How to respond to your husband’s insults - advice from a psychologist

From love to hate, as you know, there is only one step. At the beginning of a relationship, under the influence of love euphoria, men and women do not always notice each other’s shortcomings. They only research the person they have chosen as their partner.

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Therefore, it is unfair to throw reproaches in the style of “knew who I chose”, “it was immediately clear”, “why did you start everything at all?” It is not always the case that a person opens up right away. Maybe he would not have become what he became if not for the influence of another person. Or maybe he was just well camouflaged.

It is a great success if the beloved immediately showed his true colors. There is no need to flatter yourself with the hope that he will change. You need to chop everything down at once. But why do women most often suffer from humiliation that comes from a person who seems to love?

In this article:

Reasons for insultsHow not to lose yourself

Reasons for humiliation by husband

Reasons for male aggression in relationships:

Consequences of destructive family upbringing. Children under 6-7 years old do not have critical thinking, and, as you understand, they essentially have no life experience. Therefore, everything that they see in their family, they take as the norm. If a child sees his father humiliating his mother, then in the future he will behave the same way towards women. However, there is a way out of this scenario. Someone else in their youth, having become acquainted with a different model of interaction between a man and a woman, understands that the relationship between mom and dad is an example of how it should not be. Some people, already in adulthood, consciously work through this problem and master new models of interaction.
Childhood traumas that triggered the development of hatred towards women. Most often we are talking about suppressed aggression towards the mother. When might negative feelings towards your mother arise? For example, if she was cruel, cold and authoritarian. Or if the mother abandoned the child. The boy grows up and transfers this aggression to the entire female sex.
Unfinished separation from the mother. A man, on the contrary, loves his mother too much and is attached to her. He compares his wife with his mother all the time. And this comparison turns out to be not in favor of the first.
Injuries acquired in adult life. For example, a painful breakup with a girl. The man still remembers and loves her, compares his wife with that passion.
Man's complexes. A primitive way of “fixing” one’s own self-respect and self-esteem is self-affirmation at the expense of a weaker person. People with an inferiority complex do not want to work on their own shortcomings, but they also do not want to live with a feeling of their own inferiority. Therefore, they devalue and humiliate other people. For example, the reason for the husband’s humiliation of his wife may be the husband’s hurt pride due to the fact that the wife earns more and was able to build a career, but he did not.
Inclusion of substitution – a protective mechanism of the psyche. It is also associated with complexes and dissatisfaction with one’s own life. But the point is that the husband transfers aggression directed towards another person onto his wife. For example, this could be aggression towards the boss (due to fear of dismissal and general weakness of spirit, a man cannot express to him what has accumulated).
Protest, cry for help, protection of personal boundaries and interests. If a wife systematically provokes and humiliates, suppresses her husband, and he does not know how to adequately respond to this and cannot leave, then he also resorts to aggression.
Dependencies. For example, if attacks of aggression occur only when the spouse is intoxicated, then the issue is clearly alcoholism. But here it is important to understand that alcoholism is a consequence and symptom of something more complex. Why does the spouse go into the world of alcohol, what is he trying to disguise with it? What bothers him when he’s sober and comes out when the man gets drunk?
Mental disorders. It is extremely difficult to suspect this reason, so I recommend adhering to the principle of exclusion: if other reasons do not correspond to your case, then consult a psychologist.

Note! Sometimes a man insults and humiliates a woman because he wants to break up with her, but is afraid to say so himself. Then he does the most terrible thing (insults, humiliates, cheats) in order to be abandoned. The reason is dislike for this woman combined with personal weakness and cowardice.

Most negative outcome

The most dire consequences can be expected if your children have a sound vector. The ears of such children are hypersensitive. That is, they generally require quiet sounds and calmness. If the father yells at the mother, and even throws humiliating words, such a child not only loses the sense of security like other children - he also receives a powerful blow to the most sensitive area. Hearing terrible screams, he may gradually lose contact with the outside world and withdraw into himself. This sometimes even leads to autism or schizophrenia.

In general, a woman, especially if she is a mother, needs to take care of her family. Take the necessary actions that could help in the current situation. In a word, do everything to ensure that the husband respects and appreciates his wife.

Symptoms

Not all women understand what should be considered humiliation and insults. Some wives are tormented by the dilemma “Is this abnormal or did I imagine it? What if I’m screwing myself up?” In fact, everything is simple: if some of your husband’s actions and words make you feel uncomfortable, then you didn’t think there was a problem. Anything that hurts your pride and self-esteem can be considered humiliation and an insult. It doesn't matter whether other people consider it an insult.

Examples of what constitutes humiliation and insults (possible symptoms):

comparison with other women in a negative way;
abstract comparisons (“Are you stupid or something”);
threats, ridicule, direct insults;
devaluation (“You always…”, “You can’t do anything normally,” etc.);
constant criticism (“you don’t know how to cook”, “you don’t clean the house well”, “you don’t know how to raise children”);
suppression (“I forbid you to communicate with this Dasha”);
ignoring questions, requests, suggestions;
unwillingness to listen and much more.

In general, if it seemed to you that you were disrespected and insulted, then it didn’t seem to you. It remains to understand the reasons for your reaction and the reasons for this attitude towards you.

Can humiliation be explained?

It can be explained, but it is not worth justifying. We have already examined the main reasons why a husband insults and humiliates his wife. Think about what could be the basis in your case. After this, you need to work with your spouse on the cause, and not accept it as the norm. For example, if you understand that the issue is a childhood trauma, then you cannot feel sorry for your spouse and endure humiliation, you need to work through the trauma.

If a husband lashes out at his wife out of anger at his boss, then again, you cannot feel sorry for your spouse and sacrifice yourself, but you can understand, support and help solve this problem: develop a new strategy for behavior in relations with your boss, set personal boundaries, increase your husband’s self-esteem, change jobs, etc.

Important! You cannot tolerate humiliation and insults from your husband. Either find the reason and solve the problem, or leave this relationship - there is no other option.

Is the humiliating person worthy of revenge?

After a breakup, a man can insult a woman; why he does this is immediately clear. So the ex-husband is still trying to keep her under control, suppress the personality of the chosen one and subjugate her. After receiving the divorce certificate, I want to take revenge on him, repay him in the same coin. Psychologists advise us to be puzzled: why condemn an abuser, immediately becoming like him?

Stooping to the level of the abuser is not something an adult should do. It would be better to let go of such a situation, leaving it in the past forever. In case of persecution by your ex-husband, you must contact law enforcement agencies.

Actions when humiliated by husband

In all relationships, contradictions and misunderstandings occur periodically. Every person can break down, especially during periods of fatigue, illness, or when the opponent does not hear him. For example, a husband may lose his temper if he several times asked his wife not to touch him for a while and let him work quietly, but the wife continues to impose herself with requests or help that she was not asked for. How to properly respond to your husband’s insults and aggression in such situations?

Clean conversation

It is extremely important to be able to talk to each other. This is the only way to achieve maximum mutual understanding. Therefore, give up hints and stop speculating. Instead, ask directly what is bothering your spouse and tell them directly that you cannot be treated that way. Try to understand and hear each other, put yourself in your partner’s shoes, and see the situation through his eyes. If you can't talk, then exchange letters.

Leave alone

If a man asks to be left alone, then do it. And if he doesn’t ask, but simply closes himself off from you or is aggressive, then retreat too. You cannot sort things out if one or both partners are in an unstable mental state. You need to wait until the emotions subside and then talk. He will nail down this unfortunate shelf, but not today, but tomorrow. Today he is very tired at work, his social battery is low, and his physical strength is rapidly approaching zero.

Humor

Learn to respond to insults beautifully, wittily and with humor. For example, you can answer like this: “It’s strange, it seems like I have PMS, but all the symptoms appear in you.” Or like this: “Well, yes, I gained a little, that’s because I cook a lot and it’s delicious.” Or like this: “Chatty, but everywhere and always I make a way for us, I find a common language with any people.”

Introspection

What are insults? Essentially this is criticism. It is not always easy to determine whether it is constructive or destructive, but you need to try to do it. Think, maybe there is some truth in your spouse’s words, he just can’t express it differently. For example, maybe you really have gained a dozen extra pounds and stopped taking care of yourself? There is nothing terrible in the fact that the husband wants to see next to him the same well-groomed and slender girl with sparkling eyes with whom he once fell in love. Physical attraction is no less important in marriage than spiritual or intellectual intimacy.

Drastic measures

We are talking about a temporary or final separation. If you cannot yet calmly discuss everything with your spouse or do not understand what is happening in your relationship, whether you can do something and whether it is worth saving, then you can resort to a temporary divorce, that is, separate. Decide for yourself whether you will call each other at this time or not, whether you will remain in the status of husband and wife or try to pretend that you do not know each other and get to know each other again. This will help you not only understand each other better, but also understand yourself.

What is not recommended to do

What not to do during a quarrel with your spouse:

respond to aggression with aggression (insults, physical force);
provoke (behave badly in order to justify the characteristics that are heaped on you);
to leave or withdraw into oneself without understanding the situation;
be silent and endure;
discuss the problem with anyone, but not with your husband.

If there are children in the family, then it is unacceptable to sort things out in front of them.

How not to behave

In any family disagreement there are a number of stop actions. If a woman is humiliated by her husband, dear man, she should under no circumstances resort to the following actions:

Wait for a miracle. People do not change instantly on their own. If you wait and endure, it will only be coupled with hard work to change your partner.
Change a person without his consent. This will not give any results and will ruin the relationship even more. Only those who agree to it themselves can change.
Be silent or fawn. You should say that such behavior is unacceptable, express your anger and indignation. Do not curry favor with the insulter.
Insult. You should not become like a moral rapist and stoop to his level.

Psychologist's advice

What to do if your husband constantly humiliates and insults you, finds fault with you, curses you:

Share your feelings with your spouse. Make it clear that you feel humiliated. If you simply tolerate or discuss your husband’s behavior with your girlfriends and not with him, then nothing will change in your family. Indicate that such interaction is not the norm for you, that it hurts you. Explain that there is a problem. And if the spouse does not see her and does not want to understand it, then there is no point in continuing the relationship. Important: do not forget that the cause may be either your partner’s personal problems or your mistakes - do not lash out with accusations, try to maintain a neutral tone in the conversation.
Determine the cause. To do this, observe your spouse’s behavior. You can do this together, keep a diary. Your task is to record all situations in which insults and humiliation occur, and then identify what unites them. Write down everything: place, time, other participants, etc. And also think about when it started. If the spouse has always been aggressive, then most likely the cause is childhood trauma. If he has recently begun to show disrespect for his wife, this may be due to exhaustion, problems at work, accumulated discontent in the marriage, etc. Keep a diary for 2-4 weeks, and then re-read the list of probable reasons why a husband humiliates his wife, and think about what is relevant for your couple.
Make a correction plan. Read scientific literature and articles on your topic, contact psychological forums or see a psychologist.

Remember that a man’s aggression can be associated both with his personal traumas and with problems in your relationship. For example, this may be a response to a lack of emotional or physical intimacy in a relationship, to disrespect from a spouse or to her unfulfillment, indifference to appearance or personal development. Some men insult their wives, thereby trying to stimulate positive changes. Of course, from a psychological point of view, this is an ineffective method, but perhaps the spouse is unfamiliar with others. In general, you need to talk in detail and honestly with each other.

When to leave an abuser

One option for dealing with abuse is to leave the toxic relationship. Making such a decision is not easy, but often it is the only correct one. For example, when:

The husband allows himself to humiliate his wife in public, in front of the children;
A man raises his hand to a woman;

Physical violence

Abuser is an alcoholic;
He can only humiliate in private, but this humiliation is too painful and traumatic.

It is impossible to create a clear list of advice on when to disagree with an offender and when not to. It all depends on the personal characteristics of the partners. The wife may need to consult a psychologist to make a decision.