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How to correct the consequences of your mistake if everything gets out of control? If its results have become so large-scale that it is impossible to cope with them? For example, I had a fight with my grandmother and she died due to a heart attack. He lied - and this lie crippled his friend’s life. I told the gossip to my boss and my colleague was fired from his job. The driver hit a man. Will God forgive if nothing can be fixed? How to find a balance between self-flagellation and self-justification? Archpriest Vyacheslav Ponevin, rector of the St. Nicholas Church in Enakievo, pondered these complex questions.
Repentance is not only a listing of one’s sins before a priest. This is repentance for what has been done, a desire to improve, change, and, in addition, compensation for the damage caused. Of course, it is impossible to return the situation to the state it was in before the mistake was made. Often a person has no control over the consequences of certain actions. However, you can still try and, if possible, correct, if not the consequences, then yourself.
Do no harm
I’ll say right away: compensation for damage is not as simple as it seems at first glance. We need to take it on if it does not cause harm to the one to whom we are going to compensate, or to us. After all, you can correct your mistakes in such a way that others will not be happy. Example: a boy and a girl had an affair, the girl gave birth to a child, the guy ran away. However, despite everything, the girl got married successfully, everything is fine with her. But the devotee of piety, which the guy has become, suddenly decides to repent, make amends, and begins to search, call, write letters. As a result, due to good intentions, the family may collapse. Our good intentions are not always really good and lead to good things.
A person’s repentance occurs with the participation of a priest. I think that compensation for damage should also be discussed with the spiritual mentor - so that it does not bring harm to anyone.
What and how to do?
Whatever the variant of a negative attitude towards mistakes, they all lead to deterioration of health. The worst thing is that in this way we can unwittingly fall into a vicious circle: a mistake leads to a bad state, a bad state leads to loss of concentration, weakening of the body and psyche, and this leads to new mistakes and failures and worsening of the negative state.
How to get out of this vicious circle? How to react to mistakes and failures productively and, easily overcome them, move on?
There are many ways and, as always, they work best when used together.
What to do if you are at fault?
What to do if there is no way to make amends or ask for forgiveness from the person you offended? The main thing is not to fall into despair. Yes, compensation for damage is necessary, but the situation does not always allow this to be done. If you can, compensate, if not, look for other ways. There are different options.
First: help those who are currently in a similar situation and need help. I have encountered situations where people beat someone in their youth, and there is no way to apologize to the victim: either time has passed and he has died, or it is impossible to get in touch with him. I recommended going to the hospital and donating bandages and medicines for those who suffered from beatings.
Second: pray. If we have offended someone, and this person has already died, we can always pray for him: at home, in church, at a memorial service.
Third: charity. You can make some kind of donation, help financially - now there are hundreds of opportunities for this.
Stage 5. Implementation of improvements
It’s not enough to just come up with rules: you also need to make sure that these rules immediately start working and change life for the better. If we don’t implement them specifically, they will “gather dust” in our diary as dead weight. There is a high probability that we will soon forget about them and again make mistakes that have already been worked out.
Therefore, at the last stage we need to determine: with what tool will we implement these rules? This is what it looks like:
Let's look at these tools in a little more detail.
1. One-time task. This is a task that only needs to be completed once to prevent the error or problem from recurring. For example, if we have a problem “the computer is slowing down,” we just need to “buy an additional 16 GB block of RAM.”
We write the task in an organizer (if you don’t have one yet, be sure to get one) for the day when it will be convenient to complete it.
2. Regular task. This is a task that we need to repeat periodically: every day, every Saturday, every month, etc. For example, if we constantly forget to buy groceries on the way home from work, we will need to create a regular reminder task “Should we go to the store? "
The same thing: we create a new task in the organizer (you can link it to a specific time) and set up its repetition. You can read more about how to work with such tasks in our article “Repetitive tasks”.
3. Work checklist. Checklists are a very convenient tool for organizing any repetitive processes. This includes training and sports, cleaning activities, pet care, inspections, audits, creating standard products, etc. If you regularly use checklists, it will be easier for you to prevent mistakes: if you make a mistake, just add to checklist is a new item for its prevention.
We had a separate article about creating work checklists.
4. Habit tracker. Some rules will require us to develop new habits or change old ones. For this purpose, time management uses several tools, the most popular of which is the habit tracker:
It works very simply: we add every habit that we need to develop or change to the tracker and monitor its compliance.
5. Personal code. This is another very powerful tool for self-development, which should be discussed separately at some point. It is a set of personal rules and principles for all occasions: from communicating with people to caring for the home.
To create a codex, you can use a notepad, a general notebook, or a text file.
Excerpt from personal code
The code may have several sections. For example:
- Main rules;
- My moral principles;
- Communication with people;
- Business;
- Clients;
- Health;
- Car, etc.
For the code to work, it must be re-read regularly and thoughtfully. In this case, the rules will be “absorbed” and become an integral part of our personality.
Now that we have understood the tools, we can choose the appropriate implementation method for each rule. Please note: after this, you need to immediately put all the tasks and rules in “their place”: in an organizer, in a habit tracker, etc. Otherwise, you can forget about them very quickly.
Who needs it?
Making amends is necessary for our soul to be changed by doing good deeds. Still, what is more important for God is not formal confession, not formal correction of mistakes, but changes in the soul. To repent means to become a different person: kinder, more merciful, more honest. This is the main goal. To compensate for the damage, but remain the same as you were, is wrong.
People brought a lot of formality into the Church. Everyone baptizes children, performs funeral services for the dead, bless cars and houses, but in fact a very small percentage of people can be considered Christians. The bulk, and this is about 90%, simply observe rituals. “They told us so,” “this is how it should be,” “well, this is how it’s supposed to be,” but why this is needed, what the point is, I have no idea. They don’t know the Creed or the “Our Father,” but they bless water and Easter cakes and order memorial services. In fact, they did not become part of the Christian community, but Christianity is impossible without the Church.
Formalities should be avoided. Whenever you do something, you need to have an end goal in mind. If we repent, then we need to understand that the goal is to change our inner self. Getting rid of passion that torments. If a person is irritable, he can offend people, then ask for forgiveness, then offend again, and this will last forever, no changes occur in him. What good is his apology? Can his repentance be considered sincere?
If a believer repents, then the result should be his internal change for the better, the replacement of passions and sins with good deeds. Do you feel bad, overcome by selfishness, irritation, pride? At these moments, it’s good to go and do some small good deed: pray for a person, say a kind word to him, give him a treat.
True Forgiveness
The main task is to understand the process of the most sincere forgiveness. This means that the person has identified the essence of his guilt (or the guilt of another, which you voluntarily took upon yourself) and honestly admitted to himself that this negative aspect still exists in his life. Forgiveness will become complete relaxation, restoration of the soul, and a transition to a new level of life. After this realization, you will understand that you are ready to bring dramatic changes to your life and the lives of your loved ones. Try to look at yourself from the outside through the eyes of a loving person. Do you deserve to bear the burden of your mistakes for the rest of your life? Isn't it time to cut this rope that's holding you in place? If you analyze everything, you will understand that the time has come to finally let go of all the grievances to yourself and everyone else.
Guilt as a way to punish yourself
Often people who have made some irreparable mistakes suffer extremely from feelings of guilt. It becomes their way of punishing themselves. They think that this feeling is right because they are supposed to be depressed after what happened. This is, of course, not true. Yes, we must have a sober awareness of our bad deed. There's no escape: I did it. But this does not mean that you need to punish yourself for the rest of your life.
What should be done? - fulfill the three points already mentioned: repent, make a promise to yourself not to repeat what was done, and make reparations. If it is not possible, do good deeds. “Turn away from evil and do good” (Ps. 33:15), says the Psalter. So we will replace evil with good. It is not enough just to refuse to do evil. If we begin to do good deeds instead of evil, then the Lord will heal us through them. In doing good we come into contact with God, since He is love, and we are cured of our spiritual illnesses.
Stage 3. Correcting errors
At this stage, we will find out: is it possible to somehow correct these errors? Think:
- Is it possible to change what happened?
- If not, is it possible to minimize or compensate for the consequences of these errors?
Every mistake is always some kind of damage done to our lives, our plans and our peace of mind. And ideally, it would be great if this damage was not eliminated, then at least “smoothed out” a little.
Here's what it might look like:
Alas, many mistakes in our lives cannot be corrected. And if this column often remains empty for you, don’t worry: that’s how it should be. Just move on to the next step.
Between self-flagellation and self-justification
Self-flagellation is a demonic state. It doesn't benefit anyone. On the contrary, both the people around us and ourselves suffer from it, because we drive ourselves into despair and despondency. These states are partly a manifestation of pride. We must overcome it. Yes, I committed a sin, I did something wrong. But I can change.
Despair is disappointment, disbelief in the all-forgiving mercy of God. God doesn't punish anyone. Crucifying himself on the Cross, He says: “I love you so much that I am ready to die for you.” Looking at the crucified Christ, we see neither punishment nor condemnation - only love. When people begin to engage in self-flagellation, it is as if they are saying to Him: “We do not believe in Your love and forgiveness.” This is a sign of pride.
Self-justification is also an unambiguous evil, since in this case a person lies to himself, God, and people. Everything is clear here. Many of their evil actions are justified by some good goals. Make a small sacrifice for the good of something. But good does not need evil. The Lord came into the world and died without committing a single bad deed. Didn’t violate anyone’s freedom, didn’t cause mental or physical harm to anyone. He could have done everything differently, simpler, but he did it the way he did it, and in this he is an example to all of us. No matter how good intentions we justify evil, it will always remain itself.
Self-justification is the opposite of self-flagellation, but it is the same sin that needs to be fought. They are like a plus and a minus, but the essence is the same: these are wrong, false feelings.
How can a person understand that he is justifying himself? In spiritual matters you always need an outside perspective. Without this, it is difficult to understand yourself. If a person has some serious mistakes or difficult situations in his life, it will never hurt him to come to church and discuss the situation with an experienced spiritual mentor - to understand whether he is justifying himself in relation to what happened. Many people find it convenient to push everything into the corner of their memory and live in peace.
Stage 2. Identify the causes of errors
Now we must find the cause of each recorded error. This stage will help us identify our “weak points” and understand what specifically needs to be corrected. Think: why did what happened happen?
This is roughly what you should get:
When analyzing the causes, it is important to adhere to the principle of “Mea culpa” (translated from Latin as “my fault”). In other words, we must first look for the cause of what happened in our actions. Once again: we can only change something when we take responsibility for what happened.
Even if an unpleasant event has obvious external causes, think: could you have prevented it? Could you somehow prepare for it? If yes, then this is what should be recorded as the reason.
For example, we went into the forest to pick mushrooms, got caught in the rain and got wet to the skin. The rain, naturally, happened on its own and we could not influence it in any way. However, we could check the weather forecast before leaving the house or take a raincoat with us.
Some events may have multiple causes - this is normal. In this case, you can write them all down or select only the most important one.
About imaginary good
This kind of work is the work of our whole lives. Our confession and repentance should be its result. We come to church, confess before communion, simply listing some habitual sins. This is acceptable, but not recommended. You need to constantly work on yourself. We think extremely little about our lives, analyze our feelings, and comprehend our actions. Every mistake, every passion - what pushes us to them?
How often, when we do something, we think that we are doing good and with good intentions, but in fact we are doing harm! For example, there is a person with addiction in the family. He constantly finds himself in some bad situations, and his family gets him out of them. They pay off debts, buy back what was pledged to the pawnshop, defend themselves in front of their bosses at work. Thus, they pay for his degradation and help him slide down.
The person, perhaps, would have come to his senses after the first incident. For example, if he sat in a cell for fifteen days, he would be fired from his job, and he would find the strength to say: I don’t want this. When he does something stupid, and everything is corrected for him, it’s very convenient: do what you want, no consequences. So why fix it? He doesn't see the problem and continues to degrade.
Relatives need to figure out why they do this, what feelings push them to such behavior, why they think that if they do not respond, they will go against God.
It often happens in family relationships that representatives of the older generation consider it normal to interfere in the life of a young family, destroying it. Moreover, such elders, as a rule, do not have a normal family (divorced or live as nominal spouses), but they believe that they have the right to teach life.
Why did I give these examples? First of all, you need to carefully analyze your life, try to understand why you act one way or another, what it leads to.
Consequences of the presence of resentment
Forgiving yourself is of great importance, because without this action it is impossible to move on in life. If you don’t understand this, you can expect negative consequences that will become an obstacle to harmony both in your personal life and at the professional level. Not forgiveness means that a person is not fully aware of his mistake and considers it an absurd accident. And even if this is so, you need to analyze everything that happened to you, draw appropriate conclusions and try not to get into such situations again.
If you don’t know how to forgive yourself or simply don’t want to do it, you risk “canning” all your negativity, not allowing it to come out. This will be deposited in your mind as resentment, anger, jealousy, vindictiveness and other qualities that are recommended to get rid of. Moreover, non-forgiveness will certainly lead to complete self-destruction, when a person has nothing joyful left in life. There is even a proven theory that negative feelings lead to serious illnesses (including cancer).
Remove the rotten from the pantry of the soul
Preparing for confession is a kind of inventory. We remove everything rotten and spoiled from the internal bins. We also evaluate our life: what we did wrong, for what reason, and so on.
There are people who come to confession and get away with a formal enumeration of sins: “I sinned in deed, in word, in thought.” This list becomes memorized and does not change for years. Some confess what they have already repented of, what they have transgressed, what has long been yesterday - yesterday in their spiritual life. Many people say: “In my youth I did this and that,” but what have you done now, what do you want to repent of now? That is, people walk in circles, do not change, their spiritual life at this time stands still.
Stage 4. Prevention measures
Now the most important thing: we must understand how to prevent these mistakes from happening again. At this stage, you need to come up with your own preventive measures for each error. These are usually either rules that must be followed or tasks that must be completed. For example:
This stage is the “heart” of our technology. Each such rule and each task is something that helps us change our lives for the better. Even if the changes themselves seem very small, over time they will accumulate and produce amazing results.
How to develop preventive measures? First of all, you need to look at the “Causes” section: this is where the “root of the problem” is usually hidden. If we eliminate the cause of the error, then the error itself disappears.
For example, I overslept for work. There are two reasons for this trouble: I went to bed late, and in the morning I didn’t hear the alarm on my smartphone. Now I will have one new rule and one regular task:
- Go to bed no later than 23-00.
- Set two alarms on your smartphone at once with an interval of 5 minutes.
As you already understood, several rules and tasks can be created for one error at once.
Find the reasons for your suffering in the past
To do this, you need to analyze specific situations and draw written conclusions. You can first write down negative situations associated with the past on a piece of paper, and then write next to it what you learned as a result. The answers, as a rule, are only positive, because any experience is happiness! The answers may be as follows:
“I learned to be more open, sociable, trust people, distinguish good from evil.” At the same time, you need to clearly understand that the lessons of the past can teach wisdom and adequate perception.
If you make mistakes, you must find the strength to correct them
A strong side of character is not admitting one’s own mistakes (even a weak person can admit them), but correcting them. If you can correct your own mistakes, it will affect your decision making later on. They appear to be more mature and thoughtful.
Once you understand that mistakes are not only necessary, but can also be corrected, you will no longer be afraid to make them. After all, all that is needed for this is to have a strong and strong-willed character, high self-esteem and your own opinion, independent of others.
Mistakes of the past
How to understand yourself, realizing the mistakes of your past? A person admits to himself about his own mistakes when they have already been made. By blaming other people, the Universe, and circumstances, he distances himself from understanding the lessons he has learned. Only by admitting honestly to yourself, allowing for the right to make mistakes, do opportunities open up for learning and accepting personal mistakes.
The focus shifts from self-flagellation to awareness of the wrong path. Wise people admit their mistakes easily. They know that development accelerates when they take action, rather than returning over and over again to the past.
Feelings of shame combined with unsuccessful attempts to overcome difficulties explain why many people cannot understand themselves and give up on their goals - they are not ready to accept responsibility for mistakes. They lack faith in success, because from childhood they are taught to feel guilty for personal failures. This gives rise to complete confidence that more complex goals will lead to more severe consequences. It has been noticed that the greater the ambition, the lower the ability to overcome obstacles and learn from one’s mistakes.
Errors are divided into 4 types:
- Troubles that occur due to one’s own stupidity , carelessness, frivolity.
- Mistakes of the past, committed once upon a time, the inevitable retribution for which has not yet come.
- Mistakes that are understandable, but require strong-willed efforts to correct the situation.
- Errors that have complex, karmic causes and no obvious way to solve them. Correcting such errors on your own requires certain knowledge in the field of esotericism, so sometimes it is better to contact a competent specialist (Spiritual Healer) in these matters.
