The wife left for another man. Everything is over?

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Category: Current, Video, How to get your ex back, Relationships with a girl

Hello! is in touch !

Imagine that the person with whom you lived together for a long time disappeared from your life. And no matter how it happened - with a farewell note, a message in an instant messenger, a call or a scandal - the most interesting thing happens after. It's not even a matter of how things will change (perhaps you think that in essence it won't change at all), but what you will feel. The best word to describe the feeling is emptiness. Emptiness in the soul is a feeling that is difficult to describe, but feeling emptiness in the house is much easier. Ringing silence, empty shelves in the closets and bathroom, and even some unpleasant cleanliness. It's like someone died, leaving you alone.

It would seem that this is the time when you can calm down and put your thoughts in order. No one bothers you, your whole life is now at your disposal. But everything happens the other way around: there is complete chaos in my thoughts, futile attempts to find simple explanations for what happened. The wife left for another man. I don’t want to allow this even hypothetically.

Is it possible to return it? It's difficult, but possible. But in such a situation it is extremely difficult to cope alone. It’s much easier with an experienced mentor. And this is what you need to take care of first.

Understand what happened

Understanding and acceptance is the first step to moving on. Accept that your wife has left for another man. It is a fact. This is a difficult realization, but it is from this that you can build on further actions. You may have different feelings depending on how the breakup happened. If suddenly, then you may now feel sorry for yourself, and if everything has been leading to this for a long time, you blame yourself for not being able to prevent it. It is important to abstract yourself from all these thoughts. Take a break. The easiest way is to immerse yourself in work and other labor-intensive processes - for example, sports. Don't concentrate on one thing, try to keep yourself busy both intellectually and physically.

I think you can guess that most men do the opposite. And this is how almost everyone behaves:

You pester your ex with calls and messages, trying to convince her to return - with arguments and/or a variety of complaints. Having not achieved your goal, you express your grievances and threaten her and her current boyfriend.
You try to find a meeting with your rival, spread threats and run into a physical conflict.
You flaunt feigned indifference towards your ex-wife.
You are trying to manipulate the deceased, using your children and the general environment as a tool.
You begin to delve into yourself, coming to the conclusion that everything is your fault. Devouring yourself from the inside, you plunge into depression. You feel that with her departure the meaning of life has disappeared.
If you are peddling, as a rule, we are talking about alcoholism.

As you understand, there is not a single correct line of behavior here. All of them only confirm the correctness of your ex-wife’s decision to leave you.

Do you agree that you should always control yourself? Many people mistakenly believe that some situations allow us to weaken self-control, but it is precisely at such times that you can cause irreparable harm to your own and other people's lives. At best, you can simply turn your ex away from you forever.

Any energy can change state and transform into another. It’s the same with negative emotions that overwhelm you and force you to take hasty actions. This is bad energy, but it motivates and gives strength, which means you can successfully redirect it to another plane. If you can’t divert negative energy into a useful direction, it means there is too much of it, and you need to try to calm down. Do what you like and is not associated with nervous excitement - chat with those you love, watch good films, listen to calm music. Watch your breathing and control your thoughts - they should not constantly cling to associations about the past. If everything you think about reminds you of your ex-wife and connects with her, then it’s time to change your thinking. Take him in a different direction.

If you manage to take control of yourself for a long time, you can return to understanding the breakup. It's time to calmly analyze what happened.

How does it manifest?

The symptoms of depressive disorder are well studied and can be identified already in the initial stages of the disease. It is worth paying attention to :

Decreased mood, predominance of pessimistic thoughts and inability to experience intense emotions.
Disturbance in sleep and appetite.
Deterioration of cognitive abilities (memory, attention, concentration).
Apathy, lack of will (inability to perform even habitual actions).

Important ! A common symptom of severe depression is suicidal thoughts. If they appear, you should immediately contact a psychotherapist!

In men

Due to the specifics of their upbringing, they are less likely to seek help, and therefore the disease can drag on for a long time (and, according to statistics, more often lead to death).
Men pay less attention to their emotions and tend to deal with stress by resorting to alcohol, drugs, sometimes overwork, gambling, risky behavior (in short, anything that will help them forget for a while).
Depressed men may experience mood swings and become more aggressive, causing scandals and fights.

Among women

Depression is often accompanied by eating problems (anorexia or compulsive overeating).
Features of the cycle can influence the course of the disease - making symptoms more or less pronounced.
Decrease in libido, i.e. Loss of interest in sex life is a common sign of depression in women.

Event Analysis

Act consistently, collecting thoughts and a picture of the world brick by brick.

1. Confirm your assessment of what happened.

The most difficult thing at such a moment is to understand your true desires and motives. Perhaps this gap is logical? You yourself felt that the couple was unviable, but now resentment welled up in you. This is a typical situation for a marriage that is no more than five years old. Deep down, you were ready for a breakup, but not for being abandoned, or even leaving for someone else.

The situation is completely different with couples who have lived in a place for at least 10 years. The breakup in this case does not occur spontaneously - behind it there are many months or even years of reflection. And, believe me, your ex-wife took a deliberate step. She probably even made repeated efforts to convey to you the essence of her complaints, but you turned a deaf ear.

Answer yourself the main question . Do you really want everything back to what it was before? And if so, how will you cope with the fact that she chose someone else over you and shared a bed with him? Do you have enough self-control and courage to forget about it and never remind her? After all, if not, then the revived marriage is doomed to a new, already final collapse.

If the answer to all questions is yes, then only in this case should you take action to return it. However, I am obliged to warn you about the difficulties that are sure to arise. You will definitely have to spend a lot of time and show remarkable patience. At best, it will take several weeks or even months before the situation can move forward. What to do next is not important for now; I have talked about this and will talk about it in other materials.

2. Analyze the situation thoroughly. You've probably made mistakes. The reasons for her departure and everything that happened before it may be related to these miscalculations or some other circumstances. No one but you knows the situation better. Usually both are to blame and most often problems begin with one little lie. And sometimes a break in relationships occurs not because somewhere is much better, but because the current state is very bad.

Any problem can be resolved when both people are willing to have an open conversation and are able to listen to each other. But not at the moment. Now it’s too late (or in a sense, it’s still too early), clarifying the relationship is categorically contraindicated. Not only is your ex-wife negative towards you, but she is also likely tormented by the impact her leaving has had on you. In turn, you definitely cannot yet adequately assess the situation and have a substantive conversation. It takes time, and it is such an indispensable tool that sometimes only it is enough.

Focus on finding your own mistakes. They definitely were. And, so that everything is clear and works as it should, keep a record. Otherwise you won’t be able to get the full picture. Everything that you manage to recall in your memory will shed light on at least part of the objective reasons why you were left alone.

To make it easier for you, I have collected the most common and typical mistakes that men make:

You are immersed in your work, and do not care about constant attention to your family.
There are too many of you. You didn’t give yourself a break (even at work you constantly wrote and called, paid too much attention, thereby devaluing it) and tortured you with control (manifestations of jealousy, prohibitions).
They forgot that you are a couple and partners. For you, your wife is an appendage to the house, but not a person with whom it is pleasant to spend time, experience common emotions and new experiences. You spend more time with friends (leaving her alone). Between you there is only everyday life and sometimes sex. You didn’t build a family - you didn’t have common plans, you didn’t discuss development.
The ex-wife did not receive enough passion and emotion. Each of us needs someone with whom we can openly share our experiences. We want affection, care, romance and fire no less. All this should be provided by the other half. Otherwise, a woman (and a man) feels lonely, even when someone sleeps with her under the same blanket.
You were toxic. They constantly reproached my wife for something, put pressure on her and oppressed her. Or they acted hysterically. Frequent scandals.
There was no initiative from you. All key decisions were made by the wife, taking on the role of the man in the relationship. You didn't resist.

Found something similar in yours? Think carefully about each of these points. After this, you can start working on yourself and your relationships.

Children

If you have children together or children who consider your ex-husband or wife to be their parent, this can complicate the divorce process. Since the partnership ends after a divorce and the parenting relationship does not, you will have to learn to negotiate with your ex-husband or wife for the benefit of the children. You may have to talk to him/her almost daily, or see him/her at school or extracurricular activities. And even if you and your ex-spouse seem to be having an easy time co-parenting children, this constant interaction can make getting over your divorce more difficult.

What to do?

At the moment, you simply cannot make peace with your wife, even if you have realized all your mistakes and are ready to correct yourself. You can’t just call her and say, “I realized that I controlled you too much and was a weakling. But now I have corrected myself and am ready to take you back.” This won't work and will only make the situation worse. You are not in the movies, but in life.

Now you should completely disappear from her life and remove her from yours. Do not go to her pages on social networks (especially since some of them display guests). Do not contact your mutual friends or her family members. You should completely fall off the radar—at least for a few weeks. There are no exceptions here, this is the main rule in your situation. All my many years of experience confirms that without this nothing will work.

Accept her departure. In all seriousness. Wish her happiness mentally and go about your business. The fact that the ex-wife left for another man is a fact. You cannot and have no right to interfere with her. And the sooner you realize and accept this, the sooner you will be truly ready to move on.

Now spend all your time doing something - working on yourself . Live as if you had just freed yourself from a person who kept you close to him by force, oppressed you and did not allow you to develop. Feel the freedom and give the world around you a gift. Feel the fullness of life. Do what you didn’t have enough time for: go on a trip, start going to the gym and taking foreign language classes, read all the books, meet new people and do something new.

Meet girls and seduce them, but for now protect yourself from new serious relationships. Now it is better to take not only quality, but also quantity. Surround yourself with a variety of female attention - friendly, friendly, sexual.

Ideally, you should leave the house before dark and return only to collapse on the bed exhausted and fall asleep. Then you will not have time for depression, then you will receive attention and begin to respect the new you - the one who spends every day to the fullest and takes everything from life.

After a while, you will no longer have to force yourself to think about something else - thoughts about your ex-wife and separation will no longer bring negative emotions. This is the right moment when you can make contact again. Only very carefully and carefully. As you might guess, you cannot do without a clear action plan. And it can be one of several - it all depends on the circumstances of the separation.

Why did your ex-wife leave you for someone else?

Option number 1 . Your ex-wife's feelings for you gradually faded away until they disappeared completely. Love is over. In this case, you must “become a different person” in order to make her fall in love with you again. You are capable of this, because once you were already able to do it. We need to change both internally and externally. Start with your hair and wardrobe. Look at yourself in a new way. Perhaps, outwardly, you are stuck somewhere in the mid-2000s (depending on your age). Get seriously involved in sports to lose weight or, on the contrary, to become stronger. Get rid of health problems, including cosmetic ones. Give up all bad habits. Fill yourself internally: read more, develop professionally, make plans for the near and distant future, start a new hobby. Take a look at your surroundings: does it match the new you?

Now she should pay attention to you. If everything goes well, you won't have to do anything about it. She will hear rumors from mutual friends and relatives, and she will see new photos on social networks. The main thing is that it doesn't look like you're putting yourself on display. Remember dignity. Don't brag, be a man. You have to improve so much that everyone can see it.

Be careful: you just need to show yourself, and not call and constantly meet. No talking about relationships or old grievances. Wait for steps from her, and only when they become obvious and unambiguous - offer to meet. Don't tell them how much you've changed unless asked.

Option number 2 . You were a tyrant in the relationship, she ran away from you. By all means, you should try to very carefully and carefully convey to your ex-wife that you have changed. And it would be better for you to really realize that it is impossible to suppress a girl and not put her in anything.

First understand yourself and understand how you became such a person. You may need professional help.

Write to her if you are sure she will read it. Otherwise, ask mutual friends to talk. You need to let her know that you understand how difficult it was for her. You want to improve and change forever, and you are ready to do this for her sake by any suitable means. If you hurt her, be sure to ask for forgiveness, while maintaining your manhood and self-respect.

And then become the most gentle, loving and understanding. But move very carefully, without any force or pressure. Don't take away the freedom she's just gotten used to.

Option number 3 . Your wife left because of your infidelity. You need to try to regain lost trust, and this is a long process. Any lie you make will end everything, so don’t say what you don’t believe in. Can't you promise not to cheat again? Admit that you have psychological problems and say that you will see a psychologist to understand the reasons. Answer to yourself why you are ready to become faithful, and tell her about it.

There is no need to rush the event. If you meet, talk or correspond, then only for the sake of communication, and so that she understands that you can be trusted. Don't shower her with attention or be annoying.

This may take a long time. Think for yourself: even someone who is accustomed to lying and cheating can pull himself together for a while. Your wife thinks the same thing, so she can give you the test of time. You must endure it in order to show loyalty and regain trust, which will add respect for your perseverance. At the same time, she should feel your interest (in moderation).

Plan to get your ex-wife back

You will reach this point only if the previous stages were successful and you felt a change in attitude towards you: new feelings, lack of fear, restoration of trust.

You must have a ready-made plan for action, which you should strictly adhere to. The return must be carried out without error. If you don’t know how to do this, then it’s better to contact me. I have been involved in returns for many years, and during this time hundreds of families have found their happiness under my leadership.

Remember that she is waiting for changes - depending on what the reasons for leaving were. If you've done a good job identifying the mistakes you made, you should understand why she decided to break up with you. Naturally, this should not be repeated.

Best regards, Roman Vinilov.

In what cases does it happen?

Breakup does not always provoke depression. At risk are :

People who are genetically predisposed to the development of mental illness - in stressful situations they show greater sensitivity, react more strongly, their mechanisms for overcoming negative emotions are not as developed, so depression after a breakup overtakes them more often.
Suffering from chronic mental disorders, including borderline, dependent, anxiety, bipolar (the specificity of these diseases involves a violation of emotional regulation or an increased need for relationships, having a loved one nearby - it is logical that the severance of habitual connections will be much more painful for such people).
Those experiencing chronic fatigue as a result of increased mental or physical stress (such people are physically and mentally exhausted, so the slightest stress has an extremely negative effect on their mental state).

Note !
The presence or absence of “aggravating” factors will only affect the speed of getting rid of sadness caused by separation. Even if a person is prone to depression, this does not mean that he will never be able to cure this disorder. There is always hope for getting rid of depression - especially when specialists provide treatment. In any case, the psyche will respond with pain to the loss of a loved one , especially if this relationship lasted a very long time, and people were connected with each other by many pleasant moments and joint plans for the future.

Breaking up is not only a disruption in communication with a person, but also the need to radically reconsider your lifestyle. However, such a revision, although it will require a huge amount of resources from a person, will save you from stagnation and provoke global changes, allowing you to reconsider goals and values and re-set priorities.

What not to do after divorce

After the divorce, a man is controlled by anger, rage, resentment, and at every opportunity he begins to take revenge on his wife, tries in every possible way to offend, humiliate or insult, completely forgets about decency and completely loses common sense. It is important to understand that now you are at the mercy of emotions and feelings and you need to keep yourself “in control.”

Main mistakes:

Searching for the reason for the divorce, digging into the past, memories - they will not make it any easier; on the contrary, quarrels, scandals and grievances from the past will only worsen the situation.
Property division. It is necessary to avoid extremes, from sharing cups, spoons and shampoo, to housing, cars and more. Many men either leave everything that was acquired jointly to their wife, so that nothing reminds them of their past life, or they try to take away even the unfortunate, innocent TV set with a vacuum cleaner. This sharing will not add courage to you, so try to come to an agreement.
Parenting . Again, without going to extremes, a child is not a thing, you can’t try to sue him, or rather, you can, but you shouldn’t. It is important to distribute care responsibilities and pastime. You shouldn’t turn your son or daughter against the “non-mother,” even if you sincerely think so and are sure of it, you remain parents forever, even if you couldn’t save the family.
You should also not forget about the existence of your offspring; seeing each other regularly is very important. After a divorce, many fathers completely forget about their children, believing that alimony is quite enough. No, not enough.
Endless connections. It may be possible to forget yourself with a new passion, but not for long. If this increases self-confidence, it will also be temporary.
Denial of love and tender feelings in marriage. This is life, feelings change, passion cools, but this does not mean at all that there were no good, happy moments at all. It would be ideal to admit that the feelings were there, but over time they weakened or disappeared altogether.
Dependencies. Alcohol, drugs, internet, gambling. All this is not the best way to forget, it will drag on and you won’t be able to stop it, so it’s better not to start.
Confidence that the marriage has broken down and it will not be possible to return the relationship. Life is a series of events, nothing remains unchanged. After the emotions subside, the resentment and pain calm down, it is quite possible that feelings will flare up with renewed vigor and you will understand that this was the best woman of your life, so don’t promise.

Quote Frustration will either destroy you or lead you to success - it all depends on what you choose.

Karen Covey

How to survive a divorce from your wife and start living a new life

It is impossible to survive a divorce and start a new life without going through all the stages from denial, anger to acceptance of the situation. Divorce is a difficult test for all family members, men are no exception; they have a much harder time psychologically than women.

They keep their emotions to themselves, as a result of which they become patients of cardiologists and neurologists and other doctors. Unexpressed emotion, resentment stored in the soul for years, can destroy not only mental, but also physical health.

Common mistakes men make during divorce.

The most common mistakes after divorce:

Hasty entry into new relationships or chaotic, numerous connections. In this case, the wedge cannot be knocked out with a wedge. A man very often after a divorce strives to start a new relationship, thereby proving to himself, his ex and society that he is in demand, stroking his pride, drowning out the feeling of melancholy. As practice shows, new relationships against the backdrop of old wounds and grievances will not be successful and will also fail.
Conflicts with your spouse, showdowns, and disputes will only lead to increased stress on both sides.
Self-isolation. Cutting off ties with society, friends, relatives, the desire to sever all social ties, self-flagellation, searching for a problem, soul-searching, endless analysis of the situation, isolation will only worsen your well-being and situation.
Alcohol, drug abuse and other types of psychological and chemical addictions.