“Help cope with loneliness!” - the cry of the soul of a person who does not feel the desired social connections. And it’s good if you have the strength to say this, but most often people hide under the guise of temporary depression, experiencing this feeling inside themselves. Why are people silent? Perhaps they are afraid of being judged, because admitting that you are lonely is sometimes the same as admitting that your life has failed.
Loneliness is a state of mind, and not a statement of the fact that there are no people around. It is an internal experience that even those who are surrounded by people experience. This is a psychological illness, and if left unattended, it can lead to disappointing consequences.
Today we will talk about how to cope with loneliness in the soul and return love to life, but first, let's figure out what impact this condition can have on a person.
The loneliness epidemic: is it really that serious?
Recently, Russian researchers conducted a survey in which 10 thousand Russians from different segments of the population over the age of 14 took part. It turned out that 43% of respondents experience loneliness, but despite the high rate, according to scientists, the situation is not catastrophic, because only 12% of them feel lonely almost always.
Most lonely people were among respondents aged 85 years and older (70%). Basically, the reasons for their condition were lack of work and living separately from their children. 30% of single respondents are young people. Their feelings of loneliness are exacerbated by the midlife crisis. It has been noticed that among people aged 60 years there is an increase in the proportion of those who consider themselves lonely. In most cases, this is due to the transition period (retirement). Most lonely people are observed in villages; in particular, 38% of women feel lonely. Scientists attribute this to the low standard of living. [P. Kozyreva, A. Smirnov, 2018].
Today, many countries are actively fighting loneliness: activities are being carried out that help not only improve the psychological state of the population, but also reduce healthcare costs.
In 2022, the position of Minister for Loneliness appeared in Japan and was filled by Tetsushi Sakamoto. Such innovations were facilitated by the coronavirus pandemic, which forced people to sit in isolation, refusing personal contact with loved ones. This situation undermined the mental state of many Japanese residents: some began to not only feel lonely, but fell into despair and even decided to commit suicide.
Disappointing suicide statistics in recent years have shown that people need urgent help, and the authorities have taken measures to combat loneliness. According to Tetsushi Sakamoto, the reasons for loneliness are problems with one’s own health, lack of personal and business relationships, and age-related characteristics when older people are left alone [T. Sakamato, 2021].
It would seem, what's special about this? A person is left to his own devices, and if he wants to communicate, he can look into social networks. But practice shows the opposite: if before the 2000s people more often chose their friends from those nearby, now all geographical boundaries are erased thanks to social networks and instant messengers. The millennial generation grew and developed along with the World Wide Web.
Today, those who are 25-35 years old have much more online friends and subscribers than the older generation, but transferring this communication into real life is not always possible; this is due to personality traits and the development of logistics. Those who were nearby move, others find themselves residents of distant cities, and even if you are nearby, it becomes difficult to organize a meeting - the traffic of modern life does not allow it. Communication through social networks has led to the fact that people have stopped working on relationships, and one caustic message can cross out even the strongest ties [M. Novikova, 2017].
Why is loneliness dangerous?
When we talk about loneliness, we mean a person’s painful state, which is associated with the lack of desired social connections, and not voluntary solitude. Research by scientists has confirmed that loneliness can worsen health and cause insomnia and depression [L. Heinrich, E. Gullone, 2006].
Other studies have shown that strong social connections reduce the risk of premature death by 50%. According to scientists, friendship and communication are a much stronger antidote than physical activity [J. Holt-Lunstad, T. Smith, J. Layton, 2010].
In 2015, researchers analyzed scientific papers involving more than 3.4 million people. Scientists assessed the relationship between early death and social isolation, lack of personal relationships and living without family and friends. As a result, it turned out that all three factors were several times more likely to cause premature death than obesity, which until that point had been considered a key risk [J. Holt-Lunstad, T. Smith, M. Baker, T. Harris, D. Stephenson, 2015].
Socially isolated women with breast cancer, according to research results, had a 2-fold higher risk of mortality than those patients who did not experience feelings of loneliness. This fact was proven by a study in which 2,835 women took part [C. Kroenke, L. Kubzansky, E. Schernhammer, M. Holmes, I. Kawachi, 2006].
Scientists have also identified a direct relationship between heart disease and loneliness. This addiction was called the "Roseto Effect" after the state of Pennsylvania and was first noticed by a local doctor. During the doctor's conversation with the dean of the University of Oklahoma School of Medicine, it turned out that the doctor had never met a Roseto patient under 65 years of age with heart disease. Between 1954 and 1961, there were almost no heart attacks in men aged 55 to 64, and the death rate among men over 65 was just 1%. This fact contradicted the general state of affairs in the country: at that time in the United States, heart attacks among people under 65 years of age had become an epidemic.
Such positive statistics seemed even more paradoxical, because the residents of Roseto were not adherents of a healthy lifestyle, they smoked cigarettes and drank wine, and the men worked at dangerous sites. The whole secret of their good health was unity. At that time, there were more than 22 public organizations in the city (and this is for 2,000 residents), respect and equality reigned among the population, and several generations lived harmoniously under one roof [B. Egolf, J. Lasker, S. Wolf, L. Potvin, 1992].
American scientists have proven that loneliness influences the development of egocentrism, just as egocentrism can give rise to feelings of loneliness. For 11 years, they observed almost 229 study participants who were between 50 and 68 years old.
Spouses John and Stephanie Cacioppo studied the effect of loneliness on the human brain and found that lonely people have more intense electrical activity in the brain than others. They found that lonely people react more sharply to negativity because... they are constantly in self-defense mode. According to John Cacioppo, the longer a person is alone, the more he wants to isolate himself from everyone [S. Cacioppo, S. Balogh, J. Cacioppo, 2015].
It seems that there are more than enough arguments to take action. Let's talk more about how people cope with loneliness and what methods will be effective in this or that case.
Turn your lonely life into a project
Why not write a book about your single life story or document it? What helps you? What advice would you give to other people in the same situation? What challenges have you faced and what lessons have you learned from them? How did the process of changing your sense of self from “I’m alone” to “I’m on my own” develop?
Many women have written about their experiences of secluded life, including Joan Anderson (A Year by the Sea), Anne-Morrow Lindbergh (Gift of the Sea), and Alix Cates Shulman (Drinking in the Rain). Read it. Perhaps you will find something inspiring in these books.
A full life alone is an internal attitude that cannot be formed on its own. Explore new experiences as if you were in a strange land, and draw a map of your life alone, as if it were an island. What is good about this island, and where are the problems? What beauties are you proud of? What corners have not yet been explored?
Methods to combat loneliness: general tips
Mikhail Labkovsky, a Russian psychologist, television and radio presenter, believes that loneliness is when a person is not interested in himself. On this score, the expert gives universal advice on how to cope with loneliness, melancholy and depression on your own: take the initiative to communicate, invite friends to visit, call them. Don't think about why people don't communicate with you. You want to communicate, which means take the first step yourself [M. Labkovsky, 2020].
The feeling of loneliness is typical not only for those who have no one to communicate with, but also for those who have an overabundance of communication: the more contacts occur in a day, the more superficial they are, and this leads to the devaluation of such relationships. Changing your usual lifestyle (moving, changing jobs, or losing loved ones) contributes to a feeling of isolation from others; psychologists call this loneliness in a crowd.
To prevent the wave of change, the rhythm of big cities and virtual communication from swallowing you up, identify among all your contacts those people who are important to you and with whom you rarely get to see, and find the opportunity to meet with them several times a week or at least communicate by phone. Occupy your mental space with things that interest you, and don't leave yourself time to think about being alone. Accept your feeling and don’t suppress it: the more frank you are with yourself, the faster you will find support from [N. Soldatova, 2019].
Speaking of acceptance: many people believe that their condition is abnormal. In fact, at least once in life everyone has experienced a feeling of loneliness, and the fact that this issue is of a universal nature is evidenced by a large number of works on this topic. There is no need to condemn yourself for this feeling, engage in self-flagellation and withdraw into yourself.
Suzanne Cain, a psychologist and journalist from Los Angeles, recommends discovering something new, turning on the “curiosity gene”: change your usual route to work or plan a short trip, visit interesting places and, most importantly, don’t be afraid to meet new people. Take care of yourself: take a bath or go to your favorite cafe, and finally get some sleep. This will help replenish the lost balance. Another way to combat loneliness is to help others. You can collect items that you haven't worn for a long time and take them to those in need. Provide support to lonely, sick and elderly people; negative emotions can be overcome through conscious efforts [S. Kane, 2017].
Jeremy Knobel, MD, suggests writing as an antidote to loneliness. He analyzed more than 100 studies and concluded that creativity helps improve health, cope with depression and stimulate positive emotions. Jeremy is convinced that literature is a great way to combat loneliness. Expressive writing strengthens social connections, it helps to simultaneously be in the past, present and future: the writer expresses thoughts in the present moment about what happened in the past, imagining his future reader.
Write whatever and however you like: convey your thoughts and emotions in poems, stories, letters to a loved one, posts on a social network. When a person writes, he clarifies the unknown for himself, reduces fear, and comprehends his feelings. This method is especially effective when sharing your thoughts with others. Writing helps you connect with yourself and overcome negative emotions [J. Nobel, 2018].
It happens that a person screws himself up, inspires the idea of possible loneliness and plunges into this feeling in advance. Autophobia is the fear of loneliness, when a person begins to be afraid of being alone and thus destroys his current life. Not only can a phobia lead to depression or illness, but relationships with loved ones are also at risk: those who are susceptible to autophobia often make complaints and express dissatisfaction with the lack of attention to their person, although in reality this may not be the case at all .
The term “autophobia” is interpreted as “fear of oneself.” According to Nikolai Chadayev, a clinical psychologist and psychotherapist, the causes of fear lie in childhood. The fear of loneliness develops after psychological trauma, for example, if a child is often left alone or abandoned altogether. In adulthood, this situation echoes as soon as something similar happens in a person’s life: as soon as someone leaves, autophobia is right there. So how can you deal with the fear of loneliness?
several effective techniques for this
- Auto-training: this method involves working with your fears using self-hypnosis. The technique is additional to the basic techniques.
- Psychotherapy: coping with your fears on your own is not an easy task. If you do not have the relevant knowledge, it is better to seek help from a specialist. It will help get rid of autophobia, but you need to set yourself up for a long-term recovery, because, according to statistics, to fully bring yourself to your senses, you will need 2-3 years of sessions with a psychotherapist.
- Taking medications: antidepressants normalize the emotional background, but do not solve the problem entirely. This is an auxiliary tool in the fight against autophobia. They are used in advanced cases and are prescribed only by the attending physician.
If the condition is more like anxiety than paralyzing fear, then in this case the person can help himself. To do this, you need to have a hobby that brings joy, fills you with energy and helps you make new acquaintances. And the best way to prevent autophobia, according to the expert, is caring for loved ones [T. Terskaya, N. Chadayev, 2020].
These general tips can be applied by people of any age, regardless of what caused the feeling of loneliness. But there are situations when the fight against loneliness needs to be approached individually, due to life circumstances, age characteristics or gender.
How to cope with feelings of loneliness in isolation?
It just so happens that lately humanity has been in a borderline state between remote work, self-isolation and normal life. A sharp reduction in the number of contacts, a change in environment and daily schedule has affected the condition of many people: fatigue, tension, and stress have appeared. Psychotherapists attribute this to a reduction in the growth of brain cells that are responsible for memories.
During isolation, it is necessary to maintain at least an approximate routine of life or imitate it. A schedule will help with this: make a daily plan that will include time for work and rest, as well as physical activity. It is important to refuse overtime, because remotely there is a temptation to continue working when the scheduled working day is over. If you are experiencing panic attacks, eliminate the things that are bothering you and do a fun activity that uses fine motor skills: drawing, doing puzzles, sewing. Such activities normalize the emotional background.
The pandemic has deprived some people of the opportunity to see their loved ones who are in countries temporarily inaccessible to visitors, but this is not a reason to interrupt communication: call them via video to assess the situation with your own eyes, otherwise worrying about them and being on high alert will not lead to good .
The pandemic has become a good test of the strength of relationships. Some have strengthened their family ties, while others, on the contrary, have intensified hidden conflicts. To avoid falling into the trap of isolation and staying home together, talk to each other more often, openly admit what help you need, and divide the space so that everyone has their own place to work and relax.
Experts do not recommend making serious decisions in a tense situation, so if you are thinking about breaking up, wait until the situation becomes more stable and less stressful. If you are unable to cope with your feelings, contact the free psychological help hotline [A. Bokova, 2020].
Neurologist Stephanie Cacioppo recommends staying in the present moment and not fantasizing about the future. You can control what you eat, what you wear; This, according to the specialist, helps to feel stability. Remember to breathe. According to Stephanie, a three-second series of inhalations and exhalations can restore a sense of reality. And to bring your mind out of a state of anxiety and stress, say your name out loud. It may seem silly, but it will stop your mind from wandering around with pessimistic thoughts about the future.
Unstable situations can turn even the most positive people into hypochondriacs. Try to turn uncertainty into your advantage: determine where the danger is and what you can do about it. And when communicating virtually, the neurologist advises to immerse yourself in the process as much as possible and imagine as if you are really next to the interlocutor [S. Cacioppo, 2020].
Of course, I would like to believe that the situation of recent years will not repeat itself and we will not have to hide at home and go to work remotely for the benefit of our health, but, as practice shows, life is unpredictable, so it is worth arming yourself with methods that will help you not feel alone in moments like this.
How can a woman cope with loneliness?
The concept of “female loneliness” implies the absence of a significant other in a woman’s life. The question of how to cope with loneliness is asked by many women, and not only after 40-50 years, but also at a young age, because almost every representative of the fair sex wants to be behind a strong man’s back and feel loved. Not everyone is able to build strong relationships: some consider themselves unworthy of a prince on a white horse, others have their own reasons for this.
In any case, you need to understand that behind every action or inaction there is a thought, and, as you know, it is material. For a thought to start working, it must be supported by feelings. Some experts believe that our feelings and emotions instantly spread across the quantum field and influence the further outcome of events. Simply put, if a woman imagines the man of her dreams, feels him with all her heart, then these impulses will definitely reach the addressee.
If the heart is filled with fear, there will be no room left for love. Fear will be transmitted outside the body. A woman who is afraid of relationships will attract a man who is unable to build a relationship or will be left alone. To fill your heart with a bright feeling, you need to act: do charity work, help the weak, but don’t forget to take time for yourself. Get rid of self-criticism and humiliation. After some time, you will notice how men who are capable of loving and caring just like you begin to pay attention to you [O. Fedoseeva, 2019].
A woman's feeling of loneliness may be an indicator that she never became an adult. This is caused by a strong psychological attachment to the mother or father. Subconsciously, a woman begins to look for someone who could replace a parent and is afraid of losing someone, and, as you know, a person gets what he avoids most; this is called negative dominance. To get out of the vicious circle, you need to create a new dominant for yourself, for example, set yourself the goal of improving your health or graduating with honors. The main thing is that the goal really sparks, and not be a distraction.
The feeling of loneliness among the fair sex is expressed in the desire to have a strong male shoulder on which you can rely, but, if you look from the other side, this may be an indicator of low vital energy. In this case, you should pay attention to physical health and gain confidence in your abilities: do yoga, breathing exercises, herbal medicine, etc.
If for you loneliness lies in the absence of a partner who could provide financial support, this is rather a substitution of concepts. The best way to get rid of this feeling is to become a financially independent person and realize that family is not an economic attachment. And one more important point: think about whether you are following the imposed stereotype that you must get married or at least have a life partner? Admit to yourself what you really want, and if your ideas do not coincide with the ideas of society, do not be afraid to go your own way [Marie Claire, 2020].
Attend social events
Where do you feel connected with people? At events that are created for people to meet and communicate. How not to be lonely? It's very simple, attend social events. Exhibition openings, concerts, charity evenings, parties and presentations of fashion houses are events where people come to see others and show themselves off. If you want to make new and interesting acquaintances, then you need to boldly go to some social event. Such meetings usually take place in beautiful places, where you are offered to taste delicious dishes and enjoy great music. You can get all this completely free of charge if you arrange to receive an invitation in advance.
How can a man cope with loneliness?
The psychology of a man and a woman is very different: if a woman is more likely to admit the presence of loneliness and speak about it openly (and some may even perceive the issue more dramatically than it actually is), then the man will pretend that there is no loneliness. The stronger sex is prevented from recognizing the problem by prohibitions and social beliefs that a man:
- should not show his feelings, because “guys don’t cry”;
- has no right to be weak;
- must be successful and independent.
If a man admits the presence of a feeling of loneliness, he, in his opinion, will automatically cross out the generally accepted idea of the stronger sex. It’s easier for him to pretend that everything is fine, to show off and change partners, but most often this leads to unhealthy relationships, from which it can be difficult to get out, because it’s better to be with someone than to be alone again. This is how men drive themselves into a trap. But there is a way out of any situation. Experts recommend following the following algorithm:
- admit the problem and stop running away from your worries;
- stop and realize that you are not alone;
- identify your feelings;
- learn to draw resources from your condition.
It is necessary to expand your idea of who a real man is, and allow yourself to be weak, show emotions and dependency on someone [A. Banarescu, 2021].
Also, according to a survey of more than 13 thousand respondents, the reasons for male loneliness are not only generally accepted beliefs, but also a lack of flirting skills, self-doubt, unattractive appearance and unsuccessful previous experience [M. Apostolou, 2019]. As you can see, there is no reason that cannot be dealt with; the main thing is to understand it in time.
If you have lost faith in yourself and believe that you are unworthy of a relationship, set a realistic goal and go towards it, so you will feel like a winner and be filled with energy. Analyze your strengths and weaknesses and learn to work with them. If you think that communication is not your thing, then it’s even easier: take our online program “Best Communication Techniques”, and within a couple of months there will be no trace of your insecurity.
Go in for sports: it not only puts your body and health in order, but also gets rid of negative thoughts. Plunge yourself into your work, but don't forget to devote time to your hobbies. And if the feeling of loneliness becomes too strong, get a pet, or rather a dog: a four-legged friend will make you move and “go out in public” at least 2 times a day. Who knows, maybe you will find your soulmate among the four-legged lovers.
Call old friends
Communication: Pixabay
Rest assured that people who liked to communicate in the past will still not mind meeting today. We often lose touch when we get caught up in work. Call old acquaintances and friends, offer to sit in a cafe. To ensure successful communication, follow these tips:
- be nice, be interested in the other person;
- be positive and radiate optimism.
It all depends only on your thoughts and mood. Be sure that everything is fine, communicate easily, and then there will really be no reason to feel sad.
Now you know what to do if you feel lonely. Use the recommendations to get a taste of life again.
Original article: https://www.nur.kz/family/self-realization/1875358-kak-spravitsa-s-odinocestvom-effektivnye-sovety/
How to cope with loneliness after 50+?
It just so happens that the closer retirement age is, the more often people begin to experience a feeling of loneliness: children have found their own family or scattered to cities, work remains outside the door, and, unfortunately, the other half is no longer nearby. This is the age when a person needs special support and understanding from others.
Psychologist Yulia Gurevich believes that “loneliness” does not always equal “unhappiness,” and many experiences about this are just a matter of mood.
The expert recommends the following ways to combat loneliness:
- Fill the resulting vacuum with a clear daily routine and do not forget to include not only everyday tasks, but also activities for pleasure.
- Look around : perhaps there is an equally lonely person next to you. Make friends with him, treat him to a homemade pie, expand your social connections.
- Try yourself in a new business: find a job for your soul. This could be working part-time in a store or walking dogs. Choose something that will bring you pleasure.
- Get trained: there are now many free courses for retirees, among which you are sure to find something suitable for yourself.
- Maintain your intelligence: read books, visit exhibitions, watch educational programs [Yu. Gurevich, 2019].
It is important to understand that life after 50 does not end, but, on the contrary, opens up new opportunities. Emilia Gavrilenko decided to move to the city of her dreams at the age of 80. There she organized a community of single older women and soon fulfilled her dream: she began to travel.
Lyudmila Kashirina, at 70 years old and a grandmother of five grandchildren, teaches at a college and volunteers. According to her, now her life is busier than in her student years: “I still need someone besides my family. Even if you are 80 or 90, you should still have your own circle of interests, you should have your own friends and your own hobbies. By the way, when you have all this, you are more loved by the same grandchildren: they see how active their grandmother is and appreciate it” [P. Lazebnaya, O. Korobova, A. Melnikov, 2019].
And there are many such examples of active and cheerful people at an advanced age, and this once again proves that loneliness is a state of mind, and not an entry in a passport.
Happiness at will
“If you want to be happy, be happy,” said Tolstoy. He knew something about life even before scientists began to seriously study the problem of happiness, and authors raced to write their practical guides for those who wanted to find the joy of life.
The world is as you see it. So if you feel like you missed your chance or that life has treated you unfairly, that is your reality. I'm not saying you should think positive thoughts with a fake smile on your face, but research (and common sense) indicates that a positive inner attitude leads to positive outcomes. In the morning, as soon as your feet touch the floor, think about how you would like to live the coming day.
Experts have proven that feeling happy contributes to success, and not the other way around.
Summary
Loneliness is not a death sentence. This is an opportunity to look at your life from the outside with a “cold” look and understand what new doors life is ready to open in front of you.
Of course, you can give in to emotions and drive yourself into depression, but is this a solution? There is no magic recommendation on how to cope with loneliness for a teenager after a breakup or for an elderly person. But understanding and accepting your condition will help you move forward and begin to act.
Be positive, don’t be afraid to ask for help, take the first step towards meeting new people, devote more time to your health and interests, love yourself and remember that thoughts are material.
Let those who make your life happy always be with you!
And don't forget to take a short survey:
We also recommend reading:
- Storytelling
- The influence of loneliness on consciousness. Part 2
- Uncertainty avoidance
- How to cope with stress
- Jealousy
- 7 Scientific Ways to Improve Mental Health
- The influence of loneliness on consciousness. Part 1
- Culture shock and how to overcome it
- Mechanisms of escape from freedom: theses of Erich Fromm
- Eating disorder: concept, forms, symptoms and prevention
- Interesting and unusual facts about fear
Key words: 1 Communication, 1 Psychoregulation
Decide who you want to be
Using three adjectives, describe the kind of person you want to be.
Perhaps the image will change over time, but the very fact of its presence is very important: the selected qualities will serve as your value guide and the basis for decisions and actions. Perhaps some qualities will be relevant for a short time, for a specific task or goal. Others will stay with you for a long time. Decide for yourself. Adjectives don't have to be serious. You may have gone through difficult times, so cheer yourself up. Consider whether you want to be: positive, brave, kind, skillful, strong, motivated, calm, optimistic, wise, gentle, loving, resilient, generous, compassionate, open, effective, friendly, active, energetic, patient, happy, generous , passionate, disciplined, responsible, caring.
Act like the person you would like to become and you will eventually become that person. Be your own beacon and guide.
