing is to achieve your goal and get it.
- unwillingness to take responsibility for one's life. The victim sincerely believes that someone is responsible for her happiness and well-being, and always finds a lot of “culprits” for her problems.
- infantile (childish) attitude to life. A victim is when a child as a child was forced to put up with circumstances that he had no opportunity to change. Lived where they said. I ate what was prepared. I did what the adults thought was necessary.
Find ten differences
We have already written that codependent people do not have a clear idea of personal boundaries. But it is their stability that allows the individual to develop and realize himself. Our boundaries provide security for what is at the core of our self-identity.
Psychological boundaries separate “self” and “others” into different domains. Let's look at a few examples of how the attitudes of codependent and independent people differ.
Victim syndrome in psychology: causes
As we grow up, we learn to build our lives the way we see fit, and the role of the victim gradually becomes unnecessary. However, for some, being a victim is convenient. No self-criticism or responsibility, no need to be ashamed of your weaknesses and control your actions. At the same time, distorted thinking prevents you from building normal relationships with others, working and living a full life.
Another reason could be fear of authority figures. You can often notice how an adult who behaved confidently and independently just a minute ago seems to “shrink” in the presence of authority. Out of nowhere, passivity turns on and not a trace remains of the former proactivity. The fear of being punished, ridiculed, or misunderstood binds a person hand and foot. We see not an adult, but a guilty child who awaits fair punishment from a strict parent. The role of authority can be played by a real parent, a direct boss, or simply an influential person.
An equally common cause of the victim complex in psychology is self-doubt. Anyone who considers himself a failure in life and blames himself for everything that happens automatically takes the position of a victim. The feeling of worthlessness makes him helpless in a fast-changing, unpredictable and cruel world.
"Inner child" without projections
How to get out of the shackles of codependency? Berry and Janey Weinhold suggest analyzing our situation and reconsidering our views on many things that seem obvious to us. To begin with, you can take a test to identify signs of unfinished processes in childhood on the codependency scale.
The Wineholds represent the so-called evolutionary approach to the problem.
“Painful and distressing events can be viewed as developmental crises rather than emotional disorders or mental illnesses. Here are key principles to help you understand the causes of codependency:
- Human development is a continuous process, from the moment of conception until death. This process is sequential: one stage helps to form the next;
- any developmental task that could not be overcome at the appropriate age becomes “additional baggage” later. If many tasks are not solved in the required sequence, human development is overloaded and disrupted;
- incomplete stages of development will strive for completion at every opportunity. Any situation that reminds you of some past event at an unfinished stage of development will bring this unfinished process to the fore. People say they are filled with old feelings or memories of the past. They feel like they are rubber-banded to the original emotional experience when they first tried to complete this stage...”
There is a problem?
Experts advise to behave differently in such situations. For example, if someone is following you on the street. First, stop and look around in search of a safe place (an area under a lamp, an illuminated storefront, etc.). Because a running man is very vulnerable to his opponent! You can push him, trip him, throw a stone at his back. Not to mention the fact that out of fear he himself may run in the wrong direction.
Secondly, take some object in your hand for protection (stick, stone, sand to throw it at the attacker’s eyes, etc.). An ordinary pen, pencil, or umbrella can become a rather painful weapon when struck with a bayonet into the enemy’s weak spots (face, ears, groin, etc.).
And thirdly, to send a signal of danger to unsuspecting civilians. For example, knocking a key on the window of a nearby store, throwing a stone at the window of a neighboring house, jumping on the hood of a nearby car (the alarm will sound). You can set fire to the grass, your own scarf, use an ordinary whistle, etc. Some villains were stopped by a simple, hysterical scream from the victim like: “Don’t come, I’ll open your veins!”, “I hate it, I’ll throw myself out the window!” - and further in the text.
People are always afraid of what they do not understand. M. Curie
Of course, a victim complex is not a gift. We need to get rid of it urgently!
Get busy
Switch from suffering to something diametrically opposite and truly important - go with volunteers to an orphanage, give some of your clothes to those in need. Take part in the restoration of the temple, feed the dogs at the shelter. Only a socially useful and socially positive act can make you rise above the situation and begin to experience new emotions.
Talking and going to psychologists will not help the matter; a person must see from his own experience how pleasant it is to be useful and needed and that the emotions from good deeds are much sweeter than endless suffering.
Photo: iStock/GettyImages.ru
Clue
Start simple - with self-defense classes. They are a good help for those who want to stop being a victim. By the way, they often relieve women of other accumulated problems. The main thing is to take the first step towards your healing.
One of the neurolinguistic programming (NLP) techniques, the so-called anchor of confidence and calm, will also help with this. Remember a situation in your life in which you showed yourself to be “well done” (for example, you successfully passed some extremely difficult exam). Do you see yourself inside this image? If not, then it's bad. Try to fit inside your picture - see with your own eyes that situation as you saw it then, in reality. If you do everything correctly, you will again feel proud of yourself, and with it comes confidence in your strengths, knowledge, and skills. As soon as this happens, grab yourself by the earlobe. The “anchor” has been set for the successful development of events! Now, in any situation that seems insoluble for you, this one gesture will be enough to give you strong confidence in your abilities.
And the last step. Let's get rid of ourselves from yesterday. Human relations specialist Louise Hay advises, for example, to knock out old grievances with an ordinary stick for knocking out dust. Take something soft (an old coat, a pillow, a “thought” from the sofa) and hit it with all your might, shouting various offensive words until you are completely exhausted... The personality of the “frog princess” is very liberating! It also removes throat and other bodily tension (which, as is known, contributes to the development of cancer).
You can give your last year’s grievances a real funeral. To do this, take and put notes in some box listing everything that you remember, but it would be better to forget altogether (a paradox, but you will be surprised when you see how few of them there actually are). Tear them all into small pieces and burn them in some secluded place. Flush the ashes down the toilet. This psychological technique will help you live in a new way. What was required to achieve...
When you need a specialist
The help of a psychologist is needed when you cannot find the answers to these questions yourself - or you find it difficult to figure out how to interact with people differently, not the way you are used to. A psychologist can also help if the inertia of the habit is too great and you can’t get out of the “victim” position on your own. You can sign up for a consultation using the link: – I’ll be happy to help.
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Saying goodbye to being a victim
“The life of someone who has given up the role of victim becomes truly fulfilling.
A person begins to breathe deeply when he discovers that a lot depends on him and a lot does not depend on him. For example, he can keep his distance from toxic people and get closer to those who are able to share their warmth, support in difficult times, with whom he can exchange experience and knowledge. But he is not only unable to magically influence events that go beyond the boundaries of his responsibility, the attitude and mood of those around him, but there is no need to,” says Nadezhda Georgieva.
Farewell to the role of the victim may drag on for years, but the one who walks will master the road. “Analyze in what situations you behave like a victim, learn new strategies and tactics of behavior,”
- the psychologist directs.
And he concludes: “In a sense, learned helplessness is pessimism instilled in childhood. But for those who have managed to grow up, nothing prevents them from correcting parental mistakes and developing responsibility and a realistic view of reality.”
How to get out of the victim position
Follow just two important recommendations.
Believe in your worth and stand up for it
The first step to overcoming the victim complex is realizing the value of your personality. Don't let anyone challenge or diminish your importance. Never put yourself below others.
Start acting like a strong person
Develop the habits of free and independent people, get rid of self-condemnation and complaints about life. Do not expect gifts from fortune, rely on your own strength.
Don't be afraid to speak your mind
First of all, you must formulate this very opinion. Very often, people are lazy to think and believe that they can do without them, thereby depriving themselves of a lot of things - career advancement, the role of the soul of the company. If you want to be taken into account, avoid uncertainty, read books, study what is going on in the world - develop yourself if you don’t want to be a faceless spot whose name everyone forgets a minute after meeting you. And if you don’t understand something, but want to understand the issue, don’t hesitate to ask for it to be explained to you. Intelligent people do just that.
Advice was given by Viktor Ponomarenko
Photo: Personal archive
