Love relationships should be built on respect, understanding, trust, but this is not about abusive relationships. The concept of “abuse” appeared not so long ago, and it means poor treatment. In such relationships, one person is the abuser, and the other is the victim. At the same time, the abuser may not use physical violence, which makes it difficult for the victim to understand that there is violence in the relationship. In this article you will learn about abusive relationships - what it is, in simple words. And also about how to recognize an abuser and how to get away from him.
Relationship stages
Listening to stories of girls and women living for years with abusers and not leaving, many people wonder why they tolerate this. There is an explanation for this, and it is not a matter of weak character, as one might think. Abusers do not immediately show their true colors, they wait until their partner becomes attached, and then gradually reveal themselves. It is also difficult to identify the problem, because often abusers do not move on to physical violence, but limit themselves to psychological violence.
Important: Abusive relationships always develop in the same way, and there are several stages.
Idealization
From the first day they meet, they begin to shower you with compliments, immediately confess their feelings, and quickly begin and develop relationships. The abuser always says that this is the kind of girl he was looking for, that you are the best. He strives to move in together, get married, and have a child as soon as possible.
Start of tension
Gradually, the abuser begins to show his true colors. He may ignore you, not ask for your opinion, yell, or stop doing the things he used to do. Starts to criticize.
Act of violence
He openly begins to insult or disappears without explanation. He can show disrespect in any way, in some cases leading to physical violence. At the same time, he blames you for everything.
Reconciliation
Feeling that he may lose the victim, the abuser begins to apologize, make promises, and shower him with gifts.
Honeymoon
After reconciliation, for a certain period the abuser behaves in an exemplary manner. He again compliments, helps, makes concessions.
Then the scenario is repeated in a circle, but without idealization. And over time, the honeymoon cycles become shorter and the periods of violence become longer. The victim can endure such relationships all his life, because the abuser promises to fix everything in moments of reconciliation, and an ideal relationship during the “honeymoon” period gives false hope that everything can be fine.
“Why have friends when you have me?”
The abuser wants to gain total control over the life of his spouse. He should belong only to her. And then the man’s friends become her enemies. How can he waste time on fishing when there is so much left to do in the house? In general, it’s better to go to the movies together or go pick out a new dress.
Such ladies show distrust of their man. They unceremoniously invade his personal space: they check his phone, monitor social networks, read correspondence. Suspicion, reproaches and threats - this is the combat arsenal of a woman who wants to be the only one. Literally.
How to recognize an abuser
Many people wonder if an abuser can change in other ways . You need to know that such a person cannot change on his own. He behaves this way not because you deserve it, but because he is such a person, he has mental disorders. He does not have developed empathy, and he will behave the same with all partners. But changes are possible with consultation with a specialist and long-term therapy.
Therefore, it is recommended not to start a relationship with such a person. But many women cannot recognize an abuser right away, because at the beginning of their acquaintance he shows his best side and creates a real fairy tale. The girl gets the feeling that he is perfect, because he specifically says what the girl wants to hear. Therefore, you need to be able to recognize such people at the beginning of communication.
Initial signs:
- Rapid development of relations. From the very beginning of acquaintance, the abuser begins to confess his feelings and strive to start a relationship as soon as possible. As soon as the relationship begins, he starts talking about living together, marriage, children.
- Negative comments about exes . When talking about exes, the abuser always speaks badly of everyone. But at the same time, he convinces that you are not like that, you are the best. You need to understand that sooner or later, he will speak about you the same way as about his exes.
- Disrespect for women . He can be rude to his mother, he underestimates women in principle.
Abusers always put on a mask at the beginning of a relationship, so they never admit what they really think. Therefore, it is important to look not at how he behaves towards you, but at what he says about others and how he communicates with his mother.
“I can’t live without him...”
An abusive woman will always be able to present herself in the most attractive light. They say that she sacrificed everything for him, but of course, he is the best. But in practice everything is a little different. She is interested not so much in the person himself as in his finances. As soon as he loses a profitable position, love immediately ends.
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Signs of an abusive relationship
Abusers in 90% of cases are men, so you need to know who an abusive man is in a relationship with a woman , and there are several signs that will help you figure it out.
Depreciation
Such a man will never appreciate you and what you do. He believes that you earn pennies, your hobbies are nonsense, and in general you are incapable of anything.
Important: He also devalues your emotions, if you cry, then he says that you are crying because of nonsense, if you are offended, then you are making a mountain out of a molehill.
Selfishness
He never asks for your opinion, but only confronts you with a fact. He makes his own decisions, both small and vital. He is absolutely not interested in what you want, he only thinks about his own convenience.
Criticism
He criticizes your appearance, behavior, culinary abilities. At first he presents criticism in the form of jokes, but then they become more serious and rude.
Double standards
You are constantly faced with situations where he can, but you can’t. The abuser feels superior to you. Therefore, he calmly declares that he can go have fun, but you can’t, he can buy himself an expensive thing, but you can’t.
Control
He constantly wants to know where you are and with whom. You are required to always report your location and be available at all times. He also begins to limit your social circle, telling you who you can communicate with and who you can’t, and prohibiting you from leaving the house.
Imposing feelings of guilt
In any conflict situation, you are to blame. Even if he yelled at you, insulted you, then you are still to blame. Abusers also like to demand gratitude even for things that you did not ask to do. If he doesn't receive gratitude, he will talk about how ungrateful you are.
Also often, abusive men use economic violence, that is, they forbid a woman to work. They present this as caring for their beloved, but in reality they make the woman dependent.
Constant threats
Setting ultimatums is another trick of manipulators. This keeps the victim in constant tension. A man is afraid of offending his wife and being left alone.
But you need to understand that if a woman has already slammed the door once and then returned, then she is not really going to leave. This is just a scare tactic to instill guilt.
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Consequences
The constant change of rudeness and indifference with love and idyll undermines the psychological state and leads to emotional dependence. A woman becomes attached to her partner and believes that everything will work out and that she is to blame for his bad behavior.
As a result, due to criticism and devaluation, self-esteem decreases and interest in life disappears. The victim begins to believe that everything is her fault, that she is not capable of anything, and that no one needs her anymore. Even after a breakup, the victim needs specialist help and a lot of time to recover. Abusive relationships lead to a reluctance to have close relationships and a lack of interest in life and self-confidence. The victim begins to lose her own “I”, because in such a relationship she does not have the opportunity to think about her desires and goals, she is forced to adapt to her partner.
What signals should not be ignored
Humiliation and criticism
The aggressor will definitely try to undermine your self-esteem. And this is how he will do it.
"You are my little pig..."
At first, the abuser will not openly insult the victim, otherwise she will become indignant and get off the hook. Therefore, he will present insults as something natural or even funny. He will not miss an opportunity to call his partner stupid, a loser, or even worse. If the victim is indignant in response, she is told that “I’m the one who loves you” and “you don’t understand jokes at all.”
This also includes nicknames that seem cute at first glance, but are actually offensive, like “my donut”, “little pig”, “fool”. As a result, the victim gets used to such humiliating language addressed to him and begins to think that he is really stupid, fat and that nothing will work out for her.
"Forever you..."
Anything can happen next: you are late, you stumble, you make mistakes, you ruin everything. Such remarks are accompanied by tsking and rolling of the eyes, and after that the abuser will definitely say something like this: “It’s good that you have me. What would you do without me? Regularly hearing something like this, the victim sooner or later comes to the conclusion that he is really worthless and cannot cope without his “savior”.
“It’s okay, they’re our friends!”
The aggressor can easily subject the victim to public humiliation. For example, rudely make fun of her in the presence of friends or make fun of her awkwardness. To all complaints, he will say that there is nothing wrong with this and since everyone is funny, then she should be funny too.
“Are you going to the circus with this makeup? Come on, it’s just a joke!”
Harsh sarcasm, stupid jokes that are actually insults packaged in third-rate humor - abusers love to use all this to destabilize the victim and make him feel insignificant. If she starts to get indignant, she will definitely hear that she misunderstood everything and, in general, you shouldn’t be so vulnerable.
“Others at your age are already earning millions”
No achievement will impress the abuser.
- Got a promotion at work? It’s a little late, of course, but that’s okay, for you this is commendable.
- Got a prize at an important competition? Why are you happy? It’s not a victory.
- Did you manage to pay off your mortgage early? Yes, your parents probably helped you.
After such statements, a person, of course, is no longer happy and thinks that his achievements are really ridiculous and mean nothing.
"Don't waste your time on this crap!"
If the victim has a hobby, the abuser will not miss the opportunity to ridicule him in every possible way. Because his task is to deprive the victim of his own life and interests, so that she spends time and energy only on him.
Control
Abusers use any techniques to subjugate their partner, deprive him of his will and make him feel shame for any offense - real or imagined.
"Where are you? Why don’t you pick up the phone right away?”
A toxic partner seeks to monitor his victim's every move. He demands that she report on his affairs and movements, and annoys her with calls and messages. Can install location monitoring programs on your phone. Can follow the victim personally. In a word, he does everything to prevent the “toy” from running away and getting used to feeling like he’s on a short leash.
“Yes, I read the messages on your phone. And what’s wrong?”
Abusers, without a twinge of conscience, can conduct digital surveillance of their victims. Read messages on social networks and instant messengers, listen to your phone, check your browser history. In some cases, they even demand passwords and invade the victim's privacy quite openly.
“This is common money. Should I have asked?
Emotional abusers do not consider it necessary to take into account the opinion of their victim and make decisions unilaterally. They can carry out some operations with common money behind their partner’s back. They can cancel a doctor’s appointment for someone else, refuse an invitation to a holiday, or express dissatisfaction with the boss because the victim spends too much time at work. In a word, they behave as if half of them have no rights.
“No, I won’t give you money. You'll spend it on nonsense again."
Financial violence is one of the favorite levers of aggressors. If the victim does not have her own income (unemployed, housewife, mother on maternity leave), they begin to reproach her with money, deprive her of finances for “misdeeds,” or give her tiny amounts that are not really enough for anything.
But even if we are talking about a working and financially independent person, the abuser will still find a way to leave him without funds. Will put all the money into his own account or stop paying the joint mortgage. He will simply take away everything he has earned, declaring that the partner does not know how to handle money, and will force you to account for every ruble spent.
“Where is my dinner? Bring it now!”
At first, abusers often seem sweet and harmless, but at some point they can begin to communicate exclusively in a commanding tone. Do this, submit that, go and buy it immediately, don’t take these medications anymore. The victim is expected to obey unquestioningly, without being at all interested in her opinion and needs.
“Again you’re driving me crazy!”
Outbursts of anger - unpredictable and completely incommensurate with the actions that cause them - are a characteristic feature of the behavior of manipulators. A person who has been in contact with such a partner for a long time begins to be afraid and literally walks on a tightrope, so as not to provoke another explosion. Because screaming, assault or pogroms can start at any moment - it’s enough to return home later than usual or not wash the dishes.
“You won’t succeed, let me do it better”
Abusers behave as if the victim is not an adult, but a small child who can and should be told what to wear, where to go, who to be friends with, what to do. The opinion of the other party is not taken into account. Such dictatorship is often served with the sauce of care. The goal is to deprive a person of independence and make him believe that he himself is not capable of anything.
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Instilling feelings of guilt
Guilt is an excellent lever with which a person is very easy to manipulate. And abusers know this very well.
“I see you’re flirting!”
The victim of an abuser may turn out to be unfaithful at any moment, even if she herself does not know about it. Smiled at the waitress? He was probably trying to flirt. Did you go to a corporate party in a beautiful dress? Well, everything is clear, this is only for the men from the office to stare at.
The “cheater” may be under surveillance; he will be forced to make excuses for every glance, sigh or smile, for every minute of being late - as if he were really guilty of something. And this is not to mention the screams, scandals and ugly scenes, including public ones.
"Aren `t you ashamed?!"
If the victim's behavior does not meet the expectations of her partner, she will definitely be told how worthless she is and how she disappointed such a good person. This will be done, for example, with the help of lengthy lectures and reprimands.
“I do so much for you! And you…"
When the victim tries to argue, object or defend their point of view, manipulators often begin to put pressure on feelings of guilt. They make it clear that they are ready to do anything for the sake of the relationship, and the other half is just an ungrateful bastard who does not value anything. By the way, this technique is very popular not only with toxic partners, but also with parents: “We have invested so much in you! Why do you hate us so much?
"It is your fault!"
It doesn’t matter what exactly is going wrong in the abuser’s life—the boss yelled, the project fell through, the tire blew out, he needs to find someone to blame. And for this role they usually choose someone defenseless and dependent, someone who cannot give a proportionate answer or send them away.
Isolation and rejection
Abusers often try to quarrel their partner with friends and relatives and force them to leave work. In a word, make sure that the victim is left alone, without anyone’s support.
“These friends were given to you. Let's have a better time together"
It is not beneficial for the abuser for his “property” to have a rear in the form of loved ones. After all, they can notice his inappropriate behavior earlier than the victim, blinded by feelings, and persuade her to leave. Therefore, it is very important for an emotional abuser to stand between his other half and her social circle. He will turn her against friends, quarrel with relatives, and directly or indirectly interfere with communication. For example, he will convince the victim that her family does not love him and is unfairly offending him, or that her friends are actually jealous of her.
"I do not want to talk to you"
One type of emotional abuse is neglect. For any “offense” the victim is punished with coldness and detachment. They deliberately deprive her of tenderness or sex, they stop talking to her, they literally stop noticing her, as if she is an empty place. If people do not yet live together, the abuser may disappear from the radar and stop answering calls.
As a result, the victim experiences a very rich palette of negative feelings - from discomfort to complete despair - and after some time is ready to beg for forgiveness, just so as not to feel rejected. And the abuser generously forgives her, so that after some time he can again give her an emotional swing.
"You are crying? Well, okay"
You won’t get sincere warmth and support from an abuser. If a partner is upset and going through a difficult time, an emotional abuser can easily ignore it, pretend they didn't notice, or say they have no right to feel what they feel.
Depreciation
The abuser tries with all his might to make the victim feel insignificant and worthless.
“Just think! Is this really a problem?
The victim tells her partner about something important to her, shares her experiences, and he demonstrates with all his appearance that this is nonsense. This behavior is called devaluation. It can be very hurtful and undermine your sense of self-worth.
Devaluation can be expressed not only verbally. There are also gestures like rolling eyes, snorting and tsking.
“You take everything too personally”
Such phrases can be a sign of gaslighting - manipulation, with the help of which they try to convince the victim of his inadequacy. Make you believe that she is too vulnerable and impressionable, or even inventing something that is not there. Typical gaslighter phrases: “You’re exaggerating”, “You just imagined it!”, “Don’t be so nervous!”, “Why are you making things up?”
If you pin an abuser against the wall with irrefutable facts, he will still deny to the last moment that he insulted you, raised his hand, followed you, or hid money. Or he will fly into a rage and declare that it was the victim who brought him to sin, which means that he himself is to blame for everything. All this is needed to destabilize the partner and achieve his submission.
How to end a relationship
Many women wonder how to live with an abuser without harming themselves , but psychologists agree that it is necessary to leave. Relationships with an abuser cannot pass without consequences; constant criticism, devaluation, and imposition of feelings of guilt lead to problems with the psychological and emotional state.
The complexity of such relationships is that the abuser deliberately puts the woman in a dependent state so that she cannot leave. He forbids her to work, does not give her money, pushes her to have a child, and limits her communication with loved ones. As a result, the woman realizes that she is left alone, she has no job, no money, and she cannot leave.
But there are no hopeless situations, and the relationship is still worth ending. If you find yourself in an addictive state and have nowhere to go, then you should first prepare the ground. You can try to establish relationships with old friends and loved ones, explain the situation to them, and ask for help. Start looking for work, housing, borrow money. Seek help from a specialist, he will help you recover and understand yourself.
It is recommended to leave the abuser when he is not at home. Pack your things and leave silently. If you directly say about breaking up, then there are two options for the development of events. A man may start falling to his knees and promising that he will change. There is a risk here that you will not resist and forgive. If you are persistent, the abuser may turn to physical violence. The behavior of an abuser after a breakup can be unpredictable, so you should not tell him where you are moving.
Now you know what an abusive relationship is, and how to leave the abuser and break off the relationship . It is important to understand that trying to change such a person is pointless. He will always shift responsibility for his behavior onto you, and will not admit his problem. But recognizing the problem is the first step towards solving it.
Tears and ostentatious suffering
On the weekend evening, my husband got ready for football. And suddenly my wife suddenly developed a headache. So much so that tears welled up in my eyes.
The husband becomes uncomfortable: he cannot have a good time when his beloved is suffering so much... It doesn’t even occur to him that he is simply being manipulated. After all, this is exactly what capricious children do. They fall to the store floor in tears and don’t get up until someone buys them a toy.
Male abusers are common
In fairness, it is important to note that quite often there are men with the same type of character and interaction mechanisms. With them, abusive relationships are formed in a similar way, in which one of the partners, in this case the male abuser, has absolute power, and the other has absolute responsibility.
In sexual life in the male-abuser configuration, the woman’s desire disappears and she begins to feel unwanted, blaming herself for this.
How to resist. Victim's Phrasebook
In a situation of abuse, it is difficult to accept the fact that something is wrong. There is common sense and logic in the abuser’s actions and words. Everything seems to be correct and fair, but after communication, each time you feel more and more devastation and anxiety. You are afraid of saying or doing something wrong. Gradually, the abuser drives his victim into a state of isolation. Dissatisfaction with communication with friends or colleagues, pathological jealousy. The victim simply has no one to consult with, even if she feels pathological.
How does the abandoned person feel?
Abusers are those who have had traumatic experiences in the past. The violent behavior that such a person demonstrates is an attempt to avoid the feelings of helplessness and humiliation that were previously experienced. They usually treat themselves poorly. The aggressor unconsciously tries to increase low self-esteem by humiliating his partner.
When breaking up, such people begin to experience discomfort because they do not have the opportunity to use the usual tool of self-affirmation. They are capable of resorting to any methods of influence, but are guided not by feelings, but by personal needs.
Abusers are unable to experience empathy - a feeling that helps to understand that the person nearby is experiencing emotional discomfort.
Such a person will never be able to understand the victim , sincerely apologize, or ever truly acknowledge his guilt.
Pronounced egoism forces aggressors to achieve what they want by any means, while neglecting the interests of others.
Such people are well aware that it is difficult to find another victim who will succumb to the “charm”, so getting their ex-partner back becomes the main task , towards the implementation of which all resources, energy and time are thrown.
How dangerous is abuse for the victim?
At the initial stage of an abusive relationship, the victim experiences discomfort. She feels that they are hurting her, unpleasantly. Gradually, the fear appears of upsetting the aggressor, causing inconvenience, disturbing him at the wrong time, or provoking anger, resentment, or anger on his part.
The victim begins to choose words, actions, and indulge the desires and interests of the abuser only in order to please and “not awaken the beast.” It’s scary to go into conflict, it’s scary to express your opinion because it will be called wrong, it’s scary and ashamed to talk about your interests.
Over time, such tension turns into depression and nervous breakdowns. Psychologists share stories of how abusers themselves bring their wives for consultation and ask them to cure the “hysterical woman.” But in the process of therapy the truth is revealed.
The World Health Organization also notes other severe consequences of abuse. These are headaches, back pain, problems with sleep and appetite, murder, abortion, suicide.
Is the abuser afraid of anything?
It’s strange to hear, but yes, he’s afraid. At a minimum, his antisocial behavior will become known to everyone. Very cruel people disguise themselves, pretend to be friendly, and are even capable of gallantry, but not for long. Until the next victim is captured.
Among the aggressors there are also those who believe that through manipulation they do good to the “loved” person, and through control they ensure safety. This is called differently - they are abusers and gaslighters.
Gaslighting is a type of psychological violence that allows a tyrant to make a person doubt his adequacy, the correctness of his perception of everything around him, and suffer. This happens through devaluation, accusation, intimidation.
Such tyrants are afraid of losing control over the victim; they do everything possible and impossible to prevent a particular person from getting out of their control. This is what gives them away. For example, you can recognize an abuser at an early stage by deliberately creating intrigue: “I have an important meeting at work today!” If a person is tense and tries to get details by all means, keep your ears open!
Happinnes exists
But not with an abuser. Unfortunately, in post-Soviet society, psychological problems are usually hushed up. They say they can be tolerated. But unresolved issues will gradually undermine not only psychological, but also physical health.
Psychologists advise understanding that love does not justify violence. It is impossible to rehabilitate a presumptuous abuser. Concessions will only make the situation worse. Therefore, if the other party is not ready for dialogue and work on oneself, it is worth thinking about whether it is necessary to continue such a relationship.
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Abuser's Phrasebook. Cipher phrases
After the abuser has gained your trust and become a significant character in your life, the fun begins. Criticism, humiliation, blaming the victim for any mistake under the guise of “only I will tell you the truth” - this is what feeds the abusive vampire. If in any of your conflicts (remember that periodic conflict is a normal part of any relationship) YOU are always to blame, then this is a reason to think.
and “aggressor” were not in my vocabulary
, and, to be honest, I laughed at those who use it.
What is incomprehensible here: violence - quarrels, emotional
conflicts and God forbid assault, everything is transparent and there is no need to use borrowed words. I guessed that this was a textbook abuser with narcissistic syndrome just a few months before the end. When I was no longer in the best emotional shape. I justified my tormentor qualitatively: this is both retribution for my sins, and “self-righteousness,” and the need to endure for the sake of love. Then psychosomatics turned on. Uncontrollable headaches, disturbed sleep, spoiled eating behavior and, as a result, excess weight. And then they asked me: who are you fighting with? You look like you lost a battle a long time ago. And I started to wake up..."
So, the popular scientific dictionary of abusers includes several thematic sections.
Depreciation
- I would like your problems.
- Is it difficult?
- It’s even worse for others, don’t whine.
All these phrases you have heard mean one thing: absolutely no one cares about your feelings.
Pressure due to age
- Not grown up yet!
- What are you like in kindergarten?
- Others at your age are already...
A classic case of a toxic abusive parent-child relationship.
Guilt
One of the main trump cards of an abuser.
- I gave you my best years.
- My heart hurts because of you.
- Shame on you.
- A good partner would help.
We remember that anything that can cause emotional guilt is suitable for manipulation.
Gaslighting
No, you are not crazy, you are being manipulated.
- You forgot, I said this many times.
- You're confusing everything, let me tell you how to do it.
- You're acting strange and bothering me.
Gaslighting is scary. A partner who is systematically accused of psychological failure is capable of truly going into a state of mental disorder.
Criticism
Do you have that close friend (often a man or girlfriend) who always tells you the truth and is very proud of it (in front of you)? Be careful, this may not be a friend at all.
- No offense, but...
- Objectively, you will not cope with your experience.
- You are always offended for no reason.
- You don't know how to accept criticism.
Run.
Intimidation
- You don't hear when I'm not yelling.
- You'll be on the panel!
- I'm still stronger.
- You don't deserve any of this.
- It's almost 30, the clock is ticking.
Intimidation helps maintain control and paint a picture of a hopeless future for the victim.
Passive aggression and projections
- You've lost so much weight, aren't you sick?
- I could understand it myself.
- Do you understand whose fault it was that this happened?
- No, it doesn’t matter, everything is fine, it’s just...
- You did it despite your education.
With the help of passive aggression, the abuser suppresses any manifestation of your anger with simple words.
In addition to classic phrases, an abuser can be recognized by a complete lack of empathy. Where there should be mutual support, you feel anxious. Control is presented under the guise of care. For example, calls every hour, tracking messages and locations. And when there is a real problem, instead of support, you get something classic, like “I told you so” or “nothing surprising.”
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Arsenal of manipulation tools
Despite complete dedication, the man begins to face reproaches and demands from his beloved. And the arsenal of psychological tools of influence on the part of women is replenished:
- Aggression (scandals, demands).
- Criticism (reproaches, humiliation of a partner, devaluation, accusations).
- Pressure on pity (hysteria, tears, insults, threats to leave, the role of insulted innocence).
The alternation of instruments of influence is spontaneous. But the man has the first illusion: “I can predict and prevent the woman’s next negative reaction.” Despite all the man’s attempts, it is impossible to grasp the relationship and sequence of his beloved’s psychological maneuvers.
The logic of her manipulative actions is simple - to apply what will have the greatest impact at the moment, will work most effectively in the current situation.
An abusive woman, using the “poke method,” deliberately finds sensitive topics for her partner, focusing her attention and efforts only on vulnerable moments, daily undermining his self-esteem, causing him to feel his own “badness” and inadequacy. Next to such a woman, the partner begins to feel like a helpless child, a bad parent, a victim, anything but a self-sufficient strong man.
In short, the goal of an abusive woman is absolute power over her partner through playing on feelings of fear and guilt with the help of aggression, criticism and pressure on pity.
Control over a strong personality is impossible. Therefore, the abuser again and again delivers crushing emotional blows that weaken the man.
What to do if the abuser is you
If you recognize your behavior based on the above signs, then half the job is already done. After all, abusers most often do not consider themselves as such, shifting all responsibility to their partner.
Since it is quite difficult to see the whole picture of what is happening during moments of “exacerbation” of the situation, it is highly recommended to consult a psychologist. It’s better to go to someone who works with trauma and violence. Together with a specialist, it will be much easier to find the necessary triggers, track down the strategies used, work through negative experiences of the past, learn to cope with stress and develop alternative ways of communicating with loved ones.
Therefore, when the question arises about how to stop being an abuser, you should think about getting help from a qualified specialist. In more developed countries, where there is a clearly defined law on domestic violence, abusers are sent to mandatory therapy. But even there, the motivation of the person himself is important.
Why does a woman become an abuser in a relationship?
People are not born abusers - this can be said about both women and men. They become like this in their families, and sometimes such a value system is passed down as an heirloom. The role of a man in a woman’s life is determined from childhood, because there the girl’s mother instills attitudes towards men.
Abuse is always a lack of respect for the individual and personal boundaries. Most often, in a family, a woman had a negative attitude towards a man, to put it mildly.
A girl growing up without a father can become a potential abuser. Women who raise their daughters without male support often transmit their dissatisfaction with men to their children. As a result, the girl transfers her mother’s hatred onto her man.
A girl whose mother was the head of the family. Women who take on the role of head of the family and thwart any attempts by men to take over, turn their daughters into abusers. When a man in a family is purely “for show,” and a woman humiliates and insults him in every possible way, then the children absorb everything like sponges. The girl simply does not see any other behavior towards men, and will do the same in her relationships.
Why do people cheat? So far no one can answer this question unambiguously. It all comes down to the differences between women and men. In order for our readers to better understand themselves and their partner, we have collected the most common reasons for cheating, which were noted by women and men. Psychology of betrayal - we recommend reading
A self-sufficient and self-confident man will not even enter into such a relationship, because the growing control will scare him away.
Psychological reasons for abuse
An aggressor can shock and fear one or more people. And one gets the feeling that this is some kind of Highlander who survives, no matter what, who is unusual for human feelings. But this is not entirely correct. He is a sensitive person... was... until he was humiliated or left in a state of helplessness as a child.
Why they become abusers, psychological reasons:
- Raised by the same parents. If a child had at least one tyrant parent, this has a destructive effect on his personality and inner world. Such a child either breaks down and acquires a bunch of complexes, or becomes the same.
- Mental instability. When a person does not work on emotions and a bouquet of choleric temperament, hysterical accentuation of character, as well as psychotrauma (a little abstruseness in your article) is added, then mental instability manifests itself. Here the person is in a good mood - here he vomits and rushes, and you fall into his arms. And this happens more and more often.
- Low self-esteem. Not all people with low self-esteem become bullies. Often this is caused by additional psychological trauma or hatred of a particular person who caused pain. In order not to slide into aggressors, read how to get rid of complexes and become confident.
- The desire for power. Against the backdrop of emotional experiences, a person becomes callous and wants to take control of everyone so that no one else can harm him. Therefore, he strives to control especially his victim. Since it is with her that he feels “on horseback”.
- Dark triad. This is not a conspiracy or a gang, but the evil, bad qualities of a person. Unlike positive qualities, these only bring harm. The triad includes: Machiavellianism (manipulation, lack of morality and exploitation of others), narcissism (narcissism, pride and lack of empathy) and psychopathy (ruthlessness, selfishness and antisocial behavior).
- Low responsibility. When things are bad for people, some “pull themselves together” and try to get out of this state, while others blame and make those around them extreme. So these others are more likely to develop violent behavior.
These are the main reasons why a person becomes an abuser. And I would feel sorry for such people, but no - a person must remain a person with at least 1% emotional intelligence. Psychological abusers do not always understand what they are doing - we can still work with these, if only they would like to. But when physical or sexual abuse occurs, it is beyond comprehension.
Causes of abusive behavior
The reasons for this behavior are most often justified by the pattern of behavior in the family
The domineering mother, who always “nagged” and humiliated her husband, instilled in her daughter the same type of distribution of roles between a man and a woman. A girl who has experienced violence from tyrant parents or in society, growing up, gets a chance to win back in a relationship and realize her need to humiliate. Sometimes, in certain circles, a man’s dependence on a woman is perceived positively or is the norm.
