Self-worth is a holistic state of personality, which includes both emotional experiences and the level of attitude towards oneself and others and is built on harmony, integrity of one’s own image, complete acceptance of oneself and one’s various manifestations. Internal self-worth, despite its consonance, is not a concept identical to self-esteem, since it is a basic feeling that is difficult to change. If self-assessment as a person or as one of the demonstrated models may depend on the spoken word, the opinions of others, comparison of one’s appearance or health with some indicators, then self-worth does not depend in any way on any external factors.
The principle of self-worth of the individual is laid down at the early stages of development through the internalization of behavioral patterns of the immediate social environment, where the acceptance of a person as he is is promoted, but also the provision of similar freedom to exist in an individual concept to all people around him.
The system of education and socialization of modern society dictates completely different paradigms of perception of reality and constantly requires the individual to become someone. This is how an internal confidence develops that in order to be or be accepted you need to become someone else, i.e. Accepting yourself in your existing form is impossible. People change their bodies in the direction dictated by fashion and magazines, choose areas of activity not according to their own capabilities and inclinations, but according to the wishes of their parents or prestige, even an expressed opinion or favorite type of tea is imposed. The mechanism of holding everyone to the same standards is convenient for manipulating consciousness, but it completely destroys self-acceptance, self-worth and the ability to realize one’s true inner potential.
A man of action. The main method of the powers that be
There is another good quality - he is a man of action.
There are very few such people, but they are all successful and rich. Such people not only talk and, after a while, act. They plan and then act quickly and immediately. They quickly make a decision and immediately begin implementation. What does it mean to be a man of action? The time between idea and implementation becomes minimal. While others are gathering, making plans, thinking, calculating and dreaming, the man of action has already begun.
A person of action starts earlier than others and is more flexible in making decisions. He tries out an idea, a theory or a dream, and then looks at the intermediate result. If he is not satisfied, he changes the strategy or refuses implementation. A man of action is always several steps ahead of others.
Self-worth - what is it?
This is a fairly deep and multifaceted concept. Self-worth is about relationships with yourself, the ability to value and take care of yourself, to perceive yourself as you really are. Listen to yourself and your desires, live in harmony with your “I”. Love and respect yourself not for any specific merits or approval of others, but because you are a person. Unique and unique, whose life is unique and priceless.
But few people realize how valuable it is. Since childhood, we have become accustomed to being constantly evaluated, praised, and criticized. We are expected to meet certain standards of behavior. Going beyond them often leads to disapproval or misunderstanding from society, family, and friends. And we are afraid of it.
The fear of not being like everyone else, of being different from others, alienates us from ourselves. We lose our value in our own eyes. We stop understanding ourselves, feeling our desires and needs, moving towards goals and simply enjoying life. Without the need for social approval.
The desire to constantly please others and meet the expectations of others at the expense of one’s own desires entails negative consequences. Mental disorders, neuroses, diseases. Sometimes this can lead to complete personality destruction and suicide.
Self-worth is directly related to our sense of self. When a person does what he loves, makes progress, reaches new heights, his self-worth grows
He feels his importance, that he does not live in vain, his existence makes the world a better place, and life is filled with meaning.
This is also transmitted to others. A person with high self-worth feels calm, harmony, and love for others. Such a person is able to believe in himself and trust himself. Even when he consults with others or asks for help, he makes a balanced and deliberate decision. Only those with high self-esteem can value not only themselves, but also those around them.
Overcompensation
Hypercompensation (Greek hyper - over, compensare - to compensate) is a special type of compensation, as a result of which it is possible to occupy a dominant position in relation to others.
A person who is unsure of his worth often resorts to this method. He wants to provide evidence to the whole world in favor of the fact that he is valuable and good. Often, asthenic workers stay up late studying piles of papers, wanting to please their manager and receive long-awaited praise. But all they achieve is to create new problems for themselves. After all, with all the desire, a melancholic person cannot turn into an energetic choleric person. Mental characteristics must be taken into account when drawing up a work and rest schedule. You need to know your strengths and weaknesses.
A person who does not have a sense of self-worth has practically no personal guidelines. He measures his life not by what is valuable and important to him personally, but by what others expect from him. Whether he will get a “pat on the head” from them or not is another question (in reality, it is almost impossible to please everyone; there will always be a detail for which they can “kick”). The root of all the troubles of those who have chosen the strategy of overcompensation is that the assessment of others becomes his main life guide. But this is a real dead end. After all, others cannot know what is good for a person and what is not. They live by their value system. If it is beneficial for the boss that their employee stays late without additional pay, he will always be in favor; he is unlikely to be concerned about the health of his subordinate.
Law of the magic word
It turns out that the magic word is “NO,” and not “please.” Many problems can be avoided if you learn to refuse people. Do not spend time in empty communication “out of politeness.” Don't lend money when you don't want to. This is much better than suffering over whether they will return it or not. Give what you can give, but don’t lend. Goethe said: “If you want to lose a friend, lend him money.”
I discovered an interesting phenomenon. When a person refuses with reason, his self-esteem increases and self-respect increases. People are afraid to refuse. Do you know why? They are afraid of not being liked! And you can't please everyone. Learn to calmly experience other people's negative emotions about your refusal. If you immediately say “NO”, then it will be easier to justify the refusal. Refuse easily.
What gives you a sense of self-worth
Self-worth is a person’s ability to accept and respect himself, regardless of what mistakes he has made or what successes he has (not) achieved. One who has this quality loves himself regardless of all conditions and reservations.
When a person with low self-esteem learns to accept himself, to rejoice simply in the fact that he exists in this world, he finds inner peace. Stress and tension gradually go away, and in return there is a desire to pursue your interests and hobbies. If you take your time and periodically allow yourself to feel this state of total self-acceptance, ways out of situations that previously seemed hopeless will appear.
It becomes easier to concentrate on your needs - finally go to the doctor or to the gym, discuss an important topic with your loved one, relieve yourself a little from work
Recognition of the self-worth of the individual
Trying to understand what the self-worth of a person is, it turns out that this is not just affectionate and pleasant acceptance, but a basic category, without which the healthy existence of the psyche is impossible. The less of this manifestation a person has, the more neuroses he has in trying to make himself into something else, the more tendencies to develop mental illnesses and somatic abnormalities. The inability to love one's essence in its original form can lead to latent suicidal behavior, and as a consequence of this, antisocial behavior begins. As a result, social mechanisms that try to stabilize society by setting boundaries only further undermine its foundations with these restrictions.
The intrinsic value of life was automatically recognized after several wars and total deaths that shocked all of humanity. The more people encountered massacres and looked at the consequences, the more they realized that no change is worth human life. It was this that was recognized as the main and inviolable value, no matter what sources were used in regulating legal or spiritual aspects and no matter what institutions questioned the moment.
In all religious denominations, in all legislative acts, the first and most inviolable thing is human life. This understanding is universal, but sufficient acceptance is not given to the one who realizes this life, how he appears in this world. It turns out that there is value in life, but there is no value in personality, its originality and naturalness.
The self-worth of the individual now requires the same unambiguous recognition as the intrinsic value of life. It is the inalienable right of everyone to exist and exist as they can. Just as the value of life is a priori regulated by higher laws, so its personal and characterological characteristics must be in their original form.
Self-worth is something that should not only be passively accepted, but also required to be actively defended. For example, this concept should not be confused with selfishness, because selfishness of manifestations always rests on demands from another, to show a certain internal insufficiency, while self-worth is full and harmonious. In essence, after accepting the intrinsic value of oneself and others, if this were within the framework of a utopian concept and happened to everyone at the same time, then wars and claims on earth would cease. The whole economic system of remaking people would collapse, but a feeling of harmony would come and in every corner people would be able to feel as protected as at home, where everyone is family and filled only with love.
Recognition of self-worth at the legal level will create a society based on honest and open interaction. Around one individual with a clearly recognized value, not only harmonious and deep personal relationships develop, but also a high level of professionalism and awareness in his approach to life. This provides multiple internal supports, even when a person is ready to give up. So, when a person with low self-worth tries to solve some issue, he may neglect important points, just as he usually neglects himself, but a harmonious person who values those around him and his own manifestations will not look for stupid solutions to situations, but will offer optimal, harmonious ways for all.
When does transformation begin?
While on the spiritual path, we are usually immersed in new information, and this increases the sensitivity of our perception. But no matter how expanded it may become, we look at everything from a fragment of the mirror of personal 3-dimensionality, until we move on to understanding reality not through mental assessments, but through feelings.
Connecting with your Soul is a breakthrough from mental space. This enriches perception, reveals new sides of oneself, leads to a different quality of life, but... self-esteem does not change significantly.
This happens when consciousness “shifts” in a quantum leap and there is a clear knowledge of Who I Am.
For some this happens instantly, for others it happens gradually. But, one way or another, processes begin that affect the entire psyche: all components of the self-image, the entire set of ideas about oneself. This is a whole system of “I”.
It is called
“Self-Concept”,
and self-esteem is its core.
Managing people, manipulating consciousness, which the media, traditions, religions are aimed at, is the art of interfering with the “I-Concept”. This structure is so sacred that it is far from being studied in depth in psychology. At the same time, it is a direction, a compass
in the spiritual path:
the transformation of a person as a unit of God consciousness occurs when changes are made in the “I-Concept”.
What subconscious traps are holding us back that a spiritual seeker needs to overcome?
Psychologists who dare to touch the depths of the “I-Concept” analyze it in different ways. Let's briefly look at it like this:
- The block of self-identity “I” is “I”
- Block “I am like this”
- Block “Me and Others”
- Self-esteem
System of values
People who are not aware of their value have a very vague value. The first thing to do is to explore what is truly important to you, developing your worldview. Try to determine what is acceptable for you and what is not. Of course, this in no way means that you need to try to teach life to everyone you meet.
Developing your own value system will help you build your spiritual core and find your own support in life. You will be able to understand what to focus on when choosing friends, which wife (or which husband) will suit you, which decisions on the path of life will be correct.
Useful techniques and exercises
To achieve a high level of self-worth and know yourself, you should constantly exercise and work on yourself. Below are some useful practices that will help you with this.
- Remember the feelings you had in some unpleasant conflict. Write about how you feel at this moment and who you think is to blame for this. You may be hurt, confused, or desperate.
- Now think about why you had such emotions, whether they could have changed with other life experiences. Describe so that you can feel and think that the way you reacted was correct.
- Write what reaction you had and what actions you took. How difficult was this decision for you? Try to be understanding of yourself and your choice in that situation.
- Consider whether you need support during the analysis. Whose advice would you need, what would it be and in what form. Now try to contact this person.
You can also try bodily techniques. They will also help in this difficult matter. For example, do a warm-up and walk a little. At the same time, your legs should feel heavy, as if your legs were glued to the surface. Then feel that you are standing firmly. Feel your body, its movements, breathing. You can try this technique all the time. Over time, the feeling of stability and self-confidence will grow and increase.
Self-care.
Self-acceptance is born through manifestation to your body and spirit. Nutrition and habits, social circle, desires and whims - this is what often loses importance and becomes an afterthought. However, this is where the growth of both self-esteem and an internal sense of uniqueness, individuality and importance begins.
It is important to listen to yourself in moments of worry, fatigue or irritation. By concentrating on your preferences, you can come to an understanding of the true and basic guidelines, and get rid of artificial attitudes that interfere with the achievement of harmony.
To understand how to increase a woman’s or a man’s self-worth, it is enough to turn to specialized psychological literature or consult with a specialist. Since such work requires a serious approach.
Factors influencing the formation of self-esteem
Inadequate self-esteem is always bad; it creates discomfort and problems for both the person himself and his environment. But can an individual be blamed for having a wrong self-image? Under the influence of what is self-esteem formed?
Social factors
The foundations of self-esteem are laid in childhood, from the moment when the baby becomes aware of his “I” and begins to compare himself with other children and adults. But in preschool, and even at primary school age, children cannot yet adequately analyze their qualities and their behavior, therefore the evaluative sphere is formed entirely under the influence of adults. Remember how V. Mayakovsky wrote: “The little son came to his father, and the little one asked: “What is good?” And what is bad?
Therefore, it is the wrong actions of adults that give impetus to the formation of inadequate self-esteem. Here are some of them:
- unfair or excessive punishments;
- unreasonable and too frequent praise;
- constant comparison of the child with other children to show his weaknesses, inability, disobedience;
- the position of a “king” in the family or a favorite at school;
- emphasizing and focusing the child’s attention on his failures and mistakes.
Child psychologists believe that, in general, praise and encouragement are more beneficial, while constant reprimands and punishments are harmful. The fact is that we experience negative emotions more strongly than positive ones. And unpleasant sensations are stored in memory longer and have a stronger impact on our behavior. This happened in the process of evolution.
The opinions of people around us have a great influence on the formation of self-esteem and of an adult, especially when it comes to socially significant people whose opinions are important to us
Personal factors
The formation of self-esteem is also influenced by a person’s individual characteristics, the uniqueness of emotions, temperament, and character.
People with a sensitive psyche worry more about their failures and about the assessments of others than those who are less emotional.
- A person whose melancholic traits predominate tends to get upset even over a minor random remark and remember it for a long time.
- A phlegmatic person may not even pay attention to the remark.
- Closed, unsociable introverts worry less about the assessments of others than sociable extroverts. On the other hand, extroverts, due to their tendency to demonstrate behavior, often suffer from inflated self-esteem. But people who avoid people and prefer solitude often consider themselves superior to others and despise those around them who are unworthy of communicating with them.
That is, individual personality characteristics certainly influence the formation of self-esteem, but its vector is determined primarily by the social environment. There is another important factor related to a person’s assessment of his own “I”.
Level of aspiration
We all strive for something in life, we set goals for ourselves. And these goals are different: some want to earn money for a new apartment, some want to create their own thriving company, and for others a trip to the sea is the ultimate dream. The degree of complexity, difficulty of a goal or task that a person defines for himself is the level of his aspirations.
Just like self-esteem, the level of aspirations can be adequate or inadequate. Adequate is one where goals correspond to human capabilities. If a school graduate with poor knowledge and low Unified State Exam grades decides to apply to a prestigious metropolitan university, then he clearly has an inadequate, inflated level of aspirations. And when a good student refuses to enroll in a higher education institution because he is afraid of failure, then his level of aspiration is too low. Both are bad.
The level of aspirations is formed under the influence of successes and failures that accompany a person on the path of life, and, in turn, affects the formation of self-esteem. After all, an athlete, constantly setting a bar for himself that he cannot jump over, will very quickly become disappointed in his abilities and in the ability to achieve success. And a low level of aspirations does not contribute to the development of self-esteem and self-confidence.
But psychologists still believe that a low level is worse than a high level and has a bad effect on the formation of personality and its position in society. It makes a person a socially passive loser who does not strive for success.
I’m alone: 30 questions for psychologists about self-esteem
Content
Is it good to be a perfectionist, what techniques will help raise self-esteem and how to deal with those who are trying to lower it? We asked these and other pressing questions about self-esteem to three leading psychologists - Olga Senchuk, Maria Brazgovskaya and Irina Belousova.
Olga Senchuk (@olgafreshhh)
Psychologist, coach
Are self-esteem and self-love the same thing?
Self-esteem and self-love are very close concepts, but still they are different things. The answer is in the words themselves: self-esteem is how you evaluate yourself, in other words, the feeling of your worth. And it either exists or it doesn’t. As for self-love, it’s about actions and how you show your attitude towards yourself.
It is important to understand that “to love” is a verb, and self-love directly depends on whether you value yourself or not. If you have a feeling of your worth inside, then you will treat yourself exclusively with love. You will not allow yourself to suffer, to endure what hurts, because this is not done to a valuable person. And if there is no feeling of value, then we try to achieve it by performing actions that, in our opinion, will make it possible to feel this value. And most often this is servility, the desire to be recognized and attempts to please everyone - and to the detriment of oneself.
Unfortunately, all these actions have nothing to do with self-love - they are all directed outward. A person thinks that by earning acceptance and recognition from others, he will be able to feel good about himself. But this plan is always doomed to failure, because self-esteem and self-love depend solely on ourselves.
Raising self-esteem once and for all – is it real?
I would say differently - self-esteem can be stabilized. The very concept of high and low self-esteem is not entirely correct - it’s just that in different situations a person feels differently. For example, if a man likes a girl, her self-esteem is in the positive zone: “I liked me, I’m beautiful.” But if a friend tells the same girl that she looks bad, her self-esteem may plummet.
From here we draw the obvious conclusion - self-esteem is conditional.
It depends on external circumstances and people, which means there is no need to increase self-esteem, but to get rid of outside influence on it. And this is quite real - but you need to be realistic and understand that we are all living people, and that there will still be fluctuations in self-esteem. But the amplitude can be minimized.
Why do we constantly have the desire to compare ourselves with other people?
The desire to compare yourself to others is generally normal. Otherwise, how could we self-determine and become aware of ourselves? But there is one thing. When it comes to self-esteem, most people “evaluate” themselves by comparing themselves to someone else. That is, the starting point of one’s value is outside – and this is no longer true.
There will always be more successful, beautiful, younger people, which means our self-esteem will suffer due to the fact that we are “worse” than someone. The solution is simple: learn to value yourself regardless of the conditions around you. I am
, and this is good.
And comparing yourself to other people in terms of your worth makes no sense. We are similar in appearance - arms, legs, head, but at the same time we are all very different. Everyone has their own talents and highlights - these are the ones that need to be valued and nurtured. My mantra for this case: “we are all different, but we are equal!”
What are the “symptoms” of poor self-esteem?
There are many of them - it all depends on the type of self-esteem. For example, if a person has the following attitude: “I must be comfortable and good,” then the symptoms will be as follows:
- the desire to please everyone;
- inability to defend one's boundaries;
- the tendency to “be patient” even if you don’t like something;
- inability to express anger and irritation;
- fear of loneliness;
- continuation of a toxic relationship in which the person is not valued and used.
If there is an attitude - “I must be ideal, special, better than everyone else,” then the main symptoms will be:
- comparing oneself with others on the basis of “better or worse”;
- envy;
- jealousy of other people's successes;
- cynicism and arrogance;
- the feeling that I am insignificant if someone else did better.
If there is an attitude - “I must be able to do everything myself,” then the following qualities will appear:
- aggression and conflict as a way to protect self-esteem;
- touchiness and tendency to blame others for your failures;
- devaluation of loved ones;
- ignoring the feelings of others;
- fear and inability to ask for help.
If you linger for a long time in conditions that are uncomfortable for you, be it relationships, work, friendships - all this is a symptom that you do not value yourself. I just want to add: “Doctor, is this treatable?” Yes, it can be treated.
Should you make a list of your strengths and weaknesses to determine your self-worth?
It is worth compiling a list of your strengths and weaknesses during a personal analysis, but in addition to this, it is also worth supplementing all this with a list of opportunities. And also a list of what is not yet available and what is worth working with. All these lists are worth making if you intend to change for the better and need to understand what exactly went wrong.
And you can determine the state of your self-esteem without lists - everything is much simpler.
Look around - are you satisfied with your life? Everything is fine? If yes, everything is fine with your self-esteem, since this is the foundation on which we build the building. If, looking around, you realize that something has gone wrong, and the building of life is skewed, it’s time to repair the foundation, that is, self-esteem.
Does being in a relationship affect self-esteem?
I would like to say “yes”, but this is not true. An illusion is created - “since I am in a relationship, that means I am a good woman.” And, of course, many women believe that if they are in a relationship, their self-esteem will increase and she will immediately love herself. Perhaps temporarily - yes. But the result will be short-term, until the first conflict.
And the saddest thing is that when entering into a relationship, in the hope of increasing your self-esteem, you will always be accompanied by fear: losing a partner, being unloved, fear of betrayal, betrayal and loneliness. This means that the relationship will not bring the desired result, but will only worsen the situation with self-esteem.
Is being strict with yourself a benefit or a detriment?
You just need to stop criticizing yourself. Consciously. Monitor your thoughts and, having caught by the tail the very thought that contains criticism, change your mind, replace it with a new one, approving yourself. “I look bad” is replaced with “I’m beautiful.” And even if you don’t believe it now, over time it will change. It's that simple.
Criticizing yourself is simply a bad habit that needs to be eradicated through conscious effort.
And introduce a new habit to counter it: to approve and support yourself. As for strictness, I don’t think it has a positive effect on self-esteem. Severity is about punishment, and only bad boys and girls are punished. But self-discipline is a necessary and useful thing. This is not about strictness, but about the ability to organize yourself, your thoughts, feelings and actions. And without self-discipline you can hardly achieve results.
Name three common mistakes people with low self-esteem make.
Firstly, endure and come to terms with what does not suit you and causes pain. Secondly, do not believe in yourself and your strengths. And thirdly, focus on the opinions of others.
What does high self-esteem give a girl?
Consistently positive self-esteem gives a girl everything, from the opportunity to build a happy relationship to the ability to monetize her talent for cross-stitching.
Positive self-esteem is the basis, the foundation of life. If we value ourselves, we do not waste our time on something that does not suit us. We just know that we deserve what we want and we go for it. The option “what is simpler” simply does not arise, even in thoughts.
And, by the way, almost any client’s request, be it self-realization and relationships with parents or with a man, one way or another, will lead to the question of self-worth.
High self-esteem and arrogance - what is the difference between these concepts?
Arrogance is the flip side of lacking a sense of self-worth. This is an attempt to compensate for one’s fragile self-esteem through arrogance: “Look, I’m better than you! I am special!"
But in reality, there is always self-doubt and fear inside. A person with a consistently positive self-esteem does not need to put himself above others in order to prove something to someone. He already knows that everything is fine with him. And the most amazing thing is that he doesn’t want to become better than he is. It's good for him to be himself.
Maria Brazgovskaya (@marybrazgovska)
Psychologist
Does low self-esteem come from childhood?
This is true, but people often confuse self-esteem with sense of self. Self-awareness is actually much more important. Self-esteem is a category where we are evaluated through the eyes of others - including parents. But it also happens that a woman merges with her partner, he becomes a god on a pedestal, descended from Olympus. And then his assessment is more important.
But for me, from the point of view of therapy, not only the evaluation criterion, this ruler that you apply to yourself and everyone around you, is important, but also the category of self-feeling, because if it is okay, then you can do without this ruler. When you don’t confuse “I feel bad” with “I’m bad,” then life becomes much easier.
What are the main mistakes made by parents whose children grow up with low self-esteem?
It is impossible to single out a specific list of mistakes, because people can grow up in the same family with very different indicators of their vital stability. Why is this happening? Probably because we are not born white leaves. A person will definitely be affected by the demands of parents, when parents shift their ambitions to their children, when you have to realize your parental potential and constantly jump up and down, whispering, so that your parents notice you.
It is wrong for children to glue a couple of adults together. There are many problems in the parental couple, and the children begin to “glue” mom and dad together so that they are together. Then the child is out of place, busy not with his childhood life, but with adult responsibility, he, naturally, cannot cope with this, and a huge tangle of various mental problems appears.
Should you accept your shortcomings or try to correct them?
Sometimes you need to notice your shortcomings first. And notice it not as a problem, but as some kind of difficulty. There is a huge amount of energy in each complex and it is intended for growth. A person who is unable or anxious to speak in public can become a brilliant speaker. Much better than someone who has had this predisposition since childhood.
To begin with, you need to notice the shortcomings as an attentive, affectionate observer, without evaluation or self-deprecation, and then try to improve something, correct something.
Another thing is that you don’t need to build illusions about some kind of ideality. When we correct shortcomings with the bitterness of “they won’t accept me, they won’t love me because I’m imperfect,” then this work is doomed to failure. When we do it out of love for ourselves and want the talents within us to blossom like seeds and that harvest to be beautiful, then we do it with care.
Name three simple techniques that will help you value yourself more.
Treat yourself the way a caring mother would treat you, even if you never had this caring mother or father. Value your life regardless of others. An adult is capable of self-support, even if his loved ones did not support him in some way. Perceive your body with pleasure, enjoy it, as if it were the body of your loved one or child. Each time, be amazed at how wonderfully you are made. If you leave the house and smile with all your heart, even your liver, then somehow life reads differently.
Can self-care improve self-esteem or does it have nothing to do with appearance?
Self-care can boost self-esteem. We act in two ways: we can work with our inner world and with our outer world. Both ways have their pros and cons. Of course, when we take care of ourselves and do it without anger, without the expectation that only those around me will love me so beautiful, and we do it out of love, then yes, this love begins to fit within us.
What is the difference between male and female self-esteem?
There are no such concepts as “male self-esteem” and “female self-esteem”. But men are indeed more likely than women to be outward-oriented and achievement-oriented - this is due to the patriarchal nature of the country. They describe their life in terms of achievements, while most women describe it in terms of whether they are loved and by what kind of man they are loved.
These “maps” are often confused, and now there are a lot of women who are just as successful as men (or even more successful), and they are also career-oriented. And their successes or failures also affect their self-esteem.
Why is low self-esteem more common in women than in men?
I would rather say that women more often come to the therapist’s couch, which is why this impression is formed. Men are simply better at camouflage and camouflage. There are a huge number of narcissists among men, and they perfectly hide their narcissistic defects behind a “poker face.” Therefore, it cannot be said that they do not have problems with self-esteem.
No one has ever cried more in my office than successful, rich and beautiful men.
And they cry in the same way about love, about their failures, about their parents, about the loss of meaning - when you earned all the money you once dreamed of, but still don’t feel happy. These are very vulnerable men. And it's actually wonderful when we think of men as men with a capital M, who have a heart, and not as tin lumberers.
Can other people influence our self-esteem and what should we do about it?
Yes, our self-esteem and sense of self are influenced by other people. If their words hurt you, you need to work with your sense of self. Of course, we break some contacts that are harmful to us, but we cannot break some. And if you stretch your sense of self, you won't care if your mom says you disappointed her because you haven't given birth to grandchildren yet, or if your dad tells you you disappointed him because not yet married, and even if your girlfriends look at you askance and your, for example, boyfriend said some nonsense, like he likes size 5 breasts, and you immediately began to compare them with your C size.
So, if your sense of self does not improve, there is absolutely no need to cut off these connections. We work in two directions: if we are influenced by the words of loved ones, then we just need to filter what they tell us - this is their picture of the world. But there are people who deliberately harm us. Maybe, like Bulgakov, not because they are evil, but because they are unhappy. We don’t necessarily have to keep them in our space.
Men like women with slightly low self-esteem - is this true or a myth?
It's a myth - men like different women, women like different men.
There is simply a category of men for whom it is easier to withstand women with low self-esteem, because such people begin to look into their mouths in every possible way.
This is probably a question of choice: do you love a man and are you with him because he sees you as an equal partner, or do you want a man who would like you to endlessly stroke his ego? This works for some women. The main thing is that everyone is happy.
Does self-hypnosis help improve self-esteem or will it not be enough?
Personally, I don't believe in this. Working with self-esteem is a huge complex of different activities, and not a button that was pressed and everything became different. This is the creation of a completely different reality around you. It's about finding your ability to act and not just dream. This is absolutely a reformatting of some previous connections and what is called the remythologization of previous experience - when we pay attention to our past and can interpret it, introduce new meanings that no longer hurt us.
This is working with our shame and healing from it, because when we constantly blame and shame ourselves, we punish ourselves. And the one who is punished is humiliated. This includes looking at how much of a perfectionist you are, because this is a stick with which you can beat yourself and those around you; endless attempts to jump up to a very raised bar. They also don’t give you the feeling that everything is okay. Then you need to look for this balance, when on the one hand you raise the bar, but on the other hand you enjoy the process itself, that you are jumping.
This is definitely an appeal to myself: when I look at my life, I accept my past, I am better than yesterday. When I rejoice not only at success, but also at the fact that I got something out of myself. When I interpret my experience. There is a big difference between “I am a failure” and “I have failed three times.” There is a lot to it, and hypnotic self-persuasion partly lifts your vitality, but it is just one of the tools.
Irina Belousova (@belousova_psychology)
Psychotherapist, psychologist
Can the problem of excess weight be called a consequence of low self-esteem?
Excess weight cannot be called a direct consequence of low self-esteem, since these two phenomena can exist separately from each other. However, in most cases there is a connection: overweight people have traumatic experiences. These are children of parents who are suppressive and have no respect for the younger generation. Or the personality was suppressed in a traumatic love relationship.
Excess weight is a practically learned desire to present one’s self, protect boundaries, and attract kind attention to oneself that has “gone” to the physical level.
And at the same time avoid intimacy, since it can be destructive. People unconsciously resort to such methods when they have internalized attitudes prohibiting the manifestation of their will. It is necessary to work with a psychologist in the direction of “growing” the personality and gaining psychological autonomy. Otherwise, your weight will never become consistently healthy.
What is the connection between a healthy lifestyle and high self-esteem?
High self-esteem may not always be adequate. But there is a connection with healthy self-esteem, and it is mediated by the level of maturity of the individual.
Firstly, people who value and love themselves wish themselves all the best. Secondly, healthy self-esteem is an indicator of personality maturity. A sufficiently mature person knows how not only to desire, but also to do something for himself so that he gets what he wants. Even if it is sometimes difficult and lazy. For example, playing sports to be healthy. Thirdly, self-love is not only about “taking the best”, it is also about giving up what is harmful in the long term. This is a deep motivation, with the acquisition of which it becomes easy to follow exactly the lifestyle that meets the needs of the moment.
Name three main helpful phrases for increasing self-esteem.
1) I am, and can be in this world. The world around us also exists, and this too can be as it is.
2) All my feelings, sensations, aspirations, desires, values are real, this is my open response to such a different life. I have the right to be myself.
3) And all this is well arranged and full of meaning.
These phrases seem strange at first glance. However, they correspond to very subtle and important spiritual aspects of life, without the mental assimilation of which a person cannot have healthy self-esteem.
Is it important to step out of your comfort zone and will it help improve your self-esteem?
Not as important as it is inevitable. If there is no growth, then there is degradation, this is how a person works. Any growth comes through getting rid of the old and encountering the new. And new things are often painful until they “grow into” experience. If you want growth for yourself, expansion of your personality - in any of the aspects (physical, spiritual, psychological, social), then you yourself will look for your new one, so that you can first encounter it and then learn it. There is a certain interest in life as in the process.
And yes, when you see how well you have grown, comparing yourself a year ago and yourself today, you are happy for yourself and affirm your good attitude towards yourself. That is, your self-esteem grows and strengthens.
Name three signs of a person's good and healthy self-esteem.
1) The absence of painful experiences and envy both when comparing oneself with others, and when receiving any assessments from the outside;
2) The ability to say “no” if it’s not useful or you don’t want to;
3) The ability to be yourself without excessive desire for admiring responses from others to the manifestations of your person, that is, confirmation of your value from the outside.
Can perfectionism be considered a sign of low self-esteem?
There's definitely a connection. The constant desire for perfection, which remains unattainable, stems from a program once learned (most often in relationships with parents or in love relationships): “you’re okay, if only you’re the best.” And it entails a constant feeling of dissatisfaction with life, because there is no that same feeling of “I’m okay,” and being on top is not always about life. It turns out to be a vicious circle, from which it is difficult to break out if you do not slow down in the eternal pursuit of the ideal result. Calmness is born at the point “I am, and I can be like this in this world.” As you can see, there is no smell of crazy effectiveness in this calm affirmation of life.
How does not knowing how to say the word “no” harm us?
The inability to say “no” is about the inability to protect your boundaries. And as a rule, this is associated with low self-esteem. The more often you do what you don't want (or allow others to do what you don't want), the more often your boundaries are violated. In fact, this is somewhere close to a betrayal of oneself, one’s values, aspirations, a violation of one’s own space by oneself. Of course, deep down, a person begins to have a negative attitude towards himself.
How to not give in to a bad mood and ignore negative thoughts?
It won’t be possible to not convert at all (and why alienate what is there – and what do you feel?), but you need to be able to switch and give up what you don’t need and are not useful. What good will happen if you rub your brain into dust because of, say, a poorly done haircut? This, of course, is frustrating, the question is how much and for how long?
Your bad mood will not lead to any real action, since becoming “offended” is a child’s position, not an adult’s. It will entail an adequate desire to change the situation and somehow correct the unsuccessful result. And this is about composure, not about frustration. In addition, a negative attitude and being stuck in the past leads to a disconnection from reality. Longing and sadness drag on, and you stop seeing the good things that are happening around you here and now. Do you need it?
How to properly accept praise and is it important to praise yourself?
Joyfully and playfully accept! And stop hanging on thoughts like “they need something from me, since they praise me.” If necessary, they will ask directly. And if they don’t know how to ask directly, don’t take extra responsibility for someone else’s inability. Why additional worries? And “no, no, I’m not that good, I’m not worth such words...” - this is also a parasitic thought that has to do with your perception of yourself, and not with the opinions of others. Or maybe, deep down in your soul, you feel the fear of being wonderful, good?
Track where you “caught” your obsessive thoughts that do not allow you to accept positive assessments from others. This is called “introjects”, and this is the basis for working with a psychologist.
Of course, it is important to praise yourself. In this case, you play for yourself the role of that very good mother, on whom the formation of stable self-esteem in the child depends and who, with kindness and acceptance, notes the good and encourages more than she criticizes and devalues.
I often give clients the “I’m smart” technique: every day write a list of 10 phrases that begin with the words “I’m smart because...” - and then continue by writing something for which you are ready to sincerely praise yourself and rejoice at your success. Even if it’s a very small one. The technique must be tested the first time to show the client the cognitive distortions that most people working on self-esteem make.
Is it necessary to resort to training to improve self-esteem?
This will speed up the process, but you need to understand that most short trainings work with the behavioral component of self-worth (a person is taught an algorithm of actions in typical social situations so that his behavior corresponds to the standard course of action of a person with a sufficiently high self-esteem).
Working with self-image, self-acceptance, self-esteem and self-love is a deeper task that takes time and commitment. For those who really need to be at peace with themselves, and not create an illusion, I recommend not stopping at the training or at least watching how long the training lasts. For example, my courses, designed for deep and serious work, last at least a month each. Text: Anastasia Speranskaya
Personality assessment versus self-worth
A child is born with self-worth, loving himself and the world. Psychologists know this from experiences of immersing clients in a trance, hypnotic or other altered state of consciousness, in which they were able to recall very early memories. All people describe the first years of their lives (from birth to about three years old) as incredibly beautiful and wonderful, when they felt true endless love within themselves and around them.
True, priceless love is very rare... Even though people say to each other: “I love you! Thank you for existing!”, they expect from their loved ones that they will meet their ideal, requirements, requests, that they will prove in words and deeds that they are worthy of love and love.
No one is ready to love a person just because he is who he is. Sooner or later, the “highlights” in someone else begin to irritate and the “cockroaches in the head” begin to make them angry.
The need to prove and achieve love and respect is, in fact, a habit formed in childhood. The child quickly understands the connection between the assessment “You are good!” and love: “When mom says I’m good, she loves me!”
And when does a mother give her child the ratings “good”, “best”, “dear”, “darling”? When a child obeys her unquestioningly, fulfills all demands and requests without complaint. It is very rare when mothers say that they love their children just like that, regardless of what they do, they say how they behave, what they look like, what grades they give in their diaries, and so on.
Here are three erroneous stereotypes:
- Worth and self-worth must be earned.
- They love the one who is the best; someone who is good-looking, smart, talented, rich, and so on.
- Being yourself, individual and unique is dangerous. After all, in order for someone to love, you need to conform, adapt to the expectations of this person (mom, dad, wife/husband, boss, etc.) and, in general, to the requirements of society!
Self-identity block: “I” is “I”
Why does the search for an answer to the question “Who am I” usually last for many years? Because of our strong identification of ourselves with the image that the mind has created. The destruction of these ideas is a shaking of the foundation on which we stand, the death of what we consider ourselves to be. And to prevent this from happening, we are tightly locked into a trap - supposedly protection: we identify ourselves with the assessments that our mind gives.
This is how the mechanism of the false “I” is born
- the ego,
which keeps us in the 3-dimensional mental world. This is the separation of oneself from the Creator, the perception of Life as a battle for survival, the fear of not having something, and having acquired something, of losing it; a struggle of extremes, all kinds of confrontations.
All this strengthens the ego in the “I” block.
And so we are designed that every second consciousness turns off for a moment in order to confirm that I am me, this subject,
it is the body and self-image. And on this self-identity, on this something taken for granted, a huge amount of psychological effort and energy is spent.
Functions
The ability for self-esteem and the need to evaluate one’s qualities is inherent in human nature. The absence of this ability makes it difficult to exist in society and makes it impossible to adequately perceive the world and oneself in this world.
The following main functions of self-esteem can be identified:
regulatory protective reflective developmental emotional
The regulatory function helps to make a decision, to make a choice. With the help of this function, a person decides how to behave in a given situation - to do or not to do, to agree or refuse.
The protective function is characteristic of adequate and inflated self-esteem. In case of failure or unforeseen circumstances, it allows you to survive the situation without serious losses, does not allow you to give up and lose faith in yourself. This function does not work for people with low self-esteem.
The reflective function reflects a person’s attitude towards himself. It realistically shows how an individual relates to his actions and promotes an adequate assessment of his own actions.
The developmental function does not allow you to stop there. It stimulates constant self-development, personal growth, and encourages the idea of the need to acquire new knowledge and skills.
Emotional function occupies a special place. It is she who is responsible for the degree of satisfaction with her own qualities, allows her to feel adequate and comfortable.
In addition to those listed, some other functions of self-esteem can be identified - adaptive, helping to adapt to external circumstances; corrective, performing control functions in the process of life; terminal, forcing you to stop actions if they develop undesirably, and some others.
