How to understand that a relationship has outlived its usefulness and it’s time to leave: signs

Hello, dear readers! At first glance, ideal couples can hide many problems that are simply unbearable to the outside. There are no absolutely harmonious relationships. But in one case it’s just a disagreement between lovers, in another it’s people who are strangers to each other, who don’t admit it to themselves for various reasons. So, how do you understand that a relationship has outlived its usefulness and it’s time to leave? How to realize in time that precious years are wasted in contact with a person with whom there is no future? We’ll figure it out below on the website, and at the same time we’ll find out what a toxic relationship is and how to get out of it.

What is love

A person in love will answer that love is a feeling of euphoria, the feeling of wings behind your back. Psychologists consider the feeling of falling in love as a complex of chemical reactions similar to drug intoxication with an admixture of schizophrenic illusions. A rejected person will describe love as pain that burns from the inside. Therefore, to such a simple question, there are thousands of answers and all of them are correct. Like the concept of love, love relationships are also individual, and it is impossible to determine when it is time to end them from the outside. Of course, except for an experienced psychologist who will be so imbued with the sessions that he will become part of them.

Love is neither good nor bad, it is a feeling of attachment, emotional dependence on another person.

You should not listen to the advice of glossy magazines, take unscientific tests, or seek the help of fortune telling from gloomy oracles. You need to understand yourself, your fears, feelings, and learn to discuss the problem with your partner. How and where to start can already be helped by advice based not on theory, but on the experience of eminent psychologists. Thanks to feedback and many years of practice, a number of universal criteria have been built that indicate an unhealthy attachment without a future, with variables remaining unchanged.

Final Thoughts

You shouldn't feel the need to look for one specific reason to justify wanting to break up. If you are no longer happy and feel that you cannot form a normal relationship with this person, then it is better to end it. It can be hard and it takes time to heal and move on. But time heals wounds. As a result, you will become stronger, wiser and happier.

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Relationship crisis

Not every quarrel or cooling of feelings indicates the collapse of the union. First, it is worth discussing the symptoms that indicate that there is a future, and that what is happening is only a protracted disagreement or an imminent crisis, and not the end of the relationship. Jumps of feelings happen among those who have just decided to live together, among spouses with 20 years of experience, among those who have been dating for only six months. Psychology comes to the rescue here too, to keep together those who can be happy.

Signs of a time of crisis:

Desire to be alone. You need to take a break from your significant other, this is written in any textbook on family psychology. Especially if the couple lives together and works in the same company. If, after meeting with friends or drinking cappuccino alone in the park, you feel that you miss your loved one, everything is fine. And, if, after a week-long business trip, you sigh heavily at the thought of an early meeting, you need to leave.
Quarrels over plans for the future. If disputes often arise about how the bathroom will be renovated or the nursery will be equipped, there is no need to be alarmed. Only loving people who care about their life together look for a compromise and try to make their common future comfortable. It’s bad when you are completely indifferent to what your partner wants, thinks, when you don’t want to share your plans.
Constant quarrels. It is completely normal for two choleric people to have emotional strife. But only if, after a scandal and slamming of doors, the time comes to calm down and discuss the conflict.
Manipulation. Complex and subtle criterion. Manipulating a partner is a type of psychological violence that should not happen in a couple. If hysterics and refusal of sex are an isolated incident, then this is a reason for a calm conversation. But constant provocations are dangerous, they cannot be tolerated, this is a clear sign of an unhealthy, toxic relationship.
Thirst for power. Everyone has difficult times at work, in understanding themselves. At such moments, you want to become a leader somewhere. Most often, the blow falls on the family and significant other. But such a period must come to an end, and the culprit must feel responsible for what he has done. There is no division of power in a couple; partners are equal.
Lack of support. There is such a concept - “healthy egoism,” which means self-love, unwillingness to bend to the needs of another, to the detriment of oneself. The famous psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky advises putting your desires above all else. Only by respecting yourself will you be able to respect your partner and receive respect in return. It is impossible without mutual respect; understanding and support in difficult situations are built on it. It’s normal to defend your opinion when disagreements arise, but at the same time, be sure to look for a compromise that suits both.

Does your girlfriend respect you?

A decent woman will never openly criticize or humiliate her man.

Loving - will give advice on how to become better, help and support.

Lack of respect manifests itself even in small things. She may mock you for flaws in your appearance or your position at work. Don't let her manipulate you.

Every couple has quarrels. This is fine. Emotions push us to release accumulated stress.

If they become constant, and her dissatisfaction becomes daily, it is better to end it. An unwillingness to calmly resolve conflicts is a sign of a dead relationship.

It doesn’t happen that one person is to blame for everything. You're both to blame. Most likely, she is not able to realistically assess herself and the situation.

How to break up correctly

So, the relationship can no longer be saved, talking doesn’t help, there are a lot of emotions, but fear dulls logic. It's really difficult to initiate a breakup. But it’s difficult to take just the first step. There is a new life ahead, meetings, emotions. They are worth breaking the vicious circle of suffering and endless nervousness. Firstly, you need to admit that it is not love that holds you together with your partner, but dependence, your own fears, and it is possible to sort it out only by ending the toxic relationship.

The next step will be to restore self-esteem and self-sufficiency. There is no need to rush into a new relationship or change your hairstyle. Psychologists associate lack of self-confidence and the need for constant emotional support from a partner with childhood traumas. They are treated through consultations and hypnosis sessions. If this is not the first experience of an unpromising relationship, it may be worth saving money for a psychotherapist. But meditation, sports training, and learning new and interesting things can raise vitality and self-confidence.

Here are some tips that can be found on YouTube absolutely free:

don’t put off desires and opportunities, do what you want right now (go on vacation, learn a new language, do the splits);
don’t be afraid of losing people and money, speak out directly what you’re not happy with, even to close people (stop indulging in parental instructions if you’re already over 30 and treated like a child, change your job if it doesn’t bring you joy);
stop being afraid to open up to a new connection, just understand for yourself, “... it may or may not work out well, but I’m not afraid and I’m not avoiding relationships”;
learn to respect yourself, only the one who values herself and her interests can become interesting to the opposite sex, only the one who is afraid of losing;

A man cannot manipulate someone who does not need him and who does not depend on him.

don’t waste time on married men, don’t give a second chance to those who cheated, don’t tolerate your partner solely for material gain;
stop feeling sorry for yourself and listening to sad songs, shedding tears, put your energy into development, accept what happened as an invaluable experience, remember that depression is a clinical diagnosis, and what is happening to you is most likely asthenia, a decrease in vitality, which is treated with vitamins and active lifestyle;
after a breakup, don’t look for meetings, excuses for your lover’s actions, don’t look at photos together, don’t force the experience of emotions, cry, but not for more than a week, and then set a goal for a new life and happiness, first with yourself.

Why is it difficult to decide to break up?

We have looked at in what cases it is worth ending a relationship, and when it makes sense to fight and try to save it.

Now I will tell you why it is so difficult to decide to break up, even when it comes to destructive relationships: codependency, abuse or lack of feelings.

Secondary Benefits

We often don't realize it, but even in the worst relationships, both parties will receive certain benefits. Let me give you a few examples:

The wife does not love her husband and tolerates him, but the husband is fabulously rich. Money is a secondary benefit that the wife cannot refuse. They make it difficult to decide on a divorce.
The daughter lives with a toxic mother. Everything is bad: my mother gets to the bottom of my appearance, humiliates me, and tells me to find a normal job. The other side of the coin: even living with such a fury, you can enjoy secondary benefits. There is no need to look for housing, there is always a hot lunch on the table, you can grab it before payday. So the daughter is in no hurry to move out, although the relationship has already exhausted both of them.

Even in the worst relationship, both parties will receive certain benefits

The difficulty is that not everyone realizes the existence of secondary benefits and replaces them with something else, not understanding why they cannot leave their partner. And this is where the devil lies: in order to end a relationship, you need to realize the existence of such benefits and find out what can replace them with when breaking up. A qualified psychologist can help you with this; it is often impossible to achieve this on your own. After all, we are talking about our subconscious, which you can’t easily get into.

Low self-esteem

Another common reason for fear of separation is low self-esteem. Yes, I don’t love him, but who needs me besides him? All my life I was a gray mouse, I stood at the disco against the wall, no one will love me anymore.

This position is vicious and wrong. In this case, you need to start by working on self-esteem, and only then - on relationships. You can read about self-esteem and ways to increase it in my article.

Fear of loneliness

This is more typical for women, that’s why we are the weaker sex. It happens that a spouse does not decide to divorce precisely and only because she is afraid of being left alone. And then there’s some guy next to me. There may be no feelings, but there is a strong shoulder.

The fear of loneliness does not arise out of nowhere: it usually correlates with low self-esteem, when a woman believes that she will remain alone because no one needs her, and with secondary gain. I don’t like it, but I have someone to fix the faucet and hammer in a nail.

You need to work through such fear in a comprehensive manner, preferably together with a psychologist. You need to work with self-esteem, identify hidden secondary benefits and understand the causes of the phobia.

Fear of regretting a breakup in the future

A completely understandable phobia. There are plenty of examples from life when women greatly regretted leaving a good man.

A strong woman cries at the window - it's about the same thing

However, this is where the survivor's bias effect can come into play: if you only communicate with women who regretted their divorce, it may seem that everyone regrets it. In fact, there are no less of those who are divorced and are just rejoicing, and perhaps even more.

How to overcome fear and not regret breaking up? The point is that breaking up is a decision just like any other. If you are afraid of making a mistake, it means that you do not know how to make the right decisions in principle.

You can find out how to make the right decision here. I will briefly list the main points:

If time is on your side, don't rush into a decision. Perhaps the problem will resolve itself.
Ask advice from competent people : friends, acquaintances, relatives. It can be seen better from the outside.
Expand the task. Breaking up is not always the only solution. You can separate for a while, go to a psychologist, try new formats of family life.
Don't make hasty decisions. Filing an application after a quarrel is not the best option.
Write down the pros and cons of the breakup on a piece of paper. If the positives outweigh, perhaps all is not lost. But again with the caveat that we are not talking about codependency or abuse.
If you don’t know what to do, act according to your conscience. It seems that divorce is the most logical thing you can imagine in your situation, but the cats are scratching at your soul and your soul is not in the right place. In this case, you should at least wait.

You can't be open with your partner

If you notice that you have stopped opening up to your loved one, talking heart to heart with him, this may be a sign of the end of a relationship that can no longer be saved. You cannot trust your partner, which means that you have lost the most important thing - love, mutual understanding. In this case, it is easier to break up and remain friends than to live like strangers and be afraid to open up to your partner.

We hope that with our advice it will be easier for you to understand that the relationship is coming to an end, and to leave more wisely and painlessly, like adults. Don’t be sad, because the end of an old relationship always means that new ones are waiting for you. We wish them to be successful and happy!