“Have you started dating your loved one or are you already living together, but you can’t get rid of the thought that you will get bored with your partner and he will leave you? Are you constantly smoothing out conflicts, always trying to look 100%, attributing any changes in his mood to your own account, and even jealously studying his friends, trying to find out which one he considers sexy? Are you worried that he doesn’t share his experiences “too often?” asks cognitive psychologist Robert Leahy.
Perhaps you act differently: you demand assurances of love, you reproach your partner for forgetting about you, and you yourself stir up scandals, ironically putting at risk the relationships you are afraid of losing. It’s as if you are “testing” your partner again and again: “If you really love me, then...”
The fear of being abandoned can also lead to you desperately holding on to an unsuccessful or unnecessary union. In some cases, the fear of breaking up, on the contrary, can lead to a reluctance to enter into a relationship: “If you don’t get attached to anyone, then there’s no one to lose.”
Robert Leahy notes 10 inappropriate ways to deal with breakup fears:
- Look for signs that your partner has lost interest or is attracted to someone else.
- Check your partner for infidelity.
- Obsess over looking and acting perfect.
- Devalue “rivals”.
- Never contradict your partner.
- Give up your own needs to please him.
- Choose as partners those who are less desirable and more “needy” in a relationship.
- Provoke quarrels to break off relationships.
- “Insure yourself” by starting another relationship on the side.
- Avoid loss by consciously choosing “dead-end” relationships.
In fact, these factors increase the anxiety of rejection. Therefore, the psychologist recommends dealing with anxiety using a seven-step program.
Fear of abandonment: how does running ahead affect it?
A woman sometimes tends to break away from reality and fly away into an ideal picture, into dreams of a wonderful future. Indulging in dreams, she ceases to distinguish between what is desired and what is real, and replaces reality with what she would like to see in the future. It seems that this future has already come or will definitely come.
Very soon after this, the fear of losing this ideal future appears. because there is a signal from the subconscious that ideal pictures are premature and divorced from reality. Perhaps this also contributes to the formation of anxiety.
It is generally difficult for the human mind to stay in the present moment. The mind usually lives in the past or the future.
And he is engaged in leaving the present if the present is painful and unpleasant. This method of protecting against pain helps not to feel discomfort, but at the same time it does not provide the opportunity to learn to cope with this condition and become stronger. It takes effort and skill to return to the present.
Read the article about .
For example, a person is seriously lacking something in his life that he wants, a very large deficit appears.
At the same time, he is convinced that satisfying this deficit is impossible. It may indeed be impossible for objective reasons. It can be excruciatingly painful to realize that you do not and may never have what is important to you, at least for now.
In order not to feel pain, a person forbids himself to think about this deficiency. For example: “Dreaming about what is impossible is idiocy. I have to force myself not to want, not to dream, not to wait, not to believe, not to ask.” Constant suppression of feelings takes a lot of energy, in addition, suppressed feelings, “forbidden” unsatisfied needs in difficult moments break out in the form of various uncontrollable reactions.
If we acknowledge our deficits, allow ourselves to grieve the inability to satisfy them, allow ourselves to express our feelings and intentionally act out fantasy roles, we can separate ourselves from them. By suppressing our needs and emotions, forbidding ourselves to realize our deficit, our ideal dream, our pain, we cannot separate from them. Suppression leaves our consciousness at the mercy of uncontrollable reactions and the desire for the ideal, while it is not openly recognized.
If we find the strength to face our deficits and the pain that comes with them, we become stronger.
To learn how to become stronger, read the article “How to become a strong personality by developing your resources?”
And then we have a choice, other ways to deal with this, besides the uncontrollable substitution of reality for a dream, dependence on who the ideal picture is stuck to.
Symptoms of fear of intimacy
I asked several men and women to share how fear of intimacy manifests itself in their lives.
Anatoly, 32 years old
: “I understand that women need me only when everything is fine with me, and if I feel like a wreck and show my weakness, they start kicking, beating and abusing me. However, my desire to be with someone close did not go away, so I overcame fear, entered into a relationship, got hurt and crawled away. And so it happened again, and again, and again. Finally tired of living like this, I forcibly protected myself from any contact. Every day I want to try to find intimacy, but I hold myself back.”
Asya, 30 years old
: “I feel almost physical discomfort from the presence of another person when I understand that he can see me in any way: both in the “Instagram-front” form and in unsightly angles. I noticed that I avoid answering questions that require frankness, that I slouch if a person shows attention to me and involves me in close communication; the muscles contract, the body trembles - the classic “flight” reaction is activated. I don’t trust people, I’m afraid of making mistakes, it’s hard for me to text first or ask people out, so I avoid intimacy, and this results in (self-)isolation, both in friendships and in romantic relationships.”
Mikhail, 25 years old
: “When I’m alone, I constantly seek the attention of women. But as soon as a hint of reciprocity appears, I have obsessive thoughts and fear that I will lose control of myself and begin to neglect myself, my boundaries and desires to please the other person. These thoughts make me find evidence that this partner is bad and urgently break up with him.”
Petya, 23 years old
: “I have no fear of intimacy with girls - I easily build friendly relationships with them. But with guys there is anxiety. Firstly, I am afraid to meet men who are attractive to me, so I often communicate with those who are not exactly my type. Secondly, if a guy I went on a date with a couple of times or had sex with starts to like me, I avoid him. He may ask why we don’t see each other, and I write that I’m busy or that I’m going through a difficult period, and then I block him on all social networks. That is, yesterday I liked the person, but today I don’t feel anything, as if there was a desert inside me. Probably my biggest fear is that my heart will be broken, as it was in my first serious relationship, after which I had many years of depression. So now I’m trying my best to protect myself.”
Tom, 40 years old
: “A loved one is my enemy. I’m afraid that if I open up to him, sincerely tell him about my feelings, experiences, something very personal, he will then take advantage of it.”
In all these stories you can find similar symptoms. Some of them are discussed in “Fear of Intimacy” by Ilse Sand, others are described in the book “Flight from Intimacy” by psychologists Berry and Janae Weinhold. Here they are:
- difficulties in experiencing feelings (except anger and frustration);
- intolerance of loneliness;
- the tendency after a breakup to consider former partners as bad or vicious;
- fear of control from other people;
- the habit of saying “no” to new ideas put forward by others;
- constant fear of making a mistake, desire to be perfect and demanding the same from others;
- refusal of help, even if it is really needed;
- fear that other people will turn away from you if you show your weaknesses and fears;
- difficulties with trust, secrecy;
- workaholism or being overly busy with hobbies;
- excessive demands on a partner and/or relationships;
- strong inner critic;
- intolerance to physical contact, including sex;
- fear of becoming dependent on a person.
Merging with a loved one and losing yourself in a relationship
It is a very common belief that there is a person who was created just for you (your soulmate, without whom you cannot fully exist). This person will make your life meaningful and interesting, and correct its shortcomings. He will live only for you, read your thoughts and satisfy all your needs. He will be a kind parent who will protect you from suffering.
This belief is supported by family and social attitudes, some life and historical realities, novels, films, songs, and poems. The state of “ I'm afraid of relationships ” often stems from doubts: “what if this ideal merger does not take place, and then the disappointment will be unbearable?”
A person may have a longing for the ideal infant union with the mother, an existential longing for the lost paradise, the absolute, the ideal love, when all your needs were satisfied automatically, as in the mother’s womb. These infantile experiences are transferred into adulthood in the form of an unconscious dream of an ideal parent who is able to satisfy any need, any deficiency.
Then any threat of distance from the partner causes fear of abandonment, panic and pain. Suffering is felt on a physical level. A person experiences the threat of death, although he may be financially independent and have his own means of survival. But due to the loss of identity, he perceives his partner as his physical part and is mortally afraid of losing him.
Sadly, full satisfaction of your needs was only possible in the womb and in infancy with the host mother, and even then not for all the lucky ones. Expecting someone to be your ideal parent and meet all your needs is unrealistic.
Tip #2: Don't be afraid of change.
Often former lovers work at the same enterprise, in the same office. Who should leave - him or you? It's a matter of bargaining and opportunities - who has more of them. But life shows that as soon as such a radical change as divorce occurs, sometimes everything changes: specialty, city, country. For some time the woman rushes about, searches for herself, tries something.
Article on the topic
No scandals or breaking of dishes. Is it possible to turn divorce into a holiday? And here it is important not to be afraid of change. A new stage is approaching, the old possibilities have been exhausted, the beloved has at least fulfilled his mission, he has helped you get off the ground. And at the same time, you did not become a boring, useless old maid; you had your own story, after which something began to happen. Maybe not always skillfully. But we need to move on, forward. Not back to your mother, because your mother (especially in old age) expects good news from you, but forward, without giving up the new opportunities that open up before you.
One hundred percent responsibility for relationships
Usually, this is based on the belief that one person will be able to carry the relationship, the illusion of the possibility of controlling the other person. This occurs for several reasons.
Social historical settings
Our entire society instills in women responsibility for relationships, given the numerical disadvantage and spoilage of post-Soviet men. A woman must be the “keeper of the hearth,” “everything depends on the woman.”
The situation was also influenced by the historical absence of a man in family life in the post-Soviet space, and the real impossibility of surviving without a man in the generations of our mothers, grandmothers and great-grandmothers, as well as the socially supported and instilled attitude “if you want a relationship, give up your dreams and carry everything on yourself” , “everyone lives like this.”
Many believe and carry on. And then reality seems to confirm this “rule”. Most women drag relationships on themselves, most men prefer not to invest in relationships. Those who want mutual responsibility in relationships are in the minority.
Women are often taught from childhood to ignore their needs and manipulate men.
Read more about manipulation in relationships in the article “Manipulation in relationships and emotions. Part 1: Manipulation and emotions - what's the connection?
Ignoring oneself and masterful manipulation are considered positive qualities of a woman, “wisdom.” There is chauvinism in society: “you are nothing, a man is everything”, “if you want something in life, obey and make yourself nothing”, or “make” yourself “everything” - i.e. a man, such a “woman” with eggs."
If, in the system of her beliefs or the beliefs of society to which a woman submits, she cannot be an equal partner, then “then I must become a man,” “rise to his level,” essentially copying a man’s behavior, and meet men on “their” field according to “their” rules.
The belief that, as a woman, it is impossible to have equal relationships is often the cause of fear of relationships in general. Then “I’m afraid of relationships” means “respect in a relationship is very important to me and I don’t believe that this is possible because I’m a woman.”
The belief in the possibility of control of a relationship by one person gives rise to a painful desire to receive from a partner what he cannot give and the fear of abandonment. “I must force him to give me attention, care, support, help, warmth, love, understanding, protection, security, respect, status in society, self-respect, calmness, a sense of need and value, etc. (everyone has their own desires) ). Because it is impossible or very difficult to obtain it voluntarily.”
Hypercontrol
Hypercontrol as a mechanism of protection against vulnerability and helplessness in situations where something does not depend on you. When you believe that nothing bad can happen to you if you just be a “good girl” and “do everything right.”
It is difficult to accept the idea that you are not omnipotent, but if you do, relief will come. You can no longer kill yourself and suffer, blaming yourself, but do things that you really can do.
If you say: “I'm afraid of relationships,” you are consumed by the fear of abandonment, the thought that the relationship will one day end, this anxiety will not improve your relationship. Partners, friends, jobs may change. Our beliefs and outlook on life can also change.
It is more important to develop resilience in yourself, the ability to live in obedience to life’s changes, and not just stubbornly make your way through thorns. Trying to freeze relationships, give them a rigid, unchanging form, and make them the only condition for your happiness in life is a sure way to bring them to an end.
It is difficult to resist the temptation to surround with stone walls what is dear to you. But you have to learn to live in uncertainty and become stronger in this vulnerability.
You can individually figure out how to do this, so that you can be supported along this path with the help of a psychologist in a personal consultation.
If you are afraid to start a relationship or are afraid that a man will leave you, you feel that it is difficult for you to cope with anxiety and fears, you need support and help from the outside - I work specifically on this topic.
The first consultation on any issue related to fear of relationships and fear of abandonment - with a 40% discount.
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"Fear of being abandoned"
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"Fear of being abandoned"
Who takes a breakup harder?
Breaking up a relationship with a loved one is always a difficult experience. Especially if it was not you who initiated it... In such a situation, you want to quickly get rid of depressing experiences, forget about lost love and start living again.
What do you think a woman will do for this? That's right: she will invite all her friends to visit, spend the evening talking about treacherous men and the vicissitudes of fate, hear words of support addressed to her and receive a charge of optimism. Having made sure that “she is the best and everything will be fine,” a woman will be able to cope with the breakup more easily and prepare for a new relationship.
For a man who finds himself in a similar situation, events develop according to a different, more complex scenario. He will not show his emotions to others, because, in his opinion, this is a sign of weakness. In the best case scenario, the man will casually mention the breakup with his lover and go to a bar with friends to “celebrate” his newfound freedom. But indifference is only an appearance: deep down, our hero will suffer greatly and have a hard time withstanding the breakup. In addition to internal experiences, men also have an acute social assessment of what is happening: for him, it is humiliating to be abandoned by a woman, and this is a serious blow to self-esteem. He tries to get rid of this problem as quickly as possible, suppressing his feelings and resentment, but in doing so he only prolongs the process and turns it into so-called “chronic grief.” This can lead to a man starting to drink a lot, becoming a womanizer and a misogynist, or, on the contrary, idealizing his ex-lover and remaining faithful to her, thus trying to protect himself from new relationships.
What makes men feel so acutely about a breakup is in many ways too serious claims on themselves sexually. Each representative of the stronger half of humanity has his own list of fears related to the sexual sphere, which are actualized first of all if a woman leaves him. There is a firmly established stereotype in the male mind: no one can leave a good lover. And if this does happen, he will immediately consider himself sexually incompetent. It doesn’t even occur to a man that a woman could have completely different reasons for breaking up - for example, she was not satisfied with his passive life position, addiction to alcohol or infidelity.
I recently read a story on the forum. A man was talking about his breakup with a woman who left him for someone else. However, he mentioned this only in passing: most of the narrative was a very emotional description of the opponent’s shortcomings and his own advantages. This example clearly illustrates another male fear associated with breaking up a relationship - losing to another man, another male. Competitiveness is inherent in the stronger sex; they need to constantly prove their superiority over their rivals in order to maintain a positive image of themselves.
In this situation, a man is upset not so much by the fact of a broken relationship, but by wounded pride and lowered self-esteem. He will not blame himself for not keeping his beloved, but he will condemn his excessive gullibility: he did not notice obvious signs of betrayal, which means he did not have time to leave the deceiver first.
Tip #4: Don't get rid of old photos.
After all, this is also part of our life. There is no need to store them in large quantities, but put some of them in some distant drawer. Suddenly there will come a time - perhaps in 10 years - when you want to see what you were like before.
Article on the topic
Single and happy! How to survive a breakup People change, become different over time, and there comes a time when you don’t really understand your old self or treat this experience with a smile. In this sense, the surest way to get rid of love is to grow out of it. Because in any case, this is a certain point of growth, the beginning of a new stage of life. And memories are important simply for the next reconstruction. It’s like doing general cleaning in an apartment, where, of course, there’s a lot of trash that needs to be taken out, but something needs to be preserved, because even if this thing is useless, maybe it once supported you, consoled you.
Fear of abandonment and unstable relationships
When alone, people with BPD fall into chaos and lose their sense of “who I am” or “I exist,” which is terrifying because it’s like you’re not there at all. Breakups are very painful because along with the partner, a more or less stabilized idea of oneself goes away.
At the same time, in relationships, such people either quickly approach or sharply move away, and cannot find a comfortable distance.
All hysterics and insults in a relationship with a borderline personality are actually a test of the partner’s strength. Here I am soft, white and fluffy. Will you love me prickly?
Tip #5: Not merging, but intersecting.
The main “hook” that we women fall for is not the visual image of our lover, but what is in our heads: his smell, some actions, characteristic gestures. If this is a deep enough relationship (including intimate ones), then there is already a rich range of smells, a whole palette. That is, you actually carry within you, like a chip, part of another person’s personality, part of his individuality. After all, when people fall in love, they adopt habits, tastes, gait, and some food preferences. We so easily and joyfully begin to give up our own in the name of another, that in the end this other becomes a part of us. You need to be aware of this. And give myself the mindset not to merge, but to intersect, understanding all the time where I am and where he is, when exactly I do what I would never do on my own, but I do with this particular person. In this way we restore the boundaries of our own personality.
Tip #6: Remember to learn a useful lesson from what happened.
You will never merge completely with another person again, because it is destructive. Every woman hopes to meet her lover in the future. And in the “next life” you shouldn’t not let in absolutely everything related to your chosen one, it’s better to dose out information.
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A masterfully poisoned life. The loudest scams of Russian oligarchs The boundaries of your personality should be permeable, but not completely: they should let in only what is needed - just as a cell membrane lets in useful substances and releases useless ones.
Tip No. 7: Don’t look for new support in another person, but build it in yourself.
If you were unable to maintain or build this support during the relationship, then now you will have to build it again. Think - what new have I discovered in myself? For example, I realized that I like to travel, because it was so good to travel to different cities with this person. Then why not use this discovery as a foundation for the future and open a travel agency? Or I definitely realized that I want a child. The man turned out to be not very important for me, but the child is simply necessary, this is the part of life that I cannot live without.
