Toxic Love: 5 Steps to Leave a Toxic Relationship

What relationships are called toxic?​

“Toxic relationships” is an informal psychological term. But he very clearly describes how a person feels when dealing with certain individuals from his close (or not so close) environment. This is any interaction between people that brings emotional pain and complete depletion of the resources of one of the parties. Being in a toxic relationship means constantly experiencing depression, guilt, fear, and anxiety. A whole range of emotions and feelings, but they all have a negative connotation. [1]

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Toxic relationships seem to be easy to recognize. Why so many problems in communicating with colleagues, husband/wife, friends, relatives, because you can just cut off all ties? Unfortunately, toxic human behavior is often not considered as such, and we live for years without noticing what exactly destroys relationships that at first seemed ideal.

Recovery

For some, recovering from a toxic relationship is easy. They have suffered so much in them that they enjoy every minute of their free and comfortable existence. Others require self-rehabilitation to get used to the new state of affairs and forget the horror of the past. Still others cannot cope without a psychotherapist, as a feeling of guilt for what happened, a complex, and a broken heart come to the surface.

10 things to help you survive the end of a toxic relationship:

1. Help from a psychotherapist.
2. Support from loved ones.
3. The absence of unpleasant people around.
4. Self-care.
5. Sports, active life.
6. Complete nutrition.
7. Healthy sleep.
8. Hobbies, creativity, hobbies.
9. Communication that brings joy.
10. Diary entries, self-reflection.

It is undesirable to try to build a happy, beautiful life the very next day after a breakup. Everything needs to be done gradually, in small steps. Many people think that this negative experience will haunt them forever; There are worries about how to build normal ones after a toxic relationship. Psychologists advise, first of all, not to get hung up on this, not to cultivate complexes within yourself, to be open to the world - and then this problem will go away.

Who can have toxic relationships?

The phrase “toxic behavior” is more often heard in the context of relationships between a man and a woman. But in fact, you can encounter a person who will slowly but surely “poison” your life anywhere and anytime.

Let's look at special cases of toxic relationships.

1. Parents and children

Bonds with parents and other older relatives take years to form. But in some cases it is simply necessary to change this stable system.

According to American psychotherapist Jenny Miller, it is the younger generation who suffer more from toxic relationships between parents and children. The specialist identifies a number of mistakes on the part of parents that can “poison” a child’s life:

• aggression and excessive severity;
• excessive care and control;
• indifference;
• humiliation;
• emotional blackmail;
• imposing one's opinion;
• excessive demands;
• constant violation of personal boundaries;
• “emotional carousel” - sometimes a tough attitude, sometimes manifestations of kindness.

Toxic parents, perhaps sometimes without realizing it, instill in the child feelings of fear, self-doubt, guilt, and shame. Hence the numerous personal problems that prevent him from building relationships with a partner, doing what he loves, and achieving heights in adulthood.

Children of toxic parents often repeat, in one way or another, the traumatic experiences of their family relationships. A girl from a family of alcoholics marries a man with an addiction, experiencing the full spectrum of negativity from her loved one’s drunkenness. And a boy raised by an emotionally cold mother finds exactly the same wife and suffers for many years from a toxic relationship with a woman who does not show warmth and affection. [2]

1. Spouses

Toxic relationships with a husband or wife in a family can vary both in form and in the degree of destructive power. But there is also a common characteristic - gradually developing dependence on a partner.

Experts say that people who suffer from a toxic marriage on one side often cannot imagine their lives in an emotionally healthy marriage. And no matter how bad the victim of the manipulator and aggressor feels, over time she stops even trying to get out of the toxic relationship. This is dependence on a partner and on the emotions (even negative ones) that he gives. [1]

1. Friends

The typical behavior of toxic friends is to take everything from you (both tangible and intangible) without giving anything in return.

A toxic friend often borrows money and does not give it back later, almost always speaks only to himself, exerts psychological pressure, and resorts to emotional blackmail. It's like he's doing you a favor by letting you be there.

A toxic relationship with a girlfriend or boyfriend is a one-way friendship. One of the parties in them always feels only disappointment.

Kinds

Psychologists identify the following types of toxic relationships:

• negative (with criticism, insults, causticism, bile remarks, barbs);
• unfaithful (with betrayals);
• controlling (with jealousy, deprivation of freedom and personal space);
• accusing (with reproaches, claims);
• demanding (with almost military discipline);
• perfectionistic (demanding perfection in everything);
• insecure (with constant doubts);
• manipulating (with pressure on the weakest points).

Often different types of toxic relationships are intertwined. They are rarely found in their pure form. As a rule, a manipulative husband is a pathological jealous and perfectionist. Or overly demanding parents - additionally accusing and controlling.

Psychologists have also identified toxic patterns that develop in relationships. You also need to get rid of them:

• stuck fish - only demands and gives nothing in return;
• dominant - controls, manipulates and punishes;
• a friend is sarcastic, makes evil jokes, demands increased attention, does not take you seriously;
• star - works only for the public, not caring about who is close to him;
• strict parent - makes too many demands, sometimes impossible;
• a heartless autistic is indifferent, ignorant of pity and compassion.

Each of the patterns in psychology has a working scheme. But if a toxic relationship lasts too long, it doesn't always work out. Sometimes the only solution is to break up.

Signs of a Toxic Relationship

Destructive relationships, regardless of the specific area of ​​life in which they manifest themselves, have similar signs. How do you know if a relationship is toxic? A person who is not ready to build constructive interaction is identified by the following behavioral features:

• Open or hidden aggression.
• Attempts to gain material benefit from the relationship.
• Groundless jealousy, which over time turns into mania.
• Criticism with the aim of humiliating, ridiculing and “crushing” under oneself.
• Arguments for the sake of arguments, as long as the interlocutor does not win “victory”.
• Emotional blackmail that becomes a means of manipulation.

Toxic Relationship Test

You can justify the “strange” behavior of your loved one for a long time, hoping that he will improve and be ready for peaceful dialogue and constructive resolution of problems. As a rule, the signs of a toxic relationship with a man/woman are quite obvious; you just need to objectively assess the current situation in the couple.

Try taking this test to see if you are truly in a toxic relationship with your mother, husband, or work colleague. It is quite difficult to analyze in detail the behavior of an unfamiliar person. But if you've been in a relationship for a long time, assessing the "symptoms" of a toxic relationship isn't difficult. For each statement, in your opinion. corresponding to the truth, count 1 point.

1. You are unhappy in your relationship.
2. After communicating with a person, you feel morally exhausted.
3. From constantly criticizing a person, you have become an insecure person.
4. You constantly feel guilty for a person's problems.
5. The person smoothly shifts all conversations to discussing only his problems.
6. It bothers you that a person is trying to control your every action.
7. The person reproaches you harshly, making you feel ashamed, even if you had good reasons why you could not help him.
8. You are afraid of what the dialogue will lead to next time, since the person has sudden mood swings.
9. Sometimes you yourself don’t understand how you agreed to do something for a person, because you have no longer understood what is the truth and what is skillful manipulation.
10. Relationships slow down your personal development. Now all the time is spent on solving the numerous problems of another person.

Calculate your points:

• Less than 3. You may not be communicating with a toxic person. And all problems in relationships are associated with the next crisis.
• From 3 to 7. There is a chance that you are closely associated with a toxic person. It makes sense to more carefully analyze whether a particular person brings a lot of negativity into your life.
• More than 7. Most likely, you are “stuck” in a relationship with a toxic person. Listen to your feelings and look at existing problems with common sense. You will feel better if you end a toxic relationship.

Why is this happening?

Naturally, those unfortunate people who are trapped in a toxic relationship begin to wonder why this happened. Who is guilty? Why did a loved one turn out to be such a monster? Factors contributing to the development of a toxic personality:

• heredity, genetic abnormalities;
• psychopathy as a result of ancestral herbs, illnesses suffered in childhood;
• problems in education (pedagogical neglect, constant conflicts in the family, lack of parental attention);
• childhood mental trauma (violence, bullying at school, severe stress, loneliness);
• psychotrauma received in adulthood: betrayal of loved ones, violence, depression, many deaths;
• conscious choice of toxic behavior for self-gratification.

Psychologists also warn that strong, purposeful, self-aware individuals rarely commit themselves to toxic relationships. Firstly, they do not allow others to treat them like this (humiliate, say barbs, try to manipulate, offend, etc.).

Secondly, the “poisoners” themselves try to avoid them, because they know that they will receive a rebuff. Therefore, they deliberately choose someone who is suitable for the role of victim. If you are a quiet, hard-to-say-no, gentle, kind person with low self-esteem, you are more likely to be the victim.

Negative consequences of toxic relationships

Clinical psychologist Seth Meyers identifies a number of the most serious consequences that will then have to be “treated” for a long time if you do not get out of a toxic relationship with a man/woman. [3]

1. Decreased self-esteem

People in toxic relationships almost always suffer from low self-esteem and sooner or later completely lose faith in themselves. The partner consciously or unconsciously builds interaction in such a way as to take complete control of the situation.

And even if you get rid of a toxic relationship, self-confidence and the desire to enjoy every day you live will not return soon.

1. Losing yourself

A toxic person skillfully manipulates the feelings and actions of his partner. Time passes, and the victim forgets that there once were bright dreams and plans for self-realization. Out of habit, a person begins to live the way his partner wants. A striking example is a toxic relationship with a mother, when a powerful woman manipulates the child’s feelings so that her beloved child is always “with her.” Any means are used - criticism, emotional blackmail, severe violation of personal boundaries. As a result, the grown-up child has no life of his own, only his mother.

Loss of personal integrity can lead to severe dependence on a toxic person. This makes it almost impossible to leave a toxic relationship on your own.

1. Mental disorders

People who have been in toxic relationships for a long time often suffer from mental disorders - depression, neuroses, panic attacks, and increased anxiety. This is a consequence of the emotional tension that exists between people. There is a risk that mental disorders will sooner or later have a negative impact on a person’s physical condition.

A typical case when the victim experiences not only emotional discomfort when interacting with another person is a toxic relationship with a man who shows open aggression. Cases of domestic violence, when a woman endures physical humiliation and pain for many years, are not new even for developed countries.

What stops you from leaving a toxic relationship?

Many people, even realizing the emotional discomfort that a relationship with a partner brings, do not try to do anything to get out of a toxic relationship. This is fear of loneliness, guilt, shame - those feelings that, most likely, the manipulator has developed in his victim over many years. And he feels these emotions, continuing to put even more pressure on the object of his bullying. And the victim, in turn, reasons like this: “it’s better this way than being alone,” “I’ll stay, because sometimes I feel good with him/her,” “what will people say if I start changing something in my life.”

And often unhealthy interactions with other people are a person’s own choice. Having left one toxic relationship, he immediately finds another manipulator and liar. A kind of habit is formed. If over and over again it is not possible to build a constructive, trusting relationship with a partner precisely because of an unhealthy pattern of behavior, psychological training using 7Spsy behavior modification technology will be effective. Positive attitudes will help you realize that being a victim in a relationship is a road to nowhere. The 7Spsy course will teach you to love and be loved, to find your happiness in life.

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Why do people get addicted to relationships?

Harmonious, happy relationships are possible only between two self-sufficient individuals. The laws of an ideal marriage are simple, but following them can be difficult:

• relationships are based on love, trust, respect (not only for the partner, but also for oneself);
• spouses are ready to accept each other without trying to change or remake each other;
• conflict resolution occurs through constructive dialogue;
• people stay together not because something connects them (a stamp in a passport, common children or jointly acquired property); they remain free in their choice, but choose each other again and again.

In dependent relationships, as a rule, none of these principles work. They do not contain love, but a dependence on love, on relationships, which poisons the psyche and leads first to suppression, and in advanced cases to the destruction of the individual.

So what makes people continue in relationships that cause pain and suffering and are destructive to the individual? Unhealthy, but very strong attachment to a partner may be due to several factors:

• Dependence on emotions. Do not underestimate this type of addiction, because without a surge of certain emotions, some people experience the same withdrawal symptoms as a smoker without a cigarette or an alcoholic without a dose of alcohol. In a marriage, such a person will do everything to get the next portion of the necessary emotions, often without even realizing that he is destroying the partner and the relationship.

Important

A person can be addicted to different emotions: the release of adrenaline during a scandal; strong sexual arousal during intimacy as a reconciliation; pity if the partner is disabled, drug addict or alcoholic; pathological jealousy and so on.

• Fear of loneliness. Comments here are perhaps unnecessary. “If I leave her (him), I won’t meet anyone, so I have to be patient” - this is a common and very controversial statement that can be heard from both sexes, regardless of age, health and financial situation. Some, even in old age, with a whole “bouquet” of illnesses, create happy families, while others, from the age of 20, full of health, strength and beauty, begin to repeat “no one needs me anymore” - isn’t it strange?
• Fear of change. “Even though I don’t have family happiness, I at least know what can be expected from him (her), but with the other (the other) it’s not clear how it will be, suddenly it’s even worse.” It is difficult to say which people are more numerous: those who are afraid to be alone, or those who are afraid of change.
• Stereotypic thinking. Another common reason to stay in an unhealthy relationship is “They’re all like this, there’s no point in looking for someone else.” According to such people, all men are “goats” (morons, womanizers, quitters, and so on), and all women are “fools” (hysterical, bitches, materialistic, and the list goes on). Of course, with this approach there is no point in changing anything. The question remains how fair the approach itself is, but this does not matter to those who are accustomed to rowing with one brush.
• The syndrome of being unloved. I sincerely feel sorry for these people, since the problem of their relationships is more to blame not for themselves, but for their parents, who, even in deep childhood, did not give their child the love he needed. Having matured, unloved children see in their other half not a partner, not a man (woman), but a father (mother). According to the principle “whoever loves is the parent.”

In a marriage, an unloved person obediently accepts any attitude towards him from his other half, from indifference to physical violence. Parents are not chosen...

Regardless of the reasons that led to an unhealthy relationship, a person in a destructive union degrades.

Important

Drug addiction and alcoholism (of one or both partners), domestic violence, abandoned children are just some of the consequences of a toxic relationship.