- November 3, 2018
- Psychology of communication
- Anatoly Ivanov
In this article we'll look at why people don't make eye contact. There are several explanations for the origin of this phenomenon. A number of experts say that people who avoid direct eye contact are simply afraid of being caught in a lie. Other scientists believe it's a matter of fear that staring too closely will be seen as threatening or intrusive.
So what does the interlocutor’s reluctance to make eye contact during a conversation actually mean?
What should you focus on?
So, let's figure out why people don't make eye contact. If you constantly have to deal with such a feature of a person, an uncomfortable feeling appears during communication. It is not easy to have a conversation even on abstract topics. They look into such a person’s face, but he deliberately looks away. When addressing him, he looks at another part of the face (lips, chin) or, generally, to the side. If he happens to look straight into your eyes for a moment, he will immediately look away or even move away a little after such a moment, as if from an electric shock.
This feature, however, can have completely different explanations. To better understand the origin of the phenomenon when some people cannot look people in the eye, you need to pay attention to the following points:
- does a person look away when communicating with other people, or does this only apply to you;
- is this feature due to the topic of the conversation (work, personal life, gossip, etc.);
- what can make him look straight into his eyes for a while (anger, distrust, fear, laughter, surprise);
- does such a habit depend on his gender (for example, a person communicates normally with representatives of his own sex, but averts his eyes with those of the opposite sex and vice versa);
- Is such a person generally characterized by reticence, or is he quite sociable?
Catch your eye
Guys try to look at girls subtly when they think you can't see it. If you can catch his eye when you look back, that's a good sign. More confident guys hold eye contact longer. If you want to check if he is interested in you, try this: look at his face for 3-4 seconds and then look away. Look back in a second. If your views intersect, then he is definitely interested in you. Remember that there are also shy guys who are embarrassed to make contact first, but if he really likes you, he will continue to look at you. When you are in a group and he jokes, in moments when everyone is laughing, his eyes will constantly check if you are laughing. This is a clear sign that he wants to impress.
Possible reasons
Why people don’t make eye contact is interesting to many. There may be the following reasons for this phenomenon:
- The person feels sympathy for you and is very embarrassed by the realization of this fact. He tries with all his might to hide his feelings or wants to show them, but, in general, has no idea how to do this. He gets hot when you address him, his legs become weak, his answers are indistinct and confused, and he is angry with himself for this. The eyes are averted intuitively, because due to a direct gaze, the poor fellow will be completely unsettled.
- You are an extremely unpleasant person. In some cases, such strong hostility appears without any reason for it. I just don’t like the person at all, everything about him is repulsive. In this case, you can see that avoiding direct gaze is not the only feature of communicating with him. Because he, in principle, tries to avoid communication, ignores the presence of an unwanted interlocutor, never addresses him himself, only responding to an appeal, and then does so reluctantly. Why is a person afraid to look into the eyes?
- The person doesn't trust you. By averting his eyes, the interlocutor seeks to hide his emotions, feelings and thoughts; he does not want anyone to guess about them. In such a case, however, a certain degree of mistrust will be shown towards someone else. Secrecy, as a rule, is not an individual trait: you either don’t have it, or you have it.
- The person feels embarrassed in your presence. This can be observed when, for example, a person is in a new company and has not yet gotten used to it. Or your eccentricity, assertiveness, openness and impulsiveness are so dissonant with his shyness and modesty that when you appear, he subconsciously tries to shrink into a ball, avoiding direct gaze.
Many people often complain: “I can’t look my interlocutor in the eyes.” What does this mean according to scientists?
What does it mean if a guy hides his eyes or looks away?
- He believes in omens!
Your brown eyes scare him. They are beautiful. However, their color “drags” into the abyss of superstition... Read more about the meaning of “brown eyes” on the Internet.
- The guy is embarrassed to look into your eyes
And not only for you! To everyone - to all people in the world. Well, that's his peculiarity. What can you do here? In principle, everything can still change…. Our lives are “filled” with surprises and surprises.
- This person likes you!
And he is afraid that you will notice a “reflection of sympathy” in the carelessness of his views.
- The boy apparently fell in love with you to the point of complete madness!
He cannot admit this, because “non-reciprocity” scares him.
- The young man is hiding something from you
He wants to hide this “something” further. Trying to do everything for this! And of course he avoids your gaze...
- The boy believes that eyes are the mirror of the soul
To be honest... He does not want to let you into the depths of his own soul.
- Your “hero” is preparing a surprise for you!
He knows that he may not be able to stand it and tell him what the surprise is and what it is. Eyes can give away a lot and many!
- The boy is cheating on you
Lies at every turn. He will not survive separations and partings. So he uses lies (for his own good)!
- He doesn't take you seriously
There are no feelings in him (in relation to your person).
- He's too complex
This acquaintance of yours (friend, admirer, loved one) is too complex a person. And it is incredibly difficult for him to overcome at least one of his “shortcomings.”
- Some medical problems...
He suffers from squint or has poor eyesight. The guy dreams that you won’t notice this! He's scared of your reaction.
- The guy is afraid of his own actions
He is sure that as soon as your eyes “cross” in a web of glances, he will immediately hug and kiss you!
- Avoiding gaze? - He's just tired of you!
He is tired of your annoying and constant attention. Remember: men do not like and do not accept annoying people!
- His eyes hurt
He experiences discomfort in the eye area. Unfortunately, this also happens!
- He wants to confess his love to you
He thinks about how best to do this. I decided not to look into your eyes for now, so as not to go crazy with passion (before the “allotted” time).
- The boy is to blame for something in front of you
He fully admits his guilt, but does not dare to speak out on this matter.
- A person really puts himself above others!
He believes that looking “eye to eye” will bring him down and humiliate him.
- He's thrilled by your beauty
This means your beauty is so dazzling that a guy can’t keep his eyes on yours.
main reason
The guy is a Virgin!!!
Beauty is a terrible power! Be proud that you are lucky to have such a gorgeous appearance!
Research by Japanese scientists
Japanese scientists from Kyoto University conducted a study that showed that when making eye contact, a person is distracted and cannot direct his thoughts to something other than the topic of the conversation. This means that many people avoid making eye contact during dialogue in order to avoid overloading their brain unnecessarily.
Experts also remind that the effect of eye contact on the brain was previously established in another study, when Italian scientists found that sometimes people who were asked to look into someone's eyes for ten minutes began to hallucinate after a while.
Flirting triangle
A smile, a wink, a long look straight into the eyes... Such behavior is regarded in modern society as an attempt at flirting. Many of us probably avoid prolonged eye contact for this very reason. What if a person thinks something wrong?
Communication consultant Susan Rabin confirms this stereotype in her book 101 Ways to Flirt: Long eye contact is extremely important for flirting, with men and women using different "techniques." If representatives of the stronger half of humanity prefer a direct gaze, which they at a subconscious level consider to be a manifestation of strength and courage, then women “slide” their gaze along the so-called “flirting triangle”: the lady first visually examines the entire “object”, if the “test” is passed by the subject successfully, the gaze “rests” on the eyes.
Explanation from the perspective of neurolinguistics
Neurolinguists also offer their own version of why a person does not make eye contact. In their opinion, such behavior depends on what kind of thinking he has. Thus, visual learners use visual images, and it is important for them to focus on the eyes in order to “read” missing information. Auditory learners focus on sounds. And therefore, most likely, they will listen to the intonation and timbre of the voice, looking to the side. Kinesthetics, based on tactile sensations and intuition, try to touch a person during communication, shake hands, hug, and look down at the same time.
Just don't take your eyes off...
There is an opinion that only a person with a strong character can withstand someone else’s gaze and not look away. “And there was no person in the Universe who could withstand Solomon’s gaze without lowering his eyes!” writes Alexander Kuprin about the wise King Solomon in the story “Shulamith.”
People on a subconscious level obey someone's inner personal power. We can say that we were convinced, persuaded, out-argued, but in fact we were influenced by the psychological power of another person. And most clearly it manifests itself in his firm gaze. This look is also called magnetic, hypnotic. Its owner can influence and manipulate people.
Some representatives of the animal world, such as tigers, are measured by the power of their gaze. So they find out who has more rights to the best place in the sun. The one who first averted his eyes lost, which means he must give in.
The same thing happens in human society: someone who hides his eyes or looks away in a conflict situation will be considered a weakling, which means he will have no chance of winning. A person with a shifting gaze also makes a pitiful impression. “A slippery guy,” they will say about him and would prefer not to deal with him. A person who does not know how to “keep an eye” is unlikely to be sent to serious business negotiations, because they are negotiating with a strong person. The weak are ordered and conditions are dictated.
But we should not forget about moderation. Staring for a long time can drive some people to neurosis. And being too persistent means suspecting your interlocutor of unseemly intentions. If we suddenly notice that the interlocutor is uncomfortable under our gaze, perhaps he is too heavy, prickly, and unfriendly.
According to psychologists, it is enough to look into the eyes approximately 70% of the time of communication.
In some countries, such as Muslim countries, it is considered indecent for a woman to look into the eyes of a man or an elderly person. This is regarded as a sign of disrespect.
Is the person lying?
There is such an established stereotype: a person cannot look his interlocutor in the eyes while lying. But British psychologists from the University of Portsmouth are convinced that everything is happening quite the opposite. When a person tells a lie, he wants to make sure that it is really accepted by the interlocutor, and therefore he continuously watches his emotions and looks intently into his eyes.
From my life…
I'll tell you a story...
It happened specifically to me. In short, I started dating a good man. He was so positive that he shocked everyone! The little man had one - the only "minus"... He never looked people in the eyes! He did everything to successfully avoid the “flow” consisting of human views.
It's time to introduce him to my mommy. She was really looking forward to this meeting! Tigran came with a cake and a bouquet of flowers. He was gallant and smiling. My mother took a liking to my man immediately. I breathed a sigh of relief, but... In vain! The guest has left. And my mother lectured me for a long time about how disgusting that moment is when you don’t feel the oncoming gaze during a conversation. Tigran ruined his impression of himself once and for all. And the interesting fact that my mother and him, as it turned out, once worked together did not save the situation.
I knew that nothing could be fixed. I received the answer to my question spontaneously. The man himself started this conversation (which I thought about throughout the evening and morning). He admitted that my mother reminded him of his own mother... Who died several years ago from a terrible disease. I didn't bother to find out in more detail. It was already hard for Tigran.
A few weeks later I asked about the other people. After all, he practically didn’t look other people in the eye! My beloved was silent for a long time, but decided to be frank with me. He admitted that he robbed a jewelry store many years ago. His family members lived very poorly. Dad drank. Mom died. The brothers and sisters moved away. He was left alone. But everyone wants to eat! So he committed a crime in order to buy at least a piece of bread.
My beloved was imprisoned. Released early (for excellent behavior). He still feels guilty before every person! He was so ashamed that he began to develop complexes. I sincerely forgave Tigran. Thank God that he realized and understood his mistake. He assures me that this will never happen again. I know that he is not deceiving me!
My reaction was negative. But the “negativity” rather came out of surprise. Little Tiger didn’t tell me anything because he was afraid that I would leave him. No! I wouldn't be able to do this... I fell in love with a person too much. And I’m not ready to leave him just because he stumbled in the distant past. It remains to be seen how I would behave if I were in his place. The man of my dreams did not kill anyone, did not insult anyone. And I'm very happy about it! Because love has won! And I won with her. I will live and love to continue to conquer all the bad!
Psychologists' opinions
If a person avoids looking directly into the eyes of his interlocutor, then he has a specific reason for this. Before you look for a solution to such a problem, you need to make sure that you really want it. For example, if a person experiences strong hostility, it may be worthwhile to increase the distance as much as possible to avoid unpleasant situations in the future. In all other cases, you can find a solution to why a person avoids making eye contact
Sometimes it's enough to just wait a little. Once the person gets to know you better and gets used to it, perhaps such awkwardness will disappear on its own. In this case, you need to show tact and patience, give him the opportunity to open up on his own. Usually, openness, sincerity and a kind attitude sooner or later melt even the coldest communication. When a person is in love with you, you need to at least somehow hint at reciprocity, otherwise he may never dare to take the first step. We looked at why people don't make eye contact.
The worst mistakes girls make
Girls, in their desire to be liked, do reckless things:
- They pretend. Insincerity is noticeable and unpleasant. Avoid this.
- They look cheap. Bright makeup and oversized items give the look a shabby look.
- They don't take care of themselves. Lack of hygiene, disregard for clothes and the body are not beautiful.
- They parody a popular friend. Copying looks funny and repulsive.
If guys don’t look at you on the street, this does not mean a lack of attention, because some men are simply embarrassed to openly look at unfamiliar girls. Try to always look good and feel confident, otherwise the situation will definitely improve.
The importance of eye contact
Why does eye contact have such a dramatic effect on how others perceive us? There are 4 main reasons:
1. Our eyes are designed to communicate.
It's easy to understand why the eyes attract so much attention: they are freely moving balls located on a motionless face. Eyeballs are really weird when you think about them that way, aren't they?
Figuratively speaking, in the eye, the irises and pupils float on a bright white canvas. Have you ever thought that none of the animals have white eyeballs?
The white colors of our eyeballs make it very easy for others to recognize what we are looking at and notice when our attention changes direction.
For example, monkeys tend to turn their gaze in the direction that their head is moving, but humans are more likely to follow objects no matter which way their head is tilted.
Anthropologists believe that the unique human eye evolved to help us achieve higher levels of interaction with others, survive and build civilization.
All this suggests that our eyes are “created” not only for perceiving the world, but also for interacting with people around us.
2. The eyes reveal our thoughts and feelings.
You've probably heard the old expression: “The eyes are the window to the soul.” This may not be literally true, but the eyes do tell a lot about our thoughts and feelings.
Think about the expressions related to eyes that are present in our language. We are afraid of “shifty eyes”, and we are afraid that we will be “jinxed”. We are attracted to people who have “kind eyes” and eyes that “sparkle,” “glow,” or “shimmer,” and we are repulsed by those who are “dead behind the eyes.”
Love stories in fiction and in real life very often begin with a game of glances. Someone even said that a man can measure his love for a woman by his ability to see his future children in her eyes!
The fact that we believe so much in the idea that we can read someone by their gaze is due to the fact that when we ourselves are hiding something, we cannot control our eyes. This is why poker players often wear sunglasses to mask their reactions.
The human tendency to look into the eyes to decipher a person's thoughts and feelings begins at a very early age. Around 9–12 months, children begin to look their parents in the eyes to understand what they are trying to convey when their actions are ambiguous.
And we continue to do this until the end of our days.
We also place great importance on eye contact in conversations because it is a form of simultaneous communication. Unlike words, glances can be exchanged simultaneously.
3. Eye contact indicates attention.
Sociologists say that all people crave attention.
This hunger for attention can manifest itself in things like “conversational narcissism.” And if you read our article on narcissists , you will learn in detail how they behave in relationships.
Trying to concentrate
Psychologists Fiona Phelps and Gwyneth Doherty Sneddon in their work “Gaze-Disgust” tried to determine the dependence of the duration of the gaze on the method of obtaining information and the level of its complexity. They conducted an experiment in which two groups of 8-year-old children were asked easy and difficult questions, with the former receiving information face-to-face and the latter through a video monitor.
It turned out that the more complex the question, the more often the child looked away in an attempt to concentrate and find the answer. It is interesting that a similar situation was observed more often in groups where the dialogue was built face to face.
Lie
It can be assumed that the person does not want his interlocutor to guess about his true emotions or intentions, and is trying to hide any information. As a rule, if a person is lying, then in addition to the lack of eye contact with him, there may be such signs as:
1) attempts to avoid the topic of conversation, discussion of unnecessary details
2) pallor or redness of the face
3) touching the nose or lips
4) tense facial expression and posture
5) fast and confused speech.
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It should be noted that a person who behaves this way is not necessarily lying. He may simply not want to tell his interlocutor anything. For example, try to hide your negative emotions - envy, condemnation, indifference.
