Why do we get irritated by some people for no reason? Carl Jung's wise answer

A mirror of ourselves

Experts explain that a negative attitude towards someone for no apparent reason is closely related to what is happening inside the person himself. The fact is that there are very few people who like themselves one hundred percent. Some people are dissatisfied with acne on their face, some with excess weight, some with not very slender legs.

And when a person is fixated on his shortcomings - real or imaginary, he rejects part of himself. And this internal conflict with the unloved part of oneself is taken out on the “innocent victims.” For example, a girl who dreams of an ideal figure of 50 kg and weighs 60 kg will have a negative attitude towards all fat women who meet on her way. We can also be very angry at a person who is too flighty or unpunctual, which may indicate that we, too, are not without similar shortcomings.

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According to psychologists, it is also human nature to hate people whose lives personify their fears, weaknesses and problems. For example, homeless people or alcoholics. They are afraid of being in their place, and perhaps in their souls they have a tendency towards parasitism or alcoholism.

Why we don’t like some people so much, even if we don’t really know them

Here's why this can happen.

Because of a bad first impression

To compose it, we only need 1. J. Willis, A. Todorov. First impressions: making up your mind after a 100‑ms exposure to a face / Psychological science 2. A. Todorov, CY Olivola, R. Dotsch et al. Social Attributions from Faces: Determinants, Consequences, Accuracy, and Functional Significance / Annual Review of Psychology from half a second to four hundredths. Of course, an opinion that has arisen in such a short time may turn out to be erroneous. For example, it is unlikely that it will be possible to objectively determine whether a person is kind or evil based on appearance. In this case, the initial sensations have N. Klein, E. O'Brien. The Tipping Point of Moral Change: When Do Good and Bad Acts Make Good and Bad Actors? / Social Cognition is of great importance to us, and it is not easy to forget about them.

As they consider R. Dotsch, R. Hassin, A. Todorov. Statistical learning shapes face evaluation / Nature Human Behavior psychologists from the Netherlands, Israel and the USA, we make our first impression based on past experience. For example, if someone looks like our long-time offender, then he will be unpleasant just by his appearance. The opposite also happens: because of appearance, we can expect too much from a person, and then be upset when he does not live up to expectations.

Not only the visual image influences the first impression. For example, it is known R. Matthew Montoya, R. S. Horton, J. Kirchner. Is actual similarity necessary for attraction? A meta‑analysis of actual and perceived similarity / Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, that we prefer people with similar views. We automatically classify them as “good”. And vice versa, everything that seems strange, unknown, incomprehensible and alien to us, including in the behavior of other people, causes rejection. For example, a closed person may be annoyed by an interlocutor who is ready to share details of his personal life with everyone.

Because we see in them a reflection of our own shortcomings

It happens that people unconsciously suppress certain qualities in themselves and repress them. For example, because they consider them unacceptable or shameful. However, the features still remain E. Yang, J. Brascamp, M‑S. Kang et al. On the use of continuous flash suppression for the study of visual processing outside of awareness / Frontiers in Psychology is part of these people's personality and attracts them. As a result, unconscious envy appears towards those who openly demonstrate such aspects of their character.

Sometimes it's even simpler. Strong hostility is caused by those behavioral features that people do not like in themselves and want to eradicate. A critical attitude towards one’s own shortcomings is transmitted to the negative qualities of another person and inflates them. Thus, a person who is often late himself becomes very irritated when someone else makes him wait.

Due to excessive sensitivity

Some behavioral patterns, most often unconscious, can actually cause suffering. Sensitive people will react strongly to unpleasant sounds such as sniffing, lip smacking, or cracking fingers. It’s not just unpleasant for them, but physically difficult to bear. This is called A. Schröder, G. van Wingen, N. Eijsker et al. Misophonia is associated with altered brain activity in the auditory cortex and salience network / Scientific Reports intolerance to certain sounds, or misophonia.

Due to the behavior of the person himself

The reason for your irritability may also lie in who is causing it. People often provoke negative reactions themselves.

They can behave rudely, disrupt order and discipline, constantly interfere or distract from an important task for the sake of useless chatter. It is quite natural that such behavior will cause discontent among others.

Unconscious feelings of envy

And some people are annoyed by women with “low social responsibility” or those girls who show themselves too openly on the Internet. What does this mean? It’s not at all about the fact that the person they infuriate is at heart inclined to “easy behavior.”

The point is that she is envious of the relaxedness inherent in these women. And perhaps they are jealous of the benefits that they get easily. Such irritation can also apply to the closest people, who in some ways are much superior to the person.

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What else causes causeless irritability?

Sometimes she may talk about problems with mental and physical health. For example, when you are annoyed by everyone and there is no reason for it.

Due to stress or depression

Irritability is one of the symptoms of stressStress / NHS and depressionSymptoms - Clinical depression / NHS. Their presence is also indicated by a number of other signs:

• dizziness, headaches, chest, stomach and muscle pain, rapid heartbeat;
• constant bad mood and feeling tired;
• problems with concentration, forgetfulness;
• depression or anxiety;
• low self-esteem and motivation;
• excessive or insufficient appetite;
• insomnia or drowsiness;
• active use of alcohol and tobacco;
• thoughts of suicide or self-harm;
• loss of libido.

Irritability is not the worst consequence of stress and depression. They can seriously undermine mental or physical health.

Due to lack of sleep

A person may not get enough sleep due to poor sleep patterns or sleep disorders, such as insomnia or apnea. The lack of proper rest will directly impact Why lack of sleep is bad for your health / NHS on your mood: it is unlikely that a sleep-deprived person will be happy with a talkative neighbor or a diligent intern who came with a bunch of questions early in the morning.

Due to low blood sugar

Sometimes irritability manifests itself as Low blood sugar (hypoglycaemia) / NHS with hypoglycemia - low blood sugar. In this case, the following symptoms are also observed:

• sweating;
• feeling tired, weak;
• dizziness;
• tingling in the lips;
• shiver;
• cardiopalmus;
• pallor;
• blurred vision;
• Gaps in consciousness and difficulty concentrating;
• slurred speech, clumsiness, drunken behavior;
• seizures, fainting.

Due to hormonal disorders

Irritability can be caused by fluctuations in the levels of various hormones. Since they control the processes in our body, such changes can greatly influence people’s behavior.

For example, in men, irritability can be caused by a decrease in Low Testosterone (Male Hypogonadism) / Cleveland Clinic testosterone levels, and in women - hormonal fluctuations PMS (premenstrual syndrome) / NHS with premenstrual syndrome.

Energy mismatch

It is believed that for some people the biofield surrounding them is primarily aimed at giving out energy, while for others it is primarily aimed at receiving it. Some people like to do something nice for others, while others demand it for themselves. Some have a stormy temperament, others are surprisingly calm. Some quickly forgive insults, others carry them with them for many years. In this regard, psychologists believe that these differences may be the cause of hostility that does not lie on the surface.

Unreliability

Many of us are greatly annoyed by people we cannot rely on. He promised - he didn’t deliver, they agreed - he didn’t come, if you counted on him - you let him down... Usually such people do not refuse the proposed instructions and easily respond to requests, but do not fulfill what they promised. Which is very annoying.

Competent actions here are very similar to those recommended in relation to deceivers (failure to fulfill what was promised, in fact, is also deception). The person failed once, twice... That's it. We don't count on him anymore. We don’t trust him to carry out important tasks. We do not rely on it in various life situations.

This may be the sweetest and smartest person with whom it is interesting to communicate - so we continue to communicate! Why not? But we don’t expect from him what is not characteristic of him in principle. Understanding this successfully protects us from the emergence of negative emotions towards a given person.

Refusal to comply

There are powerful people who strive to subjugate those around them and exercise control over them. It is not surprising that they are irritated by freedom-loving individuals, whom they cannot manage in any way.

All the situations described are signals that people who are enraged by someone for a reason unknown to them have something to fight within themselves.

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Why people are annoying top 5 reasons

Why do people piss me off??

1. You just have your own stress and tension that you can't handle. You are in a weak vulnerable position. You are in a “psychological hole”. It just so happens that if we feel bad, then everything annoys us, especially people. You need to understand yourself and conduct a diagnosis. Find the answer to the question: What exactly am I experiencing at this moment in my life? Why do I have heavy emotions that I pour out on people?
2. Unconscious condemnation of one's own shortcomings. There is an opinion in psychology that we are unconsciously irritated in others by what we do not accept in ourselves. It is written about this in the Bible: we notice the speck in others, but we do not see the log in our own eyes. The issue is very controversial. Controversial not because the advice is nonsense. But because we REALLY don’t want to accept our own shortcomings. Well, or work on them. It has been noticed that in the process of psychotherapy, people have insights of exactly this nature. For example, a person may complain for a long time about the annoying selfishness of his spouse. Until, one day, he realizes that he himself is behaving selfishly no less, but even more! Coming to such discoveries in yourself is not an easy task. It requires enormous courage and maturation of oneself as an individual.
3. Unconscious struggle and competition (+fear of losing your current position) . This is one of the reasons why others get angry. Look around. There is a ruthless struggle for a place in the sun. For more favorable conditions. Here's to a sweeter piece of life's pie. Everyone who interferes with us in one way or another will invariably enrage and irritate us. These are the realities of our modern life with its bourgeois consumer content. Nowadays, the focus of human attention has shifted. If 100 years ago spiritual values ​​were more widespread. Well, now the values ​​have changed. Tear yourself more and better. Plus, you often want to make a “wow” impression on others. And in this struggle we are intolerant of those who interfere with us.
4. You are self-centered. That is, they are not tolerant of people. And even more precisely, your expectations from people do not correspond to reality. Above I talked about an experiment with a doll. A self-centered immature child does not understand and does not accept the fact that the doll sees differently. It is necessary to understand that our own expectations are about us. And not about people.
5. The person is truly violating your boundaries. And our task in this case will be to learn to defend our borders.

How to stop experiencing unreasonable irritation

To achieve harmony with yourself, without getting hung up on irritation with other people, psychologists recommend not to forget about the following important things:

• None of us are perfect. Each person has his own shortcomings, and they will irritate at least someone. It follows that others need to be perceived more leniently.
• You should work on eliminating your own shortcomings, but at the same time do not remind yourself every day of the mistakes you made earlier.
• It is advisable to acquire new knowledge and skills to become the best version of yourself.

And then the focus of your attention will shift from negative to positive.

How to deal with irritability

There are several ways to prevent it or deal with the consequences.

Watch your health

When a person is physically healthy, his mental state also stabilizes, which means he is less irritable. Here are some basic tips to help you live a healthier lifestyle:

1. Eat right. This may improve Eat well/NHS mood in general and reduce irritability in particular. Try to diversify your menu and eat less fast food, sweets and fatty foods.
2. Get a good night's sleep. SleepSleep tips: 6 steps to better sleep / Mayo Clinic at least 7-8 hours a day. Go to bed at the same time and try to sleep at night.
3. Play sports or just move more. It has been proven by Physical activity / World Health Organization that it improves physical and mental health. Find an activity that you enjoy and regularly devote at least two and a half hours a week to it.

Identify the reasons for your irritation and work through them

Most often they lie within ourselves, because people most likely do not try. Knight. How to Develop Empathy for Someone Who Annoys You / Harvard Business Review intentionally annoys others.

You will have to work hard and learn to control your negative emotions. Irritation and anger distract us and prevent us from understanding the reason for what is happening. Breathing practices help you calm down quickly.

When a wave of indignation hits you, try R. Knight. How to Develop Empathy for Someone Who Annoys You / Harvard Business Review start breathing slowly and deeply. Try to concentrate on this. You can also try holding your breath for a short time or counting your breaths. This will help you look at the situation more calmly and find the true source of your anger.

Contact a specialist

If you can’t work out the reasons for your irritability on your own and learn to control it, you should go to a psychologist or psychotherapist. It doesn't hurt to do the same if you're showing signs of stress or depression.

If you have trouble sleeping or notice symptoms of hypoglycemia or hormonal imbalance, visit your GP. He will prescribe additional tests for you or refer you to the appropriate specialist.

There can be only two exceptions:

1. When a woman is constantly in a state of romantic love that obscures her eyes. As a rule, this is the merit of a wise man, or their love really turned out to be the same one sung in books, films, and poems.
2. When a woman initially soberly assesses reality - and has come to terms with the shortcomings of her loved one in advance. That is, she accepted him as he is.

In all other cases, reality comes to a woman like an insult to a child who, instead of candy, is quietly slipped into his mouth with a piece of “healthy kohlrabi.”

What to do to avoid getting irritated

First you need to understand the source of irritation and reduce it to a minimum. For clarity, let's look at a couple of examples:

1. Dasha is a financially literate person. She calculates all her expenses a month in advance and never deviates from her financial plan, although the temptations are great. She has a friend who recently got a good job and can afford unplanned expenses. This annoys Dasha, because how is it possible to spend money without confidence in “tomorrow”.
2. Mikhail recently got married. And his wife and parents moved into his once cozy bachelor pad. He loves his wife, and her parents are the nicest people. But lately all this crowd in the house began to irritate him, because he was used to freedom and silence in his own home. And now his personal freedom is severely limited.

In the first case, Dasha cannot tolerate a habit that she does not allow herself. Although, even from a moral point of view, counting other people's money is not the most noble thing. She should realize this and not meddle in her friend’s personal affairs.

In the second case, Mikhail, as a “free male,” became a hostage in his own apartment. He should get used to the new environment and go out more for walks with friends or colleagues to change the contrast.

In general, bad emotions should be released in small portions, and if they accumulate, consult a psychologist. You can release emotions well in various sections. Active physical activity promotes good discharge without negative consequences. A beautiful body and good health will come as a bonus.

To summarize, irritation from loved ones often hides deeper reasons than it seems at first glance. To solve them, analyze the source of irritation and understand how best to deal with it. Sometimes it's compromise, sometimes it's direct conversation, and sometimes it's rethinking some aspects of life.

You think too highly of yourself

One of the most annoying things we encounter very often is when someone tries to flaunt their knowledge. If a person inserts a lot of complex terms and references into a speech that are unfamiliar to those present, it can be unpleasant. He expects to make an impression, and he does - but what kind? Albert Einstein said a wise thing: “If you can’t explain something to a six-year-old, you don’t understand it yourself.” You shouldn’t think that others won’t notice if you consider yourself smarter, more successful or more beautiful than them. Fortunately or unfortunately, such things are “read” by most people even subconsciously and are very repulsive. Therefore, you will have to carefully control your behavior or reconsider your way of thinking.

Analyze your irritation.

• Do everyday little things and suddenly revealed unpleasant habits of your loved one irritate you? Slurping and an open tube of pasta, a bag of garbage forgotten at home, bananas that he did not buy according to the list, the sound of a spoon in a cup, walking around the apartment in boots, and so on.
• Or have you become annoyed by his very presence in your life? His voice, gestures, smell, touch, laughter, thoughts, etc.?

If you recognize yourself in the second option, then you urgently need to sort out your family life, because your ship of love is rapidly flying to the reefs.

If your option is rather the first, then start looking for the causes of irritation... with yourself.

You talk too much about yourself.

It is clear that your life, your projects and life experiences are the most important thing for you personally, but comfortable communication implies the opportunity to talk about something abstract. Constantly turning the topic of conversation to yourself and your own affairs can terribly irritate those around you. Perhaps the interlocutor also has something to share, and this information will be useful. Train yourself to periodically ask about other people's opinions and experiences. This way you will not only become more pleasant to talk to, but also learn something new. Psychologists advise sticking to the 3/4 rule. Three quarters of your remarks can be general judgments or open questions, and only one quarter should be devoted to yourself and your feelings.

Arrogance and snobbery

Who likes an arrogant attitude? It is both depressing and annoying. And it doesn’t matter why the other person considers himself superior, what reasons he sees for this - in any case, snobbery causes a negative response. How to be?

In my opinion, the best solution is to ignore other people’s arrogance and continue to communicate as equals.

This does not imply familiarity - especially if your counterpart is, relatively speaking, “senior in rank.” We simply respect ourselves and others by default.

If you think about it, being angry with an arrogant person is generally stupid. After all, children sometimes boast and puff out their cheeks, but we don’t take offense at them...

Another question is that sometimes we mistake a person’s simple story about himself for arrogance and complacency. In a conversation with a successful person, envy and irritation may involuntarily arise. But instead of thinking about “what’s going on, here’s a smart guy,” it would be wiser to listen to what he’s talking about. His experience can be really useful to us.

Stupidity

If higher powers gifted someone with a brilliant mind, but (as it seems to us) saved money on someone else, is this really a reason for irritation? We understand this, but still, from time to time it seems to us that it is categorically impossible to be as stupid as this particular person. And we have no idea that we sometimes also greatly irritate other people with our irrationality - those who have been gifted with intelligence even greater than ours...)) At least they are sure of it...

That is, everything is very relative... By the way, it often happens that a person simply was not properly explained what he needed. And they are waiting for certain actions. And they get annoyed if he acts differently. This is where patience is needed. And tact. And a condescending attitude towards other people's mistakes. And the ability to put yourself in someone else's place. All this together quickly neutralizes any manifestation of negativity.

You're trying too hard to please everyone

Such people are always suspected of insincerity and the desire to use others for their own purposes. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be liked, but you'll never be able to please everyone you meet, and not everyone will want to network.

When a person learns and tries to change his social behavior, it takes time. It can be very useful to reflect on why he does it this way and not otherwise. Each of us has our own set of habits that irritate other people, and understanding the reasons becomes the key to positive change.

Tactlessness

But here the situation is just the opposite. Not everyone will agree with me, but I believe that communication with insensitive people should be kept to a minimum. These may be responsible, reliable people who will not let you down in a difficult situation, but communicating with them is sheer torment. They mind their own business, forget about delicacy, ask tactless questions - and wait with interest for answers. And they are completely unaware that their interest in this case is inappropriate.

So what? They are simple, sincere people. What they think is what they say... More often than not, we get embarrassed and don’t find what to say. We feel awkward and irritated. In fact, a simple and intelligible phrase: “I would not like to talk about it (discuss it)” is the most obvious and correct solution. It is clear and unambiguous...

But often followed by equally insensitive questions on related or other topics. This is why I suggest reducing communication with tactless people to a minimum, and if this is not possible (with the same boss!) - always keeping a polite distance.