Pity: good or bad for relationships? How to feel sorry

Have you ever encountered a situation where you felt sorry for someone close to you? Perhaps you are reading this article right now because you feel sorry for your partner or spouse? And you don’t know what to do, break up or, having gathered all your strength, continue the relationship, because it’s a shame to leave?..

In my practice, I often encounter such requests when, out of a feeling of pity, the client cannot make a decision that has been asking for a long time, when it is impossible to say “no” to someone close, and he himself no longer has the strength to carry a “dead horse” on himself. In such real stories, pity poisons life and slows down very important processes in relationships.

Like any other feeling, pity has different shades and meanings. Why do we feel pity? What feelings can live under the mask of pity? How can pity help and harm the one who feels it? How is pity useful and harmful for those to whom it is directed?

Article navigation: “Pity: benefit or harm for relationships? How to feel sorry"

• What is pity?
• Pity for another. When is pity useful?
• What is the other side of pity?
• Pity is a surrogate for love
• Why is pity dangerous?
• How to feel sorry?

What is pity?

The very definition of “pity” contains words such as compassion, condolences, sympathy. Another interpretation of pity is sadness, sadness towards something/someone.

More closely, CO-suffering is joint suffering or “one illness for two,” a joint feeling.

That is, by showing pity, we seem to join the person for some time and “get sick” together with him, together we experience a difficult state for him. This allows us to diagnose the condition of our loved one, to vividly imagine what it’s like for him. And a person gets the feeling that he is not alone, and it becomes easier.

Finally

I'll say something seditious. You can get rid of depression FOREVER if:

• learn to ask questions to find out the true reason for today’s disgusting mood;
• learn to see the positive side in any phenomenon. Absolutely in any;
• take action IMMEDIATELY. A desire, an idea, an incentive to move appeared. - forward! Don't delay for a minute! You can pull yourself out of the swamp. Even if you have only one option left - to pull yourself by the hair.

Ekaterina Manukovskaya

Pity for another. When is pity useful?

We will not talk about the pity of a parent for a child, the pity of a person for a sick animal, and so on. There is a slightly different pity, more understandable, not so contradictory.

Pity is more ambiguous in relationships that still presuppose equal, partner positions. For example, in a couple, in friendships, in relationships between adults. Eric Berne described them as the position of an Adult in relation to an Adult.

Pity is useful in the case when therapeutic support is provided, when we are “sick” with someone, as if we are getting used to the situation of another, and thus the person is not alone in difficult times, it is easier for him to survive difficult times.

Also, out of pity, we can help a loved one financially, by providing some kind of service, or by giving valuable information. And this help will really benefit him.

By being compassionate and helping a loved one, we look more generous in our own eyes. As a result, self-esteem increases. Sometimes it seems to us that we are more attractive to others at such moments.

The miraculous property of pity for the one who experiences it is a kind of therapy (healing) of oneself. By feeling pity and acting for the benefit of others, we become better and more holistic. But this happens if you regret it correctly. More on this at the end of the article.

Advice from psychologists

Psychologists insist that you should not feel sorry for people and yourself excessively, as this can lead to dire consequences. You should not abuse this feeling if it contributes to the weakening of the personality. In relationships with other people, priorities should always be set in your favor. There is no need to take on other people's problems or experience negative situations on an equal basis with the person to whom they are addressed. In this case, both parties will suffer: the one who is pitied will be disappointed in his hopes, and the one who does this will take on an unbearable burden of negative energy.

Everything should be in moderation, and pity must be present, since it is the main form of kindness.

What is the other side of pity?

The one who feels pity invariably receives hidden effects from it, sometimes even subtle benefits (or secondary benefits).

What else happens when we feel pity?

It is as if we artificially rise to a step above the person to whom this feeling is directed. This sometimes happens unconsciously. But we still feel it. In a more intensified form, this flows into pride and arrogance, which, of course, is felt by the other.

A striking example is when the pity of those giving to the “beggars” in the transition further enhances the contrast of their “high” position in comparison with his “low”, unfortunate one. “I would never have come to this!”

And it doesn’t matter that this “beggar” can thus “earn” more in a day than an ordinary office worker in a week.

Pity preserves relationships, although they are codependent.

Case study: a girl who has already lost her boyfriend's love interest cannot leave him, and at the same time, cannot build a healthy union with him. She believes that he loves her very much, and her pity for him does not allow her to end the sluggish relationship. He often bends under it, neglects himself, his interests, and behaves sacrificially. And if a victim appears in a relationship, a kind of “whipping boy,” then an aggressor invariably appears, usually in the form of a partner.

Even though at first we may feel pity for a person and continue a relationship with him, sooner or later pity is replaced by aggression. The nature of this aggression is as follows: in fact, we are angry with ourselves because we cannot afford to break off a relationship, for example, because we believe that we will hurt the person. In our understanding, he will not endure this pain, and from childhood we were taught that hurting others is bad, because after that, what kind of noble person are you?

And then we pour out this anger in the form of nagging, irritation and other things onto a safe “receiver”, a weaker partner who will swallow it. In addition, this is “he is the reason for remorse” and the fact that “I am wasting my life on him.” After this, we may feel even worse from a new wave of guilt that he is so good, and I torture him and “everything is always wrong with me.” And hello, Karpman's triangle of codependent relationships! The unhealthy relationship continues...

Pity is a surrogate for love

I don’t want to say at all that feeling pity for a loved one is bad. In the Orthodox religion, pity and compassion are given a very important place. In our Russian culture, there has historically been an understanding that feeling sorry for a person is the same as loving him. Many people “identify” love this way: I regret, that means I love, and vice versa, I love, that means I regret.

But, in fact, where there is pity, there is no place for love, which is characteristic of romantic, equal, adult relationships.

We all regret in very different ways. Based on my observations, I can distinguish three different positions of pity:

• Pity is superiority. When we rise above a person, we do something for him from a position on top, “from the master’s shoulder,” or with the thought, “he’s poor, he’s humiliated like that.” We look like a strict Parent at a helpless Child.

• Pity-anxiety. When we see a person in distress, we become worried about ourselves. “What would happen to me if I were so unlucky?”, “I could have been in his place...”. The thought “you can’t renounce anything” looms in your head; it seems to us that we are close to such a situation. And we want to feel sorry and help not this particular person, but rather ourselves, when we imagine ourselves in his place. Thus, we provide ourselves with hope that in the same situation, they will take pity on us and save us. Or, “if I didn’t regret it, didn’t help, I’m bad, people will think badly of me.”

• Pity-sympathy. When we are on an equal footing with the one we feel sorry for (true sympathy). In such moments, we feel what the other is feeling. And we feel sorry for the other person, and not for the imaginary self.

The first two options are compensatory, not allowing free choice in relation to oneself and another person. The third type of pity is productive; it involves a free choice of how to treat a person, how to help him and whether to help him at all. And thus, we bring great benefit to both ourselves and others.

Psychology of emotions

At the heart of any emotion is a need. Man, unlike animals, is endowed, in addition to the biological needs for food, warmth and movement, with social needs. In the course of development, emotions are differentiated and form diverse types of higher emotional processes: intellectual, aesthetic, socio-biological, which constitute a mixed emotional state and mental content of human life. Higher needs are autonomous; they are determined not by instincts, but by social demands.

According to A. Maslow's theory, human needs and wants have their own strict hierarchy. Originally in we are in

we need to satisfy physiological needs, further on the list: safety needs; in belonging and love; in recognition; in self-actualization; in knowledge and understanding, and, finally, in satisfying aesthetic needs. Failure to satisfy any of these needs causes different emotions, one of which is self-pity.

Turning directly to human experience, we can distinguish two forms of feelings: pleasure or displeasure. In other words, excitement and calm, tension and resolution, joy and grief. The highest degree of calm is depression. To protect a person from unnecessary shocks and depression, consciousness comes up with various mechanisms to protect the body.

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Mechanisms for protecting consciousness from depression and shock

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Why is pity dangerous?

• The risk of ruining your relationship with your partner irrevocably. By feeling sorry from the position of an edifying Parent, you can increase the distance and provoke retaliatory aggression. Because when we feel sorry, on a subconscious level we perceive a person as “pathetic,” weak, and inferior. A person feels this subconsciously and can react with aggression or distance.

• The partner you feel sorry for may, at a certain moment, feel that an unbearable burden of moral duty to you hangs on him. And the more you give him, help him, feel sorry for him, the more unbearable this “debt” becomes. Sometimes, so much so that a person will prefer to simply run away from you, since he is unable to restore the balance in this relationship.

• The illusion of one’s own success and superiority in contrast. The consciousness that everything is fine with you, and you don’t need to do anything beyond what you have. It is fraught with stagnation.

• Denial of the natural course of things: the mistakes of others, the need to bear responsibility for the current situation yourself. Sometimes we think he was just unlucky. But there is a phrase: “Bad luck is a series of wrong choices.”

• The opportunity to deprive a person of his sad but necessary experience, the trials he needs in life in order to cope with more complex tasks.

• The risk of being hooked by manipulation. As soon as you notice that you are feeling sorry, be on guard. This may be your weak point, a sore point that - consciously or not - can be exploited by your loved ones. If you don't manage your pity, someone else will. (

How to feel sorry?

• To co-feel, to co-experience, to be on an equal basis with a person for a certain period of time. Try to feel his state, to understand what is happening. But come back in time, because when you share an illness, someone must be “healthier” so that both are not “sucked into the swamp.”
• Have pity, understand, but with your pity and help do not make a person “disabled”. Give a hungry person a fish or teach him how to catch one himself? The difference is obvious.
• To encourage, to believe that a person is not “pathetic”, but full-fledged, and his potential is much greater than we imagine now. And infect him with this faith.
• Be able to say both “yes” and “no” - like an Adult with his own choice and responsibility.
• Or just step aside. Because our “no” or refusal of pity in general can become a powerful delayed-action medicine for a loved one.

At the slightest hint of pity for your partner, I recommend the following:

• capture this moment inside yourself;
• Analyze what exactly made you feel sorry?
• What other feelings do you have about yourself and others in connection with this?
• What do you want to do about this?
• mentally remove pity from your arsenal of feelings. How would you feel towards this person if pity did not exist?

Perhaps, after you “pull aside” pity for another, at least for a while, like a dusty curtain, this feeling will be replaced by something real, the way you really want to treat the person. Maybe it will be anger. Maybe indifference. Maybe sincere sympathy. Or maybe love. And after that you will know more clearly what to do with it next.

But if you feel that pity is uncontrollable and it’s hard for you, or you understand that pity is not what you want to feel for your loved one, you can contact me for a consultation to learn how to manage this difficult feeling.

Is it over?

In principle, a ringing voice when talking to you is a good sign. This criterion was expressed by my friend, who periodically treats me quite harshly, but effectively: “And why the hell are you telling me all this?” When a deep melancholy comes over me, I call and in a soul-tearing voice (probably only my soul :))))), I begin to talk nonsense about two small children, pennies, circumstances. There are so many reasons for pity! And I get a sobering response: “Why do you think I should listen to you?” :)))

Another good criterion can be the flow of ideas and suggestions (necessarily constructive) that will pour out of you. So, you said goodbye to pity.