When a person is dissatisfied with everything and criticizes everything, what does this mean?

Who is this grouch? Why is grumbling annoying? Why do you even want to grumble? All these questions can be answered by anyone who analyzes their surroundings and finds in them a person who is always dissatisfied with everything, and who himself is far from the most successful person. A grump will always find a reason to reprimand a colleague, a family member, even a neighbor and a boy in the grocery line. A grouch will highlight the shortcomings of others in order to highlight his own strengths. Is this a familiar picture?

How difficult it is for spouses if one of them is a grouch. How many conflicts such people have with their own children... And it’s more difficult for them than anyone, because they sincerely consider themselves right, and the whole world around them is idiots.

Bouts of grumbling most often occur at the most crucial moments: when guests arrive, when a classmate arrives for the first time in ten years. When you really want to play the role of a good housewife and a happy wife, your husband will definitely come up with a way to screw things up. It's a shame. On the one hand, he is right, because he makes truthful comments, but on the other hand, is this really necessary, especially as “work for the public”?

Loss of valuables

Sometimes we think we know how to behave in a given situation, but suddenly something happens that completely unsettles us, and as a result we do the wrong thing.

For example, imagine a situation where a colleague comes to you for professional help. In this situation, you gain a choice (you agree to help him), you are pleased that he chose you and want to be useful (involvement) and you get the opportunity to share your knowledge (competence).

But if suddenly the situation becomes more complicated or begins to develop not according to plan, for example, a colleague changes his mind about using your services, then all three motivation factors will suffer greatly. In such a situation, it is quite difficult to maintain your own motivation.

The habit of criticizing - where does the negative perception of the world come from?

There are many reasons that prompt us to look for flaws in everything that surrounds us.

Dissatisfaction with one's own life. Each of us has dreams and desires, but some can realize them, while others cannot. Sometimes established stereotypes get in the way, and we refuse to implement our plans, and then, when we learn that someone else was able to do what we refused, we attack this person with criticism. Very often this happens out of envy (even unconsciously) - wow, I couldn’t do it, but she did it!

Fear. Often the most ardent critics are those who are afraid of this very criticism. This also happens unconsciously - you feel irritated only because this person has qualities that you would like to get rid of.

Family problems. The child adopts the behavior of his parents. If mom is constantly dissatisfied with something, and dad always criticizes everyone, then the child will see only negative things in life.

Disappointment in life. Very often, when we reflect on what was successful and what was not in life, it turns out that many goals were never achieved. Disappointment sets in and we begin to meticulously examine those around us, trying to prove to ourselves that many things in life have not worked out for others.

What psychologists say

A person who seeks to humiliate his neighbors, to make a remark, thereby convicting him of negligence or stupidity is a child at heart. In this childishness there is some psychological infantilism, or mental trauma from childhood, when the baby did not receive enough attention and affection. Indeed: children cry and scream when they need attention or are in danger. Nature has designed it so that a child has a piercing, heart-rending cry, to which adults cannot remain indifferent. As children grow older, they intuitively understand that they receive more attention if they cry or scream. Manipulation by adults begins: when a child is bored or wants communication, he begins to be capricious, cry, climb and attract attention to himself so that adults will leave their business and take care of him. By the way, children sometimes experience a lack of attention so acutely that they can get sick just from having their parents around them.

When a child grows up, he is left with subconscious resentment and dissatisfaction. He becomes a capricious teenager, demanding attention with screams and tantrums. And as they grow up, hysterics develop into grumbling and whining. He simply does not know how to express even the good feelings that take possession of him. For example, missing his family after a working day, he would like to get together at the table, have dinner and chat. But it turns out that the daughter went on a date, and the wife started pickling cucumbers, so dinner turned out to be a hasty meal. The picture that emerged so vividly in my imagination did not work out. It turned out that each of the family members was busy with something that evening. And I really wanted attention and communication... Dissatisfaction gave way to irritability and now there was a scandal over improper sterilization of jars and neglect of a child who went for a walk...

This is how little children live inside adults and turn into grumps and mischief-makers!

Psychologists give another explanation for such character traits as grumbling and boringness - excessive secrecy, an attempt to be strong in spirit. This is more often observed in men and refers to their advantages. But a mistake has crept in: this is not an advantage, but a disadvantage, or a cost of family life in which the husband does not consider his wife a friend and cannot trust her with his problems.

Let's take an example. A man went to work in the morning and saw that someone had dented his door in the parking lot. He cursed, was upset about the time lost on hassles with insurance, and went to work. The accountant quit my job, I had to deal with the documents myself, and the supplier also let me down: he filled out the invoices incorrectly and the cargo was detained at customs.

In the evening, a friend called and was upset by the absence of acquaintances at customs, so everything would have to be resolved slowly, officially and as usual. Customers are in a hurry with goods that have not yet arrived. It will take another 5 years to pay for the mortgage, and the child asks for a new bike. The summer holidays are approaching and the wife will soon whine about her dream of going to the sea... And here are all these thoughts and worries for one man on one day.

Yes, he is a man and should be able to resolve everything. Yes, he is a man and should not complain or shift such troubles onto the shoulders of a woman. He doesn’t complain, but keeps everything to himself and “sorts everything out” with dignity. But along the way, he annoys his wife with remarks, grumbles at his neighbor about the hammer drill, and quarrels with the security guard in the store. And subconsciously a man is looking for help, participation, attention. He really wants someone to listen to him and help him, if not with action, then at least with advice or just be silent next to him.

We used a man as an example. In life, such behavior can occur in both women and children. Those. a child may be afraid to talk about problems at school, embarrassed to complain, and outwardly this will be expressed in rudeness and reluctance to make contact. Although he himself is looking for and waiting for this contact. He just doesn’t know how to establish it with loved ones yet.

There are other psychological aspects, due to the imbalance of which the character acquires such a quality as grumbling: increased anxiety and distrust of loved ones. Such people always grumble about improperly washed dishes, improperly hung clothes in the closet, or carelessly sliced ​​bread. It seems to them that only they and no one else can do everything perfectly and correctly. From the outside it may seem that they are overly demanding and pedantic, but in fact they are very insecure people who need support and reassurance. By teaching others, they affirm their life and professional positions.

Problems

Now let’s look at the most common problems in setting goals that can seriously interfere with achieving results.

1 The goal is too specific

If the goal is set very narrowly, then a person may miss other, very important points. To avoid this mistake, try to gather as much information as possible about your potential target.

2 The goal is too narrow

When you focus on only one problem, you stop noticing others that can also be very important. For example, in one experiment, two groups of students were asked to read a paragraph of text. At the same time, some were asked to find only grammatical errors, and others - all possible ones. Of course, the second group coped with the task better. Because their task was not too narrow.

To avoid this mistake, try to compare your narrow goals with global ones and find a connection between them.

3 Too many goals

People who have too many goals end up focusing on just one, and statistically, some types of goals are ignored much more often than others. In one study, researchers set several goals for volunteers: they had to select stocks for investment and at the same time count the number of portfolios processed and the accuracy of this processing. When the two goals together were found to be unattainable, participants neglected accuracy in favor of quantity.

To avoid this mistake, try to set a minimum number of goals (2-3 per month) and monitor the implementation of each of them.

4 Narrow time period

For example, people with flexible wages often choose to work more hours on high-earning days and fewer hours on low-earning days. At first glance, this is logical, but if during this period you do not focus on time and consider the total income on different days, you can reduce the total working time and at the same time increase earnings.

To avoid this mistake, compare your short-term goals with your long-term ones and try to find a “golden mean” between them.

5 A very risky goal

Sometimes setting goals can trigger risky behavior and greatly reduce productivity. These are, for example, those cases when tightrope walkers, for the sake of glory, set themselves the goal of conquering a rope at a very high altitude without insurance. Yes, some succeed, but others simply die for the sake of an ambitious goal.

Before you set a goal, think about what you are willing to do for it. And be sure to set a clear boundary that you will not cross.

6 Unethical behavior

People are much more likely to lie about their performance if they have a challenging goal than if they don't have any goal. This also happens in situations where it is not possible to achieve the goal.

To avoid this mistake, simply set ethical boundaries for your behavior up front.

7 Goals Get in the Way of Your Learning

If people are given specific goals, they are less likely to resort to alternative methods to achieve them.

Instead of a very clear goal, just indicate the direction in which you want to develop.

8 Purpose encourages competition

If a person is focused on achieving his specific goal, then he can easily succumb to competition or even change his attitude towards others. In this situation, it is much easier to ensure that your goals coincide with the goals of your team.

9 Goal Setting Hijacks Intrinsic Motivation

Intrinsic motivation can decrease even due to the very fact of setting a goal

Often people simply exaggerate the importance of external incentives in motivation. That is why it is better to turn more often to internal motivation

How to be in the present moment

The study Meditation leads to reduced default mode network activity beyond an active task showed that meditation helps reduce DMN activity. Moreover, the effect is noticeable both during and after practice.

Moreover, since meditation improves Dynamic properties of BOLD activity from the ventral posteromedial cortex associated with meditation and attentional skills. attention and working memory, increases Effects of mindfulness on psychological health: a review of empirical studies a sense of well-being and helps fight Meditation programs for psychological stress and well-being: a systematic review and meta-analysis. with anxiety and depression, scientists concluded that these effects are due to decreased DMN activity.

It is not necessary to start meditating in the classical way: sitting in silence and concentrating on the emptiness in your head. Instead, you can focus on your life. And it will be an exciting adventure.

As soon as you turn off your inner chatterbox and immerse yourself in the experience of the moment, you begin to notice a lot of new things: what an interesting timbre of your friend’s voice, how to optimally fold the dishes so that they stop falling out of the closet, what an incredible color the autumn leaves are and how they contrast with the sky . Most of your “wants” fall off by themselves, leaving only what is necessary and important.

We have everything we really want. This is true, but only if we live in the present moment.

Self-affirmation

People with an inferiority complex are prone to constant criticism. This is how they increase their own importance at the expense of others.

And if before your man was not so critical, but now “with or without reason” - this is a matter of self-esteem.

This could have happened for many different reasons: bad luck in bed last Saturday, an unpleasant conversation with his boss this week, or simply the cockroaches running wild in his head.

How to behave in this case? Show that you believe in him. Praise and thank him, nourish his masculinity and admire him.

And even if it seems to you that there is nothing to praise for. Look at the little things. Motivate him to act in such a way that there is a reason for praise. I have said more than once that your femininity is the best fuel for his masculinity.

If you don’t know how to do this yourself and think that he should deserve praise and gratitude, the problem is with you, dear.

Different approaches to online learning

It is impossible to say unequivocally that all online courses are bad. However, it would be more correct to divide them into several key categories. For example, studies have shown that students using a mixed method (online with offline elements) end up achieving quite high results.

But if we talk about completely online learning, then this category is recognized as the most problematic. Classes without the supervision of a teacher require high interest and motivation, and yet no more than 5% of students have the necessary qualities.

However, despite all its shortcomings, online education still remains quite popular and in demand, and in different segments, from the school curriculum to the university course. Still, this saves a lot of time and often allows you to gain the necessary skills almost without leaving production.

How to stop criticizing and learn to enjoy life?

If there is every reason to believe that you are depressed, then it is better to consult a psychologist. If criticism has simply become a habit, then you can deal with it on your own. First, learn to notice the moments when you judge something or someone, take them apart, looking only for the bad. If you notice that you are “carried away” into the negative, immediately try to say something good, positive. Of course, no one forces you to lie and be a hypocrite, lavishing praise left and right. We are talking about unconstructive criticism, when nothing is proposed to improve the situation, and only the bad is noticed.

Every time you feel the urge to criticize someone, try to put yourself in that person’s shoes and understand why they behave the way they do.

If you are already at the stage when you see only the negative in everything, then at least through force, using the method of self-hypnosis, try to look for at least something good in people and in everything that surrounds you. It will be difficult at first, but over time you will begin to notice the positive, talking about it will be much more pleasant than discussing someone.

If possible, try to communicate less with those people who are constantly unhappy with everything. And when you are about to once again express your dissatisfaction with someone, imagine how this scene looks from the outside. It is unlikely that you would want to communicate with such a person...

Psychologists say that recognizing a problem is half solving it. Of course, it will take time to get rid of the desire to look for negativity, but you didn’t develop this habit right away. The main thing is to have a desire, and then you will learn to see the world in bright colors!

Dissatisfaction with life

Dissatisfaction is the secret door that leads to important and life-giving change.

Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Life dissatisfaction is one of the most common problems for most people in almost any society.
Many people are constantly dissatisfied and dissatisfied with something, and want their life to be better, no matter how good it already is. Sometimes such dissatisfaction is well founded, sometimes it is not, and sometimes it is simply absurd. It should be noted that not all people can clearly explain what exactly and why they are dissatisfied and dissatisfied. Nevertheless, this problem exists, it is real, not far-fetched, and without any doubt it must be solved. We need to understand why people may not be satisfied with their lives in general and what they can and should do to make their life better for themselves. This question is as difficult as it is interesting, since all people are different and their lives are also different. But nevertheless, I will try to give a comprehensive answer to it in this article, in order, perhaps, to help some of you, dear readers, look at your life with different eyes and learn to receive great satisfaction from it. At the same time, I want to say that from my point of view, it is useful for a person to be constantly dissatisfied with something in order to have sufficient motivation to strive for more and better. Another thing is that dissatisfaction should be moderate, not allowing a person to go to various kinds of extremes, when he completely unjustifiably begins to consider his life simply terrible and generally meaningless. Therefore, we will not consider the option of absolute satisfaction with our life, but we will approach this issue from the most practical side.

Reason for dissatisfaction with life

To solve a problem, you need to find its cause - we all know this well. In our case, in order to understand what makes people dissatisfied with their lives, it is necessary, from my point of view, to properly understand their worldview in order to find out what the life of these people should be like, from their point of view. So I had to communicate on this topic with different people - with the rich and not so rich, with the poor and very poor, with the healthy and the sick, with people who have achieved something in this life and with those who have achieved practically nothing in it. And guess what? “They were all unhappy about something.” Some to a greater extent, some to a lesser extent, but a certain degree of dissatisfaction took place in all cases. These were completely different people who had different problems, different dreams, desires, goals, some unsatisfied needs that they tried with all their might to satisfy. But they had one thing in common - they were all dissatisfied with their lives, and because of this, they were unhappy to one degree or another. The only difference between some of them was that some people realized their dissatisfaction with life, accepted it and came to terms with it, while others constantly tried to find their happiness, somewhere else, somewhere else, in other things, with other people.

So, talking with different people, I tried to understand why they are not fully satisfied with their lives, why they do not feel truly happy. And, of course, they all had their own reasons for being dissatisfied and dissatisfied with something. Some people lacked money to be happy, some needed a loving person nearby, some needed respect and recognition from other people, and so on. When I talked to poor people, they mostly talked about money, which, in their opinion, would make them very happy people, if there was a lot of this money, or at least in sufficient quantities. Then I went to those people who had a lot of money and tried to find happiness from them. Still, these people had a lot of money, which means they should have been happy, or at least completely satisfied with their lives. But no, that didn't happen. It turned out that rich people also had certain problems that prevented them from feeling happy. They might not have a good relationship with their wife or husband, they might be bored, their children might not be what they would like them to be, and so on. In other words, I did not find happiness among rich people. Then I went to those people who did not have all the problems that prevented rich people from being completely satisfied with their lives, and looked for happiness there. But even if I found people who had virtually no serious problems in their lives, I still did not find happiness in their lives, because these people had unfulfilled dreams and desires that did not allow them to feel happy. Thus, happiness was always somewhere nearby, but it constantly eluded people and me. It, like the horizon, was inaccessible to them. And if a person is not happy, then he is not satisfied. He is not satisfied with his life and often with himself. So we can safely say that one of the reasons, and perhaps the main reason for dissatisfaction with life, is the lack of happiness in this very life. Or is it a person’s inability to feel happy. This still needs to be sorted out.

So, when I couldn’t find absolutely happy people who were completely satisfied with their lives, I decided to pay attention to myself. How are things going with me? Am I satisfied with my life, am I happy with everything in it, am I happy? After some reflection, I realized that, to a certain extent, I was also not satisfied with my life, that I also could not say that I was happy, despite the fact that much in my life suited me and suits me. And then I decided to look for the answer to my question not in the external, but in my inner world - I decided to look inside myself to understand why dissatisfaction with life exists at all.

I want to say right away that feeling unhappy and dissatisfied with your life are slightly different things. People feel unhappy mainly when they lose something, and dissatisfied in those cases when they cannot get something, achieve something, or succeed in something. In other words, not being happy and being unhappy are not the same thing. Therefore, you and I will talk about what we don’t have, and not about what we, each of them, have lost.

What don't we have?

And what, in fact, do we not have, what do we lack for complete happiness? Why are we not satisfied with our lives even when we have a lot and have lost nothing? I think I know the answer to this question. Still, in search of happiness and satisfaction, I delved into myself for quite a long time and found a lot. You see, friends, we live in a world in which there are a lot of interesting things that perhaps we don’t really need, that we don’t really need, but that we would like to have. And this desire to constantly reach for something - it creates a certain discomfort in the human soul. Remember, I wrote at the very beginning that a person must feel a certain dissatisfaction in order to simply be alive, in order to want something, strive for something, move for something, in general, in order to be active? That's the whole point. Without dissatisfaction, desire will not arise, and without desire there will be no action, and without action a person is not a person.

The trick is that we don’t really know what we want. We don't even know what happiness is. We always want what we currently need or what we simply don’t have. In the first case, everything is clear - we have certain needs and we strive to satisfy them. I mean natural needs. And the rest, what we don’t have, but what we want to have, is the same carrot that should be dangling in front of our noses all our lives. This carrot keeps us active. It is not only an irritant, but also a reward for us. After all, we see our happiness mainly in what gives us pleasure, which, without suffering, over time ceases to be pleasure and turns into the norm, into routine, into a neutral sensation. And when there are fewer bright sensations in our life, then no matter how cool it is for us, for you, you will not be fully satisfied with it. You may not know people who enjoy problems, difficulties in life that make their life interesting, but I do. These people, unlike most other people, lack problems, lack thrills, lack the contrast between good and bad, thanks to which life is perceived more fully. The point is to see the difference between what is and what could be. This difference worries us. It should concern us so that we realize our potential while striving for something else. It is not necessarily that it is different that will be better or greater good for us, the main thing is that it is different. It is important for us that our lives become better or at least simply change, so that we see the best in the familiar.

So it’s not that we lack something, that’s why we are not satisfied with life and feel unhappy. Or vice versa - we feel unhappy because we are not satisfied with life - this is not so important. The point is that this is how it should be. This idea, in principle simple, is not so deep, but very important. Just imagine that in your life you have everything you need, you are happy with everything and you don’t want anything else. What will you do with such a life? Just don't tell me to enjoy it. You won't be able to enjoy it if you don't have an appetite for something conventionally bigger and better, or a fear of losing what you have. It's like with food - if there is a lot of it and it is very tasty, then you will quickly get bored with it. You will either need to overeat in order to get more pleasure from food, or starve a little so that you have a passionate appetite again. Therefore, do not expect that having achieved everything you want to achieve and received everything you want to receive, you will feel complete satisfaction with your life. However, you will still experience a feeling of happiness when you achieve what you dream of, but not for long. For nature, or better to say, life, although it rewards a person for his efforts, it does not allow him to rest on his laurels, but pushes him forward all the time.

The problem of dissatisfaction with life

Based on the above, we can conclude that the problem of dissatisfaction with life is largely a fictitious problem. If we are not talking about the banal survival of a person and the realization of his natural destiny, to which our instincts push us, then everything else, because of which we feel dissatisfaction with life, has more to do with our imagination, and not with real life. In other words, this problem is often not real, and therefore not serious. But at the same time, it makes sense. It helps us understand why we need to live. We just need to correctly understand the feeling of internal discomfort that we experience when we are not satisfied with something. How to do this, how to understand this feeling? It’s all very simple - nature rewards us with pleasure for acting in accordance with its goals and punishes us with pain and suffering for straying from the path we need from its point of view. Therefore, if you listen to yourself, your body, your mind, your inner voice, your intuition, then you will understand what you really need and what you should strive for in order to live in harmony with nature and feel happy. But at the same time, you must understand that you should always strive for something. The problem of dissatisfaction with life will be relevant for those of us who stop and stop doing something. Then such a person will inevitably begin to think about the results that he has achieved and which he has not achieved. And something will definitely begin to dissatisfy him.

Also here we need to take into account another very important point - life does not stand still, it is constantly changing, and we must change with it. Our achievements of yesterday may be completely devalued tomorrow, both in our own eyes and in general. There must be progress in our lives, and preferably mainly qualitative, not quantitative. You cannot stagnate in one place all the time and be satisfied with what you have, with the exception of the most important things for the life of each individual person, his basic values, which we will talk about below. You need to try to somehow modernize your life so that something new appears in it. You cannot always enjoy the same achievements, the same life, the same things. And even our habits, which help us stay in our comfort zone, do not save us from the disappointment that we experience when nothing qualitatively changes in our lives. You see that a person, having received something, after some time ceases to appreciate it and ceases to enjoy it. Even in those cases when he has everything, he is bored and not interested in living the same life. He will inevitably feel dissatisfied if some zest does not appear in his life, if some spark does not arise that brings the desired variety to everyday life. So no pleasure can last forever. No life, no matter how high quality it is, can satisfy us completely for a long time. The carrot in front of our nose, as I said above, will always dangle. And at the same time, there will always be something [dissatisfaction, dissatisfaction, discomfort, pain, difficulty] tingling at the back of us if we stop. You see how interesting everything is in our lives. On the one hand, we have pleasure, which cannot be eternal, but to which we are instinctively drawn, and on the other, dissatisfaction, discomfort, pain, because of which we cannot stop.

I noticed in myself that as soon as something begins to dissatisfy me, the best thing I can do to get rid of this feeling is to start doing something. You can at least just start planning, dreaming, setting goals for the future to keep your mind busy with work. Work heals the soul. So sometimes you need to think less and do more to feel good.

However, taking into account the above, you may ask a completely fair question - how can you understand the pleasure that a person receives from things that bring him harm - from alcohol, tobacco, drugs? It’s hard to call them a reward from nature, life, for a person’s desire for more and better, because these things kill him? A logical question, you will agree. I have a theory about this, which I have already found confirmation in several sources. I believe that for those people who decide to spit on themselves and their lives, nature provides a deadly pleasure, receiving which they accelerate their own, so to speak, disposal. It should be pleasant for a person to do everything - even destroy himself. Then it will act very effectively. Therefore, when you see people who feel happy and satisfied thanks to something harmful to their health, do not rush to think that everything is fine with them, much less envy them. Nature has its own plans for these people, and they are by no means the best. You need to learn to enjoy more worthy things that contribute to the development of a person and improve his life, and do not lead to degradation and death. We all must develop, improve, achieve more, this is what nature, life, and the Universe want from us. Therefore, every time a person stops there, even if he did everything correctly, if he strived for what he really needs according to nature’s plan, he begins to feel discomfort, which increases more and more if he continues to stand still or begins to move in the wrong direction. Therefore, dissatisfaction with life haunts those who, firstly, do not do what they should do, and secondly, stop doing what they should do. At the same time, if a person decides to give up on himself and his life, if he does not consider himself worthy of better and more and therefore does not want to strive for anything, a new road to pleasure will open before him, which leads to the end of his story. This is my opinion on this matter.

So we are very interesting creatures, as you can see. We all want something, and it turns us on, it forces us to move, it forces us to try to do something to get what we want. But there is also something we don’t want, sometimes without understanding why exactly we don’t want it. And what we don’t want also pushes us forward and upward, and sometimes much stronger than the desire to get something and come to something. It happens that a person convinces himself that he does not want to work at the job in which he works, or live with the person with whom he lives, or be who he is. This gives rise to a desire in him to change his life and himself. Our reluctance is also desire, only in a different form. And until we see reality as we want to see it, we cannot be fully satisfied with our lives. The only question is how we can see the reality that we want to see. Should we see it in what we have or in what we don't have? After all, both sides of life are real. One indicates our achievements, and the other indicates our desires. The first should please us, and the second, at least, inspire us. Therefore, the difference between what we see and what we want to see is actually not big, and sometimes there is none at all. Because seeing our life as happy makes us happy, no matter what others think about it. And if we are not satisfied with something and suffer because of it, then isn’t it our own choice, isn’t it we ourselves who make ourselves unhappy, preferring to suffer? After all, you and I can rejoice in what we have, or we can be dissatisfied with it and even hate it. Because we don’t have enough or because we wanted something else. Why is it not enough for us to have what we have, why can’t we be satisfied with it? Or why do we always want what we don't have? I think it will be better if everyone answers these questions for themselves. In the meantime, we can make the assumption that the problem of dissatisfaction with life is subjective. She may or may not exist. Everything depends on us.

If you believe that your life is bad and uninteresting, then it will become that way for you - bad and uninteresting, even if there is a lot going on in it that other people consider very good and interesting. And if you love what you have, then for a while you will feel like a very happy person. So our thoughts can influence our internal state as much as real changes in life. This is another very important approach to the issue of dissatisfaction with life. Let's look at it in more detail.

Happiness is within us

So, above we found out that the feeling of dissatisfaction, dissatisfaction, discomfort are all incentives that push us to change, to improve our lives, which encourage us to strive for more and better. However, there are such things in the life of every person, such, better said, values ​​that do not need to be changed, or in any case it is undesirable, but you need to get pleasure from them in order to be satisfied with your life and feel happy. For example, family, children, a favorite activity, other people dear to a person, places, things, values, which are a kind of life support for him, which determine the meaning of his life - all this can be loved throughout his life. You need to be able to appreciate and take care of all this. And to do this, you need to receive great pleasure and complete satisfaction from everything that is dear and important to you. And this can be achieved precisely with the help of the right thoughts and beliefs. Let's now think about what these thoughts and beliefs should be in order to help a person, if not forever, then at least long enough to appreciate and love what is important and dear to him so that he is completely satisfied with his life, despite no matter what.

I believe that the most important thing that we need to understand is that there is nothing best or worst in this life - everything has its own value, its own advantages, its own merits. In other words, everything is relative. Yes, on the one hand, we need to strive for the best, otherwise we would still live in caves, but on the other hand, there must be some kind of constancy in our lives, some kind of stability, some kind of predictability, so that we had peace in our souls. I know that there are people who do not need this - they are ready for absolutely any changes and, moreover, they strive for them with all their might. But I know even more of those who always want to have something that will remain unchanged, that they don’t want to change under any circumstances. And such people are the majority. We need values ​​that will be ours only, always and everywhere, that will be a reliable support for us at all times. So we need both changes in life and stability. And these things can be combined. Innovative thinking does not contradict conservative thinking, it's all about proportions. A lot needs to be changed, improved, perfected, but there must also be something constant in our lives, a certain core that we will consider our personal value. Therefore, do not compare what is dear, important and valuable to you with anything else. Let’s say you have a loved one who loves you, appreciates you, respects you, understands you - you don’t need to demand more from him, you don’t need to compare him with anyone, you don’t need to change him in any way. Tell yourself - this is my value, and nothing else and no one else interests me. There is nothing better in this world than your value, your happiness, and there cannot be! Accept this thought to realize your happiness. Happiness is within us, because it depends on our perception of ourselves and our life, and not on life and not on those who surround us in it. Otherwise, you will never find your happiness, because you will always doubt that you have found it.

So I am absolutely convinced that our happiness lies within us. In any case, I found it there - inside myself. And it lies in our acceptance, first of all, of ourselves as we are, as well as in our acceptance of those goals, values, people, achievements that we currently have in our lives. This does not mean that it is enough to simply convince yourself that everything is fine with you and that you do not need to change anything in yourself and in your life. And you don’t need to strive for anything or want anything. This suggests that it is very important to appreciate what you have and work with it, develop and improve it, and not ask life for everything else, relying on the injustice of your fate. This is what we have been given - this is what we need to go through life with in order to be satisfied with it. We need to have a foundation in the form of values ​​that are important and unchangeable for each of us, from which we will grow. For on the path of life, each of us throughout our lives will have a variety of problems, obstacles and difficulties, in order to solve and overcome which it is extremely important to always remember for whom and for what you are doing this. Appreciate yours only because it is yours. Don’t think that somewhere there is something better than what is very valuable and important for you, what you have thanks to fate. Don't question your core values ​​unnecessarily, otherwise you will lose peace, lose inner strength, lose faith in yourself. Because how can you believe in someone who doesn’t know his own worth?

You know, some people constantly look for their happiness on the outside, believing that in better conditions, with the best people, at the best time, they can feel truly happy. This is partly true, let’s not deceive ourselves. External conditions determine a lot in our lives. But think about why you don’t now have what you think should make you a happier person? Is it not because you must come to this, having the base that you currently have, is it not because you need to not look for a better life, but create it, and not sometime there, but here and now? Start by appreciating very highly everything that you already have - evaluate yourself, your life, your capabilities, the people who surround you, the life you have. Form, group and polish your value system - it will help you achieve everything you want. It will give you strength in difficult times and allow you to resist temptations that could destroy you.

This is how, dear readers, I found my happiness within myself. And I felt great satisfaction from this. I am still as ambitious as before, I have a lot of plans for life, a lot of goals - operational, tactical and strategic, there are grandiose dreams that I strive to make reality, in other words, I don’t stand still, I strive forward and up, I strive for the best. But at the same time, I really appreciate, love and cherish everything that I have, which is important and dear to me. This is my support, my foundation, which gives me strength and determines the meaning of my life. And when I help people cope with their dissatisfaction with life, I do two things - first I help them realize and very highly appreciate everything that they already have, that belongs to them and is part of their personality, their life, then I help them form their basic values ​​and thus find their happiness within themselves, or you can also say - create it based on these values, and then we just look at what and how they can improve in their life to make it even more interesting, beautiful and happy . As you can see, conservatism goes very well with innovation. You can strive for more and better and at the same time appreciate, love and take care of the most precious thing a person has.

And, believe me, friends, there are no deadlocks. Every person is rich in something, everyone has something valuable and very important to him, and everyone can achieve more and better with the help of everything that he already has. To do this, you just need to decide on the first, most important step and not be afraid to take it. And having done it, go to the end. And then dissatisfaction with life will turn from a problem for a person into an excellent opportunity to make his life even happier and more interesting.

... or destructive?

The reasons for such criticism may be hidden not only in your relationship, but also in his internal state. You could have hurt him or offended him with something. But he was hurt and he cannot forgive. Even if he tries hard.

It is very easy to notice and understand if he criticizes:

• on little things;
• without a real reason;
• he is constantly dissatisfied with everything;
• shifts focus from one problem to another;
• criticizes your appearance in a way that really hurts.

And there is no point in asking the questions “What’s wrong with me?” The whole point of criticizing is to hit your self-esteem and instill doubt in you.

If this doesn't work, he may not be interested in a harmonious relationship. There are also cases when a man criticizes, feeling guilty of cheating.

Tell me about your fears

Fear is a powerful destructive force that feeds on the energy and common sense of all people. Overcoming your nightmares means freeing yourself from shackles, becoming a more peaceful and free person. But this task is extremely difficult, so most people live in constant anxiety. It is this condition that turns a full-fledged and cheerful person into an eternally dissatisfied person who both mutters under his breath and openly criticizes. What fears drive us and turn us into grumblers?

• Fear of not being accepted by society. That is, the opinion of others is important to a person; if they do not respect him, this is a reason to hate everything around him.
• Fear of being unloved. Why live if no one will appreciate and love you simply for being you?
• Anxiety that something bad might happen and everything will be destroyed.

One of these three fears in any form can lead, or perhaps all of them in tandem feed each other, thus destroying the personality.

Subpersonality that does not give the right to mistakes

The emergence of the inner critic occurs in childhood. A child, exploring the world and his capabilities, is faced with the expectations of society and the discontent of others when he does not live up to these expectations.

When raising children, adults are guided by a certain set of rules of behavior that they adopted from their parents. And as soon as a child breaks these rules, he is scolded, criticized, shown his dissatisfaction, deprived of encouragement, put in a corner, thus demonstrating that actions outside the rules are punishable. As a result, the little person gains experience: everything that is not included in the “correct” category is fraught with trouble.

Jordan Whitt/unsplash.com

In order to prevent further painful experiences from punishment for “wrong” actions, a protective intrapsychic mechanism is developed that inhibits human activity. This is self-criticism, or the inner critic. Since the child absorbs everything that comes from the outside, his critical voice speaks in the words and intonations of significant people: parents, educators, teachers.

“Shameless, arrogant idiot! You are nothing of yourself!” — a young woman hears her father’s words in her head in situations where she needs to defend her point of view or express her desires. These phrases have been etched into her memory since childhood and emerge against her will, depriving her of strength and self-confidence. These thoughts make her hands and feet cold, her throat constricts, her body turns to stone, like in childhood, and she can’t do anything about it.

A person who was criticized, condemned, and punished a lot in childhood has a lot of doubts about his abilities, skills, usefulness, and dignity. His inner critic is strong and active. He stands guard so that a person does not get into trouble, so that his actions do not again turn out to be wrong. Often this subpersonality deprives us of the ability to do anything at all.

Who should not study online?

Despite the obvious advantages, online education is completely contraindicated for some people. This primarily concerns less prepared students and those who do not have sufficient self-control and organization. Experts made this conclusion during a study based on Chicago schools. Students who failed the exam were divided into two groups to prepare for a retake. As a result, among those who studied online, the failure rate was quite high, but those studying “live” successfully retook the exam.

But for people who are very motivated to study, such courses, on the contrary, can help expand their horizons and acquire new skills.

Nuances of education

A very good reason. If it was customary in his family to communicate at the level of criticism and complaints with or without reason, he will adhere to the same strategy in relationships. Dropped a cup - a bungler, came with a deuce - a fool, a girl refused - “not a man.”

All this becomes fuel for everyday nagging. There are two news: bad and good.

I'll start with the bad: it's impossible to change a man with a snap of your fingers. There is a chance only if he himself realizes the problem and wants to solve it. I’ll tell you a secret: men in general are extremely difficult to change and I strongly do not recommend doing it.

So if you are at the stage of choosing a partner and you no longer like the fact that he criticizes you, teases you, finds fault with you - end this relationship.

The good news: if a man works on himself, and you keep up and change like a woman, his bad habit can be eradicated.

What's it like to live next to a grump?

Now let’s analyze the characters of people who live with bores, endure their endless humiliating nagging and find endless excuses for them. Such people are simply afraid of loneliness to such an extent that they are ready to endure anything so as not to have a scandal and break up. Or such people are too dependent on the bore that they agree to remain silent so as not to be left alone and without content. This option is much worse, of course.

Another category of people is distinguished by their temper and aggressiveness, so they do not perceive a grouch as something abnormal, but quarrel with him every day, considering this the norm of life. Children who observe constant scandals acquire extremes in their psyche: either they become phlegmatic and autistic; or they follow in the footsteps of their parents and achieve everything through scandals.

How to Avoid a Shame Spiral

As you move through the five stages of bereavement, it may happen that some rejection or criticism will set off a chain reaction of negative thoughts and doubts. For example: “I was rejected because my idea was no good. It means I'm mediocre or not smart enough. Of course, I'm mediocre - I failed my final exams. Speaking of exams, I was a failure at school too. Yes, I’m still a loser! I won’t succeed, it’s easier to forget about it.”

If you notice that you have become unreasonably negative towards yourself or, contrary to reason, are looking for evidence of your inadequacy, then you have fallen into a shame spiral. One thought leads to another, as if you are stuck in quicksand and will soon fall headlong. How to get out? Here are some tips:

1. Recognize that you have entered a shame spiral. This spiral begins to unwind when you draw lines from today's failure to the past or allow the current failure to paint everything in dark tones: “Bad day, bad week, whole life is crap.” When you fall into despair, you urgently need to understand that you do not see the truth, but what your mood tells you.
2. Relax and take a deep breath. If you get stuck in quicksand, fill your lungs with air and you won't drown. If you're panicking after being rejected or criticized, taking slow breaths can help you calm down.
3. Take a pause. If you start twitching, you will get stuck even deeper in the sand. After hearing refusal or criticism, do not make hasty movements. Before any important decision, take a pause - allow yourself to experience resentment, anger or disappointment.
4. Find a way to get out. Engage in some kind of restorative activity to lift your spirit and dispel bad moods. If meditation helps you, find balance with it, blow off some steam with a run, or reach out to your trusted circle.

Whiners, dissatisfied and always suffering

• No time and can't get anything done? Stop surfing the Internet, the phone, playing on the computer and lying on the couch. There will immediately be enough time, just like everyone else.

• Small salary? If you don’t earn well, improve your qualifications, change your job to another and get more. But is it easier to whine than to look for solutions and work?

• Child benefit is pathetic? Before you have sex, think about whether you can raise a child. Nobody promised to feed your children. This is your decision and you give birth to children for yourself, and not for the state, parents or others.

• Poor health? Drink, smoke and party all your life, and then complain about your health? First, pregnant women drink and smoke, and then the whole world collects money for treatment for a child?

• Are banks taking money? There was no point in taking out a new iPhone, car or other similar nonsense on credit. 50% of things that are bought on credit or in installments are not particularly needed by a person.

• Too fat, too thin and bad heredity? How many times do you play sports a week, how do you eat and what kind of lifestyle do you lead? It's easier to complain than to go for a run and go to the gym.

• Do your parents or grandparents help you a little? Your parents gave birth to you and raised you. They are not obligated to give you a car, get you a good job, or move out of their apartment to make room for you.

• Money is tight? Eternal complaints about the small amount of money in your wallet? But the show-off is through the roof. Every weekend at the club, expensive phones, branded clothes, trips to Europe and money down the drain. Maybe show off less or earn more?

People complain about things all the time. If a person constantly complains but doesn’t change anything, then he’s happy with everything. He just likes to whine and get sympathy. He is not looking for a solution, but wants you to feel sorry, help, or join the stream of negative whining.

How to protect yourself from the flow of negativity and whiners?

• Create distance with the whiner. Avoid always dissatisfied people and try not to communicate. Whiners make you weaker and pull you into their abyss of whining.

• Ask for a solution. Ask how the person is going to solve his problem. Usually whiners shut up because they need to complain, not solve the problem.

• Ignore. Sometimes the people closest to you whine. Put on your imaginary defense, nod and smile.

If you like to whine, whine. But step aside and don’t pester people with your tears and snot who want to be happy and enjoy every day in life.

What not to do

In all cases, without exception, people who are always dissatisfied with life are drowning people who scream and beg you for help. With all this, they can be especially aggressive, and when you start to “rescue” them, they will try their best to push away you and your proposals. In such situations (if the person is dear to you), under no circumstances stop fighting for him. Living with clenched teeth and enduring his eternal negative attacks is a destructive policy for both him and you. Remember that psychologists know about eternally dissatisfied people; they know how to help them and guide them in the right direction. But first of all, you must, as a family and friend, persuade the grumbler to resolve his main problem.

How does the inner critic manifest itself?

1. Dissatisfaction with one’s appearance, character, behavior: from mild annoyance to self-hatred. A striking example of this is women who go under the knife of a plastic surgeon in order to remake their body.

2. Feeling of awkwardness and shame at the slightest reason. Hence the ban on pleasure and the realization of one’s own desires as a punishment for one’s wrongdoing. Surely you have met such people.

3. Comparing yourself with others, often not to your advantage. Those around you are initially perceived better in all respects. From here arise relationships built on emotional dependence. And from here the legs of dependence on the opinions of others grow.

4. Irritation as a background feeling, regardless of the situation. Constant dissatisfaction with oneself sooner or later develops into irritation.

5. The desire to do everything perfectly.

6. Demandingness, rigidity and irreconcilability towards oneself and others. The inner critic is merciless in his assessments and demands that everything be perfect. When this subpersonality is developed, a person becomes like his critical part.

7. Doubt about the correctness of your thoughts, feelings, desires. This gives rise to the state of “I don’t know what I want,” helplessness and infantilism.

8. Blurring personal boundaries from within. The inner critic devalues ​​the person himself and idealizes the opinions of significant people.

9. Harsh self-criticism suppresses naturalness, spontaneity, emotionality, sexuality, creative expression, and contributes to the development of apathy and depressive states.

What do you call people who have everything sorted into shelves?

A perfectionist, a maximalist, an idealist, an inventor, a dreamer, someone who is sure that no one does anything better than him. All

There should be beauty in a person: soul, thoughts, clothes and mood!

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Inbox forwarding

Redirecting incoming aggression is one of the most common reasons for criticism. Not only among men.

Work conflicts, family squabbles and a bunch of other things can cause emotional stress in him.

That’s why a storm often hits you, but the aggression doesn’t reach the culprit.

So you get the role of a punching bag. If you understand that criticism and complaints are absolutely unfair, carefully ask how he is doing. Find out what makes him angry, why he behaves this way.

I recommend talking about your feelings, this will melt his heart and help you better convey your thoughts to him.

A man cannot resist this. You literally make him fall in love with you!

For example, like this: “Darling, I have a feeling that you’re actually angry about something else. Tell me what happened."

This is how you can show your love in a way that he will truly understand.

By talking about your feelings, you let the man know that you don’t take his criticism with hostility. That you are open to dialogue.

Three main scientific truths of motivation

Motivation is the energy that we need to perform a particular action. Three main factors can provide you with a large amount of good quality energy - choice, involvement and competence.

You must have a choice. Every person has a need to realize that he has the right to choose, to feel his capabilities and to manage the situation. Every person has the right to choose how to behave, otherwise achieving his goals becomes a more difficult task.

You have to have ownership. Each of us has a need to feel a close connection with other people. We strive to set meaningful goals and contribute to the common good. If this does not happen, then the quality of your energy suffers seriously and you do not experience any satisfaction from the process.

You must be competent. A person must know that he has the ability to manage everyday situations and demonstrate his skills while experiencing his own growth. If this does not happen, then the energy is blocked and frustration sets in from the inability to perform the simplest tasks.

It is these three truths that underlie the motivation of every person. If you look around, you will notice that if these three factors are present, you are calm and confident, but if you lack something, then you feel fear, anger, stress and a lot of pressure.

Our brain has an interesting feature - the reticular formation system. It goes off like an alarm, for example, when someone calls your name loudly in a noisy room

And it can help to understand the importance of gaining choice, belonging and competence

Through this prism, you can look at the actions and behavior of children from a completely different angle. For example, a baby who tries to feed himself with a spoon is defending his choice, a two-year-old who turns to a stranger is trying to gain belonging, and a baby who takes his first steps and falls is learning competence.

Let's look into the soul of a grumbler

No, it’s not even complexes and dissatisfaction. There is black, bad envy there. A painful feeling that can drive a person to the point of losing his mind if given free rein. At the same time, it is not at all necessary to be a degraded person, a loser or a chronic unemployed. Grumpiness is a state of mind.

A grumpy person can be a very successful person in terms of career and financial status; he can be a very talented specialist in a creative profession or a professional in his field. But his character leaves much to be desired, since all his communication with close people and friends comes down to the desire to humiliate, make comments on his appearance, behavior, manner of speaking, etc.

If you look even deeper into the state of mind of the grumbler, then this will become clear. No one else has ever managed to achieve absolutely everything they would like and dream about. Behind external signs of success there may be a deep feeling of inferiority and dissatisfaction. I wanted to become a businessman, but I became the head of a training center; I wanted to give birth to a boy, but I ended up with two daughters; I wanted to earn money for an apartment, but I had to suffer through the construction of a house on the site. Those. It is simply impossible to go through life following the planned route! You need to learn to choose the most important thing: if you wanted your own home, you got it; I wanted to start a family and children - it worked out; I wanted a career - I succeeded. But this side of the coin is not considered by the grouch...

And, like a snowball, dissatisfaction with oneself (more precisely, the inability to be satisfied with oneself) begins to express itself in pulling others down. It seems that my friend’s wife is much slimmer, but he is not so lucky with his plump figure; it seems that his children do not appreciate their father and do not know how to be grateful; it seems that his subordinates would treat him with more respect if he were taller or a technician by profession. There will be a reason.

Grumbling and nagging invariably lead to irritability and quarrels. Some everyday little things can drive a grouch into a rage: loud music in a child’s room is a sign of wind in the head and a lack of regard for studying; washing curtains on a weekend is a sign of mismanagement and inability to spend weekends with family.

An exercise to help you deal with your inner critic

avemario/Depositphotos.com

Methodology

An active inner critic can ruin your life. While you evaluate your actions with the help of this subpersonality, you continue to look at yourself through the eyes of significant adults from childhood. One of the ways to get out of the influence of the inner critic is to learn to evaluate your actions yourself, based on your current capabilities and lifestyle.

I offer you one exercise that will help you cope with this task. It reduces the activity of the inner critic and helps improve self-esteem. Do it at the end of the day.

Keep a separate notebook. Divide a sheet of paper in half with a vertical line. On the left, write down in a column all the complaints that you have against yourself today. Put down your notebook. Drink tea, mind your business or take a walk. And after 15–30 minutes, write opposite each negative statement what advantages you received as a result of this situation.

Important points

1. Write down complaints not for your entire life, but only for today: what you didn’t do that day, didn’t finish, did wrong. Start dealing with your critic little by little, otherwise you will not be able to cope with the number of complaints against yourself.

2. You need to write until you feel that you have nothing more to say. Let your critical voice speak out, and you may learn useful things for yourself.

3. A feature of the internal critic is a generalization, which manifests itself in phrases such as “Everything is bad”, “Nothing worked out”, “As always”, “A complete fool”, “A terrible cretin”. Therefore, if you want to write something similar in the left column, clarify what your mistake was, what you were bad at. With such a detailed description, the emotional charge decreases. There is an opportunity to see what you have achieved.

4. If you have nothing to object to the claim of your inner critic, then agree with him. After all, he is often right. But add something that could compensate for your mistake.

Types of people, a person who complains is called.

5 / 5 ( 1 voice )

I continue to reflect on the topic of different types of people, which I started recently. I have already written about those who like to label other people, and about those who do not know how to listen and remember. Today I will continue about those who constantly (or just often) complain.

I want to explain right away that “complaining” does not always mean writing a complaint, crying to your mother about your careless drunkard husband, or telling your colleague what an idiot your boss is. The small dictionary below will answer the question of what it means to “complain.”

Complaining means feeling sorry for yourself. This is a certain way of psychologically influencing other people, which leads to the fact that the complainer evokes EMPATHY in the one who listens to him.

Empathy is a mechanism based on empathy, or the ability to take another person’s place and accept his point of view, believe him, and help. To empathize means to experience the same thing, to experience together, to participate in the experience together.

But the desire to help can be interpreted as a desire to take responsibility for resolving a situation that happened to another.

Do you understand? Those who complain want to involve the other person in their situation and give them some of the responsibility for successfully resolving it.

So, the basis of “complaint” is a more complex mechanism that all people learn in childhood. I'm talking about transferring responsibility. And I invite you to consider this mechanism with me, which will clarify for you the psychology of those people who like to complain.

I have repeatedly noticed the following characteristic of some people - in “difficult” (or simply unfavorable for themselves) situations, they prefer to transfer responsibility from themselves to someone else. This can be veiled by various phrases, ranging from the most obvious, such as “It’s not my fault, he came himself!” and ending with manipulations of varying complexity, like this - “before I talk about what I did during XXX, I would like to draw your attention to those people who, no matter what, continued to do YYY. It seems to me that it would be fair to condemn such actions and tighten preventive measures. »

Why should people shift responsibility?

Such a complex process as shifting responsibility can have two simple reasons (or goals):

1. Protecting your rights and justice

Not everything really depends on you. If, for example, you were late for work, then this could happen because some reckless driver caught up with you at a traffic light, and not necessarily because you overslept. Or you bought a phone that refused to work on the second day and you came to the store to return it back because you want a really working phone, and NOT to deceive the store. Or you hit an adult attacking your child with a heavy blunt object. You never know what can happen. It is necessary to protect and defend your rights.

2. Misleading people in order to obtain benefits for oneself

For example, you bought a phone and after falling into the bathroom toilet it (for some reason) stopped working, and you go to the store and blame the manufacturer (or seller) for selling you a low-quality product that broke on the second day of use. Your goal here is to get other people to correct your mistake at their own expense.

With age, as a rule, forms of abdication of responsibility only become more complicated, but do not disappear (my personal observation).

I had one friend who manipulated his relatives so cleverly that they almost constantly felt guilty. For something they really didn't do! This man was just very good at transferring responsibility to others. For example, his son, who did not want to continue his business, was responsible for the constantly deteriorating affairs in the business. HIS BUSINESS, not his son's business. Do you understand?