Why does a husband insult and humiliate his wife: psychology, expert advice

1. 7 possible reasons for aggression on the part of your husband
2. 7 steps to solve the problem
3. Advice from psychologists to women who are abused by their husbands
4. What not to do to avoid making the situation worse

What should women do if their husband constantly insults them? Start showing mutual aggression? Tolerate? Try to reason with your spouse? In some cases this may correct the situation, in others it may not. The fact is that there are men who consider this behavior absolutely normal.

In general, the question of what exactly to do is quite complex. Here you need to act carefully and be sure to take into account the specifics of the specific situation. But what you definitely can’t do is leave the problem unattended. The hopes that everything will settle down over time are too elusive here.

What to do if you are insulted on the Internet

If this happened in an official community on social networks, then you should know that they are usually moderated for unconstructive discussions, so just wait.
If you find yourself in a “wild place,” you always have the opportunity to complain about a comment, indicating the reason as “Insult.” After a complaint, such a comment will be hidden or deleted. For information

Comments on websites are often less well moderated than on social media, but there is also a “Report” option.

If you are insulted in private messages or messenger, you can always block the sender or restrict access to your page. Please note that insults in instant messengers may subsequently be deleted by the sender without the possibility of further confirming the fact that they were there, if necessary.

What to do with the offended?

Actions must flow from common sense, sober perception and without automatic reaction. If you don’t perceive everything soberly now, you automatically feel the urge to write or say something to this person, and your head is filled with thoughts about him, it’s still too early for you to act, and you should worry about working on yourself.

In this case, working on yourself is aimed at discarding your beliefs and ideas about the current situation and beginning to understand the situation as it is. Here's what you need to work on:

1. Your victim mentality
   . This will help you realize your responsibility for your own emotions.
2. Your fears
   .
   This will help you not worry about “ what if he stops communicating with me altogether?!”
   “When a person is in fear, he behaves inappropriately to the situation. Actions should be performed only with a sober head.
3. Your guilt. If you feel guilty, then you will do all sorts of stupid things in order to temporarily cover up your subconscious feeling of guilt. For example, you will start apologizing automatically, just to be forgiven, and the feeling of guilt will leave you.

Next, you need to meet the person. Your task at this meeting is not to apologize to him, but to help him deal with his offense.

And you need help in person.

If defamatory and false information has been posted about you

Social networks (including YouTube) have recently introduced special flags for moderators regarding misleading, harmful and abusive comments - you can take advantage of the opportunity to complain. Moderators usually respond to such statements quite quickly. To confirm that you are the victim, you may need a passport photo.

If information discrediting your honor and dignity (personal photographs, etc.) is posted on a separate website, the most effective way would be to contact its host and explain that the page contains offensive or law-breaking content. In order to find out who owns a website, you can use the Whois service. Only if you cannot reach an agreement with the hoster, is there a need to contact the authorities (with notarized screenshots).

Two things to realize if you are offended

There are a couple of points that you need to realize before you take any action.

1. Each person bears full responsibility for their emotions.

If a person is convinced that someone has offended him, insulted him, or, in principle, created any negative emotions in him, then he plays the victim, abdicating responsibility for his emotional well-being. When he lets go of the victim mentality, he begins to see himself creating his entire life in every moment. In particular, this means that he creates his own emotions.

Therefore, if they are offended by you, it is their fault.

Of course, this does not mean that I consider a situation in which a person behaves like an asshole, completely neglecting the interests of loved ones, to be correct. Like, I don’t care how my actions look from the outside, if they get offended, that’s their problem.

I say this because if your friend/partner/colleague has a grudge, and you don’t realize that his grudge is his fault, then you will automatically twitch from side to side, anxiously trying to somehow improve the situation.

You also need to realize that you are twitching not because of that person’s resentment towards you, but because of your own “cockroaches”.

What kind of cockroaches are these?

This is the second point.

2. If you feel very bad about being offended, dig yourself. You will see fear and guilt there.

Let's be honest. You don't care if you're offended! This is not what brought you to my page.

You are here because you are gnawing at the feeling of guilt for how you allegedly behaved, or behaved, in that situation. There’s a murmur in your head, and the contents of this murmur can be reduced to “it’s my fault,” “no, it’s his fault,” “no, it’s my fault”...

Nobody wants to feel guilty, because since childhood we have all disliked this feeling. And since childhood, we have all been manipulated by this feeling.

That’s why, by the way, it’s so important to work through your childhood. Even though they are offended at you, even though you are offended - all this is mental masturbation, the roots of which were sown in childhood. And you need to pull out these roots from there...

Be that as it may, next to your guilt is fear. Fear of losing this person.

Work through the fear of losing him

This fear especially manifests itself when a person, against the backdrop of his resentment, decides to ignore you. Your fear will definitely add fuel to the fire of your negative internal dialogue associated with that incident and the subsequent resentment.

And, by the way, the closer this person is to you, the stronger the fear and guilt will be

It's all about childhood again! After all, as a child, your parents were your closest people, and it was in that relationship with your parents that fear and guilt began to resonate. How to get a child to behave in a certain way?

• Make him afraid. “ Now I’ll leave, and you’ll be left alone.
  That's it I'm leaving! ”
• Make him feel guilty. “ Is this what people do??
  How dare you even?! ”

Against the background of this manipulation-programming, typical of many parents, you have developed a tendency to emotionally depend on the approval of other people. And emotional dependence is the subconscious root of both feelings of guilt and feelings of resentment.

Ok, let's say you realize these things. What, finally, should you do with someone who is offended by you?

If you are threatened or blackmailed

Today there is no longer any anonymity on the Internet, unless you use the darknet. A threat cannot be anonymous - it always comes from some account, phone number, address. It’s not that difficult to identify even a disguised attacker, especially for law enforcement officers.

Threat or extortion is a much more serious crime than insult. Threat is understood as the intention of one person to cause serious harm to the health of another or take his life (Article 119 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation); Blackmail (demanding the transfer of someone else's property... under the threat of disseminating information disgracing the victim or his relatives, or other information that could cause significant harm to the rights or legitimate interests of the victim or his relatives) is devoted to Article 163 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation.

If it comes to making a statement to the Ministry of Internal Affairs, list all the circumstances of what happened: who made the threat, where, how exactly, when, under what circumstances and who can confirm the fact of the threat.

To prove the fact of a threat or other negative information, notarized screenshots of correspondence may be required (the service of inspecting pages, personal messages and messages in instant messengers has recently been widely practiced by Russian notaries), which will then serve as an argument in court.

The correct reaction to aggression, rudeness and insults

We think that first it wouldn’t hurt to say a few words about the correct reaction to insults and offensive words in general. We can’t escape them – in life we ​​will have to deal with them in any case, but we can learn to fend them off quite easily and quickly. We are not taught this at school, and our parents do not always tell us how to behave with offenders. Therefore, everything has to be learned through experience. To make this process easier and faster, here are some initial recommendations:

• If you want to respond to an insult, but at the same time you understand that nothing you say will affect the offender, the best option would be to refrain from making any comments. Abruptly cutting off dialogue and stopping communication will help you save energy and time.
• It happens that a person who says something bad about you is simply out of sorts. Perhaps he is having troubles or problems, and in fact he has nothing against you. Realizing this, ask him: “Are you having a bad day?” A normal person will appreciate this and will definitely apologize to you.
• If you don’t want to enter into confrontation and ruin your mood, first of all, don’t be rude in return - that’s the main thing. You can ask again what the person said to you (often the need to say rudeness directly to your face has a sobering effect on the offender), or you can pretend that you simply did not hear his words.
• Do not make excuses under any circumstances if you are offended and insulted. This is a big mistake, and such behavior immediately reveals a weak person. There is no need to prove anything or point out to a person that they are being unfair to you. Conduct yourself with confidence and dignity; use the tips we give below.
• Make it a rule to refrain from retaliating with emotional attacks, no matter how much you want to put the offender in his place. Impulsive reactions often cause actions that you may later regret. Develop the ability to control yourself and reason soberly always and everywhere.

Situations when you are insulted can be very different. And the next thing we want to advise is to learn to adjust your behavior based on the characteristics of these situations. Here are some examples:

• If it happens that you yourself offended or insulted a person, his insults can be considered a natural response, because his pride is hurt, and he simply wants to repay in the same coin. In such a situation, it is better to remain silent so as not to aggravate it with your response phrases. But the best thing to do is admit your guilt and apologize.
• If someone offends you just like that and you don’t deserve it, most likely the person just needs to vent their emotions. Anyone could have been in your place. Here you can go in two ways: either simply remain silent, understanding that the person needs to “let off steam” and then point out to him that he is wrong, or immediately stop the attacks in your direction, telling the offender that he has no right to insult you, and you do not are to blame for his troubles.
• If you have to listen to insults from a clearly inadequate person, it is advisable not to enter into dialogue with him at all and let everything pass by. You need to endure indignation, otherwise you can provoke a conflict, the consequences of which are difficult to predict. Compare this to the barking of an angry stray mongrel: if you ignore it, it will move on to someone else, but if you start yelling at it and trying to calm it down, it will focus on you and will pursue you for a very, very long time.

But cases with people who are really not themselves are rather the exception to the rule. Much more often we have to deal with those who try to offend us intentionally and consciously. As an option, you can use several cunning but caustic phrases:

• I am surprised at the primitiveness of your mind and imagination - your insults are boring and simply cannot offend anyone.
• It's incredible how easily you insult people! But life will also present you with a couple of surprises, you can be sure.

The main thing is not to insult a person in direct text, but to use evasive phrases. In addition, you need to remember that boors and rude people usually specifically seek to provoke a specific reaction - retaliatory aggression and insults. Then the conflict can grow out of nowhere or for some completely insignificant reason. An adequate reaction to such attacks is a lack of attention. By the way, this technique is often used in psychological aikido and is called “to fail the interlocutor.”

However, “ignoring” is not always the best response to insults. It often creates in offenders a feeling of impunity and permissiveness, as a result of which they become even more impudent. For this reason, you should never ignore when cashiers, consultants, managers, salespeople and other employees insult you in the workplace. Here it is best, firstly, to spend a few minutes writing a review in the complaint book, and secondly, to talk with the boss of the rude employee.

This concludes the first block of the article. We hope that we were able to convey the main idea: you need to react to insults and hurtful words wisely, maintaining a sober mind even in the most emotionally charged situations. But we offer a few more useful life tips for communicating with aggressive people.

Use a sense of humor

What can defuse the situation and lift everyone's spirits? That's right, humor. You must develop the ability to quickly find the right words, preferably sarcastic ones. An answer in this spirit will amuse not only you and your offender, but also everyone who watched the altercation. In the end, the winner is always the one who knows how to better stand up for himself, and not the one who utters hurtful words. If you understand that the person insulted you not by accident, but intentionally, humor will be doubly appropriate. You can knock down the arrogance of your interlocutor.

How to respond to an insult funny and with sarcasm? Too often good phrases come to mind late. When your mind clears and you replay the dialogue to yourself, many funny lines may come to mind. Write them down so you can incorporate them into your speech the next time you have a chance. Prepared phrases for insults will be useful for insecure people who are unsettled by any rude statement addressed to them.

Responsibility under the law

The goal of a person reporting to these authorities is to both end the conflict and bring the offender to justice. It must be remembered that for humiliating the honor and dignity of another person, expressed in an indecent form, the boss may be held administratively liable for insulting an employee.

According to Article 5.61 of the Administrative Code, the official will pay a fine in the amount of 10 to 30 thousand rubles.

The time frame for consideration of the application is provided for by regulations governing the activities of the police, prosecutor's office, labor inspectorate and civil procedure code, if the application is submitted to a magistrate. The Criminal Code contains articles that provide for liability for threats of violence, causing harm to life and health, and the court can satisfy the demand for compensation for moral damage. If such threats are recorded, you need to file a statement with the police, asking them to take action and hold the employer’s representative accountable. Depending on the complexity of the situation, inspections or consideration of the case in court may take a long time.

There has already been a successful practice of holding superiors accountable for insulting a subordinate. The cases are still isolated, but they confirm that the law is completely on the side of the citizen who is forced to endure insult and rudeness at work.

Don't be afraid to laugh at yourself

Teenagers take insults very hard. What to do if you are called names at school? A teenager must understand that it is not always his fault that he has become an object of ridicule. Therefore, one of the good ways is to laugh at yourself. This works well if they call you names not on a regular basis, but from time to time when you find yourself in the same awkward situation. For example, you may say a word incorrectly or eat a chocolate bar in such a way that you don’t look very clean after eating. Know how to laugh at your mistakes with everyone else. But still, you shouldn’t step on the same rake all the time. Having encountered unpleasant name-calling twice, try to correct your mistake so as not to constantly listen to offensive words.

Don't make yourself a victim

Who is it customary to laugh at? Over individuals who cannot control their emotions, and over people suffering from low self-esteem. What to do if a boy calls you names? Don't let others mock and insult you. No one will touch strong personalities who do not mince words. So get rid of the false shyness that your mother or grandmother imposed on you. Modesty and courtesy need to be dosed. In modern life, these qualities only make life more difficult, rather than making it better.

If you do not have physical strength, try to crush the offender with your intellect. In this case, you need to read more so that you not only seem smart, but actually be one.

Learn to accept yourself for who you are. You should not take unsubstantiated criticism and gross insults to heart.

Husband humiliates his wife morally: what to do?

Psychologists on forums are often asked questions related to moral humiliation in the family. Here is one of the common situations.

Julia talks about how her husband constantly humiliates her in front of strangers. Julia herself is sociable, friendly, with the makings of a leader, which irritates her husband. When she and her husband are alone, everything is fine. But in company, the husband begins to court other women, praise them, and speak unflatteringly about his wife. She might even say that she is not right in the head.

The worst thing is that he tells his son not to listen to his mother, because she “is not right in the head.” As a result, the son does not perceive his mother and does not listen to her comments. The woman is confused and doesn’t know what to do.

Psychologist Anastasia Biryukova comments on the situation.

If a husband insults his wife in front of strangers, then it is better to undergo therapy together. You need to understand what the spouses want to say to each other, but they say it in a distorted way that destroys mutual understanding. It is possible to create harmonious relationships in a couple only by moving away from childhood traumas, behavioral stereotypes and existing projections.

The worst thing is that the child suffers from such relationships, since it is through him that the contradictions in the relationship are played out, which sooner or later will lead to the appearance of psychological problems for him. This is what the psychologist says, answering the question: what to do if your husband humiliates you.

https://www.all-psy.com/konsultacii/otvet/323789/

A similar situation arose with a visitor to the forum https://galya.ru

Jylika claims that her husband constantly insults and humiliates her in front of strangers, calls her names, shuts her up, and does not support her in anything. He called her a bitch only because she advised her to drive on a different road, where she didn’t have to turn the car around.

The husband always complains that he doesn’t see enough of his friends and wants to spend more time with them and not with his wife. An offended woman really wants to get a divorce, but she is afraid of losing the man she has loved since school.

Other women who have had similar experiences are trying to figure out the situation.

Chloe 777 advises being a bitch and responding in the same manner.

Tashe 26 suspects that the husband is eager not for friends, but for another woman. He doesn’t leave because he’s a coward and wants his wife to file for divorce herself. Then it would be possible to blame her for breaking off the relationship herself.

Nata has a different opinion. She believes that there is no need to give men advice on what to do while driving. 99 out of 100 would be sent to hell for such advice. The insults may be related to a marriage crisis of 3.5, 7 years. You need to think about this and not stress yourself out.

https://galya.ru/clubs/show.php?id=462486

Understand the reason

If a person clings to you or begins to insult you, you need to put yourself in the position of this individual. Before deciding what to do if you are called names, try to find out why the bully is doing it. The most common reasons:

• Resentment. It hurts a person to realize that he is wrong, and when he runs out of arguments, he breaks into a scream. In a fit of outburst of emotions, you can say various nasty things.
• Inflated ego. A person with high self-esteem loves to mock others. Such individuals do not offend those who can answer them. They choose weak individuals who can be put under pressure by authority or intimidated by force.
• The desire to vent anger. All people need emotional release. Some people splash out their emotions by playing sports, some are engaged in creativity, and some insult others. What to do if you are called stupid? Think about whether the person really thinks so, or whether he had a hard day and decided to choose you as an object for emotional release.

There's no point in being offended by the obvious

Do you often get called names? Think about what offensive words are heard with enviable frequency. Perhaps they tell you that you are short, tall, or have glasses. Is this really true? What should you do if you are called names like this? Don't be offended by the truth. Yes, you may be taller than others, but this is your advantage over them, not a disadvantage. If you are short, consider this feature of your appearance as your unique feature. Do you wear glasses? There's nothing wrong with that. A person should not be upset by the truth. Make peace with your appearance and try to love it. There is nothing you can do about your physical disabilities. You need to learn to accept them. Each person is unique, and red hair, freckles, large lips or nose should not interfere with your life. Take them for granted - and then the insults will stop hurting you.

Don't react. Do not apologize. Just ask questions and listen.

Your task here is to turn into an ear.

You work almost like a therapist. You need to let the person speak. So that he does not splutter in offended loneliness, but brings his grievances to the surface in a conversation with you.

But what is important is that there is no need to make excuses. After all, you are not responsible for his emotions.

Better ask questions.

• What exactly happened?
• How did you perceive my behavior?
• After what actions of mine did you feel offended?
• Why did you feel offended after these actions?

By asking such questions, you are reframing in the mind of your interlocutor. Before talking to you, his position was like this:

I was wronged and it is his/her fault.

Now, the position is starting to look more and more like this:

Certain actions were taken. I had certain reactions. I felt offended.

Without any accusations or apologies, you managed to ensure that the person, at least in part, began to realize that your behavior and his offense are two different things.

One thing follows another, yeah. But that doesn't mean that one thing causes the other. And even more so, this does not mean that you are responsible for both things.

And only if the interlocutor has this distinction between your behavior and his reactions, should an apology be addressed.

Do you need to apologize if you are offended?

You need to apologize, but only if it is appropriate.

If you see an opportunity to change your behavior in the future, apologize. Then offer an alternative to your behavior.

Different situations lead to resentment towards you.

Sometimes people will be offended by you, and you will not see anything in your actions that could be changed.

For example, if a friend is offended by you because of sheer bullshit, there is nothing to apologize for.

Listen to the person and that's it. If after talking with you the interlocutor has not realized a little responsibility for his grievances, you will not be able to do anything more. So say so.

What if you were offended out of the blue?

Let's say a colleague is offended by your criticism of his behavior.

If this criticism was a necessary measure, then you need to calmly let the person know that you will continue to criticize him in the future. There is no objective need to change your behavior if criticism is obligatory.

This has nothing to do with him as a person, but you will criticize his behavior, and you are not even going to restrain yourself. The person will then have a restructuring of his expectations, and he will not be offended in the future. They get offended when they expect too much.

If this does not suit him at all, then let the person think what he wants and do what he wants. You have neither fear nor guilt (if you have, work through it). Therefore, you calmly give him the opportunity to continue to be offended further, and you will behave as you see fit.

There is another situation.

What if you deliberately provoked his resentment?

Let's say that your friend's behavior was automatically criticized by you, in front of everyone, with ridicule - and now he is offended.

Here you can already see an opportunity to change your behavior in the future. And just as a person in a conversation with you pulled his cockroaches to the surface, you can pull yours out too.

“Yes, I now realize what I did then. I wanted the approval of other people, and for a long time I could not tell you how your behavior infuriates me. But I just can’t understand myself and understand whether my criticism is fair, or whether I’m just reacting to your behavior. So I took advantage of the situation, attracted the attention of our mutual friends, enlisted their support, knowing that they would side with me, and laughed at you. I took advantage of their attention to hide my own self-doubt and inability to tell you what I was thinking openly.

”.

By opening up in this way, you show the person your willingness to understand yourself, and do not throw off responsibility for your behavior.

You set an example for a person. By taking responsibility for your behavior, you are indirectly inviting him to take responsibility for his offense. Whether he will take it or not is a separate point, discussed below.

Now and only now, when in this incident you were isolated by your own behavior, which you can change in the future... it makes sense to apologize.

How to apologize if you are offended

“I apologize for this behavior. I will try not to do that in the future.”

You don't promise that you will never do this again. You promise to try

don't do that again. This is a much truer promise.

If you see clearly that you might do something differently in the future, add it.

“I will try not to do this in the future. I will try to tell you what I don’t like right away in a calm and friendly manner, rather than keeping it to myself and then unloading it on you at the moment when you are most vulnerable to criticism.”

The purpose of such an apology is to show the person that you are responsible for your behavior and have the intention to correct it.

BUT NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR HIS RESULT!

This is the main thing. Apologize for specific things that relate to you and only you. His resentment is not one of those things.

Ok, now that the conversation on this topic with a friend/colleague/partner is coming to an end, a couple of words about the final reaction of your interlocutor.

Will he take responsibility for his offense or not?

What not to do

Man is a complex individual. Not every person is able to give reasons for his particular action. Something is done unconsciously and subconsciously. But the result of such actions will not always be positive. Sometimes a person may be dissatisfied with his behavior. Advice on how to respond to insults was given above, and now let’s look at what not to do.

• Use force. Fighting never led to anything good. A cultured person should be able to defend himself with words, not fists. It's stupid to waste your energy beating up your classmates or friends. And if this method of behavior in children can still be called acceptable, then for an adult such behavior is an indicator of low development and inadequacy.
• Seek support from elders. Children and adolescents must learn to find a way out of difficult life situations on their own. There is no point in hiding behind your mother's skirt. Classmates and friends will not be able to respect someone who does not try to solve the problem on his own, but runs to complain to an adult about his unfair treatment.
• Cry. There is no point in publicly demonstrating your weakness. Tears are a manifestation of emotional release, but still learn to hold them back until you are alone. If you cry every time you are insulted, then offensive words will be constantly thrown at you.
• Scream. You can't respond to a scream with a scream. Know how to control your emotions and maintain composure. Do not show rage to the offender, because most often this is exactly what the person wants to achieve. Your calmness can infuriate the offender, and in the end it will be he who loses his composure, not you. Remember, victory always goes to the one who managed to save face in battle.

Punishment for harassment in the workplace

There are several punishment options.
Disciplinary action is imposed only if the organization has special ethics rules, which all employees must be familiar with. Important! Familiarization takes place against signature. Oral actions have no force.

A disciplinary sanction must be proportionate to the act, that is, it is impossible to fire an employee for an obscene joke, since such dismissal is appealed in accordance with the norms of the Labor Code of the Russian Federation.

Differences in punishment may occur for violators from different categories, for example, such a person may be an outsider, an official, or an organization. In all cases, the size of the punishment and its severity will directly depend on the category of the person and the nature of the violation.

Civil responsibility

Civil liability may arise for statements made without obscene expression or action.

The civil law procedure provides for the following options:

• making a personal or public apology;
• compensation for material and moral damage;
• moral damage cannot exceed 50,000 rubles.

Responsibility comes only after the corresponding decision of the court to which the victim applied.

Administrative responsibility

If there are obscene forms, administrative measures are taken. Punishment options:

• fine from 1000-50000 rubles;
• administrative arrest with a maximum period of 15 days;
• joint use of sanctions.

The latter option is rarely used, that is, only arrest or only a fine is applied as punishment.

Read also: Law on geodesy and cartography in 2022

Criminal penalty

Criminal punishment is used when there are threats to life and health. Sanctions in this case may be different:

• domestic arrest or detention with a maximum period of one year;
• imprisonment for 3-7 years.

Criminal liability can be expressed in two punishments, but they are imposed only in accordance with the severity of the consequences.

Important! If there is criminal liability, the victim has the right to additionally apply to the court to receive compensation.