I hate my mother: how to save the relationship and move on?

Reasons for hating your mother

Negative feelings towards your own mother cannot arise spontaneously. Hatred towards her is a product of numerous insults and a cluster of childhood psychotraumas that a parent intentionally or unintentionally inflicted on her child. Unfortunately, many children have been affected by this problem, and now it is poisoning their lives. Why specifically can hatred of the mother arise:

Emotional coldness. Not all women have a pronounced maternal instinct. At the birth of a child, these mothers do not have a need to show feelings and tenderness. They serve him, feed him, take him to kindergarten, but always keep an emotional distance. It is very important for a child to feel his mother’s warmth. For proper psychological development, he needs a loving, affectionate mother. When a son or daughter does not receive attention from their parent and feels cold, they gradually begin to hate her, never receiving what is rightfully due to them.
Conflicts and lack of mutual understanding. A bad relationship between mother and child does not go unnoticed. Conflicts between generations are inevitable, but there are truly irreconcilable differences. Negative emotions accumulate, and then children feel alienation, anger, and emptiness. The inability or unwillingness of a mother to establish contact with her son or daughter leads to the fact that children hate the woman they should love and respect.
The power of the mother. If a woman does not allow her child to take a step without her own approval, then at first she can indeed serve as an unquestioning authority for him. But after a while, a child or a teenager will definitely rebel, and a real war will begin, which will lead to hatred. Unfortunately, mothers rarely understand their mistakes and continue to attack even when the child has long become an adult: they meddle in personal life, control, and impose their opinions. Then the relationship with your son or daughter never becomes friendly.
Mother's jealousy towards the child's father. Most often, this problem concerns daughters due to their belonging to the fair sex. Why does a daughter hate her mother within the framework of psychology? Sometimes women behave instinctively, without listening to the voice of reason. Mothers are unconsciously jealous of their husband, especially if a warm, trusting relationship has developed between dad and daughter, and at this time not everything is going smoothly between the spouses. As a result, the mother constantly humiliates her daughter, trying to compete with her in the fight for the attention of her man, spoiling the relationship with both and causing fierce hatred in her child.
Violence in family. Psychological and physical terror on the part of the mother completely kills all the child’s positive feelings towards her. It is simply impossible to forgive such an attitude, because it leaves an indelible imprint on the child’s psyche. Children who have suffered from domestic violence in the family most often say with complete confidence: “I hate my mother!” And how else should you relate to a person who beats and bullies you, although he should be your support and support in everything?

These reasons for negative feelings towards your mother are quite understandable. It is quite difficult to establish relationships after such events, but hatred of the one who gave birth poisons the child’s life and has negative consequences even in the distant future.

Psychologist's advice

Often people cannot find a way out of a difficult situation, and therefore turn to a psychologist. The specialist’s answer to the question of what to do is always clear: you need to talk. Plan a vacation with your mom or make it a habit to go shopping weekly. If relatives have hardly communicated before, it will be difficult for them at first. But then you can get real pleasure from contact with your mother.

What other advice do psychologists give in such a difficult situation?

There is no need to scream during quarrels and conflicts. Yelling and being irritated will never achieve anything.
You should not blame your mother for everything, since in most cases both sides are to blame in the conflict.
It is not recommended to turn others against the parent, as this will give rise to a new round of conflict.
Psychologists advise making tactile contact more often. One hug or kiss can sometimes eliminate years of hostility.
Both parties need to learn to forgive and apologize for their mistakes.

Often a psychologist hears the following: “I hate my mother and cannot communicate with her.” However, it is the lack of verbal and tactile contact that gives rise to another conflict in the family. You need to try until the last minute to establish a relationship with your parent, because you will no longer have another mother.

There are times when children's negative feelings are completely justified. If a parent is addicted to bad habits, prone to violence, or indifferent to her child, it is difficult to put up with this. However, remember that with anger you are only denigrating your heart.

How does hatred of one's own mother affect a child's life?

“I hate my mother” - this thought poisons the lives of many unhappy people. And not only because there is no opportunity to openly communicate with a loved one. The situation is complicated by numerous consequences that affect all areas of life. How does hatred of a mother affect a child?

Unconscious repetition of relationships with one's own child. Children are like sponges and absorb everything – both good and bad. A child may hate his mother, but her model of behavior is still deposited in the subconscious as correct. This is how nature works, since at the beginning of life, parents are the unconditional authorities and in a good way should set a positive example. As a result, an already adult son or daughter themselves gives birth to a child and subconsciously repeats the scenario from childhood: they unconsciously make every effort to ensure that their offspring hates them.
Problems with self-acceptance. After being bullied by the mother, it is rare that a child manages not to develop complexes and have healthy self-esteem. Constant reproaches, the coldness of the parent, comparisons with other, more successful children - all this causes a feeling of inferiority. In addition, questions constantly swirl in my head: “Why do I hate my mother and what to do about it?” This is not accepted in society, and the son or daughter blames themselves for negative feelings. Personal family drama will continue to torment a person for the rest of his life.
Lack of privacy. Negative feelings towards the opposite sex and reluctance to have romantic encounters are possible consequences of hatred towards the mother. After various serious conflicts and disagreements with the mother, the child clearly realizes that starting a family and giving birth to offspring is not worth it. After all, all this will lead to the same thing that is happening to him now. As adults, many people who hate their mother are rarely happy in their personal lives because they subconsciously avoid relationships. Hatred towards the mother has a particularly strong effect on adult sons, and not on daughters, since a subconscious alienation occurs in relation to all representatives of the fair sex.
Increased aggression. When the relationship with the mother leaves much to be desired, the child expects a catch from all sides. After all, the person who is supposed to be the closest becomes enemy number one. No one teaches the unhappy child kindness and warmth towards others, which greatly affects his socialization. Since childhood, the child gets used to keeping his distance, does not trust people and can even show aggression when someone tries to make friends with him.

You should not ignore your feelings and emotions if you are also affected by the consequences of hating your mother. The problem will not go away without a trace, it must be solved. What to do if a son or daughter hates their mother?

Adult problems as a source of negative feelings

In addition to health problems, childhood grievances affect the quality of life in all its aspects.

First of all, the personal sphere. In his own family, a grown “offended child” faces a huge number of problems. Thus, unloved girls who do not have enough maternal love, for example, the mother worked all the time or arranged her personal life, not paying attention to the child, not being interested in him, or with a dad who is stingy with emotions, such girls grow into women who do not know how to love and appreciate themselves .
Very often they find “cold”, without emotional husbands, from whom they again receive neither love nor affection. This happens on an unconscious level, a person looks for those emotions that he already knows and is already familiar with.
Boys who grew up with a very authoritarian mother and a weak-willed father will look for a powerful woman, even if they feel unhappy with her, they will stay, since this model is familiar to them.
A child who has been beaten or physically mutilated grows up aggressive, insecure, embittered at himself and at the whole world. There is a huge probability that he will beat his children in the same way.

We recommend reading the interesting article “Is it possible to hit a child?”

A child who is constantly compared with other children, or with his own brother or sister, will have extremely low self-esteem and absolute self-doubt. As an adult, he will be guided only by the opinions of others; he will not have his own position in life as such. Constant competition with someone or even with yourself, trying to be better for someone or than someone, endless self-improvement for the sake of general recognition.
But children, in whose families there were constant quarrels, scandals, maybe even fights, will look for precisely these emotions in future relationships. The girl will look for a companion similar to her alcoholic father, perhaps he will not even drink, but most often he will suffer from other types of addiction and she will experience the same feelings with him.
Career, studies, and achievements also suffer. Children who were not supported in all their endeavors, but, on the contrary, stopped, saying that nothing would work out, grew up in constant fear that it would not work out, that they were unworthy. Many great scientists, artists, actors and other great people have disappeared, just because mom, or dad, didn’t believe in him. Nobody told them: “You will succeed, I believe, I know.” Try again. Don't be upset. I love you"
Children who grow up under the overprotection of their parents become absolutely dependent, unable to make decisions and take responsibility for their lives. They blame anyone for their failed life: circumstances, people, politics, time, etc. It is very difficult for them to get along in a team, build a career, and personal life.

Getting rid of the problem in 6 steps

You have already realized that negative feelings towards your own mother, nurtured since childhood and strengthened, interfere with a normal life. Therefore, we must gather our strength and begin to act. You will not be able to completely cancel your hatred of your parent, but it is quite possible to alleviate your condition. The following 6 steps will help you get rid of oppressive feelings:

Stop quarreling and conflicting. An adult can hardly be changed, so your fight against manifestations of maternal character is simply pointless. In addition, conflicts are exhausting and further strain the family situation. After any quarrel, an unpleasant aftertaste remains, which causes anxiety for a long time. Raise the white flag and try not to take any negativity from your mother to heart. Most likely, without waiting for your usual reaction, she will weaken the pressure and stop quarreling.
Talk to your mother. You shouldn’t tell her straight to her face: “I hate you!” Try to explain your negative feelings in other, softer terms. For example: “I’m tired of your endless nagging and coldness. I’m already an adult, but I still don’t feel spiritual closeness with you. I’m bitter and offended by this, because I miss your maternal warmth so much.” It is possible that your words will touch the strings of her soul and force the mother to reconsider her views and change her tactics to a softer one.
Look for compromises. Sometimes this is difficult, especially if the mother is used to being obeyed unquestioningly. But it's worth a try. For example, if your mother constantly monitors you and calls you a hundred times a day, tell her that you yourself will notify her about important events in your life. If she scolds you and raises her voice for any reason, warn her that now your relationship is reaching a new level, where everyone has only constructive dialogue. There is a high probability that the mother will listen to your words and reconsider her behavior that makes you hate.
Live separately. If you have already reached the age and financial situation when you are able to live separately, be sure to jump out of the family nest. Why endure negative emotions if you can reduce contact with your mother? It is quite possible that your relationship with her will improve after this or that your hatred will decrease at least a little. Sometimes long-distance relationships are much more satisfying than daily contact with all the ensuing consequences.
Don't let your mother know about your personal life. Even if you hate your mother, she still cares about you and wants to be aware of all the events that happen in the life of her child. Try not to be frank with her. Then she will have much less reason for questions and advice, and, accordingly, mom will annoy you less with her monologues. As they say, he knows less, sleeps better.
Contact a family therapist. The specialist will tell you at what point your relationship with your mother deteriorated. You will work through the traumatic situation and let it go. You may need several sessions of psychotherapy, but in any case it will be very effective work. As a result, you will either improve your relationship with your mother, or learn to accept negativity from her more easily.

And most importantly, no matter how you feel about your mother, do not lose yourself, do not focus on the problem and continue to live in spite of your hatred. There is always a way out, the main thing is not to give up and fight for your happiness and harmony with your inner world.

My recommendations

You are not obliged to forgive or accept your parents, to justify them. But to be freed, you must find an explanation for their actions. It probably seems to you that your mother or father had a choice: to hit you or not to hit you, to hug you or not to notice you, to be kind or demanding, to drink or not to drink, etc. But in fact, at that moment there was no such choice. Such parents live unconsciously. Their every action is dictated by their traumas, grievances, fears, mental disorders, addictions, etc. (depends on the individual case).

You need to accept the fact that your parents could not satisfy your need for security, love, respect, attention, etc. They are not capable of this. They don’t know how, they don’t know how to do it. Accordingly, you should not expect from them such behavior that is atypical for them, which is unknown to them. This is the secret of getting rid of resentment towards parents.

The only thing you can be angry and offended about is fate, the fact that you were born into this family. But again, this had nothing to do with you. It turns out that there is no one to be offended by and there is nothing to blame yourself for. What remains? Give yourself what you missed as a child. Nurture the healthy adult within you and speak to your inner child. Yes, probably, until you also do not know how to love, care, and defend personal boundaries. But all this can be learned. The main thing is to want it.

Important! If you had a difficult childhood, it is normal to be offended and angry at your parents, but it is not normal to feel guilty about it. Don't blame or scold yourself.