What to do if mom is annoying? Difficulties in family relationships, ways to solve problems, useful tips

Scenarios

Children raised by parents of the second category can often observe their mother's tears, as well as hear complaints and reproaches.
Let's look at a few scenarios that such people follow. One of the most common is “Victim of Circumstances.” From childhood, a child is told what sacrifices a single mother had to make in order to raise her son or daughter, how many sleepless nights she spent at the bedside of her often ill child, how hard it was without money, how difficult it is now and there is nothing left ahead.

Parents can do this unconsciously, pursuing a good goal - to develop great love, gratitude, simply by simply sharing their thoughts and experiences, but in fact, even in an adult after all this, only that same feeling and thoughts about a debt that cannot be returned no matter how hard you try .

Sometimes “victims of circumstances” try to hide the manipulation, reminding them that none of this matters. The mother loves the child and does not blame him for anything: “When I was your age, I sat with the baby, you screamed, and I wrote my diploma with my other hand, but that’s okay. Go hang out with your friends. I’m just droning on like an old lady.”

There are “ideal” people, in their opinion, not just parents, but ideal people in general. Such people believe that they are competent in everything and always. They know what to do, when, where, with whom, how much time, and so on.

They can constantly control and reproach the child, instill in him a feeling of inferiority: “I’m always wrong,” “I’m to blame,” “I’m doing something wrong.” A child, and then an adult, strives to live up to such ideal parents, but he simply cannot do this, since he is a priori guilty. He did not live up to some expectations that he most likely did not even suspect.

There are also manipulative jokers who humorously mock a child who does not understand irony at all: “I’m crying not because I stepped on a nail, but because you upset me again.”

Sometimes parents share information that is completely inappropriate for a young child's ears. For example, if they didn’t plan to have a child at all or wanted a girl/boy, but it didn’t work out. In this case, children will naturally experience feelings of guilt, shame and remain dissatisfied with themselves.

Axiom one - no excuses!

Have you ever seen how children torture cats? Tin cans on the tail are the most humane sadistic entertainment that their immature brains can invent. Will you justify these children if you happen to be a witness?

You will say that their life is hard, they are upset because of the deuce or their father’s belt? Will stupidity, immaturity, or lack of education be an excuse? Hardly. After all, children understand that they cannot abuse animals. They just have fun and want to do this to the cat. I want to cause pain to a living, defenseless creature.

“I look like my mother!”

What frightens Sasha most is that in her relationship with her children she sometimes repeats the behavior of her mother. She is trying to work through this problem with a psychotherapist. In general, the fear of becoming like your mother to a certain extent is absolutely normal, says Zaikin: “This is the first stage of gaining independence and individuality. Teenage girls often deliberately try to differ from their mother in appearance, choosing brighter clothes or bolder hairstyles.” But in a healthy relationship, the obsessive desire to be different from your mother should subside over time.

Usually daughters are afraid to start copying those features of their mother’s behavior that give them the most unpleasant emotions. Although, according to Bogomolov, they may be more likely to manifest themselves: “Girls learn certain styles of thinking, ways of explaining reality and managing their emotions from their parents.” This can often affect their future life. Let's say a woman can learn from her mother to be paranoid about not trusting people or to shift responsibility for her misdeeds onto another person. “The eureka moment came when I was dating a man who was pathologically similar to my mother. I constantly tried to earn his trust and made excuses,” says Olya. In this relationship, she had no say and was constantly faced with prohibitions - just like in childhood.

True, the good news is that people have different abilities to recover in case of trouble and react to dysfunctional relationships in the family, says Viktor Bogomolov. So many can be completely resistant to the moral trauma inflicted by their mother and successfully build their lives further.

Often, wanting to leave the traumatic experience behind, women decide to completely stop communicating with their mother. However, according to psychologists, such an act does not always help overcome trauma. Having realized that the relationship with your mother will never be ideal, you should first determine your own boundaries, and then try to maintain contact with her within reasonable limits. Firstly, it is worth accepting that a mother is also a living person who can make mistakes, and abandon the idealized image, says Daria Grosheva. And secondly, keep in mind that mature adults can change only if they themselves want to work on relationships. Otherwise, you should learn to value and protect your autonomy and prevent your mother from trying to influence your life despite your desire to follow her lead.

Images: cherezoff - stock.adobe.com

How to calm your mom down when she's angry?

You should behave as follows with an irritated mother:

Try to discuss the situation calmly and from different angles. Let mom talk. When a person is angry, he evaluates the problem biasedly, considering it extremely important. Although in fact this may be a trifle that can easily be resolved if you do not rush things or, on the contrary, take simple but decisive steps right away. Having started discussing the problem, mom herself can find the right solution, or you can push her to this with your careful advice;
Invite her to go to a cafe or just take a walk in the park. Often the cause of mother's irritability and nervousness is simple fatigue. If she has no desire to go somewhere, then run to the store and buy her mother’s favorite treat;
Say: “Mom, it’s hard for me to see you in this state. How can I help? Let me clean up the house, and you relax and watch some movie.” Showing concern always softens a negative attitude.

What psychologists say

A mother must fulfill her parental function: love, care, protect. But sometimes a woman begins to make excessive demands on the child and control his life, which will inevitably lead to problems in the relationship. Children often hear the following phrases:

“Everyone has normal children, but you...”
“You can’t do anything.”
"You won't succeed."
“You won’t achieve anything without me,” etc.

The result of such statements is the same: the child believes the person closest to him. If mom says he's a loser, that means he is. A person carries the habit of winning respect and love into adulthood. A person tries to prove that he deserves a good attitude, adapts to others, and neglects his own desires.

The main types of toxic mothers. Or 8 behavior patterns of mothers who poison the lives of their children

Detached mother.
She is not interested in the life of her offspring, their problems, experiences, sorrows and joys. Such a mother will call and ask how you are doing, and she will answer: “Hello son, how are you doing well?” Thus, showing his abstraction from you, his disinterest, broadcasting “I don’t need you, you’re uninteresting.” She is absolutely not touched by stories about victories or misfortunes; she does not want to delve into it all and strain herself.
Cold mother.
Similar characteristic. Tenderness, love, care, and sympathy are alien to such a woman. It is impossible to get moral or physical help from her. She broadcasts “You have no right to be weak.” Warm heart-to-heart conversations and hugs are impossible with her. Moreover, the manifestation of weakness, tears, can cause irritation in her. Such mothers, as a rule, work a lot, are always tired and not in the mood. They can “abandon” the child to his father or other relatives, or send him to kindergarten very early.
Attached mother.
The opposite of the previous type. In this case, the woman does not see the boundaries between herself and her child. There is only “we”. She completely dissolves in the life of her son or daughter, provides all the conditions and needs of the offspring, and gives of herself. But the main goal of such behavior is one’s own realization at the expense of the child.
The main message: “Stay small, don’t grow up, don’t.”
Controller mother.
Doesn’t give you the right to choose, speak, doesn’t allow you to grow up. Does not recognize successes and achievements. Controls the child’s entire life, from food, clothing, to social circles, work. He doesn’t believe in the child and doesn’t support him, constantly broadcasting: “You won’t succeed, you won’t succeed.”
Tyrannical mother.
Aggressor. Constant criticism, accusations, humiliation and insults. Devaluation of the child's victories and achievements. Jealousy. Cruelty. Emotional ruthlessness. Uninterrupted instillation of feelings of guilt and shame.
Message: “You are bad, spoiled.”
Unstable, unpredictable mother.
She cannot be relied upon, she cannot be trusted. It is generally difficult to predict her mood and behavior. Today she can give care and love, and tomorrow she can criticize and reproach. Emotional instability of the highest degree.
Narcissistic (narcissistic) mother.
Focused on yourself. A child is only a means of achieving and satisfying her concerns, desires and needs. Extremely dependent on other people's opinions. There is practically no emotional connection with the child. An excellent manipulator. However, if desired, in public she can turn into an ideal parent.
Helpless mother.
An immature mother. He behaves like a helpless child, shifting responsibility from his shoulders, thereby depriving him of childhood and its carelessness. It forces you to grow up early and take on parental responsibilities.

The consequences of a toxic relationship with your mother are extremely negative and negative.

Lack of self-confidence, low self-esteem, lack of personal life, fear, anxiety, neuroses and serious mental disorders. A grown-up child can develop a huge bouquet of phobias. Problems in relationships in the family, with peers, colleagues.

An adult daughter will be completely devoid of femininity.

A toxic mother will force her to grow up very early. Uncertainty, emotional weakness, fear will haunt you constantly. Inability to refuse when you want, to defend your point of view. Excessive patience, tolerance. Constant feeling of guilt, shame. Problems with the opposite sex. As a rule, such daughters find toxic men, dooming themselves to constant torment in life with him. Anxiety, fear. Perfectionism

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The son of a toxic mother will be endowed with no less negative and destructive character traits.

Inability to express one's feelings, emotional coldness and restraint. He was assured that showing his sincere feelings was shameful and very dangerous. Aggression, hostility. Problems in relationships with women.

With age, negative qualities begin to manifest themselves more strongly, thereby poisoning life. Very often a person does not understand at all why his life is not working out, where these root causes are. That is why at the first meetings with psychologists, the dialogue always begins with a story about childhood and parents. It is worth noting that far from always (rather never), a toxic mother is aware of the harm caused to the child and deliberately destroys the offspring. Her life was most likely based on the same toxic childhood with similar parents.

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"I know what's best"

Devaluation is often accompanied by unhealthy control over a girl's life. This often happens because the mother does not understand that at some point the daughter must become independent and fend for herself. “Many mothers are trying to stop the inevitable separation of the child. This situation becomes especially painful if the mother unconsciously wants to make her daughter an ideal person,” says Victor Zaikin.

Lena's main problems with her mother began at the age of seventeen. She didn't eat meat, didn't believe in God, and didn't plan to get married anytime soon. “Then they began to force-feed me and take me to the mosque under the threat of house arrest, so that I would understand that I was obliged to maintain my virginity until marriage and would soon find a husband. They even performed some strange rituals on me to drive out demons,” says Lena. Then she fell in love with a classmate, and her mother reacted very badly to it. She took Lena’s phone away, put her under house arrest and forbade her to go outside. “This was justified allegedly by the fact that I need to prepare for the Unified State Exam, and not think about boys,” explains the girl. Fortunately, she actually managed to enter a prestigious university and leave, reducing communication with her mother to a minimum. “I very rarely go home, and by phone I only report some domestic incidents. As soon as I start talking about something personal, a scandal happens, and my mother uses this information to manipulate me,” says Lena.

Mom entered Masha’s room at any time, without knocking or asking permission. “You don’t have anything of your own and you can’t have anything,” she answered her indignation. Sometimes the mother would open the bathroom door with a knife when Masha closed to wash herself. “You’re so helpless and you can’t handle this on your own,” mothers who are control freaks usually explain their behavior. Thus, the mother can control every step of her daughter: decide what she should wear, how to behave, where to study and work, who to meet, what time to return home and exactly how to arrange things in the closet.

I hate my mother, what should I do?

Of course, there is an answer, only the child does not know about this answer; also, adults who live with hatred of their own mother all their lives cannot answer it.

In addition to the hatred that devastates and destroys such an adult, he experiences a constant feeling of guilt for what he feels. Society indicates that it is bad to hate your own mother, and if you cannot accept and forgive your mother, then you are subhuman.

I want to say right away that you have every right not to love and hate your mother and at the same time, not to feel any sense of guilt!

Sacrifice, holiness, these are synonyms for mother. She carried, gave birth and fed, and now, all your life you must and must treat this woman with gratitude and love.

But what if the mother:

did not love the child;
humiliated;
beat;
morally destroyed;
did not protect against sexual violence;
was cold;
domineering and despotic;

It turns out that if there was some kind of violence in a person’s life, emotional, psychological, sexual or physical, then he should rejoice at it and love this person?

It turns out that society is creating Stockholm syndrome?

What is Stockholm syndrome?

Let's take a look at Wikipedia:

“Stockholm Syndrome is a term popular in psychology that describes a defensive-unconscious traumatic connection, mutual or one-sided sympathy that arises between the victim and the aggressor in the process of capture, abduction and/or the use of threat or violence.
Under the influence of intense experience, hostages begin to sympathize with their captors, justify their actions and ultimately identify themselves with them, adopting their ideas and considering their sacrifice necessary to achieve a “common” goal.”

Imagine that you ended up with a maniac who abused you for years; one might say that you were tortured day after day. During the torture, you hated him with a fierce hatred, and if you had the opportunity to kill him with your own hands, then you would have done it.

During torture, the human psyche creates various defenses in order to escape pain and a state of helplessness. And at some point, the maniac stops torturing you.

What happens on the mental level? You are infinitely grateful to this maniac for stopping torturing you. Some people's perception of events is distorted to such an extent that they even justify the maniac and begin to love him.

So, I believe that a person who feels a feeling of hatred towards his tormentor has every right to do so.

We have many different sayings about what goes around comes around. But why didn’t this apply to mothers?

Because it is beneficial for society to have obedient and subordinate people, it is easier to manage them this way. From an early age, the idea is hammered into your head that your mother is the most sacred thing in your life, and you are obliged, no matter how you were raised, how you were treated, to love her and respect her for giving birth. you, gave you life.

But if you read the comments on the forums of people who were subjected to various types of violence in childhood, it will be clear that if they had the choice of being this woman’s child or not living at all, they would choose not to live.

“Girls, I just hate my mother!!!! This is terrible, I have a child myself, the most precious thing in my life, I see myself little in him and try not to be like her, she gave birth to me late at 40 years old, it would be better not to give birth, why give birth if you don’t like children!
I've never had any moral support from her in my entire life, only upbringing - pulling my hair for any offense and insults, now she's yelling that I'm an ungrateful bastard... and why should I thank you, it would be better if she and my father sent me to an orphanage now If the state had its own corner, there would still be no love, no pity, no support, she is a stranger to me, I don’t feel love for her, I only feel guilt!!”

"You do not love me"

Zhenya cries very rarely, but her mother consistently manages to unbalance her. She has already learned to react calmly to comments about excess weight, but not to ultimatums and tears. “Food is more valuable to you than your mother. You would know what it cost me to give birth to you!”, “You can’t refuse sweets because you don’t love me,” these are the accusations against her. As a child, she secretly bought chocolates and threw candy wrappers under the bed to avoid scandal.

In this case, manipulation is associated with the desire to build the life of your child in accordance with your own ideas. In Zhenya’s case, the mother uses guilt to maintain control over her daughter. Reluctance to obey the mother is interpreted as indifference and inhumanity. In addition to speculating about her daughter’s tender feelings, she also frightens her with hardly realistic developments of events and dangers: “You will never get married,” “Your friends communicate with you only to look better compared to you,” “I never thought that my my daughter will look like this.”

“When I was at school, my mother liked my classmate - such a star, smart and beautiful. Mom started comparing me to her at every step,” says Lena. Sometimes her mother criticized her facial features, comparing her with this classmate, of course, not in favor of her daughter. “For me, this girl has become a real idol. I became friends with her and tried to be like her in everything. I suffered a lot because I’m not her, and I can’t please my mother to the same extent.” Since then, Lena has become insecure, and in her youth she hated herself so much that she even thought about suicide.

When non-intervention is criminal

We found out what grown-up children should do, but what should the little ones do? Who should preschoolers go to, who should they count on? On other adults - father, relatives, neighbors, passers-by, fellow travelers. Indifference in such cases can be criminal, and if behind the wall there is swearing, regular children's sobs, sounds indicating violence, it is necessary to intervene!

I once read discussions in which people shared non-standard ways to solve various social problems. One forum member wrote: “New neighbors moved in, and on the very first evening a masterly obscenity sounded from their apartment. And female. At first I thought it was coming off on my husband, but no, on my little daughter. I listened for a day, two, and on the third I wrote a letter in which I colorfully told what I thought, where I would turn, what consequences awaited the loud-voiced, unrestrained madam. That’s it, the screaming has stopped!” I believe, since tyrants are often cowardly, it is enough for them to understand that you are aware and are not going to remain silent. Other approaches are possible, but ignoring any manifestation of aggression towards children is unacceptable!

Mom is annoying for no reason: what's wrong?

But it’s one thing when a daughter understands perfectly why her mother is annoying and what kind of differences in views, life goals and characters lead to conflicts. And another thing is when, formally, the mother does not do anything wrong and does not even resort to psychological manipulation - but there is a feeling of irritation with her, and constantly! A special problem in this situation is that the woman begins to blame herself for her negative feelings and suffer from the fact that she is a bad and very wrong daughter...

In fact, we need to look at this situation not with the question “what’s wrong with me?” or “what’s wrong with my mother”? Neither you nor she are bad, neither of you can be called a “wrong” daughter or mother. The point is that you are different!

Perhaps you are freaking out about the shuffling of your mother’s slippers around the apartment, not because your parent is a harmful and “toxic” person, but simply because you would like to live on your own and not hear any shuffling of anyone’s slippers! Or live separately with your husband and hear only male footsteps in your apartment.

In addition, keep in mind that no matter how good your mother is, you have to “keep face” to a certain extent the entire time you are in her tracking zone. You automatically put on a routine smile on your face ten times a day for the sake of your mother, in order to avoid the questions “oh, why are you so sad and silent, what happened?” Of course you talk to her. You have to explain some of your actions (not because your mother is against it, but because you can’t remain silent if you are in the midst of preparing dinner, and she comes into the kitchen and asks “oh, what are you cooking here?”) . All these moments are an inevitable expenditure of “emotional energy”. Even if no one quarrels with anyone, for many people it is everyday communication that takes away a lot of this emotional energy, and it is not limitless for all of us! As a result, a feeling of fatigue and emotional exhaustion arises out of nowhere. Your relationship with your mother may be good, but you no longer have enough enthusiasm for deep, productive communication with other people who are no less important to you (husband, friends, etc.). Hence, irritation is quite natural.

Talk frankly

Does your mom make you angry? Have you ever talked to her about this? Are you ashamed to admit that a woman annoys you? But it’s not her herself that irritates you, but her behavior or character traits. Mom may not notice that she is causing you inconvenience. Talk to your loved one and explain that you are unhappy with her behavior. A person who appreciates and loves you will reconsider his attitude towards you and try to change himself so that you feel more comfortable coexisting with him. But remember: when you begin to openly criticize a person, he may begin to criticize you back. Be prepared for this.

What to do with a relationship that has become toxic?

As soon as you realize that you need to change your relationship with a loved one, it means you are ready to accept the situation and look for a way out. A psychologist can help with this and teach you how to build your own boundaries. But it is worth understanding that the result of such work may be the parent’s reluctance to communicate with an “inconvenient” child.

How to deal with toxic relationships:

Admit that there is a problem.
Remember all the nuances of communication with your mother, starting from early childhood.
Understand that toxic relationships are not your fault.
Put your own emotions and feelings first: “How do I feel when my parent doesn’t hear me,” “What would I like from a family relationship.”
Identify what you lacked in communication with your mother. Surely you are trying to get the missing emotions from others. One of the techniques that the psychologist will suggest is to try to give yourself what you did not receive from your parent. For example, your mother never praised you. So, constantly praise yourself.
Set your own boundaries where you can let in those people you want. This is your personal territory, and even your mother has no right to enter there without permission.

Getting rid of a toxic relationship with your beloved mother is very difficult. From early childhood, a child develops a clear attitude that mom is always right, and it is very difficult for him to abandon this stereotype. However, you need to gather your courage and realize how toxic relationships harm a person, ruin his life, and prevent him from building personal boundaries.

Why parents should not be justified

Everything is very simple. There is no need to try to come up with any explanations and look for logic in the spirit of “it’s your own fault.” If you wish, you can find hundreds of excuses, and such that you will cry over the plight of the sadists.

But for you, for your current mental well-being, this makes no sense. It's better to just accept reality:

- Yes, at that moment the parents chose to behave this way. Just like this boy chooses to torture the cat. And they are responsible for it.

"Dislike"

“It would be better if I hadn’t given birth to you,” - as a rule, this phrase is thrown out in a fit of anger, and then regretted, but sometimes a mother may really not love her child. Indifference, cruelty, desire to withdraw, lack of sympathy and empathy often indicate such a banal, but still rare phenomenon.

“Some women experience postpartum depression, because of which they cannot find the strength to love their child,” says Victor Zaikin. Typically, postpartum depression goes away in the first years after childbirth, but sometimes it remains almost for life. “This trauma can remain with a woman if she is in difficult circumstances, due to which the child may begin to be associated with bad events and feelings, and not with the joy of motherhood,” explains the psychologist. In general, women who had a child in traumatic conditions may find it more difficult to learn love - it will require some effort.

Isn't your husband setting you up?

Have you noticed that your mom has started to annoy you lately? Think about whether your significant other is setting you up against the dearest woman in the world? Many men do not like their mothers-in-law, so they turn their wives against their mothers and thus alienate the older generation. If you notice that your husband criticizes your mother from time to time or makes jokes about her, stop such conversation. Say that it’s unpleasant for you to listen to nasty things about the woman you love, who gave birth to you and raised you.

How to behave with your mother if you cannot communicate calmly?

Your mother is annoying you - what should you do? To begin with, do not blame yourself for insufficient filial feelings and think about how realistic it is to limit your communication with her. Wanting to move away from your mother if you currently have to share one home is a completely natural desire of an adult. The more “toxic” the parent is, the more urgent the decision is not to sadly poke around in your own and your mother’s psychology, continuing to endure and suffer, but to move away, separate from her in the literal sense - by starting to live separately.

If for some reason this is impossible, try to change your life with your mother so that you have less conflict on sensitive topics that have long been buried in your quarrels.

For example, you can tell your mom that so be it - you won’t listen to music without headphones at night, but in no case are you going to give up veganism in favor of your mom’s cutlets. That is, the parent must understand that concessions on your part are possible in those aspects that directly concern her or other household members, but if the issue does not concern the comfort of others, then the daughter is already an adult and will do as she wants.

Psychology teaches that conflicts should not be extinguished, but resolved. Therefore, a completely worthy and adult decision is to ask your mother to respect your personal boundaries and not interfere in your life more than you would like. For example, don’t run into your room every half hour with some questions, don’t demand a report on how your day went and what you ate, don’t be interested in your boyfriends, girlfriends, the size of your salary, etc. If you want, you can tell it yourself, but if not, you are an adult woman with the right to keep your secrets.

If you live separately, but still have certain problems (say, your mother’s calls or her frequent visits without warning are annoying), also express exactly how much you would like to limit your communication. And also warn your mother what you will do if she begins to purposefully violate your requests. For example, visits no more than once a week (without emergency circumstances, of course) and only by prior agreement. If she suddenly decided to bring you borscht in a jar in the evening of a weekday, then you are not at home, or you are wearing headphones and cannot hear, or have already gone to bed. And so every time she violates what was asked of her. Calls can also be regulated - no longer than a few minutes (otherwise - “oh, I can’t talk anymore, my husband is calling, bye, hang up!”).

Remember - there is no “unpaid child debt” (at least because you did not ask your mother to give birth to you “on credit” - but she simply wanted a child, gave birth and raised him, that is, you). Not a single person on Earth, not even a blood relative, has the right to force you to do anything, limit your freedom, manipulate you, much less humiliate and devalue your personality. “Beautiful and Successful” advises not to forget about this and value first of all your comfort, both physical and psychological.

Website www.sympaty.net – Beautiful and Successful. The author is Daria Valerievna Blinova, journalist-observer. The article was checked by a special psychologist Olga Yuryevna Gryzlova. More information about the site's authors Copying this article is prohibited!

Testing

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If there are more pros than cons, you have a toxic mother.

Misjudgments

The main causes of girlish disorder regarding unacceptable (through the eyes of children) behavior of parents can be their following judgments:

“My mother loves my sister, but she hates me.” 50% of children living in families where there is more than one child think so. The eternal battle of lots between brothers and sisters regarding who receives more parental love is due to typical manifestations of youthful egoism. Often, these are, again, far-fetched beliefs of teenagers.
"My mom doesn't like my boyfriend." Another rather stupid belief that is common among many young girls. Any mother (especially of the Soviet type) does not accept her daughter’s relationship at such a young age in general, in principle. And this does not mean that she does not like the young man who is her daughter’s boyfriend; it only means that she considers any romantic relationship with her participation to be too premature.
“My mother doesn’t love me because I interfere with her life.” When girls hear various kinds of comments from their mothers, for example, regarding unsatisfactory academic performance or the inability to clean up after themselves, or about refusal to help with housework, at this age girls take everything with hostility. As a result, it seems to them that they are simply annoying their mother with their presence and feel completely misunderstood and unnecessary to their parents.

"You're doing everything wrong"

“I’m never right,” says Katya. When she talks about work, personal life, or just an unpleasant situation in the supermarket, mom uses this to once again emphasize that Katya, unlike the people around her, is behaving incorrectly. And when she decides to tell something truly personal or sad, mom changes the story so as to put Katya in a bad light, and then recalls this situation in order to humiliate her once again. “Money is the main criterion of success for my mother, while slightly different things are important to me,” says Katya. That is why her achievements and successes and even marriage with the person she really loves do not matter to her mother. She only reminds Katya that this man can betray her at any moment.

“Some mothers mistakenly believe that by hitting their child harder than the outside world can, they can prepare him for trials and problems. Let him feel bad, but at home, under my strict guidance,” says psychologist Viktor Zaikin. But such cruelty, as a rule, hurts and does not help to cope with difficulties at all; it only grows self-doubt.

Reality or fiction. Why doesn't a mother love her daughter?

We can talk about such misunderstandings for a long time. The word “misunderstanding” was used for a reason. After all, it is the misunderstanding between mother and daughter, and indeed between parent and child, that becomes the starting point, which later in the minds of young people is transformed into a problem on a more global level. “What should I do if my mother doesn’t love me?” - This question is often asked by those representatives of the younger generation who are confused in their own feelings and mutual understanding with their parents. Yes, unfortunately, today in society there are many families who neglect social norms and foundations, suffer from antisocial behavior, immoral lifestyle, erroneous habits and aspirations. This can be discussed endlessly. But the percentage of such unfavorable and unhappy families, compared to normal average families, is disproportionately small. And it is in normal, prosperous families that children are still often too biased towards their parents, and often towards their mothers. The slightest parental disagreement, criticism, remark or reproach is perceived by children as a serious insult, an injection, or a manifestation of negativity on the part of the mother. Or, even worse, indifference. For the most part, children are driven to such thoughts by youthful spontaneity and teenage subjectivity, the inability to assess the situation impartially.

Why can a mother not love her daughter? Is it because she doesn't do her homework on time? No. Is it because she doesn’t help her mother clean the house and manage the kitchen? Hardly. Because the mother has to sit with her grandson while her daughter manages her responsibilities at work and transfers maternal responsibility to the shoulders of the grandmother? Of course not. All these reasons are not sufficiently substantiated; they relate to the problem only indirectly. Is it worth blaming a woman for unloving who is offended by her child, flares up, or expresses her dissatisfaction? Also no.

Psychologists recommend that we value the time that we have and use it correctly: devote more time to our parents, listen to their advice, delight them with the appearance of grandchildren, make them happy with our frequent visits. No sane, conscious woman can help but love her child. And the existing problems are already derivatives of childhood fantasies, teenage exaggeration, and age-related crisis. You need to learn to understand your mothers, respect them, forgive them for their harshness. After all, the day will inevitably come when it will be too late to correct mistakes. So why not try to improve the relationship now?

Troubleshooting

When the offspring has not yet grown up and does not have financial independence, he practically cannot control such a situation. The responsibility during these years lies with the parents. Only by making special efforts on yourself can you eliminate the process of guilt. Sometimes you can’t do this on your own, so it’s best to seek advice from a psychotherapist.

When a child begins to think about this (usually this occurs at the age of 16 years and older), he himself can turn to a psychologist for help. Even if the child does not have pocket money, any educational institution employs a specialist psychologist who will provide free consultation.

Experts argue that the only way out of the situation is for the child to violate certain rules established by the parents. At first, the adult will repeat his pattern of behavior with even greater force, but as soon as he realizes that this no longer has an effect on his son or daughter, he will stop fighting for the unconscious formation of a sense of guilt in his child.

Signs of toxicity

Sometimes it happens that mothers differ from their natural purpose and deform the psyche of their own offspring. Self-perception, complexes, lack of confidence, behavior patterns are formed largely on the basis of relationships with mothers. Parents can nourish their offspring with care, affection and attention, or they can poison their existence. A toxic mother in adult children is a serious problem that needs to be addressed.

Below are typical signs of toxic mothers.

Mothers invariably violate the personal boundaries of their offspring, constantly demanding an account of whereabouts, current activities, and thoughts. They seem to “feed” on the lives of children, becoming more and more “insatiable”: they are no longer satisfied with the details that children are ready to share, so they persistently ask about personal things that children strive to keep for themselves. Often, such intervention goes beyond the parent-child interaction.

Toxicity is indicated by the emotional coldness of the mother, stinginess with praise and generosity with criticism, the desire to constantly belittle the child, and the tendency to shift responsibility to the offspring for their own well-being. And the older the children become, the more “brazen” the mothers become.

Mothers try to foster a sense of guilt. Usually, after any interaction with such parents, children feel empty. Whatever the son does, he always remains guilty. He always cares little, pays scant attention, and is not loving enough. A toxic mother finds a reason to reproach her child for everything.

Toxicity differs from the usual tactlessness and some absurdity with a feeling of regret and devastation after interacting with the parent.

What we are silent about: a psychologist tells how to understand that your mother has traumatized you