Love comes in different forms. It is foolish to think that there is one true way of love that motivates everyone. How many people there are, so many types of feelings, which are influenced by personal experience, worldview, character and the objective situation that develops between lovers. In this article we will reveal the types of love that the ancient Greeks spoke about, describing the versatility of the human soul. Can you find yourself?
So, 7 types of love:
• Ludus - consumer love
In such relationships between partners there is no true intimacy, only the desire to take what is to be. For example, intimacy, emotions, a sports trophy. A person by himself does not intend to invest anything, to share experiences and responsibility. He wants to play, enjoy attention, freedom and flaring passions. Love in this situation is superficial, people like the feeling of excitement, the anticipation of something new, a tick on the next list of victories. But, as soon as the result is achieved, they will switch to a new fantasy object.
Basic love languages
Each of us shows love in our own way. Some consider time spent on a person to be the most valuable resource, while others try to shower their partner with gifts. In relationships, it is important to be guided not only by your ideas about love, but also by the desires of your loved one. This will allow him to express his feelings in a language he understands.
In psychology, it is customary to distinguish five love languages:
- Words of encouragement. Some people find it important to hear words of approval and praise from a loved one. Gratitude and apologies are especially important for such people. You need to talk to them in a friendly tone.
- The second love language is time. In this case, we are talking about spending time together.
- There is a category of people who measure the degree of love with gifts. They try to give gifts to their loved one and expect similar actions from him.
- Another manifestation of love is help. It can concern both everyday matters and something global.
- Touch is considered the fifth love language. Tactile contact is very important in expressing your feelings. This includes hugs, kisses and light touches.
Love is a complex feeling that helps us deal with many of life’s difficulties. It is this that is at the heart of creating strong and harmonious relationships.
• Mania - love as addiction
Present in many romantic relationships early on. The threat begins when the obsession with a partner drags on in earnest. Such love has a destructive effect on all participants because it is built on the desire to possess and control. As a result, feelings are sucked into a whirlpool, forced to suffer, torment, abandon oneself, and live in constant tension. One feels pressure and runs away. The other pursues with all passion, losing himself, tormented by jealousy. Such love is destructive, somewhat reminiscent of the relationship between a torturer and a masochist.
• Eros – passionate love
Similar mechanisms operate here as with mania, but without a negative emphasis - love is mutual, lovers want to possess each other, enjoy the joys of intimacy, idealizing the relationship. It is from eros that families are often born: the attraction is so strong that you want to constantly be close, stroke each other, bask in the rays of love. And partners run down the aisle in order to perpetuate these feelings. Alas, over the years, eros fizzles out, stumbling over children, everyday life, life crises and the emerging imperfection of a partner. True, some manage to carry passion through many years of relationships.
What is needed for mutual love to arise?
Psychologist Elaine Hatfield, as a result of her research, came to the conclusion that in order for love to arise - mutual, bringing joy and satisfaction, or unrequited, leading to despair and depression - three factors must be present:
1. The timing is right. There must be (ideally, both) a willingness to fall in love with another person.
2. Similarity. It is no secret that people sympathize with those who are similar to themselves, not only externally, but also internally - they have similar interests, hobbies, and attachments.
3. Early attachment style. It depends on the personal characteristics of each person. A calm, balanced person is more capable of long-term relationships than an impulsive and impetuous one.
Psychologists strive to understand the nature of love, but at present it is unlikely that any of them will be able to answer the question of why and how this feeling appears. But the phenomenon of love certainly needs to be studied. After all, if you understand the patterns of this feeling, then the reasons for unsuccessful relationships, which can be avoided in the future, will also become clear.
• Agape – selfless love
This type of love can most clearly be seen between mother and child, when an adult accepts his child with all his heart, putting up with his imperfections, giving him all his tenderness, warmth and care. Unfortunately, in relationships between a man and a woman, agape can also have negative consequences - a imbalance in the energies of “giving” and “receiving.” When a lover is so devoted to his soul mate that he is ready to make any sacrifice for her happiness: forgive everything, accept everything, be an eternal donor and support, spitting on himself. This is bad because it depletes the relationship, the giver quickly runs out of steam, constantly bends, and loses boundaries. But in love, a two-way exchange of energy and preservation of the individuality of each partner is important.
What is love made of?
Psychologist Robert Sternberg proposes a theory according to which love consists of three essential components: intimacy, passion and commitment.
- Intimacy is closeness and mutual support, partnership. It increases as lovers get closer and may not manifest itself in a calm, measured life. However, in a crisis situation, when a couple has to overcome difficulties together, it is clearly expressed.
- Passion is a feeling of sexual attraction. It reaches its highest point at the beginning of a relationship, but stops growing in long-term ones. However, this does not mean that passion is absent in a long marriage - it simply ceases to be an important motivator for the couple.
- Commitment is the willingness to be faithful to another person. This is the only component of love that grows over time in any relationship - both long-term and short-term - and becomes an increasingly significant aspect.
• Storge – love based on a sense of duty
There is no romance or animal passion in such relationships. It’s just that two people have been together for so long, have experienced so much that they have become part of each other, “fused with roots.” Together they form a well-functioning mechanism, where each has their own role and a large share of responsibility. They will tear anyone apart for their family, because they are a continuation of each other. And even if their life is not seething with emotions, a sense of duty will not allow them to betray their partner, even if these two did not choose each other, even if they do not meet their ideals. The promise to be together through thick and thin is more important than any emotion.
Philia
The pinnacle of manifestation of philia is selfless friendship and sincere affection. Aristotle believed that a person can experience philia for another for three reasons: the other is useful to him; the other is pleasant to him and, above all, because the other is rational and virtuous. Friendship based on the latter is associated with mutual trust.
For Plato, the best friendship is that which lovers have with each other. This is philia, born from eros, which feeds and strengthens it, transforming it from lust into the desire to better understand and get to know each other, and after this the world around us.
True friends strive to live together honestly and openly, changing themselves and helping each other change for the better, and, in essence, play the role of therapist for each other.
• Philia – friendly love
Who said that only passion or a sense of duty can unite? Sometimes people are so interested in being together - talking and being silent, exploring the world, creating - that nothing more is needed. In such relationships there is no physical attraction (or there was some, but it has subsided over the years). But there is harmony of souls, equality of thoughts, division of interests. The partner simply likes to be together - listening to music, watching movies, going hiking, raising children, doing everyday things, acting as a team. They have the same attitude towards life. Therefore, in partnership they receive support for their ideas, views and projects.
Popular types of love - find out how you love
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Adult love based on mutual trust
This feeling presupposes not only absolute trust in each other, but also full support in any matter . This is the ideal formula for “adult” happy relationships - there are no unnecessary passions, there are no misunderstandings, a shoulder to lean on is always nearby, in any situation.
Such relationships are an example for those spouses whose family is built on passion. “Adult” love has been tested by time, it has already gone through “fire, water and copper pipes.” This is the kind of love most people dream of.
Love-passion
This is the same option when Cupid’s arrow suddenly pierces the area of the heart, all reasonable thoughts are washed away by a wave of all-consuming passion, and the power of feeling is so destructive that even family boats go to the bottom (if married people are suddenly “covered” with love).
Psychologists do not see any prospects for such relationships. This love is based on physical attraction; sober, sound judgment is not inherent in it; logic and a sense of self-preservation are absent.
Oddly enough, this type of love is the second most common. But, as history, statistics and the experience of many couples show, love-passion extremely rarely ends with a happy ending “they lived happily ever after.” More precisely, almost never.
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• Pragma – rational love
This type of love occurs when people seek a comfortable relationship. But not for financial gain (although not without it), but to meet an ally with whom you can confidently walk through life. In such a couple, love is not as valuable as a coincidence of views, role models, and worldview in general. So that both spouses look at life in the same direction and do not devalue each other’s achievements. She is a housewife, he is a breadwinner. And everyone plays their role. This is an important quality, because without pragma, spouses will not have understanding. For example, why he doesn’t want children, but she does; why she spends all her time in the kitchen and does not travel with him across the mountain prairies; Why does he spend his last money on development instead of investing in his family? Without a coincidence of views, criticism, quarrels, condemnation begin - and the family quickly becomes unhappy.
As you can see, there are a lot of types of love; everyone chooses something different in accordance with their values, age, and experience. But it’s best to alternate one with the other, without taking any one idea to extremes, developing passion, friendship, flirtation, and responsibility.
Types of love in psychology - says Ph.D., psychologist Nadezhda Miroslavovna Baltsiy
The most famous and complete classification of types of love is borrowed from ancient Greek culture and remains relevant to this day. In each person, depending on his psychotype and age, the desire for a specific type of love may dominate, but “pure types” are practically never found.
- Eros (lust) . A strong, impulsive form of love based on the attraction of bodies. Correlates with passionate love, idealization of a partner and relationships with him. If a relationship is based only on eros, confrontation with reality often ruins it. However, if you include other types of love in a relationship, maintain and regulate the strength of passion, you can enjoy them for a long time.
- Philia (community) . This is the love of equals, based on the similarity of life values, interests, and views. Often arises as a result of the experience of overcoming life’s difficulties together, when a person can be called “one of our own.” In its pure form it is not at all erotic, but based on a sense of community, team “game”, friendship, philia can be a good help for long-term relationships.
- Storge (obligations) . Based on tolerance, care, tenderness, tolerance towards another person and his views. If philia manifests itself in friendship, then storge manifests itself in partnership, duty, and obligations. It often arises between people who have lived together for a long time, who strive for stability and are ready to give in to maintain the overall smooth background of the relationship, according to the principle “we are in the same boat.”
- Agape (acceptance) . It is often called sacrificial love because a person gives without asking for anything in return. But you should not equate it exclusively with sacrifice and humility, since you can give voluntarily from a state of abundance and well-being, when “payment” for love is simply not needed. This is the unconditional and selfless love, for example, of a parent for his child, regardless of his strengths and weaknesses. In a pair of two equal people, agape supports and nourishes the development of each of them.
- Ludus (game) . The basis is play, flirting, having fun for the sake of pleasure itself. Brings lightness and excitement to relationships. This type of love is often underestimated, focusing on its egocentrism, consumerism and volatility, and therefore ludus cannot become the basis of a long-term relationship. But, if we consider this type of love as the cherry on the cake, then ludus enlivens the routine with pleasant emotions and diversifies life with the same partner. Of course, you need to notice your partner’s interests and desires.
- Mania (obsession) . It is based on an obsessive thirst for possession of an object of love. There is a place for passion and jealousy, sacrifice and anger, aggression and dependence on the object. Since a person in mania is haunted by the fear of losing a loved one, he is almost constantly in a state of tension, suffering in attempts to enjoy. In its mild form, mania manifests itself in devotion, and in its severe form, it manifests itself in love addiction.
- Pragma (exchange) . A rational type of love, when each partner contributes something to the relationship. Equating it exclusively to a “marriage of convenience” is unjustified, since the exchange may include things that are not material or status at all. Pragma is the result of reasonable discussion, compromises and agreements, which is what many couples often strive for after a period of “storm of passions”.
Each type of love has its own value and allows you to create your own “recipe” for harmonious relationships in a couple. Therefore, depending on your preferences, love can be experienced in very different ways.
