Psychologists define gaslighting as a method of manipulation that a person uses to influence, deceive, and gain control over another. The main task is to confuse the victim and make him doubt himself. In other words, it is deliberate deception in order to gain superiority.
When this tactic is used in intimate relationships, without witnesses and therefore without evidence, gaslighting becomes an extremely powerful weapon that allows the abuser to subjugate the partner and sooner or later question the reality in which he lives. But this can be prevented if you know what to look for.
Why does anyone need him?
With its help, one person manipulates another, tries to confuse him, distorts information, and the victim begins to doubt the adequacy of his own perception of what happened. This is a common technique used by abusers to establish control over another person.
“It is the abuse of power to dominate another person.
, says Patricia Pitta, Ph.D., a practicing psychotherapist and author of Solving the Modern Family Dilemma.
— Gaslighting undermines the victim’s confidence in who he is and what he believes. This can lead to a person doing something he doesn’t really want to do and feeling guilty for something he didn’t do. Ultimately, the victim may face depression, anxiety and other psychological problems.”
How to spot a gaslighter: 7 signs
People who resort to gaslighting are mentally ill. They seek to suppress another person in order to assert themselves at his expense. Their main task is to mentally devastate the victim so that she cannot resist. Attempts to resist psychological violence take a lot of energy; as a result, the victim uses all resources to maintain contact with reality and is no longer able to interrupt communication with the gaslighter.
Recognizing a gaslighter is not difficult if you know a number of key signs. Let's look at each of them in more detail.
Convinces that something is wrong with you
For example, he may say: “Your head is not right! You need to get treatment." In fact, this phrase means that a person notices something that he should not. Therefore, the gaslighter tries to convince the victim of her insanity, to make her feel helpless so that he can continue his psychological terror.
Often the gaslighter tries to involve the victim in a conflict in public, in order to arouse her emotions and thus obtain witnesses to her “inappropriate” behavior.
Uses offense as defense
An example would be the phrase: “I’m not cheating! You are jealous because you have low self-esteem." The gaslighter feels pleasure when the victim doubts his beauty, intelligence and attractiveness. He enjoys seeing her lose her confidence. Comparing your woman with others, letting her know that she is far from ideal and is not worthy of a man like him is typical behavior of a gaslighter.
Men with narcissistic disorder love to have affairs. In this way, they gain power over their victims, deliberately make them feel jealous, and thereby achieve complete control over their partner.
When trying to convict the faithful of treason, the victim will be accused of jealousy without reason, paranoia, inadequacy and lack of self-confidence. This reaction allows the gaslighter to deflect suspicion from himself and continue to harass his partner. If the gaslighter is presented with irrefutable evidence of his infidelity, he will turn on a defensive reaction, become aggressive and withdraw into himself.
Questions the adequacy of your reaction
Expressing emotions is completely normal, but a gaslighter knows how to use it to their advantage. "You're overreacting!" - this is precisely the phrase that is the most common tool of a gaslighter.
The gaslighter seeks to convince the victim that her reaction to something is inadequate, accusing her of being overly emotional. This happens because the gaslighter himself is insensitive, he is indifferent to other people’s experiences, he only experiences pleasure from humiliating the victim, fueled by his negative emotions.
Tries to turn offensive things into jokes
An excellent example of what gaslighting is is caustic and unpleasant jokes that can greatly offend the victim. The purpose of such jokes is not to amuse, but to offend and humiliate. He mocks the victim, gives her offensive nicknames, thereby expressing disrespect. At the same time, he convinces his opponent that he does not understand humor and the problem is in him, and not in the inappropriateness of the joke.
Gaslighters often behave this way at the beginning of a relationship. If you realize that your partner’s jokes do not amuse you, but offend you, don’t tolerate it, it definitely won’t get better.
Avoids talking about his behavior
The gaslighter seeks to suppress any attempt to discuss his misdeeds. When you try to discuss something, he will say: “Leave it in the past. I don't want to bring this up again." Most likely, he will begin to convince the victim that now everything will definitely be different and nothing bad will happen again.
The gaslighter will not give the victim the opportunity to realize that this has happened before, and the situation will not change. Thus, the victim finds himself involved in an emotional swing, where today the gaslighter is a loving family man, and tomorrow he is an aggressive manipulator. This cycle will repeat until the victim is hooked by the aggressor, unable to understand what is really going on.
Convinces that you are the source of all problems
A gaslighter will never admit his guilt in anything and will not allow him to be caught in the wrong. On the contrary, he will try to shift responsibility for his actions onto the people around him, making them feel guilty for non-existent sins. “The problem is you, not me!” - the characteristic position of a gaslighter.
Gaslighters always try to strike first, without giving the victim the opportunity to realize the essence of what is happening. Thus, the victim will be forced to adapt to the behavior of the gaslighter, predict his attacks in advance, but the aggressor will always be a couple of steps ahead, and the victim will be the loser.
Questions the authenticity of memories
Gaslighters are extremely cruel people who tend to mislead the victim, making him doubt his adequacy and the reality of what is happening. For example, this may manifest itself in the phrase: “Don't make things up! It’s impossible that I ever said that!”
The gaslighter will insist that the victim is making things up that didn’t happen, imposing his own vision of the situation on her, even though the blame lies entirely with him. Over time, the victim begins to doubt his mental health and loses control over the situation.
Where did this term come from?
The term “gaslighting” arose in 1944, after the release of the film “Gas Light” starring Ingrid Bergman. According to the plot of the thriller, the main character's husband convinces her that she is going crazy in order to hide from her the fact that he is looking for jewelry hidden in the house.
The search requires periodically turning on the attic light, which causes the rest of the lights in the house to shine more dimly. When the heroine tells her husband about this, he insists that it seems to her, at the same time convincing her that she committed actions that she remembers nothing about. He also isolates her from other people. As a result of all this, the heroine begins to think that she is losing her mind.
The term became popular again in the 2000s and was added to the Oxford Dictionary in 2022.
Gaslighting in the family
In everyday life and the vocabulary of professional psychologists, the word “gaslighting” appeared after the premiere of the play “Gas Light,” in which a manic husband gradually tormented a young heiress with the help of cunning manipulations. The purpose of such sophisticated violence is not to crush the victim physically, but to force her to deny very real facts, to cause attacks of schizophrenia, demoralizing the will. In families, this negative form of communication is used by partners in marriage wars or by parents against their own children.
Who can be a gaslighter?
Gaslighting is most often used by people in a position of strength versus weakness.
Psychoanalyst Robin Stern, author of the book “The Gaslighting Effect,” writes that women are most often victims of this phenomenon, and more men are found among manipulators. Also, children who are manipulated by their parents often become victims of gaslighting.
However, cases are different: your bosses, colleagues, friends, and even politicians can be manipulators (lately journalists often use this term when describing numerous statements by Donald Trump).
It is known that gaslighters are most often people who are prone to narcissism (they are extremely selfish) and sociopathy (they do not respect the views of other people and ignore their rights).
“They seek to control another person to satisfy their own needs or desires in a way that is manipulative and dishonest.”
- writes certified psychotherapist and Ph.D. Mike McNulty.
Gaslighting by fear: when he mocks, it causes guilt and deprives him of intimacy.
Gaslighting by a romantic or nice guy is the most difficult to detect because it involves behavior that might otherwise be desirable. However, in some cases, gaslighting is clearly part of the abuse - it includes yelling, humiliation, refusal to talk, imposition of guilt and other punishments or methods of intimidation. Maybe you tell yourself that this man is the love of your life, a good father to your children, or you fear that all his criticism is true, but at least on some level you realize that it is unacceptable to treat you this way.
Often this overtly problematic behavior is interspersed with periods of glamor gaslighting or good guy gaslighting. Other times, this is the gaslighter's primary strategy. For example, Jordan, the husband of Melanie, who was described above, is a typical gaslighter with fear. If Melanie bought the wrong fish for dinner, then Jordan will humiliate her, scream, bombard her with hundreds of questions that she cannot answer. After this he will not speak to her for several hours. He always behaves like this if he doesn't like what Melanie has done, and now she has completely given in to his attacks. She had long since stopped defending herself, although she had not stopped trying to win his love. She still thought that changing Jordan's attitude was the only way to prove that she was a strong, smart and competent woman who deserved a good and happy life.
How to recognize gaslighting?
Gaslighting can take many forms, but it will always involve lies or deliberately false promises. In the book already mentioned by Stern, there is a checklist of twenty signs that may indicate gaslighting.
She also describes several stages that a victim of gaslighting goes through, regardless of whether it is a family relationship, a work relationship, or any other.
We will present 7 of the most obvious signs, and at the end we will give advice on what to do about it all.
Glamorous gaslighting: his special world just for you
Let's say your boyfriend hasn't called you for two weeks, even though you left him several messages. Then he suddenly shows up with a huge bouquet of your favorite flowers, a bottle of expensive champagne and a tour for two for that weekend. You are angry and irritated. Where he was? Why were you not calling me? But he refuses to acknowledge the fact that his disappearance without explanation is a problem. Instead, he insists that you enjoy the romantic setting he has created for you. Like all gaslighters, he distorts reality and demands that you agree with this distortion. He acts as if nothing unusual happened, on the contrary, it is you who are acting strange for being so upset. His romance should cover up his bad behavior and how much stress it causes you.
I call these gaslighters glamorous. Some men use this type of gaslighting all the time. Others resort to it only from time to time, for example, if there is a particularly violent quarrel. Either way, glamor gaslighting can be very confusing—you know something is wrong, but you enjoy the romance. So if he refuses to admit that there are problems, you begin to agree with his point of view that everything is fine.
When I myself was in a relationship with a glamorous gaslighter, I had the feeling that he cast a magic spell on me, and I found myself in an enchanted world where my lover and I were the happiest couple. At the beginning of a relationship, the gaslighter is usually the most charming, and it is the qualities that will cause problems in the future that make a good impression in the early stages. He assures you that you are the most amazing woman in the world, you are the only one who understands him, a beautiful princess who has transformed his whole life. He, too, will transform your life, and he lets you know that he will shower you with compliments, take you on romantic dates and show you such signs of attention as you have never known before. You feel the closeness of souls, he is wonderful and special. He shines, you shine next to him.
Those women who have internalized cultural ideas about romantic love as a magical, ethereal experience see the glamorous gaslighter as the most ideal man in the world. After all, creating magic is his specialty.
Okay, but what's wrong with this picture? After all, sometimes love truly feels like a magical experience. However, very often the men who skillfully create “magic” are not seeking a relationship, but their idea of what it should be. They set the stage for their own love drama - they just needed an actress to play the female role, and then you just turned up. And so they immediately hand you the script and, without giving you time to come to your senses, drag you to the set. It can be exciting for a while - expensive restaurants, romantic gestures, sexual adventures. But in this play there is only one main character - himself.
Sometimes even at a very early stage you may notice the first problems, but you simply turn a blind eye to them so as not to ruin the magic. Other times, everything seems truly perfect until the first glitch in the script - the first time he accuses you of something you didn't do and expects you to agree with him. You may bask in the glow of romance for a few weeks or months until he blames you for being upset because he disappeared for two weeks. By this point, you may be so invested in the relationship that, despite doubt and confusion, you continue to hold on to it, desperately hoping to regain its former luster.
Signs of a relationship with a glamorous gaslighter
Some of the items on this list are neutral or positive in themselves. But if you're concerned that your partner is using a "charm" to make you ignore your feelings, then even positive items could indicate gaslighting.
– It often seems to you that the two of you are in your own special world.
– You would describe your boyfriend as “the most romantic man you have ever met.”
– After arguments and disagreements in your relationship, there is usually a period of intense romance, with special gifts, intimacy and sex.
– Your friends are impressed by how romantic your guy is.
– Your friends are worried about how romantic your boyfriend is.
– Your impressions of your boyfriend do not correspond to the impressions of your girlfriends and friends.
– His behavior in public is very different from his behavior in private.
– He is one of those people for whom it is important to charm everyone and everyone who happens to be nearby.
– Sometimes it seems to you that he has a whole repertoire of romantic ideas that may not match your mood, tastes or the history of your relationship.
– He insists on romance (including sexual), even if you said that you are not in the right mood.
– You feel a huge difference between the beginning of your relationship and what is happening in it now.
What happens to the victim?
The first stage that the victim goes through is denial: she notices that the abuser is behaving strangely or inconsistently, she feels injustice, but shrugs it off due to the frivolity of the particular incident.
The second stage is accompanied by doubts about oneself and the adequacy of one’s own perception of the situation. However, at this stage the victim is still defending herself against the abuser because she hopes that she can prove her point or convince the gaslighter.
By the third stage, a person begins to believe that the abuser is right, but he is wrong and is to blame for what is happening. He hopes that if he agrees with the aggressor and meets his expectations, he can earn his approval.
Severe emotional abuse
Gaslighting is not a single action, but rather a combination of actions aimed at distorting the victim's perception of reality. Here are some examples:
- Humiliation. When any conflict or disagreement arises, the gaslighter confidently tells his victim that “you are wrong” or “you are stupid and don’t understand anything.”
- Hiding information. To put a person at a disadvantage, the gaslighter hides certain information from him.
- Shifting the blame. The gaslighter always gets away with it because the distortion of reality makes the victim feel guilty for everything that goes wrong.
- Changing history. A gaslighter will deny, lie, distort facts, and manipulate in order to maintain control over the victim. For example, he twists some event from the past and insists that his version of what is happening is true. If someone begins to doubt his “truth,” the manipulator will begin to be demonstratively indignant.
- Ignoring the feelings and experiences of the victim. If the victim says that something does not suit her in the relationship, then her feelings will simply not be paid attention to. She may be accused of being overly sensitive and overreacting to everything. No matter what attempts she makes, the gaslighter does not pay attention to her words and does not attach any significance to them.
- False accusations. They are used quite often and can sound like: “you never listen to me,” “you always think you are right,” or “you always want it your way.” You will not be able to prove to a gaslighter that his words are not true. In addition, such accusations often represent a projection of the behavior of the gaslighter himself.
- Partner isolation. Isolation allows the gaslighter to not worry about interference from others, which could reduce his influence.
- Statements that the partner is crazy. The gaslighter decides that his partner is acting “crazy” and begins to convince him of this over and over again.
This behavior demonstrates how a partner who uses gaslighting distorts his partner’s view of reality and imposes his own view as the only true one.
What should I do if I am a victim of gaslighting?
You should also see a therapist or a support group for victims of domestic violence. If this is not possible, you can turn to trusted friends or relatives for support. They will help you look at the situation from the outside and expose manipulation.
Robin Stern notes in her book that the first step to dealing with gaslighting is to be willing to completely sever the relationship with the abuser. At the same time, she believes that everyone must decide for themselves whether to break off the relationship or try to change it: if the abuser is your boss or colleague, you may want to stay in your position because working in this company has other advantages.
In this case, Ariel Liv, author of The Shortened Life, who speaks publicly about her experiences with gaslighting, advises remaining steadfast and sticking to your own version of events, pushing back when others doubt what you say.
“Being inflexible does NOT make you a difficult person. It makes you stronger and more resilient,”
- she writes.
At the same time, she mentions that trying to convince or change the abuser is useless: no matter how strong your arguments are, the abuser will never accept them, and the sooner you understand this, the easier it will be for you to get out of this situation.
- Author: Larisa Stebeneva
Manipulation: what it is and types of application
Manipulation itself is one of the ways one person influences another, either through words or through actions. Her goal is simple - to benefit from communication through gaining control over the behavior and feelings of another person. In the process of manipulation there are always two participants: the manipulator and the recipient of the influence. Depending on who the recipient of the influence is, the manipulator can predict the outcome and, accordingly, choose exactly those actions that can give the desired result. It is clear that the addressee is not informed about the attempts being made to interfere with his personality. Therefore, we can safely say about manipulations that they fundamentally demonstrate a disdainful attitude towards the psychological “superstructure” of one person over another. They are found everywhere: at work, in the family, in couples. They often have demoralizing consequences for the recipient of the influence: here everything depends on the techniques that the manipulator uses. To what extent do these techniques pull the rug out from under your feet, do they distort the perception of reality, etc.
Photo: pexels.com
It happens that a person is clearly aware of his manipulative actions from the starting point to the desired final result (this type is found in business communication), and it also happens that a person is vaguely aware of the final goal and meaning of the action (typical of interpersonal relationships, everyday situations). Manipulations can be divided into communication - verbal, for example, in negotiations, discussions, and behavioral - when the manipulator tries to control the consciousness of the addressee through actions, staged situations. The theory has been briefly discussed, let's move on to the types!
✔ How is gaslighting different from abuse?
Although abuse and gaslighting have much in common, it is still not worth equating these concepts. Some experts argue that gaslighting is a form of abuse, while others look at them as two completely different, but overlapping concepts.
• Both abuse and gaslighting are types of manipulative-psychological violence. The key idea of both the abuser and the gaslighter is his clearly structured subjective world, in which the victim, in order not to suffer and not experience various kinds of psychological tricks, is obliged to unquestioningly obey him and fulfill all his demands at the first call.
• Both abuse and gaslighting are initially perceived by the victim as minor quarrels and misunderstandings, without which no relationship can exist. That is why very often the fact of pressure on the victim goes unnoticed. The victim simply does not understand or realize that the partner is manipulating her and trying to impose his point of view on her.
• The victim of abuse adapts to the manipulator and at some point ceases to perceive himself as a full-fledged and self-sufficient person. She becomes part of the abuser and does everything possible to meet his expectations and earn his approval.
• Gradually, all her personal goals, desires and ambitions disappear somewhere. The victim stops demonstrating initiative and creativity. Being in a relationship with an abuser, the victim degrades, and her personality first falls apart and then completely turns into ruins.
• A gaslighter, unlike an abuser, wants to make the victim doubt his own sanity. He, using various manipulative techniques and techniques, convinces the victim that she reacts inadequately to the events happening around her and perceives everything incorrectly.
• What is the difference between abuse and gaslighting? Both the gaslighter and the abuser ignore all the emotions, desires and needs of the victim, cultivate in him a feeling of guilt and inferiority, blame him for all mortal sins, and deprive him of personal space and freedom of choice. But the gaslighter, unlike the abuser, convinces the victim of her inadequacy and denies what was said and done. He first humiliates the victim and evokes negative emotions in her, and then says that the victim herself is to blame for everything, since she simply misunderstood him.
Typical Gaslighting Phrases
Here are some typical phrases used by gaslighters:
- It's all in your head.
- I know what you're thinking.
- You're always nervous.
- You lose your composure so quickly.
- Are you sure about this? Your memory is bad.
- You overstate.
- I'm only doing this because I love you.
- I never said that. You're making things up again.
- You're fantasizing.
- Can you hear yourself?
- You're too sensitive.
- There is nothing wrong.
- You know I'm right.
- Don't make things up.
- Everything was wrong.
- You need to learn how to communicate with people.
- I was just joking!
- Where did this crazy idea come from?
- You're just trying to confuse me.
- You made a mistake.
- You're paranoid.
- We were talking about it. Do not you remember?
