However, among the huge variety of relationship styles, five main trends can be identified, five more or less harmonious (as well as more or less new) models of marriage unions. And, if you can recognize one of them as your own, others will remind you of the families of friends, parents or neighbors.
Why is this classification needed? First of all, it will allow you to figure out what tasks your union has. What is it based on? How are roles distributed within the family, does everyone have a personal territory, how do you resolve conflicts. Perhaps this will be a discovery, but it happens that the relationship between spouses goes beyond love affairs. “In the public consciousness there has always been an ideal image of “true, fateful love,” which one day should come to us and solve all our problems,” the expert states.
Find your model
Life together does not rest on the feeling of endless love alone. “You need to work on relationships,” says Jean Kellerhal. “This structure consists of many floors and looks more like a well-thought-out project than a gift of fate. Agree, even the most romantic natures have to reckon with such non-romantic components of relationships as the distribution of power in the family, personal space or shared funds.”
Perhaps it is the awareness of the multifaceted nature of relationships that will allow you, if difficulties arise, to reconsider and work out some details of your life together, and not to give up everything and leave.
How is the model chosen on the basis of which relationships in a marriage are built? “This largely depends on the age of the partners, their occupation and their social environment,” explains the sociologist. — If you are young, you both have higher education, you live in the city and strive for personal development and professional success, then most likely your style is family-association. While your parents' life probably followed a more traditional family-fortress model.
However, it is quite possible that in your case a certain cocktail has arisen with elements of other relationships or two models of marriage unions at the same time. Be that as it may, a certain style in a relationship emerges quite quickly. It often changes due to the birth of the first child: in this case, the spouses can move from a family of association to a family of associates. However, after the birth of the first child, the style will no longer change. At least, if you don’t specifically set yourself such a goal.”
Family relationship styles
“Dear ones scold - they only amuse themselves,” says popular wisdom. But, as practice shows, it is frequent quarrels that cause a young family to break up. Unfortunately, the number of divorces is steadily increasing. And if we add to this the imaginary number of “dispersed” unregistered marriages, the figure becomes simply terrible. Perhaps the problem is that we (due to our youth and inexperience) do not have a clear idea of how to build relationships in the family. But there is no particular difficulty here.
Psychologists believe that even the first quarrels between lovers are an indicator of what their future family life will be like. Already in these stressful moments of the candy-bouquet period, it is obvious how family members will distribute roles among themselves in their union, and what can come of it.
We invite you to take a short test “Relationship styles in the family.” It will help you understand how roles are distributed in your family, who and how can best resolve the conflict. Does each of you have your own personal territory? Are you ready to make concessions and seek compromises? It may very well be that this very simple test will help you see something new in yourself and your partner, and someday help you save your love and family.
Test “Relationship styles in the family”
First, let's imagine the situation: there are a couple of weekends ahead that you can spend with your spouse. The only question is how to carry them out! Because after a week of work, a man dreams of lying down on his favorite sofa in front of the TV screen, and you certainly want to go to the forest, into the fresh air. Or another option: he is eager to go fishing with friends, and you have planned a visit to his parents and a quiet dinner with the whole family.
So, the discussion turns into a serious argument, and you...
Now you have to choose the scenario that is closest to your relationship.
Option 1.
One of you stubbornly stands his ground, not even wanting to hear the partner’s wishes. No arguments can change his decision: “Only this way and no other way!” The second has no choice but to reconcile and submit to the will of the domestic tyrant.
Experts call this nature of relationships in the family an avoidance style .
Option 2.
You sit down together at the negotiating table and look for a compromise solution that will suit both of you. After listening to all the desires and arguments, both partially sacrifice their interests (for example, lie in bed until lunch, and then go to the nearest park for a walk) or develop a third option, which will become an alternative.
Psychologists characterize this option as a style of compromise .
Option 3.
One of you agrees with the other's wishes. But he makes a promise that next time everything will certainly come true according to his scenario. He clearly does not want to aggravate your relationship, so he is trying to negotiate peacefully.
This behavior is called an accommodation style .
Option 4.
If each of you insists on his own, using shouting, tears, reproaches and accusations, or even blackmail, then the dispute develops into a real conflict. Perhaps after a few minutes you won’t even remember what exactly you quarreled about. But the mood will be thoroughly spoiled for both. And everyone will believe that the other is to blame.
There is clearly a competitive style that never brings anyone any good.
Option 5.
You patiently and calmly explain to each other the reasons for your desires. And, of course, listen to each other carefully and respectfully. And suddenly it turns out that the partner can be understood - without sacrifice and blackmail, without compromises and disputes.
After all, in fact, all 4 previous options lead to the destruction of the family, although they sometimes seem to be completely acceptable options. But they give rise in the soul of one of the partners to a hidden resentment (compromise style), eternal dissatisfaction (accommodation style), a feeling of humiliation (avoidance style), hopelessness and embitterment (competition style). One way or another, this leads to alienation of the spouses, to psychological disunity.
Sooner or later, the spouse, who has always given in, will suddenly rebel and want to change the situation. This means that any concessions and compromises will ultimately cause a serious conflict. Such relationship problems in the family break love and partnership.
And only the 5th option - the style of cooperation - is capable of giving spouses a sense of full equality, maintaining personal space and mutual respect. This is the only wise, competent and effective way to resolve intra-family conflicts. And it is he who can become a strong foundation for a couple’s relationship.
Union-fortress: “Both in joy and in sorrow”
Priorities. These partners are tightly connected to each other, they experience hardships and joys together, dreaming of “living happily and dying on the same day.” Sharing each other's tastes, they always try to come to a common opinion.
Their individuality stems from the word “we”: together they work to ensure that the husband achieves professional success (the wife often does not work), and also educates the children. Partners value consensus and unity of opinions. A good couple, they believe, is one within which there are almost no disagreements.
Distribution of roles. One of the partners’ tasks is to reduce the number of reasons for dissatisfaction. Their daily life consists of many rituals: there is a place and time for everything, and the roles of each family member are clearly defined. Here, more often than in other unions, responsibilities are distributed depending on the gender of the spouse: it is assumed that the wife takes care of the house, and the husband earns money. Nevertheless, partners make decisions together.
Relations with the world. The wife rarely goes out. She tends to view influences from the outside world—new ideas and trends—as more of a threat. The husband shows more interest in innovations, different ways of living and ways of thinking. He is a kind of “authorized representative” of the couple, who is responsible for “external relations” and the social integration of the family. The wife is rather focused on “internal issues”: security, care, tenderness. This complementarity increases the dependence of family members on each other.
Advantages and disadvantages. The main trump card of a fortress family is stability. When partners take on certain responsibilities, life becomes more harmonious. Spouses try to avoid clashes by giving up some of their positions. When solving problems, they prefer traditional, proven methods. Peaceful life in the “fortress” borders on routine. Such relationships can become “numb” if the partners do not start new projects from time to time.
Psychologists and teachers told COLADY more about parenting styles
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- The liberal type of relationship between adults and children is inherent in the most democratic families. This type of relationship is based on the fact that parents are the authority, but they listen to the opinions of their children and take them into account. In a family where a liberal type of communication reigns, the child observes discipline and certain rules, but at the same time he knows that his parents will always listen and support him. Children who grew up in such a family are usually very responsive, know how to control themselves, are independent, and confident. This type of communication in the family is considered very effective, as it helps not to lose contact with the child.
- Indifferent parental style is the most anarchic. In a family where a permissive style of communication reigns, anarchy most often flourishes, since the child is given too much freedom. The child becomes a dictator for his own parents and does not take anyone in his family seriously. Parents in such families most often spoil their children a lot and allow them more than they allow other children. The first consequences of such communication in the family will begin immediately after the child goes to kindergarten. In kindergartens there are clear rules, and children in such families are not accustomed to any rules at all. The older a child raised in a “permissive family” becomes, the more problems there will be. These children are not used to restrictions and believe that they can do whatever they want. If a parent wants to maintain a normal relationship with such a child, then boundaries should be set for the child and forced to follow the rules of behavior. You cannot start scolding a child when you are already tired of his disobedience. It is better to do this when you are calm and able to explain everything without unnecessary emotions - this will help the child understand what exactly you expect from him.
- The authoritarian type of relationship between adults and children in the family is based on strict submission and violence. This type of relationship implies that parents expect too much from their children. Children in such a family usually have extremely low self-esteem, and sometimes they have complexes about their skills and their appearance. Parents in such families behave very freely and are completely confident in their authority. They believe that children should completely obey them. Moreover, quite often it happens that the parent cannot even explain his demands, but simply puts pressure on the child with his authority. Read also: Negative consequences of family conflicts for a child. For offenses and non-compliance with the rules, the child is severely punished. Sometimes they punish for no reason - simply because the parent is not in the mood. Authoritative parents do not show feelings for their child, so very often children begin to doubt whether they love him at all. Such parents do not give the child the right to choose (very often even work and a spouse are the parents’ choice). Children of authoritative parents are accustomed to obeying unquestioningly, so it is quite difficult for them at school and at work - weak people are not liked in teams.
In their pure form, these types of relationships can be found very rarely. Most often, families combine several communication styles. The father may be authoritarian, but the mother adheres to “democracy” and freedom of choice.
Style 5
The spouses conduct peaceful negotiations, patiently listening to each other and respecting the wishes of the “opponent.” During the negotiations, it turns out that the husband, for example, wanted to announce his promotion to a circle of close people, and therefore insisted on a family dinner. The wife dreamed of confessing her eternal love to her husband in a romantic setting (autumn forest, golden foliage) and saying that she was pregnant. As a result, they spend a wonderful day in the forest with their parents and close friends, celebrating two significant events at once!
Experts highlight the style of cooperation here.
Let's take the test!
Spouses are faced with the problem of choice every day. Every day they make decisions, adapt, compromise, abandon their interests for the sake of the interests of their partner, and look for ways to resolve conflicts.
It is precisely such situations that are the most revealing; they can tell about the future of a given family.
So, I suggest you take a little test. Imagine the situation: you have a couple of free days, and you and your spouse are deciding how to spend them. The husband, for example, wants to lie down on the couch, and you drag him into the forest to pick mushrooms, or he wants to go to his parents for a quiet family dinner, and you are planning a grand party with the participation of your mutual friends.
An argument breaks out between you, and you...
There are five possible situations and the same number of ways to resolve the conflict. So…
Style 4
Each spouse stands on his own and tries his best to realize his desire. Orders, screams, reproaches, accusations, hysterics, and tears are used. Both husband and wife insist on their option, in no way wanting to make concessions. A dispute flares up: “Either dinner with the family, or nothing. And if you love me, you will agree!” and in response: “If you loved me, this conversation would not even begin. That’s it, I’m calling my friends and inviting them!” The dispute turns into a conflict: “Well, if you don’t want to give in, then what kind of relationship can we talk about?”
There is a style of rivalry with all the ensuing consequences.
