Mutual respect between spouses
Of course, a child learns a lot in the social institutions he attends - kindergarten and school. There, many moral concepts are explained and instilled in the children: patriotism, friendship, kindness, etc. However, a child can hear hundreds of times words about the need to respect adults, in particular his parents, but if at home he does not observe a respectful attitude towards each other from his mother and father , then all this will remain just an abstraction for him.
A husband and wife should never point out each other's shortcomings in front of a child, especially since insults are unacceptable. All comments must be made tactfully.
It is unacceptable for spouses to make sarcastic remarks to each other in front of the child, rudely point out shortcomings, much less use insults
If it is customary in a family to make fun of each other, then the child also begins to get carried away; he does not understand that, despite the jokes, parents still need to be respected and obeyed. This style of communication is best avoided in front of children.
Spouses need to show mutual respect more often, say compliments, polite words, provide small but important signs of attention (dad to let mom go first, give a hand, help take a bag, etc.). The child, of course, notices that the parents value each other and begins to treat them accordingly.
Observing the caring and respectful attitude of parents towards each other, the child begins to treat them the same way
My son was visiting a classmate and witnessed how his mother began to insult his father with obscene words simply because he had prepared dinner incorrectly for their arrival. Although in fact it was generally worth praising my husband for cooking. Observing such an attitude towards his father (who, in turn, listened to all this in silence), a little son may wonder whether it is worth respecting his dad if his mother does not respect him.
If suddenly a son or daughter speaks impudently to one of the parents and is rude, the other one should under no circumstances remain indifferent to this. Likewise, you should not speak negatively about your other half in her absence with the child. For example, instead of saying “Be sure to clean up before dad arrives, otherwise he will swear!” Mom should say, “Let’s please dad and let’s do the cleaning before he arrives - he loves order so much.”
It is very useful to organize family evenings, at least once a week. At the same time, all household members are not just in the same room, each passionate about their own business, but they unite over some activity - a board game, reading a book, watching a good family movie, etc.
A wonderful tradition is family evenings, when the whole family unites over some activity, for example, a board game.
Characteristic manifestations
The fact that a child does not respect his father or mother can be manifested by various behavioral features:
- refuses to do housework;
- deliberately stains everything;
- steals money;
- invites friends to the house and even throws parties when no adults are present;
- uses profanity when communicating with parents, insults them;
- takes cosmetics and clothes of parents without permission;
- extorts money;
- idle, does not want to do anything;
- does not care for a pet, if any;
- interferes in the personal life of his father and mother.
If you are familiar with such manifestations, then you need to understand that a certain share of the blame lies on your shoulders.
Personal example: mom and dad’s respect for their own parents
It is difficult for mom and dad to teach a child to respect themselves if they themselves do not respect their own parents. Of course, this can be difficult if a young family lives with members of the older generation. Grandparents interfere in the upbringing of their grandson and reproach their adult children. The latter respond to this with rudeness. The baby absorbs this behavior like a sponge, perceiving it as the norm.
Of course, sometimes it is difficult to show respect for the elderly if a young family lives with them
To avoid generational conflict, of course, a young family should try to live separately. At the same time, you need to constantly show your son or daughter a respectful attitude towards the older generation. Everyone should regularly visit grandparents together, call in front of the child and ask about their health, and give small but pleasant gifts.
You and your children need to regularly visit elderly relatives and inquire about their health.
The baby understands everything at an early age, including the adult’s manner of speaking and the tone of his voice. For example, when a mother brushes aside her grandmother’s advice on the phone (“How much can you teach me about life, I’m not a little girl!”), the little daughter learns this attitude and can respond similarly to her mother a few years later.
It is very important not to speak disparagingly about old people in their absence, not to get annoyed with them. For example, “grandfather has gone completely crazy” or “grandmother has multiple sclerosis - how many times can you say the same thing.” After all, today children know more from the words of their parents about the shortcomings of their relatives than about their merits and advantages.
Is it good to call parents by name?
It is very important to try to anticipate the consequences of your actions.
Let's say a mother teaches her child to call her by name. She thinks it's original. Having heard that in this way she is depriving herself of uniqueness in the eyes of a child, the woman will be quite amazed and, perhaps, even indignant. What nonsense?! On the contrary, she is special! All children call their mothers in the standard way - “mom”, and she is Alena (Tanya, Natasha)! But this is only at the most cursory, superficial glance. If you dig deeper, it turns out that the originality of this approach is illusory. After all, there is only one mother for every person (although the word is the same for everyone). But there will be as many Alen, Tanya and Natasha in a child’s life.
Or take the already mentioned “partnership relationship” with a child. Mom doesn’t want to grow old, but wants to remain a girl almost until retirement. But the girl can be treated patronizingly at best. What does respect for the mother have to do with it?
And others subconsciously look for a “steady male hand” in a child, which they lack in life for one reason or another. And they allow their son not only to boss him around, but also to make rude advances. Surprisingly, now sometimes we have to explain seemingly obvious things: that it is absolutely unacceptable when a little son slaps his mother on the backside or grabs her breast. Not everyone now understands that these are signs of sexual disinhibition, which is very dangerous for the child’s psyche, and instead of stopping such behavior, they giggle. And some adults (including the child’s father or those who are also used to seeing grandparents on TV) may even egg on the boy, believing that “a real man is growing up in the family.” But expecting respect from such “real” people is simply ridiculous.
Remember to respect other adults
Of course, the child is not confined to the family circle. And it is problematic to instill in him respect for mom and dad if they themselves are selfish, cynical and disdainful of others (even if they value their own parents).
Of course, there is no need to demand from your son or daughter to unquestioningly obey all adults, to help them - after all, they are often wrong and behave boorishly themselves.
One day, my little son and I were standing at the checkout counter in a store with a large basket of groceries. An old lady stood behind me, and I politely told her that another cash register was vacant nearby. In response to this, the woman rudely told me that there was no need to tell her - she herself knew what to do. Children, of course, notice such moments and treat them with bewilderment.
Show your authority
Children often do not feel the boundaries of what is permitted, so parents must set clear and understandable restrictions for them. So, you always need to stop rudeness, rudeness, and disobedience. In this case, you do not need to use the phrases “That’s not how you talk to your mother” or “What kind of tone is that!” Let the son or daughter feel the consequences of his action - he will lose cartoons for the day, the opportunity to play a computer game or buy the desired toy, and next time the child will already monitor his behavior (naturally, physical punishment is unacceptable). He will know that the parent can really punish, and not just threaten, and it is better to take into account his demands.
6. The child must understand the boundaries of what is permitted, know that an offense may be followed by real punishment, and not just threats.
Yes, of course, every family has its own foundations and its own methods of education. But firmly showing your child a short and clear list of what is unacceptable in your family is one of the main tasks of parents.
For example, that someone who slammed the door and did not spend the night at home without permission will find this door closed when he wants to return. That the one who insults grandma no longer sits at the same table with us and is not included in general conversations.
Perhaps the position is tough. But how else can a teenager grow up and really feel like an adult, and therefore right, wrong, with actions that were noticed and appreciated. Sometimes it’s like this. But more often than not - with good adult actions, with decisions that the parents agreed with.
S. V. Shapotailo
https://www.all-psy.com/ks/kak-vospitat-detyam-uvazheniye-k-starshim.html
An analogy can be drawn with educators and school teachers. There are kind, but too lenient teachers. And children do not miss the opportunity to take advantage of this - they do not listen to them, while not feeling any hostility towards the adult. It’s just how guys are designed – they can’t miss an opportunity to have fun if it’s not stopped.
In addition, mom and dad should tell the baby more about themselves. The child must know the tastes, hobbies, and skills of the parent in order to see in him an interesting person who deserves respect (but many schoolchildren cannot say when, for example, their mother’s birthday is, or what color her eyes are).
Parents should tell their children more about themselves - after all, it’s easier for an interesting personality to earn respect
It is also important to read works of fiction to your child more often on the topic of respect for parents: fairy tales, poems, stories, legends. Some of them vividly depict the consequences of disrespect for parents (for example, the Nenets folk tale “Cuckoo”).
To maintain parental authority, coordination between mom and dad is very important. For example, if one prohibits a child from going to bed late, then the other should not allow this. Similarly, it is necessary to stop discrediting the personality of an adult on the part of the older generation: for example, when a grandmother treats her adult daughter as if she is stupid and scolds her in front of the child.
According to WHO, adolescents are one of the most vulnerable groups
A teenager is just entering adulthood; he lacks life experience and tools for coping with problems. At the same time, teenagers actively need new experiences - sometimes this pushes them to rash actions or risky behavior.
From a physiological point of view, there are some peculiarities: the body changes, hormonal changes occur. All this affects the sense of self and attempts to understand oneself.
Mental development in high school age is in a fairly active phase. The prefrontal cortex, which is involved in decision making, analyzing situations, understanding one's emotions and the emotions of others, completes its development only by age 25. And teenagers are forced to function at the limit of their capabilities, not always understanding how to cope with the demands and conditions of life.
A simple example of the influence of physiology is that teenagers do not like to go to bed on time. The point here is that the sleep hormone melatonin begins to be produced in most adults around 10 pm, and in teenagers - closer to 1 am, which is why many people really don’t want to go to bed early. But in the morning they need to get up to study, and that number of hours is not always enough to get enough sleep. Combined with heavy study loads, the result is a person who lives intensely during the day and does not have time to rest at night.
From a psychological point of view, adolescents are characterized by actively defending their boundaries: they try in every possible way to prove their maturity, often dispute certain points for the sake of the argument itself, and react very painfully if they do not agree with them.
Teenage irritability has a lot to do with the intensity of the emotions a person experiences. This can be compared to the feeling of someone cranking up all the sounds around you to the maximum: it is very difficult to make decisions and exist in such realities.
A teenager also goes through an important stage in the development of his sexuality: he associates himself by gender and sexual orientation. And for some, this period can become a serious problem if they face rejection from their environment or family.
From the point of view of behavior, by the age of 14 a person is less and less oriented towards his parents and their opinions, and strives to take his place in society. And the teenager becomes more sensitive to rejection: because of appearance, physique, success, popularity on social networks and much more. Many people face bullying against this background - and this is not only situations when a group of offenders insults or beats the victim, it can also be cyberbullying and ignoring. About 50% of schoolchildren have this experience.
Vulnerability due to rejection can feel like physical pain to a teenager. Therefore, it is very important for him to find his place, to surround himself with a company that will understand and can be trusted.
Problems often arise with trust in friends: teenagers encounter betrayal for the first time and gain negative experience, which is why they need support from more experienced people.
Do not forget that adolescence is a period of stormy and short-term romantic relationships, which clearly does not add stability to life.
All this makes this population group very vulnerable. This is confirmed by WHO statistics: more than half of all mental disorders begin before the age of 14, and one of the most common causes of death between the ages of 15 and 19 is suicide. Therefore, teenagers are not just irritable people, they are actually vulnerable children in many ways, to whom demands are often made as if they were adults.
Respect for the child himself
Before demanding self-respect from a child, parents themselves must see in him a person who requires appropriate treatment. So, from childhood you need to listen to the child’s opinion, seek advice on everyday issues (“Do you like the dress I’m wearing?”), give him the opportunity to choose (“What tights do you want to wear to kindergarten today?”, “What homework should I do first?” Let’s do it - in Russian or mathematics?”), to see him as an interesting interlocutor. The child will feel that he is taken into account, his opinion is valued, and will be grateful to adults for this.
You need to see a child as an individual who has the right to choose, to have his own opinion.
If the baby doesn’t understand something, it is unacceptable to say in an unquestioning tone, “Because I said so!” This is not an argument, but a manifestation of disrespect for the child - he will simply feel worthless and insignificant. Parents must explain in detail exactly how to behave in a given situation.
This attitude on the part of adults is the same as sitting at home with a cigarette and teaching a child not to smoke.
Love for a smart little one quickly fades as he grows up. A grown-up child is insolent, rude, rude, and ignores.
Yes, but the question was asked “How to educate children to respect adults” - why am I writing about the need to respect children?
Because if we don’t show respect to a child of any age, we don’t teach him to show respect to us. He just doesn't see a positive example. If there are constant scandals in the family, if there is no friendship between parents, then it is difficult to respect the child.
It is not simple. This is sometimes impossible. But look at yourself from the outside - who you are: an angry, irritated parent who constantly points out shortcomings or a patient, attentive, demanding and persistent friend who respects himself and others.
V. P. Belyanin, psychologist
https://www.all-psy.com/ks/kak-vospitat-detyam-uvazheniye-k-starshim.html
We ourselves set a bad example for our children when a child calls a parent to play or read, but the parent sits on gadgets. Not always playing, perhaps this is how he makes money. At every opportunity, when a child cries, is hysterical, or capricious, a modern parent, instead of finding words of consolation, thrusts a smartphone with cartoons on the child in order to calm him down.
E. A. Safina, psychologist
https://www.all-psy.com/ks/kak-vospitat-detyam-uvazheniye-k-starshim.html
Respect is never one-sided. This is a purely reciprocal process. You cannot respect by order - just as you cannot force love.
If I want my child to respect me, I will learn to respect him: ask his wishes, respect his boundaries: do not read a personal diary, do not check his pockets, do not open personal letters. Learning to cope with his anxiety - what if he was recruited??? And this is not a love letter, but something worse! Learn not to yell at him or ignore him. Don’t assert yourself at his expense, saying that he’s too young to understand this.
Then, perhaps, I’ll get a chance that, as an adult, he won’t scream back, won’t want to rub my nose in with his ability to handle gadgets, won’t send me to the dustbin of history. And he wants to hear, understand, talk.
I. S. Rozanova, psychologist
https://www.all-psy.com/ks/kak-vospitat-detyam-uvazheniye-k-starshim.html
How should a parent behave with a teenager?
Any parent can say that they want the best for their child and want them to be happy.
And here’s the situation: a child was relaxing somewhere with friends, he arrives an hour later than the agreed time, happy and contented, but for the last hour and a half his phone has been unavailable.
Are his parents happy with his happiness in this situation? A teenager may hear that his mother’s nerves are all torn, and his father has added gray hair - his positive emotions are faced with rejection from his parents. And here it is important that adults share where their happiness is and where the happiness of their children is.
Second example: parents' expectations for their children. Many people dream of their child becoming a great artist, scientist or athlete. But behind these expectations, the parent often ceases to see the true needs of his child. Therefore, if adults dream of hearing the sound of a violin in their apartment, then they can learn to play themselves, and not try to realize their needs at the expense of children.
Often parents want to appear unshakable and all-knowing, which makes them unattainable. This increases the teenager's desire to separate even more. Therefore, it is important for a teenager to acknowledge their humanity, their fears and experiences. It’s absolutely normal to say: “I worry when you don’t answer the phone,” “It’s important for me to know that everything is fine with you.” This is better than the complaint: “Where have you been?!”
It is important to be honest with your teenager if you expect the same from him. If you create the illusion of your image, the child will subconsciously notice inconsistencies and feel this contradiction. If things aren't going well, it's absolutely okay to share it with your teen and listen to their opinion. This will serve as an example for him of how to share his experiences, show that this is normal and can help. In this situation, it is important not to go too far and not turn the child into a vest that you can cry on. Everything should be within the framework of supporting each other.
An important issue is the authority of parents. On the one hand, the child questions it, but on the other hand, he still continues to depend on his parents and cannot solve all the issues on his own.
Therefore, an adult needs to maintain a certain balance: to build relationships not through interrogations, which strengthen the authoritarian position of the parent and provoke them to move away, but to be interested in the teenager’s hobbies and relationships that are important to him. The fact is that in the first situation the child does not feel that they are interested in him: the parents are interested in some by-products of his life.
