LifeChecklist: 5 signs that you are manipulating people

Who is a manipulator

A manipulator is a person who has the ability to secretly influence the consciousness and opinions of others, who knows how to impose his own point of view on them and persuade them to make certain decisions. As a rule, a manipulator does not enter into open conflict and does not directly declare his intentions. But he in every possible way pushes every person who has been exposed to his influence to take actions that are beneficial to himself. Moreover, his methods of influence range from unobtrusive manipulation to powerful psychological violence.

It is important to consider that the most defenseless against manipulators are their loved ones, since it is difficult to influence a stranger. A loved one trusts and continues to trust, even when he detects attempts at manipulation. Usually these are loved ones and relatives who find it difficult to show dissatisfaction to their faces. Parents can manipulate their children, and spoiled children can manipulate their parents. Husbands and wives often ruthlessly suppress the will of their “halves”, not realizing the destructive impact of their own actions.

Manipulators do not always pursue practical goals. Sometimes they simply seek to assert themselves at the expense of their loved ones - those who trust them immensely and allow themselves to be manipulated to the last. Their behavior resembles parasitism - they exhaust a person morally and experience a surge of strength when they see that they manage to dominate and dominate a person. The only salvation for the victim is to recognize “toxic” behavior in time and learn to resist it.

Types

Everett Shostrom (American psychologist and psychotherapist) in his book “Anti-Carnegie, or the Manipulative Man” in 1992 presented a capacious description of this type of personality. Since then, the classification he proposed has been actively used in psychology.

Dictator/abbot/boss/superior

Dominants of behavior - controls, orders, subordinates. Does not recognize authorities other than himself. Makes you unquestioningly bow to him. He tends to exaggerate his own importance and strength. These are people with high self-esteem. Examples from history: Benito Mussolini, Joseph Stalin, Adolf Hitler.

Wimp / weakling / chameleon / fool / conformist

The opposite of a Dictator. His main weapon is excessive sensitivity, pleasing, flattery, passive silence. But all this is only external. Those around him underestimate him, pity him and fall for the bait, fulfilling all his desires, because they consider him weak and are trying to protect him. In fact, he simply knows how to use situations to his advantage.

Calculator / swindler / blackmailer / gambler / businessman

His methods are deception, lies, cunning. He scams people out of money, robs people like nothing, and disappears. Likes to keep the entire manipulation process under control, calculates everything in advance. Without benefit, he does not make contacts. Independent, lone wolf, does not have a permanent place of residence. Often he has problems with the Law. Examples from history: Victor Lustig (sold the Eiffel Tower), Frank Abagnale (robber and swindler), Mary Baker (impostor princess).

Clingy / parasite / dependent / whiner / hypochondriac / eternal child

The opposite of Calculator. He shows off his addiction too much. A driven personality who forces the victim to do everything for him, explaining that he is supposedly incapable of independence.

Bully / saw / hater / insulter

Manipulates with aggression and cruelty. He often uses physical force, since he does not know other methods of self-affirmation. He sees only the bad in those around him.

Nice guy/moralist/well-wisher

The opposite of a Bully. His task is to first disarm everyone with his kindness, care and love, and then they will not refuse him anything, because he is so nice. However, his goals are always selfish and he rarely thinks about others.

Judge / accuser / appraiser / avenger

His weapons are criticism, distrust, doubt. He is constantly dissatisfied, indignant, angry, because those around him break the rules (not necessarily public ones, he often sets them himself). It is he who will rummage through the victim’s pockets and phone, trying to prove that he was deceived. He clings to every little thing and doesn’t listen to excuses at all. He forgives rarely and with great difficulty.

Protector/comforter/student/helper/mother hen

The opposite of Judge. At first meeting, he seems to be an extremely positive person: supportive, comforting, protective. However, all this is nothing more than a weapon of psychological manipulation. In these ways, he convinces the victim that everyone around is unfair and offends her, only he understands and feels sorry. Sympathy beyond measure deprives one of independence, and this gives complete control over a person.

In psychotherapy, advanced cases of manipulators are serious diagnoses that require long-term work. The most commonly diagnosed personality disorders are:

• narcissistic;
• borderline;
• anxious;
• dependent;
• hysterical;
• passive-aggressive;
• dissocial.

As well as Machiavellianism, nervousness and psychological addiction.

How do people become manipulators?

Typically, a person who is inclined to manipulate loved ones considers himself a victim. He may blame a difficult childhood, circumstances or loved ones who “pushed” him. In reality, a manipulator is almost always driven by selfishness and a suppressed sense of self-superiority. As a rule, he is physically weak, could not realize himself in the profession or obtain the desired social status, therefore he uses deceit and cunning to assert himself.

It should be understood that such a person does not always realize how wrong he is doing. He treats close people extremely selfishly, but he himself is sure that he loves and appreciates them. It is not common for him to think about other people’s feelings, so he treats every dear person as an inanimate object that exists only for him. He does not value his close people, but he desperately needs them. And the longer others allow others to do this to themselves, the stronger the desire to manipulate becomes.

Target of manipulation

The manipulator plays on desires and needs, feelings of guilt, fear and envy, beliefs and stereotypes. The area of ​​its influence is called the target of manipulation.

One of the popular methods of manipulation: appeal to feelings of guilt. It is based on the fear of punishment and often becomes a target of manipulation in people who are prone to blaming themselves. The manipulator's script is based on the victim's fear of offending him, so the victim needs to turn off this fear. First, it’s worth thinking about the origins of the feeling of guilt: did it appear on its own or was it imposed?

Such manipulation is dangerous for the victim’s health: constant self-flagellation often becomes the cause of apathy. Sometimes the best way to counteract is to move away from the manipulator.

How to recognize a manipulator?

There are quite a lot of signs that make it possible to identify intentional or involuntary manipulations on the part of a loved one. Keep in mind that certain features of manipulative behavior are characteristic of almost all people. Therefore, conclusions should be drawn only by identifying at least a few characteristic behavioral features from the given list.

Main signs of manipulative behavior:

• tendency to shift responsibility to others;
• a sharp reaction to criticism addressed to oneself;
• denial of one's own mistakes, even when they are obvious;
• criticism of others, doubts about their competence and abilities;
• tendency to discuss and criticize people;
• forcing relationships (a person quickly gains trust, demonstrates friendship and strives to fill all the space);
• the desire to use acquaintances, getting maximum benefit from them;
• pathological self-confidence;
• the desire to show one’s superiority in communication;
• demonstrative flattery, treats and gifts in order to demonstrate good intentions and friendliness;
• pressure through guilt, oppressing the victim;
• maintaining tension in communication (any little thing can provoke a conflict in which the manipulator will present himself as a victim).

A characteristic feature of people prone to manipulation is that they try to make the most of all social connections. As soon as they meet a new person, they try to find out what he can help with. Having admitted who you work for, you will immediately hear in response, “But I just need...”.

Another interesting feature of manipulators is that they like to convey requests through acquaintances. This trick fetters people's will, makes them feel awkward and take on unwanted obligations.

The signs listed above can only be considered after a long acquaintance. But there are also a number of characteristic behavioral features that are noticeable already at the first meeting with the manipulator:

• he makes a good impression, seems almost perfect;
• looks good, well-groomed and neat;
• friendly, smiling and welcoming;
• speaks beautifully, gives compliments without being shy about flattery;
• looks confidently into the eyes;
• dresses in a classic style, does not stand out in the crowd;
• quickly violates personal space: comes close, takes your hand, touches your shoulder, can come closer and whisper something in your ear.

The last point reveals the manipulator most clearly. He never thinks about how comfortable the people around him are, so he unceremoniously “bursts” into the personal zone of people he barely knows. If a person remains silent and does not demonstrate rejection of such behavior, it will be easy to manipulate him.

An example of manager manipulation

Life has shown that not only management manipulates its subordinates, but vice versa. In such cases, employees who have engaged in foul play want to gain preferential treatment to the detriment of their boss, their co-workers, and the job itself.

Psychologists call the most popular type of manipulation by a leader “a monkey on the neck.” Here the monkey is the subordinate. Here's how it happens. The employee says to his boss: “You gave me the task of finding a concrete mixer. I found them in several places (lists where). But I need to respect the chain of command; I can’t contact them myself. Could you say a few words of authority? I’ll give you the number of their leader.”

The boss, touched by respect, agrees: “Okay, dial it.” Usually in these situations, a single call is not enough: either there is no person in charge (decision maker), or the company offers counter conditions. “Okay, go, I’ll talk myself,” the patron softens.

The next day, the subordinate comes into the office again to ask in a pleading voice: “Well, have you agreed on the mixer?” The boss is busy and waves his hand in response: “Go to work, I’ll arrange it myself.” A few hours later the employee asks for the result again, and this continues throughout the day. It turns out that the boss and the specialist change places: the manager carries out the assignment, the employee controls his work.

Another similar manipulation of people at work is “I want to ask you for advice.” There are people who do not feed bread, let them consult with management. They manipulate the boss’s vanity, trying to delegate to him responsibility for completing the task and their decision. And it’s very reasonable. If a mistake is made, you can always blame it on the boss’s consultation and say: “I did what you decided.”

How to fight back a manipulator: 7 ways

The simplest and most effective way to avoid harmful influences is to completely refuse to communicate with the manipulator. Unfortunately, in life this usually turns out to be a loved one, so this approach is not applicable. The only acceptable option is to build the right relationship by making him respect your feelings and give up “toxic” communication habits. The 7 methods listed below will help with this.

1. Direct refusal
   . This method is the most effective, especially if the manipulator is not a dear person to you. Firmly and confidently answer “No!” to any requests and persuasion. Don’t make excuses, don’t explain yourself, just politely and unequivocally refuse. If you complete this task at least three times, the manipulator will loosen its grip. In the future, your communication may cool down significantly or remain friendly, but he will stop trying to manipulate you.
2. Autoresponder
   . This is a rather harsh approach, often used by parents in relation to capricious children. You are directly demonstrating that you have identified the manipulation and are refusing to give in to it. No matter how the manipulator argues the request, you answer with one phrase every time. The answer you select should be clear, concise, and calm.
3. Agreement
   . This approach can be applied to people who criticize your decisions. You simply agree with them, looking bored. In this case, you can continue to move in the chosen direction or abandon it, depending on the circumstances. For example, if a manipulative boss criticizes your initiative, you can refuse it with a clear conscience.
4. Ignoring
   . If the manipulator is not an important person for you, you can behave unceremoniously - simply refuse to communicate. In the future, you can take measures to limit interaction and cross paths with this person less often.
5. Misunderstanding
   . The goal of a manipulator is to influence the victim with minimal effort. If his words and actions do not cause a strong reaction, he himself begins to experience discomfort. By feigning misunderstanding, you can literally change places with him. Just calmly ask the person to explain his idea in more detail, and after the explanation, continue to feign misunderstanding. Pretty soon he will understand that attempts at manipulation cost him dearly.
6. Translation of the topic
   . If you sense an attempt to manipulate yourself, start a conversation on a different topic. Answer any of your interlocutor’s remarks with your own questions or unhurried reasoning on the chosen topic.
7. Exposure
   . This is the toughest approach, which should be used only if the previous ones did not help. It is enough to simply tell the person that he is trying to manipulate you, and you are not happy with that. You may need to justify your idea. Keep in mind that this will be very offensive for a loved one, since he may have resorted to manipulation unconsciously.

Definition of the concept

Wikipedia defines psychological manipulation as a type of social influence aimed at changing the perceptions or behavior of others through covert, deceptive, or coercive tactics to further the interests of the manipulator.

In simple words, manipulation is the use of various psychological methods and techniques with the help of which the manipulator, to suit his own goals, forces his victim to react or act in one way or another.

The ulterior motive of manipulators is usually the desire to gain power and control over other people. Manipulators know very well which “buttons” of their victim they need to successfully press. Such vulnerabilities include:

• passion for pleasure;
• the desire to be liked and to gain the approval of others;
• low self-esteem;
• inability to protect one's personal boundaries;
• emotional dependence on the manipulator;
• excessive gullibility and altruism;
• impressionability;
• immaturity;
• impulsiveness in decision making;
• greed, etc.

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The likelihood of successful manipulation increases in the following cases:

• if the manipulator is more authoritative in status, for example, your boss;
• when the victim is in a state of illness, emotional decline, the level of vigilance decreases;
• the manipulator skillfully masters the appropriate techniques and methods;
• the victim has parameters favorable to the manipulator, for example: retirement age, career failure, unfulfilled personal life, loneliness, etc.