Emotional intelligence is the key to successfully interacting with others

Communication with new people

We learn to empathize when we spend time with new people, according to a 2015 study by a group of Swiss scientists. Positive experiences with other social groups help a person understand that their experiences are not unique and create a better emotional connection with others.

Why emotional intelligence is so important

Life shows that smart people do not always achieve success and high social status. Surely you remember a couple of people who have excellent academic knowledge, but at the same time are socially incompetent both at work and in their personal lives.

A high IQ does not guarantee success in your career and family. Yes, it will help you get into a prestigious educational institution, but only emotional intelligence will help you when you need to calm down your emotions before final exams. In tandem, IQ and EQ reinforce each other.

Thus, emotional intelligence affects:

• School performance and productivity at work. Emotional intelligence will help you navigate complex social relationships in the workplace, become a leader and motivate others, and succeed in your career. Many companies evaluate the emotional intelligence of candidates during interviews, considering it no less important than professional competencies.
• Physical health. If you can't manage your emotions, you probably can't manage stress. This can lead to serious health problems. Uncontrolled stress increases blood pressure, suppresses the immune system, increases the risk of heart attack, promotes infertility and accelerates aging.
• Mental condition. Uncontrolled emotions and stress affect mental health, making us vulnerable to anxiety and depression. If you don't manage your own emotions, you won't be able to build strong relationships. As a result, a feeling of loneliness and isolation will come.
• Relationship. By understanding and managing your own emotions, you will learn to express your attitude towards loved ones and feel those around you. This will allow you to communicate more effectively and build trust.

Stress

It has long been assumed that all stress causes people to react in such a way that they either withdraw into themselves, cope with an unpleasant situation, or run away from it. It is now known that a certain type of stress does not follow this pattern; rather than encouraging people to hide from others to protect themselves, it increases a person's capacity for empathy.

A 2022 study found that when a person experiences stress while performing a task, the area of ​​the brain that is responsible for empathy is activated.

During the experiment, 60 male students took a stress test and received negative emotions. They were then shown pictures of other people undergoing some kind of painful procedure. The more emotionally they felt about their negative experience with the stress test, the more they empathized with the strangers. Even if a person was experiencing a completely different type of stress, he was capable of greater empathy.

Mechanisms of emergence and development of empathy

Science explains the phenomenon of empathy by the presence of mirror neural networks, thanks to which, when observing the actions and states of other people, the parts of our own brain that are responsible for performing these actions or feeling these states are excited.

Empathy is based on a person’s understanding of emotions and feelings, therefore its main development occurs in the preschool period: young children begin to actively empathize with other people from the age of 3, and at the age of 4-6 years, the child’s basic empathy manifests itself in relation not only to loved ones, but and to all people in principle.

Already at the age of 5, a child can not only feel, but also reproduce the emotional experiences of others and associate them with certain actions. At the same age, children begin to distinguish emotions by expressive signs (facial expressions, pantomime, etc.), while verbal functions play a special role in recognition and understanding. The child most clearly recognizes and understands negative emotions.

During the preschool period, children also develop an understanding of more complex emotions associated with the development of feelings of a different order, which include aesthetic, intellectual, practical and higher (moral) feelings. Then the child begins to understand that sometimes emotions can be ambivalent, i.e. a person can simultaneously experience two contradictory feelings, and also that emotions are not always caused only by external factors, but sometimes they are influenced by internal, subjective factors.

In preschool age, empathy manifests itself in a quite vivid, one might say, even acute, form. Moreover, it is almost always embodied in the child’s actions: if he is happy for another, he may rush to hug him, if he is jealous of someone, he will definitely complain, etc.

It is important to note that a child’s emotional learning comes with serious difficulties; moreover, its results are much less stable than learning motor and sensory skills. But unstable manifestations of emotional responsiveness are a sign of the presence of pathology of varying severity.

Social factors play a special role in the formation of empathy. The sociality of emotions lies in the fact that they are acquired in the process of interaction with other people, and then on their basis the child’s perception of social norms and values, as well as “emotional standards” is formed, which for the rest of his life almost entirely determines how he relates to himself, communicates with other people and behaves in society. For example, a lack of understanding of social emotions can lead to aggressive behavior or increased levels of anxiety, which persist into adulthood.

Researchers identify two main reasons that lead to emotional disturbances and reduce the level of empathy: unfavorable relationships with other people and the child’s own world of experiences.

There are also a number of serious pathologies, the main symptoms of which are a complete lack of empathy and/or its impairment: autism, psychopathy and narcissistic personality disorder. Impaired empathy is found in the clinical picture of not only the above diseases, but in them it is most pronounced and is one of the main symptoms.

However, even among those people who are born with the ability to empathize, its level varies significantly.

Shared experiences with loved ones

A 2015 experiment at Montreal's McGill University found that our ability to empathize influences our negative experiences. People were asked to put their hands in ice water in the presence of strangers doing the same, and then in the presence of loved ones.

When friends were nearby, the experiment participants rated their discomfort from the water as greater. It turned out that when we experience negative situations near loved ones, we feel their pain.

However, it only took 15 minutes of playing video games together to form an empathic connection with strangers. Even after such a short time, the subjects began to project the pain of another person onto themselves.

What will help you develop emotional intelligence?

Self-knowledge

Psychologists argue that current experiences are a reflection of earlier emotional experiences. This means that your ability to perceive anger, sadness, fear and joy is likely influenced by the quality and intensity of your emotions early in life.

If you have valued and understood your emotions in the past, they will become valuable assets in the future. If the experience was painful and confusing, you will probably do everything possible to distance yourself from it. However, you should not distance yourself even from negative feelings, because acceptance and awareness of your emotional state is the key to understanding how experiences affect your thoughts and actions.

Ask yourself a few questions:

• Are the emotions accompanied by physical sensations in the stomach, throat, or chest?
• Have you ever experienced feelings that were clearly reflected in your facial expressions?
• Can you experience strong feelings that completely absorb your attention and the attention of others?
• Do you monitor your emotions when making decisions?

If there is even one negative answer, your emotions are suppressed or turned off. In order to have healthy emotional intelligence, you must open up to experiences and let them into your comfort zone.

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Here are the surest ways to improve self-knowledge:

• Practice mindfulness. That is, deliberately focusing attention on the present moment. Mindfulness is often associated with meditation in Buddhism, but most religions in the world practice something similar in the form of prayer. It relieves anxiety, calms and invigorates, and builds character.
• Keep a diary. At the end of each day, write down what happened to you, how you felt and how you dealt with difficulties. Periodically look back and analyze typical situations, note where you did not push or overdid it.
• Ask your loved ones who they see you as. Feedback from multiple people will reveal your strengths and weaknesses. Don't forget to record everything and look for patterns. The main thing is not to argue or object. It is important for you to look at yourself through someone else's eyes.

Self-control

Awareness of feelings is the first step to emotional management. You must use your emotions to make constructive decisions and behavior. When you become overly stressed, you may lose control and become less thoughtful.

Remember how easy it is to think rationally in a state of overstrain. Probably not. This happens because the brain withdraws from thought processes and switches to an overabundance of feelings.

Emotions are important pieces of information that tell us about ourselves and others. However, under stress, we become depressed and lose control of ourselves. Learn to cope with stress. This will help you control feelings and behavior, manage relationships, take initiative, follow through on commitments, and adapt to a changing world.

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So how can you learn self-control? Surely you have heard about the old-fashioned method of counting to ten when you are angry.

It is not always possible to suppress anger or depression, however, a physical push will be appropriate. If you feel tired, do some exercises. If you can't muster the strength, slap yourself in the face. In general, use any physical force that will produce mild shock and break the vicious cycle.

Empathy

We constantly focus on what is most important to us. However, our emotions are only half of the relationship. All other people also have their own feelings, desires, triggers and fears. Therefore, empathy is an extremely important life skill.

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Try out a few tips to help you become an empath:

• Talk less, listen more. This is the golden rule of any sincerely empathetic person. Of course, you cannot let the whole gamut of another person’s feelings pass through you, but you can try to hear him. Just let the person speak without interrupting him with your thoughts. This is difficult, especially if there are strong negative emotions. However, almost any connection will become stronger just because you wait an extra few seconds before engaging in conversation.
• Accept the opposite opinion despite your own position. To understand what motivates a person, you need to be in his place. If you think your boss is being reckless, try to justify it in your head. Perhaps you would do the same if you were in his shoes.
• Understand the difference between saying “I know” and “I understand.” The first indicates that you supposedly had a similar life experience. The second indicates that you thought about the situation and played it out on your own behalf. Of course, understanding other people’s problems is a more trusting and truthful level of relationship.

Empathy involves your reaction, but it must come at the right time. If someone is about to burst into tears or is in deep pain, don't try to numb the feelings. The person needs to express his emotions, and he will need your help.

Motivation

When we talk about motivation as a component of emotional intelligence, we mean the inner core, and not the psychological strength to get your body out of bed. As psychologists say, our core is located in the prefrontal cortex of the brain. She begins to be active at the mere thought of performing a significant task.

The goal can be a career, a family, a piece of art, or anything as long as it has significant meaning in your life. When motivation gets down to business, it combines with reality, and we take real actions. To start a family, motivated people start dating. To advance in their careers, motivated people undertake self-education.

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How to find your core? First of all, you need to find out your own values. Many of us are so busy that we don’t have time to dig into ourselves and determine our priorities. It’s even worse if a person does work that directly contradicts his worldview and principles.

Secondly, you should transfer your goal to paper and write it down in detail. At the same time, it is necessary to understand that great success is greatly extended over time. It consists of small victories and the bitterness of defeats.

Movies and books

Watching the plot of films, TV series or books develops our ability to understand other people. We have already talked about the experience of researchers from the University of Oklahoma, which showed that watching TV series helped experiment participants better recognize the emotions of others. Biographical, psychological or melodramatic plots develop the ability to empathize especially well.

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Watching other people

If you want to understand people better, develop psychological observation. Pay attention to the behavior of strangers on the street or on public transport: their facial expressions, gestures, the way they speak. Try to imagine what this person is experiencing now. It is not necessary to check your guesses; it is enough just to develop the habit of such observations.

Types of empathy

In psychology, there are three forms of empathy:

1. Emotional.
   A person literally projects other people’s feelings onto himself and completely takes over the emotional state. He can, along with another person, experience his joy, melancholy or disappointment. Thanks to mirror neurons, these feelings are indistinguishable from his own, although in most cases they are less intense. Typically, such empaths are sensitive to news stories about disasters and disasters, since they are burdened with a huge burden of compassion for strangers.
2. Cognitive (rational).
   This form of empathy has a slightly different nature. Before beginning to sympathize, a person rationally assesses the situation. Usually the situation itself, the behavior of another person, his facial expressions, gestures and other aspects of behavior are analyzed. Cognitive empathy is useful in business relationships because it allows you to accurately understand the feelings of your interlocutor without wasting emotional energy.
3. Predicative (intuitive).
   This form of empathy allows you to predict the feelings and experiences of another person in specific circumstances. Typically, people with this form of empathy are very tactful; they carefully think through and weigh every step. When planning something important (for example, a date), an intuitive empath puts his partner's emotions first and thinks through every detail, assessing the expected reaction.

All three forms of empathy can be developed to varying degrees. In some people they are all quite well developed, in others just one stands out clearly. It is only when neither form of empathy is strong enough that the person is said to be an anti-empath.

Non-judgmental perception

Learn to perceive other people's reactions without specific assessments. When you listen to a person, do not criticize, even mentally, and do not try to draw conclusions.

Moreover, you must refuse to divide emotions into good and bad. Perceiving a feeling as negative, a person strives to get rid of it as soon as possible or ignore it. To develop emotional intelligence, it is better to try to accept what you are experiencing at the moment, to find the reasons for your reaction.

Keeping a diary is a good practice. In it you should write down all your feelings and the situations that provoked them.

What is emotional intelligence

Emotional intelligence (EQ) is the ability to identify, use, understand and manage one's own emotions in a positive way, for example to relieve stress, overcome difficulties and defuse conflicts. This ability also allows you to recognize the emotional state of other people.

Emotional intelligence can be improved at any time in life.

However, there is a big difference between studying emotional intelligence and applying it in practice. You may know you need to take certain steps, but that doesn't mean you'll take them, especially if you're under stress. In order to change your behavioral habits, you need to learn how to cope with stress.

Emotional intelligence generally consists of five components:

• Self-knowledge. You acknowledge your own emotions and understand how they influence your thoughts and behavior. You know your strengths and weaknesses, you have confidence in your own abilities.
• Self-control. You know how to control impulsive feelings, manage your emotions in relationships, take initiative, follow through on commitments, and adapt to changing circumstances.
• Empathy. You know how to develop and maintain good relationships, communicate easily, inspire and guide others.
• Motivation. You imagine your goal and are clearly aware of each next step towards your dream.
• Social skills. You can understand the emotions, needs and problems of other people, recognize non-verbal cues, feel comfortable in society, determine a person's status in a group or organization, and resolve conflicts within a team.