My mother hates me - what should I do? family psychologist

Reasons for hating your mother

Negative feelings towards your own mother cannot arise spontaneously.
Hatred towards her is a product of numerous insults and a cluster of childhood psychotraumas that a parent intentionally or unintentionally inflicted on her child. Unfortunately, many children have been affected by this problem, and now it is poisoning their lives. Why specifically hatred of the mother may arise: Emotional coldness. Not all women have a pronounced maternal instinct. At the birth of a child, these mothers do not have a need to show feelings and tenderness. They serve him, feed him, take him to kindergarten, but always keep an emotional distance

It is very important for a child to feel his mother’s warmth. For proper psychological development, he needs a loving, affectionate mother.

When a son or daughter does not receive attention from their parent and feels cold, they gradually begin to hate her, never receiving what is rightfully due to them.

Conflicts and lack of mutual understanding. A bad relationship between mother and child does not go unnoticed. Conflicts between generations are inevitable, but there are truly irreconcilable differences. Negative emotions accumulate, and then children feel alienation, anger, and emptiness. The inability or unwillingness of a mother to establish contact with her son or daughter leads to the fact that children hate the woman they should love and respect.

The power of the mother. If a woman does not allow her child to take a step without her own approval, then at first she can indeed serve as an unquestioning authority for him. But after a while, a child or a teenager will definitely rebel, and a real war will begin, which will lead to hatred. Unfortunately, mothers rarely understand their mistakes and continue to attack even when the child has long become an adult: they meddle in personal life, control, and impose their opinions. Then the relationship with your son or daughter never becomes friendly.

Mother's jealousy towards the child's father. Most often, this problem concerns daughters due to their belonging to the fair sex. Why does a daughter hate her mother within the framework of psychology? Sometimes women behave instinctively, without listening to the voice of reason. Mothers are unconsciously jealous of their husband, especially if a warm, trusting relationship has developed between dad and daughter, and not everything is going smoothly between the spouses at this time. As a result, the mother constantly humiliates her daughter, trying to compete with her in the fight for the attention of her man, spoiling relationships with both and causing fierce hatred in your child.

Violence in family. Psychological and physical terror on the part of the mother completely kills all the child’s positive feelings towards her. It is simply impossible to forgive such an attitude, because it leaves an indelible imprint on the child’s psyche. Children who have suffered from domestic violence in the family most often say with complete confidence: “I hate my mother!” And how else should you relate to a person who beats and bullies you, although he should be your support and support in everything?

These reasons for negative feelings towards your mother are quite understandable. It is quite difficult to establish relationships after such events, but hatred of the one who gave birth poisons the child’s life and has negative consequences even in the distant future.

Mom pisses me off and annoys me: reasons

The mother has developed her own stereotype of behavior, and it does not always correspond to the expectations of other people. If she has a dominant character , then she tries in every possible way to impose her will on everyone around her.

This causes irritation, since any person strives to make decisions himself and have his own opinion. You try to resist her attempts to control , but this causes an even stronger response in her - it is difficult for her to accept that you stop obeying her.

Irritation may arise due to differences in temperaments. For example, you are a nervous melancholic person, prone to fears, mood swings and doubts. And the mother is a bright choleric person, constantly active, on the move.

Why do I hate my mother? If there is no emotional connection with the child , this affects the future relationship with them. It should be formed in childhood, ideally from infancy. Did you feel maternal love or, on the contrary, did you feel coldness and indifference?

You may hate your mother because she strives to completely control your life , while you want to be independent.

The desire for independence is a natural need of an adult personality.

You may hate your mother because she paid little attention to you as a child and spent most of her time focusing on herself rather than on the child.

Analyze your life, childhood years - how your relationship with your parents developed, who raised you more.

It also matters what emotions other relatives invested in you. Unfortunately, it happens that, for example, a mother-in-law, hating her daughter-in-law , obviously or subconsciously seeks to pass on this attitude to her grandchildren.

Have there been times in your life when you were told how you should treat your mother?

Maternal love as a consequence of unwanted pregnancy

In everyday life, we are used to seeing happy children next to equally happy mothers. Alas, the current environment, poor heredity, as well as the decline in health indicators both among older members of society and among young urban residents, entail frequent metamorphoses in which seemingly healthy women suffer from infertility. Therefore, today for many of them, the number one pressing problem and insoluble issue is the inability to become a mother. In such cases, unhappy women look with tears in their eyes and involuntary envy at other representatives of the fair sex who have already experienced the joy of motherhood.

Despite the irresistible feeling of joy that every young mother should experience, today there are often ladies who are not particularly happy about their pregnancy, and especially about motherhood. Unfortunately, such non-standard trivial situations still happen among some representatives of the fair sex. As a result, women who give birth during an unwanted pregnancy are then unable to adequately express their feelings towards their own child. The unfortunate baby, being a child and then growing up as a full-fledged mature person, then often asks the question: “Why did my mother never love me?”

Comments from psychologist Olga Egortseva

– Everyone has long known that many human problems come from childhood and early childhood experiences play a decisive role in fate. Child-parent relationships are an eternal topic that never exhausts itself, giving rise to a lot of conflicting advice and recommendations from various experts. True, one of the most authoritative experts in this field, the English psychoanalyst D. W. Winnicott, expressed thoughts that such recommendations could even be harmful, since they deprive parents of intuitive wisdom and self-confidence. At all times, mothers knew what to do to provide the child with what they needed; they successfully coped with this task, performing actions “on a whim.”

But it is important to understand that love (in our case, parental) is a complex process, and not just an instinct. Human development is structured in such a way that at the initial stage of development the child is absolutely dependent on the mother

Over time, an understanding comes that at this stage it was maternal care that provided the conditions that made it possible to live and further develop as an individual.

At the same time, no matter how difficult the thought is that there is also hatred in feelings towards the mother, it should be recognized that in fulfilling her role the mother is a representative of the demanding outside world. She introduces a small and defenseless creature to reality, which is often the opposite of desires. They get angry with the mother, and the child, whose love is undeniable, always has room for negative feelings.

With the father’s role, everything is even more complicated, because if the mother sacrifices her personal interests from birth (which is inevitable at least in the first months) and is completely responsible for the child’s life, then the father may not realize the significance of his role in upbringing. When a child appears in a family, even if it is long-awaited, it is always a crisis, that is, it rebuilds the system of family relationships and leads to a redistribution of responsibility. The most obvious consequence of this is that a woman can no longer pay as much attention to her husband as before. In Mary's story, her father's betrayal could be an extreme case of failure to overcome this crisis.

The second heroine, Polina, speaks about her parents with a feeling of great resentment towards them, points out unreasonable demands, a reluctance to understand her, accept her interests and values: according to her, her parents refused to see in her an independent person who has the right to make her own choices and bear responsibility for him. They imposed their opinions on her, based on their personal life experiences, which led to protest behavior on her part and a complete loss of trust in the relationship

Perhaps at first this behavior was an attempt to attract parental attention, then it became a habit, and the girl became completely confused, never resolving family conflicts

Of course, the parents did not wish harm to their child and did not at all want to make him unhappy. This is an example of one of the main problems in parent-child relationships. Often, at the stage of growing up, parents forget that all their responsibilities in preparing their child for adult life have already been successfully completed and the moment has come when it is time to let their children go into an independent life in which they have the right to independently build their future. The natural result of growing up is separation - separation from parents. Many not only experience anxiety about this, which is completely acceptable and understandable, but simply cannot show trust in their child, do not want to take this fact for granted and turn his life into a nightmare filled with parental terror. One of the most painful and common options is the imposition of a profession.

Often in such relationships a certain attitude of “should” is manifested: “We raised you, put you on your feet, now you should be an excellent student, enter a prestigious university, get a normal profession, start a family,” etc. This “should” ignores the real needs of a person and does not lead to only to feelings of irritation and anger, but can also cause feelings of guilt for not living up to someone’s expectations.

No matter how much you would like to look after your child all his life, it is worth thinking about the fact that he will be truly grateful to you if he becomes an independent person who knows that his parents are the people who love him for who he is, and not as they wanted him to be. would like to see him. A person who did not receive such love in childhood, ready for patience and sympathy, will find it very difficult to learn it later.

Consequences of conflicts between child and mother

Family psychologists never tire of repeating how important the relationship between a mother and her child is. A person’s self-confidence and his future successes in his personal life often depend on the level of home warmth. What are the consequences of such hatred?

In the future, it may be difficult for a child to find a common language with his own children.
Due to the lack of maternal support and her eternal criticism, a person develops unnecessary complexes.
Often conflicts with the mother result in the child, in principle, being unable to love and build relationships.
Conflicts in the family often become a stimulus for increased aggressiveness in life.
Due to strained relationships with the closest and dearest person, the child may develop bad habits in the future.

Psychologists have repeatedly been able to establish that a person’s problems often come from the family. The inability to build long-term relationships, conflicts with one’s own children, career failures - all this gives rise to enmity with the mother.

Moreover, the person himself may not think about how much his complexes are connected with this enmity. This is why it is so important to sometimes talk to a specialist and explain how and when the complexes arose.

Of course, it is simply impossible to resolve a long-term conflict with a parent in one evening over a cup of tea. This is a long process that involves a constant struggle with one’s own inner demons. Moreover, the initiative must come from both sides. Both mother and her child must realize how important this relationship is for them and make concessions.

Over time, the situation should normalize. However, if relatives continue to develop complexes, the situation should be studied in more detail. Perhaps the mother’s aggressiveness has long roots and is connected with her personal problems in childhood, with grievances once hidden in the depths of her heart.

One way or another, the situation cannot be left unresolved. Mother and child should always communicate, because nothing in the world can replace such warmth, spiritual and physical. Listen to your mother’s advice, try to forget about the old enmity and the conflict will resolve itself.

Elena, Astrakhan

Conflict of interest between two adult women

The described problem gains more serious momentum in the daughter’s adulthood in her relationship with her mother. And if youthful maximalism projects problematic situations based more on fantasized grievances that do not exist in real life, then an adult woman in disputes with her mother is guided by real facts. “Mom doesn’t love my child”, “my mother continues to hate my husband”, “my mother only becomes more stubborn and angry with age” - such thoughts today often occur to mature, stately women who already have their own family and their own children. Often this behavior of mothers is explained by age: it is not for nothing that they say that old people are like children. Excessive touchiness, manifestations of annoyance, and frequent upsets for no reason are increasingly common in older women. And on whom else should they take out the costs of their old age, if not on their children?

Why does an adult son insult his parents?

Such a hopeless story is unnatural for a mother who loves her son, which means that every mother is simply obliged to immediately extinguish the anger that flared up inside her and force herself to calm down. By responding with insult to insult, you will only sow the seed of discord and anger and thereby aggravate the already difficult situation. Therefore, first of all, you should figure out what are the reasons for such boorish behavior of an adult son (or daughter)?

And to do this, you need to honestly answer a number of unpleasant questions to yourself:

1. When your son, very young or already in school, came to you with his strange drawing (or he was scared in the panic room) - remember, did you laugh at him?

For a man, a woman’s ridicule is always a trauma, and a mother’s ridicule is a very deep trauma. Don't forget about it! Your little son could remember the ridicule and unknowingly harbor resentment for many years to come.

2. Kindergarten or school. Perhaps your son received a lot of comments and complaints from teachers, or third-party people tried to lecture your child in public. Have you always been on the side of your son, or did you support a stranger and, in unison with her, were indignant in public at your son’s hooligan act?

If your boy has really committed a crime, do not pat him on the head for it. But he should hear your indignation and receive a well-deserved punishment at home. And let teachers, educators or the saleswoman of a nearby store only know that you will definitely understand this situation. But you will never reprimand your son with them!

3. Have you yourself said hurtful and insulting words to your child (during a quarrel or for “educational” purposes)?

How does hatred of a mother affect a child's life?

Hatred towards a loved one is a destructive condition that is associated with an equally severe feeling of guilt. A person cannot bear them for a long time without talking through them and without changing the situation. Suppressed anger is directed against the person himself, health, and against the people around him.

A man thinks about his mother

When aggression cannot be directed at the address, it moves on to one’s body - this is how psychosomatic problems or self-harm appear. If hatred is turned against the person himself, a tendency to destructive or risky behavior, dangerous habits, and addictions appears.

Ignoring difficult emotional experiences creates a risk of depression and outbursts of anger. In adulthood, this affects relationships with your partner and children. The model of interaction that was once created with the mother continues to be played out within one’s own family.

Why can a mother hate her child?

In general, of course, it is definitely difficult to answer such a question. It’s hard to imagine why a mother might hate her child. But, nevertheless, for some individuals this situation is considered the norm. Tyranny on the part of the mother usually manifests itself like this:

She makes all decisions in the family for you.
Your opinion has no place in the family.
Total control accompanies you everywhere.
You are instilled with a feeling of guilt for everything
Systematically raises his hand, even for the slightest mistakes
Criticism haunts you for any reason
Constant punishments for no reason

Living with such a parent is definitely impossible. Children in such families, as a rule, grow up unsure of themselves and have many complexes. Why does this happen? Why can a mother hate her own blood? The answer to these questions should be sought in the distant past of women. The reasons for this attitude may be the following factors:

Unwanted pregnancy
The child's father left his woman because of him
The child looks like his dad, who left the family
The child serves as an obstacle to building new relationships

What is required of you in such a situation is not to succumb to the provocations of an embittered mother. Don’t create conflict, try not to get into trouble. Under no circumstances try to prove to your unfortunate mother that you are worth something. This will not help change the attitude towards you for the better. If you are an emotional person, you will have to learn to control your emotions and silently, in practice, prove that you are right. If you live with a mother who hates you, you should behave like this:

Be patient
Do not shout in response to the screams of the parent
If you have already reached the age of majority, you can find other accommodation
Learn to make decisions
Explain to your mom that you have grown up and have the right to choose.

Of course, it will be difficult for you, and the help of relatives or loved ones will be very helpful in this situation. It is difficult psychologically to accept the fact that your own mother hates you. If you feel like you can’t cope on your own, contact a psychologist.

Mother-tyrant, monster: psychological portrait

Unfortunately, a tyrant mother is not such a rare phenomenon .

Everyone suffers from this - husband, child and herself.

Negative attitudes primarily affect children.

Signs that a mother is a tyrant:

Your own opinion is not taken into account ; it is secondary or not taken into account at all.
The mother strives to make any decisions for you , and no other option is discussed. When she tries to resist, she says that she knows better what is right.
You live in a state of complete control by your parent.
She wants to know everything that is happening to you, what you are thinking about, where you are, who you are communicating with.
Evaluates and criticizes friends , tries to choose her social circle, prohibiting contact with those she does not like.
She seeks to control even grown children . This is expressed in constant calls, advice, reproaches, requests for help, and blackmail.
A woman raises her voice and may raise her hand. Disobedience is punished harshly.
Punishments in such a family are regular occurrences , even for minor offenses.
They convince you that you are obliged to help your mother, obey her in everything, and not contradict her . She tries to convince you that it was her destiny to raise the child, and now you owe it to her.
She tries to instill in you a feeling of guilt - for any act, action, birth, or her failed career.
She constantly emphasizes how much she has done for her child, how much effort she has invested.
Calls several times a day , demanding a report on where you are and what you are doing.
Criticizes for any reason , even when there is no reason for it.

Living with such a woman is unbearable. Children, as a rule, grow up with low self-esteem and are dependent on the opinions of their parents. It is difficult for them to navigate through life, since they are used to having everything decided for them.

At the same time, a tyrant mother may be constantly dissatisfied with the successes of her child, what heights he has not reached.

They make very difficult mothers-in-law, who rarely accept their daughter-in-law and seek to destroy her connection with her son.

The tyrant mother also has a set of her own complexes. She tries to control her loved ones due to internal insecurity .

Failures in her personal life and career lead to her trying to realize herself in the family and take at least some position.

The need to control everything causes internal tension and discontent, as loved ones resist tyranny .

At the same time, the woman does not understand why the children do not want to obey her, avoid contact, and then strive to leave the family as quickly as possible.

Hot temper

The problem of fathers and children is eternal. Do you sometimes feel like arguments with your parents are endless and have no end? Do you feel like your mother doesn't love you? How to live if you want to cry from parental injustice? All these questions often arise on the basis of some rash conclusions made by children in their opinion of their parents. Only in dysfunctional families can we talk about the real reasons for parental dislike. But often the child’s feeling of negativity from his mother is due to his own fantasized and unrealistic guesses. Hot temper is one of the first criteria from which absolutely no conclusions can be drawn. In a quarrel or scandalous situation, a person may throw into the air a phrase that he will later deeply regret. In view of this, all conflicts should always be tried to be resolved in a sober mind and sound consciousness, with steam running, and not in a fit of anger. Then you can reach a consensus and avoid obsessive ideas about how to live if your mother doesn’t love you.

How can we try to improve the current situation?

Here is one of the techniques. Invite your son to draw. For example, draw your family. First, you can ask him what family means to him, who his family is. The picture can show a family on a walk, at lunch, at a birthday party, etc.

The child will determine this himself. Next, ask the boy to name 2-3 positive qualities that each family member has, or what each person does best. And it’s better to start with him himself.

Summarize what you drew, note how soulful the drawing turned out, what a beautiful and strong family it shows, how many good qualities the family has. Praise your son for his drawing, for his ability to note the positive characteristics of everyone, add a few more positive qualities to his “portrait”.

Ways to deal with mother hatred

It is normal to experience difficult feelings due to conflict with loved ones. But it's worth asking what happens next to these feelings:

they are realized or suppressed;
accumulate as a heavy burden or splash out in the form of anger on others;
what is hidden behind hatred - a feeling of humiliation, powerlessness, fear, anger, resentment.

The girl is alone with her troubles.
A child who still lives with his parents can hardly influence the situation in the home and family. But you can help yourself, learn to support yourself, and handle your emotions correctly.

What to do if you hate and are angry with your mother

Accept your anger and not blame yourself for it: “I have the right to be angry, irritated, offended by my mother, and this does not make me a bad person.”
Think about what lies behind the hatred. Hatred is a very strong feeling that overshadows the others, but it does not mean the entire attitude towards the mother.
It is safe for yourself and others to be angry. A lot of problems in relationships are due to the fact that loved ones suppress negative feelings towards each other, accumulate them, and then take it out on others. You can speak your irritation out loud before it overwhelms you, write your thoughts down on paper; throw out anger into actions - stomp, growl, hit a pillow, tear paper.
Learn to correctly convey your thoughts and feelings. For example, to use I-messages - during a conflict, do not reproach and blame, but explain your state: not “you don’t understand me!”, but “I feel lonely” or “it’s difficult for me to deal with the problem myself.” Such expressions sound unusual at first, but later help people understand each other.
Seek support. You can almost always find a trustworthy adult in your environment - this could be a relative, a teacher, a coach, a school psychologist. It is not necessary to tell the situation at home in detail - a simple, confidential conversation with an adult on an abstract topic will already change the situation.

The girl thinks about her mother

A grown child, having left the parental home, still needs contact with his mother - this is a feature of the human psyche. The attachment to the mother lasts throughout life. If this connection was painful, communication between grown-up children and their parents does not bring joy and causes resentment and anger. But a grown child can take some responsibility for the relationship.

What to do with hatred of a mother in an already grown child

Go to a psychologist. Both a joint visit and an individual visit will be effective. If the proposal to go together to a psychologist causes ridicule, sarcasm, or devaluation from the mother, there is no need to insist, it is better to sign up for a consultation yourself, the benefits will be no less.
Refuse the image of an idealized mother. Every child dreams of a loving, accepting, supportive mother, but in reality, few have such parents. The psychological solution would be to admit that I will no longer have the mother I dream of.
Give yourself what your mother didn’t give you. Find out for myself what emotional needs I have - support, a sense of security, approval, love, and learn to satisfy them myself.
Define your psychological boundaries. Healthy boundaries mean that a person calmly and confidently explains how he can be treated and how he cannot be treated, while not “rolling out tanks” at every careless word or behavior.
Find out what kind of love is right for you. Often mothers do not know kind, supportive words, but they can show care in other ways - handing over potatoes from the dacha, knitting socks for their grandchildren. Discuss in what form your mother can show her love, and in which you are ready to accept.

How to come to terms with the fact that your mother didn’t love you - and live without a judging voice in your head

The Alpina Non-Fiction publishing house published a book by publicist Peg Streep, “The Unloved Daughter,” dedicated to the problems faced by grown-up daughters of cold mothers. Summarizing her personal experience and conversations with other women suffering from constant resentment, insecurity and self-criticism, she reveals a step-by-step path to getting rid of childhood traumas. Below is an excerpt from a chapter about how to stop beating yourself up and start treating yourself better.

Learn to be compassionate with yourself

Many people find that self-compassion is very helpful for people who are trying to overcome the effects of a difficult childhood and need help to silence the voice of self-criticism. Research has shown that self-compassion helps you recover from failure and improve yourself.

What it is? If compassion involves sympathy for the troubles of other people, caring for them and understanding, then self-compassion works in the same way, only directed towards one’s own self.

It is important that self-compassion has nothing to do with self-pity, since pity focuses on the self as separate from others and reinforces the perception of "oh, I'm a poor thing, no one has suffered like that." Self-pity is rather selfish.

Self-compassion does not involve self-aggrandizement or an inflated opinion of oneself that increases one's own importance, since in this case the self is also isolated. Self-compassion is the act of empathizing with yourself and your experiences.

Mommie dearest

Research shows that self-compassion can help you get through difficult times and overcome obsessive thoughts, a problem that most unloved daughters face. How can we gain this ability to silence the voice of self-criticism? I’ll share some layman’s advice, based on personal experience, but backed by scientific evidence. Following them, do not forget about “cold processing”, that is, remember not the feelings, but the reasons that caused them.

Look at your childhood photo

Take a look at this girl (yourself) and try to see her through the eyes of a stranger. Why is she attractive? Talk to her, comfort her and admit that she was very lonely and unhappy. Now ask yourself, why would this child seem undeserving of love to someone? On my Facebook page, hundreds of women share their experiences with this exercise. Everyone finds their little self at least charming.

It is also useful to look at photographs of yourself in late childhood or adolescence. For example, looking at them, I was never able to discern the “fat woman” that my mother saw, or the impossibly difficult child about whom she complained all day and night. Look at yourself as if from the outside and remember what this girl was like in those years - what she loved to do, what books she read, what she laughed at, what she dreamed about, what she was striving for. Once you know your younger self, it is easier to feel compassion for yourself.

Focus on at least three things you like about yourself

These could be character traits, talents or abilities - things that make you happy to be yourself. Think broadly - perhaps what you love most about yourself is not something global, but charming little things, for example, the fact that people feel at ease and pleasant with you, or the ability to create a culinary masterpiece out of nothing. It doesn't have to be something big like winning Wimbledon, writing a bestseller, or becoming the head of a major corporation. You may love your hair, your talent as a gardener, your ability to make a child laugh, or the fact that you are a true expert in your profession. If you are confused, ask a friend or significant other to help you find these traits.

The critical voice reduces you to a set of negative characteristics that your parent used to belittle or control you. Self-compassion will allow her to add to the list all the things she didn’t want to notice.

I Tonya

Draw a drawing, create a collage or an “altar” that symbolizes your strengths.

To some this may seem purely esoteric, but self-expression in any material will help clarify and strengthen your intentions, require new thinking and allow you to look at yourself differently. If you don't know how to draw, describe your best traits (tenacious, capable, loyal, excellent cook, virtuoso knitter) and download suitable images or cut out photos from magazines to create a positive "portrait" of yourself.

You can create an “altar” - yes, it’s something New Age, but I once wrote a whole book about New Age. Select objects and images that symbolize your gifts, passions, or aspirations. Arrange them on a shelf, table or windowsill and use them as a visual reminder of your assets.

Make Self-Compassion Your Goal

We'll get back to setting goals later, but for now, I'll point out that you can work on your self-compassion goal the same way you would work on any other goal, such as starting to save money, cleaning out your closet, or finding a new job. Write down the goal and steps to achieve it. You can use the following statements: “I will not be hard on myself when things go wrong. Everyone makes mistakes sometimes,” “I must look at my mistakes taking into account the situation and perceive them adequately. They do not prove that I am not good for anything,” “When I am criticized, I must feel the ground under my feet, listen to the criticism and restore my balance. Can anything useful be gleaned from these words, or should we simply discard them?

If you feel yourself falling into habitual self-flagellation, challenge it, challenge the criticism, and then switch to self-compassion. Record your progress by describing situations where you refrained from critical self-perception, and reward yourself with something pleasant. This is called positive reinforcement.

Ask yourself, “Am I being self-compassionate?”

Write down this question and place it where you will have it in front of your eyes at all times. Remind yourself that this is a step-by-step process and that the first steps may be very small, but the next time you encounter a challenge or become discouraged, you will show yourself compassion instead of singing along to the angry critic in your head.

How to stop a stuck record

Research shows that self-criticism is often the result of a child internalizing harsh and offensive verbal assessments from his mother or father or siblings. It is also fueled by signals sent by both actions and inactions (expressions of hostility or deprivation of comfort and support). Unloved daughters of mothers prone to verbal aggression often report - and I confirm from my own experience - that it is extremely difficult to silence the stuck record of self-criticism in the head, even with the help of a psychotherapist. One of the “gifts” of an unloving mother is the unhealthy habit of blaming herself for any failure, aggravated by the fact that daughters with insecure attachments have poor control over emotions.

How to silence the inner voice that criticizes you? This is one of the most difficult tasks, at least according to our sisters in misfortune. Consider the following techniques:

Acknowledge the existence of this voice

Become aware of your thoughts and make them explicit: say them out loud, write them down. Understand that this is the voice of a person who did not love you. It's an uninvited guest in your head.

Challenge that voice

If you verbalize the statements you have internalized, or even write them down, it will become clear that they only had power over you because you believed them as a child. Object, say that you are not stupid or lazy, not a burden and not boring to anyone - depending on what was instilled in you. If no one is around, speak out loud.

Counter the voice's claims with facts.

The old habit of self-criticism kicks in when you're depressed and overwhelmed by problems, rejection, or failure. Neutralize the reaction by identifying your emotions or using cognitive reappraisal. Then sit down and analyze the reasons for the event that caused the stress. Writing down alternatives to the automatic reaction of self-criticism may help you cope with it, especially if you know how to accept responsibility for mistakes without falling into self-blame. Suppose a friend or loved one breaks up with you, and by default a “record” is turned on in your head, claiming that there is nothing to love you for, you are unattractive and ugly. Respond to the voice as an outside observer would, considering what happened, for example: “We broke up because I once chose a person who was unable to listen and probably did not want a close relationship with me under any circumstances. It has nothing to do with my flaws or attractiveness. The whole point is that I chose the wrong person.”

To heal, you must accept both your strengths and weaknesses and understand that failure is an inevitable part of life.

Friday The 13

Have an internal dialogue.

Remind yourself of strengths and talents that your mother and perhaps other family members ignored, ridiculed, or underestimated. (My mother, who was very afraid of being considered not smart enough, always belittled my academic achievements, except when she could brag about them in her circle.) Write them down and find a place for the list where you can see it every day and read it out loud. If you find it difficult to come up with such a list, ask your friend or lover what they admire about you. Remember, what you were told was meant to make you feel worthless.

Analyze your ideas about yourself

Do you think individuality—yours and everyone else’s—is innate and unchangeable, or do people have the ability to develop and change? This is not empty philosophizing: your views support or weaken self-perception and influence behavior, as Carol Dweck's work has proven.

Consider your views carefully. If you believe that personality is unchangeable, you will not be able to silence the inner voice that criticizes you, because this belief forces you to believe what was instilled in you in childhood.

Dweck argues that our beliefs about personality determine not only how we respond to certain situations, but also how we feel about them and how we act in them. Before reading further, think and answer what you think: is personality unchangeable or is it plastic and capable of change? Consider also how you feel about yourself—your characteristics and character traits—and others. Dweck notes that people who believe in the ability to change face challenges with confidence, work hard at challenging tasks, and bounce back more quickly from setbacks.

Your beliefs and fear of rejection

An interesting study by Lauren Howey and Carol Dweck found that people who believe that personality is fixed experience rejection less well than those who believe that personality is flexible and changeable. The fact is that the former, having been rejected, see this as confirmation of “the truth about them,” which aggravates their suffering.

If you are convinced that personality and character cannot be changed, then you are unlikely to believe that rejection can contribute to your growth and development. Scientists have found that some people suffer even five years after being rejected. Many try to completely erase failed relationships from their biography in the belief that anyone who finds out about them will also want to reject them.

Do you notice something similar behind you? This is an important question. Here is the answer from 42-year-old Karol: “I would like to believe that I can change, but, remembering all the failures in my personal life, I doubt it. I'm starting to realize that I push people away with my constant need for confirmation that they need me, and I'm always afraid of a catch. If I can’t get rid of this, I don’t think serious changes will be possible.”

And here’s mine: you can unlearn everything you’ve learned to do; losing faith in the possibility of change is unproductive and wrong. Unlearning is difficult, but certainly possible.

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A child swears at school: what to do?

We have already said that after five years a child swears consciously and, moreover, does it intentionally. That is, he already knows when and what word is best to use. At this age, the main thing is to chop while still standing. Then school, friends and independent life begin. Well, as an independent person - you no longer walk hand in hand with him, he begins to communicate more often and more with his peers, goes to visit them (or vice versa)

It is important not to let this situation slip, but also not to go too far

If a child swears at school:

Under no circumstances, do not scold or hit! At this age, the child begins to form as a personality. He makes his own friends, lays the foundations of communication and even a position among his peers. If you scold, criticize, or, even worse, beat your child, he will simply withdraw into himself. And this will not only have a bad effect on communication with friends, but also on your studies. After all, an insecure person doubts everything.
Perhaps he made not very good, let's say, comrades. Another very common mistake made by most parents is to forbid him to be friends with anyone or to force him to make friends that you like. This will only result in riots and even more swearing. If he really got involved in bad company, try to gently and unobtrusively convince him that these are not the best friends.

At this age, aspects such as meaning and position in society already become important. There is no need to tell tales about Leshy who takes away bad boys. And speaking swear words is bad. If a 7-year-old child swears, he himself understands it perfectly well. Heartfelt conversations are important here. Moreover, things need to be called by their proper names. Press (only gently, without pressure) on who he will become. It’s worth giving clear examples of which people on the street swear more often (you don’t need to look for them for long).
Swearing is often used to express anger. You can create such a rule in your family - replace obscene words with acceptable and harmless expressions. Let those around you not understand you in this case. But then, just get closer to your child.

Better yet, teach and let your child understand that there is another way to get rid of tension. For example, play sports, run or just take a walk in the fresh air.
Although we said that there is no need to tell children fairy tales about the dangers of swearing at this age, one version can be announced at this age. By saying swear words, we seem to turn to the dark side of life and turn away from our guardian angel. Therefore, troubles and troubles will happen in life.
If teachers complain about a student, do not press the drill on the child with them. At this age, the support and faith of parents is very important. Of course, you also don’t need to attack teachers in defense of your child. Just try to figure out what happened at home. If a child loses his temper, try to find out the reason. Find out if there is anything you can do to help or come up with a joint solution to the problem.
And one more piece of advice - slowly let the child go away from you. He must prepare for adulthood and become independent. Give him the right to choose and vote in your family, let him make mistakes. Always support your child, but do not control or dictate too much. Especially at that age.

Why does she hate me?

To understand why this happens, it is worth studying the woman’s past. The children are not at all to blame for the fact that she hates them. It is likely that she had an unwanted pregnancy and that the child's father abandoned her.

Hate can be one of the symptoms of fatigue. It also develops when life is full of failures and a person blames other people for this.

Reasons for hatred:

She does not know how to love and expresses her feelings in this way. Love is taught in childhood. If a woman did not have an emotional connection with her mother, then this became the reason that she was not able to establish the necessary contact with her child.
The child was not wanted. In this case, the offspring are rejected. But since he still needs to be raised, the woman has no other choice.
The child is like a father who is not around . In this case, the woman is forced to see a copy of her man every day, which causes additional irritation. Negative feelings are especially obvious when not only the appearance, but also the character of the child is similar to the father.
The woman has mental disorders - depression, schizophrenia, neuroses. In this case, adequate perception of reality is disrupted.
The child is perceived as an obstacle to personal life .
My mother dreamed of making a career, but pregnancy got in the way. She wanted to get married or find another partner, but the child is perceived as an obstacle to the relationship.
The behavior of a son or daughter does not correspond to expectations and ideas about ideal children . When giving birth to children, many parents have an idea of what they would like them to be like. However, expectations are not always met. Children grow up with their own character, needs, and a certain line of behavior, which is not always correct from the parents’ point of view.
Weak emotional connection with the child . It did not appear after childbirth, and the woman did not try to do anything to establish it. In this case, we can talk about a cold mother who does not know how or is not capable of experiencing warm feelings for her children.

Saying “I hate you” in the heat of an argument does not mean actually experiencing hatred.

But if such behavior is observed regularly along with accusations and aggressive actions, then we can talk about hatred.

Misjudgments

The main causes of girlish disorder regarding unacceptable (through the eyes of children) behavior of parents can be their following judgments:

“My mother loves my sister, but she hates me.” 50% of children living in families where there is more than one child think so. The eternal battle of lots between brothers and sisters regarding who receives more parental love is due to typical manifestations of youthful egoism. Often, these are, again, far-fetched beliefs of teenagers.
"My mom doesn't like my boyfriend." Another rather stupid belief that is common among many young girls. Any mother (especially of the Soviet type) does not accept her daughter’s relationship at such a young age in general, in principle. And this does not mean that she does not like the young man who is her daughter’s boyfriend; it only means that she considers any romantic relationship with her participation to be too premature.
“My mother doesn’t love me because I interfere with her life.” When girls hear various kinds of comments from their mothers, for example, regarding unsatisfactory academic performance or the inability to clean up after themselves, or about refusal to help with housework, at this age girls take everything with hostility. As a result, it seems to them that they are simply annoying their mother with their presence and feel completely misunderstood and unnecessary to their parents.

Requests for help Write your story My mom hates me. This can be heard in her words towards me and can be seen in her actions. She practically raised me alone and I ruined her whole life. I believed that my mother is the only person who will never betray and will always love, but I was never so mistaken. She is not interested in anything about me. She only tells me about herself and her friends. Lately I have heard so much from her towards me, these were insults of various types. She yells at me for no reason, she doesn’t like the way I walk, breathe, look and in general everything about me and myself. She even beat me and threw iron hangers at me. I don't want to live anymore. No one needs me. Without me, it will be easier for everyone, and my mother will no longer have this burden on her shoulders.

Maria, age: - / 02/05/2015

Responses:

Mashenka, even if your mother doesn’t love you, this is not a reason to die. Have you tried talking to her about this? Maybe she is one of those people who, in a fit of anger, cannot control themselves and does not know what they are doing? If you don’t get along with your mother at all, try to limit communication with her. If you are over 18, you can move away from her. But still, try to talk to her first, maybe she will hear you.

someone, age: ... / 02/05/2015

Mashenka! It seems to me that every mother sees in her child, first of all... HERSELF. Maybe she's not very happy with herself. And here it is you who can help her. It’s good that your mother shares with you, talks about herself. This means she needs your attention and approval. She wants you to love and appreciate her. Try to honestly evaluate your actions towards your mother. Do you say kind words to your mother? Do you often praise her lunch or dinner? Dress or hairstyle?! Are you saying that she is beautiful and beloved?! Do you regret being tired from work? Do you do your homework yourself or “under pressure”?! Are you trying hard in your studies? It's not about grades, but about trying to do well and understand everything. Believe me, all this is very important for any mother, as for any person. In response to their concern, any person expects a response, simple human warmth. They say correctly: “A tender calf sucks two queens.” Ask your mother about her childhood. What she liked, what upset her. Did her mother scold her, and why? Which subject did you love at school and which did you hate? What was the name of the kindest teacher? And so on. You will find a lot in common and become closer.

Elena Ordinary, age: 39 / 02/05/2015

Dear Maria! No, mommy loves you very much. She's just tired, it's very difficult to raise a daughter on her own. Suicide is a mortal, terrible sin. Suicides go to hell, they are there in ETERNAL melancholy, despondency, unbearable despair, they feel very bad, so bad that it is impossible to describe. For some reason, people think that since they feel bad and sad here, then there, after death, they will be better. How wrong they are. After all, the soul remains the same, and everything that it has in the soul at the moment of death, the same feeling will remain, only intensify even more, since outside the body all spiritual feelings become more acute. This is a betrayal of God, family, and oneself. Suicide is weakness and cowardice before a test. Dear Maria! Ask God for help, pray for your mom. Also ask for help from the Most Holy Theotokos, because She is our Heavenly Mother, She never rejects anyone who asks for Her intercession. Guardian Angel!

Victoria, age: 20 / 02/05/2015

Mariyka, you are not alone in this... There is a way out: you definitely need to find yourself a girlfriend, a friend, at least on this site, who will support you. And having found the right moment, directly and gently ask your mother the question, what are you doing wrong, because you love her! And help her understand that you are not to blame for everything. Without a third party it will be very difficult for you, but try. The main thing is to understand her! in her weaknesses; it will be easier to survive all this. There are loving, not indifferent people here, but be ready to accept the reality of life: there are very few truly loving people in this world, because they don’t believe in God

Real, age: 40 / 02/06/2015

I have the same thing, all my life we argued with my mother, in the end she wrote to me that she no longer has a daughter and she no longer recognizes me. I have my own family, this is of course a stone in my soul, but she made her choice, I don’t pretend to have a relationship with her. My father didn’t raise me either; they divorced when I was 8 years old. I practically didn’t see my mother, when I got up in the morning she was no longer there, in the evening she came late, just asked if I had done my homework and that’s all. so harsh living conditions also imply cold relationships. but you shouldn’t take your life because of this. look for a person who will love you, just look well.

O, age: 20 / 02/06/2015

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Psychologist's comment:

— First of all, thank you for sharing something personal in such a difficult situation.

You understand correctly: your mother lives her life in a state of victimhood, blaming her daughter, parents, and circumstances for all unfulfilled dreams and unfulfilled plans. She has not achieved the top in life, and it is difficult for her to accept your achievements. It’s also difficult to accept that you are younger, more successful and build your life the way you see fit.

And you understand that it’s not about you. And the fact is that my mother never managed to become the mistress of her life and realize herself in the way she needed. If a person feels happy, he will never wish harm on another. Unfortunately, people act badly and unfairly because they themselves are traumatized, unloved, and lonely.

You can safely assume how much love is inside this woman. It's not enough. And this is neither good nor bad. It is a fact.

Photo: wpimg.pl

Realizing this will help you stop hoping that one day she will come to her senses and understand how wrong she behaved. This is the wisdom of accepting a person as he is. Allow him to live his life the way he chose. Allow him to make mistakes and understand that we don’t need to save him, he took this path himself.

The biggest disappointments happen where there are the most expectations. You shouldn’t expect your mother to listen to you and tell you why she behaved this way. She may not understand this herself.

A very important detail in any relationship: if you want to establish contact with someone, both parties must be interested in this.

If you want to share your joys and achievements, go to those people who will appreciate it

Tell important things to those who will share your happiness, and this will become a resource for you

Don't look where there is nothing.

Every person has an inner child, and everyone has it in different states. It depends on the situations that were lived in childhood and on how a person perceives them.

To simplify: the inner child is a child who lives in each of us and remembers all our wounds, grievances and disappointed hopes.

This is part of our psyche, and the main task for healing it is to listen to the inner voice of this child and gain more inner freedom.

When our inner child takes its rightful place and its needs are met, a person will act based on his needs and desires, and not out of a desire to please anyone.

Your inner girl, who remembers those difficult moments of childhood, needs your love and support. It will always be useful to her, no matter your age.

Talk mentally to your inner girl. Tell her that she is not to blame for anything. That she deserves love on a huge scale! But don't expect love from those who don't have much of it.

I recommend using the “Healing the Inner Child” technique (meditation). You can also read a book about this by Lucia Capaccione - “Regaining Your Inner Child.”

Try to understand why this particular woman became your mother? What have you learned from this relationship? How long has there been a difficult mother-daughter relationship on the female side of your family? Perhaps you will have the wisdom and strength to change this, transform it in a positive direction and pass on wisdom to the next generation?

Even from your letter it feels like you are a strong girl. And the tasks you face in your life are also within your capabilities. The one who walks will master the road - joy to you on this journey!

Getting rid of the problem in 6 steps

You have already realized that negative feelings towards your own mother, nurtured since childhood and strengthened, interfere with a normal life. Therefore, we must gather our strength and begin to act. You will not be able to completely cancel your hatred of your parent, but it is quite possible to alleviate your condition. The following 6 steps will help you get rid of oppressive feelings:

Stop quarreling and conflicting. An adult can hardly be changed, so your fight against manifestations of maternal character is simply pointless. In addition, conflicts are exhausting and further strain the family situation. After any quarrel, an unpleasant aftertaste remains, which causes anxiety for a long time. Raise the white flag and try not to take any negativity from your mother to heart. Most likely, without waiting for your usual reaction, she will weaken the pressure and stop quarreling.
Talk to your mother. You shouldn’t tell her straight to her face: “I hate you!” Try to explain your negative feelings in other, softer terms. For example: “I’m tired of your endless nagging and coldness. I’m already an adult, but I still don’t feel spiritual closeness with you. I’m bitter and offended by this, because I miss your maternal warmth so much.” It is possible that your words will touch the strings of her soul and force the mother to reconsider her views and change her tactics to a softer one.
Look for compromises. Sometimes this is difficult, especially if the mother is used to being obeyed unquestioningly. But it's worth a try. For example, if your mother constantly monitors you and calls you a hundred times a day, tell her that you yourself will notify her about important events in your life. If she scolds you and raises her voice for any reason, warn her that now your relationship is reaching a new level, where everyone has only constructive dialogue. There is a high probability that the mother will listen to your words and reconsider her behavior that makes you hate.
Live separately. If you have already reached the age and financial situation when you are able to live separately, be sure to jump out of the family nest. Why endure negative emotions if you can reduce contact with your mother? It is quite possible that your relationship with her will improve after this or that your hatred will decrease at least a little. Sometimes long-distance relationships are much more satisfying than daily contact with all the ensuing consequences.
Don't let your mother know about your personal life. Even if you hate your mother, she still cares about you and wants to be aware of all the events that happen in the life of her child. Try not to be frank with her. Then she will have much less reason for questions and advice, and, accordingly, mom will annoy you less with her monologues. As they say, he knows less, sleeps better.
Contact a family therapist. The specialist will tell you at what point your relationship with your mother deteriorated. You will work through the traumatic situation and let it go. You may need several sessions of psychotherapy, but in any case it will be very effective work. As a result, you will either improve your relationship with your mother, or learn to accept negativity from her more easily.

And most importantly, no matter how you feel about your mother, do not lose yourself, do not focus on the problem and continue to live in spite of your hatred. There is always a way out, the main thing is not to give up and fight for your happiness and harmony with your inner world.

What to do with old grudges

Your task is to restore the interrupted cycle “emotion – desire – action”. To do this, you need to figure out what exactly interrupted him.

For example, you love your mother so much that it is impossible to express your feelings to her. It seems that if you honestly tell her about how hurt and offended you are, your mother will immediately treat you differently and begin to love you less.

I think your fears may be partly correct and adequate. Mom, especially if she is old and has always been hot-tempered and touchy, can easily take offense at your claims. But any complaints can always be formulated in an inoffensive manner.

Compare: “Mom, I want to tell you honestly: you ruined my whole life and I hate you!” and “Mom, I have heavy feelings in my soul. Will you listen to what I say? When you told me that you didn’t want me, I felt completely unnecessary to you. I was very hurt. It would help me a lot if you said that you really don’t think so and that you are important.”

Of course, not every mother will be affected by such words. Some mothers may even say something even more offensive in response. If it seems to you that this will be the case with your mother, then I completely trust your feeling. There is another way in this case.