The definition of love and what kind of feeling it is (in psychology) still has very blurred boundaries. Many people surround us, some we are indifferent to, others arouse sympathy, affection, annoyance or even hatred, and there can be many objects. But only at the sight of one person does the spirit freeze and “spread its wings.” Emotional excitement smoothly turns into attachment and further, causing a response not only on the emotional, but also on the physical level, deeply affecting the biochemistry of the body, expressed in the accelerated production of serotonin, the hormone of happiness.
What is the feeling of love from a psychological point of view?
Surprising and unique, it can lift you to the skies and throw you into the abyss of despair and doubt about your partner’s answer. Scientists tried to understand it, philosophers tried to classify it, and poets tried to glorify it. Elusive and at the same time quite tangible, it does not fit into the framework of dry interpretations. In order to somehow bring all the statements to a common denominator and organize knowledge about the subject, it was decided to focus on the form of manifestation and the conditions of occurrence, taking into account whether it manifests itself to family members or is directed at a stranger.
What is love and what is the definition of the concept in psychology? This is a feeling that is expressed by a feeling of deep affection, aspiration, and placing the desires of another above one’s own. You also need to remember that it has such signs as:
- attraction;
- respect;
- change of priorities in favor of the object of interest;
- desire to provide any type of assistance;
- guardianship and care.
Disputes about the origins and forms continue to this day. The truth has not been found in the question of whether love deprives free will or whether everything happens with full awareness of the process. There are no age limits either.
Social psychoanalytic point of view
Exploring the mysterious feeling from different angles, many authors of scientific works understand that, in principle, it defies categories and classification. However, during the long debate about love psychology, 3 types were identified:
- pragmatic, which prevails in successful marriages “of convenience” and based on mutual respect and understanding;
- mania, in which the leading role is played by passion and jealousy, possessiveness and subconscious anticipation of future problems, which adds urgency and is an integral part of the experience;
- agape or selfless service to the object of adoration, while one’s own desires are relegated to the background, but recognition and admiration for this version of events are expected from the partner.
I always clarify that these varieties are almost never found in their pure form, just like the types of temperament. In most cases, they are combined with a predominance of one of the directions.
Analytical psychology about love and relationships
A huge number of stereotypes have been created in this area, most of which were created by those who suffered a crushing defeat and did not receive reciprocation. From the point of view of the German psychologist Erich Fromm, there are 2 varieties:
- according to the principle of being, which is characterized by the manifestation of interest, care, relates to creative feelings and fills the spiritual world with new meaning, and extends to both people and objects;
- possession, born in the abyss of passion, but short-lived and destructive, suppressing the partner.
The first option is inherent in self-sufficient, strong individuals who are able to take responsibility for their chosen one, share strength and confidence, and warmth. They are sure that love is a feeling that does not tolerate coercion. The second type is typical for unstable, neurotic people who are accustomed to dominate and demand unquestioning submission. At the same time, transformation in a positive direction is possible, but only when mutual understanding is achieved and the desire to change for a loved one.
To create harmony, you will need a multi-stage relationship building, supported by efforts on both sides. What is required is mutual support, a willingness to listen and try to understand, and a desire to jointly find a way out of difficult situations.
How components change over time
At the beginning of a relationship, when you are just getting to know each other, intimacy increases, but at a certain point it reaches a plateau. This is inevitable, so for all couples at this point the question arises: will they be able to restore intimacy to the previous level, or are they satisfied with the current level?
Passion, like intimacy, grows at the beginning of a relationship. It acts as motivation, so over time, like any other motivation, it fades away. It is also possible to view passion as an addiction, which becomes increasingly difficult to satisfy over time: if at first one cup of coffee invigorates and gives you strength, then over time you will need two cups of coffee to achieve this effect.
Changes over time are characteristic not only for the components of love, but also for some of its attributes. Over time, the importance of:
- exchange of values;
- desire to change in response to partner requests;
- willingness to tolerate each other's shortcomings;
- similarity of religious beliefs.
In turn, interest in each other decreases, the importance of communication with the partner’s parents decreases, and partners are less likely to listen carefully to each other.
Love, passion (infatuation), romance
In the early stages of a relationship, it is very difficult to separate emotions into components. The explosive mixture included hormonal surges, loud words, spiritual impulses and a huge amount of imagination, idealizing the object of interest. No one can predict the duration, but as the famous French joke said, if you cannot influence the process, then relax and have fun.
Psychologist Daria Milai
Make an appointment
The ideal ratio for a long-term relationship consists of approximately equal parts of love with the characteristic features of care and guardianship, which allows you not to notice your partner’s shortcomings or put up with them, classifying them as cute eccentricities.
Falling in love together with affection form romantic feelings that are possible even on a platonic level.
Involvement in relationships
If a person is truly involved in a relationship, then he makes efforts to maintain and develop it. This is reflected in intimacy, passion and commitment, so using the love triangle we can measure commitment in a relationship.
When a person is involved in a relationship, all the components of love are in the desired places: intimacy, passion and commitment are at the right level, so a triangle is formed in the desired shape.
Ideal Engagement
It is possible that a person lacks intimacy, passion, or is not satisfied with commitment. There is a desire to get more than you currently have - this is typical for insufficient involvement.
Lack of engagement
In a situation of excessive involvement, on the contrary, you get much more than you need, so such relationships begin to depress and frighten you.
Overinvolvement
Also, the shape of the triangle may not match the shape you would like to achieve. This happens when the desires and interests of partners do not coincide. For example, there may be a lot of passion in a relationship, but there is a need for intimacy.
Wrong involvement
Difference from passion
Reflecting on the difference between these sensations, I subscribe to the opinion that it is the first that gives mutual growth and the desire for perfection, the creation of a more interesting and spiritual part of oneself. It does not limit freedom, opening new horizons and inner strength.
The central place is occupied by the object of adoration; all aspirations are aimed at satisfying his desires. It is the personality that becomes important, and appearance, clothing style and demeanor are relegated to secondary roles. The basis for a long-lasting union in this case is mutual understanding, sensitivity to the thoughts and point of view of the partner, openness and complete trust.
Love gives additional support, bends under the pressure of circumstances, but does not break, raising relationships to a new stage of development.
Passion has some opposite aspects. It flares up quickly, but goes out as interest wanes. Dictates conditions and drives you into the framework of expectations, depriving you of freedom and emancipation. The fear of not living up to the fictitious image forces you to wear a mask and you can forget about frankness. The basis rests on external attractiveness at the physiological level. Once it disappears or is replaced, there is no reason to spend time together.
The concept of love includes the aspect of selflessness and attention to the object of feelings; passion is selfish and pursues, first of all, its own interests.
But for long-term warm relationships, a strong foundation of a family, both components are necessary, establishing a kind of balance and flow of energy in both directions, giving and gratefully receiving attention, care and physiological pleasure.
Better the bitter truth than the sweet lie4
Dissatisfaction in ideal relationships arises from flaws in our character. We may be overly selfish or want someone to solve all our problems for us.
We carry many character flaws with us from the past to the present as an emotional burden.
In this way we learn to make compromises, give up fantastic expectations and accept reality as it is.
Problems are our teachers who teach us to find any way out of situations.
It is worth remembering that the state of happiness is more important than anything else. We seek justice at any cost; our opponent must admit that he is wrong. This is not right, let him remain with his opinion, and you with yours. The main thing is that you are together and this is happiness for both. And opinions can change at any moment.
We need to talk to each other more, only in this way can we find out the cause of the conflict, come to a common opinion and agreement.
You need to develop a calm manner of speaking so that you are heard and raise your voice only at a critical moment.
Ask questions correctly, getting to the core of the problem, have your own point of view and defend your desires, beliefs, values and self-restraints.
Love and mental health
There is a popular expression that says that he or she has “lost their head” over the object of their adoration. No one can determine how true the statement is, since there really is euphoria from the closeness of a partner, but the degree of intensity depends on the individual characteristics of the person. People surrounded by warmth are generous and magnanimous, self-confident and proactive. They get sick less and create a full-fledged family, sharing their inner energy with loved ones.
From infancy, everyone needs attention, warmth, affectionate touches. Maternal feelings are deep and selfless. They provide support, self-confidence, support and inspiration. Children who are “disliked” develop attention deficit disorder, an extreme manifestation of selfishness, sometimes turning into sadism towards others. They are unable to give because they themselves have not received enough. They develop an inferiority complex, a more pronounced state of depression, instability in the face of life's troubles.
What do famous psychologists say about the definition of the word 'Love'?
Sternberg: The results of combining the components of love
Sternberg believed that this feeling can carry an objective load in three semantic components: attraction, passion and responsibility towards oneself and the other half.
Ideal love is one in which all these components merge together, feelings become strong and flammable!
| Types of love | Intimacy | Passion | Responsibility |
| Sympathy | + | ||
| Passion | + | ||
| Imaginary feelings | + | ||
| Romance | + | + | |
| Friendship | + | + | |
| Blind feelings | + | + | |
| Perfect love | + | + | + |
What does E. Fromm say about the definition of love?
He considers love to be a momentary feeling that appears in moments of great joy; the motivation of feelings can be fear of loneliness, and in rare manifestations - sadism.
Love according to E. Fromm is similar to a commercial transaction, to love is to take and give to the fullest
, to open up, dedicate your secrets and let into your innermost world of love and experiences. Be strong, don’t let feelings go by themselves, control the process, no matter how paradoxical it may sound.
The first violent outbursts of emotions are replaced by brave and strong feelings that help keep the raft of love afloat, and not allow it to break on the rocks of enmity, hatred, constant quarrels and scandals.
A.V. Petrovsky argues differently
He describes love as external manifestations of feeling, accessible to everyone
. The way a person changes outwardly when a feeling of attachment to another appears, he renounces his previous life and begins to commit crazy actions. Love is conditioned by intimate attractions and presupposes sincerity and openness to each other.
If there is a lie, then this is not love, but the unscrupulous exploitation of someone else's trust, fraudulent actions, sometimes thoughtless. Feelings should be replaced by actions, but at the same time testify to the same thing. If I love, then it manifests itself in all relationships.
Love and physiology
If passion is considered as a tool for procreation, when short-term contact is enough, then this is not enough for long-term living together in happiness and well-being.
Face-to-face consultation
What are the features and advantages of face-to-face consultation?
Find out more
Skype consultation
What are the features and benefits of Skype consultations?
Find out more
Only the desire to constantly be nearby triggers a chain of chemical reactions, the main of which is the production of certain hormones:
- serotonin, which improves mood;
- oxytocin, which appears during physical contact;
- vasopressin, which creates attachment;
- dopamine, which creates pleasure from communication;
- norepinephrine, an increase in which can be recognized by rapid breathing and clammy palms.
In total, the desire to constantly experience pleasant sensations and attractive excitement leads to the formation of a long-term union and the need to be close to a partner.
Love is like a chemical reaction
Lovers like to be together, the production of various hormones is triggered, which lead to crazy actions, euphoria, insomnia, loss of appetite, and a change in the reality around.
Love makes you crazy
, the brain begins to produce excess amounts of dopamine, and a state of satisfaction appears. A person commits thoughtless actions and is sometimes unable to adequately evaluate the result obtained.
These “aggressive” hormones do not live for a long time, the phase of madness quickly ends, and love passes into another metamorphosis - affection, understanding, trust, unity, etc.
The desire to fall in love is not love. But the fear of falling in love is already love. Etienne Rey
The love hormone - oxytocin, plays a key role in the psychology of behavior of lovers, as they say, if you feel good, then I feel great! Love is the complete giving of oneself in exchange for the truth of the feelings of another.
This chemical element helps build relationships, binds families and friends with bonds of love, and helps curb the true feeling inside. Such a change in the psychology of behavior changes life for the better and creates a feeling of trust in others. This method can treat neurosis in patients.
Stages of love
No matter how strange it may sound, such an elevated feeling also goes through a series of transformations. Each stage has its own characteristics.
Love
The most romantic and exciting part. Characterized by intense passions, loss of critical thinking, and a search for similarities in various areas. The reason for this attitude is the production of a complex of hormones responsible for euphoria, cheerful mood and a feeling of happiness.
Saturation
The severity of emotions is gradually complemented by affection and the need to show care. Madness is replaced by warmth, interest in the outside world, professional achievements, communication with colleagues and friends returns. The boundaries are expanding again, but the beloved remains the center. To some this seems like a cooling off, but in reality it’s just a transition to a new level.
Disgust
Each person represents an entire universe with its own speed of rotation of the planets and laws of gravity. There will inevitably be a period when there will be a clash of interests. At this moment it will become clear what kind of feeling it is - love with its wisdom and forgiveness or uncompromising passion.
Humility
There comes objectivity in assessing a partner and acceptance of him with all his advantages and disadvantages. It helps to better understand the aspirations and desires of another, and gives an incentive to work on developing relationships.
Studying
A person is so multifaceted as a person that his inner world is a mystery, not to mention who is nearby. The time has come for discoveries and defining the boundaries of freedom, combining life rhythms.
Proximity
The degree of loyalty and trust increases, where individuality is more clearly manifested in unity. At this stage, a couple often decides to start a family.
Doubts
Typical for people who have lived nearby for more than 5-7 years. Achievements are analyzed, and the opinions of others become important. With harmonious relationships in the spiritual and intimate spheres, the period passes quickly and relatively painlessly. With urgent problems and mutual accusations, aggravation and rupture are possible.
Sexuality
Differences in preferences and changes in desires can lead to serious disagreements, affairs, and mutual cooling. I encourage my clients to find the initial spark by carefully fanning it into a searing fire. Unfortunately, there are no universal methods; for each couple I develop a unique program during a personal consultation.
Love
It is considered the crown of a relationship in which complete trust and mutual understanding are revealed. The danger lies in the loss of individuality when a partner is perceived as an extension of oneself. The most important thing during this period is respect and attention, constant care that does not turn into suffocating care.
The most important qualities of a man
- Responsibility is the ability to be responsible for one’s actions, family, to be a reliable life partner, to fulfill promises and obligations.
- Patience, calmness - patience, understanding - the keys that open any door, you need to learn to appreciate the important things in life and not lose your composure over trifles, even the loss of a fortune is not worth the loss of a loved one. Patience helps you gain the favor of your girlfriend.
- Sensitivity - attention to the worries and sorrows of a loved one is very important in a relationship with a woman who lives in her own emotional world and needs support.
- Confidence - the participation of a woman is useful for the development of this feeling; with constant doubts on her part, the partner loses confidence, and next to a calm, wise woman, he gains faith in his own strength.
- Determination - having plans and aspirations in life are a sign of a strong man.
Determination in moving towards goals is fascinating and makes a strong impression. Purposefulness should be in conquering a woman throughout life, attentiveness and gallantry are always pleasant.
Male psychology in love differs, first of all, in that a man’s life is aimed at the outside world, and love is a break from work and the worries of life, for a woman it is life. A man’s love for a woman in psychology is considered as a desire to possess and a desire to protect the woman he loves, Therefore, the stronger sex likes feminine girls who give the impression of needing a strong man, but relationships with a business woman are more difficult to build, and competition arises.
Often women have a question: do men know how to truly love? It all depends on the person, his understanding of love, his ability to express feelings, often men tend to prove love through actions and deeds, beautiful words are often spoken by ladies' men, it is worth observing a person to understand the true attitude - does he show care, does he strive to help, provide support?
It happens that women have the feeling that real feelings are more a feminine manifestation, and the male half likes to conquer and possess, they ask: “why don’t men know how to love?” Perhaps such girls have not met true love, when a woman is a queen, worthy of respect, recognition and care. How to determine whether there is love on the part of a man?
Male psychology in love and relationships has the following features:
- The male half is characterized by restraint in expressing feelings; if a partner does not shower you with compliments, this is not yet an indicator of a lack of love, you need to look deeper.
- All men have their own tastes and preferences in love, there is no single ideal, for every girl there is a betrothed in this world
- Most representatives of the stronger sex tend to appreciate such qualities in the fair half - a kind attitude, femininity in behavior, sexuality, a positive character and flexibility in behavior.
- Enamored.
- What attracts women is confidence, tenderness, intelligence, beauty, and self-esteem.
- The male half of the young man is always looking for ways to be close to the girl he loves, strives for meetings, and spends time together.
- Silence is a manifestation of character and is not associated with feelings; men find it difficult to combine thinking and talking; sometimes they need to be alone and resolve current issues.
- The male half likes to conquer women, accessible women do not evoke sincere feelings, and often become victims of Don Juans.
- Men are attracted to mysterious women who have a special charm, can maintain intrigue all their lives and not be read as a book.
- Men love calm relationships without constant quarrels and reproaches, they prefer to clearly understand the expectations of their partner, it is better to speak directly about their wishes, not to expect that their loved one will read his thoughts, this is not typical for men. They also need support, and a girl who is able to believe in them will the best and most devoted friend in life.
Thus, to the question “can men love?” — there are different answer options, girls determine their opinion based on life experience. Having delved into the essence, we understand: often feelings are stored quite deeply, which is not always clear, but what about “I love you”... Yes, this is important for girls, but a young man will not do something for the unloved, sacrifice interests, find time , solve problems.
A man, relationships, psychology, expression of love are the most popular questions among girls and women. How often there is a lack of understanding in the psychology of men, and everything is perceived from a woman’s point of view.
In the modern world, women have become more active, they often make their own choices, attract men, but there is no need to force events, a young man should feel like a conqueror, and hints at a wedding ahead of time are an encroachment on freedom, men value it very much, it is better to gradually lead to the desired idea . For example, when a desire arises to live together.
How to understand that you are loved
Not everyone is naturally gifted with eloquence. Much more can be learned from nonverbal cues. A wandering gaze, constantly returning to the object of admiration, increased concern for appearance, the desire to spend as much time together as possible clearly indicate a state of falling in love. These are often supplemented by a genuine interest in the dreams and preferences of the object of sympathy. Willingness to help and including you in long-term plans indicates stable, serious feelings.
What myths about love 'erase' knowledge of psychology
Is love at first sight real?
Love at second, third... sight can be bright, rich, inspired and unique. Psychologists often consider situations when a person believes that this is his real soul mate, and then meets another, and the world turns upside down again.
The object of love is one for all years and all centuries!
The first love seems to be the only one, but then the second comes, and feelings are ignited again... In the world, 25% of suicides occur due to the fact that many rivals compete for the favor of “one love.” So for whom is she really the only one?
In a truly loving heart, either jealousy kills love, or love kills jealousy. Fedor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky
Every person has a soulmate, the main thing is to spot her in the crowd of numerous passers-by and not miss her, so as not to break the agreement of eternal and happy love.
You cannot live in a world where there is no love, when the other half is completely indifferent to you, because the time will come when true love will appear, and one of the partners will remain “overboard”, in a sea of tears and sad illusions.
There are at least a million options for meeting your soulmate; perhaps this requires changing your place of residence, social circle, work, study, but the choice will be made, and the probability of a successful one is quite high.
Does eternal love exist?
Psychologists do not make loud statements on this matter, and the thought of a lover can live for a long period, but the foundations of family life can change these ideas.
The higher the need for love, the more acute this problem is. Most often, love is interpreted as respect, trust, understanding of each other; often a person falls in love several times, because he was not lucky enough to find his ideal. In fact, not everything is so simple, you need to move forward, not dwell on imaginary fantasies and erroneous ideals.
It is difficult to reason sensibly under the influence of the love hormone, but you simply must draw a conclusion and move on with your life!
Is it possible to get married without love?
Is there always love when creating a marriage, but it is worth noting that the intensity of passions also cannot guarantee a strong relationship and a successful union.
So where to look for the golden half? How to become happy without love? Yes, marriage without feelings is sad
, but on the other hand, as the French novelist Beigbeder noted, love lasts for three years, and after that a trusting contact is established, a relationship that will keep the couple together or lead to separation.
Problems in the field of love can arise due to the fact that everyone interprets this feeling in their own way. In psychology, there is no one correct solution to how to define love; there are many varieties of it.
Perhaps today you will love your other half as a brother/sister, friend, and tomorrow that flaming feeling will come that will allow you to create a strong and happy family for many years. Love will be glorified as a divine feeling, a bright transformation of life, driving you crazy.
Love is joy, understanding each other without words, mutual satisfaction
, in this case we can talk about strong further family ties, and the birth of children will become a magical unity of this marriage.
'Imaginary' love
If relationships between people arise against the background of internal emptiness, or the replacement of one partner by another, then they can be called dependent, and most often doomed to a sad existence.
This is a serious psychological problem, not everyone can bear such responsibility, in such relationships there is no free choice, most often such individuals remain lonely and unhappy for the rest of their lives.
Don't be afraid of the smart ones. When love comes, the brain turns off. Elena Zhidkova
“Feelings are the element of actions that are not subject to anyone!” In such a field, betrayal, mistrust, suffering, meanness and the destruction of such a wonderful feeling as love can arise.
You need to learn to love and be happy without any conditions, just as a mother loves a child; she plunges headlong into this state and does not set any selection criteria for herself.
If there is emptiness in your soul, then you first need to understand yourself why this happened, and not fill it with someone based on rash actions. Until a person loves himself and accepts himself with all his shortcomings and contradictions, it is unlikely that anyone will do this for him.
How to figure out whether you love or not
It is difficult for an emotional and responsive person to separate sympathy from the desire not to offend, compassion from pity, and fleeting infatuation from the mood for long-term communication. Most psychologists advise turning on your imagination and imagining any unfavorable situation, from illness to fire. If the willingness to be there, help and support remains, then no other comments are required. Only those who do not give up in the face of difficulties, even imaginary ones, can say with confidence that they have found their soul mate in the universe.
Interesting Facts
Here are 5 interesting facts about love:
- Heartbreak is a feeling caused by a combination of different symptoms that a person typically experiences after stopping certain substances. An example is alcohol. If you use it regularly, during breaks, as a stable habit develops, a person will feel uncomfortable. It’s the same with love: when the habit of being close to a person as a desire cannot be realized, a feeling of a broken heart arises.
- The same hormone is responsible for love and trust – oxytocin.
- Butterflies in the stomach are the result of adrenaline. As a feeling, it is mistakenly attributed and tied to the state of falling in love, but this is not entirely fair.
- When members of a couple experience various dangerous situations together, they quickly reach mutual respect.
- The embrace of lovers is an alternative to analgin. Try, when something hurts, ask your significant other for a hug. You will understand everything yourself.
Is it possible to learn to love
Unfortunately, there are a sufficient number of people who do not know how or are not capable of love. The reasons for this can be different: a lack of love and care in childhood, which is why a person has not learned to show the same feelings in adulthood.
Sometimes, on the contrary, a child grows up spoiled, believing that the whole world revolves around him. Having become independent, he is not able to take care of others.
Often the reason for the lack of external manifestations of deep feelings is the fear of being deceived and abandoned. This is often facilitated by unsuccessful previous relationships.
Thus, it seems to a person with high self-esteem that there are no worthy people nearby, and for someone with low self-esteem it is easy to become dependent on a tyrant.
Dr. Gary Chapman
Dr. Gary Chapman, a famous American family and marriage consultant, based on his professional experience, published a book called “The 5 Love Languages.”
This work became a discovery in the field of family psychology and has provided invaluable assistance to many couples who are in crisis but want to maintain their relationship.
According to the doctor, there are only 5 ways to express your tender feelings, the so-called “love languages”. If a couple “speaks” different languages, then they are doomed to misunderstanding and resentment.
