I'm no longer the same person I was on the first date. He intimidated me, made me weak. He won. I chose him and gave birth to children from him. It's my fault. My main concern is the safety of children. For 20 years, I forgot that there is another life. I stay.
The flooding continues. I'm going underwater again. In the midst of yet another scandal, I say I've had enough. I respond to his aggression. But even stumbling and drunk, he is stronger than me. I see it in his eyes when he steps on me. Nature itself gives him the ability to kill. His gaze scares me.
“Get out,” he grins. “But the children will stay with me.”
I have to turn off the water - if not for the sake of my life, then at least for the sake of what remains of common sense. Despite my best efforts, my secret breaks through. But despite my friends' advice, I just can't get up and leave. It is not so easy.
I have no money. He found my hiding place - money that I had been saving for almost a year. Most likely, my email was hacked. I should have guessed. He was always watching over me. I wonder what he did with my money? I definitely didn’t spend it on our children. Most likely, he drank or lost at cards to impress another woman.
I'm stuck. I stay.
Lord, don’t let me sink completely under water. My family can no longer be saved - but please save me and my children.
It is important to know
Abuse is emotional violence in a relationship (any kind, be it family, romantic, professional). The main features of abuse will be neglect of the victim’s personal boundaries and interests, constant violation of them under various pretexts, as well as bringing the victim into a state of dependence and helplessness.
It's important to know that we are all a little abusers. One way or another, when entering into a relationship with a person, we test his personal boundaries for strength, and he tests ours. The test can be anything, from persistently getting to know each other’s eating habits (“Oh, try coffee with plant milk. Well, try it, it’s healthy”) to very tough tests of stress resistance and telepathy (“Try to guess what disappointed me”). . The fact is that we love it when everything happens the way we want, and our partner’s behavior is no exception.
Of course, at the very beginning of a relationship (of any kind, again), we do not make Napoleonic plans about how the partner will completely depend on our mood, finances and goodwill. But at some point, everything starts to go as if not according to plan: it seems that a partner/friend/child simply cannot cope without a wise mentor and leader, he needs to be taught life (sometimes even with harsh methods, so as not to relax). And sometimes you can become an abuser with the best intentions, simply trying to make everyone happy - for example, making difficult decisions for a friend, child, partner and colleague: “I decided, you agree - from tomorrow we will not eat meat.”
But no one can tell you that you are an abuser except the person with whom you are in a relationship and your own reflection. This is due to the fact that “healthy relationships” is a rather flexible and extensible concept and there is no single definition or gold standard for such relationships. There are, of course, conditional rules about the absence of violence, manipulation, mutual respect for each other’s interests and habits. But in different groups, norms may develop in such a way that in the eyes of some people the situation will look like abuse, while for others it will be absolutely correct and rational.
For example, imagine a situation where one of the partners gives his entire salary to his spouse and, if he wants to buy something, asks permission. Out of context, it looks, to put it mildly, like a codependent relationship. But maybe the person who gives their partner their salary has a lower level of financial literacy or is prone to impulsive, expensive purchases, which interferes with the overall financial goal of going on vacation or buying a home.
So from the outside it is difficult to say who is the abuser and who is the victim.
Let's figure out the reasons why it's hard to break up
It is normal for a couple in love to go through a romantic high and a merging phase after dating. A person of a narcissistic personality type knows how to surround you with care and attention, and wrap you in love. The state of unconditional acceptance is relaxing. The lover wants this to continue forever, and after a while he begins to fall into addiction. A selfish partner senses your affection and changes tactics - becoming cold, inattentive, and critical.
In the hope of returning the same sensations, you become softer, more obedient, try to be good and earn praise. Because of this, self-esteem becomes unstable. You doubt yourself, and the narcissist partner begins to use this state to his advantage, and the first conflicts appear. Due to failed attempts to establish communication, a feeling of guilt is formed - another tool for manipulation. You move in a vicious circle and in a couple of months you won’t recognize yourself. Research shows that a person who has been a victim of an abuser for a long time becomes like a child - loses independence and becomes dependent.
After you leave
The narcissist suffers from his behavior pattern; all the relationships he builds are codependent. In case of separation, he will do anything to return everything to the way it was. He doesn't want to be abandoned because it will be a big blow to the ego and deprive him of his recharge. You need to be prepared for anything: the abuser will show care and affection, persuade and convince. If this does not work, he will begin to use aggression and violence - the loss is too great for his consciousness. When you leave, he will continue to try to demonstrate his power of influence. He can write messages and letters, send photos of them together and his favorite music. Expect a negative attack - an angry ex will begin to tell unpleasant things to mutual friends, threaten, be jealous, throw tantrums, call and “suddenly” appear near your house. He doesn't want to be forgotten or traded for someone else, even if he doesn't intend to continue dating.
Ignoring the pursuer only inflames his ardor. But if you succumb to manipulation, you will again find yourself in hell, shackled by inattention, nagging, and prohibitions. Stay on the defensive until the last minute and never agree to his terms. Stop the abuser.
Recognize the abuser in you
The first way to solve a problem is to admit it. To begin with, you can analyze your behavior and determine what forms of emotional (and other) violence you apply to your partner. It is important that this will be considered an abuse if your partner’s line of behavior is unpleasant, it frightens him, forces him to take a defensive position, and leads to conflicts.
Are you sure you need to control your partner?
What he is wearing, how much money he spends and on what, who he talks to, who he corresponds with, what time he is at home. If the partner does not answer at least one question from this section or does not answer quickly or honestly enough, a scandal, manipulation, and remembering of old sins occurs. The main goal is to make your partner feel guilty.
Your feelings are more important than your partner's feelings. Your partner should be punished for neglecting your emotions.
Instead of conducting a dialogue in which both sides calmly listen to each other, you push your position that it was your feelings that were hurt and traumatized. It turns out to be a rather aggressive position of the victim, in which the partner must somehow atone for the guilt. This is manipulation.
There are two opinions: yours and the wrong one
You do not accept or always deny your partner’s position, arguing that he is wrong due to the difference in age, gender, or your own superiority. Your partner’s incorrect position in your perception can be anything - from a view on the distribution of household responsibilities to plans for a career: “What kind of career growth do you want, you only need to focus on your family.”
What is abuse and how does it happen?
In a fairly short period of time, this concept has become very widespread. In general, abuse is violence. Moreover, the violence is not only physical and sexual, but also emotional. And it can manifest itself in various kinds of relationships.
Yana Slyusareva, practicing psychologist:
Manifestations of physical and sexual violence are, in principle, understandable. You can't hide it. Psychological abuse is much more difficult to recognize. Suppression, violence, criticism, mockery, torment, devaluation - it can take different, not always obvious forms. Therefore, it is more difficult for the victim to understand who he is dealing with.
Psychologist Yana Slyusareva
Archive of Yana Slyusareva
The problem is self-examination
Pay attention to the formulation of the heroine’s question: “What am I doing wrong?”
Conclusion
It simply does not occur to her that the described scenario is not normal; she looks for reasons in herself. Probably, this woman’s self-esteem is so destroyed that she does not expect a better attitude towards herself. Unfortunately, playing with an abuser according to his rules is so dangerous that in a matter of months it can destroy even a strong personality, convincing him of his own insignificance. Then the victim is happy for any bits of attention that the abuser gives, she is ready to sit for hours and wait to be taken for a walk, carry out her partner’s orders without discussion, look the way he sees fit... In general, he resembles an unloved dog, the owners take care of their beloved animals .
Don't rush into a new relationship
After ending your story with a toxic partner, take a break for at least a year, or even 2-3 years .
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Keep in mind: without painstaking inner work, psychological recovery and maturation are impossible, which means that the likelihood that a new relationship will be healthy is low. “Do a detailed debriefing: how did you attract the abuser, why did you endure humiliation and put up with devaluation, what attitudes you need to acquire and what behavioral skills to master in order not to be a tasty morsel for psychologically damaged men,” the
expert lists. You must also be sure that you can recognize aggressors and despots “from a distance” - before a serious relationship begins.
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At the same time, meeting representatives of the opposite sex, flirting, going on dates, and having sex is not forbidden. Just be careful: do not allow emotional merging
with a new friend.
If you, without really getting to know a man, begin to dream that he will ask you to marry, and fantasize about what your common children will look like, decisively return yourself from the land of dreams to the “here and now.” According to the psychologist, the best thing you can do for yourself during this period is to simply enjoy communication
and enjoy genuine interest and recognition of a real person.
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As you can see, you shouldn’t fall into despair when you realize that you live with a victim complex. This is not a sentence. “On the one hand, people change slowly, on the other, those who are full of ardent desire and determination to “rewrite” their picture of the world and reboot the system of life values will definitely achieve results - some earlier, some later,”
– Nadezhda Georgieva inspires. Moreover, in moments of crisis, people often feel an unprecedented surge of strength and courage, which leads to lightning-fast changes in their consciousness and life.
How to recognize abuse?
Some abusers are visible right away - already at the beginning of a relationship. As a rule, they hide behind masks of being kind, sensitive and loving.
Yana Slyusareva, practicing psychologist:
At first, the abuser will seem perfect. Give gifts, pay attention to every little detail, conquer. You need to remember: such people very often make loud declarations of love and quickly move on to talking about the future: meeting their parents, moving, marriage, children.
Teenager. Violence.
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The problems will start a little later. The abuser will be offended and reproach: you don’t love me, you don’t think about me, you don’t want to spend time with me. Most likely, he will stop supporting - on the contrary, he will begin to make fun of and humiliate. In this case, one way or another, you will remain to blame: failures in business, spoiled mood or life in general.
Yana Slyusareva, practicing psychologist:
Another indicator is the attitude towards others. If a person cruelly treats animals or children, throws mud at his past chosen ones, is envious and shifts his responsibility to third parties, but he himself is never to blame for anything, you can safely start sounding the alarm.
Another indicator is ubiquitous control. The abuser will try his best to monitor your behavior, your language, your finances, your time. Can impose his opinion on friends and family, try to protect, isolate from loved ones.
Jail.
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Perhaps he will try to “close” his victim at home: he will offer to leave work, he will be against hiking and walking even in the company of a long-familiar company. Abusers are jealous, even when there is no reason for it. They may spy on you under the guise of “honest and open relationships.” Reading your personal SMS, exchanging social network passwords - all with the words: “I love you. We have nothing to hide from each other.”
Yana Slyusareva, practicing psychologist:
Such people are changeable in their mood - it deteriorates very quickly, often out of nowhere. After communicating with such a person, you may feel discomfort and even anxiety. If you catch yourself doing this, try to figure out what exactly caused it, ask yourself: “What is happening to me now?”
Who can be an abuser?
The abuser has no gender: it can be either a man or a woman—your colleague, friend, spouse, or even relative. They are skilled manipulators, their goal is to squeeze out as much emotion as possible and to assert themselves at your expense.
Yana Slyusareva, practicing psychologist:
Abusers typically come from two personality types: psychopaths and narcissists. The former have no problems with themselves: they do not take responsibility for their actions, are not inclined to introspection - they do not look for problems in themselves. Therefore, it is very difficult for them to build relationships with others. In addition, psychopaths have a flat spectrum of feelings: they experience only negative emotions. No matter what you do, love will never come to a psychopath.
Narcissism in a person manifests itself in excessive self-love. Although in reality such people are very insecure inside and depend on other people’s opinions. In their life, the main goal is success, and often their victims are those who have achieved success in life, are bright and successful.
By the way, the cause of abusive behavior is not always childhood trauma or family script processes, as everyone is accustomed to believe. Scientists have not yet established the exact causes of such behavioral disturbances.
The problem is “your own fault”
The heroine’s partner is clearly punishing her by leaving her - they say, it’s your own fault, you brought me down, now sit alone! It seems that a man is simply “training” a woman and has already achieved considerable success if she is afraid to say the wrong word and looks for the problem exclusively in herself.
Usually the abuser has something that gives him confidence that the victim will not go anywhere. Most often this is financial dependence, a woman’s lack of her own home or the opportunity to go elsewhere, etc. The top theme that the aggressor quickly puts into the victim’s head is “Nobody needs you but me!” This statement creeps into consciousness so much that after a short time the thought begins to seem like its own. In the case of our heroine, this is the mood of “what would we do without him?” This woman will have to regain awareness of her “I”, separate from her partner, then create the value of her personality and only then work on the issues of relationships as they normally are.
Conclusion
There is only one way out - to run away from the abuser as quickly and far as possible. Even if you are dependent on your partner, even if you don’t have your own home, even if you have nothing to take with you. At the very least, we can take ourselves with us. If you continue in an unhealthy relationship, you risk being left without it.
Photo: Laura Makabresku
Become financially independent
Women who are financially dependent on the aggressor
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Some of them zealously justify themselves, others regret missed opportunities - both reactions indicate a desire to remain in the position of a “child”. Having escaped from one tyrant, such a woman will certainly meet another - and again find herself in a dependent relationship. “If you intend to say goodbye to abusers forever, you will have to grow up and take responsibility for your own life.
The ability to provide for yourself financially is one of the main conditions ,
the psychologist emphasizes.
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Even during a period of economic crisis, you can increase your income if you wish. At the same time, of course, it is important not to inflate the level of claims
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“It is better to rejoice at the opportunity to rent a tiny room with your own money and buy the simplest products than to be sad that after breaking up with a psychological rapist, expensive restaurants and vacations in the Maldives have become unavailable,”
says Nadezhda Georgieva.
The problem is the departure and return of the partner
The departure and return of the heroine’s partner is about responsibility and the manifestation of the adult part of our “I”. Who can go away, carried away by some task, and not think about warning others, not predict that they will be looking for him or worry about him? That's right - a child. Due to his age, he is simply not able to imagine the consequences of his actions, much less, he is not able to put himself in the shoes of other people and foresee their reaction. Becoming an adult, a person understands and accepts the responsibility that life in society imposes: if you do not live alone, warn others that you are leaving and let them know when you will return; started a relationship - agree with your partner what and when you do; if some kind of agreement fails, warn in advance, and so on.
Conclusion
We learn the above rules of living together gradually, starting with our parents’ family and ending with relationships in business. But not all people are able to follow them. For example, if in a boy’s family it was customary not to be interested in where and when family members go, it is logical that in adulthood he will perceive the care that is normal for a woman as “reporting.”
