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People approaching the end of high school or university are increasingly expressing their concerns about taking on a new role in life.
Often young people talk about their uncertainty and even fear before such life projects as: their first serious job, long-term relationship or family. They describe feelings that are similar to fear of responsibility, difficulty in accepting new responsibilities. Thinking about the future is dominated by black scenarios and exaggerated threats. There is disorientation on the threshold of a new reality and a reluctance to systematically face the challenges of life. Thus, the question arises about responsibility and its influence on decision-making and their implementation.
Calling this attitude a fear of growing up is a simplification (also because it can also occur in people who are definitely mature in age), but infantile people are afraid to live independently. Many of them live with their parents even as adults, and transfer serious life tasks to others.
Fear of growing up - reasons
Low self-esteem and lack of readiness for new challenges
The main problem of infantility is low self-esteem and the impression of insufficient readiness for the challenges awaiting in the world. Against this background, doubts about one’s own resources quickly multiply. Instead of viewing new situations as opportunities for development, we can fall into the trap of our own prophecy - “this will definitely not work out.” An insecure person is afraid of mistakes, falls, shame. But all people make mistakes, have weaknesses and shortcomings. Many famous personalities have achieved success only because they did not give up because of their failures and failures. For example, Steven Spielberg failed the entrance exam to the School of Cinematic Arts in Southern California three times; Elvis Presley was told he couldn't sing while auditioning for one of the local Songfellows quartets; It was only the 2000th year that inventor Thomas Edison tested positive. The scientist stated about his mistakes: “I have never made a mistake. I found 1,999 ways not to make light bulbs."
Overprotective parents
The reasons for this attitude, of course, are different and individual. Undoubtedly, overprotective parents and an incorrect approach to child development play an important role here. Neglect that limits a child's ability to explore and experience the world interferes with the safe development of his or her skills. At the same time, inflated expectations from the child, which arise rather against the background of the ambitions and complexes of the adult guardian and are expressed in the form of constant dissatisfaction, form in the child a belief in his own failure and reinforce dependence on the environment. In a situation of real contact with life, in new situations, there is a fear of doing something wrong, of upsetting the inner “parent”.
geralt/Pixabay
High expectations
Another objective reason is the very high expectations of young people entering the labor market and their positions. The tradition of transferring knowledge and skills “from master to student” is not very popular today. Moreover, graduates are expected to have expert qualities and know everything. Graduates also believe that studying at the institute is enough to develop skills and experience - they show a lot of ambition, high expectations of themselves, and high salary requirements. In the best case, a person, starting to work and getting his own chops, begins to soberly understand what he is capable of. At worst, his naivety leads to depression and anxiety disorders.
Fear of growing up
Irina, good afternoon.
You write about feelings of anxiety, fear, irritation and apathy, as well as the feeling that you are not living your life. Actually, the answer to the question about the reasons for this state is also in your letter: “I have a strong attachment to my mother, I simply cannot imagine my life without her.” Such experiences are usually called “separation problems” or “separation conflict”, and it usually causes anxiety-phobic and panic disorders.
In this case, the following is quite natural:
- “I constantly feel out of place.”
- “a feeling of guilt appears, I think that I am a bad mother”
- problems of socialization - “completely dependent and uncommunicative”
— anxiety when trying to plan your life: “I have no idea what I would like to devote my life to, what activities. I often remember my carefree childhood and cannot accept that all this is already far in the past.”
- it’s bad both at home (I’m not the master of myself and my life here), and in my parents’ house (I’m no longer their little daughter and I want development and adulthood).
Of course, you do not have enough mental strength to take care of your daughter, and you are not absorbed in this activity. All your mental strength goes into that internal conflict and struggle that torments you.
This is aggravated on the one hand by forced social isolation in connection with raising a small child, and on the other hand by watching your daughter grow up, which brings you closer to the need to grow and realize yourself as an adult woman.
You are asking:
"What should I do? How can I put my thoughts and feelings in order? — there may be different approaches. One of them is to get yourself involved in what you are doing right now and learn to enjoy it. You are the mother of a girl who is approaching a very interesting age. She changes every day and learns new things, and you can do this with her too; your daughter has that involvement in action that is characteristic of children. Watch how concentrated she can learn simple things, how diligently she can say the first words, learn to do simple manipulations... Learn to master life with her. Another method involves a course of conversational psychotherapy. The secluded life of young mothers often leads to the need for them to consult a psychologist. It’s convenient to do this via Skype right from home. You did not indicate how long you have been experiencing the difficulties that you just described in your message. It often happens that this is how postpartum depression behaves. Read about this in the articles:
-6 pitfalls of postpartum depression.
-Postpartum depression and its treatment.
“How to find joy in life and not go crazy from these fears and worries?” - fear of going crazy, this is one of the most common and characteristic fears of panic disorder. If you really feel so bad that you can’t cope with it on your own, call, write in a personal message or immediately register for an initial Skype consultation. I will be glad to work with you to figure out what is happening to you, to help you solve the problem, and I have quite a lot of experience working with mothers of small children.
I wish you clarity of thoughts and feelings, harmony with yourself and mutual understanding with loved ones.
please contact us.
Anastasia Biryukova, Gestalt therapist in St. Petersburg, Skype from anywhere in the world
Classic choice, or growing up? (3 answers)
How to overcome the fear of growing up?
The best cure for fear of adulthood is not an attempt to meet the expectations of others and the world around us, but an attempt to understand and realize one’s personality. This way, you can make the most efficient use of your resources, which are needed to solve all your main tasks. The first thing you need to do to develop independence is to find something you love, a job that brings satisfaction and income. When you gain material independence, psychological independence will also be formed.
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Psychological violence, recovery from abusers and narcissists, breaking up with an abuser, changing abusive behavior, self-esteem, the “no longer a victim” program, relationships, loss of meaning, nice (comfortable) person syndrome, age-related crises, existential problems, loneliness, relationships “adult children” – parents,” and more...
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Second, don't have high expectations for yourself. If you know, for example, about your shortcoming - inattention, then you should not go to work as a chief accountant. Perhaps you have excellent entrepreneurial talents that need to be realized.
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Third, accept yourself and don’t be afraid of mistakes. He who does not make mistakes does nothing. Accept stupidity and miscalculations as an integral part of life's journey. There will be fewer of them as you gain more experience.
Fourth, go towards the goal gradually so that it is not so scary. For example, your goal is to open a luxury tea and coffee shop. First work as a salesperson in a tea store, and when you learn more about tea and customer preferences, try to open a business.
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This is a blog on psychology from a professional psychologist, in which significant attention is paid to the topics of psychological violence - abuse, narcissism, relationships, personal crises, taking responsibility for one's life, increasing self-esteem, existential problems. The cost of consulting a psychologist is 3000 rubles/hour, in person (Moscow, Maryina Roshcha metro station), or via Zoom About us/Make an appointment
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How to get rid of this?
Although the fear of loneliness, we repeat, is inherent in absolutely everyone, it is most powerful for teenagers and very elderly people. It is clear with the elderly - they can no longer fully provide for their existence, and without care they will have a hard time. It's more difficult with teenagers.
Legally, they are still children, but physiologically and psychologically they are almost adults, mature people with their own needs and desire for free will. The problem lies in the word “almost.” They do not have life experience that allows them to steadfastly endure life’s adversities and difficulties, comparing them with what has already happened. Therefore, all experiences associated with autophobia are doubled in adolescents.
In addition, not much time has passed since childhood, and the psychological trauma received at an early age has not had time to heal. Example: strict, but, as they think, fair parents lock their child in a room for an offense to “think about their behavior.” It would seem like a small thing. No physical violence, no insults, no yelling.
But this can become a trauma, which in adolescence will result in a constant desire to visit friends, communicate online, jeopardizing school performance, play computer games online, where there is an endless stream of communication with other online players and creates the illusion that you are not alone.
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Trauma can be the tragic death of a loved one in childhood, or a case where a child falls behind his parents in a crowd and gets lost, or indifference on the part of parents, who, although present at home, do not pay enough attention to their child.
Such things can only be treated through painstaking, careful, non-traumatic psychotherapy.
Psychotherapy
The psychotherapist helps his client work through traumatic experiences on a new level, experience childhood traumas from the perspective of an adult, and overcome the phobia of being left alone forever in life. A good specialist can help you build a new view of the world that is not influenced by old wounds and is not reduced to just the need to be with someone.
The result of competent work of a psychologist or psychotherapist is a rethinking of the state of loneliness and highlighting its advantages. The attitude “it’s bad for one person” changes to “it’s good for one person, but it’s even better with someone else.”
If the situation cannot be corrected as quickly as we would like, there is an option to resort to hypnotherapy. This method is suitable for advanced phobia-based anxiety disorders. This method of working through an anxiety state is suitable for those who, for some reason, cannot take medications, but the psyche is no longer able to cope on its own.
Self-treatment
The solution to any problem begins with full information about it. To begin with, we advise you to watch a series of films about loneliness - voluntary or forced. For lovers of old films, Strawberries (1957), Red Desert (1964), Silent Escape (1972), Solaris (1972) and Three Colors Blue (1993) are suitable. For fans of films made after 2000, these are the following:
- "Outcast" (2000),
- “Spring, summer, autumn, winter... and spring again” (2003),
- "Into the Wild" (2007),
- "Mary and Max" (2009),
- "She" (2013).
Next, we recommend watching several short videos by psychologist Larisa Bandura on the topic of loneliness:
In the suggested “similar videos” you can find presentations by other psychologists who can help you work through this fear.
Let's not dwell only on the video format and move on to books about such a controversial phenomenon as loneliness:
- "One Hundred Years of Solitude" by Gabriel García Márquez
- "Robinson Crusoe" by Daniel Defoe
- "The Road" Cormac McCarthy
- "The Book of Loneliness" Max Fry,
- "April Witch" Maigull Axelsson,
- "The Magic Mountain" by Thomas Mann
- “Through the eyes of a clown” Heinrich Bell,
- "The Painted Bird" by Jerzy Kosinski,
- "Steppenwolf" Hermann Hesse,
- "Veronica Decides to Die" by Paulo Coelho.
Having received the most extensive experience of learning about loneliness in art, you can move on to searching for internal resources and searching for the advantages of this state. Monks, hermits, and sages perceived loneliness as a necessary test for understanding human nature and themselves.
If anxiety still persists, try meditation, yoga, breathing exercises, auto-training and concentration classes. The main thing is to feel your body, to be alone with yourself, without being distracted by external stimuli, to feel what a blessing it is to be yourself, here and now.
