In the topic “The candy-bouquet period and 6 more stages of relationship development,” we talked about the fact that initially the couple is under the influence of their own hormones, and therefore cannot adequately perceive reality. This period is like a legal drug: we notice only the strengths of our partner, and turn disadvantages into advantages. Therefore, we may not see, for example, what kind of man is next to us, how he treats women, whether he respects them or not. Meanwhile, a man’s respect for a woman is the foundation of a relationship. If a man does not respect a woman, there can be no talk of any development of the relationship. Therefore, it is very important to scan the attitude of your chosen one towards the female sex in general and towards you in particular at the dawn of your passion. In order to “go off into the sunset” in time, if anything happens.
Let me make a reservation right away: I do not blame men, because disrespect is based on neuroticism. If a man does not respect a woman, it means that certain circumstances have happened to him that force him to act in a certain way. And this representative of the stronger sex is unable to do otherwise. Long-term therapy is needed here if a man wants a harmonious relationship. The main thing is not to get involved in this therapy yourself and not to engage in “rescue”, because a girl is a girl, and a therapist is a therapist.
Who are the “disrespectful”
Psychologist Anna Kiryanova cites an old fairy tale about the boy Hassan as an illustration of people who are unable to show respect.
“Once upon a time, a little boy Hassan, who lived in a small village, had a string holding up his pants untied and they fell down. His relatives and neighbors laughed until they cried and remembered this incident for a long time.
Years have passed. Hassan has grown up. He left the village and became a great commander. And one day, Caliph Hasan, a great commander, brave, famous and rich, decided to visit his native village, equipping a caravan with gifts for the trip.
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However, the residents, seeing him, began to laugh again, remembering “pantsless Hassan.” Then he turned his caravan around and left his village forever.”
Disdain, ridicule, arrogance, devaluation, jealousy, envy, fawning, sometimes open aggression or constant attempts to change the topic of conversation from something pleasant to you to any other, most often unpleasant for you, memories of your mistakes, defeats, mistakes, embarrassments and complete disregard for your success and achievements - such an attitude indicates a lack of any respect.
“Disrespectful” are those who constantly refer to the past in this way because they are stuck there forever and want to leave you there too. For the same reason, they do not value your time and do not fulfill their promises to you.
How to understand that a girl does not respect you, does not value you, does not value the relationship: 10 signs
In relationships, the main role is played by the respect of partners for each other. The fair sex expects all-consuming love from a man, while he only wants respect from the lady of his heart. Often young people do not understand this truth. A girl should realize that opinions, judgments and feelings are important to her partner.
Watch how the girl behaves
The following signs will help you understand that a girl doesn’t respect you, doesn’t value you, or doesn’t value your relationship:
- During a conversation, the lady of your heart does not listen to you. Every person has the right to express their opinion. But when talking to you, the interlocutor regularly interrupts and does not agree with what was said, which means there is no respect.
- Your lover speaks poorly of your family. Often a woman’s relationship with her suitor’s relatives does not go smoothly. When a woman respects a man, then no matter what, she will take his family into account. Negative reviews about the family indicate a disrespectful attitude towards the chosen one.
- constant dissatisfaction when trying to be with her.
- Rudeness from a loved one.
- There are no perfect people in the world. Everyone has negative aspects of their character. And, if a girl regularly points out the shortcomings of your nature, this indicates disrespect.
- The girl compares you to other guys.
- The chosen one is ashamed to appear in society with you.
- Making fun of a man in public. Not to be confused with teasing. A respectful woman will never make fun of a man in front of her friends.
- The guy does whatever she wants for the girl. But no matter how hard he tried, there was not a word of gratitude in response. She takes everything for granted.
- Threatening conversations are one of the signs of disrespect for a man. Therefore, if you hear threats and rude words, think about whether it is worth connecting your life with such a special one.
Why does disrespect appear?
The answer here is more than obvious: because at some stage you yourself allowed yourself to be treated this way. That is, they did not stop the manifestation of disrespect towards you, did not immediately end all relations with such a person. This is the main and main reason. But there are also a number of objective and subjective reasons for disrespect.
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We should not forget the immutable truth that like attracts like. Therefore, if you meet such a person, it is like your own reflection. Think about where, how and with whom you yourself may have been harsh, biased and disrespectful, and learn a lesson from this situation. Otherwise, it will repeat itself again and again in your life, each time acquiring sharper and more negative forms.
Well, as an option: you simply met a person who does not respect himself, and therefore is not able to show respect to others. How to gain the respect of such a person? No way. Waste of time.
Why don't girls appreciate, respect and value guys?
Marriage, civil or official, is a relationship between a man and a woman. A married couple shares responsibilities, raising children, earning money, enjoying companionship, satisfying carnal desires and supporting each other.
Nowadays, such a model of relationships between men and women is not always relevant. Most functions have become less important. Women have stopped appreciating, respecting, and valuing men. What got distorted and went wrong?
- Women have learned to earn at the same level as men . Previously, the stronger sex was the breadwinner in the family. This was one of the reasons why they did not get divorced. The woman believed that she could not support the household and the child on her salary. Now there is no urgent need for a man. Often, during a divorce, he pays alimony or the house is divided in half. This all smoothes out the absence of a breadwinner in a single-parent family.
Women have become more self-sufficient
- One parent can raise a child Children no longer strengthen a marriage. They are not a stumbling block to divorce. Father can be easily noticed by nannies, grandparents, and kindergartens.
- Status in society. A lonely girl no longer evokes pity from others. In the modern world, single young people are full-fledged participants in society.
- Search for a new partner . Now no one condemns the fact that the girl is already over 20, and she is still looking for her happiness. Perhaps she needs men to satisfy her carnal desires. Or a woman is looking for that one person with whom she can build a strong relationship. Thus, a single woman is no longer a reason for condemnation by society.
Now priorities in relation to the family have changed very much, which has affected the relationship between the male and female sexes. Representatives of the fairer sex have become stronger and freer , which negatively affects respect for men.
You won't be nice by force
If, through your own fault, you have lost the respect of those around you who are significant to you, having committed some kind of offense, first of all admit it, and do not justify yourself, trying to avoid responsibility. In the end, you are an ordinary person, not immune from mistakes, to whom nothing human is alien. Make every effort to correct the situation and earn the respect and affection of family, friends and colleagues. If done correctly, you will regain your good name.
If there was no respect for you initially, simply because you are blonde while driving, or the milk on your lips has not dried, or this attitude is due to other stereotypes, seriously think about whether it is worth spending your energy and time on winning the respect of such people and what - prove it to them?
Signs that a man treats women badly
He speaks poorly of other women
He condemns women in conversations or on social networks, not forgetting to mention that “you are not like that”: “All women are materialistic, they only have apartments, cars, they give birth to children and demand alimony,” “Women are brainless creatures, you’re the only one I have the best.” /smart”, “My ex was such a bastard.” He insults women he knows and doesn’t know in discussions (this can be seen in the comments): “It seems like a girl should know, but you’re apparently not very smart.”
If you notice something like this, the first thought that will probably pop into your head is, “Serves them right! It's your own fault!" It’s too early to rejoice: no one has canceled transference as a defensive reaction of the psyche. Over time, you will hear something similar addressed to you.
A man speaks badly about his mother and other relatives
He repeats: “Mom is lazy, stupid, doesn’t understand anything, she’s completely out of her mind,” and is rude to her and other relatives right in front of you. Also think about it: he will always project onto you the image of his mother or another close relative, which means that insults towards you are just a stone’s throw away.
To be or not to be…
It is very easy to respect those who treat you with respect. But what about others who are objectively not worthy of respect? Why do you need to respect people?
The choice here is actually small: either reciprocate, falling to the level of “disrespect,” or start with yourself, more precisely with the ability to respect yourself, which gives rise to the ability to behave with dignity in any situation and respect for others.
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How to start respecting yourself - advice from a psychologist
Respecting yourself means having self-esteem.
How to learn to respect and value yourself:
- Get to know yourself and accept yourself. You must study and accept all your external characteristics, advantages and disadvantages, strengths and weaknesses. It is also important to accept the past if it is because of it that you do not respect yourself.
- Love yourself. First, define the difference between selfishness and healthy self-love. With selfishness, a person wants others to obey him and live according to his desires and needs. With healthy love, a person respects the interests of others and does not infringe on them, but puts his own needs first and lives the way he wants to live.
- Develop yourself. Remember that there is no such thing as perfection, but that doesn't mean you can't strive for perfection. Do something every day that transforms you into the best version of yourself. Do not compare your and other people's achievements, analyze only your progress.
- Relax and pamper yourself. What gives you pleasure? Self-respect is taking care of yourself and periodically satisfying your whims. Don't you deserve to get a good night's sleep or spend half an hour taking a bath? When was the last time you actually did what you wanted instead of what someone else needed (usually)?
- Find your calling. The most powerful source of self-esteem is doing what you love. What do you consider valuable and meaningful? Can you do this? Only when you do things that bring you pleasure and satisfaction will you begin to respect yourself. Of course, for maximum effect it must resonate with society. Use the golden formula for choosing a profession: I can (abilities) + I want (interests) + I need (demand in society).
Note! Self-esteem gives a feeling of confidence and a sense of stability and security.
Misanthrope Character Traits
How to distinguish a person who does not like people from a simple person in the street who is suddenly in a bad mood caused by traffic jams or a quarrel with his beloved? Misanthropes have some traits that you should pay attention to when communicating:
- They do not accept social, behavioral or religious norms. They don’t like humanity as a whole and speak negatively about people.
- Often, in a defiant and provocative form, they contrast their own personality with society or all of humanity.
- They relate well to friends and close people, the number of which is calculated in a few units.
Misanthropes prefer communicating with old friends to making new acquaintances. Rejection of human weaknesses and shortcomings does not allow misanthropes to fully communicate and make a favorable impression on unfamiliar people.
How to fix it?
First of all, you need to get rid of unpleasant people whom you cannot stand. Reduce communication with them or openly show your hostility if there is no way to get rid of them.
If there are people around you who have suddenly stopped respecting you, but you want to maintain communication with them. Then talk to them face to face and try to find out why this happened. Remember that every person can demand respect. But in this case, treat other people with respect.
How to recognize verbal aggression
A person is not always rude openly. Often they try to cover up rudeness with care, sympathy, concern, or even disguise it as a compliment. Some people do this spontaneously. They do not deliberately try to offend their interlocutor, but simply say what comes to their mind. Lack of tact and poor empathy prevent them from adequately assessing the reaction to their words.
Here are some striking examples:
- This blouse suits you very well! My grandmother had the same one.
- Do you understand quantum physics? But you can’t tell by looking at it.
- For a girl, you're a pretty good driver.
Obviously, all of the above phrases will cause annoyance and irritation in the interlocutor. They are tactless and impolite, so they may well be considered verbal aggression.
Who are misanthropes
Misanthrope is a synonym for misanthrope in Greek, and comes from two words, respectively: “man” and “hatred.” Misanthropes do not show the usual interest in society, try to avoid the company of other people whenever possible, and can be aggressive in behavior.
If we consider misanthropy as a disease, then its definition will sound like rejection and a feeling of hatred towards all of humanity, moral principles, as well as the rules of behavior established in society. This term quite succinctly expresses the essence of the life position of a person who does not like people.
How to put a person in his place: useful recommendations
So, let's figure out how to properly respond to rudeness and disrespect.
Assess the situation
Before moving into open confrontation, make sure that you understand the other person correctly. It happens that a person utters a neutral phrase without any hint of aggression, but it works as a trigger and touches pain points. We begin to get irritated, feel hostility towards the interlocutor and want to upset him.
For example, a colleague asks a girl for her clothing size to sew a sports uniform for a corporate volleyball game. And the girl is very complex because of her imperfect parameters and perceives his question as a mockery. If she answers rudely, then she herself will find herself in the role of an aggressor.
Therefore, learn to distinguish real rudeness from your own projections. This will help you not only react adequately in any situation, but also improve your reflection. Another significant plus is that those around you will not be able to probe your weak points and use them against you.
Ignore the attacks
The easiest way to deal with rudeness is to ignore it. But for some reason few people use it. It seems to people that if they remain silent, they will remain insulted and humiliated, while the offender will celebrate victory.
In fact, any attack on you is a challenge. You have a choice - accept this challenge or ignore it. If you answer, you automatically become a participant in the conflict. And if not, then the person is left alone with his aggression and looks stupid.
Remember that the goal of any boor or troll is to throw you off balance and cause negative emotions. If you show complete indifference, then the aggressor fails. In the eyes of others, he becomes pitiful and unpleasant, but your image, on the contrary, gains strength.
You just need to be able to ignore it gracefully. Do not press your head into your shoulders in fear, looking down, but look forward proudly and confidently.
Laugh at the offender
Another effective way to disarm an offender is to laugh at him. After all, a person really looks funny trying to assert himself at someone else’s expense. Try next time to silently grin in response to rudeness and look at the person with surprise and curiosity - like at a strange animal. Again, your look should express absolute calm and confidence.
Most likely, the boor will feel uncomfortable and will try to quickly hush up the topic. Or, in a panic, he will begin to attack more roughly. Don’t give up - stick to your line. Sooner or later he will have to leave you behind.
Change the script
When a person deliberately provokes you into a conflict, he is trying to impose on you a ready-made scenario for the development of events. In acute situations, people react in approximately the same way: they are provoked, they begin to make excuses, then attack in response - and so on in a circle. By accepting the rules of the game, you find yourself in a deliberately disadvantageous position.
But you can break the pattern and rewrite the script imposed on you. To do this, you need to learn to act proactively. The next time you find yourself in a conflict situation, don't give in to your spontaneous reactions. Do something out of the ordinary.
I’ll give an example from Vladimir Levi’s book “The Art of Being Different.” When someone tries to offend you and bring you into conflict, look worriedly towards his ear and say: “Oh, what is that you have? What a horror! You should see a doctor!” By the time the person comes to his senses, you will already leave.
“Buy an elephant” method
If someone is too intrusively trying to offend you, respond to each of his phrases with remarks like: “Well, so?”, “And what next?”, “I see, so what?” Sooner or later he will get tired of groping in front of you and will leave you behind.
It is important to speak as indifferently and casually as possible, so that the person does not think that you really care about his explanations.
Verbal Aikido
This method is suitable for people with good self-control and loose tongue. But it's quite risky. By getting into a quarrel with the offender, you accept his rules of the game and get involved in the conflict. The outcome may be unpredictable.
If you are confident in your eloquence, then you can try to verbally “destroy” the offender. Follow a few simple rules.
- Keep your emotions in check. The one who first switches to emotional abuse will certainly suffer defeat.
- Speak calmly, do not raise your voice. Under no circumstances show your opponent that the situation is bothering you.
- Avoid cliched phrases. They sound fake and unoriginal. If you decide to quarrel with someone, then do it beautifully.
- As soon as your opponent begins to rudely insult you, stop the confrontation. He was unable to control his emotions, which means victory is on your side. This will be obvious to all witnesses to the conflict.
Why it can be difficult for us to fight back
Before moving on to practical recommendations, let's understand the origins of the problem. Protecting your reputation and defending your own interests is natural behavior for an adult. Why do some people, when faced with verbal aggression, become confused and unable to fight back? There are 7 main reasons.
- Low self-esteem and self-doubt. A person doubts his moral right to respond to rudeness. He is used to considering himself worse than other people and does not know how to defend his opinion.
- Slow reaction. The speed of the reaction is determined by the characteristics of the nervous system. People with an inert nervous system react to external stimuli with a delay. These are representatives of two types of temperament - melancholic and phlegmatic. Therefore, in verbal conflicts, they, as a rule, lose to choleric and sanguine people.
- Fear of facing aggression. Reactions to rudeness can be unpredictable. That's why many people shrug their heads in response to insults. They themselves will not beat their opponent, but they are not confident in his endurance.
- Fear of loneliness. Some people feel that if they respond sharply to an offender, they will be considered ill-mannered and uncultured. Few people want to communicate with such people. Therefore, the fear of being alone forces them to avoid conflict and communicate as if nothing had happened.
- Too strict moral standards. A person considers it unacceptable to raise his voice and utter swear words. Therefore, he finds himself unarmed in front of a less principled opponent.
