When a person is dissatisfied with everything and criticizes everything, what does this mean?

Criticism in people's lives is one of its integral components. We criticize ourselves (self-criticism), we like to criticize others (protecting pride or showing influence), but we do not always do it correctly. There is positive criticism, which one should learn to perceive adequately to reality, as well as negative criticism, prompted by anger, envy, and other negative emotions experienced by a particular person. The psychology of criticism is a controversial area of ​​general psychology. She deserves special attention. The publication discusses ways to deal with criticism and tips on how to respond to it. And not only.

Loss of valuables

Sometimes we think we know how to behave in a given situation, but suddenly something happens that completely unsettles us, and as a result we do the wrong thing.

For example, imagine a situation where a colleague comes to you for professional help. In this situation, you gain a choice (you agree to help him), you are pleased that he chose you and want to be useful (involvement) and you get the opportunity to share your knowledge (competence).

But if suddenly the situation becomes more complicated or begins to develop not according to plan, for example, a colleague changes his mind about using your services, then all three motivation factors will suffer greatly. In such a situation, it is quite difficult to maintain your own motivation.

We are one

People are interconnected. Every person is part of some system. There are no divisions. What you do for other people, you do for yourself and for the planet. What affects one person truly affects us all. We can change this world. Every person is important, and everyone has the power to make the lives of all of us better and more perfect.

Calendar, peasant signs, phenology: 3 different starting points for the beginning of spring

Natural shade with beautiful tints: dye your hair brown

The Perspective of Acceptance: How a Photo Important to Humanity Changes Thinking

Let's focus on this energy that we want to spread, rather than on negative emotions. Otherwise, it will have a bad impact on our world.

The habit of criticizing - where does the negative perception of the world come from?

There are many reasons that prompt us to look for flaws in everything that surrounds us.

Dissatisfaction with one's own life. Each of us has dreams and desires, but some can realize them, while others cannot. Sometimes established stereotypes get in the way, and we refuse to implement our plans, and then, when we learn that someone else was able to do what we refused, we attack this person with criticism. Very often this happens out of envy (even unconsciously) - wow, I couldn’t do it, but she did it!

Fear. Often the most ardent critics are those who are afraid of this very criticism. This also happens unconsciously - you feel irritated only because this person has qualities that you would like to get rid of.

Family problems. The child adopts the behavior of his parents. If mom is constantly dissatisfied with something, and dad always criticizes everyone, then the child will see only negative things in life.

Disappointment in life. Very often, when we reflect on what was successful and what was not in life, it turns out that many goals were never achieved. Disappointment sets in and we begin to meticulously examine those around us, trying to prove to ourselves that many things in life have not worked out for others.

Psychology of self-centered people

When you make derogatory remarks about others, the people in the room know exactly who you are really talking about... It's yourself!

When a person lashes out at another, it is a manifestation of a defense mechanism. This behavior indicates that the “aggressor” has serious problems. A person is tormented by emotions and feelings that he tries to cope with, but cannot. All this has nothing to do with what is being criticized. This behavior is a manifestation of insecurity. A person wants to appear better in the eyes of others, to rise at the expense of sacrifice. He wants to show strength, but instead shows weakness. In the life of such a person there is an imbalance of harmony that needs to be thrown out.

When you want to criticize someone, your ego comes into play. Whenever it takes over the personality, you can be sure that the experience will not end positively. The ego is just looking for a way to elevate itself. But such behavior has nothing to do with real personal growth or leadership.

Respect yourself by respecting others. Love yourself and you will never disgrace or hate another.

Problems

Now let’s look at the most common problems in setting goals that can seriously interfere with achieving results.

1 The goal is too specific

If the goal is set very narrowly, then a person may miss other, very important points. To avoid this mistake, try to gather as much information as possible about your potential target.

2 The goal is too narrow

When you focus on only one problem, you stop noticing others that can also be very important. For example, in one experiment, two groups of students were asked to read a paragraph of text. At the same time, some were asked to find only grammatical errors, and others - all possible ones. Of course, the second group coped with the task better. Because their task was not too narrow.

To avoid this mistake, try to compare your narrow goals with global ones and find a connection between them.

3 Too many goals

People who have too many goals end up focusing on just one, and statistically, some types of goals are ignored much more often than others. In one study, researchers set several goals for volunteers: they had to select stocks for investment and at the same time count the number of portfolios processed and the accuracy of this processing. When the two goals together were found to be unattainable, participants neglected accuracy in favor of quantity.

To avoid this mistake, try to set a minimum number of goals (2-3 per month) and monitor the implementation of each of them.

4 Narrow time period

For example, people with flexible wages often choose to work more hours on high-earning days and fewer hours on low-earning days. At first glance, this is logical, but if during this period you do not focus on time and consider the total income on different days, you can reduce the total working time and at the same time increase earnings.

To avoid this mistake, compare your short-term goals with your long-term ones and try to find a “golden mean” between them.

5 A very risky goal

Sometimes setting goals can trigger risky behavior and greatly reduce productivity. These are, for example, those cases when tightrope walkers, for the sake of glory, set themselves the goal of conquering a rope at a very high altitude without insurance. Yes, some succeed, but others simply die for the sake of an ambitious goal.

Before you set a goal, think about what you are willing to do for it. And be sure to set a clear boundary that you will not cross.

6 Unethical behavior

People are much more likely to lie about their performance if they have a challenging goal than if they don't have any goal. This also happens in situations where it is not possible to achieve the goal.

To avoid this mistake, simply set ethical boundaries for your behavior up front.

7 Goals Get in the Way of Your Learning

If people are given specific goals, they are less likely to resort to alternative methods to achieve them.

Instead of a very clear goal, just indicate the direction in which you want to develop.

8 Purpose encourages competition

If a person is focused on achieving his specific goal, then he can easily succumb to competition or even change his attitude towards others. In this situation, it is much easier to ensure that your goals coincide with the goals of your team.

9 Goal Setting Hijacks Intrinsic Motivation

Intrinsic motivation can decrease even due to the very fact of setting a goal

Often people simply exaggerate the importance of external incentives in motivation. That is why it is better to turn more often to internal motivation

Self-affirmation

People with an inferiority complex are prone to constant criticism. This is how they increase their own importance at the expense of others.

And if before your man was not so critical, but now “with or without reason” - this is a matter of self-esteem.

This could have happened for many different reasons: bad luck in bed last Saturday, an unpleasant conversation with his boss this week, or simply the cockroaches running wild in his head.

How to behave in this case? Show that you believe in him. Praise and thank him, nourish his masculinity and admire him.

And even if it seems to you that there is nothing to praise for. Look at the little things. Motivate him to act in such a way that there is a reason for praise. I have said more than once that your femininity is the best fuel for his masculinity.

If you don’t know how to do this yourself and think that he should deserve praise and gratitude, the problem is with you, dear.

Criticism vs praise

Alas, the criticism outweighs the praise. A person is designed in such a way that negative events are imprinted in memory more clearly. Also, the words of a critic may remind you of the comments of people significant to you - a school teacher, coach, boss, relative. It also happens that one remark can torment us for a very long time, although nothing bad (except for this) happened during the day. In this case, it is important to realize that negativity is completely based on the experience of the critic, everything happens in the head of another person, and through the prism of one’s own experience it is already poured out on others.

When you find yourself reacting to criticism, remind yourself that you are simply observing the outward manifestation of an involuntary free association game in another person's head.

Problems with money: what psychological factors cause them

Different approaches to online learning

It is impossible to say unequivocally that all online courses are bad. However, it would be more correct to divide them into several key categories. For example, studies have shown that students using a mixed method (online with offline elements) end up achieving quite high results.

But if we talk about completely online learning, then this category is recognized as the most problematic. Classes without the supervision of a teacher require high interest and motivation, and yet no more than 5% of students have the necessary qualities.

However, despite all its shortcomings, online education still remains quite popular and in demand, and in different segments, from the school curriculum to the university course. Still, this saves a lot of time and often allows you to gain the necessary skills almost without leaving production.

How to stop criticizing and learn to enjoy life?

If there is every reason to believe that you are depressed, then it is better to consult a psychologist. If criticism has simply become a habit, then you can deal with it on your own. First, learn to notice the moments when you judge something or someone, take them apart, looking only for the bad. If you notice that you are “carried away” into the negative, immediately try to say something good, positive. Of course, no one forces you to lie and be a hypocrite, lavishing praise left and right. We are talking about unconstructive criticism, when nothing is proposed to improve the situation, and only the bad is noticed.

Every time you feel the urge to criticize someone, try to put yourself in that person’s shoes and understand why they behave the way they do.

If you are already at the stage when you see only the negative in everything, then at least through force, using the method of self-hypnosis, try to look for at least something good in people and in everything that surrounds you. It will be difficult at first, but over time you will begin to notice the positive, talking about it will be much more pleasant than discussing someone.

If possible, try to communicate less with those people who are constantly unhappy with everything. And when you are about to once again express your dissatisfaction with someone, imagine how this scene looks from the outside. It is unlikely that you would want to communicate with such a person...

Psychologists say that recognizing a problem is half solving it. Of course, it will take time to get rid of the desire to look for negativity, but you didn’t develop this habit right away. The main thing is to have a desire, and then you will learn to see the world in bright colors!

A few more points

• Determine the type of criticism. If it's constructive, it's really worth listening. For example, you can get some good advice from an experienced investor.
• Separate facts from emotions. Even if you want to answer “look at yourself, what have you achieved?”, delve into the essence of the questions, ask a couple of clarifying ones and push emotions as far as possible, they are not helpful here.
• If a person does not specify your mistakes and they are vague (from the series “all these investments are a known scam”), then the criticism is biased, you should keep this in mind and not take the negativity to heart.
• Analyze whether the person has hidden benefits. Maybe he’s about to ask you for a loan, and you’re telling him how you open an individual investment account and buy shares.

8 stocks that should be in every investor's portfolio. Analysis of Fintolk

... or destructive?

The reasons for such criticism may be hidden not only in your relationship, but also in his internal state. You could have hurt him or offended him with something. But he was hurt and he cannot forgive. Even if he tries hard.

It is very easy to notice and understand if he criticizes:

• on little things;
• without a real reason;
• he is constantly dissatisfied with everything;
• shifts focus from one problem to another;
• criticizes your appearance in a way that really hurts.

And there is no point in asking the questions “What’s wrong with me?” The whole point of criticizing is to hit your self-esteem and instill doubt in you.

If this doesn't work, he may not be interested in a harmonious relationship. There are also cases when a man criticizes, feeling guilty of cheating.

How is criticism different from self-affirmation?

The basis of healthy criticism and its adequate perception is, of course, normal self-esteem. If I know that I’m great, and I have proof of this in life, then no critic will convince me. If I doubt my abilities, I’m not sure that I’m good enough - for example, for the position I occupy - then it will seem to me that every word confirms this. And then, if I am very unsure of something, then there will definitely be someone who will confirm this uncertainty.

But even if everything is in order with our self-esteem and we perceive ourselves normally, we may encounter a tyrant boss whose goal is to ruin the lives of others, although he himself, of course, does not think so. And in order not to turn from healthy to sick, you need to understand how criticism differs, for example, from self-affirmation.

• Judgments are objective and measurable.

“I don’t like it that way” is subjective. “Redo it because there are not enough facts or the logic is lost” - this is objective. The criticizing person explains what exactly he is not happy with and why he needs to do better.

Subpersonality that does not give the right to mistakes

The emergence of the inner critic occurs in childhood. A child, exploring the world and his capabilities, is faced with the expectations of society and the discontent of others when he does not live up to these expectations.

When raising children, adults are guided by a certain set of rules of behavior that they adopted from their parents. And as soon as a child breaks these rules, he is scolded, criticized, shown his dissatisfaction, deprived of encouragement, put in a corner, thus demonstrating that actions outside the rules are punishable. As a result, the little person gains experience: everything that is not included in the “correct” category is fraught with trouble.

Jordan Whitt/unsplash.com

In order to prevent further painful experiences from punishment for “wrong” actions, a protective intrapsychic mechanism is developed that inhibits human activity. This is self-criticism, or the inner critic. Since the child absorbs everything that comes from the outside, his critical voice speaks in the words and intonations of significant people: parents, educators, teachers.

“Shameless, arrogant idiot! You are nothing of yourself!” — a young woman hears her father’s words in her head in situations where she needs to defend her point of view or express her desires. These phrases have been etched into her memory since childhood and emerge against her will, depriving her of strength and self-confidence. These thoughts make her hands and feet cold, her throat constricts, her body turns to stone, like in childhood, and she can’t do anything about it.

A person who was criticized, condemned, and punished a lot in childhood has a lot of doubts about his abilities, skills, usefulness, and dignity. His inner critic is strong and active. He stands guard so that a person does not get into trouble, so that his actions do not again turn out to be wrong. Often this subpersonality deprives us of the ability to do anything at all.

It all starts with you

When you feel like you can't find your purpose in life, look within yourself. The purpose of your existence on this planet is to consciously radiate the love and kindness that is within you from the bottom of your heart, to teach a lesson and to promote the expansion of harmonious and peaceful unity of consciousness. The most important and promising changes are the ones you make within yourself. The transformation of the whole world begins with you. Both external and internal.

Who should not study online?

Despite the obvious advantages, online education is completely contraindicated for some people. This primarily concerns less prepared students and those who do not have sufficient self-control and organization. Experts made this conclusion during a study based on Chicago schools. Students who failed the exam were divided into two groups to prepare for a retake. As a result, among those who studied online, the failure rate was quite high, but those studying “live” successfully retook the exam.

But for people who are very motivated to study, such courses, on the contrary, can help expand their horizons and acquire new skills.

Nuances of education

A very good reason. If it was customary in his family to communicate at the level of criticism and complaints with or without reason, he will adhere to the same strategy in relationships. Dropped a cup - a bungler, came with a deuce - a fool, a girl refused - “not a man.”

All this becomes fuel for everyday nagging. There are two news: bad and good.

I'll start with the bad: it's impossible to change a man with a snap of your fingers. There is a chance only if he himself realizes the problem and wants to solve it. I’ll tell you a secret: men in general are extremely difficult to change and I strongly do not recommend doing it.

So if you are at the stage of choosing a partner and you no longer like the fact that he criticizes you, teases you, finds fault with you - end this relationship.

The good news: if a man works on himself, and you keep up and change like a woman, his bad habit can be eradicated.

A fearful critic

The best defense is definitely an attack. Some people choose just such a strategy and try to “work” proactively. They themselves are deathly afraid of criticism, therefore, in order to take the focus off themselves, they look for flaws in you and do not hesitate to share their findings with others. The more public there is, the better, because people criticize in order to divert attention from themselves, turning the public’s gaze to your shortcomings. If you want to play this game, then you can try to get ahead of such a critic. But practice shows that this is wasted work, since such a person most often also...

How to Avoid a Shame Spiral

As you move through the five stages of bereavement, it may happen that some rejection or criticism will set off a chain reaction of negative thoughts and doubts. For example: “I was rejected because my idea was no good. It means I'm mediocre or not smart enough. Of course, I'm mediocre - I failed my final exams. Speaking of exams, I was a failure at school too. Yes, I’m still a loser! I won’t succeed, it’s easier to forget about it.”

If you notice that you have become unreasonably negative towards yourself or, contrary to reason, are looking for evidence of your inadequacy, then you have fallen into a shame spiral. One thought leads to another, as if you are stuck in quicksand and will soon fall headlong. How to get out? Here are some tips:

1. Recognize that you have entered a shame spiral. This spiral begins to unwind when you draw lines from today's failure to the past or allow the current failure to paint everything in dark tones: “Bad day, bad week, whole life is crap.” When you fall into despair, you urgently need to understand that you do not see the truth, but what your mood tells you.
2. Relax and take a deep breath. If you get stuck in quicksand, fill your lungs with air and you won't drown. If you're panicking after being rejected or criticized, taking slow breaths can help you calm down.
3. Take a pause. If you start twitching, you will get stuck even deeper in the sand. After hearing refusal or criticism, do not make hasty movements. Before any important decision, take a pause - allow yourself to experience resentment, anger or disappointment.
4. Find a way to get out. Engage in some kind of restorative activity to lift your spirit and dispel bad moods. If meditation helps you, find balance with it, blow off some steam with a run, or reach out to your trusted circle.

Why does criticism offend people?

Human psychology is such that not everyone is ready to perceive value judgments adequately to reality. Even if a person objectively evaluates the qualities or character of the subject of evaluation. Many people turn on a defensive reaction in the form of a retaliatory search for flaws, shortcomings, in the form of a desire to show an imaginary opponent that he is “also far from ideal.” This is often characteristic of people with high self-esteem, inflated out of nothing. This is a problem for them, because even the judgments of well-wishers are met with hostility.

So, let's look at why people might be offended by criticism. Here are typical examples with reasons:

• judgments are not adequate to the facts . An example is amateur, unprofessional criticism. This is when, say, a teacher blames a student for looking for a solution to a problem in an unconventional way, but getting the result. We can’t talk about objectivity here;
• criticism is excessive . There are vulnerable and touchy people who, when faced with being criticized, do not defend themselves using objective facts, but simply “absorb”, being offended. At the same time, they are not ready to do anything even with themselves. Even if the value judgments made against them are objective;
• criticism is a consequence of aggression or anger . Any person, realizing that here and now they are trying to criticize him or are being criticized only because there is a hidden grudge, that a conflict has occurred, may experience a feeling of indignation and resentment. He understands that if it weren’t for the problematic situation, nothing would have happened.

Have you ever encountered criticism that was offensive?

Yes. And often it is judgments that are not adequate to reality that cause resentment. Excessive criticism also hurts.

44.44%

No. I perceive any criticism objectively and evaluate myself first.

0%

I don't care about criticism. Let them think what they want about me. I know myself better than anyone.

22.22%

Any value judgment addressed to me hurts me very much. If it's not positive.

33.33%

Voted: 9

Whiners, dissatisfied and always suffering

• No time and can't get anything done? Stop surfing the Internet, the phone, playing on the computer and lying on the couch. There will immediately be enough time, just like everyone else.

• Small salary? If you don’t earn well, improve your qualifications, change your job to another and get more. But is it easier to whine than to look for solutions and work?

• Child benefit is pathetic? Before you have sex, think about whether you can raise a child. Nobody promised to feed your children. This is your decision and you give birth to children for yourself, and not for the state, parents or others.

• Poor health? Drink, smoke and party all your life, and then complain about your health? First, pregnant women drink and smoke, and then the whole world collects money for treatment for a child?

• Are banks taking money? There was no point in taking out a new iPhone, car or other similar nonsense on credit. 50% of things that are bought on credit or in installments are not particularly needed by a person.

• Too fat, too thin and bad heredity? How many times do you play sports a week, how do you eat and what kind of lifestyle do you lead? It's easier to complain than to go for a run and go to the gym.

• Do your parents or grandparents help you a little? Your parents gave birth to you and raised you. They are not obligated to give you a car, get you a good job, or move out of their apartment to make room for you.

• Money is tight? Eternal complaints about the small amount of money in your wallet? But the show-off is through the roof. Every weekend at the club, expensive phones, branded clothes, trips to Europe and money down the drain. Maybe show off less or earn more?

People complain about things all the time. If a person constantly complains but doesn’t change anything, then he’s happy with everything. He just likes to whine and get sympathy. He is not looking for a solution, but wants you to feel sorry, help, or join the stream of negative whining.

How to protect yourself from the flow of negativity and whiners?

• Create distance with the whiner. Avoid always dissatisfied people and try not to communicate. Whiners make you weaker and pull you into their abyss of whining.

• Ask for a solution. Ask how the person is going to solve his problem. Usually whiners shut up because they need to complain, not solve the problem.

• Ignore. Sometimes the people closest to you whine. Put on your imaginary defense, nod and smile.

If you like to whine, whine. But step aside and don’t pester people with your tears and snot who want to be happy and enjoy every day in life.

- Who should not be criticized -

I once interviewed journalist Otar Kushanashvili, and he said: “I would never speak out against guys who work around the clock, for example Malakhov and Nagiyev, although I don’t understand anything of what they do.” Now I have also begun to realize this simple truth: you cannot criticize people who work hard. Even if you don't understand anything they do. The rule is: “You don’t have the right to open your mouth if you haven’t achieved anything and don’t know a damn thing about this matter.” And period. Sitting on the couch or at the computer and grumbling does not require much intelligence. But creating something yourself is a difficult thing, not always understandable to those who have never tried to act. As Churchill once said: “We have so many people who know how to govern a state. But, unfortunately, they all already work as taxi drivers or housekeepers.”

How does the inner critic manifest itself?

1. Dissatisfaction with one’s appearance, character, behavior: from mild annoyance to self-hatred. A striking example of this is women who go under the knife of a plastic surgeon in order to remake their body.

2. Feeling of awkwardness and shame at the slightest reason. Hence the ban on pleasure and the realization of one’s own desires as a punishment for one’s wrongdoing. Surely you have met such people.

3. Comparing yourself with others, often not to your advantage. Those around you are initially perceived better in all respects. From here arise relationships built on emotional dependence. And from here the legs of dependence on the opinions of others grow.

4. Irritation as a background feeling, regardless of the situation. Constant dissatisfaction with oneself sooner or later develops into irritation.

5. The desire to do everything perfectly.

6. Demandingness, rigidity and irreconcilability towards oneself and others. The inner critic is merciless in his assessments and demands that everything be perfect. When this subpersonality is developed, a person becomes like his critical part.

7. Doubt about the correctness of your thoughts, feelings, desires. This gives rise to the state of “I don’t know what I want,” helplessness and infantilism.

8. Blurring personal boundaries from within. The inner critic devalues ​​the person himself and idealizes the opinions of significant people.

9. Harsh self-criticism suppresses naturalness, spontaneity, emotionality, sexuality, creative expression, and contributes to the development of apathy and depressive states.

Inbox forwarding

Redirecting incoming aggression is one of the most common reasons for criticism. Not only among men.

Work conflicts, family squabbles and a bunch of other things can cause emotional stress in him.

That’s why a storm often hits you, but the aggression doesn’t reach the culprit.

So you get the role of a punching bag. If you understand that criticism and complaints are absolutely unfair, carefully ask how he is doing. Find out what makes him angry, why he behaves this way.

I recommend talking about your feelings, this will melt his heart and help you better convey your thoughts to him.

A man cannot resist this. You literally make him fall in love with you!

For example, like this: “Darling, I have a feeling that you’re actually angry about something else. Tell me what happened."

This is how you can show your love in a way that he will truly understand.

By talking about your feelings, you let the man know that you don’t take his criticism with hostility. That you are open to dialogue.

How to calm down quickly

Don’t be fooled: we can’t please everyone, and unlimited recognition from others is a utopia. What to do if we do encounter a toxic critic, and how to quickly recover:

• Before you say anything in response, count from one to ten and back.
• Take several deep breaths (you can count from one to three while inhaling and exhaling).
• If you feel like you are boiling, stop the conversation under any plausible pretext (an important call is coming any minute). It's better than making a mess.
• Take a pen and a piece of paper and scribble your heart out (or write down everything you think about the situation), then tear it up and throw it away.
• Treat the situation (if possible) with humor. To the remark “You never knew how to save money, let alone in investments,” you can answer: “I myself don’t know how I lived to see such years.”

Money is evil. We have seven proofs of this

We don't want to lose you, let's be friends! Subscribe to our Telegram channel, here are financial life hacks every day!

Three main scientific truths of motivation

Motivation is the energy that we need to perform a particular action. Three main factors can provide you with a large amount of good quality energy - choice, involvement and competence.

You must have a choice. Every person has a need to realize that he has the right to choose, to feel his capabilities and to manage the situation. Every person has the right to choose how to behave, otherwise achieving his goals becomes a more difficult task.

You have to have ownership. Each of us has a need to feel a close connection with other people. We strive to set meaningful goals and contribute to the common good. If this does not happen, then the quality of your energy suffers seriously and you do not experience any satisfaction from the process.

You must be competent. A person must know that he has the ability to manage everyday situations and demonstrate his skills while experiencing his own growth. If this does not happen, then the energy is blocked and frustration sets in from the inability to perform the simplest tasks.

It is these three truths that underlie the motivation of every person. If you look around, you will notice that if these three factors are present, you are calm and confident, but if you lack something, then you feel fear, anger, stress and a lot of pressure.

Our brain has an interesting feature - the reticular formation system. It goes off like an alarm, for example, when someone calls your name loudly in a noisy room

And it can help to understand the importance of gaining choice, belonging and competence

Through this prism, you can look at the actions and behavior of children from a completely different angle. For example, a baby who tries to feed himself with a spoon is defending his choice, a two-year-old who turns to a stranger is trying to gain belonging, and a baby who takes his first steps and falls is learning competence.

Criticism: good and different

Let's start with the fact that criticism can be different - constructive and unconstructive. A very important skill in the life of any person is the ability to distinguish between these two types of criticism. The matter is complicated by the fact that criticism, in fact, can be not two, but four types:

• constructive both in form and content;
• constructive in content, but non-constructive in form;
• constructive in form, but non-constructive in content;
• unconstructive both in form and content.

Example: a housewife wife did not have time to prepare dinner for her husband’s arrival and asked him to wait half an hour. The husband is very hungry, and he also warned his wife about the time of his arrival in advance. How might his criticism sound?

“I’m upset that you didn’t prepare dinner, although you knew in advance when I would come. I am very hungry. I ask you to time it better next time.” This criticism is constructive in both form and content. The wife will most likely react calmly and take the criticism into account for the future. The evening will end in a warm atmosphere.

“I think you need to think about your ability to plan your day. Until you get over it.” This criticism is polite and constructive, but only in form; its content is incorrect, because there is an inappropriate generalization. Perhaps the wife’s whole day was planned well: she managed to take the child to school, go to the market for groceries, clean up the house, pick up the child from school and take him to additional classes, bring him home, feed him. She had an objectively busy day, and her late dinner was not at all the result of poor planning. Most likely, a woman will react precisely to the form (with aggression, uncertain excuses or offended silence). She will consider herself unfairly affected. However, if the husband is accustomed to criticizing in a constructive manner, then perhaps the wife is also accustomed to responding constructively. It is quite possible that the conflict will be resolved if the husband admits that he was wrong and reformulates the phrase.

“Why isn’t dinner ready?!” As always, there is nothing to eat! Why should I wait, coming home hungry after a hard day?!” This criticism is generally correct in content, but incorrect in form. Most likely, the wife will make excuses, and if the flow of criticism does not stop, then either defensive aggression will “turn on”, or she will be offendedly silent, putting a plate of food in front of him after half an hour. Perhaps she will draw conclusions for herself for the future, because... There is a rational grain in criticism, but its mood will be spoiled. Even though her husband was right about the message, she will feel resentful. The evening (perhaps more than one) will be ruined. When this situation is repeated frequently, mutual understanding in the family is called into question.

"Sad sack! I got a bad mistress!” This phrase is unconstructive both in content and form. Firstly, the husband does not condemn his wife’s actions, but gives a negative assessment of her personality, and moreover, in a rude form. Secondly, such “criticism” does not bring any benefit; it does not help to overcome shortcomings in a person’s actions, but only causes a response surge of negativity. In general, this is the worst type of criticism, literally “corroding”, like rust, any relationship.

Thus, completely constructive criticism works best, i.e. correct in content and expressed correctly and respectfully. Such criticism is necessary for each of us, since it reflects, as in a mirror, our shortcomings, shortcomings, and mistakes. And precisely because she speaks out correctly, we get a chance to correct these mistakes. Of course, such criticism can be unpleasant, but it is the one that has the greatest chance of being heard and perceived.

Other types of criticism cause mainly negative emotions, leading to defensive reactions of either self-justification, or repelling an “attack,” or to silent self-criticism. This path can lead to the destruction of relationships or to the forced preservation of a “good face in a bad game,” when the criticized person is so dependent on the critic that he cannot break off the relationship and decides to endure (“I live with him and suffer, but where will I go with two children?”, “The boss is bad, but the salary is good”). This is a path of dissatisfaction, leading to depression and emotional outbursts.

An exercise to help you deal with your inner critic

avemario/Depositphotos.com

Methodology

An active inner critic can ruin your life. While you evaluate your actions with the help of this subpersonality, you continue to look at yourself through the eyes of significant adults from childhood. One of the ways to get out of the influence of the inner critic is to learn to evaluate your actions yourself, based on your current capabilities and lifestyle.

I offer you one exercise that will help you cope with this task. It reduces the activity of the inner critic and helps improve self-esteem. Do it at the end of the day.

Keep a separate notebook. Divide a sheet of paper in half with a vertical line. On the left, write down in a column all the complaints that you have against yourself today. Put down your notebook. Drink tea, mind your business or take a walk. And after 15–30 minutes, write opposite each negative statement what advantages you received as a result of this situation.

Important points

1. Write down complaints not for your entire life, but only for today: what you didn’t do that day, didn’t finish, did wrong. Start dealing with your critic little by little, otherwise you will not be able to cope with the number of complaints against yourself.

2. You need to write until you feel that you have nothing more to say. Let your critical voice speak out, and you may learn useful things for yourself.

3. A feature of the internal critic is a generalization, which manifests itself in phrases such as “Everything is bad”, “Nothing worked out”, “As always”, “A complete fool”, “A terrible cretin”. Therefore, if you want to write something similar in the left column, clarify what your mistake was, what you were bad at. With such a detailed description, the emotional charge decreases. There is an opportunity to see what you have achieved.

4. If you have nothing to object to the claim of your inner critic, then agree with him. After all, he is often right. But add something that could compensate for your mistake.

Algorithm for responding to criticism

Psychology professor Marina Melia offers a very effective mechanism for responding to criticism, which will help you turn any judgments into your own good and grow both personally and professionally.

Step 1. Say “Yes”

The first thing to do is to agree that a person has the right to his opinion and the right to express this opinion. We need to learn not to jump into emotional swings, which will only inflame our feelings and take us far from constructiveness.

We can say: “Yes, I agree with you, your opinion is very important.” This is how we remove the emotional charge. Moreover, we can thank the person for his assessment: “Thank you for taking the time to analyze my work.”

After such a reaction, two people are ready to discuss the details calmly. And most importantly, both are aimed at the best result.

Step 2. “But...”

When we understand and accept the other person’s opinion, it’s time to start figuring it out. Our opinion and our view may differ from what the second person says. And now that he is ready to listen to us, we can explain our position. We can give arguments and explain what guided us when we did our work. It happens that the critic does not look at the subject from this point of view. And either he will take our side, or he will explain what he meant. In any case, it will look like a dialogue between two people solving one problem, rather than each fighting for their own right.

false mirror

Are you annoyed by your friend's way of speaking or her habit of wearing short skirts? Don't you like untidy people? Stingy men?

Likewise, your man can criticize you for being overweight, although he himself has tens of extra pounds.

Or he compares you with others in the style of “here’s Tolik’s wife...”, but doesn’t remember that Tolik provides his woman with everything to make her happy.

To deal with this problem, you definitely shouldn’t scream and throw tantrums. First, think about whether you give him the opportunity to express himself as a man. Are you a woman who destroys or creates?

If the latter, explain to him softly, confidently and in a calm voice that you will not accept criticism in this form. Choose your words carefully.

You also need to be able to talk about your boundaries or refuse a man.

When is criticism appropriate?

Criticism is appropriate when there is a request for it. It does not have to be expressed in the form of a direct question. When a person gets a job, comes to a master class or studies at university, it is expected that the boss, lecturer or teacher will criticize him. But they must do this from the position of an expert - then the criticism itself will be directed not at the person, but at the results of his work.

In result-oriented criticism, there is an analysis of the error and a way to correct it. This helps to avoid a repeat of the situation in the future. Criticism that is directed at a person does not explain anything, does not motivate and spoils relationships.

Forms of manifestation

Well, now let's see exactly what these fears look like and what qualities they develop in the affected individual:

• Vulnerability. All words, even compliments, are perceived with a minus sign. They tell her that she looks good today, and she asks: “And yesterday, that means I looked bad?”
• Categorical. Even the most innocent actions of people are considered as universal evil. A guest who does not praise the hostess's cake is an uncouth rude person!
• Extreme self-doubt. A person simply cannot move along the path of life, because he is afraid to take a step to move closer to his dream, and blames himself for inaction. A vicious circle generates eternal discontent.
• Demandingness. This trait is most characteristic of parents who did not succeed in life. They make children into “super personalities” so that they can be proud of them, demanding the impossible.
• Pessimism. No comments here. Even before the most successful and attractive event, pessimists will tell you how and why it will go wrong.
• Emotional reclusion. It borders on self-doubt, but manifests itself somewhat differently. Such people always leave things unsaid so that “the information will not be used against them,” and have a superficial attitude towards both work and relationships. When everything stops working out for them, they start grumbling.

Narcissism

A person of a narcissistic type lives with illusions about his ideality. He tries to convince himself that he has no flaws, that he is not capable of making even a minor mistake. When someone points out a mistake or reminds him that he is imperfect, this causes a violent negative reaction, and even reinforced by a feeling of shame.

For example, the narcissist told you how long he spent looking for material for his project, how many libraries he visited, etc. And you said that all this data is posted on one Internet resource: moreover, without malicious intent and without criticism. However, this caused a negative reaction from the interlocutor, since they offered an easy option that he himself had not thought of. He is ashamed that he is so slow-witted, and at the same time he is angry with you that you saw his mistake.