If you put the interests of others first and your own last, sooner or later it will undermine your strength. Maybe it’s worth reconsidering your life now?
Everyone loves Mandy. She is so cute. Caring, generous, always ready to help. In fact, she rarely says no because she doesn't like to upset people or let them down.
Unfortunately, this trait makes her someone who is easy to get the better of. At work, at church, or even in the PTA, everyone knows that Mandy is the person to turn to when you need help. She strives to do everything flawlessly, sparing no time and effort. Sometimes her friends wonder how Mandy even finds time to sleep.
Mandy works as an office manager for a large construction company, and her boss absolutely adores her. And how can you not love her? She is a model worker, coming early and staying late, always doing the hardest work, and sometimes doing the work of colleagues who are not quite up to the job.
Mandy hates misunderstandings, disagreements and conflict, so she always tries to smooth things over and make sure no one is left upset or angry.
Mandy has been like this since childhood. She grew up in a prosperous, even almost ideal family - a mother and father with two children (a girl and a boy), living outside the city in a comfortable two-story house. Mandy's older brother started rebelling when he entered middle school, and he was always in trouble in high school. Fights at home ran rampant, and Mandy spent much of her time trying to be the perfect daughter and contain the simmering tensions in the family.
Mandy cares about how she looks and what she wears as she is always worried about what other people might think of her. The woman likes to keep up with fashion trends, but is not ultra-modern. She also takes pride in her attention to decorating and taking care of her home and doesn't want anyone to think that she is a bad housewife.
Mandy was always active in her social life and had many friends. The room becomes brighter from her sincere smile. Mandy and her husband get along well because Mandy hates arguments and simply agrees with her husband on everything rather than fighting to have her own way.
Mandy dreams of opening her own business. She would like to have a small cafe in the city center, but has no idea where she will find the time for this. In addition, Mandy has difficulty withstanding criticism: if the business suddenly fails, she will feel humiliated.
Sometimes she finds her life tiring. Trying to make everyone happy, Mandy spends a lot of time, which in the end is not left at all for her own dreams and goals.
Mandy is a People Pleaser.
Who is a People Pleaser
People Pleasers always seek the approval of others. This archetype struggles most with the fear of letting someone down or being judged for their actions.
They live with an eye on the whole world: who will react how and what people will say. Instead of confidently moving towards his own goals, the People Pleaser hesitates and is in constant tension, waiting for people’s reactions to his actions and words, fearing that he will be ridiculed and made out to be a fool. People of this archetype feel overwhelmed by their own indecision and unable to take action.
Although People Pleasers may not consider themselves extroverts, they are often popular and well-liked. These people constantly monitor how they may be perceived, and, as a rule, carefully select their words, often agree, and hide their point of view on some issue if it contradicts the general consensus.
People Pleasers have a hard time saying no and setting healthy boundaries because they are terrified of letting other people down. And people, in turn, are glad to have such a friend or colleague nearby who is always ready to help, serve, please. Kind and generous with time and energy.
It is important for People Pleasers to be on good terms with everyone, they do not allow themselves to do anything that could cause anger, disappointment or resentment. The People Pleaser is friendly with everyone; you can call him the life of the party. For him, this is a way to win the approval of others and be loved.
Although such characteristics may not seem so bad at first glance, they force a person to neglect his desires for the sake of other people’s needs and to set his life priorities incorrectly. Sometimes things like this come to the surface in the most unexpected way.
There is no doubt that, having pushed personal goals and dreams into the background, we will inevitably experience bitterness and resentment, dissatisfaction with life.
The People Pleaser is the third most common fear archetype. 21% of respondents found it the most important for themselves, and for 63% this archetype is in the top three.
Low self-esteem
People who have self-esteem and can evaluate themselves objectively will never try to please someone. It is low self-esteem that leads to this desire. Most likely, the child was not given enough attention in childhood or was overprotected, after which he was faced with real life when people valued him in their own way. As a result, self-esteem became catastrophically low, the desire to become taller, smarter and stronger in the eyes of other people became a priority for them. They no longer hope that they will be able to love themselves, but they make desperate attempts to feel love for themselves after hearing words of praise. They do not understand that only adequate self-esteem can change their lives.
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What People Pleasers Think About Themselves and Others
Here are some of the thoughts and beliefs expressed by our respondents who scored high on the People Pleaser archetype.
- “I'm afraid of failure, being ridiculed or laughing at someone. I'm afraid of losing friends."
- “I know it shouldn't be this way, but I'm afraid of what others will think of me, like what I do. I'm worried they won't approve of it."
- “I'm afraid of looking stupid or that people will think I'm wasting money, and I'm afraid of disappointing or angering those I love.”
- “I'm afraid of being overwhelmed and letting people down. I've let people down before because of lack of time, lack of stamina or lack of willpower."
- “I booked a few workshops to talk about health, focus on self-love and overcome self-criticism, and then I canceled everything. I let the fear of being seen and judged as weak stop me.”
- “I am afraid of losing face in front of other people or appearing like a fraud. I’m bothered by the feeling that I’m worse than my peers who are becoming “pros.”
- “I'm worried about mistakes, I'm afraid of disappointing people. I don't want to embarrass myself."
Lack of happiness
Each person has his own idea of happiness. And for some it is so unreal that it has nothing to do with ordinary life. that is, such a thing does not exist in principle. However, man by nature is a romantic and persistently seeks his ideal. And since it is impossible to find him, he tries to please everyone in order to find his like-minded person among all these people. It seems to such a person that he needs to strive to be ideally kind and responsive, conflict-free and flexible in order to deserve this happiness. He doesn’t realize that only inner harmony can restore a feeling of happiness.
How does the People Pleaser archetype hinder you?
As a People Pleaser, you face the danger of allowing the thoughts, opinions, and needs of others to prevent you from pursuing your own dreams, passions, and goals.
Here are some ways this fear archetype can negatively affect you:
- You may ignore your own desires because you are worried and afraid of what others might think or say about you.
- You may follow a popular idea or point of view just to fit in because everyone else supports it.
- You may struggle with the urge to refuse to help someone because you realize you have little time to pursue your own goals and dreams.
- You can allow people to take advantage of your kindness and generosity, to “sit on your neck.”
- An irrational fear of letting people down may cause you to give in to the demands of others rather than stand up for yourself or use your own judgment.
- You may be more interested in being liked and approved by others than in achieving your own goals.
There will always be those who don't like your choice.
There is no solution, product or service that will satisfy everyone at once. For example, look at product reviews. Some say that they have never seen anything better in their life, and others say that this is money thrown away.
But even decisions that don't affect anyone else can still be judged. So, your mother may speak unkindly about your new job, or your friends may express dissatisfaction with your new relationship.
You can listen to their opinions and advice, but you don't have to make them happy.
How to stop pleasing everyone
Here are some strategies you can use to overcome your fear of being judged.
Rethink. Much of your fear of being judged or letting people down comes from the script that is in your head. This scenario communicates that others may not like or accept me if I do not follow the path expected of me. If you want to free yourself from this fear, you must begin to change this attitude. Create a few new affirmations that you can repeat daily that will eventually change that old, wrong message.
If you know deep down that people will judge you when you tell them no, then the new statement should be something like, “It’s okay to have your own opinion that not everyone agrees with. Disagreeing doesn't mean they don't like me."
Likewise, if you are afraid that people will be disappointed in your actions, then try telling yourself something like: “The people to whom I mean something, who sincerely want me to be happy, will not change their attitude towards me if I put them first. place one's own interests."
Take action. The most important thing a People Pleaser should practice is learning to say the word “no.” After all, if you refuse to say “no”, ignoring your needs and desires, you will soon lead yourself to neurosis, and in this state it is impossible to give anything to anyone - neither to yourself nor to those around you. Worse, you will begin to feel burdened by the obligations you have taken on.
Want to avoid this? Just learn to say no. Of course, for a People Pleaser this is easier said than done! However, the more you practice giving up, the easier and more natural it will become for you. Take time to think before giving an answer, delegate some of the tasks, assessing your own capabilities and desires, analyze the priority of current affairs. Say no. Over and over and over again.
Be sure to set aside time in your schedule that you can spend just for yourself. Start small, and after a while people will adapt to the new order in your life. Don't forget: when you take care of your own needs first, you make yourself a better person for others, too.
As a People Pleaser, you have spent some time putting other people's needs before your own and neglecting to take care of yourself. This state of affairs could tire you and accumulate internal irritation. That’s why it’s so important to take care of yourself and find time every day to realize your personal goals. Me first. Then everyone else.
Create accountability. To overcome any type of fear, you need to find a teacher or mentor who has the qualities and skills you hope to develop in yourself, and let him help you.
Ideally, you will find someone who is willing to push you outside of your comfort zone; someone who can also help you practice saying no and taking care of yourself. You may feel uncomfortable and uneasy at first, but in the end, especially if you trust the person, you will be able to succeed.
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Dependence on the authoritative opinions of other people
This behavior is often formed in childhood, sometimes facilitated by a person’s character traits. There are cases when even parents cannot persuade their child to pay less attention to peers and not perceive them as rivals or competitors. As a result, the son or daughter grows up and continues to imitate someone or repeat after someone. This becomes a habit, and the person constantly looks for objects that he wants to please.
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Very often, such an object becomes a celebrity, for whom (and for everyone who is related to her) the person is ready to do anything. People who are dependent on authoritative opinion are very eager for recognition and will never deal with those who are lower in status than them. But for the sake of their idol they are ready to sacrifice almost everything. So they live someone else’s life, forgetting about their own.
How to fight the desire to please
At some point, Mandy was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, she was too tired and did not get enough sleep. Soon she became seriously ill with the flu. Unable to get out of bed, Mandy listened to a self-care podcast and finally realized it was time to make a change.
Mandy started with a frank conversation with her husband. He was glad to hear that she wanted to take more time for herself. He said that he would always love his wife, even if she expressed a different point of view from his and did not agree with him. The woman was shocked.
Then she started saying “no,” gracefully getting out of situations in which she would have previously said “yes.” Mandy was stunned when everyone she interacted with seemed to understand her and no one was angry. As a result, the woman concluded that all the tension was in her head.
At work, Mandy stopped trying to smooth over any conflict and take on other people's work, and instead began to encourage colleagues to take the initiative to work independently, and also began to be stricter about her own boundaries when it came to her schedule.
Mandy putting her life and her desires first has been the biggest change for her. The woman still hasn’t found the courage to open a cafe, but her dream has become more real and closer.
A good girl shouldn't become a victim
You need to understand that sacrificing yourself to others leads to dissatisfaction, problems and suffering. This is not a healthy and fulfilling life strategy!
It also doesn't make you any better. Sacrificing yourself for others and failing every time is not a sign of mercy, but a lack of self-care. Instead of showing that you have a good heart, you are showing that you don't respect yourself. Take a time out - for the sake of yourself and your loved ones.
If you feel tired of wanting to be good to everyone, the first thing you need to do is admit that you are important! Just as important as other people. Therefore, you deserve the same respect, love and care that you give them. So give yourself some well-deserved love!
Dependence on another person
It also happens that a person does not feel happy for objective reasons. For example, he is lonely and dreams of a life partner. Therefore, he tries to please everyone. When he finds his soulmate, he surrounds her with such obsessive care that the relationship deteriorates very quickly, and often this leads to a breakup. After this, the offended and abandoned person also becomes helpless. He devoted all his strength and energy to finding and keeping the object of his love. But nothing worked out for him. And he also becomes socially dependent, and again this leads to a negative result, since the saying “you can’t be nice by force” was definitely invented by the sages.
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