Dependence on other people's opinions often becomes a barrier to personal and professional development. For example, you want to launch your own project, change career, move to another city, but you are afraid of negative evaluation from the outside and, as a result, put off your dream. And perhaps you don’t return to it at all. This fear of “not being approved” is associated with low levels of self-esteem and self-confidence. But how to get rid of this addiction and learn to analyze yourself effectively? We answer this question by understanding the phenomenon of social approval.
How to become less dependent on the opinions of others
Create your own philosophy
Michael Gervais, Ph.D., a psychologist who works with Olympians, celebrities, and Fortune 100 CEOs, suggests in his Harvard Business Review column that you create a personal philosophy by asking yourself the following questions:
- When I'm at my best, how do I think about myself? What beliefs are hidden behind my thoughts and actions?
- What motivates me from within?
- What kind of people demonstrate inspiring qualities? Which ones match mine?
- What are your favorite quotes?
After you answer these questions, circle the words and phrases that inspire you. Once you've explored what's left, try to come up with a phrase or sentence that exactly matches who you are and how you want to live.
Make a list of your achievements
Through reflection, you can analyze your experiences and use them for good. In the context of developing healthy self-esteem, you can make a list of your own achievements. Think about what you have already achieved and what efforts have been put into it, determine in which areas you achieve the best results. Remember all the projects you worked on (even if you participated in them partially), all the additional responsibilities. Important: provide specific examples.
Answer the following questions:
- What projects at work can be considered successful?
- What helped in the implementation of projects and the successful completion of certain tasks?
- In what cases did I cope despite external circumstances?
- What qualities helped me achieve this?
- What personal achievements can I highlight?
- Why did I overcome difficult life situations?
- What am I grateful to myself for?
Caroline Foren suggests listing the five things you value most. “When you're done, write down your own new definition of success—or at least what you'd like it to be. Is it still associated with external manifestations - money, fashionable clothes, etc.? Or is success still a feeling of satisfaction, restful sleep and self-satisfaction?”
- writes Foren.
Listen to yourself more often
An honest answer to the question “What do I want?” becomes the starting point in personal and professional development. A clear understanding of your desires and needs allows you to build a development trajectory, follow it and adjust if your desires have changed.
Analyze criticism
When you receive negative feedback, there are several options for action: get upset and stop, be offended and continue, analyze and find a point of growth. Of course, criticism is not always constructive. But first you need to recognize this, abstracting from emotions. Think: what arguments does this or that person give in defense of his opinion? Why does he express it at all? What is the goal? Do his ideas correspond to reality? If the criticism is constructive, identify the identified shortcomings and make a plan to work on them.
Think about the consequences of negative external evaluation
“Our actions rarely affect others as much as we think, but fear of other people’s opinions affects us enormously,” writes Caroline Foren. She encourages you to think about what will happen if you receive negative feedback from others. How exactly will this affect what you do? How will this affect your life? In fact, nothing devastating will happen. If you don't do something harmful or something that violates generally accepted moral standards, you most likely won't become a social outcast (if that's your worst-case scenario).
Be honest with yourself and live in the present.
It's up to you how you feel every day. Do you want to experience constant fear and anxiety from the thought that society will not approve of your action? Stop thinking about it. Don't worry about whether someone has reprimanded you in the past or that people will think badly of you. Live here and now and don't look around. Breathe deeply and do not forget that only you are responsible for your thoughts and actions. This is the only way you can be happy. Only in this way will you understand that every person has their own opinion and only you can choose whether it will affect you or not.
People don't pay attention to you as often as you think
The people around you, for the most part, are passionate about their own affairs and concerns. They have their own life, which worries them much more than yours. If your interests and views intersect in some area, then this does not happen as often as you think. Just think, do you often pay attention to what those around you are wearing? Is their shirt dirty? Did a girl passing by have a puff on her tights? I'm willing to bet that you either don't think about it at all or spend no more than a couple of minutes on it. So those around you do the same.
It shouldn't worry you
What others think about you is their business. This should not concern you in any way. Even if you find out someone else's opinion about yourself, it still will not make you a different person and will not change your life, in most cases. The opinions of others can influence you only when you allow this opinion to become decisive in your life. But this shouldn’t happen. You can't control the opinions of others, so don't pay so much attention to them and focus on yourself.
Afterword
A dependent person does not know himself. In this, adults but dependent people are similar to preschoolers. Those who have not yet developed self-esteem, they draw conclusions about themselves based on the assessments and judgments of others. So you still look at the words of others as your mirror reflection.
It's time to grow up. To do this, you need to do a lot of self-knowledge. Study your temperament, character, abilities. Make it a rule to analyze whose judgments control you: personal or familiar people. Work on your personal boundaries.
To work through psychological trauma and eliminate post-traumatic syndrome, I recommend contacting a psychotherapist.
Is someone else's opinion always bad?
No not always. The ability to always adhere to one’s own point of view is important, but it should not become an end in itself. An integrated, mature person can be flexible and has a good understanding of which opinions are worth listening to and which are worth ignoring.
It is important to be able to hear and analyze the opinions of people who are authorities. If their words contain a rational grain that can be used to benefit yourself, it makes sense to listen to them.
If the opinion of others is a reaction provoked by their own psychological problems (condemnation, devaluation, critical comments that were not asked for, advice without a request are expressed), then you should not pay attention to them.
