My mother hates me - what should I do? family psychologist

When it comes to relationships, there are many things that can go wrong. But sometimes it's not what you do that causes problems in your relationship, but the fact that you have overactive parents in your life. Whether it's your parents or your partner, they tend to interfere where they shouldn't and can turn your relationship into...

To understand how this happens, we turned to experts in the field of family relationships for advice and received from them a number of expert opinions that are worth paying attention to if you want to protect your relationship from parental interference.

Reasons for hating your mother

Negative feelings towards your own mother cannot arise spontaneously.
Hatred towards her is a product of numerous insults and a cluster of childhood psychotraumas that a parent intentionally or unintentionally inflicted on her child. Unfortunately, many children have been affected by this problem, and now it is poisoning their lives. Why specifically hatred of the mother may arise: Emotional coldness. Not all women have a pronounced maternal instinct. At the birth of a child, these mothers do not have a need to show feelings and tenderness. They serve him, feed him, take him to kindergarten, but always keep an emotional distance

It is very important for a child to feel his mother’s warmth. For proper psychological development, he needs a loving, affectionate mother.

When a son or daughter does not receive attention from their parent and feels cold, they gradually begin to hate her, never receiving what is rightfully due to them.

Conflicts and lack of mutual understanding. A bad relationship between mother and child does not go unnoticed. Conflicts between generations are inevitable, but there are truly irreconcilable differences. Negative emotions accumulate, and then children feel alienation, anger, and emptiness. The inability or unwillingness of a mother to establish contact with her son or daughter leads to the fact that children hate the woman they should love and respect.

The power of the mother. If a woman does not allow her child to take a step without her own approval, then at first she can indeed serve as an unquestioning authority for him. But after a while, a child or a teenager will definitely rebel, and a real war will begin, which will lead to hatred. Unfortunately, mothers rarely understand their mistakes and continue to attack even when the child has long become an adult: they meddle in personal life, control, and impose their opinions. Then the relationship with your son or daughter never becomes friendly.

Mother's jealousy towards the child's father. Most often, this problem concerns daughters due to their belonging to the fair sex. Why does a daughter hate her mother within the framework of psychology? Sometimes women behave instinctively, without listening to the voice of reason. Mothers are unconsciously jealous of their husband, especially if a warm, trusting relationship has developed between dad and daughter, and not everything is going smoothly between the spouses at this time. As a result, the mother constantly humiliates her daughter, trying to compete with her in the fight for the attention of her man, spoiling relationships with both and causing fierce hatred in your child.

Violence in family. Psychological and physical terror on the part of the mother completely kills all the child’s positive feelings towards her. It is simply impossible to forgive such an attitude, because it leaves an indelible imprint on the child’s psyche. Children who have suffered from domestic violence in the family most often say with complete confidence: “I hate my mother!” And how else should you relate to a person who beats and bullies you, although he should be your support and support in everything?

These reasons for negative feelings towards your mother are quite understandable. It is quite difficult to establish relationships after such events, but hatred of the one who gave birth poisons the child’s life and has negative consequences even in the distant future.

Resentment: psychology and reasons

Resentment is an extremely negative emotion, a whole group of feelings: anger, disappointment, fear, self-doubt. There can be many reasons why a child may develop hatred towards his parents.

Lack of love. An overwhelming number of people come with resentment that their parents did not love them in childhood, that they did not have enough maternal or paternal love, which rightfully belonged to them, affectionate words, kisses and hugs, instead they felt emotional coldness and detachment.
Violence of any nature: physical punishment, beatings or moral bullying: humiliation, insults.
Indifference, indifference in upbringing, lack of interest in the child, his problems, life and feelings.
Uneven love between brothers and sisters, a feeling of being loved more than another family member.
“Everything is for strangers, nothing for relatives.” A special category of parents, with their own psychological problems, having which people try only for strangers, friends, acquaintances, children of acquaintances, etc.
Parents wearing rose-colored glasses. Parents who deny the child’s problems, experiences that deny the child’s existence. “Hey son, are you okay? How wonderful! And today I went to the store and saw a wonderful coffee machine...”
Conversations with such relatives are more reminiscent of a dialogue with a nightstand, or simply with a deaf person, an absolute reluctance to delve into life, feelings and emotions. With their entire appearance and behavior they convey to the child: “Don’t touch me, leave me alone.”
Overprotection, manipulation. The other extreme, but no less dangerous and toxic. Mother or father, or maybe both, do not allow you to take a step on your own. Total control, complete submission.
Comparison with other children, devaluation, disrespect.
Living in poverty.
High expectations, endless criticism.
Wrong and unhealthy lifestyle of parents.
Unfulfilled promises.

There can be a lot of variations on the theme of grievances, but most of them are connected with an unsatisfied need for love; the child did not feel loved, important and significant in the family, or did not feel stability and security.

When we feel good, we don't hate

It even happens that the parents are no longer alive, but the person is still offended by them, he believes that he was abandoned, left alone in this complex world. Resentment is a whole complex of emotions, where the main component is suppressed aggression and suppressed feelings. That is, a child, due to his age and lack of experience, simply cannot answer an adult, speak out, or express his anger.

You can live your whole life with these feelings, but until the problem is solved, the person psychologically will remain that little offended child. Problems with self-realization, in relationships with the opposite sex, in a career - there can be gaps in every area of life.

The nature of your interaction with the whole world, with yourself and even with your children depends on your relationship with your parents.

Hatred can poison life. It is necessary to understand that this is anger that cannot break out, it is aggression, the desire to cause harm, pain, but the inability to realize this, most often due to fear.

Hatred means wanting evil, but not being able to commit it, that is, aggression remains inside and a person fights the hated more in his imagination, and not in real life.

You need to work with this feeling, work through it before it deprives you of your last strength.

Important Negativity takes away and consumes all free time that could be spent usefully and joyfully for your life. When we feel good, we do not feel hatred, we do not seek to cause pain or harm to someone. We feel good and we wish the same for everyone around us.

Maternal love as a consequence of unwanted pregnancy

In everyday life, we are used to seeing happy children next to equally happy mothers. Alas, the current environment, poor heredity, as well as the decline in health indicators both among older members of society and among young urban residents, entail frequent metamorphoses in which seemingly healthy women suffer from infertility. Therefore, today for many of them, the number one pressing problem and insoluble issue is the inability to become a mother. In such cases, unhappy women look with tears in their eyes and involuntary envy at other representatives of the fair sex who have already experienced the joy of motherhood.

Despite the irresistible feeling of joy that every young mother should experience, today there are often ladies who are not particularly happy about their pregnancy, and especially about motherhood. Unfortunately, such non-standard trivial situations still happen among some representatives of the fair sex. As a result, women who give birth during an unwanted pregnancy are then unable to adequately express their feelings towards their own child. The unfortunate baby, being a child and then growing up as a full-fledged mature person, then often asks the question: “Why did my mother never love me?”

Comments from psychologist Olga Egortseva

– Everyone has long known that many human problems come from childhood and early childhood experiences play a decisive role in fate. Child-parent relationships are an eternal topic that never exhausts itself, giving rise to a lot of conflicting advice and recommendations from various experts. True, one of the most authoritative experts in this field, the English psychoanalyst D. W. Winnicott, expressed thoughts that such recommendations could even be harmful, since they deprive parents of intuitive wisdom and self-confidence. At all times, mothers knew what to do to provide the child with what they needed; they successfully coped with this task, performing actions “on a whim.”

But it is important to understand that love (in our case, parental) is a complex process, and not just an instinct. Human development is structured in such a way that at the initial stage of development the child is absolutely dependent on the mother

Over time, an understanding comes that at this stage it was maternal care that provided the conditions that made it possible to live and further develop as an individual.

At the same time, no matter how difficult the thought is that there is also hatred in feelings towards the mother, it should be recognized that in fulfilling her role the mother is a representative of the demanding outside world. She introduces a small and defenseless creature to reality, which is often the opposite of desires. They get angry with the mother, and the child, whose love is undeniable, always has room for negative feelings.

With the father’s role, everything is even more complicated, because if the mother sacrifices her personal interests from birth (which is inevitable at least in the first months) and is completely responsible for the child’s life, then the father may not realize the significance of his role in upbringing. When a child appears in a family, even if it is long-awaited, it is always a crisis, that is, it rebuilds the system of family relationships and leads to a redistribution of responsibility. The most obvious consequence of this is that a woman can no longer pay as much attention to her husband as before. In Mary's story, her father's betrayal could be an extreme case of failure to overcome this crisis.

The second heroine, Polina, speaks about her parents with a feeling of great resentment towards them, points out unreasonable demands, a reluctance to understand her, accept her interests and values: according to her, her parents refused to see in her an independent person who has the right to make her own choices and bear responsibility for him. They imposed their opinions on her, based on their personal life experiences, which led to protest behavior on her part and a complete loss of trust in the relationship

Perhaps at first this behavior was an attempt to attract parental attention, then it became a habit, and the girl became completely confused, never resolving family conflicts

Of course, the parents did not wish harm to their child and did not at all want to make him unhappy. This is an example of one of the main problems in parent-child relationships. Often, at the stage of growing up, parents forget that all their responsibilities in preparing their child for adult life have already been successfully completed and the moment has come when it is time to let their children go into an independent life in which they have the right to independently build their future. The natural result of growing up is separation - separation from parents. Many not only experience anxiety about this, which is completely acceptable and understandable, but simply cannot show trust in their child, do not want to take this fact for granted and turn his life into a nightmare filled with parental terror. One of the most painful and common options is the imposition of a profession.

Often in such relationships a certain attitude of “should” is manifested: “We raised you, put you on your feet, now you should be an excellent student, enter a prestigious university, get a normal profession, start a family,” etc. This “should” ignores the real needs of a person and does not lead to only to feelings of irritation and anger, but can also cause feelings of guilt for not living up to someone’s expectations.

No matter how much you would like to look after your child all his life, it is worth thinking about the fact that he will be truly grateful to you if he becomes an independent person who knows that his parents are the people who love him for who he is, and not as they wanted him to be. would like to see him. A person who did not receive such love in childhood, ready for patience and sympathy, will find it very difficult to learn it later.

Conflict of interest between two adult women

The described problem gains more serious momentum in the daughter’s adulthood in her relationship with her mother. And if youthful maximalism projects problematic situations based more on fantasized grievances that do not exist in real life, then an adult woman in disputes with her mother is guided by real facts. “Mom doesn’t love my child”, “my mother continues to hate my husband”, “my mother only becomes more stubborn and angry with age” - such thoughts today often occur to mature, stately women who already have their own family and their own children. Often this behavior of mothers is explained by age: it is not for nothing that they say that old people are like children. Excessive touchiness, manifestations of annoyance, and frequent upsets for no reason are increasingly common in older women. And on whom else should they take out the costs of their old age, if not on their children?

Why does an adult son insult his parents?

Such a hopeless story is unnatural for a mother who loves her son, which means that every mother is simply obliged to immediately extinguish the anger that flared up inside her and force herself to calm down. By responding with insult to insult, you will only sow the seed of discord and anger and thereby aggravate the already difficult situation. Therefore, first of all, you should figure out what are the reasons for such boorish behavior of an adult son (or daughter)?

And to do this, you need to honestly answer a number of unpleasant questions to yourself:

1. When your son, very young or already in school, came to you with his strange drawing (or he was scared in the panic room) - remember, did you laugh at him?

For a man, a woman’s ridicule is always a trauma, and a mother’s ridicule is a very deep trauma. Don't forget about it! Your little son could remember the ridicule and unknowingly harbor resentment for many years to come.

2. Kindergarten or school. Perhaps your son received a lot of comments and complaints from teachers, or third-party people tried to lecture your child in public. Have you always been on the side of your son, or did you support a stranger and, in unison with her, were indignant in public at your son’s hooligan act?

If your boy has really committed a crime, do not pat him on the head for it. But he should hear your indignation and receive a well-deserved punishment at home. And let teachers, educators or the saleswoman of a nearby store only know that you will definitely understand this situation. But you will never reprimand your son with them!

3. Have you yourself said hurtful and insulting words to your child (during a quarrel or for “educational” purposes)?

How does hatred of a mother affect a child's life?

Hatred towards a loved one is a destructive condition that is associated with an equally severe feeling of guilt. A person cannot bear them for a long time without talking through them and without changing the situation. Suppressed anger is directed against the person himself, health, and against the people around him.

A man thinks about his mother

When aggression cannot be directed at the address, it moves on to one’s body - this is how psychosomatic problems or self-harm appear. If hatred is turned against the person himself, a tendency to destructive or risky behavior, dangerous habits, and addictions appears.

Ignoring difficult emotional experiences creates a risk of depression and outbursts of anger. In adulthood, this affects relationships with your partner and children. The model of interaction that was once created with the mother continues to be played out within one’s own family.

"No need to make excuses"

The feeling of guilt and debt prevails in our psyche. And often, when we cannot give our parents what they want, or we cannot care for an old father or mother, we feel guilty. But you need to understand that any question comes from acceptance. Life itself and everything that happens is neutral, and conflict is what we have inside. For some, a cup broken by a husband or child is nothing to worry about, but for others it is a complete tragedy. Therefore, try to be neutral about everything . If you can’t take care of an old parent, do the best you can: find the best nursing home, hire a good nurse, contact trusted specialists - and don’t blame yourself.

And if there are people who condemn (and they always are), there is no need to justify yourself to them. Just say: “Don’t slander a person until you have been in such a situation yourself. To experience everything, you must first live my life. Do you want this? It is unlikely that anyone will answer in the affirmative.

Why can a mother hate her child?

In general, of course, it is definitely difficult to answer such a question. It’s hard to imagine why a mother might hate her child. But, nevertheless, for some individuals this situation is considered the norm. Tyranny on the part of the mother usually manifests itself like this:

She makes all decisions in the family for you.
Your opinion has no place in the family.
Total control accompanies you everywhere.
You are instilled with a feeling of guilt for everything
Systematically raises his hand, even for the slightest mistakes
Criticism haunts you for any reason
Constant punishments for no reason

Living with such a parent is definitely impossible. Children in such families, as a rule, grow up unsure of themselves and have many complexes. Why does this happen? Why can a mother hate her own blood? The answer to these questions should be sought in the distant past of women. The reasons for this attitude may be the following factors:

Unwanted pregnancy
The child's father left his woman because of him
The child looks like his dad, who left the family
The child serves as an obstacle to building new relationships

What is required of you in such a situation is not to succumb to the provocations of an embittered mother. Don’t create conflict, try not to get into trouble. Under no circumstances try to prove to your unfortunate mother that you are worth something. This will not help change the attitude towards you for the better. If you are an emotional person, you will have to learn to control your emotions and silently, in practice, prove that you are right. If you live with a mother who hates you, you should behave like this:

Be patient
Do not shout in response to the screams of the parent
If you have already reached the age of majority, you can find other accommodation
Learn to make decisions
Explain to your mom that you have grown up and have the right to choose.

Of course, it will be difficult for you, and the help of relatives or loved ones will be very helpful in this situation. It is difficult psychologically to accept the fact that your own mother hates you. If you feel like you can’t cope on your own, contact a psychologist.

How to forgive grievances against parents

You can list many human destinies, stories where everything is due to resentment towards your main loved ones, resentment that grew into hatred and poisoned the soul, heart and life.

The choice is yours - to forgive or not, to take revenge and ignore, to disappear or to try to forget. The latter is unlikely to succeed, since it is impossible to forget your past, but it is possible to free yourself from childhood grievances and change your attitude towards them.

It may take more than one day or month to change your thinking, look at your childhood and parents from the other side, and let go of resentment towards those who brought you into this world.

Let's divide the actions into several points:

Acknowledge your feelings. Anger, hatred, resentment, whatever it is, admit to yourself that this is exactly what you feel towards mom or dad. Allow yourself to feel this. Accept your emotions, condition, feelings.
Try to understand the parents, explain their actions, why they did or said this, perhaps they had no other choice. Don’t judge them, they had no other experience, and they themselves didn’t know what to do, in the vast majority of cases, they came from the best intentions and wanted only the best for you, even if they used methods that we now consider toxic and destructive.
Don't try to change them and don't expect them to become different people. This is impossible. Parents are who they are, this must be accepted as a fact and come to terms with it. They most likely will not admit their guilt, but, on the contrary, will blame you - their children. This is a defensive reaction of the psyche, a mother may know that she is to blame for something, but cannot accept it - this destroys her picture of the world, in which she is a good person and a good mother, so she will turn her guilt against you.
Be direct. Talk to mom, dad. Directly and clearly explain what you don’t like or what offends or offends you. Be prepared in advance that you will be haunted by feelings of guilt (I offended my mother), let go of this guilt, separate yourself from mom or dad, you have the right to feel offended and talk about it. Do this for yourself to get rid of that “lump in the throat”, unexpressed feelings, chronic stress
Realize that you can have different feelings towards your parents, and love or hate is your choice. Awareness and articulation of these points is very important.
It is important to understand that your inner child is offended and you need to return to the position of an adult and take responsibility for your life and emotions.
Bring the relationship to a formally friendly note, set personal boundaries that must be respected. It is quite possible to improve relationships by turning them into friendly conversations or reducing communication to a minimum.

Hot temper

The problem of fathers and children is eternal. Do you sometimes feel like arguments with your parents are endless and have no end? Do you feel like your mother doesn't love you? How to live if you want to cry from parental injustice? All these questions often arise on the basis of some rash conclusions made by children in their opinion of their parents. Only in dysfunctional families can we talk about the real reasons for parental dislike. But often the child’s feeling of negativity from his mother is due to his own fantasized and unrealistic guesses. Hot temper is one of the first criteria from which absolutely no conclusions can be drawn. In a quarrel or scandalous situation, a person may throw into the air a phrase that he will later deeply regret. In view of this, all conflicts should always be tried to be resolved in a sober mind and sound consciousness, with steam running, and not in a fit of anger. Then you can reach a consensus and avoid obsessive ideas about how to live if your mother doesn’t love you.

“I raise my children myself, and you just love them”

Of course, no one is perfect, and staying calm all the time is very difficult. As Lao Tzu , “The strongest warrior is the one who is not angry.” Therefore, when aggression arises, try to get rid of it immediately: count to ten, bend your fingers, look to the side. If your imagination works well, look at the situation “from above” - the parent and me.

This pause will be to your advantage. While you are silent, your opponent is trying to understand what you are thinking. And even if you don’t think about anything, he’s already giving in a little. Next, exhale and try to explain: “I understand that you care about me, I accept your love, and I’m pleased, but I’m already an adult and I’m able to deal with my relationships/work/children myself.”

When we observe the attitude of our parents towards our children, we often see because of what words or behavior of our elders we have this or that complex. And we understand that these same problems can be passed on to younger people. Therefore, “I raise my children myself, and you just love them.”

How can we try to improve the current situation?

Here is one of the techniques. Invite your son to draw. For example, draw your family. First, you can ask him what family means to him, who his family is. The picture can show a family on a walk, at lunch, at a birthday party, etc.

The child will determine this himself. Next, ask the boy to name 2-3 positive qualities that each family member has, or what each person does best. And it’s better to start with him himself.

Summarize what you drew, note how soulful the drawing turned out, what a beautiful and strong family it shows, how many good qualities the family has. Praise your son for his drawing, for his ability to note the positive characteristics of everyone, add a few more positive qualities to his “portrait”.

Parents do not treat them as equals

Parents do not treat their already adult children seriously, as equals. For them, a child will remain a child even at 30 or 40 years old. Therefore, claims made against them most often remain unanswered.

Most of the older generation is confident that they are right; it is almost impossible to prove otherwise. They often do not know who their offspring have become, do not respect boundaries, do not allow them to live life to the fullest or believe that they can still manage it, they listen but do not hear.

We recommend reading the articles:

“How to understand that you have low self-esteem”

"How to increase self-esteem"

Ways to deal with mother hatred

It is normal to experience difficult feelings due to conflict with loved ones. But it's worth asking what happens next to these feelings:

they are realized or suppressed;
accumulate as a heavy burden or splash out in the form of anger on others;
what is hidden behind hatred - a feeling of humiliation, powerlessness, fear, anger, resentment.

The girl is alone with her troubles.
A child who still lives with his parents can hardly influence the situation in the home and family. But you can help yourself, learn to support yourself, and handle your emotions correctly.

What to do if you hate and are angry with your mother

Accept your anger and not blame yourself for it: “I have the right to be angry, irritated, offended by my mother, and this does not make me a bad person.”
Think about what lies behind the hatred. Hatred is a very strong feeling that overshadows the others, but it does not mean the entire attitude towards the mother.
It is safe for yourself and others to be angry. A lot of problems in relationships are due to the fact that loved ones suppress negative feelings towards each other, accumulate them, and then take it out on others. You can speak your irritation out loud before it overwhelms you, write your thoughts down on paper; throw out anger into actions - stomp, growl, hit a pillow, tear paper.
Learn to correctly convey your thoughts and feelings. For example, to use I-messages - during a conflict, do not reproach and blame, but explain your state: not “you don’t understand me!”, but “I feel lonely” or “it’s difficult for me to deal with the problem myself.” Such expressions sound unusual at first, but later help people understand each other.
Seek support. You can almost always find a trustworthy adult in your environment - this could be a relative, a teacher, a coach, a school psychologist. It is not necessary to tell the situation at home in detail - a simple, confidential conversation with an adult on an abstract topic will already change the situation.

The girl thinks about her mother

A grown child, having left the parental home, still needs contact with his mother - this is a feature of the human psyche. The attachment to the mother lasts throughout life. If this connection was painful, communication between grown-up children and their parents does not bring joy and causes resentment and anger. But a grown child can take some responsibility for the relationship.

What to do with hatred of a mother in an already grown child

Go to a psychologist. Both a joint visit and an individual visit will be effective. If the proposal to go together to a psychologist causes ridicule, sarcasm, or devaluation from the mother, there is no need to insist, it is better to sign up for a consultation yourself, the benefits will be no less.
Refuse the image of an idealized mother. Every child dreams of a loving, accepting, supportive mother, but in reality, few have such parents. The psychological solution would be to admit that I will no longer have the mother I dream of.
Give yourself what your mother didn’t give you. Find out for myself what emotional needs I have - support, a sense of security, approval, love, and learn to satisfy them myself.
Define your psychological boundaries. Healthy boundaries mean that a person calmly and confidently explains how he can be treated and how he cannot be treated, while not “rolling out tanks” at every careless word or behavior.
Find out what kind of love is right for you. Often mothers do not know kind, supportive words, but they can show care in other ways - handing over potatoes from the dacha, knitting socks for their grandchildren. Discuss in what form your mother can show her love, and in which you are ready to accept.

I can't communicate with my mother and I hate myself for it. How do people with a guilt complex live?

Source: Snob (snob.ru), Moscow, September 6, 2020

Everyone is familiar with the feeling of guilt. But how to live when it becomes destructive and takes on pathological forms? People with guilt syndrome told “Snob” who imposed this feeling on them in childhood and how it complicated their adult life.

Alexandra's story

I'm five years old, my sister is about three. We're playing around. Mom can’t calm us down, so she lies down on the sofa, rolls her eyes and asks to call her neighbor: “I’m dying!” We believe her (my mother was very ill, suffered from asthmatic attacks of suffocation and spent my entire early childhood in hospitals), crying, we promise to obey, and ask: “Just, please, mommy, don’t die!” Since then I have been very afraid of death and think about it often.

I'm a late child. My mother grew up in a conservative family. Since childhood, she instilled in my sister and me that premarital sex is bad, girls who lose their virginity before marriage are prostitutes, and sex itself is dirty and abominable and is only needed to give birth to children. I think these views are also explained by the fact that she married an unloved man who was much older than her. It was a kind of marriage of convenience: the mother needed to find a place in the big city, and the father, for whom this was his second marriage, needed a free housekeeper. When, as a teenager, I shared my love experiences and failures with my mother, she would call me an idiot and say that it was my fault because decent girls don’t chase boys. Instead of support and words of consolation, I only heard accusations and reproaches. That said, I can’t say that I felt unloved or unappreciated in other ways.

Until I was 18, my mother managed to keep me under a tight rein. Then I started to “rebel”: I dyed my hair black and got a piercing. I still didn't have a relationship. Mom constantly controlled where I was and with whom. I lost my virginity two months before my twentieth birthday. Mom went to rest with her sister, and I could walk until late with whoever I wanted. The father took this calmly. It was sex for sex's sake. Nature began to take its toll at the age of 16, but somehow there was no opportunity. And then I just slept with a guy I’d known for a couple of weeks. I remember my first thought was: “Now no one will marry me.”

Since then, every time I get into a relationship or have sex with a new partner, I feel guilty. I'm worried that they'll think badly of me, even though they don't. I don't want them to think I'm a whore. This attitude, hammered into my head as a child, does not allow me to live in peace, although with my brain I understand that all this is nonsense.

When my mother found out that I was not a “girl,” she said that she was disappointed that I had disgraced her: “You made a “mistake,” I hope you won’t “make a mistake” (read: have sex with someone before marriage) again.” . To this day, when we quarrel, she can sometimes call me a prostitute just because I had more than one partner, and even before marriage. At the same time, sex happened infrequently in my life, and I never cheated on my regular partner, even if I slept with him a couple of times a year, until the relationship completely broke down. Well, I'm starting to make excuses again...

Strong feelings of guilt affected more than just my sex life. Mom, who was used to living the life my sister and I lived, never came to terms with the fact that we grew up. When, at the age of 25, my sister decided to live separately and moved out, my mother, with tears in her eyes, accused her of ingratitude, of “abandoning her elderly parents to the mercy of fate,” etc. The father, I must say, took his daughter’s move as a taken for granted and did not make a tragedy out of it. I couldn't move out. The feeling of guilt, love for my parents and the feeling that family is most important got the better of me, although I understand that moving out does not mean quitting. Well, my parents are really elderly, I help them a little financially (which also prevents me from renting a house) and do various small jobs around the house: from going to the store for groceries and making an appointment at the clinic to nailing down shelves and fixing a laptop.

Everything would be fine, but my mother is still trying to control me and meddle in my personal life (“Good girls don’t behave like that!” - “Mom, I’m a grown woman! Stop talking to me like I’m a little girl!”). I'm trying to assert my boundaries and learning to say no. Often this ends in a quarrel. I break down and yell obscenities that I’m sick of everything, that I can’t do this anymore. If my mother is visiting a sick person, I can send her. Previously, I was always silent and endured her insults, but then I got tired of it. In response, I hear that I have no right to insult her, but she can do this, because she gave birth to me, and not vice versa. I blame myself very much for these breakdowns later. And the mother begins to tell her friends that children are ungrateful and there is no need to devote your life to them.

I've been crying a lot lately and I think it would be better if I moved. “Well, move out! - she says, and then almost immediately: - And you too! Yes, I put my whole life on you, I didn’t sleep at night!” By the way, my mother is still unsuccessfully trying to return my sister to her father’s house, trying to influence her through the parents of a friend with whom my sister rents an apartment. My conversations on the topic that my sister has long been an adult, independent, independent and there is no need to interfere in her life, lead to only one reaction: “I don’t interfere! And in general, I am a mother, I know what is best. She should live at home. When she gets married, let her do what she wants.”

Mom, due to circumstances, never served a “glass of water” to her mother. My aunt looked after my bedridden grandmother, who lived in another country, for many years. She never got her life together. Sometimes it seems to me that the same will happen to me and that I will only be free when my mother is gone. I hate myself for this thought. And I’m very afraid of this moment: I love my parents and don’t want to lose them.

All these showdowns and gnawing feelings of guilt take up a lot of energy, so I try not to leave the room and keep communication with my mother to a minimum, and this is difficult - we live in the same house. And, of course, then my mother begins to be offended that I don’t communicate with her much, and I again begin to be tormented by a feeling of guilt. And so on in a circle.

Veronica Timoshenko, psychologist at Semeyny:

Many psychologists believe that the cause of guilt in adults is strict or even harsh upbringing, which does not take into account the needs of the child. Alexandra’s mother used manipulative techniques, instilling in the girl that she was obliged to live up to her expectations, often idealistic. The feeling of guilt imposed on the girl was used as leverage over the child.

A person who grew up in such a family seems to live a life that is not his own. A guilt complex forces him to constantly please his parents' will. He experiences fear of choice: he chooses who to be, who to live with, how to behave, not on his own, but with an eye on his parents. At the same time, it seems to him that he is not good enough at his job, in his relationships with his partner, children, and friends. The feeling of guilt is painful and causes great discomfort, which does not allow you to feel happy.

Maryana's story

My whole life my mother told me that I was somehow wrong, that I couldn’t cope with anything and wasn’t capable of anything. I believed her and since childhood I lived with a feeling of anxiety, thinking that everyone lives like this. It wasn't until last year, when I sought help from a therapist due to panic attacks, that my eyes began to open.

Since childhood, my mother shamed me and blamed me for everything. I remember one late evening, when I was little, I woke up and didn’t find my mother nearby. I was very scared and sobbing loudly, “Mom! Mom!”, ran out onto the porch. Then she appeared and, instead of calming me down, started yelling that I should be ashamed, that I was disgracing her in front of the neighbors, she was so big - I was scared! Another case. My mother and I returned home late. It was a long way to go, and some soldiers decided to give us a lift. There were three of them. Mom, an anxious person, came up with something and started crying. Maybe she was afraid to travel alone with three men. (She later told a friend that she didn’t know what came over her then.) I was scared and, not understanding why my mother was crying, I also started crying. As a result, we were dropped off on the side of the road. Mom started screaming that they did this because of me and I shouldn’t have cried. And there were many such situations when I was made guilty.

In general, it seems to me that my younger brother and I were something like cats for my mother: if my mother was in a good mood, she could pat her on the head, if she was in a bad mood, we shouldn’t get in her way. Mom had a saying that she used to scare my brother and me if we didn’t obey: “You’ll jump up to me again.” Hearing this, we rushed to do everything. True, she didn’t beat us. Our father was an alcoholic - I was scared to death of him. Mom knew this, but did nothing - she is not good at love and support. Therefore, since childhood, I tried to be as comfortable as possible for my parents: sit quietly, talk little, don’t ask for anything again, as long as they don’t get angry. I thought that this way they would love me more and scold me less.

A few years later, my mother divorced my father and often told my brother and me: “If you don’t like something, live with him.” I had the feeling that my mother didn’t care whether we were there or not. After the divorce, I missed her terribly: she worked a lot and spent almost all her free time with her friends. Due to the stress I experienced, at the age of 16 I developed social phobia and obsessive-compulsive disorder, and later generalized anxiety disorder. My therapist and I are still working on this.

I entered the university, but later dropped out due to depression that hit me during the third session. Mom then just started hinting that she didn’t know how to continue paying for her education. And I was already so exhausted that in a sense I decided to do her a “favor” by leaving everything. I thought that I was not smart enough to study at university, and I needed to go to work as a salesperson, like my mother. Although I passed all previous sessions successfully. After that, my mother constantly told me that I was a failure, that now my only choice was to find a rich husband and live off him, because I was of no use anyway. Manipulation, lies, sarcasm, devaluation, criticism and the constant belief that I was helpless were presented as care for me. Therefore, for a long time I idealized my mother and believed that the problem was solely in me, that everything was my fault. I even had thoughts of suicide - I felt like such a nasty and worthless person.

I lived with my mother for another ten years - there was no financial opportunity to move out. Constant screams, scandals, “you live in my house, so do as I tell you.” It is very difficult to live with a person who is always dissatisfied with everything and criticizes everyone. At 28, I moved out and was finally able to breathe out. My brother, who is two years younger than me, still lives with his mother and has no plans to move out. He considers her a savior who took us away from our aggressive alcoholic father. I think my brother subconsciously believes that as long as he lives with his mother, he will be fine.

With the move, anxiety and depression did not go away. Every time I met with my mother, the mood deteriorated: it was as if I was thrown back into the past, where I was not considered anything and was constantly reproached. When I said how great it would be to go live in another city or country, she told me that I couldn’t cope and would disappear, and in general, how could I leave my mother. If I didn’t want to do something for her, she said: “Well, how can it be that you’re refusing your own mother?” And I felt guilty again.

A couple of years ago, panic attacks were added to my anxiety and depression. I remember one night, when it hit me, I called my mom and asked to talk to me, because I was very scared and it seemed like I was dying. Mom just said irritably that I had chosen a bad time to call, because she had to get up early for work tomorrow, and I had to deal with my problems myself. I didn’t turn to her for help anymore and finally turned to a psychotherapist. He helped me get rid of panic attacks and understand that I do not have to maintain relationships with people who make me feel bad, even if they are my relatives. I realized that all this time I had not broken contact with my mother only out of a sense of duty, and in the end I stopped communicating. But sometimes I think that I was mistaken, that all this seemed to me, that suddenly the therapist and I are wrong and with my decision I am violating age-old social principles. My inner child is still afraid of the mother on whom he depended as a child.

Veronica Timoshenko, psychologist at Semeyny:

Maryana grew up in a dysfunctional family with dependent and codependent relatives, and her mother was emotionally unstable. In such families, personal boundaries are not respected, there is no respect for each other and for children, and children do not have a sense of security. In order to survive, a child has to adapt to an adult, fulfilling his emotional needs. Subsequently, this strategy does not allow the individual to express himself and live a full life and can cause various disorders.

Sergei's story

My dad grew up without a father. His mother worked as a conductor. There was barely enough money to raise two children. My father learned early what responsibility and independence were. Although we played football and went fishing with him, he did not participate in my direct upbringing and never gave the advice that a boy needed so much, for example, what to do if a fight breaks out.

My mother is the youngest child in a large village family. Her childhood could not be called happy either: she had to do a lot of housework, and my grandfather, after drinking, sometimes ran after her with an ax for fun. After school, my mother moved to the city and studied to become a teacher. She treated me not like a son, but like a student, plus she took great care of me. My mother constantly scolded me for grades below an A, even if it was an A minus, and compared me with other children and with herself: “I studied for A’s, you should study like that too!” At the same time, I was not praised for excellent grades, because getting five is “normal,” “that’s how it should be.” Or here is another illustrative example of her attitude towards me. When I was 5-6 years old, I was playing in the yard with the boys: they threw me into a snowdrift and piled on top of me, and I almost suffocated, since I was the smallest. Frightened and crying, I returned home and swore at the boys from the doorway. For this, my mother immediately hit me with a hand on the lips, because I shouldn’t swear. My mother was absolutely not interested in why I was crying.

When I was 12, my parents took out a mortgage; my father worked late into the night to pay it off. Around the same period, we took in our paralyzed grandmother, who had begun to suffer from insanity. All this had a negative impact on the family psycho-emotional background. After classes, I was forced to sit at home and take care of my grandmother. I began to study worse. My attempts to justify myself to my mother did not lead to anything good: in response to my arguments like “there are children who study worse,” she hypocritically retorted “they don’t bother me,” although my mother often compared me with those who study better. During these quarrels, I sometimes heard from my mother, “Some people in the orphanage live without parents at all, so you should be happy!” I didn’t understand why she behaved this way towards me, and at some point I began to feel like an unwanted child (later I made complaints to my parents for this, trying to make them feel guilty - I used their own methods against them). In addition, my father sometimes, without malice or intention to hurt me, told me that even before his marriage, in another city, he had a good job as a scientist and he regretted that due to family circumstances he had to give up everything and return home. My consciousness distorted this story into the thought: “If he regrets that he returned, it means he regrets that he started a family, that I was born.”

By the age of 16, I developed a depressive disorder. Attempts to verbally justify myself, get rid of the feeling of guilt, prove that I was normal, led to nothing, but only aggravated the situation, and I began to cripple myself. Physical pain distracted from mental pain and allowed emotions to be released. In a fit of anger, despair, or hysteria, I could create a hematoma on my forehead with a pen and stab my hand with a knife. The mother’s “maternal instinct” immediately turned on, and she abandoned her attacks. It turns out that I became the one who manipulates and causes feelings of guilt. We switched roles.

At 23, depression reached its peak: I lost sleep, couldn’t taste food, got up feeling like a brick had been placed on my head, and thought about suicide (“No person, no problem”). Good friends sent me to a psychiatrist. Psychotherapy sessions helped me return to relative normality, recover physically and change my attitude towards the situation. However, I cannot say that I have solved all my problems.

My critical condition affected my relationship with my parents. I communicate normally with my father, because I have fewer complaints against him. With the mother - depending on how. Although we had long conversations about forgiving each other, her habit of remembering the events of 10-15 years ago during any quarrel causes me a sharp response. We still periodically throw bile at each other, it’s just that now I dominate the conflict (at the same time, I don’t wish my parents harm). This is absolutely not good for anyone, so I decided to distance myself and keep contact to a minimum. When I moved away from my parents, life became much easier for me.

Veronica Timoshenko, psychologist at Semeyny:

Sergei's mother was emotionally cold and distanced herself from the child. In addition to the feeling of guilt, she imposed an excellent student complex on him. The feeling of guilt begins to take on pathological dimensions and forms when a person engages in constant self-flagellation, does not believe in his own strength, becomes touchy, and refuses to think and dream about the future. To get rid of this destructive feeling, a person needs to admit that it has acquired a pathological form and go to see a specialist. Because, as a rule, a person with a guilt complex cannot independently accept the postulates that no one is obliged to meet the expectations of others, that each personality has its own boundaries, that each personality is integral and valuable in itself, and look at the situation from different angles.

The guilt complex goes hand in hand with the concept of obligation. There is a common concept: “no one owes anything to anyone.” It may sound controversial. But try replacing the word “should” with the word “want”, and then your actions and your life will take on a completely different meaning: I help my loved ones not because I have to, but because I love them and want to help. Do you feel the difference?

You should not blame your parents and your difficult childhood for your own adult problems and failures. Try to become a better parent to your inner child. Your life is in your hands.

What is a guilt complex and how to get rid of it

Irina Kutyanova, psychologist at Semeynoye:

Guilt is an exaggerated sense of responsibility; it can be both rational and irrational. An irrational feeling of guilt arises when a child is given responsibility disproportionate to his age (as in the third story), and too much is demanded and expected of him. The child cannot cope and feels guilty.

In all the stories, children were unwanted or not born out of love - and this is the root of the problem in the first place. That is, the formation of a guilt complex began even before these children were born. Such children try in every possible way to earn the love of their parents, but at the same time they believe that they are unworthy of being happy. They try to be comfortable, first for their parents, and later for those around them.

Parents unconsciously convey negative attitudes towards life to children who are unwanted or not born in love: don’t love, don’t live, don’t be happy. For example, in the first story, the mother, on a subconscious level, believed that she had entered into an unhappy marriage, therefore her daughter does not have the right to be happy and must follow her path, and her own desires are bad and sinful. In such families, there is a problem of emotional fusion, lack of boundaries, the child is perceived not as a separate person, but as the property of the parents.

Therefore, in order to overcome the guilt complex, a person needs to work with building personal boundaries, understand when he is acting under the influence of his own emotions and when under the influence of others, increase his value and significance and give himself permission to live, love and be happy person. For people with a guilt complex, it is important to work with the release of emotions, although it will be very painful for them to realize that they are unwanted and have a traumatic childhood. It is important for them to separate from their parents, especially emotionally. Sometimes physical separation is necessary: moving out and not allowing your parents to interfere with your life. When this happens, the feeling of guilt weakens and the relationship becomes equal.

However, it is not easy for such parents to let their children go. When children grow up, parents become afraid that they will become unnecessary. Then manipulation begins: for example, a mother suddenly feels bad when her son is going on a date or is somehow trying to arrange his personal life. Parents begin to burden their children with responsibility and remind them of unpaid debt. Although caring for parents is ingrained in our culture, life is about moving forward: children give a “duty” to their children. It is difficult for a child who grew up without parental love to return it to his parents. He does something for his parents forcedly, out of an exaggerated sense of guilt and duty, and not out of love. When a child grows up in love, he returns not a “debt”, but care, of his own free will.

A child swears at school: what to do?

We have already said that after five years a child swears consciously and, moreover, does it intentionally. That is, he already knows when and what word is best to use. At this age, the main thing is to chop while still standing. Then school, friends and independent life begin. Well, as an independent person - you no longer walk hand in hand with him, he begins to communicate more often and more with his peers, goes to visit them (or vice versa)

It is important not to let this situation slip, but also not to go too far

If a child swears at school:

Under no circumstances, do not scold or hit! At this age, the child begins to form as a personality. He makes his own friends, lays the foundations of communication and even a position among his peers. If you scold, criticize, or, even worse, beat your child, he will simply withdraw into himself. And this will not only have a bad effect on communication with friends, but also on your studies. After all, an insecure person doubts everything.
Perhaps he made not very good, let's say, comrades. Another very common mistake made by most parents is to forbid him to be friends with anyone or to force him to make friends that you like. This will only result in riots and even more swearing. If he really got involved in bad company, try to gently and unobtrusively convince him that these are not the best friends.

At this age, aspects such as meaning and position in society already become important. There is no need to tell tales about Leshy who takes away bad boys. And speaking swear words is bad. If a 7-year-old child swears, he himself understands it perfectly well. Heartfelt conversations are important here. Moreover, things need to be called by their proper names. Press (only gently, without pressure) on who he will become. It’s worth giving clear examples of which people on the street swear more often (you don’t need to look for them for long).
Swearing is often used to express anger. You can create such a rule in your family - replace obscene words with acceptable and harmless expressions. Let those around you not understand you in this case. But then, just get closer to your child.

Better yet, teach and let your child understand that there is another way to get rid of tension. For example, play sports, run or just take a walk in the fresh air.
Although we said that there is no need to tell children fairy tales about the dangers of swearing at this age, one version can be announced at this age. By saying swear words, we seem to turn to the dark side of life and turn away from our guardian angel. Therefore, troubles and troubles will happen in life.
If teachers complain about a student, do not press the drill on the child with them. At this age, the support and faith of parents is very important. Of course, you also don’t need to attack teachers in defense of your child. Just try to figure out what happened at home. If a child loses his temper, try to find out the reason. Find out if there is anything you can do to help or come up with a joint solution to the problem.
And one more piece of advice - slowly let the child go away from you. He must prepare for adulthood and become independent. Give him the right to choose and vote in your family, let him make mistakes. Always support your child, but do not control or dictate too much. Especially at that age.

Misjudgments

The main causes of girlish disorder regarding unacceptable (through the eyes of children) behavior of parents can be their following judgments:

“My mother loves my sister, but she hates me.” 50% of children living in families where there is more than one child think so. The eternal battle of lots between brothers and sisters regarding who receives more parental love is due to typical manifestations of youthful egoism. Often, these are, again, far-fetched beliefs of teenagers.
"My mom doesn't like my boyfriend." Another rather stupid belief that is common among many young girls. Any mother (especially of the Soviet type) does not accept her daughter’s relationship at such a young age in general, in principle. And this does not mean that she does not like the young man who is her daughter’s boyfriend; it only means that she considers any romantic relationship with her participation to be too premature.
“My mother doesn’t love me because I interfere with her life.” When girls hear various kinds of comments from their mothers, for example, regarding unsatisfactory academic performance or the inability to clean up after themselves, or about refusal to help with housework, at this age girls take everything with hostility. As a result, it seems to them that they are simply annoying their mother with their presence and feel completely misunderstood and unnecessary to their parents.

What problems arise?

Suppressed emotions, aggression, anger and despair, stored in the soul for months and even years, do not pass without a trace for a person. A lot of health problems arise. The so-called psychosomatics works in full.

sore throat and all kinds of throat problems,
tonsillitis,
chronic runny nose,
interruptions in the functioning of the thyroid gland,
nervous system disorder,
panic attacks,
depression,
chronic pain,

and this is not the entire list of possible diseases.

Containing anger, the inability to express one’s feelings, isolation, “a lump in the throat” literally prevents you from living to the fullest, prevents you from speaking, communicating with people and being happy.

Psychologist's comment:

— First of all, thank you for sharing something personal in such a difficult situation.

You understand correctly: your mother lives her life in a state of victimhood, blaming her daughter, parents, and circumstances for all unfulfilled dreams and unfulfilled plans. She has not achieved the top in life, and it is difficult for her to accept your achievements. It’s also difficult to accept that you are younger, more successful and build your life the way you see fit.

And you understand that it’s not about you. And the fact is that my mother never managed to become the mistress of her life and realize herself in the way she needed. If a person feels happy, he will never wish harm on another. Unfortunately, people act badly and unfairly because they themselves are traumatized, unloved, and lonely.

You can safely assume how much love is inside this woman. It's not enough. And this is neither good nor bad. It is a fact.

Photo: wpimg.pl

Realizing this will help you stop hoping that one day she will come to her senses and understand how wrong she behaved. This is the wisdom of accepting a person as he is. Allow him to live his life the way he chose. Allow him to make mistakes and understand that we don’t need to save him, he took this path himself.

The biggest disappointments happen where there are the most expectations. You shouldn’t expect your mother to listen to you and tell you why she behaved this way. She may not understand this herself.

A very important detail in any relationship: if you want to establish contact with someone, both parties must be interested in this.

If you want to share your joys and achievements, go to those people who will appreciate it

Tell important things to those who will share your happiness, and this will become a resource for you

Don't look where there is nothing.

Every person has an inner child, and everyone has it in different states. It depends on the situations that were lived in childhood and on how a person perceives them.

To simplify: the inner child is a child who lives in each of us and remembers all our wounds, grievances and disappointed hopes.

This is part of our psyche, and the main task for healing it is to listen to the inner voice of this child and gain more inner freedom.

When our inner child takes its rightful place and its needs are met, a person will act based on his needs and desires, and not out of a desire to please anyone.

Your inner girl, who remembers those difficult moments of childhood, needs your love and support. It will always be useful to her, no matter your age.

Talk mentally to your inner girl. Tell her that she is not to blame for anything. That she deserves love on a huge scale! But don't expect love from those who don't have much of it.

I recommend using the “Healing the Inner Child” technique (meditation). You can also read a book about this by Lucia Capaccione - “Regaining Your Inner Child.”

Try to understand why this particular woman became your mother? What have you learned from this relationship? How long has there been a difficult mother-daughter relationship on the female side of your family? Perhaps you will have the wisdom and strength to change this, transform it in a positive direction and pass on wisdom to the next generation?

Even from your letter it feels like you are a strong girl. And the tasks you face in your life are also within your capabilities. The one who walks will master the road - joy to you on this journey!

How to work through a grudge against parents

There are many techniques for working through your childhood grievances. Let's look at the most common ones.

Write a letter, or rather, letters.

The first thing is to tell my parents, from myself now, a story about all my experiences, all the pain and resentment, to tell them what tormented me for so long.
The second letter is to my little self, with words of support and understanding.
The third letter is the answer if your parents would answer you after reading it.

Re-read these letters, understand everything, and then burn them or tear them up and throw them away. There is no need to store them. This method perfectly helps to shed the heavy burden of old grievances, allow your “inner child” to speak out, forgive and understand.

Compensate yourself for what you didn’t have in childhood and adolescence. Become your own parent for a while: buy the same dress that you so wanted 25 years ago, but didn’t have the money, go to the circus, feel sorry for yourself, or, conversely, constantly praise for the work done, and just praise.
Shout out your pain. Going to a deserted place will help here. Go to a place where there is no one and just scream at the top of your lungs, let your hatred and anger come out, throw it out, cry, grieve. This is a big step forward for many people and helps a lot.

Important Give time to put everything in its place, don’t expect quick changes. Your grievances have accumulated over the years and now you cannot get rid of them so easily, but it is quite possible to change your attitude towards them. You won’t be able to forget, but you will be able to let go of the past, accept it and start living differently.

What to do with old grudges

Your task is to restore the interrupted cycle “emotion – desire – action”. To do this, you need to figure out what exactly interrupted him.

For example, you love your mother so much that it is impossible to express your feelings to her. It seems that if you honestly tell her about how hurt and offended you are, your mother will immediately treat you differently and begin to love you less.

I think your fears may be partly correct and adequate. Mom, especially if she is old and has always been hot-tempered and touchy, can easily take offense at your claims. But any complaints can always be formulated in an inoffensive manner.

Compare: “Mom, I want to tell you honestly: you ruined my whole life and I hate you!” and “Mom, I have heavy feelings in my soul. Will you listen to what I say? When you told me that you didn’t want me, I felt completely unnecessary to you. I was very hurt. It would help me a lot if you said that you really don’t think so and that you are important.”

Of course, not every mother will be affected by such words. Some mothers may even say something even more offensive in response. If it seems to you that this will be the case with your mother, then I completely trust your feeling. There is another way in this case.